Hello and good day,

not sure if I have any specific question but I feel like I would like to share my story to people who know and understand the struggle of tapering anti depressants. So thank you for reading.

Until a little bit more than 3 years ago I was living my dream (so it felt at least), I had my own thing going on, doing fun projects all the time, a great wife, a house in a beautiful spot near the sea. I could use my time as I wanted and so on. Of course there were challenges and subconscious patterns and triggers and stuff I had to work on. But I felt good about myself in general. I felt the spark of life most of my days.

Then suddenly and quite out of nowhere I got debilitating lower back pain (existing back injury that was stable for many years) and I ended up in an over 2 years long battle of extreme pain and misery. I was not able to walk nor sit. I had pain 24/7! But I came out of it, lots of inner work, physical and mental, seeing experts, making the hard calls, doing the hard stuff. But in the process I had to make my life very small, all my contacts fell off, I was isolated, in pain, and so on. I lost my spark!

After I got pain free I entered into a deep depression and I was in constant anxiety and I started to fantasize about not existing any more. I fixed my pain issue and yet I was not able to enjoy my victory. I did not know who I was any more and what I was supposed to do now. I ended up putting myself into a psychiatric hospital for some days where I was diagnose with a moderate depression mixed with some PTSD. I was put on sertraline 75mg and mirtazapine 15mg. Somehow this was a turning point, me admitting than I needed help and the validation that my mental health issue was quite normal after a prolonged traumatic event.

After 6 month of being stable I stated with the tapering of my medications, I did not like the way they made me feel. I was constantly tired and I just did not feel like myself (not sure if this is only because of the medication or perhaps because of the trauma I went through, or perhaps a mix of the two).

My taper journey was quite smooth, some bad days here and there but nothing major. I did, for most of the part, alternate my dose reduction between sertraline and mirtazapine with only minor withdrawal symptoms. I did hit my first hard wall with my last reduction, my plan now is to stabilize and do a prolonged hold of my current dose. Afterwards I will focus on tapering sertraline to 0, stabilize and hold again and then finish with the mirtazapine.

In general I don't feel depressed nor anxious but I do feel like a shell of myself, my inner spark did not return, I have zero motivation and I am still very tired for most of the time. Almost like I am a ghost or zombie. In between I have some sparks of motivation and excitement but in general it is nor good or bad.

As I mentioned I do fell my last reduction way stronger than any reduction in the past, the last 7 days are quite hard on me both mentally and physically, I do have all the textbook withdraw symptoms: brain fog, lack of short term memory, disturbed sleep, lack of appetite, burning skin, muscle aches, existential dread, lethargy, anhedonia, stuck in negative thoughts, rumination etc. This tells me I reached the 'end game' taper and that I need to step back for some time, hold and stabilize and then have a taper holiday for some time.

Apologies if my formatting and writing is not the best but my brain fog is quite pronounced.

Thank you for reading and if anyone feels inspired to interact please do so, all the best,

Ben

Edited October 2Oct 2 by SarahMc

Welcome to the forum!

 

This is a volunteer-run, community forum aimed at helping those who are tapering and/or experiencing difficulties with psychiatric medications and withdrawal syndrome. We are not medical professionals and cannot offer medical advice. We simply offer support and opinions which you could use as talking points with a medical provider knowledgeable in withdrawing off psychiatric medications.

The value of this forum is in the community it fosters. We hope that all of our members will be able to learn from each others' experiences, both the good and the bad. To this end, we strongly encourage members to not only document their personal journey on their own thread, but to read and post on other members' threads and otherwise make full use of the resources available throughout the forum.

 

Please familiarise yourself with the forum rules and the disclaimer located here: Guidelines

 

Please make sure your signature is kept up to date with your drug history. This will allow members to see some basic information about your drug history and situation so that they may help you best. Information on how to do this is located in the FAQs section above, but here is a direct link: Update Signature

Once this is done, future posts made by you will have this signature turned on by default. For this reason please keep it clear but condensed as possible.

Please use the format outline here Preferred signature/drug history format

I'm so sorry to read about the tough time you've had recently you will find plenty of support here for sure.

1 hour ago, Ben said:

Then suddenly and quite out of nowhere I got debilitating lower back pain (existing back injury that was stable for many years) and I ended up in an over 2 years long battle of extreme pain and misery. I was not able to walk nor sit. I had pain 24/7! But I came out of it, lots of inner work, physical and mental, seeing experts, making the hard calls, doing the hard stuff. But in the process I had to make my life very small, all my contacts fell off, I was isolated, in pain, and so on. I lost my spark!

This sounds like an incredibly difficult time and I'm sorry this happened. It's certainly something that would have a significant impact on most people's emotional state.

1 hour ago, Ben said:

After I got pain free I entered into a deep depression and I was in constant anxiety and I started to fantasize about not existing any more. I fixed my pain issue and yet I was not able to enjoy my victory. I did not know who I was any more and what I was supposed to do now. I ended up putting myself into a psychiatric hospital for some days where I was diagnose with a moderate depression mixed with some PTSD. I was put on sertraline 75mg and mirtazapine 15mg. Somehow this was a turning point, me admitting than I needed help and the validation that my mental health issue was quite normal after a prolonged traumatic event.

It sounds like, as you say, you had a pretty normal response to something awful that happened to you. Although our emotional states can be very painful themselves, most folks here would say that drugs are not the solution. Unfortunately the first (and often only) response from doctors is to offer drugs.

1 hour ago, Ben said:

My taper journey was quite smooth, some bad days here and there but nothing major. I did, for most of the part, alternate my dose reduction between sertraline and mirtazapine with only minor withdrawal symptoms. I did hit my first hard wall with my last reduction, my plan now is to stabilize and do a prolonged hold of my current dose. Afterwards I will focus on tapering sertraline to 0, stabilize and hold again and then finish with the mirtazapine.

In general I don't feel depressed nor anxious but I do feel like a shell of myself, my inner spark did not return, I have zero motivation and I am still very tired for most of the time. Almost like I am a ghost or zombie. In between I have some sparks of motivation and excitement but in general it is nor good or bad.

As I mentioned I do fell my last reduction way stronger than any reduction in the past, the last 7 days are quite hard on me both mentally and physically, I do have all the textbook withdraw symptoms: brain fog, lack of short term memory, disturbed sleep, lack of appetite, burning skin, muscle aches, existential dread, lethargy, anhedonia, stuck in negative thoughts, rumination etc. This tells me I reached the 'end game' taper and that I need to step back for some time, hold and stabilize and then have a taper holiday for some time.

I'm glad your taper has been relatively smooth up until your last drop. It's great that you were able to figure out you'd need to taper slowly -- most people get told by their doctors that they can come off much faster, and then they end up on these forums in quite bad shape. Based on what you've included in your signature, it does look like you've been tapering quite a bit faster than we'd usually advise, though you were also only on the drugs for six months so I understand thinking you might be able to get off more quickly than longer-term users.

Given that you crashed pretty hard after your last reduction, I absolutely agree that you should hold here at least until you stabilize. We generally define stability as withdrawal symptoms at a severity of around 1-3/10 (10 being very severe) for a prolonged period. I would also suggest that you think about slowing down your taper quite a bit when you start up again, as people often find their tapers hardest right at the end.

If you haven't already, you may want to check out the Maudsley Deprescribing Guidelines to help guide your final taper. We are also of course happy to answer any questions you may have when you want to start up again. But definitely a nice long hold is the way to go for now 😊.

In the mean time this is what I would do if I were you:

 

-Stay Hydrated 

 

-Eat a good clean whole food diet, avoiding processed foods and sugars.

-Stay away from caffeine, alcohol and antihistamines and any other psychoactive substances.

 

Supplements are to be avoided initially, as they often irritate our nervous systems. Try to get your nutrition through food.

 

Down the line, you may wish to introduce Fish Oil and Magnesium. Those who can tolerate them have found them calming to the nervous system. Be careful try one at a time and start low and see how you get on should you choose to try them.

 

A daily walk is very important as much as you can manage, if you can manage it. Gets you your fresh air and Vitamin D does wonders for your mind!

 

You are very welcome here and I hope you find the site supportive.

Edited October 3Oct 3 by SarahMc

@SarahMc Thanks for your reply. What you suggest aligns perfectly with what I had in mind.

I went as fast as my body allowed and as slow as it needed, and right now I realize that I went a bit too fast with my last few drops. I guess this is part of the process.

Short after my last medication drop I accidentally took Mirtazapine in the morning, thinking it was Sertraline, so I ended up taking 1.25 mg instead of my usual 0.8 mg. On a couple of nights before that, I wasn't sure whether I had taken my evening dose, so I may have taken it twice. And once, I took my morning dose of Sertraline in the early afternoon because I had forgotten to take it earlier. I'm pretty sure that all these little mix-ups didn't really help with my late-stage taper. I never messed up my intake before, this shows how this process can impact our memory and cognition.

Yesterday evening, completely out of nowhere, almost all of my symptoms disappeared. I was able to relax and enjoy myself, had a good night's sleep, and woke up feeling quite fresh and motivated. I did some light movement, had a shower and some food, and went for a walk around my land. But then a heavy fatigue came over me, and now I need to rest and take it easy again.

Classic waves and windows, I guess. It really is a roller coaster.

All the best,
B

2 hours ago, Ben said:

I went as fast as my body allowed and as slow as it needed, and right now I realize that I went a bit too fast with my last few drops. I guess this is part of the process.

This is a learning process for all of us, and as you suggest it's about listening to our bodies and learning our limits. It does seem that most people at some point go too fast and have to hold for a bit and slow things down, so you're definitely not alone in having hit that point yourself.

2 hours ago, Ben said:

Short after my last medication drop I accidentally took Mirtazapine in the morning, thinking it was Sertraline, so I ended up taking 1.25 mg instead of my usual 0.8 mg. On a couple of nights before that, I wasn't sure whether I had taken my evening dose, so I may have taken it twice. And once, I took my morning dose of Sertraline in the early afternoon because I had forgotten to take it earlier. I'm pretty sure that all these little mix-ups didn't really help with my late-stage taper. I never messed up my intake before, this shows how this process can impact our memory and cognition.

You're right that drug or dosing mistakes can contribute to destabilization, so it's very possible this is part of what happened to you. I struggle with brain fog and cognitive issues myself and have to be very deliberate about taking my own drugs to avoid mistakes. But again, everyone inevitably makes a mistake or two along the way and we can recover from them with time and patience.

2 hours ago, Ben said:

Yesterday evening, completely out of nowhere, almost all of my symptoms disappeared. I was able to relax and enjoy myself, had a good night's sleep, and woke up feeling quite fresh and motivated. I did some light movement, had a shower and some food, and went for a walk around my land. But then a heavy fatigue came over me, and now I need to rest and take it easy again.

Classic waves and windows, I guess. It really is a roller coaster.

Really great to hear that you had a nice window yesterday evening. For whatever mysterious reason, it's common to get some relief in the evenings. More to come in time 😊.

Hey @Ben and welcome to the forum. So glad you found us, you are among friends and those who understand. I myself have taken both the drugs you are on and can relate with a lot of what you have said, especially about having a wonderful life and then having a period where things are not so good thorough circumstances outside of your control.

I hope your hold helps settle everything down for you and you can continue your plan to taper off Sertraline first. As you may or may not be aware lower doses have an outsized effect on the brain to the higher doses, so as we get lower we must often go slower. Tapering can be tiring to the brain and drops can stack and build up into a crash. Have a read of our taper guide if you have not already. Tapering Information

@Chippy Hey Chippy, thank you. I am very happy and grateful for this page and for everyone who takes part in it by helping, sharing, and witnessing.

I have been researching antidepressants, how they work, and how to discontinue them ever since I ended up taking them. Surviving Antidepressants helped tremendously in gathering information and insights, so it’s great that we now have a continuation of it here with Antidepressant Recovery.

I am still shaken by my last drop. The waves and windows are coming and going quite quickly. One moment I feel acceptance and peace, and then, seemingly out of nowhere, existential dread, fatigue, and hopelessness take over.

With the intensity of the withdrawal symptoms turned up quite a notch compared to what I experienced previously, I am still aware that what I am experiencing are withdrawal symptoms and not the “real” me. But for sure, all of this is very challenging.

What is most uncomfortable for me is that I am still forced to be passive, without creativity or stamina, while constantly catching my brain drifting into desperate problem solving mode - so, back to unconditional acceptance!

Thank you all for reading — it really does help to write and share.

May we all heal and thrive,
B

Hi Ben,

Lovely to meet you, albeit during trying circumstances. It sounds like you’ve been on one hell of ride, including that of self discovery.

They say that these times are roads to making us stronger and revealing parts of us we often previously overlooked. I sympathise with you on the loving life part, I was also in a similar position last year prior to my panic attack. Crazy how life can change up in a matter of moments.

I don’t think you’re going to have any issue whatsoever mate, you seem to be tapering really well. I am having to take things extremely slow and have only managed a 10% reduction since July, possibly due to the underlining anxiety of the situation I continue to experience. I am also on Mirtazapine.

You’ve found the right place for support, this site was a god send for me in the beginning when I was in acute.

20 hours ago, Ben said:

Hey Chippy, thank you.

Pleasure mate

20 hours ago, Ben said:

I am very happy and grateful for this page and for everyone who takes part in it by helping, sharing, and witnessing.

I have been researching antidepressants, how they work, and how to discontinue them ever since I ended up taking them. Surviving Antidepressants helped tremendously in gathering information and insights, so it’s great that we now have a continuation of it here with Antidepressant Recovery.

Glad you found the community. Support and understanding in a world where we otherwise often don't find this, makes spaces like these invaluable and is why we started it.

20 hours ago, Ben said:

I am still shaken by my last drop. The waves and windows are coming and going quite quickly. One moment I feel acceptance and peace, and then, seemingly out of nowhere, existential dread, fatigue, and hopelessness take over.

WD is quite the shock to the system, symptoms that are out of this world and nothing like before. The fact you have already harnessed in peace and acceptance into your tool box is impressive. It is in my view the most important skill we can learn. It isn't a destination but a continued practice. Some days is easier than others and that is ok.

20 hours ago, Ben said:

With the intensity of the withdrawal symptoms turned up quite a notch compared to what I experienced previously, I am still aware that what I am experiencing are withdrawal symptoms and not the “real” me. But for sure, all of this is very challenging.

I know that vibe only too well. I thought I knew what feeling anxious was until WD hit. I found neuroemotions were like a bag of licorice alsorts, you never knew which one was coming next. Feelings Ive never felt before but switched on setting 11. Very challenging indeed. Recognising it's just WD is important, i see many doubt this and that doesn't help matters. Good work mate.

20 hours ago, Ben said:

What is most uncomfortable for me is that I am still forced to be passive, without creativity or stamina, while constantly catching my brain drifting into desperate problem solving mode - so, back to unconditional acceptance!

That is it exactly, just one day at a time, often going through the motions, it won't always be this way. As @Lighty always says its just temporary.

@The_Taper_Man nice to meet you too!

Thanks for the encouraging worlds. Hope your taper will progress smooth and steady.

Do you know what caused your panic attack? It is strange, scary but also fascinating how life can turn. My hope is that it can also turn again to a more positive trajectory (actually I know it can, it just dose not feel that way right now).

Onwards we go brother, have a blessed day,

B

@Chippy Hey Chippy, thanks again for your latest reply, this conversations mean the world to me. Just knowing we are not alone in it helps during these very isolating and lonely times.

Have a fantastic day,

B

The last couple of days have been a mixed bag of everything. Emotionally very uncomfortable, not anxiety and not really depressed, but a form of emotional pain I can not describe, something I never felt before. Perhaps a mix of doom, feeling of failure, fatigue and so on. A feeling of being so fed up with myself and the reality that I am creating that can not be medicated, drugged or distracted away any longer. A feeling of being trapped in hell with no redemption and no energy available to change it. And at the same time I realize that I have aged and I am not a young man any more (I look in great shape, so I don't mean that I aged visibly, more realizing that I am somewhere around half life and what I have done and not done in the past is now catching up on me). A feeling of 'is that it? Is this all I have left in me?'

But now on to the positive part:

In all this discomfort I also had an opening, a strong inner resolution that came to me. A inner voice telling me I can't keep on doing what I have been doing the last three years. The inner resolution told me to stop avoiding and distracting my pain and instead feel it, be with it, there is no more running away from it. In the last three years I needed to develop coping strategies to distract myself form my pain and one of them was to make my world extremely small and another one was to consume digital content like movies, series but also scrolling in order to numb and distract. So I did for sure become addicted to it. Every time I feel pain and discomfort (which is all the time) I would be on my phone, getting my artificial dopamine fix. Before my crisis I was to active and happy to be on the phone or the computer. I would watch some move here and there but nothing excessive. Looking back I must have spent at least 5-10 hours a day behind a screen (this is not good and for sure not good for my mental health).

So the last couple of days I have been avoiding all digital content (I deleted my Facebook and Instagram accounts), I order some books on trauma work and spirituality. I started meditating again (even when it is uncomfortable) and even bought some guided meditations. I also started to more openly talk to my loved ones about my current pain and struggle.

A positive thing I notice so far is that I am getting moments of clarity where I do feel something like an alignment to life again. I am actively trying to connect with the bigger version of myself, every time I feel distressed, a negative thought or emotion coming up, I try to surrender to it, name it, allow it to be there but also pray to my higher self to transform my shadows into gifts. It is a first attempt on turning my situation around that involves a shift in attitude, I am curios to see how this evolves.

This morning I woke up around 4 AM and was a bit anxious and could not fall back to sleep again, the classic looping thoughts of doom and the like. So I decided to instead wake up, lid up some candles and started a guided meditation. It felt great and as I am writing this words I even feel a bit of motivation to start some small project around the house today. The only way out is through, I guess.

All the best,

B

2 hours ago, Ben said:

The last couple of days have been a mixed bag of everything. Emotionally very uncomfortable, not anxiety and not really depressed, but a form of emotional pain I can not describe, something I never felt before. Perhaps a mix of doom, feeling of failure, fatigue and so on. A feeling of being so fed up with myself and the reality that I am creating that can not be medicated, drugged or distracted away any longer. A feeling of being trapped in hell with no redemption and no energy available to change it. And at the same time I realize that I have aged and I am not a young man any more (I look in great shape, so I don't mean that I aged visibly, more realizing that I am somewhere around half life and what I have done and not done in the past is now catching up on me). A feeling of 'is that it? Is this all I have left in me?'

This sounds like the underlying current of doom/despair/hopelessness that I experience a lot, and that I've seen other people try to describe as well. It feels very alien and chemical to me. Almost like your brain has been taken over by some foreign element that has sucked all the joy, pleasure and peace from the world. I saw someone describe it as a "horror movie feeling," which I thought was pretty apt.

2 hours ago, Ben said:

So the last couple of days I have been avoiding all digital content (I deleted my Facebook and Instagram accounts), I order some books on trauma work and spirituality. I started meditating again (even when it is uncomfortable) and even bought some guided meditations. I also started to more openly talk to my loved ones about my current pain and struggle.

A positive thing I notice so far is that I am getting moments of clarity where I do feel something like an alignment to life again. I am actively trying to connect with the bigger version of myself, every time I feel distressed, a negative thought or emotion coming up, I try to surrender to it, name it, allow it to be there but also pray to my higher self to transform my shadows into gifts. It is a first attempt on turning my situation around that involves a shift in attitude, I am curios to see how this evolves.

This morning I woke up around 4 AM and was a bit anxious and could not fall back to sleep again, the classic looping thoughts of doom and the like. So I decided to instead wake up, lid up some candles and started a guided meditation. It felt great and as I am writing this words I even feel a bit of motivation to start some small project around the house today. The only way out is through, I guess.

If there are any silver linings to withdrawal, one of them is that it gives us the opportunity to develop coping skills that we can carry over into normal life once this is all done. Sounds like you're taking full advantage. Keep it up, you're on the right track 😊

Welcome to the forum.

As the others have said, we have seen people find tapering fine, until it is not fine. It's good that you immediately halted, hopefully that means you'll not crash too badly after pushing through a taper that's worsening you. Having a period of relief is a good sign of this, I think.

Little update:

My windows are expanding, I had some good days with energy and something like mental clarity. Moments of calmness and positivity.

Still very little appetite and quite some nausea at times, but also this is fluctuating with good moments in between.

Otherwise not much to report, riding out the waves and enjoying the windows - there is clearly an uptrend noticeable.

All the best,

B

Hi @Ben out of interest what made you taper the two meds concurrently?

2 hours ago, Ben said:

My windows are expanding, I had some good days with energy and something like mental clarity. Moments of calmness and positivity.

Still very little appetite and quite some nausea at times, but also this is fluctuating with good moments in between.

Otherwise not much to report, riding out the waves and enjoying the windows - there is clearly an uptrend noticeable.

Really glad to hear it Ben! Sounds like you're heading in the right direction. Stay patient and wait until you find some real stability before restarting your taper, no need to rush things. You've got this.

@Steve1 I did not like how they made me feel, all the mental and physical side effects. Also when I agreed on taking them nobody educated me on side effects and on the hardship of discontinuing them. After studying the literature I decided to come off them as fast as possible in order to regain my independence.

But I did hit a wall in the end and after a extended taper holiday I will be tapering off Zoloft first while holding Mirtazapine.

I had a handful of really good days, I was very active around the new property my wife and I bought earlier this year. The place needs lots of work, love and attention, which is nice but also a bit stressful with the place I am in right now. Anyway, the last days I was very active, got lots of work done and enjoyed every moment of it. Lots of energy and power. I had my spark in my eyes and just loved it all. I could see all the potential, I was connected to life and the endless possibilities it provides. A feeling of 'all is good'.

Today I am back in a wave, I woke up early with my wife in order to meditate before a business meeting we got scheduled quite early in the moring. I slept really good but waking up was hard, as if my body was not done with resting. I forced myself up anyway and did my morning meditation that went quite well. I felt a little bit off but I was sure it will pass as the morning would progress.

When we arrived at the business meeting I was not able to stand the bright office lights, my brain did not function and I was not able to speak nor stand up for our interests. My wife had to do jump in and she had to steer the negotiations. I was trapped in a fog of nothingness. This made me feel extremely useless and small, afterwards I had to go home and rest. On top of the mental fog and existential doom, all of my little injuries I acquired over my lifetime started to hurt, my shoulder, my lower back, even my teeth started to hurt (I have perfectly healthy teeth).

The contrast of my experience of life I had only 24 hours ago to my experience of life I have right now is like day and night. Also I have zero appetite today and I am relaying only on raw milk for nourishment.

I know all this is part of the process and it will pass - nevertheless it is bone crushing and humbling.

Thank you for reading!

All the best,

B