I am currently holding and not tapering.

But ngl guys I know it’s not good to think it but I just am so symptomatic. Yes the symptoms come and go one or another comes but honestly like there’s just like 30+ symptoms and typically people only have a few.

Can’t lie it’s hard to be hopeful due to this. I’d rather just have a handful of symptoms and call it a day.

I know it’s not right to dwell on it but it gets dark like I really just don’t know this could take forever. I did a lot of damage to my brain unknowingly.

Just really hoping symptoms abate. When I was using a pill splitter I had many windows and the symptoms were gone for a while so I felt hopeful in my method until this past 2 weeks where everything got worse.

Yeah I just really do hope things settle I’ll update you guys soon.

18 minutes ago, StrugglingKid said:

but honestly like there’s just like 30+ symptoms and typically people only have a few.

There is no typical of universal withdrawal symptoms across people. Many people suffer from a myriad of symptoms and it would be not be possible to count each one of them, particularly when at times someone thinks what they are experiencing is sort of them but is in fact withdrawal.

It may come across flippant, your experience is unique to you but not altogether unique. We’ve all been, or are going through it.

It’s easy to think someone else has got it better than you, and yes, some might, some might not. That is subjective measure. There’s a term I use for this which is called disability envy.

Please take care.

Hey guys,

Would you recommend instead of the pharmacy lexapro liquid, for me to make my own liquid at home for accuracy? I heard liquid is the best for accuracy.

Or is it too risky? I just wanna maximize my chances of stabilizing but obviously not getting worse.

Thanks everyone for your patience and my rambles I really do appreciate the help ❤️

7 minutes ago, StrugglingKid said:

Hey guys,

Would you recommend instead of the pharmacy lexapro liquid, for me to make my own liquid at home for accuracy? I heard liquid is the best for accuracy.

Or is it too risky? I just wanna maximize my chances of stabilizing but obviously not getting worse.

Thanks everyone for your patience and my rambles I really do appreciate the help ❤️

Right now you need to stick to NO changes...same manufacturer, same pill. It is a slow crossover process to liquid of at least a month and some never do well on manufactured liquid. You need to be stable to do a crossover.

If you want to buy a more accurate scale, that is fine.

This is the scale I use:

A&D EJ-54D2 Dual Range - 22g x 0.0002g / 52g x 0.001g Compact Balance – Cambridge Environmental Products, Inc. https://share.google/JjddzmOv2KkQk9SfA

All scales need to warm up...turn on for at least 39 minutes before use.

Hey guys. I’m gonna use my page as a bit of a journal hope that’s okay.

If anyone wants to be buddies and talk when they’re down lmk I’m so down. PM me. I want people through this.

Just feeling really hopeless.

Super stiff neck today. Jelly legs. And Brian just doesn’t work. Can’t concentrate and just wanna lay in bed. All my symptoms have flared up my tongue twitching, eye twitching, the cortisol spikes are so bad. It’s scary to talk sometimes and feel that twitch. I feel permanently messed up.

I can’t rest because I’m on edge but the insomnia makes it worse. I’ll get 2 awakenings at night averaging like 2-3 hours sleep each time.

I used to read thich nhat hanh all the time. I used to read so many books on self help, being in the moment, health, habits, and whatnot. But none of it is helping.

I’m really trying to distract myself but when the restlessness stuff peaks it’s so hard. Lately it’s so hard to wanna do anything. But I’m gonna try.

I talked to my cousin who CT’d off 3 meds and recovered but she said that they had to try several meds on her for her to find a poly drug combo that matches. But apparently I’ve heard more meds aren’t good. But living like this sucks. She said I’m making myself sick my reading forums and researching and should just trust the doctor. But tbh these forums gave me hope. But yes I’m not using the most healthy coping mechanisms.

Sorry guys for being down. I really don’t even feel like going to India like this. I know my family there is supportive but if I continue deteriorating there’s not much anyone can do for me. I wish I lived in the US so I could attend TaperClinic and actually get a medical professional to help me out. It’s crazy expensive but anything atp I need anything to help. I have the funds saved from working but atp I’m just pretty hopeless. I’ll pay anything to recover atp.

Symptoms are getting bad. And I can’t just lie on the couch all day. Idk if anyone has it but my neck jsut feels so stiff to move sometimes. Ofc I have windows of slight relief but I can’t believe things got this bad just from a pill splitter. Had I weighed and measured I wouldn’t have been in this position and likely would have healed by now. I don’t understand this game God is playing.

I had some hope but once these ears sensitivity sound sensitivity and panic issues started I’m truly not sure how to get myself through this.

Seriously I truly just have been journaling but it’s hard. Nobody really understands expect for you guys. My family says there’s nothing wrong with you come help with chores keep yourself busy, but my neck is so stiff and my stiff fingers and stuff flare up if I overexert it seems.

My favourite thing is tos it outside. I feel so calm in nature so calm. But if anyone calls my name, yells, or opens the door I like get that panic feeling.

If I don’t stabilize from my current method I’m truly not sure what I can do. These have just been a few really dark days. I hope you guys see how desperate I am. I hope to god my scale method works. I really really hope. I just wanna get better even if enough to help out with chores again. In September I was doing actually pretty well, I dyed my brothers hair, went out a lot, did chores and had waves and windows. But I don’t get it if the pill splitter (since 5mg) was causing variations why didn’t I feel it before? Why did I have windows?

It sucks that I don’t know if I will stabilize or not because I don’t know how much precision my body needs. **** I’m so tired. I’ve been fighting since June and things have just gotten worse and worse. Every time I had hope I got let down, what is this torture?! And everyone just seems to look down on me atp. The sound sensitivity I didn’t tell my parents to not worry about them but it’s so debilitating. I’m tired of living on edge.

Acceptance is key and I get that. But it’s probably the hardest part. I just wanna be held, comforted, and treated. I don’t want people yelling, my parents crying, me rotting, I want care.

I literally trying signing up for taperclinic at least 10 times. I can go live with my Aunt in the US. as long as someone is actively watching me and tracking my recovery. Idc I’ll spend $60k but I can’t live like this tho. But I don’t even think I can join because I’m a Canadian citizen and am far too unwell to apply for a US visa atp. Sorry guys it’s just a rant ngl.

Why isn’t there anyone in canada or any program available like this?! To just help with this absolute torture.

On a good note, I have been trying to complete at least one thing daily as hard as it is. I have moments of calm in the evneing even though my physical symtpoms persist,

Edited Sunday at 08:18 PM1 day by StrugglingKid

34 minutes ago, StrugglingKid said:

literally trying signing up for taperclinic at least 10 times. I can go live with my Aunt in the US. as long as someone is actively watching me and tracking my recovery. Idc I’ll spend $60k but I can’t live like this tho. But I don’t even think I can join because I’m a Canadian citizen and am far too unwell to apply for a US visa atp. Sorry guys it’s just a rant ngl.

The taper clinic is nothing magical....they give the same advice as we do here. Most of us have learned what we know from Survivingantidepressants.org

The founder of that site has educated Mark Horowitz, the founder of the Taper Clinic and many others through her work.

The road is long and difficult bug not hopeless. Just give yourself time, be consistent with your dosing and let yourself heal.

@LostinCanada thank you for your patience and dealing with me.

I was just wondering about it because I thought maybe his methods would be more accurate?

The stiffness did go away. same with the jelly legs or they settled. It's all so weird...

23 minutes ago, StrugglingKid said:

his methods would be more accurate?

His methods are not more accurate. I am super sensitive. Compounding pharmacies are not careful enough imo, I was thrown into full WD from one of the best .... others have been as well. Weighing your pill with a scale like I mentioned earlier today is way more accurate that any compounding pharmacy. Also even once you make your own liquid, weighing first makes the liquid even more accurate. I am using a scale and am weighing/shaving to get my dose of 3.8 mg with no issues. Thousands have done so successfully with a scale similar to the Gem 20. This process works.

Edited Sunday at 09:37 PM1 day by LostinCanada

22 minutes ago, LostinCanada said:

Compounding pharmacies are not careful enough imo,

I noticed this. As my doctor suggested a compounding pharmacy but they said they could have a variation between doses of 5% so that’s 4.75-5.25mg and I just found that sketchy.

I was desperate before I made an account here and on my pharmacist’s suggestion we did go ahead and order the prescription (through pharmacy.ca) even thought the brand is different from the one I currently use. but due to the advice from @Chippy i also now believe it’s not a good idea to touch them, so I will not.

Also @LostinCanada how is your journey going? I haven’t been able to ask you. I hope your days will be filled with windows ❤️

Sadly @LostinCanada I won’t have time to order that scale in time for my trip.

Is that scale way better than the Gemini?

2 minutes ago, StrugglingKid said:

Is that scale way better than the Gemini?

It costs $800 and reads to an extra decimal 0.0002g so much better...as I said, I am super sensitive. If you really wanted it, you could phone them and get express delivery...they are fantastic for their service. But the scale you now have is workable and many have used it from start to finish.

7 minutes ago, StrugglingKid said:

how is your journey going? I haven’t been able to ask you. I hope your days will be filled with windows ❤️

Thanks for asking...it's been rough...4 years since a cold turkey and then a reinstatement. I am 66 years old and have been on this drug, paroxetine, for 25 years so it is not easy. You have youth and not being on lexapro for long..... don't make changes, don't add other drugs, be patient and you will get stable and be able to put this behind you. ❤️🙏

Not tryna be pessimistic but seems that my physical symptoms are escalating.

The worst new symptom is the sound sensitivity. My family screams a lot and its agonizing holy. Even slight loud noises are killing. It's not constant it seems to come and go I guess but it's like yay another symptom.

Mentally I'm calm sometimes which is nice. Just depends. The restlessness sucks though, I just feel so on edge I can't relax when it happens, I don't feel well when it happens. And mornings are notoriously hard. But here's to wishing for stability. I have a session w/Trudy slaught tmr so I'll update you guys on that.

Being outdoors is nice.

Doing things I like is nice.

Thanks for this community <3

4 hours ago, LostinCanada said:

Thanks for asking...it's been rough...4 years since a cold turkey

I'm very sorry it's been like this and hoping you've had some good days along the way

4 hours ago, LostinCanada said:

I am 66 years old and have been on this drug, paroxetine, for 25 years so it is not easy.

Please don't get discouraged, neuroplasticity happens at all ages, and I've heard we can accelerate it through healthy eating, sleeping (which is obviously hard right now), and exercise (if possible)

4 hours ago, LostinCanada said:

You have youth and not being on lexapro for long..... don't make changes, don't add other drugs, be patient

I appreciate hearing this, but I feel that 4 years starting from a young age of 18 is a very long time. That's when the brain is developing. As I tapered off I realized that the life I was striving towards wasn't a life I could do drug free.

4 hours ago, LostinCanada said:

you will get stable and be able to put this behind you.

Thank you I will not add other drugs. Before I joined this site I was genuinely desperate and was going to since my cousin and aunt told me to try everything the doctor wants to (cocktails) trial and error and see what works. But no I can't. Enough is enough. If one drug can do this to me I can't imagine what more can. I've already struggled so hard with tapering this one drug.

My biggest fear is my symptoms will get too much to handle and someone will hospitalize me or throw me in a psych ward, there I won't have a choice. I know I'm thinking too much but it's all so scary. It's nice when I feel calm but when I'm ruminating or going through anhedonia it's like someone is gonna throw me into more meds.

Edited yesterday at 03:11 AM1 day by StrugglingKid

14 hours ago, StrugglingKid said:

Hey guys,

Would you recommend instead of the pharmacy lexapro liquid, for me to make my own liquid at home for accuracy? I heard liquid is the best for accuracy.

Or is it too risky? I just wanna maximize my chances of stabilizing but obviously not getting worse.

Thanks everyone for your patience and my rambles I really do appreciate the help ❤️

@StrugglingKid I've been using compounded liquid from the beginning of my taper, mainly 2mg/ml. On occasions I've used the Lexapro brand which is 20mg/ml and I've diluted it myself. More recently I've dropped to 0.2mg/ml for added accuracy - it lets me calculate dosage to 3 decimal points. hope this helps

6 hours ago, StrugglingKid said:

I appreciate hearing this, but I feel that 4 years starting from a young age of 18 is a very long time. That's when the brain is developing. As I tapered off I realized that the life I was striving towards wasn't a life I could do drug free.

The suggestions and information that people are giving you is essentially aimed at trying to avoid you having years of suffering.

The short term hope/priority is that you stabilise in the near future. This would hopefully allow you to live a normal, decent life.

The aim then (after being stable for some time), would be to taper slowly and safely, with plenty of support to hopefully minimise the impact of it and continue to live a decent life, with tapering something that hopefully happens in the background.

You'll find that a lot of the staff of this forum, and indeed many of the members who also help others are pretty much trying to prevent what happened to them happening to others. Most of us, with the benefit of hindsight, can look back at our own stories and see times where having the knowledge that we're trying to impart to others would have saved us a lot of suffering.

None of it is guaranteed, everybody is different and the harms that these drugs can do can be unpredictable and complex. However, among many of those who have suffered severe harms for years, there are some common themes that caused or worsened them. As a result, we have a high level of confidence in the idea that avoiding them leads to significantly less likelihood of severe suffering for years.

Even in your own drug history, you are likely starting to look back and realise that periods of what you call turbulence, and various tapers have not been ideal and if you'd known about this in advance perhaps you'd be doing a lot better now.

All of the above is to essentially say, hopefully you will not suffer for many years, and hopefully if you can stop the cycle of further destabilising yourself things will get a lot more tolerable. I hope that this is soon.

7 hours ago, Luke said:

Even in your own drug history, you are likely starting to look back and realise that periods of what you call turbulence, and various tapers have not been ideal and if you'd known about this in advance perhaps you'd be doing a lot better now.

My biggest regret daily. All I do is regret my past decisions. Even though it doesn’t help.

I really do hope that my gem scale stabilizes me. My poor brain and body is really suffering. And truly, this isn’t living. It feels like hell. Sometimes it feels like I’ll never get out of it. Over the past 2 weeks it seems I’m just getting worse and worse.

But I really do hope things lighten up. This sound sensitivity thing is sheer hell. I’m tired. But I slept well last night meaning I actually slept, aside from waking up in panic once.

I can’t believe just one drug could do such a thing. It’s so hard to stay hopeful. Sometimes it feels dying would be better than living through this hell.

I truly wish I knew better. I can’t have things getting worse. I had so much to live for and so much going on I can’t believe I lost all of it. My family is my everything without them I wouldn’t be here.

I am just desperate. Everyone says time heals, but truth is I don’t know how sensitive my brain even is right now, I might grab that $800 scale atp. Anything to stop this cycle.

I would rather go through injuries than this, because at least people can see them and be empathetic.

I can’t believe that life took this turn. I believed in god so much, but there’s no way god could let this happen to me. I’m sorry that I’m being a downer. I just really hope things lighten up.

But I’m gonna try and live a somewhat normal day today. And not reminisce. It’s obviously hard not to. But alas.

27 minutes ago, StrugglingKid said:

believed in god so much, but there’s no way god could let this happen to me.

Don't blame God for things he is not responsible for. He has given us the gift of free will, we have to choose wisely. He has also given us truth in his word and the reasons suffering exists. (1 John 5:19) The blame is greed, Big Pharma, doctors...

It is truthfully only by God that I have the strength to keep going.

Does anyone have any success stories of anyone dealing with this many symptoms like I am?

I just can’t find any like this.

Scores of them in here

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/forum/28-success-stories-recovery-from-psychiatric-drug-withdrawal/

Guys it seems that I’m losing my ability to think.

I guess maybe that’s brain fog?

I just feel like completely out of it, it’s different from DP/DR.

Like I have to find the words or can’t remember stuff.

You're in a storm right now dude. It's overwhelming, its scary, and very new. Everyone's storm is different, and its a hellish answer but the truth is it takes time. It took me a good while to even have a window, but it did get better, and now the waves are even rarer. I dont say this to minimize your experience. But it will get better with time. The best thing you can do is literally take it as easy as you can, and view all your symptoms as an outward experience. Kind of like taking a mental step back and picturing yourself outside of all these symptoms, while it remains a chaotic little box that doesn't define you. It's just a nervous system out of whack. This gave me a good semblance of control over my symptoms to recognize it. Like, "okay, I know what this is. Been through it many times. Im just going to ride it out till it passes - like it always does. " Recognize it for what it is, that good perspective, and take it easy. It's okay to feel terrible. You wouldn't expect someone who just broke their leg to do a marathon. This is similar. It's going to be unpleasant and scary, but you will recover. God knows that if im able to comment on others posts instead of freaking out on mine, that's a pretty good promise that healing is possible. ❤️

On 10/24/2026 at 12:45 AM, StrugglingKid said:

/ and I was in such a bad state I just wanted to trust the doctors. I messed up yet again. These past few months have jus

1 hour ago, LunaLove96 said:

You're in a storm right now dude.

Seems like it LOL. The restlessness or inner akathesia is the most TORMENTING most relentless thing I've ever felt. It comes and goes but when it happens I just can't rest.

1 hour ago, LunaLove96 said:

It took me a good while to even have a window, but it did get better

How long did it take you?

1 hour ago, LunaLove96 said:

he best thing you can do is literally take it as easy as you can, and view all your symptoms as an outward experience. Kind of like taking a mental step back and picturing yourself outside of all these symptoms, while it remains a chaotic little box that doesn't define you. It's just a nervous system out of whack.

Thank you so much for this. Seeing it like this is incredible actually. Our brains are just a bit hurt right now, and as you said time should heal things. I really appreciate this perspective.

1 hour ago, LunaLove96 said:

God knows that if im able to comment on others posts instead of freaking out on mine, that's a pretty good promise that healing is possible.

I am so happy for your healing and your windows.

Me doing my journaling.

Since I've been so pessimistic, I decided I want to document my good times too.

Just wanted to chime in and say I'm feeling good right now. Not 100%, but not down and in complete SI, which is obviously as everyone knows such a low. Those are dark. And it truly feels like it'll never end. But hey I guess it does. I'm writing this to remind myself that things do get better.

I swear that down thinking is a neuro-emotion. It's so compelling and feels SO real sometimes I think it's me...

But there's times when I'm good and look forward to the future too. So if anyone's reading my down posts (please don't if you're sensitive) just know that I visit this website during my absolute lows.

It’s really hard to pace myself during windows. I feel like doing everything before I fall into the depths of despair. So much needs to be done

I haven't felt this good in weeks wow. A lot of the physcial symptoms are gone actually...

Edited 2 hours ago2 hr by StrugglingKid