Hi! I'm not sure if I'm the only one, but I'm completely new here in both this forum and SA. I found the forum a few days ago, but I wasn't able to register a new account so I'll probably be here whenever I need to emotionally vent. I'm still figuring out the logistics of how to go about my withdrawal recovery, since the brain fog makes it hard to hold onto information most of the time, but I do understand it's better to understand the information myself before coming to others so I'll try to refrain from posting the more factual stuff.

 

If you guys want you can read my emotionally charged dumptruck of a reddit post here that just details everything: https://old.reddit.com/r/lexapro/comments/1pze3a7/withdrawal_vent_bad_on_it_bad_off_it_what_the/, but in summary:

 

As of right now I'm feeling tired and sad so I'll try to summarize what I can ;w;. I might come back to it when I'm feeling better. I just want some company right now cause I am currently convinced everyone hates me right now and everything I do is wrong.

 

So I was prescribed 10mg Lexapro during the spring from my NP who was working under my PCP due to disruptive depressive episodes that interfered with my school and ability to talk to friends. My original plan was to wait until I saw a new psychiatrist at my school (My old one was too expensive and too dismissive.) but they told me they could prescribe and help monitor it right away instead, and I know my PCP is usually very careful so I trusted them on it.

 

I was on Lexapro for 4 months. During the last two months the constant feeling of just laying down and sleeping right then and there started affecting my everything. I could barely concentrate on assignments and ended up failing one of my classes. My friends started noticing I was way more distant and scripted, and on my end talking and responding to someone took way more effort than it use to, to the point I would either try avoiding interacting with people (constant ghosting) or I would take double the time to figure out an adequate response. I could barely eat and skipped meals often because after 5 minutes of eating I would instantly feel too lethargic to continue eating, and would sometimes take 2 hours for me to regain the energy back to sit up and eat again. 

 

During November, I realized I ran out of meds, but I felt way too freaking tired and demotivated to go to my pharmacy to refill them. I ended up not taking Lexapro for 4 days, in which all the lethargy went away and was replaced with mania. I ended up getting the motivation to get my refill and then took it for a week because I didn't want to put myself in mania either. The lethargy came back and I ended up too tired and frankly too discouraged to take my meds again. I had an appointment for the 9th of December, so I had 2 more weeks to try to manage this myself. I tried to do 2 weeks of 10mg lexapro, but I just couldn't deal with what I was experiencing while I was on lexapro. I wanted to eat normally and wanted to talk normally and I had finals coming up so I wanted to do school normally. I would constantly go on it, then crave the functionality of being off it, so you know, that's what I did. I went off, then when I was functional enough - usually lasting up to 5 days -, I'd go back on it (didn't want to stay on it to avoid the mania getting too out of hand), and rinse and repeat. I'd say I was on and off Lexapro a total of 2 times off and 3 times on before going to my doctor's appointment on the 9th.

 

I went on the 9th and my NP told me this was out of both her and my PCP's hands, and that I would need to see a psychiatrist about this. That I should just stay on lexapro, despite the fact it literally makes me barely able to eat, until I saw a new psychiatrist, which my school was constantly changing around the mental health program due to Trump's budget cuts. They've stabilized now (or at least I hope so), but by that point I was just so consumed by whatever Lexapro was doing to me that I ended up procrastinating on the papers. I'll probably contact them again by email tonight or tomorrow, and then again by phone if they don't respond by the start of school (Jan 6th). My old psychiatrist is still too expensive and untrustworthy, and frankly any psychiatrist that I'm using insurance for is going to be too expensive for me to feel comfortable using.

 

I decided to go off Lexapro completely on the 9th, seeing that I couldn't get a psychiatrist right away and frankly I just didn't want to deal with everything anymore. The mania that would come during withdrawal is now gone. I'm going to copy and paste what I wrote on reddit because every time I type it out I get emotional and start spiraling:

 

If me being on lexapro was complete anhedonia of a lifeless soul who's only purpose was to sleep and survive, being off of it meant I was a tsunami of emotions under every breath. I wasn't controlled anymore, and to be honest I was barely controlled; just saying shit take after shit take and not being able to back down in situations where I would otherwise realize I don't know as much as the other person. Unpleasant to be around and was mad all the time. Was always holding in a cry. Holy shit the anxiety attacks. Just randomly being anxious for moments at a time where I was just horribly depressed and everything hurt and I couldn't shake off this fear that no one loved me anymore, just randomly set in out of nowhere. I couldn't talk when that happened. People noticed how absolutely quiet and spaced out I was recently. All around party pooper really, from what I'd seen. Killed the mood after a while because my anxiety would get the best of me and I just walked around all angsty and shit and if they told me I was fine I'd keep fighting them until I started crying and I couldn't stop and oh my god I hated myself. I started isolating myself a lot to avoid having it all take place again and really just was tired of failing to pretend to be fine, and to be fair, others did back to me because I'd try getting people to talk now and they don't want to continue the conversation anymore. I've tried being polite and inviting them to other stuff that I really wanted to do and they've refused so like. Haha man I really want to cry. Still can't process shit though, cause I'd be given info about stuff I use to talk about very passionately before taking lexapro and I can't comprehend what they're saying anymore.

 

I have discovered recently my suicidal thoughts are back (I haven't had them since I was 16!) so that's always a nice welcome home to an old friend of mine's. 

 

I've also filled out SA's Daily Checklist of Withdrawal Symptoms as seen in the two attachments below

 

I will reinstate when I figure out the dosage I should reinstate on. I'm just.. really scared of reinstating. Is that wrong? This is all the most pain I've gone through in my life but at least I can eat and half do things and feel good about myself occasionally. I know things will be better when I reinstate on a lower dose but subconsciously I'm still hesitant

 

As of right now, I just really want some empathy from people who understand what I'm going through. Or even some sympathy would be nice. It sounds stupid but I feel like I can't move on until I get that support. 

 

Thank you for having me here. Feel free to remove me if I'm disrupting anything

Lexapro Withdrawal day 21.pdf

Lexapro Withdrawal day 23.pdf

Welcome to the forum, Monthly_Vent.

 

I am the Recovery Assistant Bot and I am here to post some information for you whilst we await replies from other members.

 

This is a volunteer-run, community forum aimed at helping those who are experiencing difficulties with psychiatric medications. If you are experiencing an adverse reaction to them, withdrawal difficulties or are injured by them, we are very sorry to hear this and will do what we can to help you.

 

While we are waiting for human members to reply, there are some things you can do that will help you get the most out of this forum whilst you await further support.

 

Please familiarise yourself with the forum rules and the disclaimer located here:

https://antidepressantrecovery.org/misc.php?action=help

 

Please update your signature. This will allow members to see some basic information about your drug history and situation so that they may help you best. Information on how to do this is located in the guides linked above, but here is a direct link:

https://antidepressantrecovery.org/misc.php?action=help&hid=8

 

Once this is done, future posts made by you will have this signature turned on by default.

 

If you have migrated here from "SurvivingAntidepressants" feel free to post a link to your old thread in this one, or include it in your signature.

 

We hope that you will find this forum helpful.

Hi Monthly_Vent

 

Welcome to the forum. It's great to have you here. I think you might be our first non SA member congrats! 

 

You are more than welcome here.

 

Please read the bot post above and familiarise yourself with forum rules. Please remember this is a peer site. Members (including Mods and Mentors) are not medical professionals and do not offer medical advice. We can only share our thoughts, as a way to offer support to a fellow sufferer!

 

When you get a chance could you update your location (assuming US based on your thread) and an indication of your DOB. Helps members know a bit more about you. Just an indication 01/01/YEAR for example.

 

I'm very sorry to read about the terrible time you have been having. Life can throw us lemons sometimes. The community is here to help each other! 

 

I assure you not everyone hates you and not everything you do is wrong! :)  Continuing to seek professional counselling is an excellent idea. Finding a therapist that is a good fit for you is important.

 

The emotional numbing you mention is a common affect of ADs and a popular reason for users to want to discontinue as this can be quite distressing.

 

I'm sure you are aware a CT can cause considerable irritation to our CNSs and is not the advisable route. Once irritated subsequent, dose changes and further abrupt secessions only, add fuel to the fire.

 

What you do next should be very deliberate in my opinion to reduce further upset to your system. So you are right to think hard before acting IMO.

 

I'm sure you have read a lot of the information on SA, it is a wealth of knowledge on the subject.

 

Here are a couple of threads for your convenience if you haven't already been through them:

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/7562-reinstatement-about-reinstating-and-stabilizing-to-reduce-withdrawal-symptoms/?tab=comments#comment-33809

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/4244-how-long-does-it-take-to-stabilize-after-reinstating-or-updosing/

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/1008-before-you-begin-tapering-what-you-need-to-know/#comment-243808

 

I would also consider some help from Dr Mark Horowitz. He takes private appointments and if it's in your reach this would be worth looking into (I know it's not cheap). I have sent you his booking link in your PMs.

 

You are certainly within the time scales for reinstatement. We can't tell you what you should do. Whether to reinstate or what dose to go for if you do. That decision is yours and yours alone. Members can tell you their experiences and you can consider this when making this choice. We do know that when it works, reinstatement can be affective but it's not a magic bullet and not without its risks. If you were to try it I personally agree the low dose approach is what I would do. 

Again Dr Horowitz would be best to advise you on how to manage the exact dose.

 

In the mean time this is what I would do if I were you:

 

-Stay away from Caffeine, Alcohol and Antihistamines and any other psychoactive substances.

 

-Good clean whole food diet. Avoiding GM/processed foods and sugar. Plenty of fluids.

 

Supplements are to be avoided they often irritate our nervous systems. Try to get your nutrition through food.

 

SA recommend Fish Oil, Magnesium and Melatonin. As with all these things some find them helpful some can't handle them. Start low and see how you get on should you choose to try them.

 

A daily walk is very important as much as you can manage. Gets you your fresh air and Vitamin D does wonders for your mind!

 

Again it's great to have you here. Do let us know how you get on.

 

Chippy

I will reinstate when I figure out the dosage I should reinstate on. I'm just.. really scared of reinstating. Is that wrong? This is all the most pain I've gone through in my life but at least I can eat and half do things and feel good about myself occasionally. I know things will be better when I reinstate on a lower dose but subconsciously I'm still hesitant

 

As of right now, I just really want some empathy from people who understand what I'm going through. Or even some sympathy would be nice. It sounds stupid but I feel like I can't move on until I get that support. 

 

Thank you for having me here. Feel free to remove me if I'm disrupting anything

 

Thank you for joining. There are definitely people here who empathise.

 

 

Personally, I'm not sure I'd reinstate if at a couple of weeks off you already feel good sometimes. That's my opinion though, I'm not a qualified clinician, just someone who has observed a lot of people's experiences with these drugs on forums.

When you get a chance could you update your location (assuming US based on your thread) and an indication of your DOB. Helps members know a bit more about you. Just an indication 01/01/YEAR for example.

 

Thank you! I put in my DOB but I'm a bit wary of showing my birthday. I am comfortable sharing my age. Would that be okay?

 

I assure you not everyone hates you and not everything you do is wrong! :)  Continuing to seek professional counselling is an excellent idea. Finding a therapist that is a good fit for you is important.

 

Haha it's hard to remind me of that when it seems like everyone is either mad at me or distancing themselves from me (or both). I'm too stubborn now, can't hold my tongue now. I use to have to force myself and teach myself to get mad at something, and now I seem to do it a little too often and a little too impulsively. Then I'd get into depression and/or anxiety spells where all I want is a hug and I can feel them all judging me on how selfish I am for asking for support when I've been nothing but doing things how I want them to be done. I try to continue the conversation and people end up talking to me less. When things go well, I try to invite them to talk more and they tell me they can't, when with other people they're absolutely stoked. They're all expecting me to be the more enjoyable person I was before I went on lexapro, back when I was everything they wanted, and it's such a weird feeling to know I wasn't even being entirely myself before lexapro (to the point my friends constantly told me I needed to be less easygoing and just say what's on my mind) and now that I'm not playing along anymore they're distancing themselves from me. Does that make this the true me? I'm sometimes scared this is who I've always been if I just had the guts to impulsively spill it all out. What does that say about me if, deep inside, I'm everything this withdrawal is showing me I am?

 

Sorry for the tangent. I was supposed to get a new therapist alongside my new psychiatrist but uh.. still in the process with that. I am connected to NAMI though and there is a support group that meets every Thursdays, Sundays, and Mondays, so I can and probably will join that again until I get my therapist. (Originally left because it took too much of my time during a part of my life where I didn't really need it.) If needed I can also find a therapist pretty easily outside of my school for insanely cheap, since I know a few programs that I qualify for to make the cost go down. Unfortunately these programs don't do psychiatry though :/

 

The emotional numbing you mention is a common affect of ADs and a popular reason for users to want to discontinue as this can be quite distressing.

 

That was what I found online too. I understand that my PCP and my NP can't do much with more uncommon side effects, but I expected them to know how to handle one of the more common side effects, especially when I constantly emphasized my inability to eat and think. I remember sitting there being baffled when they told me they couldn't do anything and I'd have to go to a specialist for it because in my head, why did you prescribe it to me if you couldn't help me with a super common side effect?

 

What you do next should be very deliberate in my opinion to reduce further upset to your system. So you are right to think hard before acting IMO.

 

Thank you! Currently trying to figure out if 3 weeks off of it means I take a dose higher or lower than 1%. Especially since I don't have liquid lexapro so getting it to 1% would be more of a challenge. (Ugh math...) So far I've only seen recommendations for a few days and a few months, but nothing in between yet. I'd have to do more reading

 

Also thank you for the links! I've read them before, but also it was during some immense brain fog. I think typing out my plan actually helps? So I'm going to start writing it down from now on. 

 

-Stay away from Caffeine, Alcohol and Antihistamines and any other psychoactive substances.

 

-Good clean whole food diet. Avoiding GM/processed foods and sugar. Plenty of fluids.

 

Supplements are to be avoided they often irritate our nervous systems. Try to get your nutrition through food.

 

SA recommend Fish Oil, Magnesium and Melatonin. As with all these things some find them helpful some can't handle them. Start low and see how you get on should you choose to try them.

 

A daily walk is very important as much as you can manage. Gets you your fresh air and Vitamin D does wonders for your mind!

 

I don't do any substances and I tend to stay away from caffeine except for the occasional chocolate. Lately I've been drinking apple cider though, but that should stop now that the holidays are over. I'll try to avoid processed snacks from now on though since I regularly eat that.

 

I don't take supplements, but also nutrition is probably a minor problem right now ;w;. I'll try to eat more but my appetite has been waning a bit the longer I go on withdrawal (not an energy thing, just get full easily and I don't know why). I found it easier to eat bland foods and I don't know why. I find I get kind of addicted to the feeling of starvation, because it makes me feel kind of high and for some reason makes it easier to concentrate? I'm always in a better mood when I'm in starvation mode, which is definitely not healthy. If I'd have to guess, it's probably the dopamine that deprivation can trigger to put me in survival mode.

 

May I ask why Fish Oil and Magnesium? I get Melatonin if it's for sleep (though I don't have sleep problems so it should be fine. Worst it gets is usually when my anxiety gets too painful and I want to cry instead of sleep). I'll search it up later on SA but I would also appreciate hearing about it if you do know 

 

It's funny that you said daily walk and Vitamin D cause one, I'm apparently vitamin D deficient, so I should probably go outside more. But also two, I did go outside yesterday. It was later during the day, so didn't really get any vitamin D with that, but it also just felt nice, even if it was a tad socially dangerous to be doing it so late at night. I was heading to the library by myself and I remember how manageable my anxiety and depression felt, even though I did have to hold back on a few tears for the first few minutes of my first anxiety attack. I had a much harder time with brain fog, sure, but also it felt like I was better able to give a hand to my anxiety and depression than when I stayed cooped up in my room. Not sure why. I think it just felt nice to be expected to be alone for once if that makes any sense. I didn't go outside today due to the weather so I stayed in my room and I felt absolutely awful. I still do if I don't constantly distract myself today. I hate it.

 

But other than that, thank you for the introduction! It means a lot to have the space to just talk about this, because I feel like half the reason people keep leaving me now is because I'm moodier now (my cousin whom I was close to even told me I've been so moody lately while I was crying, so, there's that). I've been trying not to talk about it so much so people don't feel obligated to take care of me. A part of me still wishes I could just scream at them "please just give me a hug I need the hug and the listen and sympathy right now", but mm that might be too much for them when all I've been is argumentative and jealous and anxious...

---

Personally, I'm not sure I'd reinstate if at a couple of weeks off you already feel good sometimes. That's my opinion though, I'm not a qualified clinician, just someone who has observed a lot of people's experiences with these drugs on forums.

 

Thank you for the welcome : D

 

To be fair I have wondered if I should just ride the withdrawal fully. I was on lexapro for 4 months, which isn't a lot of time, and I've already spent 3 weeks cold turkey. Reinstating might make the process go slower, so it has crossed my mind before.

 

Question: how would you differentiate feeling good with the withdrawal symptom of mood swings? Sometimes I would feel okay but then the simplest trigger (like someone's tone of voice or not prioritizing me while we talk) or even just at random I'd end up hours depressed and anxious and unable to be present cause I feel like dogwater. Ironically, usually when I don't talk to people (meaning less triggers) I end up feeling okay. I've just deleted discord and reddit off my phone, and it's made me feel better that I can just sort of step away from the world a little bit. If I want to interact I would have to manually do it on my laptop, which means more work and less ability to just impulsively click on it out of boredom and then feel crap about how no one is talking to me or how the conversation I was having with someone didn't turn out well or how I was absolutely wrong about something and I'm being called out about it and all that. 

 

There's also the question of when the heck can I get my cognitive abilities back. I miss being able to understand things ;w;. People seem kind of confused around me when I start talking about things, or the other way around when I'm listening to what someone is saying and I feel like nothing is going in my head when the stuff they're talking about I use to be able to engage with pretty easily. I hate ruining the mood by looking dumbly at people and not responding with the usual wit instead. It was like that on lexapro, and I'm scared it'll continue like this from now on

Thank you! I put in my DOB but I'm a bit wary of showing my birthday. I am comfortable sharing my age. Would that be okay?

 

Age is fine. The way to show this is to fill out your DOB but leave the month and day as 1. Just says your year of birth then.

 

They're all expecting me to be the more enjoyable person I was before I went on lexapro,

 

It can be very hard getting people to understand what we go through in WD. It's why we decided to build this site.

 

If needed I can also find a therapist pretty easily outside of my school for insanely cheap, since I know a few programs that I qualify for to make the cost go down. Unfortunately these programs don't do psychiatry though :/

 

This is great!

 

That was what I found online too. I understand that my PCP and my NP can't do much with more uncommon side effects, but I expected them to know how to handle one of the more common side effects, especially when I constantly emphasized my inability to eat and think. I remember sitting there being baffled when they told me they couldn't do anything and I'd have to go to a specialist for it because in my head, why did you prescribe it to me if you couldn't help me with a super common side effect?

 

If Im honest I suspect the clinically useful affect the drugs have is the emotional numbing. (There are no side affects to drugs just affects, some wanted some not!) Take a pill dial the feeling down a little. But for some this is too much. Honestly it's luck of the drawn IMO how a user will react to a AD. I personally would see a therapist over a Physiatrist. I suspect most Physiatrists will look for a pill solution. Just my thoughts.

 

Thank you! Currently trying to figure out if 3 weeks off of it means I take a dose higher or lower than 1%. Especially since I don't have liquid lexapro so getting it to 1% would be more of a challenge. (Ugh math...) So far I've only seen recommendations for a few days and a few months, but nothing in between yet. I'd have to do more reading

 

Also thank you for the links! I've read them before, but also it was during some immense brain fog. I think typing out my plan actually helps? So I'm going to start writing it down from now on. 

 

As I said its your decision. Staying off is certainly an option. You weren't on the drugs long you may settle quickly. But obviously you may not. We don't and I wish we did.

 

drinking apple cider 

 

I would stay well away from alcohol. 100%

 

I don't take supplements, but also nutrition is probably a minor problem right now ;w;. I'll try to eat more but my appetite has been waning a bit the longer I go on withdrawal (not an energy thing, just get full easily and I don't know why). I found it easier to eat bland foods and I don't know why. I find I get kind of addicted to the feeling of starvation, because it makes me feel kind of high and for some reason makes it easier to concentrate? I'm always in a better mood when I'm in starvation mode, which is definitely not healthy. If I'd have to guess, it's probably the dopamine that deprivation can trigger to put me in survival mode.

 

Eat when you're hungry and try to eat well. Your body needs GOOD food. If you're hungry you probably need it. Choosing to not eat and enjoying the feeling isn't a good habit at all.

 

May I ask why Fish Oil and Magnesium? 

 

Some find they calm the nervous system. I don't take anything and choose GOOD food.

 

I didn't go outside today due to the weather so I stayed in my room and I felt absolutely awful. I still do if I don't constantly distract myself today. I hate it.

 

It's great you saw the benefits of a walk. It's a very powerful thing! I would push yourself to get 30 mins or so each day rain or shine. Its very important.

 

But other than that, thank you for the introduction! 

 

My pleasure. You're most welcome here. Sites still small but I suspect it will fill up over time.

 

Chippy

Hi Monthly_Vent,

Welcome to the AR site. I’m sorry to hear that there is a lot going on for you. The on again off again with Lexapro is not healthy for the nervous system or body. Luke and Chippy have spoken to this already. 

My first inclination is to suggest counseling. I don’t know you and can only offer general treatment options. Everyone here relates to most people not understanding what these drugs are capable of doing to us. So it further complicates our relationships, and other underlying psychological issues, we all face, that may have already been present. No one is without some sort of wounding but everyone relates to it differently. 

 

It appears that Somatic Experiencing or another somatic form of counseling could be good for you. The counselor can take a thorough history and work directly with  nervous system regulation, sensations related to emotions, relational/attachment issues, etc. CBT is your basic talk therapy but in my professional opinion doesn’t go as deeply as somatic therapy or say Jungian. One practitioner list to try is traumahealing.org  page down to find a practitioner

 

Faith also has a healing process to it but not everyone has one or is interested in using it. All the things Chippy mentioned about healthy practices is good. Nature can be healing that’s for sure—it’s a bit cold here but I still try to get a walk in a few times a week unless it’s below 20F.

 

My hope is that you find solace safely and soon. You are not alone in your struggles, and we want you to find your center again. We can offer a supportive ear, which can be healing. Obtaining professional help offsite is where the true healing will happen as you work through your struggles directly with a compassionate and competent therapist. 

 

All the best and let us know if you need any other recommendations or support. Blessings and Happy New Year!

Question: how would you differentiate feeling good with the withdrawal symptom of mood swings? Sometimes I would feel okay but then the simplest trigger (like someone's tone of voice or not prioritizing me while we talk) or even just at random I'd end up hours depressed and anxious and unable to be present cause I feel like dogwater. Ironically, usually when I don't talk to people (meaning less triggers) I end up feeling okay. I've just deleted discord and reddit off my phone, and it's made me feel better that I can just sort of step away from the world a little bit. If I want to interact I would have to manually do it on my laptop, which means more work and less ability to just impulsively click on it out of boredom and then feel crap about how no one is talking to me or how the conversation I was having with someone didn't turn out well or how I was absolutely wrong about something and I'm being called out about it and all that. 

 

Having any good periods at all is a good sign.

 

You're a couple of weeks off of these drugs. You need to step outside of how you feel hour by hour and consider where you want to be in a few months. Many people in protracted withdrawal do not end up having any good periods at all for months or even a number of years.

 

My opinion is that the more you disturb your body by adding in new doses and going up and down, the more you are risking deteriorating further.