part 1

I am writing my story, having found this website after watching Dr. Jozef's Youtube channel about withdrawal from psych meds and thought I would share my story.

Maybe it can help someone.

Born in 1974. I was in and out of counseling since I was in middle school through high school. Just a sensitive kid, nothing bad. I have a high IQ, and was a poor student.

Just turning 21 in July 1995 and after failing out of two colleges, my mother went to my old psychologist to get me put on medication because my sister met someone who took medication and it helped them, I sat w a new PCP who had me answer questions on a pamphlet., like "Do you ever gfeel sad, etc? " Sure, everyone feels sad, right? Left the appointment w dx of depression and anxiety. Anyway, put on 200mgs of zoloft and 60 mgs of Ritalin and clonopin of 20mg at night. I started having suicidal thoughts and wanted to hurt others, insomnia, and my hands shook. I was told to keep taking med because "based on these thoughts, you need med". within 2 years, my daily Ritalin was 140-180 mgs per day w the same amount of zoloft and clonopin. No, that is not a typo, I know now that I was basically on meth/cocaine levels of stimulation. I had to exercise at full insanity for three hours a day every day., and had to drive my car 2 hours a day just to be in motion. I could not sleep. but when I did, I would be so exhausted, I would sleep through fire alarms in my dorm, in fact I didn't even know they happened. I finally graduated in Dec 200, so I quit taking the Ritalin.

People in college would say "how can you be on an upper and a depressant?" I was not reassed, and the suicidal thoughts and wanted to hurt others were w me at all times. trapped in my head. I would occasionally feel like "I was crawling out of my skin or my skin was shrinking", and I would loose control and do reckless behavior, and just "stop". Like I was possessed.

I'd ask my mom for weekly therapy, and she said no. it's not like my parents couldn't afford it.

In 2002 I got married to my wife, who is from Europe. We met in 1998 and fell in love. She went back to Europe for long periods for her school, so by 200-2002 after stopping Ritalin, the Zoloft side effects got worse.

In 2002 after 7 years of med, I was a different person. 2003 our son was born and I was a horrible father and husband. The zoloft wiped me out. I was soooo tired. My 1 year old son would pull on my eye lids to wake me up while I was supposed to be watching him. We went to family therapy, and the counselor would challenge me on being a better husband. In Jan 2005, I took myself off of my meds on my own and went mad. The family therapist recommending me a doctor out of Western Pysch who DX me w Bi-polar along w depression. I was then put on 4700 mg of Depakote, 45 mg of Abilify and 200 mgs of Zolofy along w 40 mg of Concerta and 20 mgs of clonopin. w/in a week, I was "crawling out of my skin or my skin was shrinking", and I would loose control and do reckless behavior. I would explain to the doctor this feeling, like turning into the "wolf man", but he just said I was bi-polar and this was just part of the deal. I lost my job in 2006, another in 2007 and another in 2008. I gained 40 pounds and was basically sedated, except for the periods of "crawling out of my skin or my skin was shrinking", and I would loose control and do reckless behavior. In 2008 I went to see Gary Sachs at Mass General, the 1# bi-polar guy in the world for a 2nd opinion. He told me I was dx'd correctly. I also could not have money in my name due to reckless spending. So, I was still having constant, suicidal thoughts and wanted to hurt others were w me at all times. trapped in my head bi-weekly "crawling out of my skin or my skin was shrinking", and I would loose control and do reckless behavior. being a sedated person, horrible father and husband, and could not hold a job, but my wife stayed w me. In fall 2009, I told my doctor, how I was afraid "the wolfman would become permanent", and I didn't want to be a bad husband, but he said I would only get worse. In Dec 2009.I took half a bottle of clonopin and tried to kill myself. (first time put this pen to paper) I didn't;t want my wife to see become a horrible person.

My wife saved me, and I became exactly what I was afraid i'd become and was willing to kill myself to stop. At hospital, my horrible parents blamed my wife, I got new doctors and were told I was going to get divorce. (my parents are monsters) I was put on 200 mg of zolof, 1350 mg of lithium and 45 mg of abilify 40 mg of concerta and 20 mg of clonopin. Well, from Dec 2009- Dec 2011, I blew thew $100,000 US, because I was constantly "crawling out of my skin or my skin was shrinking", and I would loose control and do reckless behavior. I was going through a divorce, horrible dad and could barely hold a job. I would beg to the doctors "I can't feel anything like loosing my marriage, friends, loss, etc other than rage, some laughter and exhaustion. I wanted to hurt myself all the time and others, and they'd say come back in a month"

My hands and knees shook violently. like, my foot was playing the bass drum on a drum kit. I had to continue to drive incessantly.

Part 2 tomorrow

Hi @FZappa

Welcome to the forum.

Thank you for part 1 of your story. As you put this in the success stories section, I assume part 2 will have a more positive tone!?

I am so sorry for all you described in part 1. Sounds like these drugs have caused you, and your family, alot of suffering.

I look forward to reading some more of your journey,

Chippy

part 2

I am writing an abbreviated synopsis of my Dec 2011 story to the present. it's a really crazy story.

On Christmas day 2011, on my own, I took myself cold turkey off 1350 mg of Liithum, 45 mgs of Abilify, and reduced myself 50mgs of Zolot each month from 200, and returned all my meds on May 11, 2012. I didn't read anything or taper, or consult w anyone. I am not recommending this to anyone, as what I did was as reckless as anything. i have not taken a single med since then 5/11/12 and don't see any doctors or therapist.

Yes, from what I understand, just the lithium and abilify cold/withdrawal itself basically should have killed me. From watching Dr. Josef's youtube channel, I now can call what I experienced "protracted withdrawal". I just figured my body was used to the meds, 17 years worth and just freaking out.

My hands/ feet stopped shaking almost immediately.

I cried literally every day for a year, uncontrollable sobbing for hours on end.

My mood swings went from euphoria to rage like a light switch from Dec 11--Nov 2012

My brain hurt like a concussion for a year

My muscles were so tight, like iron, and had electricity going through my body for almost a year

Brain zaps for almost a year

I talked incessantly, like I was on speed from June 2012-Feb 2015.

I was still quick to anger and very angry from 2012-2020. side effects of all the rage I felt, it too went away.

I was an insomniac, being awake for 36 hours and sleeping only 5 hours from June 2012-July 2013. I would have normal function, like driving, exercise, work, etc.

Next phase of insomnia was July 213-Sept 2015 where I slept 1-3 hours per night, but would crash once every 8-10 days and sleep 18 hours. I would have normal function, like driving, exercise, work, etc.

Next phase of insomnia was Sept 2015-Spring 2020, where I slept 3-5 hours per night, but would crash once every 8-10 days and sleep 18 hours. I would have normal function, like driving, exercise, work, etc.

Then the insomnia stopped, however I still sleep less than almost everyone I know.

Taking myself off medication, literally 100% of everyone thought I was loosing my mind. soo many people stopped talking to me, and still to this day won't.

First Ah-Ha moment

in July 2012 , I almost go hit by a car, and said to myself "good thing I didn't get hit, cause I don't want to die" and "I also don't want to hurt anyone" I literally was biting my own tongue and pinching myself as this was the first time in 17 I hadn't felt that way!

My 2nd ah-ha! moment...in Aug 2012, by googling "Zoloft and it auto filed horror stories" I found out that the "Crawling out of my skin/skin shrinking" what I described to my doctors was Akathisia, restless leg syndrome, and part of Akathisia when on psych meds is loosing your inhibitions and going off and doing reckless things. Brynn Hartman, who killed actor Phil Hartman, and herself, described Akathisia to her doctors. She too was on Zoloft. I found so many examples of people who go on psych meds and like a light switch going on, do reckless things, even hurt others. I put my insomnia to good use.

Yes, this is what I described to Gary Sachs, literally the #1 expert in the whole world. Think about the movie Fight Club where the Narrator figures out he is Tyler Durded, thats what it was like for me.

Pennsylvania's malpractice law is 2 years limitations, so I couldn't use anyone, even though I was basically given poison and was properly describing my side effects. Of course, which doctor do I go back to?

Even though I was a victim of med mal, I decided to own that yes, I was a bad friends, employee, father, husband, etc. and I would earn my way back into people's lives.

My wife and I ended up getting divorced. However, we ended up going to family therapy, for years, and slowly rebuilding trust and I moved back in w her and our son in Oct 2016.

He graduates from college in less than two weeks. he understands I was on medicine, and even when I came back and my brain was fixing itself, but i said and did things that impacted our relationship. i'm not the same person brain wise today that I was in 2020 or earlier.

I have been gainfully employed for the past 13 years. two different companies, w multiple promotions. Only in 2015 did I finally get a job w a corporate type company, worked for small business doing manual labor/driving a van due to brain recovery.

I realize that thinking all of those horrible thoughts for 17 years trapped in my own mind, and taking myself off the meds and my brain healing itself, has left me w some form of trauma. My wife's friend does Chinese medicine and wanted pics of our tongues w/out knowing anything about me. he looked at mine, and said "this guy has experience horrific psychological trauma" I will never get back the blowing off my money, and the lack of career development, having restarting my career.

I live w a lot of guilt of being a bad husband a poor father to my son as a child. I see pics of him as a 3 year old, and know I failed. My memories from 2002-2009 are gone, I just don't remember most of a decade.

I know i'm not that person, but knowing I was the cause of trauma and pain, does not relieve me of the guilt.

I have lived my own hell. having becoming the person, I tried to kill myself to stop, however, I got a second chance and redeemed and rebuilt my life.

I have slowly but surely made peace w the past and redeemed myself in the present, having raised my son and will be re-marrying my wife this August.

I am sooooo lucky and thankful. I am literally luck to be alive. that cliche is thrown around, but in my case it's 100000% true.

A number of my friends see me as an example and are much betters fathers and husbands as they see me rebuilt my life and all they need to do is fix a few things. I have met 5 people who, when I describe "crawling out of my skin", they are so taken aback as they also experienced it, and thought it was only something they experienced and literally have to sit down.

Those people along w friends tell me I should share my story, so here it is.

if I can withdrawal of these amounts of meds on my own, w professional assistance you can too!

Thank you for reading this and hopefully it can help someone.

Thank you for posting your part 2, I merged it with part 1 to keep it all together.

I am so pleased your life is working out for you. Congratulations on the wedding in August. I hope it an amazing day, you guys deserve it.

I think your son will look back and realise what an incredible and strong father he has. No one can understand the pain and suffering these drugs can cause a person, unless they have been through it.

Chippy

Thank you for sharing your story. It is incredible what has been done to you and how much you suffered. My respect to you for rebuilding your life.

You must have a wonderful partner! Congratulations to your remarriage.

On 4/27/2026 at 6:17 PM, FZappa said:

part 2

I am writing an abbreviated synopsis of my Dec 2011 story to the present. it's a really crazy story.

On Christmas day 2011, on my own, I took myself cold turkey off 1350 mg of Liithum, 45 mgs of Abilify, and reduced myself 50mgs of Zolot each month from 200, and returned all my meds on May 11, 2012. I didn't read anything or taper, or consult w anyone. I am not recommending this to anyone, as what I did was as reckless as anything. i have not taken a single med since then 5/11/12 and don't see any doctors or therapist.

Yes, from what I understand, just the lithium and abilify cold/withdrawal itself basically should have killed me. From watching Dr. Josef's youtube channel, I now can call what I experienced "protracted withdrawal". I just figured my body was used to the meds, 17 years worth and just freaking out.

My hands/ feet stopped shaking almost immediately.

I cried literally every day for a year, uncontrollable sobbing for hours on end.

My mood swings went from euphoria to rage like a light switch from Dec 11--Nov 2012

My brain hurt like a concussion for a year

My muscles were so tight, like iron, and had electricity going through my body for almost a year

Brain zaps for almost a year

I talked incessantly, like I was on speed from June 2012-Feb 2015.

I was still quick to anger and very angry from 2012-2020. side effects of all the rage I felt, it too went away.

I was an insomniac, being awake for 36 hours and sleeping only 5 hours from June 2012-July 2013. I would have normal function, like driving, exercise, work, etc.

Next phase of insomnia was July 213-Sept 2015 where I slept 1-3 hours per night, but would crash once every 8-10 days and sleep 18 hours. I would have normal function, like driving, exercise, work, etc.

Next phase of insomnia was Sept 2015-Spring 2020, where I slept 3-5 hours per night, but would crash once every 8-10 days and sleep 18 hours. I would have normal function, like driving, exercise, work, etc.

Then the insomnia stopped, however I still sleep less than almost everyone I know.

Taking myself off medication, literally 100% of everyone thought I was loosing my mind. soo many people stopped talking to me, and still to this day won't.

First Ah-Ha moment

in July 2012 , I almost go hit by a car, and said to myself "good thing I didn't get hit, cause I don't want to die" and "I also don't want to hurt anyone" I literally was biting my own tongue and pinching myself as this was the first time in 17 I hadn't felt that way!

My 2nd ah-ha! moment...in Aug 2012, by googling "Zoloft and it auto filed horror stories" I found out that the "Crawling out of my skin/skin shrinking" what I described to my doctors was Akathisia, restless leg syndrome, and part of Akathisia when on psych meds is loosing your inhibitions and going off and doing reckless things. Brynn Hartman, who killed actor Phil Hartman, and herself, described Akathisia to her doctors. She too was on Zoloft. I found so many examples of people who go on psych meds and like a light switch going on, do reckless things, even hurt others. I put my insomnia to good use.

Yes, this is what I described to Gary Sachs, literally the #1 expert in the whole world. Think about the movie Fight Club where the Narrator figures out he is Tyler Durded, thats what it was like for me.

Pennsylvania's malpractice law is 2 years limitations, so I couldn't use anyone, even though I was basically given poison and was properly describing my side effects. Of course, which doctor do I go back to?

Even though I was a victim of med mal, I decided to own that yes, I was a bad friends, employee, father, husband, etc. and I would earn my way back into people's lives.

My wife and I ended up getting divorced. However, we ended up going to family therapy, for years, and slowly rebuilding trust and I moved back in w her and our son in Oct 2016.

He graduates from college in less than two weeks. he understands I was on medicine, and even when I came back and my brain was fixing itself, but i said and did things that impacted our relationship. i'm not the same person brain wise today that I was in 2020 or earlier.

I have been gainfully employed for the past 13 years. two different companies, w multiple promotions. Only in 2015 did I finally get a job w a corporate type company, worked for small business doing manual labor/driving a van due to brain recovery.

I realize that thinking all of those horrible thoughts for 17 years trapped in my own mind, and taking myself off the meds and my brain healing itself, has left me w some form of trauma. My wife's friend does Chinese medicine and wanted pics of our tongues w/out knowing anything about me. he looked at mine, and said "this guy has experience horrific psychological trauma" I will never get back the blowing off my money, and the lack of career development, having restarting my career.

I live w a lot of guilt of being a bad husband a poor father to my son as a child. I see pics of him as a 3 year old, and know I failed. My memories from 2002-2009 are gone, I just don't remember most of a decade.

I know i'm not that person, but knowing I was the cause of trauma and pain, does not relieve me of the guilt.

I have lived my own hell. having becoming the person, I tried to kill myself to stop, however, I got a second chance and redeemed and rebuilt my life.

I have slowly but surely made peace w the past and redeemed myself in the present, having raised my son and will be re-marrying my wife this August.

I am sooooo lucky and thankful. I am literally luck to be alive. that cliche is thrown around, but in my case it's 100000% true.

A number of my friends see me as an example and are much betters fathers and husbands as they see me rebuilt my life and all they need to do is fix a few things. I have met 5 people who, when I describe "crawling out of my skin", they are so taken aback as they also experienced it, and thought it was only something they experienced and literally have to sit down.

Those people along w friends tell me I should share my story, so here it is.

if I can withdrawal of these amounts of meds on my own, w professional assistance you can too!

Thank you for reading this and hopefully it can help someone.

Very inspirational story. It give me hope that we can get better and better. I need to continue fighting this evil medication. Like you mentioned, I have also felt bad that there were many things I did that it was due to the medication. I have asked my entire family for forgiveness and as I am tapering off, I have realized that it wasn't my fault of any wrong doing or behavior.

Definitely, it is worth to come off and be our trueselves...