9 hours ago, TonyLee said:

Luke’s summary is spot‑on. I am familiar with the first category, and I feel fortunate I chose the alternative path of staying off all psychiatric medications. During my sertraline withdrawal, I developed clear‑cut depression, a condition I had never experienced before.

I also very much agree with another point: further along in recovery, we stop fixating on which brain region or circuit heals first. Right now though, we are all in too much of a hurry to get back to our pre‑medication baseline. We reaped the benefits the medication once gave us, and perhaps now is the time we have to pay the devil back.

Thank you Chippy for your advice. For the time being at least, I remain committed to avoiding all psychiatric drugs. I have to give my nervous system the maximum room and best possible environment to heal.

Thank you both for everything you contribute to this forum. Wish you all the best!

Tony

You're doing so well @TonyLee ive seen a massive difference in you already from the first time you messaged me when you were having trouble with your introduction post. Its beautiful to see and in such a short time too.

Another reason its not beneficial to fixate on brain regions healing patterns etc is because we are all so unique it doesn't really necessarily apply. For example one of the first things to heal for me was nighttime sleep which a lot of the time is noted to be one of the last things to get better. There's so much we dont know its best not to fixate just yet and maybe wait until we are more stable to try and further data/research in thar regard.

Thank you for your replies and encouragement. @cherrysquid The reason I look up and study neuroscience materials is entirely out of my fear of these symptoms. I hope to find answers to give myself goals and confidence. As the saying goes, ignorance is bliss. When I stopped my medication, I never imagined such intense withdrawal symptoms would occur. Still, the fear of the unknown is far more terrifying.

The remaining function of my prefrontal cortex is devoted to only two things: to keep myself alive, and to avoid taking any psychiatric medication.

As time goes by, my windows grow longer and the troughs grow shorter, interspersed with neutral flat periods. At times I struggle to shift my emotions. Intellectually I know I am improving, yet every trough wears down my willpower.

It feels like being in an arena. I know the beast will retreat with time, yet every encounter drains my strength. I also have to learn not to fight back when the beast attacks, to conserve energy and hold my ground. I understand there is no fixed duration for this duel, and that time is the only real answer. All other measures only serve to ease symptoms when the waves crash over me.

Time will tell. Perhaps that is the answer.

5 hours ago, TonyLee said:

As time goes by, my windows grow longer and the troughs grow shorter, interspersed with neutral flat periods.

These are all signs of trending towards recovery.

@Luke Thank you for your encouragement, Luke. These days I still fear I will never get my old personality back. Since coming off medication, especially after the severe depressive episode in my sixth month post‑withdrawal, I feel like a completely different person. This state has lasted so long that I can barely recall many of my past experiences and feelings.

Over the past month, I occasionally catch brief glimpses of my old playful, joking self, yet those moments are fleeting. More often than not, sleep brings sadness, headaches and despair. Whether it is nighttime sleep or a daytime nap, waking always drags my mood right back down into the trough.

@Chippy You have always been so passionate, your words full of hope and drive. I am curious: have you truly returned to your pre‑medication baseline? Can we ever truly get back our old personalities?

3 hours ago, TonyLee said:

@Chippy You have always been so passionate, your words full of hope and drive. I am curious: have you truly returned to your pre‑medication baseline? Can we ever truly get back our old personalities?

Bless you @TonyLee I try to be, glad we can be of help. I am currently still in PWD, very slowly improving as time passes. I am confident we will all improve over time and go on to live happy lives. :)

This:

3 hours ago, TonyLee said:

Over the past month, I occasionally catch brief glimpses of my old playful, joking self, yet those moments are fleeting.

Is a good early sign that this fear is not going to come to pass:

3 hours ago, TonyLee said:

These days I still fear I will never get my old personality back.

This is a very typical way for improvements and recovery to begin.

Heya @TonyLee just checking in, seeing how you're getting on 😊

Haven’t opened the forum in a long time. These past weeks have been really rough. My OCD has flared badly. I get irritable and snap easily, and my family has grown more distant. Since I wrote my last‑month suicide note, suicide feels less and less of a barrier to me, though I am still holding my bottom‑line safety boundary.

I think this state partly stems from shifts in my own condition, and partly from stress triggered by interactions with my family. My weight keeps dropping and my appetite has not returned. I mechanically force myself to eat once during daytime, and only feel like having some snacks in the evening.

I can now understand those forum members who stop posting. There are many moments I do not want to talk at all. Even encouraging words no longer register with me. There is no hope, no expectation. A few days ago it hit me: starvation would spare me from having to make the suicide choice, since I simply have no desire to eat anyway.

My muscle twitches have not improved. At worst, my whole body stays rigid all night long. I take 250 mg glycine magnesium plus 36 mg magnesium threonate. Total elemental magnesium for the day is close to the safe upper limit.

I wonder if I will ever recover. Even if all PWD symptoms fade away, I will still have my baseline primary‑form OCD to live with. Thank you @cherrysquid for checking in. Wish you well and hope you can find some happiness.

@TonyLee you've had encouraging signs and some fleeting better times. Unfortunately as we get better these often come crashing back down again and that is very difficult to deal with psychologically.

I hope that in time it begins to become more clear that you're improving.

6 hours ago, TonyLee said:

Haven’t opened the forum in a long time. These past weeks have been really rough. My OCD has flared badly. I get irritable and snap easily, and my family has grown more distant. Since I wrote my last‑month suicide note, suicide feels less and less of a barrier to me, though I am still holding my bottom‑line safety boundary.

I think this state partly stems from shifts in my own condition, and partly from stress triggered by interactions with my family. My weight keeps dropping and my appetite has not returned. I mechanically force myself to eat once during daytime, and only feel like having some snacks in the evening.

I can now understand those forum members who stop posting. There are many moments I do not want to talk at all. Even encouraging words no longer register with me. There is no hope, no expectation. A few days ago it hit me: starvation would spare me from having to make the suicide choice, since I simply have no desire to eat anyway.

My muscle twitches have not improved. At worst, my whole body stays rigid all night long. I take 250 mg glycine magnesium plus 36 mg magnesium threonate. Total elemental magnesium for the day is close to the safe upper limit.

I wonder if I will ever recover. Even if all PWD symptoms fade away, I will still have my baseline primary‑form OCD to live with. Thank you @cherrysquid for checking in. Wish you well and hope you can find some happiness.

Im sorry to read Tony.

Remember there's good times and bad times. Hold on for your daughter ❤️ put more barriers in place for when that SI gets too high. Here we have a crisis line. Is there anything like that local to you?

Youre not alone in this and don't have to suffer alone - we are here to hold you above the water as best we can.

@TonyLee I am so sorry to read how you have been mate. Please keep yourself safe. No permenant solutions to temporary problems. As with all things, this too shall pass. Time really is our friend and you are stronger than you know. I understand it is hard to be here on the forum sometimes, however we are always here for you when you need. Shore up that last line of defence, I am confident you will be glad you did and will say so in your success post on here which I can't wait to read.

Reading your replies made me burst into tears again T﹏T

@Luke Thank you for all your encouragement and advice every single time. I hope you recover soon too.

@Chippy Your words are always so comforting. I understand that right now time is the only real‑effect medicine. All supplements and methods can only ease symptoms. I also know my brain is far tougher than I give it credit for. I can feel my brain racing against my body, yet I have no idea where the finish line lies or how much longer my body can hold on. There have been many days when I do not want to speak at all. In real‑life, I feel I have become a burden to everyone. Very often I wake up in the morning plunged into emotional rock‑bottom, and it takes me the whole day just to calm down. I have no choice but to give up resistance and stop struggling. I hold fast to only two things: staying alive and avoiding psychiatric medications. I can only hope this faint willpower can last until the day I heal.

@cherrysquid We do have psychological crisis hotlines here. I called a few days ago. They asked whether they could follow‑up with me because I brought up suicidal thoughts. I turned it down. I did not believe follow‑up calls would help. In fact, after hanging up, I felt even less willing to talk about my condition. I am genuinely lonely. Even within AR, everyone’s illness course and experiences differ. That is why I have barely talked to anyone about my symptoms for a long time. Just from stopping those few pills, I feel I have dragged too many people down, and I ought not to bother anyone else. Thank you for remembering me. If I stop logging into the forum, please forget about me. I hope your life is filled with warmth and light.Best wishes, my dear friend!

4 minutes ago, TonyLee said:

Reading your replies made me burst into tears again T﹏T

@Luke Thank you for all your encouragement and advice every single time. I hope you recover soon too.

@Chippy Your words are always so comforting. I understand that right now time is the only real‑effect medicine. All supplements and methods can only ease symptoms. I also know my brain is far tougher than I give it credit for. I can feel my brain racing against my body, yet I have no idea where the finish line lies or how much longer my body can hold on. There have been many days when I do not want to speak at all. In real‑life, I feel I have become a burden to everyone. Very often I wake up in the morning plunged into emotional rock‑bottom, and it takes me the whole day just to calm down. I have no choice but to give up resistance and stop struggling. I hold fast to only two things: staying alive and avoiding psychiatric medications. I can only hope this faint willpower can last until the day I heal.

@cherrysquid We do have psychological crisis hotlines here. I called a few days ago. They asked whether they could follow‑up with me because I brought up suicidal thoughts. I turned it down. I did not believe follow‑up calls would help. In fact, after hanging up, I felt even less willing to talk about my condition. I am genuinely lonely. Even within AR, everyone’s illness course and experiences differ. That is why I have barely talked to anyone about my symptoms for a long time. Just from stopping those few pills, I feel I have dragged too many people down, and I ought not to bother anyone else. Thank you for remembering me. If I stop logging into the forum, please forget about me. I hope your life is filled with warmth and light.Best wishes, my dear friend!

Don't be sorry and you're not bringing people down we here all have awful times, the suffering is horrendous. We dont need to have the exact same experience and its difficult to anyway because everyone is so different.

Ill never forget about you, so no lol. I won't forget anyone I talk to on here. Youre worthy of support and friendship regardless how much you're suffering or how negative you feel.

7 minutes ago, TonyLee said:

I also know my brain is far tougher than I give it credit for.

Exactly mate! Hang onto that and don't doubt your own strength.

8 minutes ago, TonyLee said:

I have no choice but to give up resistance and stop struggling.

This is so important! It can really help with just getting through the day, which is all you need to do for the minute. Cope with the day. Give no thought to anything else.

8 minutes ago, TonyLee said:

I feel I have become a burden to everyone.

You are NOT a burden to anyone! You are a very important member of this community and this planet, don't forget this. Any thoughts that say otherwise is just WD lying to you!

@TonyLee just to add, the SI is a common symptom of withdrawal. You're not yourself right now.

I suffered with this symptom for a very long time but it's much better now. It only happens fleetingly and increasingly rarely.

Quick update on my recent progress. Thanks to Luke, Chippy, Sarah and Michael. Your encouragement has helped me enormously. I also want to sincerely thank everyone else who has given me advice.

For over a week I have been learning to live with my OCD. “Learning to live with” feels like the right phrase, because these sensations feel both familiar and alien. I keep remembering what Chippy told me: our brains are far more resilient than we give them credit for. So every time obsessive urges hit, I try my best to sit with them. I even give in to the compulsive washing, carrying out the rituals without inner resistance. I believe it was Luke who said these symptoms are simply what our brain is compelling us to do.

A few days ago I developed diffuse akathisia. Lying or sitting still, I would get uncontrollable urges to wash my hands, take showers, or clean my phone and other objects. I adjusted my breathing and carried out those compulsive acts. Several times, halfway through the rituals, I suddenly sensed that the washing was actually unnecessary. My guess is the glutamate storm had subsided ahead of the compulsive‑behaviour loop.

Over these past two‑three days, OCD symptoms have eased slightly, with no depressive rebound. I can listen to music again, and it actually brings me pleasure. Some songs still make me cry, yet the tears stop once the track ends. I think my auditory threshold has gone up, while my emotional threshold has not caught up yet. This is already a good sign; I have reclaimed one of the things that once brought me joy.

This state somewhat resembles where I was at five months post‑withdrawal. I still dare not try alcohol. Loud‑volume music is tolerable, but singing into a microphone still triggers overwhelming tears and I cannot keep going.

I have read a great deal about opioid and benzodiazepine withdrawal. It feels as though I took six years of a modified ecstasy, one that never even produced a high. Like sertraline, it manipulates serotonin. Unlike typical substance withdrawal, I carry the extra major variable of pre‑existing primary OCD.

I am seeing clearer cyclical patterns in my symptoms at set times: depression comes first, followed by physical symptoms including headaches, dizziness and fatigue, and then OCD. People say recovery slows down after the twelve‑month mark — time will tell. I have accumulated so much experience and weathered so many ups and downs. If PWD is a ferocious beast, it is also a manifestation of our brain in this altered state. The best way to tame it is to endure each of its assaults. Fighting against it only leaves both sides wounded.

The night is long that never finds the day.

1 hour ago, TonyLee said:

Quick update on my recent progress. Thanks to Luke, Chippy, Sarah and Michael. Your encouragement has helped me enormously. I also want to sincerely thank everyone else who has given me advice.

For over a week I have been learning to live with my OCD. “Learning to live with” feels like the right phrase, because these sensations feel both familiar and alien. I keep remembering what Chippy told me: our brains are far more resilient than we give them credit for. So every time obsessive urges hit, I try my best to sit with them. I even give in to the compulsive washing, carrying out the rituals without inner resistance. I believe it was Luke who said these symptoms are simply what our brain is compelling us to do.

A few days ago I developed diffuse akathisia. Lying or sitting still, I would get uncontrollable urges to wash my hands, take showers, or clean my phone and other objects. I adjusted my breathing and carried out those compulsive acts. Several times, halfway through the rituals, I suddenly sensed that the washing was actually unnecessary. My guess is the glutamate storm had subsided ahead of the compulsive‑behaviour loop.

Over these past two‑three days, OCD symptoms have eased slightly, with no depressive rebound. I can listen to music again, and it actually brings me pleasure. Some songs still make me cry, yet the tears stop once the track ends. I think my auditory threshold has gone up, while my emotional threshold has not caught up yet. This is already a good sign; I have reclaimed one of the things that once brought me joy.

This state somewhat resembles where I was at five months post‑withdrawal. I still dare not try alcohol. Loud‑volume music is tolerable, but singing into a microphone still triggers overwhelming tears and I cannot keep going.

I have read a great deal about opioid and benzodiazepine withdrawal. It feels as though I took six years of a modified ecstasy, one that never even produced a high. Like sertraline, it manipulates serotonin. Unlike typical substance withdrawal, I carry the extra major variable of pre‑existing primary OCD.

I am seeing clearer cyclical patterns in my symptoms at set times: depression comes first, followed by physical symptoms including headaches, dizziness and fatigue, and then OCD. People say recovery slows down after the twelve‑month mark — time will tell. I have accumulated so much experience and weathered so many ups and downs. If PWD is a ferocious beast, it is also a manifestation of our brain in this altered state. The best way to tame it is to endure each of its assaults. Fighting against it only leaves both sides wounded.

The night is long that never finds the day.

Im so so happy to read this! Well done. I'm glad youre feeling loads better. ❤️❤️

@cherrysquid I know your symptoms have started fluctuating lately. I hope my experience can give you some reference. What we are going through is far harder than substance withdrawal patients. Not only do we live with primary OCD — we keep facing rebounds of our original symptoms throughout withdrawal — we also have no replacement medications like methadone.

I know many people try gabapentin and trazodone, yet those only help with sleep onset. They cannot fix the fragmented sleep we get in the late‑night hours.

Everyone says time is our only tool, alongside lowering daily neurological stimulation. But the hardest thing we can do subjectively is simply adapt. It feels like undergoing surgery without anaesthesia: you learn to tolerate the pain and wait for it to fade.

I hope you feel better soon. There is no need to force a smile. Every emotion we feel belongs to us.

15 hours ago, TonyLee said:

Quick update on my recent progress. Thanks to Luke, Chippy, Sarah and Michael. Your encouragement has helped me enormously. I also want to sincerely thank everyone else who has given me advice.

For over a week I have been learning to live with my OCD. “Learning to live with” feels like the right phrase, because these sensations feel both familiar and alien. I keep remembering what Chippy told me: our brains are far more resilient than we give them credit for. So every time obsessive urges hit, I try my best to sit with them. I even give in to the compulsive washing, carrying out the rituals without inner resistance. I believe it was Luke who said these symptoms are simply what our brain is compelling us to do.

A few days ago I developed diffuse akathisia. Lying or sitting still, I would get uncontrollable urges to wash my hands, take showers, or clean my phone and other objects. I adjusted my breathing and carried out those compulsive acts. Several times, halfway through the rituals, I suddenly sensed that the washing was actually unnecessary. My guess is the glutamate storm had subsided ahead of the compulsive‑behaviour loop.

Over these past two‑three days, OCD symptoms have eased slightly, with no depressive rebound. I can listen to music again, and it actually brings me pleasure. Some songs still make me cry, yet the tears stop once the track ends. I think my auditory threshold has gone up, while my emotional threshold has not caught up yet. This is already a good sign; I have reclaimed one of the things that once brought me joy.

This state somewhat resembles where I was at five months post‑withdrawal. I still dare not try alcohol. Loud‑volume music is tolerable, but singing into a microphone still triggers overwhelming tears and I cannot keep going.

I have read a great deal about opioid and benzodiazepine withdrawal. It feels as though I took six years of a modified ecstasy, one that never even produced a high. Like sertraline, it manipulates serotonin. Unlike typical substance withdrawal, I carry the extra major variable of pre‑existing primary OCD.

I am seeing clearer cyclical patterns in my symptoms at set times: depression comes first, followed by physical symptoms including headaches, dizziness and fatigue, and then OCD. People say recovery slows down after the twelve‑month mark — time will tell. I have accumulated so much experience and weathered so many ups and downs. If PWD is a ferocious beast, it is also a manifestation of our brain in this altered state. The best way to tame it is to endure each of its assaults. Fighting against it only leaves both sides wounded.

The night is long that never finds the day.

Im so glad to read that all of those wonderful people have helped you and that youve been learning to live with your OCD. I also have OCD so its definitely not easy, especially in WD! At the same time though, it is very much possible to be able to live with it and get it to go down in severity. Coping skills etc have helped me alot so im sure that youll get there too! Youre a strong person and you can get through this!

11 minutes ago, Some0n3 said:

Im so glad to read that all of those wonderful people have helped you and that youve been learning to live with your OCD. I also have OCD so its definitely not easy, especially in WD! At the same time though, it is very much possible to be able to live with it and get it to go down in severity. Coping skills etc have helped me alot so im sure that youll get there too! Youre a strong person and you can get through this!

Yay OCD crew! Lol

On 8/28/2026 at 6:34 PM, TonyLee said:

Quick update on my recent progress. Thanks to Luke, Chippy, Sarah and Michael. Your encouragement has helped me enormously. I also want to sincerely thank everyone else who has given me advice.

For over a week I have been learning to live with my OCD. “Learning to live with” feels like the right phrase, because these sensations feel both familiar and alien. I keep remembering what Chippy told me: our brains are far more resilient than we give them credit for. So every time obsessive urges hit, I try my best to sit with them. I even give in to the compulsive washing, carrying out the rituals without inner resistance. I believe it was Luke who said these symptoms are simply what our brain is compelling us to do.

A few days ago I developed diffuse akathisia. Lying or sitting still, I would get uncontrollable urges to wash my hands, take showers, or clean my phone and other objects. I adjusted my breathing and carried out those compulsive acts. Several times, halfway through the rituals, I suddenly sensed that the washing was actually unnecessary. My guess is the glutamate storm had subsided ahead of the compulsive‑behaviour loop.

Over these past two‑three days, OCD symptoms have eased slightly, with no depressive rebound. I can listen to music again, and it actually brings me pleasure. Some songs still make me cry, yet the tears stop once the track ends. I think my auditory threshold has gone up, while my emotional threshold has not caught up yet. This is already a good sign; I have reclaimed one of the things that once brought me joy.

This state somewhat resembles where I was at five months post‑withdrawal. I still dare not try alcohol. Loud‑volume music is tolerable, but singing into a microphone still triggers overwhelming tears and I cannot keep going.

I have read a great deal about opioid and benzodiazepine withdrawal. It feels as though I took six years of a modified ecstasy, one that never even produced a high. Like sertraline, it manipulates serotonin. Unlike typical substance withdrawal, I carry the extra major variable of pre‑existing primary OCD.

I am seeing clearer cyclical patterns in my symptoms at set times: depression comes first, followed by physical symptoms including headaches, dizziness and fatigue, and then OCD. People say recovery slows down after the twelve‑month mark — time will tell. I have accumulated so much experience and weathered so many ups and downs. If PWD is a ferocious beast, it is also a manifestation of our brain in this altered state. The best way to tame it is to endure each of its assaults. Fighting against it only leaves both sides wounded.

The night is long that never finds the day.

Nice update @TonyLee glad you are getting to grips with some coping skills, so important. :)

100% stay away from the alcohol won't you!

I now dread going to sleep. Previously my post‑wake depressive crashes from both morning sleep and naps had improved greatly, both in intensity and duration. Now I clearly notice every single time I fall asleep, it pushes my mood into a low, paired with headaches.

Yesterday my band measured my sleep‑time HRV with an average of 41 ms. From what I have read, under 40 ms means excessive stress during sleep, while 40‑60 ms is the normal range. So my reading was on the low side. Of course I understand one single reading is not reliable; we need a full week’s data for proper context. Still, I think it is at least an observable metric for tracking sleep improvement.

I wonder if other people in the community have monitored HRV as well. @Chippy , I know early‑hour awakenings late in the night are also a struggle for you. Have you tracked your HRV? If so what values are you seeing currently?Also, there are moments when I really crave alcohol, especially after external triggers push me into a low mood. Still, I know I must strictly avoid all alcohol and alcohol‑containing foods at least until PWD is fully over. Do you feel the same way?

Starting at month six off medication, I shifted my bedtime; I forced myself to go to bed by 11 or 12 PM instead of falling asleep naturally between 3‑5 AM. Falling asleep itself is rarely a major problem. Occasionally it may take over an hour, but most nights I can fall asleep within ten to twenty minutes. My greatest hardship remains frequent awakenings in the late night hours, accompanied by low mood and headaches.

@TonyLee I would strongly recommend avoiding alcohol for a considerable amount of time after you feel as though you are 100% better. There's no set amount, but I'd give it 6 months at least.

You have suffered immensely, I do not understand why anyone who has suffered through this would then risk reverting to that once they were free of it.

The frequent night time waking is unfortunately a pretty common withdrawal symptom, it still happens to me a lot.