mstimc60: Back from the Darkness and Living My LIfe

Here’s my story of the highs and lows, curses and blessings I’ve experienced since I started Paxil in 1999. You can find my recovery thread at SA here: https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/21966-mstimc-hello-from-an-sri-vet/#comment-461710

I was born in Southern California in 1960 and lived there all my life.  Looking back, I suffered from anxiety since my 20’s, but it was mostly episodic and triggered by major negative experiences.  In 1999, my anxiety became constant due to work and family issues.  I went to see my GP, who prescribed a daily dose of Paxil.  At first, it helped me deal with daily life, but like many others, I gained weight and found myself unmotivated to exercise.  I soon realized it just masked the symptoms and dulled my feelings. I didn’t see a therapist nor seek any non-medication-based help.  I continued to have anxious episodes but managed to handle them.

In 2006, my father died, and I had to make the decision to take him off life support.  It wasn’t a clear-cut decision and caused me a lot of anguish.  I began a descent into constant anxiety exacerbated by feelings of impending doom, both in my personal health and my professional life. Every ache or pain became a sign of a deadly disease, and every mistake I made at work would get me fired.  I began seeing a psychologist to help, but didn’t have much success until 2008, when I found one who could help me with my feelings of guilt over my father’s death, and used EMDR and CBT to help me identify the root of my anxiety and use behavioral tools to manage it.  It was then I began to develop my approach to anxiety as a chronic, though manageable, condition.

In 2006, I tried to quit Paxil since it didn’t help my anxiety.  My doctor told me to taper, but didn’t offer many details, and I tried tapering much too quickly.  In late 2006, I discovered the Paxilprogress.org website and got great advice and support on tapering.  I began a very gradual taper in 2007, and was Paxil-free by 2009.  It wasn’t easy and I had many setbacks, but paxilprogress’ members and my psychologist gave me a ton of support.  My wife, a woman of great faith, reminded me I was meant for better things than to be lost to anxiety and depression--God had work for me to do. 

I continued seeing my therapist every other week up till September 2019, when my wife and I moved to Portugal to explore Europe for a few years.  Our sone has moved away to graduate school, so the time was right for us to make a move.  We moved back to the States (Southern California) in late 2021 because COVID put the breaks on our travel plans and we reassessed our priorities, realizing family and friends meant more to us than we thought. 

Anxiety is still part of my life but it doesn’t control me or the decisions I make.  I still take a low dose of Klonopin when things get too much, (I hate flying), but no more than a few per year.  I use CBT and “reality checking” to keep my catastrophic thoughts in check.  In 2019 I joined Surviving Antidepressants.org to help others recover but that site will be closing in a few months.

Looking back, even at its worst, my life with anxiety was good.  I was able to function, and participate in our son’s life, even if I had to force myself sometimes.  My advice to those just starting the journey:

Don’t be too hard on yourself.  Even with a slow taper, there were times I had to use a higher dose sometimes, until I was ready to take the next step. It’s not a race; do what works for you.

Find a therapist or at least someone who can offer you support and keep you rooted in reality.  Medication alone will never be the answer.  Whether its CBT to other tools, find the behavioral practices that work for you.

Accept the fact that anxiety is part of who you are.  Whatever the cause, anxiety will be with me until the day I die.  I’ve learned to manage it, and most days its just a dim feeling far in the back of my mind.  What I now understand is that it only has the power I give it.  It no longer controls my actions or decisions, and therapy has helped me separate irrational anxious thoughts from genuine concerns and problems.

The short story is, like any other chronic condition, it takes the right tools, the right people, and determination to manage anxiety and reduce it to an inconvenience instead of a monster in my own mind.

Hi mstimc60

Thanks for posting your inspiring recovery story! 

Stories like this help people so much, it Is great to be able to put yours here!

Chippy

If you like, please feel free to summarise what your recovery trajectory was like.

It is very valuable to members when those recovered post success stories- thank you so much for doing this.

On 12/29/2025 at 1:48 AM, Luke said:

If you like, please feel free to summarise what your recovery trajectory was like.

 

It is very valuable to members when those recovered post success stories- thank you so much for doing this.

Sorry--I just saw this!

Other than what I described in my intro post, I think the most important thing about my trajectory is that it was not a nice smooth straight line. Recovery isn't linear--it has its ups and downs, even as we get closer to full recovery. I think we need to accept certain situations may trigger us well into the recovery process. The key is to accept that the thoughts, feelings, and fears will come, but to deny them the power to control our decision-making or limit our lives.

The other thing is not to expect to wake up one morning and tell yourself "I'm recovered"! It didn't work that way for me. Instead, it was a slow realization I was no longer reacting anxiously or obsessively to triggering events. I can't say I was recovered on a specific date, but it did come, and I was able to accept recovery as a gradual process.

Also, FYI regarding windows, my first one came when our son was playing in his junior high school jazz band. Just seeing the pure joy on his face made me forget about all the dark thoughts and symptoms. The window lasted no more than a half hour, but from then on I knew I could recover if all I had to do was accept each moment as it came and stopped dreading the future.

Hiya mstic60. So glad you continue on the success story road. I'm just noticing there are 2 topics here in SS for you.

Here's the other one: https://antidepressantrecovery.org/topic/362-mstimc60-recovery-from-paxil-anxiety-and-ocd/

I don't know if you had noticed that or not. Chippy or someone can probably merge the 2 together........might leave it just a little disjointed as I'm not sure the dates will fall into place.

Anyhoo, couldn't help noticing and wondering......:-) An old habit from moderating days, like a tic of sorts. 🙂

Love, peace, healing and growth,

manymoretodays

Oh, btw, I have one in success stories and another in personal topics too. I don't really know why at this point, but it felt like a good idea awhile back as some seem to get dismayed, if we post about any struggles in Success Stories. Idk, I don't look at any of it any more as anything different from normal life challenges with a twist. That twist being my 30 years of medications and diagnoses and then the journey off. Almost 10 years come December.......wahoo. Life is good.

Best.

Edited May 30May 30 by manymoretodays

1 hour ago, manymoretodays said:

Hiya mstic60. So glad you continue on the success story road. I'm just noticing there are 2 topics here in SS for you.

Here's the other one: https://antidepressantrecovery.org/topic/362-mstimc60-recovery-from-paxil-anxiety-and-ocd/

I don't know if you had noticed that or not. Chippy or someone can probably merge the 2 together........might leave it just a little disjointed as I'm not sure the dates will fall into place.

Anyhoo, couldn't help noticing and wondering......:-) An old habit from moderating days, like a tic of sorts. 🙂

Love, peace, healing and growth,

manymoretodays

Oh, btw, I have one in success stories and another in personal topics too. I don't really know why at this point, but it felt like a good idea awhile back as some seem to get dismayed, if we post about any struggles in Success Stories. Idk, I don't look at any of it any more as anything different from normal life challenges with a twist. That twist being my 30 years of medications and diagnoses and then the journey off. Almost 10 years come December.......wahoo. Life is good.

Best.

Thanks for the catch, @manymoretodays . When I registered here, I think I got carried away with the initial posts! 😄 Nice to see you here!