I figure posting a thread here might help me feel better. I used to lurk SA all the time when WDs got tough. At the time, I was too overloaded to make a thread. Now, I think I'm able to do so.

My signature does not have the full medical history and I will update it later. I've been taking anti-depressants on and off since about July 2018. The gist is that I went cold turkey off of Lexapro 10mg back in mid-December of 2024 after having been on it since maybe June 2022. The reason I initially took it was to get out of a depression hole caused by a breakup, which I eventually got over. However, the instatement of the Lexapro caused me to have fever like symptoms such as a cold-swear forehead, fatigue, and an elevated temperature of 99. I "trusted the science" and the symptoms did eventually go away but I never felt truly "better." It was only until I started taking Vyvanse that I felt like I was able to start progressing in life. 

I never felt like the Lexapro did much for me other than making me emotionally numb. My psych and I would always discuss wanting to go off it but she kept me on to be "stable". Really, I think all I needed was the Vyvanse since the cause of my depression and negative mood was my ADHD and being unable to focus. Eventually, the Lexapro started to poop out around April 2024 where depression and burnout came back, but this could've been due to my job starting to really affect me. 

In late September 2024, my friend killed himself. Despite wanting to bawl out at his funeral, the tears would not come out. I hated this, I felt so inhuman. In October, my mother had back surgery and needed help. I was able to take FMLA to assist her, which was great because I was truly starting to burnout at my job, being unable to do basic things. After about 2 months into the leave, I was feeling better overall and decided to stop taking the Lexapro. Silly me did not consider tapering and thought I could just outlast the supposed month long withdrawal.

The next month was definitely a dark and depressing time. My mood was very erratic, having bouts of rage over silly things. I would get very depressed and have suicidal ideations, but to be fair, this was happening even on the Lexapro. I dreaded having to go back to work, but this was during the Christmas season so it would be slow enough to ease back in.

Returning from leave was hard. My job as I mentioned was already burning me out. We lost a few people and didn't replace them, so everyone took on more work. I felt like I was getting the brunt of the work since I seemed to be the most capable at the time. Eventually, I got ideations of just quitting outright. I felt like I was unable to perform, every work case was just glob of words that even Vyvanse couldn't help me process. It was around Jan 22, 2025 that I called out and sent an email to my psych telling her I stopped CT and was unable to function at work and just preferred to be numbed out by the Lexapro over what I was feeling. Writing that somehow made me snap out of feeling bad for a little bit and I discovered SA.com.

There, I learned all about withdrawal and how psychs gaslight patients into thinking its relapse. With my previous history, I got very angry realizing that I was most likely suffering withdrawal years back and not depression. I felt very validated when at times back in 2018, I would plead to my other that the pills are not doing anything. I did learn about reinstatement and tapering and how I was still in that 3 month window. But, my stubbornness made me decide to just keep going and tough it out. At this point, I think I regret that decision. 

I continued to struggle at work with the insane workload and the constant context switching. The brain fog was intense and some of the more complex process I had ease doing a few months ago were incredibly difficult. I did everything I thought I could do to make myself successful but eventually I just hated the job so much I decided to quit in at the end of May 2025. It makes me wonder if I really hated the work or if I was just unable to really process it. I can't deny that each time I would look at my work log, anxiety and stomach pits would take me over. It was really a terrible work environment too.

To make a long story short, I eventually got let go before I could quit. This allowed me to collect unemployment for 6 months. At the time, I was truly relieved and used the time to rest but I started to realize a lot of the same symptoms I thought were burnout related was withdrawal. I was still experiencing brain fog, depression, SI, anhedonia. The mood swings did taper away. I do feel like I've had windows and waves but there are times where I try to do things that are meaningful and feel nothing. 

I was hoping to have found a job by now but with this job market, it's been difficult. I was blessed to be able to move back in with family to save on money but my savings are really dwindling now. Since February, my mornings have been filled with huge anxiety to the point I think I'm experiencing akathesia (rolling back and forth on my bed, panting). I have insane regrets that I really wish I had just reinstated Lexapro at SOME dose just to stabilize. Would that have been enough to just keep me at bay? Would that have prevented thoughts of quitting and eventually taking action to quit? I know I hated that job but it provided me a good salary and a routine. 

I just really wanted to share my story that CT may not be the best thing to do and to really consider the risks for brain fog and other side effects. After 15 months, while I've progressed in some ways, I really shot myself in the short-term. Who knows if I'm only saying this because I haven't found another job yet. Would I regret the CT even then?

I’m in a real pickle with mirtazapine. Changes to medications have sensitized me incredibly, including a dose increase of mirtazapine that has left me very destabilized

It was already activating me at times at 15 mg after coming off Depakote after being stopped abruptly off of Ativan.

I’m not sure why I agreed to let someone increase my dose. I guess I was just desperate.

Since that increase December 1, I’ve been struggling but nothing like I’ve struggled in the last few weeks, especially the last week

I’m trying to hold 15 mg because of all the changes, but I also feel like mirtazapine is increasing my overall nervous system load and my symptoms are getting worse even though I am having moments of relief at times.

I used to need to pace when I was activated and now I feel like the activation is just going deeper into my nervous system and causing deep pounding and heat, dread, and terror.

My vestibular symptoms are on almost all the time when they used to just be intermittent. Disassociation is a huge symptom now and it didn’t used to be. The million dollar question is should I keep holding it 15 mg or try again to come off slowly?

Sometimes I have brief periods where I am a bit more invested in things around me and I can even experience some very faint sensations of being invested in things like music or humor, but these sensations always feel very artificial, flat, and out of character. So my "windows" are just me being slightly less apathetic to everything. Hopefully this is a sign of recovery but I admit it is very hard for me to feel hope. I think this is because hope is also an emotion and since I have no emotions I can't feel hope. DPDR and brain fog also fluctate but it's so subtle I have a hard time noticing it. My symptoms have left me unemployed and I am currently living with my parents just waiting for all this to end. If it'll ever end.

Here is my SA thread if you are interested https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/32263-greggerypeccary-effexor-to-zoloft-then-back-again/

I became destabilized around October 2025, and then made changes to my dosage that only made things worse. I've been holding at 1mg of lexapro for the last few months and feel stable. I recently made a very small cut. From 1mg to .95mg and am going to stay here for probably a couple of months. I doubt I'll go faster than 5% per month for this last 1mg taper.

It's hard to taper slowly when I just want out of a broken mental health system. I can't even be honest with my prescriber because she refuses to hear me that even small dose changes causes symptoms. So I sit through my useless telehealth appointments that last all of 10 minutes, lie about my dosage, and get billed $450. I deny any and all symptoms because that generates yet another suggestion at additional psych meds.

My daily functioning is normal. I exercise, work, and socialize. I can feel gratitude and happiness. My sleep could probably be better. I get a solid 7-8 hours. I tend to wake up at 3am, but then I am able to go back to sleep. I probably won't make another cut until these 3am wake ups go away. All in all, I'm doing well. I feel resilient and fragile at the same time. Resilient because I know I can handle the ups and downs of daily life. On the other hand, I know how quickly a big cut or a major health event can destabilize from past experience.

You can find my journey so far in my SA blog here; https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/32119-pokey449-doxepin-mirtazapine-nightmare/

First, congratulations and a huge thanks to everyone involved who built this new wonderful home in such a short time, amazing work, so well done!

I started a thread just to get things moving but it's hard for me to detail now since my brain fog refuses to translate my thoughts into words but most surly it will happen at some point.

In the meantime, I wish everyone easy moments and send lots of strength and positive vibes to those in need.

Thank you all

Here’s my story so far on sa: https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/6848-againstallodds-obsessive-thoughts-help/

Like many I have come over from SA.

So grateful to have found them a few months ago in the early stages of my taper and a huge thank you to everyone making this site possible to keep us all connected and supported.

I’m currently holding my Mirt taper at 1.2mg due to WD symptoms.

Here’s the link to my full story from SA

 https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/32985-emsy-mirtazapine-advice/

Emma

Now I am tapering the hellish Mirtazapine. I am on 0,32 mg. The hell continues, no window already 10 month of terror.

You can find my journey so far here my old blog at SA: https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/32828-dimitrova-depression-and-anhedonia-caused-by-long-term-use-of-paxil/

My name is Tom and I’m from the Netherlands. I have been tapering off antidepressants for quite some time and have experienced the typical windows and waves pattern during recovery. I'm down to 3,6mg escitalopram. 

From around May last year until December I was doing reasonably well without major waves. I still had some ups and downs, but overall things felt quite stable during that period.

Earlier this year I was ill for several weeks with persistent sinus infections that took a lot of energy. During that time I did not really experience withdrawal symptoms or waves yet. However, around the end of February a wave seemed to start.

This wave has now been going on for about five weeks. During this period I have also had some windows where I felt noticeably better for a while, which made me hope that the wave was ending. Unfortunately the symptoms then returned again.

Yesterday was a particularly heavy wave day with strong activation, poor sleep and difficult mornings. The mornings currently seem to be the hardest with symptoms like inner agitation, higher heart rate, cold feet and that typical “cortisol surge” feeling when waking up.

During the day the symptoms fluctuate. Sometimes things calm down a bit in the evening, but mornings can still be quite intense. I’ve experienced waves before and they eventually passed, but when you are in the middle of one it can still feel pretty overwhelming.

Because of the unexpected intensity and length of this wave, my confidence has taken quite a hit. The wave itself and the uncertainty about how long it will last have made it harder to keep trusting that things will stabilise again. 

I previously had a recovery thread on Surviving Antidepressants and found that community very helpful, so I thought I would introduce myself here as well.

I was wondering if others have experienced something similar, having a relatively long and heavy wave after a fairly stable period. I’m also wondering if this wave could have been triggered by the illness earlier this year, or if it could be my nervous system still catching up with the taper I did last year. Last taper was end of november and i didnt taper because i got ill. I could really use some reassurance.

Wishing everyone strength and healing in recovery!

My SA Thread;

You can find my journey so far here on my blog at sa

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/33017-mischade-mirtazapine-withdrawal-and-possible-permanent-damage/page/6/

MischaDE: This is my first post made on sa when I joined August of 2025. 

Hello everyone, my name is Michael, I am 32 from Germany, Munich.

In February I developed problems with my sleep and even had a panic attack. I used  to be a nightowl and I wanted to change my sleep schedule to sleep like a normal human during the night.

On the 27th of February I decided to go to a neurologist and expert on sleeping issues because I could not sleep the 3 nights before and I was expecting to get a sleeping pill or something of that sort. After I explained the whole situation to her she prescribed me Mirtazapine 15 mg (she assumed I was bipolar) which immediately I had very bad feelings towards as I did not want to touch antidepressants at all.

In my mind I knew I wasn't going to touch them but I went to the pharmacy and got them anyway just in case I could not sleep again. At home I thought to myself "What is the worst that could happen?" and took one pill, it knocked me out pretty fast. The sleep wasn't great and I felt very bad the next day as if I was cooking from the inside.

Lord knows why I decided to take any pills after that. In the first week I could still tolerate them but I noticed I became very sensitive to noise. I tried to quit them for one day 3 times in the timeframe that I took Mirtazapine because I felt so bad but I also could not sleep without them anymore so I reinstated, which I now realize was a bad mistake. The problem was that the sleep became gradually less and less, from sleeping like 10 hours I slept only 3 or even less which drove me crazy. Mirtazapine at some point gave me total insomnia due to the pain I was in and no doctors could help, they all sent me to psychiatry which did not take me in either and the doctor that prescribed me those pills did not take my concerns seriously and even upped my dose once to 30 mgs.

At that point I was suicidal and did not want to live anymore as my body was just falling apart and I could not even sleep, I thought it was over and something was wrong with me until the 15th of April where I finally quit Mirtazapine cold turkey and was prescribed Olanzapine and Lorazepam 5 mg by a different doctor for sleep and I finally started sleeping again. The issues that I developed on Mirt (insomnia, panic attacks, heart palpitations, pains along my veins, constipation, trouble eating, issues with my vision, erectile dysfunction, pressure feeling in my brain, severe breathing issues to the point that I felt like I could not get enough air even outside) got a bit better but still remain to this day. I became more rational and gained some hope that I could recover from this.

Right now I am only on 5 mg Olanzapine and 5 mg Melatonin and thankfully I don't struggle with my sleep at all anymore. The issues I have remain though and I personally believe Mirtazapine has done something to my bloodflow, as I have spotted spider veins down there and my scrotum hanging more loose (never mind everything feeling quite numb down there), making it painful to walk despite having almost totally numb testicles (for a while they just hurt badly and then became numb). In general my pain increases whenever I move a lot and it always feels like it's along the veins. No matter which doctor I go to they never find anything and tell me I'm a healthy individual.

I am coming here to hopefully get some advice that could be potentially helpful, because I am desperate and believe I have destroyed myself for life. I would also like to speak to some people who have been through similar torture as I have. Every single day I am so full of regret and think to myself "Why did I not listen to my instincts and not take it?" and I am extremely disappointed in myself. Of course this makes me very depressed and as of now the only way to deal with it is to hope it can get better in the future even if recovery is slow and distract myself so I can make it through the day.

Thank you for hearing me out and I am looking forward to speaking to you guys!

P.S.: I should also mention that the Doctor told me that Mirtazapine is not addictive and will only cause me to be really tired and hungry. She did warn me in the beginning to not stop but at that point I was still feeling ok and could have quit.  The more I took the drug, the worse it became. I highly doubt that the cold turkey attempts harmed me as much as just taking the drug. I had an adverse reaction to it from the beginning and the side effects never subsided. I feel like an absolute idiot that I kept taking it just because I was afraid of not sleeping.

All that to say, I cannot continue to taper super slowly for another year/2 years.  I am currently dropping .02 mg per day.   What are your thoughts on this?  I am really struggling. 

I started paxil 12 years ago due to an anxiety issue I got from changes in life. My doctor prescribed me paraxotine for the anxiety issue and I took it because I thought you can discontinued it as doctors prescribed. I did not know the harm it could eventually do, but I believe in the doctor guideline. I did two cold turkey based on Doctors guidance and he told me it was a relapse. December 2024, I looked for answers and I found survingantidepressant.org. I started to understand that I never had a relapse and my symptoms were due to withdrawal. From 20mg, I reinstated 5mg paraxotine, which it was advised to get some withdrawal symptoms off, and it worked but I continued holding without making any adjustments. I have had windows and waves. In July September and October, I did a 1.4% cut and I'm currently holding at 4.79mg paraxotine. It's being a year now and I'm holding my Tapering until I feel more normal. In October cut, old symptoms came back and I believe is because my body still dealing with last years cold turkey.

Summary of my journey.....

Month 1,2,3, half 4 - terrible journey

Month half 4, 5, 6, 7 - windows and wave feeling better

Month 8 - old symptoms came back

Month 9- amazing month with 30 plus consecutive days feeling amazing..

Month 10, half 11- Old symptoms continued

Month half 1, 12- symptoms slidly improving but very slow. Currently at month 12- last week, I started to feel better...

Thanks Luke for this new home...

You can see my journey so far here at SA: https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/31920-raymond-paxil-withdrawals-after-long-used/

I am going to continue my tapering journey here given that SA is closing. I was beginning to feel it was time for a change in the way of a support community over the past months. I am grateful this has come along.  :heart:

Thanks to Luke and Chippy for creating this lovely new space and support. 

I tried to copy and paste my signature from SA, however it didn't work. I would like to edit it anyway, so I will do that then post here. 

So far this forum is easier to navigate for me and less overwhelming. 

Wishing everyone a peaceful end of year and new year transition. Looking forward to sharing journey's and supporting others here. 

You can find my thread on SA here; https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/30063-freyja-my-sertraline-story/

Tracey

Im currently on my second lot of WD after stabilizing last September. Back in WD mid December 2025

Feeling completely hopeless. I was recovering from December to mid February when symptoms started to get worse. Feb 16-20 getting worse every day. Then that weekend, uncontrollable crying with a few waves in the evening. Following Monday was ok but these last few days have been Hell. Panic, fear, anxiety, crying spells, insomnia, cortisol rushes, adrenaline 24/7. Like early WD symptoms. Of course I can’t shake the thought of poop out… do I hold a bit longer to see if it gets worse? Thank you

My SA thread;

I’ve been a long time lurker of the Surviving Antidepressant forum, but found this site when SA went down. At this time, I’m really looking for hope and support so I decided it was time to open up about my journey.

My story starts when I was 4 years old when I started complaining to my parents of daily nausea. They carried me to many doctors over the years, but there was never any reason found. I was labeled as “anxious” and later given PPI’s for reflux. Over the years, the nausea progressed to the point I was bedridden and unable to live a normal life at age 23. Again, my parents took me to doctors but I was brushed off and told to get mental help. It was then a doctor prescribed 20mg of Prozac. After years of refusing to take them and so many doctors telling me there was nothing physically wrong with me, in December of 2018, I took the medication in hopes it truly was “all in my head.”

Immediately, I didn’t like the way the medication made me feel. My emotions were numbed, I struggled to cry, and I had dark thoughts, which I’d never had before. However, my nausea decreased ever so slightly so I thought the doctors were right, it was just anxiety. During my brief reprieve, (January 2019-November 2019) I managed to date and marry my now husband. Then, I started struggling with sexuality as the meds made me have little to no interest in intimacy. I hated that so I made an ignorant decision to stop cold turkey. After all, my doctor assured me I could get off whenever I wanted. I made it 6 weeks or so before symptoms forced me back on the meds. In summer of 2020, I requested a change at my doctor and he switched me to Celexa as he thought it might be a better fit for me. It both was and wasn’t.

A few months after starting 10mg of Celexa, my sickness came to a head and I was finally diagnosed with an anatomical disorder that required surgery in 2020. Somewhere during this time, I went up to 20mg and occasionally teetered between 10 and 20. My surgery was successful and my nausea mostly went away. I tried to get off Celexa and made it 2 or so months before severe symptoms made me start again. I figure that maybe I was just a person who needed meds the rest of my life and resumed them. I didn’t know that I was in withdrawal and my symptoms resolved within days.

Fast forward to 2025, I had my third child and was struggling to lose weight despite rigorous exercise and dieting and was having severe migraines daily. I was put on a Beta Blocker (Atenalol) for the migraines. A few days after starting that, I stopped being able to sleep well and the weight wouldn’t budge, but the headaches were better. I became convinced it was my antidepressant that made it impossible to lose weight and had increased my migraines to daily. In November of 2025, I committed myself to quitting for good. I wanted to feel again and be med free, so I stopped 10mg Cold Turkey. Yet another terrible decision due to ignorance and poor medical care. I also stopped my beta blocker as the insomnia was SEVERE. I thought better days were ahead soon.

The nightmare truly began then.

The acute period of the first few weeks was worse than I’d ever experienced before. I couldn’t sleep, I hated everything and everyone and I was in such chronically horrible mood, I scared myself. Looking back, I don’t know how I survived. But I did, and things lightened up for a bit. I still felt awful, but I could survive, take cake of myself and my family just fine. A few months later however, things really hit the fan so to speak. Months 5-7 were the worse months I’ve ever lived through. Name a symptom and I had it, but the worst by far were insomnia, SI and anhedonia. Life felt hopeless and it still does some days.

It’s been 10 months now and while I’m definitely having the windows and waves period of recovery, I feel like I’m never going to get better. The last week, I’ve been unable to sleep again after a period of a few weeks where sleep felt almost normal. In fact, I felt almost normal and thought I passed the point where it would get this bad again, but here I am. Insomnia, brain zaps, internal burning, anhedonia, TMJ and mood swings are the worst at the moment. I’m also incredibly sensitive to caffeine now. I miss soda and chocolate.

Is there hope? Did I completely screw up my life? Will I ever get better or am I stuck like this forever? My husband and kids are my reason for existence and I would have never gotten this far without them. I just want to know if I’m ever going to better for them, and for myself.

Any support, insight or encouragement is welcome. I want to heal.

Thank you for reading my story.

Hi friends. I’ve made the switch from SA

Just a quick summary:

Starting in October 2017 I had some difficulty sleeping because of a stressful few months at work. When I went to my Dr for annual physical I mentioned my sleep issue. Thats when it all started. He said take this 30mg diazepam at night and you’ll be good. At the time I didn’t know what it was and took it every night for a month. I no longer had stress at work and wanted to quit the diazepam so Dr said no problem just stop. I quit cold turkey and a week later was hit with suicidal depression, panic attacks, fear, extreme anxiety, insomnia and many more symptoms. I’ve never had any of that and it scared me so my Dr sent me to Psychiatrist. January 2018 I was put on 15mg mirtazapine, 100mg seroquel, 1mg lorazepam. I eventually weened off lorazepam in March 2018. My symptoms persisted over the years and in January 2019 Paxil 20mg was added with the 15mg mirtazapine and 100mg seroquel. In April 2021 Paxil was increased to 30mg along with 15mg mirtazapine and 100mg seroquel. In February 2024 Paxil increased to 40mg along with 15mg mirtazapine and 100mg seroquel. Fast forward to today July 2024 and I’m back in severe wd. I now realize they kept increasing my dose because it would poop out. 

After finding SA in July 2024 I began tapering paroxetine using brass monkey method. I shave and weigh pills. I went from 40mg to 16.5mg from July 2024 to July 2025. I ended up crashing hard August 20, 2025 with severe wd symptoms. I updosed to 18.5mg in September 2025 and have been holding since then.

Hi everyone,

I’ve been going through the most difficult period of my life over the past few months and wanted to share my full story. I’m hoping to hear from anyone who has experienced something similar and come out the other side.

Quick Timeline (for clarity)

• 10+ years: Stable on Zoloft + regular cannabis use

• July 2025: Rapid taper off Zoloft → anxiety, panic, burnout

• July–Aug 2025: Prescribed Xanax 0.5 mg daily (~1 month)

• Oct 2025: Rehab → diagnosed Bipolar 2 → started Lithium 150 mg, Gabapentin 600 mg, Seroquel 200 mg

• Dec 2025: Rapid Seroquel taper (200 → 25 mg over weeks)

• Jan 2026: Severe crash (akathisia, DPDR, insomnia, terror)

• Early 2026: Restarted Zoloft → still severely unstable

• Tried Zyprexa (1 dose) → extreme reaction

• Psych ward: Lamotrigine 100 mg + Gabapentin + Seroquel reinstated to 200 mg + Zoloft

• Given Geodon injection → extreme akathisia

• Post-discharge: Severe depression, DPDR, anxiety, SI

• Second rehab: Med simplification → now on Seroquel 75 mg, Zoloft 125 mg, clonazepam

Background

I was on Zoloft for over 10 years for anxiety and was relatively stable. I also smoked cannabis regularly since my late teens.

Before all of this, I was:

• High functioning

• In great physical shape

• Doing well financially

• In a 4-year relationship

I felt like a strong, capable version of myself.

Coming Off Zoloft (July 2025)

I decided to come off Zoloft and tapered relatively quickly.

Soon after:

• Anxiety increased significantly

• Panic attacks started

• I hit burnout

During this time, I was prescribed Xanax 0.5 mg daily for about a month. It helped short-term, but looking back, may have added another layer of instability when stopped.

Rehab & Medication Changes (October 2025)

I entered rehab and was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 (despite never having clear manic or hypomanic episodes).

I was started on:

• Lithium 150 mg

• Gabapentin 600 mg

• Seroquel 200 mg

I struggled badly with Seroquel—it made me feel flat, disconnected, and unlike myself.

Rapid Seroquel Taper (December 2025)

Because of how I felt, I tapered Seroquel quickly:

200 mg → 100 mg → 50 mg → 25 mg over a few weeks

January 2026 – Severe Crash

After this taper, I experienced a complete breakdown:

• Severe akathisia (inner restlessness / “electrical” feeling)

• Extreme anxiety and panic

• 2–3 hours sleep per night

• Intense DPDR (felt unreal / disconnected)

• Disorganized thinking

• Constant terror I was losing my mind

I told my family I didn’t want to live if this was permanent.

Further Medication Changes

Another psychiatrist:

• Took me off Lithium

• Told me to restart Zoloft

I worked up to 100 mg, but remained in a severe state:

• Deep depression

• Constant anxiety

• Suicidal thoughts

• Felt permanently damaged

I was then told to stop Seroquel and try Zyprexa.

I took one dose and had an extreme reaction—felt like I completely lost my mind.

I called the psychiatrist the next day in a suicidal state and was admitted to a psychiatric ward.

Psych Ward Experience

In the ward:

• Started on Lamotrigine 100 mg

• Kept on Gabapentin (600 mg)

• Reinstated Seroquel up to 200 mg

• Continued Zoloft

On my second night, I was given an injection of Geodon.

This triggered the worst akathisia I’ve ever experienced.

What followed:

• Severe suicidal depression

• Complete dissociation

• Extreme anxiety and terror

• Almost no sleep

• Total loss of connection to myself

ECT was suggested, which I refused.

After Discharge

For the next 3 weeks:

• Extremely disoriented and disorganized

• Severe depression

• Constant anxiety

• Ongoing suicidal thoughts

Second Rehab (Stabilization Attempt)

At a second rehab facility, the psychiatrist simplified everything:

• Tapered off Lamotrigine and Gabapentin (~5 weeks)

• Reduced Seroquel to 75 mg

• Introduced clonazepam (1 mg/day)

Where I Am Now

Current meds:

• Seroquel 75 mg

• Zoloft 125 mg

• Clonazepam 0.5 mg twice daily

Current symptoms:

• “Empty shell” depression

• Severe DPDR (feel unreal / disconnected)

• Constant anxiety

• Strange, unfamiliar thoughts

• Fear I’ve permanently damaged my brain

I feel like an alien in my own body.

I’ve gone from high-performing and driven → to barely functioning.

I’ve also lost my relationship and am currently staying with my mom.

What I’m Doing Now

• Going to the gym regularly

• Trying to maintain structure

• Started ketamine infusion therapy (2 sessions so far)

• Actively reducing obsessive researching (it made everything worse)

My Biggest Fear

That this has permanently changed me.

It feels like:

• My personality is gone

• My emotions are gone

• My sense of self is gone

My Questions

I would really appreciate hearing from anyone who has experienced something similar:

• Long-term SSRI use (10+ years)

• Cannabis use

• Short-term benzo use

• Rapid Seroquel taper

• Akathisia (especially from something like Geodon)

• Multiple medication changes in a short period

• Severe DPDR, depression, anxiety

Specifically:

• Did the “empty shell” feeling lift?

• Did your mind start to feel like your own again?

• How long did it take?

• What helped you stabilize?

• Any advice on very slow tapering once stable?

What I Think Happened (Open to Correction)

Looking back, it feels like my nervous system became overwhelmed from a combination of:

• Coming off long-term Zoloft too quickly

• Short-term Xanax use during withdrawal

• Introduction of multiple CNS-active medications

• Rapid Seroquel taper

• Repeated medication changes and reinstatements

• Severe akathisia (especially after Geodon injection)

It doesn’t feel like a natural progression of a disorder—it feels like my system became destabilized.

Final Note

I’m not looking for false reassurance—just honest experiences.

Right now, this feels like the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through, and I’m trying to understand whether people truly recover from this level of nervous system disruption.

Thanks for reading.

some might remember me from SA I didn’t post much. To start my story I took mirtazapine for 3 weeks in july last year due to small anxiety and sleep problems. It made me go completely numb I have 3 young children and a beautiful wife. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t feel my feelings for them anymore and in the end took an overdose as I thought I had just lost my love for my family. I stopped after this as I found online why I was numb. Within a couple weeks anhedonia kicked in along with blurred vision, tinnitus, ED, nerve pain in legs and unable to take naps as I get shocked awake in panic, SI, apathy, nothing I have ever experienced in my life. My pleasure centre is completely offline. I ended up in an inpatient unit after about 11 weeks due to me not trusting myself anymore. Managed to avoid most drugs they was offering as they was trying to give me hosts of stuff. I managed to agree on Mirtazapine and a low dose of 3.75mg. Upon reinstating I noticed my ED was a lot better and my mood was more neutral. It has been up and down since it’s bloody hard to keep going sometimes. I feel hopeless. I went down to 2.5mg after a month (to much of a drop) and noticed 2 weeks after that I had a return of symptoms which was morning anxiety and slight insomnia tried to hold this dose for about 3-4 weeks but nothing was changing so went back to 3.75mg. I feel horrendous for being back on this drug as I was only on it for a short time. The updose did help for a few days I felt better but now back to original low mood and hopeless feeling. Some nights I feel better last weekend I had two days of feeling a lot better so I’m hoping these are windows but not totally sure. Im scared I’ve delayed my healing and prolonged my suffering. My nerve pain has stopped and changed to a more pins a needles feeling. Reading other stories and relating my symptoms everyone who hasn’t reinstated would normally feel a lot better In 1.5-3 year mark and Im scared I’ve ruined this. I also have a high heart rate at times now which I didn’t really have before so I’ve defo upset my system. All in Im 25 weeks from the cold turkey and about 14 weeks since reinstatement. This journey is so hard the anhedonia really makes everything feel so bleak and dark. I guess I need to hold at this dose and just see how I’m feeling in months from now? 
 

chippy and Luke what a great site you have made honestly done such a good job I appreciate your time in helping everyone get through these dark times 

richie 

Link to my SA Thread:

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/33228-thelonelysoul12-generic-5mg-escitalopramlexapro-withdrawals/#comment-761727

So, as a short summary. I was on lexapro from 5 to 15 mg for years, between 8-10 years, can't quite recall exactly how long. Eventually, my life improved significantly so I managed to quit them by tapering under my psychiatrist guidance month after month. I might have been more agitated or restless after stopping, but nothing I couldn't handle with some exercise.

Now, around April 2025, after a harsh h pylori infection + gastritis + antibiotics that flipped my life upside down, I decided to return to antidepressants, as I remember lexapro helped me when I had bad anxiety and stomach or IBS issues. Huge mistake. Ever since the first dose that I felt heartburn, pain on my chest, my nose felt dry and like it was burning.... I decided to stay on it for 3 months, with some things improving or disappearing, but I would feel very unstable. My psychiatrist tried to add mirtazapine to the mix, a very small dose to sleep better, which i tried like 1/4 of it, but it left me like a zombie the next day, so I didn't take it again.

I remember I was on July feeling suicidal, for I was slowly curing my gastritis prior to starting the SSRI, but in summer I suddenly started feeling worse, day after day. PPI were interacting with lexapro too, so I was extremely unstable, with days feeling okay, and others with horrible pains and suicidal thoughts. I ended up cycling all available PPIs until settling on rabeprazole 10mg, so I only take this at the moment. I was doing therapy and voiced my concerns, so I decided to arm myself with valor and stop all medications after 3 months of use at 5mg. If I managed before restarting escitalopram, I would certainly manage better if I started feeling better physically after stopping. Oh boy how wrong I was.

Anyway, first weeks I was very dizzy and brain zaps, the usual stuff... 1 month in, I had a bad wave, which was very physical with the stomach. Super bloated, full of gas, etc... 2-3 months in, I would fluctuate with some good days, some less than ideal... And by months 4-6 I crashed BAD. I went to the ER multiple times as my heart would race all day. Living was a struggle, even struggled to eat what I would usually eat on a normal day. I needed a bit of diazepam or even a beta blocker to function minimally, but I don't think my body agreed too much, so I haven't taken more ever since.

After that horrible, traumatizing wave, I bumped back a little bit. I remember I even went for a very long walk in january, which is an achievement! I even did a bit of housework, managed to do daily walks like I used to, mourned the loss of my ex girlfriend without my system going into overdrive, my mind was more clear sometimes and could concentrate, had better mood and wanted to do things, and cleaned some stuff around the house....

Sadly, February came in, and another wave was looming. Week by week I would feel worse and worse. At the beginning it was maybe waking up a bit confused, panicky, or having a headache/temperature issues, then I would struggle doing the things I enjoyed as they were too stimulating, pots like tachycardia, my nose would start to burn like when I started the drug again... Now april is coming, oficially 8 months and 1 week off that drug, and I feel worse than ever.

I haven't been able to leave my house in two weeks now. I hurt too much, feel unstable, head hurts, nose burns, ears ringing, paranoid, salivating like crazy, dry mouth other times, feeling like i'm moving when sitting still, weakness, muscle and nerve pains, penis sensitivity/shocks/pain, sensitive nipples, goosebumps, pain when moving my eyes, muscles twitch, uncontrollable intrusive thoughts, brain dead, tachycardia, panic attacks, shaking so hard I can't even work from home, stomach and intestines hurt... I've been asking my sister or father to do some chores for me. The only victories i've had have been showering twice this week, and maybe cleaning the sink of the bathroom. This is by far the worst wave, and don't know for how much longer will it stay this intense. I remember that even during my worst on november, I managed to go shopping or go out. Maybe it's the warmer weather making things worse, I don't know... But the upcoming warm summer will definitely be the end of me in Spain if I don't recover even a 5-10%.

Anyway, just wanted to continue my story from Surviving antidepressants. I will keep updating for as long as I can, for I'm generally an online person and don't have it in me to disappear when recovered or things get better. I do usually stay away from places like this to avoid spiraling, but I'll come here every now and then to give occasional updates.

Hope to make it to recovery, although my hypochondria challenges that thought constantly. If I have to endure this for long, my mind tells me that either my heart will give out, or a stroke will end me, or who knows.

Well, this is all for the update. So far I'm still in the fight using every coping mechanism I might find. Definitely at rock bottom, 250 days out with the worst wave ever. Best of luck to all the fellow sufferers that are going through this. Massive respect to the ones that made it through, and hoping I can recover all I lost one day.

Almost two months have passed since I been out meds. What a scary process this is, no one warned me about what was coming… but let’s start from the beginning.

2019 was a very difficult year when it comes to work. Like an addicted I couldn’t do nothing but work, even a sunny Sunday was a day that I had to do some work at home. And even if I didn’t had any work I would invent some to do. I think most of things were fine, but then I started to feel overwhelmed with it. I felt like if my life was going but I couldn’t actually live it. My work environment wasn’t also perfect, there was like a feeling in the air that we had always to be on top, we couldn’t feel exhausted, we always had to delivered more and more. And then I started to feel unmotivated, I was not happy to go to work. Work something I love to do was suddenly something I was obligated to fulfill. I was always such a passionate Person and I lost the glow. I started to feel anxious, nervous, sad, stuck, and i didn’t enjoy anything. That was also when I began to think about quitting my job. Then I started to stress about it and that was when I started to be afraid of go to sleep, thinking I would not wake up on the next day but also with the feeling that sleeping was loosing time and I still had a lot to do and live. That was the breaking point of the medication, prescribed by my family doctor. I started the road of venlafaxine and sedoxil.

Seven years after, I decided it was time to stop this, I felt good in my life, with some stability and mentally stable to go through this.

I thought it was going to be difficult for some time, but never imagined what was to come. First two days of meds was just fine, not a lot of symptoms. But then the world got darker and darker. So I was a little dizzy, didn’t quite felt the floor beneath my feet, wasn’t really hungry, didn’t manage to drive ‘cause I couldn’t focus. But I thought, I think I can manage it, if these are the symptoms then I will make it easily !!!

The symptoms

As you may know by now that was the easy part…. That’s true. Then one Saturday evening, not even a week after, a darker thought just cross my mind, an emptiness just grabbed my mind and heart and I fel in a dark hole. Start to question every little thing, even if the earth is really round, why where cars driving, felt totally as an alien that just came to this planet and were learning about humans living their life.

Felt so scared, and so panic, and so lonely in the world. I didn’t understand what was happening, how did I stopped understanding the world, my life?! I started to feel afraid of going to sleep again, thinking I was going to die at any second.

I tried to explain this feeling to my family, friends and psychologist, but no one seemed to understand exactly what was I talking about. It’s always something “on our heads”!

I went to see my family doctor and when I said that, she made a weird face, like “this is going to be difficult than it was supposed” and booked an appointment with another psychologist. This new psychologist was just… I don’t even know what to call it… after speaking to her about the symptoms she just told me: so if people have a disease… people just take a medicine, if YOU decided to STOP, then you just to deal with consequences! I was dying after this, so I am making all this effort, being brave enough to tell my body this is a fresh start and 5 seconds with this lady and she just throw me to the floor, like if I made it wrong !!! Ridiculous.

So on my way home that was when I found a natural products store. After I told the girl that I just did my tapper, the first thing she told me was: congratulations that’s a huge step, you are being very brave! So that was when I found the supplements I’m taking know, tryptophan. This came to help me with physical symptoms, it’s been a progress, and a good one.

I desperately been looking to find some literature about this, and actually found 1 book, that made me find this community!! And I understand that abstinence is actually a thing, and that it is what I am going through. Another tool I found useful was indeed, AI - Gemini. And believe when I tell you I hated I use AI, but my despair was huge. It has been acting as a support during this process, it explains scientifically all symptoms and gives me some suggestions of practical actions that I can use when I am dealing with my anxiety.

Two months after the tapper, I still don’t feel connected to the world, I cannot deal with political systems, watch the news, have a discussion about something, understand the real purpose of life or of my work, I’m stuck on this loop of philosophical questions about life, because I cannot feel! I don’t get satisfaction, or simply joy for life. Everything is a red flag, or makes my brain understand danger. I felt one time, for a brief moment some mental clarity, like satisfaction and mental peace, almost like happiness for just being present in the world at that moment, but next morning it was not there anymore.

I think this just happend to let me know I’m alive here somewhere, and that when all systems are recovered I will be able to feel that way again. I really hope so.

Even though I know it’s lonely, empty, scary, panic, somewhere down there there is a little hope that this will pass. So hold on to that!! I will try that too.

I’ve been on antidepressants for many years and am currently navigating withdrawal, with the usual windows and waves that come with it. I’m here to connect, learn, and support others who truly understand this journey. I was also part of Surviving Antidepressants in the past and would love to reconnect with any old friends who might be here too. Looking forward to making some new connections 💙

My thread on SA