Hello everyone,

 

First and foremost I’d like to thank those who have provided I and many others with the opportunity to present their story in the hope that others can support and guide us. It is immeasurably appreciated. 🙂

 

Here is a link to my SA Thread

 

Now onto my personal journey.

 

I am a 36 year old male from Birmingham, England. I began taking Citalopram in 2016 after a relationship breakdown with my ex partner with whom I have two children (aged 12 and 8). At first, it helped. It eased my anxiety, fear and depressive state. But the problem (as is the problem for so many!), is that I naively stayed on the drug for far, far too long. Looking back now, I believe I could have navigated the break up with alternative therapy but of course we all wish we’d never started these drugs, don’t we?

 

I am now with my ‘new’ partner and we have been together about five years (we have a two year old boy). In mid 2022, it dawned upon me that Citalopram wasn’t doing anything for me anymore. I had reached the point where I was taking the drug through sheer habit, and I had started to notice my emotions were becoming significantly blunted and dialled down. At this point, I had absolutely no idea about the concept of antidepressant withdrawal. I was never told about it when I first started Citalopram and had no reason to research it prior to my first attempt to cease the drug.

 

I spoke to a GP about stopping the medication and I was informed I could reduce by 5mg every two weeks before reaching 0mg. Unbelievable to acknowledge this linear approach now, but back then I felt as though this was logical advice. In May 2022, I stopped taking Citalopram for the first time in about six years. By July, I had to unsurprisingly reinstate as the withdrawal symptoms were becoming overwhelming. I started taking 5mg, then updosed to 10mg a month or so later and then was back on 20mg by September. By January 2023, all of my withdrawal symptoms had eased, the last of which being head pressure, disequilibrium and daily headaches.

 

Following this, I was determined to discover why exactly this quest to stop Citalopram was so challenging. In my research, I came across the Surviving Antidepressants forum and was horrified to discover just how many people were going through a similar ordeal. The key message I discovered was that I needed to taper very, very slowly. After realising I could crush the Citalopram tablets and dilute them in water using a 1:2 ratio (thank you to Rhiannon on Surviving Antidepressants for this info!), I started a second taper using a 10% every four weeks reduction approach. To create these dosages, I was actually at times consuming crushed tablets alongside the liquid form drops which I now realise could have been providing me with inaccurate dosages due to the bioavailability difference between liquid and tablet form Citalopram. Despite this, I managed to reach 1.2mg in April 2025 with minimal withdrawal symptoms between each reduction.

 

The end of April is where this second, far more challenging phase of my journey began. I made a decision that when I reduced to 1mg of Citalopram that I would switch from crushing tablets to solely diluting the liquid form (thankfully my GP had already granted me a prescription of this). So effectively I would be consuming 1mg of liquid (equivalent to 1.25mg in tablet form).

 

About a week after crossing over from tablet to liquid, withdrawal (or in this case was it destabilisation?) symptoms dawned upon me. The head pressure, visual disturbances, morning anxiety, poor sleep, tinnitus and fatigued all returned. I was completely heartbroken and terrified.

 

On 17th May, I made a pretty panicked decision to updose to one liquid drop (2.5mg) in order to try and stabilise myself. I began to feel some minor relief, and continued to use the Citalopram liquid dropper mechanism to administer one drop every day. However, about a month later, I came across a post on Surviving Antidepressants where a member explained the issue with a dropper mechanism: a single drop could be inaccurate by 0.02ml either way. The mechanism itself is designed to administer 0.05ml of the drug (which is 2mg in liquid form). If the mechanism itself was proving to be sporadic on a daily basis, then I could have been consuming 0.03ml on one day (1.2mg), and 0.07ml on another (2.8mg). This huge variance was certainly not giving my nervous system the stability it needed. I could have been consuming a different dosage every day of the week. Being so far down the occupancy curve, this definitely wasn’t helping me in my quest to stabilise, but was most likely hindering me further instead.

 

With this new knowledge in mind, I made the decision to start creating my own liquid dilution by following the Maudsley Deprescribing Guidelines. Since 23rd June 2025, I have been administering 2.5mg of Citalopram by creating a 4mg/ml solution on a daily basis. I consume the required volume at pretty much the same time every morning and my method is precisely consistent.

 

Slowly, I’ve started to experience some relief. At the beginning, my symptoms were very intense but somehow I was able to continue my work as a teacher. However, I am now seven months into this consistent 2.5mg and I am still nowhere near stable. Some symptoms have improved such as my morning anxiety and sleep, but so many issues remain. Daily head pressure, visual problems, disequilibrium, brain fog etc.

 

In essence, I thought that by now I would have achieved stability but sadly this is not the case at all. Thankfully, I can still work and run regularly but the general demands of life weigh me down every single day. I honestly don’t know how I’m still functioning as a working father of three and I feel quite fortunate that I am still able to do so (even though there are many days that I just feel like going on long term sick leave).

 

Ultimately, I made three mistakes (haven’t we all? 😅) in the April/May/June period of last year:

 

1 — Crossing over from tablet to liquid so far down the occupancy curve

 

2 — Updosing from 1.25mg to 2.5mg in May

 

3 — Using the inaccurate dropper mechanism for a month, unaware that it could have been causing further instability

 

What I’m hoping for here is quite simple really: reassurance that I will stabilise. I am just hoping that someone out there on this platform will be able to tell me that this timeframe (seven months into a consistent 2.5mg dose) is well within the norm, and that if I just keep holding then the symptoms will begin to fade. To still experience quite brutal waves where the symptoms are much, much louder is really hard for me to understand. I’ve been in a wave for the past 10 days or so and it’s been one of the worst I can remember since June. Seven months in but this can still happen? It’s unbelievable how powerful these drugs are! Surely my nervous system will eventually calm down if I just maintain this 2.5mg and do not make any further changes. 

 

Once I stabilise, my plan is to hold for a prolonged period. Then, when I’m ready, I will begin a microtaper (which may take years, but slow and steady wins the race with this horrific journey we face). Anyway, the microtaper is irrelevant right now. I am currently praying to God every single day that stability will greet me soon, so I can just get through daily life without being dominated by destabilisation symptoms.

 

Finally, I hope that I can hear from someone who has been through a similar experience and thank anyone who takes the time to read my story.

 

With warmest wishes to you all,

Josh

Hi Josh

 

Welcome to the forum!

 

Thank you for taking the time to write such a fantastic intro post on here very well written.

 

Im sorry for what you have been through on your journey so far with Citalopram. 

 

I can see you are a long way into that journey and like many have made some mistakes along the way. If only we could have all had the guidance we needing before starting these meds then a lot of suffering could have been avoided. 

 

I can see you are holding 2.5mg and have been for 7 months at this point. The inconstancy you explained so well before swapping to making up your own solution, as you know, wouldn't have helped matters.

You recognise you have seen some stability but not as much as you want or are expecting in that time frame. Im sorry to hear this. It is great that you can still work and function but I understand that this at times feels like a reach for you. Im not surprised.

 

As you know your nervous system has had a bit of a punch with all it has had to deal with.

 

I think your plan is a solid one. I know many have very long holds before finding enough stability to continue to taper.

 

I think I would stay as you are if it were me. The brain likes stability and trying to reduce further from here would upset the apple cart I suspect.

 

Im glad you made it over to AR and it is great to have you here, however I wish there was no need for a forum at all.

 

Chippy

28 minutes ago, Chippy said:

Hi Josh

 

Welcome to the forum!

 

Thank you for taking the time to write such a fantastic intro post on here very well written.

 

Im sorry for what you have been through on your journey so far with Citalopram. 

 

I can see you are a long way into that journey and like many have made some mistakes along the way. If only we could have all had the guidance we needing before starting these meds then a lot of suffering could have be avoided. 

 

I can see you are holding 2.5mg and have been for 7 months at this point. The inconstancy you explained so well before swapping to making up your own solution, as you know, wouldn't have helped matters.

You recognise you have seen some stability but not as much as you want or are expecting in that time frame. Im sorry to hear this. It is great that you can still work and function but I understand that this at times feels like a reach for you. Im not surprised.

 

As you know your nervous system has had a bit of a punch with all it has had to deal with.

 

I think your plan is a solid one. I know many have very long holds before finding enough stability to continue to taper.

 

I think I would stay as you are if it were me. The brain likes stability and trying to reduce further from here would upset the apple cart I suspect.

 

Im glad you made it over to AR and it is great to have you here, however I wish there was no need for a forum at all.

 

Chippy

Hi there Chippy,

 

Thank you for your quick reply. I guess the common denominator here is that none of us begin our journey as psych med experts and unfortunately make errors along the way.

 

Thanks for the validation about my plan. Right now, reducing or updosing would surely only destabilise me even further. The logical option is to just hold and wait, no matter how long that takes.

 

If anyone should read this that has personal experience of a long hold or anything to read further about it then I’d love to hear more.

 

Thank you again Chippy and all the best to you. 

11 minutes ago, JoshyLaze said:

Right now, reducing or updosing would surely only destabilise me even further. The logical option is to just hold and wait, no matter how long that takes.

I agree.

 

It a pleasure my friend post as little or as much as you want/need, you know where we are if you need us.

Thank you for joining.

 

11 hours ago, JoshyLaze said:

At this point, I had absolutely no idea about the concept of antidepressant withdrawal. I was never told about it when I first started Citalopram and had no reason to research it prior to my first attempt to cease the drug.

 

This is extremely common, unfortunately.

 

It's something I'm actively working on trying to change.

 

If you are able to, please make a Yellow Card report to the MHRA who are the government agency responsible for the safety of medicines in the UK:

Yellow Card | Making medicines and medical devices safer

Why is the fear loop of “I’m stuck like this permanently” when destabilised so unbelievably difficult to overcome? Practising acceptance is probably the hardest part of this journey. My brain can’t logically understand why after eight months it can still feel so destabilised. Functioning but uncomfortable in a long plateau at the moment, just praying that soon enough relief will appear. 

57 minutes ago, JoshyLaze said:

Practising acceptance is probably the hardest part of this journey. 

@JoshyLaze so very true, like hitting a wall, such a hard muscle to train..

Praying for you, hopefully relief will come very soon.

No one can really give you ultimate reassurance about any of this stuff. It’s heavily dependant and individualised per person as everyone’s brains and nervous systems are unique to them. What works for someone else may not work exactly the same to another. If a specific taper works for some it may create further issues or disrupt further. Only YOU know how YOU are feeling and what your process of getting off the medication will feel like. Be patient, accept the process and just track your symptoms and severity with each drop. If a specific cut is too much it’s your choice on whether you stay and hold and wait for stabilisation or go back up. Stabilisation in most people WILL occur but how long it takes depends on your symptoms, and your nervous system entirely. 
 

The tapering process can be gruelling for those who are extremely sensitive so I commend you on your efforts, you’re stronger than you believe and staying a functional father to your 3 children is no easy task through this. Regardless, you will come off the drug eventually but it may take time, this I’m sure you’re already become aware of. Most do stabilise every cut in time, but some get there quicker than others and that’s okay, your nervous system is trying to recalibrate whether you believe it is or not, so trust the process my friend. 

10 months in and I still don’t feel close to stability. I can’t be the only person in this world who fears all the mistakes they’ve made means they are stuck in the same state forever.

I don’t understand how after a consistent dose, at the same time of day, prepared in the exact same way can still render me feeling similar symptoms ten months later. Struggling, but have to keep going, right?

Hey @JoshyLaze thanks for popping by to update. I’m sorry things are still tough for you.

You’re certainly not the only one to think things won’t improve. It can feel this way at times for all of us. But things do improve, unfortunately they can take longer than we would like.

We’ve all got that fight in us even though sometimes it doesn’t feel like it. Hang in there things will settle for you eventually.

On 5/2/2026 at 2:27 PM, Chippy said:

Hey @JoshyLaze thanks for popping by to update. I’m sorry things are still tough for you.

You’re certainly not the only one to think things won’t improve. It can feel this way at times for all of us. But things do improve, unfortunately they can take longer than we would like.

We’ve all got that fight in us even though sometimes it doesn’t feel like it. Hang in there things will settle for you eventually.

Thanks for your reply Chippy. I appreciate it.

It all just feels so permanent at the moment. My baseline doesn’t feel like it has changed for months, and I never imagined it would take so long to achieve stability. Resuming the taper isn’t even on my mind anymore, I just want to feel stable and relatively symptom free (to the point where it’s not dominating me physically and mentally every day).

I wish I knew when that would come, and I’m staggered I’m able to continue working through this process. I’ve thought about taking extended sick leave but I don’t think that will ‘speed up’ the healing, perhaps just make the process less intense.

40 minutes ago, JoshyLaze said:

Thanks for your reply Chippy. I appreciate it.

Pleasure mate.

40 minutes ago, JoshyLaze said:

It all just feels so permanent at the moment. My baseline doesn’t feel like it has changed for months, and I never imagined it would take so long to achieve stability. Resuming the taper isn’t even on my mind anymore, I just want to feel stable and relatively symptom free (to the point where it’s not dominating me physically and mentally every day).

I think many can relate mate. There a number of people on here holding much longer than they would like. It ca take a long time for things to settle down.

41 minutes ago, JoshyLaze said:

wish I knew when that would come, and I’m staggered I’m able to continue working through this process. I’ve thought about taking extended sick leave but I don’t think that will ‘speed up’ the healing, perhaps just make the process less intense.

It’s the wise part in some ways, the unknown. If you can keep some normality I think this is good. The distraction is a good coping skill too. I’m sure it’s hard though. Hopefully things will settle soon for you.