💜

My Introduction topic is here:  manymoretodays: off many years of many medications

 

Simply honored to be writing this. And kind of have tears in my eyes, as I begin.......the good kind. The oh wow kind, the unbelievable understanding of my most excellent, and wonderful good fortune for all that has come my way in some 30 years, and well, even before that. A little bit of the oh wow, I wonder if......or what my life might have been......tears too though.

 

I am now 5 years and 10 months off my last psychoactive prescribed drug!!!!  Last drug off was Trileptal/oxcarbazepine.  Used as a "mood stabilizer".  It's actually a drug developed for seizures I believe.  I never had seizures.  Lucky me on that.

 

I started my “psychiatric career”, somewhere around 1988 or thereabouts. At the tender age of around 30 years, I believe. At that time, I was thriving, by all outward appearances. A newlywed, and we had recently bought our first home, and I was in graduate school and working in my chosen career.

 

I think I was, well I was just me really, and was struggling a bit, sometimes really down.....yet, I could always pull myself up to get to work most days. A lot of strange changes around menses. I would suddenly pop on out of a low down, somewhat perceptually changed funk, when periods came along.

 

And well, hearing all the hype about the new “cure” in the form of Prozac, as well as being privy to what was in medical circles at the time, I wandered on in to a doctor, an Internal Medicine doctor, no less, as I had heard they were really good and I hadn't really had any need for doctors, up to that point, in my young adulthood. I had however, prior to leaving my home state, in the U.S., had a pretty good case of mononucleosis, the second half of my senior year in high school.......I had completed all the work, and was working away to earn some money for college, when that hit.  Recovered.  Continued on.  To college and beyond.

 

I didn't mention my doctor visit to many, or if any.......I'd be surprised. It still all felt so very hush, hush to have any problem with adapting to life. And sheesh, now I was about to be branded with my first, of many labels of “diagnonsense”. And thank you, who ever used that term first. So......henceforth, some kind of mental defective.

 

First trial of an AD(antidepressant), I think was of the Tricyclic class. Oh my gosh, dry parched mouth to the extreme, and totally anxious fearful was the result of that. And on to the Prozac, I believe next. Well, not too long into that experiment, I began to have some flickering flashes of suicidal ideation. So, that was all swell and seemed to prove that I was even more mentally defective and got me a referral to a psychiatrist. Possibly, a few more drug trials with me. Then I lost my job. I mean they were nice about it and all, and I honestly have to take some responsibility for my part in that job loss. I got to stay employed at the same place and all too. And well, I took that all pretty hard, to say the least.....turned inward a lot.

 

So...... then on to my first horsespittalization(hospitalization). Highly recommended by my then therapist. And even switched psychiatrists.......to her hubs. Geeze, the one I had prior was good too. I felt like a amoeba under a microscope with the new one. I cooperated though, on all levels. I mean I was really “mentally ill” right?

Last I heard, that shrink was trying for more fame and fortune, doing some pretty invasive brain stuff. We hung out though, for a good while......in that doctor/patient way. Me being scrutinized, and he knowing all.

 

Horsespittal back then. Like a country club really.......back in those days. And I had good insurance. The place wasn't so crowded as most psychiatric wards and hospitals are now. We did all kinds of therapeutic things. And I think a got another diagnonsense there. I found it in my chart, which they did let me look at. My shrink, didn't disclose that one to me though, the diagnosis. Kind of weird, eh? Left that place, after a couple of weeks, on an MAOI AD. Oldschool stuff. Lot's of interactions, with food stuff, and other medications and what???!!!! Why???!!!! Stayed on it for far too long, if you ask me. I was at first a bit super charged on that drug(my problems were magically over and I had a lot of energy) and then........ pretty docile on that drug, gained a fair amount of weight, and then managed to bring it down again. Kept on going with most things, doing all that was expected of me and all. Did a lot of therapy...... Just kept getting my prescription filled and taking my doses.

 

I think it was the brand Parnate, seems like I was on another MAOI too at some point......maybe Nardi.  I did, however,  a few years into it.......have the dreaded tyramine reaction.  Treated with nifedipine, under the tongue......2 doses.  I think I could have stroked out, glad I did not.  Horrible occipital headache that had me crawling on the floor and I managed to get to the phone, call my shrink, who had me take my pulse(rapid it was) and remind me to take the nifedipine he had prescribed for "just in case".  Sun/son was a baby and napping after lunch.  I had both aged cheese and sausage at lunch.......I never was great, nor was it reinforced for me(the dietary and drink restrictions), with the dietary restrictions.  I guess they thought since I was in graduate school, and in the medical profession that I would be good?  I mean I don't know.  Anyway......I thought I was a goner with that reaction though.  I could not even stand up the pain in my head was so bad.  Nifedipine helped......probably dropped my BP(blood pressure) a lot.  My pulse went back to normal.  I called my then husband home from work, and crawled into bed.   Next day off to work maybe?  I don't remember, likely or maybe it was a day off.  I had gone to PT work with my then baby dear Sun/son, my MAOI baby.  He's doing good, well, at age 30 now.  Both of us have some just "on the edge of" idiosyncrasies I think.  I don't really know any more what my "before" was truly like.  And he is okay, for all purposes.  My favorite person ever.

 

Fast forward here to 1999, now that was a big year.  I was still on the Parnate.  Not doing horrid, but into that weird drug induced change of persona or something.  A little dulled mentally.  I still could get pretty down and out, and didn't really have a clue what to do......but fake it?  By now we had moved, and I had a shrink closer to home.  AND once again, a job loss......good enough......I wasn't bringing in a whole lot financially to the now merged practice I was part of......so a lay off really.  I took it hard though.  But decided to get off my MAOI at that point.  I knew this wasn't right somehow.  Taken off that over 2 weeks, and started on a little dose of Zoloft then, after 2 weeks. 

 

Oh my heck ahello.  WD(withdrawal) set in.  Only I didn't know that, and if my doctor did, they were not telling me.  Urgha.  And on and on I went......for awhile.  More drugs, multiple drugs at once and of course diagnoses to match up with the drugging.

 

The second shrink, well......at one point as I was walking out the door he says, "Hey, I'm almost certain you've had some childhood trauma".  No further exploration with me.  Nothing.  Wow.  O....kay.  I kept that to myself even.  For already I was branded and labeled and.........you know the drill.  Felt like a nothing nobody in that system of care.  Anyway.....I've since pinpointed the trauma(s).  Won't go into that here.  Mostly thriving now.  Do work on things, with the pros every now and then.  And with myself.

 

So, next up........ I latched on to being bipolar.  Read everything I could.  Checked the DSM bible.  Version III, or maybe IV......I don't know.   And it did not add up.  Because.....at that time, it was still in there.......these ups and downs, and that if they could have been caused by drugs/medications that the diagnosis should be questioned.  I also drank and smoked and had dabbled with "recreational" psychoactives from the time I was a teen.  Happy to report -clean and sober for over 6 years now.  And....an ex smoker of tobacco now, again.  I'll make it though.   It does strike me now how extremely fortunate I am, given it all, to still be alive and most days grateful for it all as well.  I can't live on consistent persistent anger.  I do struggle to feel anger and it sometimes comes out wrong.  Not dangerously so.  It wasn't allowed for me, as a kid, to learn healthy expression of anger.  I was the youngest child, and very much the observer, of all things good and bad.

 

When I got here I was 6 months or so off Lexapro AND remedicated with 2 drugs, and had a lengthy decades long history of medications/drugs.   So May of 2015.  Was I 58 years old?  I think so.  And had a passing knowledge now of WD and tapering.  An Icarus guide.  Was reading Beyond Meds.  Was also a certified peer in my state and was getting into the peers helping peers movement.  Met some like me too.  Much help.  Much appreciation for those friends.  Some here still, some gone now.  I had tried some naturopath things while on drugs and also to come off them.  Drugs being prescribed medications.  That wasn't great and cost a fortune.

 

Okay, so I'm here now.  Learning more.  And then even in my early acute WD state, was able to come to the conclusion that reinstatement would probably not be for me.  I based it on the time since off Lexapro, and the other drugs I was on, and somehow reached the right decision for me.

 

Oh, of course it would have been nice if the knowledge was there, at the hospital I went to, to give me a mini-dose of Lexapro.....after my too quick tapering.  But it was not.  I even had my liquid Lexapro with me at that time.  Acute WD for me was......well indescribable....yet, I'll try to sum things up a bit.

 

Total psych hospitalizations for me over what I call my psychiatric career were 5.  All were voluntary.  After a drug change of some type.  Off one, on another or what have you?  Some likely adverse effects from my prescribed drugs.

 

Drug history:

Started with psycho meds circa 1988 I think 27 or 28 total.

AD's, antipsychotics, antiseizure mood stabilizers. Lithium, lamictal ,benzos, and stimulants. Some med. for narcolepsy once(Provigil,) Gabapentin........probably more.  Ask me?......I probably was on it.  Haphazard W/D's by Dr. recommend or uneducated self.

10/2014- off Lexapro--had been on highest dose 20 mg., then 10 mg, then 5 mg. for a couple of years, went from 5 mg. to 3 mg. liquid and then CT in hospital(voluntary).  I got out of the hospital on a combination of low dose adderal salts x1/day and trileptal 150mg. x2/day.

5/28/2015-off Adderal salts 2.5mg. (I had been on that since hospital 10/2014)

12/2015---just holding, holding, holding, with trileptal/oxcarb at 75 mg. 1/2 tab at hs.  My last psycho med ever!

12/16/2016- tapered down with the oxcarbazepine, split the dose into 2, 12 hours apart, tapered at 2 week intervals near the end, and then jumped at 24 mg total dosage to 0.  

 

Withdrawal symptom history:  

And I will go to page 2 of this for that.

 

I am not a sailor, pre Sun/son I did Windsurf though.  Still have my sails and board in the garage too.  Soon to get donated or something.  I hope.

 

And okay.  My WD(withdrawal) symptoms.

I think I had most all symptoms possible.  Some when I did not even know of WD.

 

akathisia thankfully, if it was that.......was brief......the pacing, the utter inability to be still of mind or body.

A ton of the mental symptoms- cog fog, confusion, busy wizzy thoughts, thought disorganization, utter despair, fearful-ness, paranoia, disoriented, so many symptoms.......how I made it?.......sheer grace I think.  And a lot of faith.  Perserverence.

physical symptoms- dizzy, balance was off, ummm......poor appetite, hemorrhoids(was that a WD symptoms or a med side effect? Idk), dehydration maybe as I would have to remind myself to eat sometimes.....my hunger signals were off kilter,  brain wooshes- I never really had zaps......they were whooshes.....like I could feel my brain settling or moving in my skull.  That was odd.  Later in time- pretty severe headaches, they often went in tandem with stuff that did not used be stressful- but became very stressful.

Body aches and pains-check.

Blurry vision, loss of visual acuity-check

My glasses now are good, and I'm doing well with them.....so, thankful for that.

Some could be aging and or early arthritic changes too with the aches.  And some WD for sure.

Mouth dryness, dental problems- some of that was WD.  Some was other too.

Depersonalization/derealization-check

 

Somewhere around 3 or 4 years off, I didn't refer as much to WD anymore and just started to go with iatrogenic changes, ?harms, done knowing or unknowingly, but yes, most definitely had the protracted withdrawal syndome picture.....or it fit.

 

Most symptoms gone most days.  Some days still though I do have to apply my skills, my non-drug coping skills to get through.  And......when I stay disciplined to use some of my practices......I tend to do better, stay well enough.

I still struggle with fears/anxiety from time to time of varying degrees.

I am just now learning how to "adult" and be a real "grown-up".  I mean I did okay at it, but often have had to pull back, and take a day or a week, or quit a job, or something.  Embarassing but true.  And I am the older generation now, parents gone.  This is it.  Life, I'm an adult.  And I need to be a good, better example in all I do and say.  It's good work.  Trust me.

 

What helped the most.  Physical, not mental stuff.......physical- movement, music, swimming, walking, getting outside. Yoga, Qi gong.  Therapy did help-and does still.  Talking.  Self help.  Empowerement.  Learning.  Support-which I could find even when they did not know exactly what I had.  I couldn't always explain WD and still can't always explain it briefly.  So I learned.  People.  My tribe(s)....multiple tribes.  We're all one.

Having enough money to live.  That helped too.  I'm still on SSD, or social security disability.  I have enough for all my needs really.  Or I hope so.  I hoarded money for a long while out of fear. Of course I hope to employ again, just PT, for pay.....someday.  It's good for esteem and balance both I think.

 

What have I learned?  Well, I can go beyond survival and thrive now.  And life is good.  A whole new appreciation for life and respect.  I am far from being truly wise yet.......so don't ask me?  Or don't ask me too much or ask too much of me.  I'm a full time job.  Well I  have had to relearn how to care for my home and grounds again.  Many things that  I  have had to relearn.  How to relax.  Step out of myself and ego. Hoping, as always for some PT, non-career work up the road.  Maybe paid peer work, or fluff work, fun work, or something in the arts- doing support or something.

 

So.  That's it.  Gracious thanks to so many here and elsewhere.  I honestly love my life as I finish writing this, and each and every one of my fellow humans, animals, plants, and well.  I knew this wouldn't be so hard to write.......just emotional.

 

Here's to today.  And manymore tomorrows too!

 

Hi @manymoretodays

 

Ive created a fresh topic here for your success story to keep it neat and tidy,

 

Members can comment on your recovery here specifically. Ive moved your original post into the introductions section. I thought it would be nice for you to have a spot to chat to everyone over there. 🙂

 

Chippy 

Okay @Chippy  You must have added my signature too.  Did you get both parts of my SS?  I can't stay tonight, but can check that out myself when I get back.  Thanks for getting my signature in place.  Can we go to Profile to do any edits to it?

 

I'll have to plan to spend some time learning to navigate here and find my other topic too.  LOL.  But good.  I really don't feel special for completing a taper, and never having gone back to psych meds.  so glad to be in with everybody.

 

Watching football today/tonight and getting all prepped for the ............colonoscopy this evening.

 

L, P,H, and G,

mmt

Hey MMT 

 

Yes I migrated your SA signature over for you. Click here to edit it Signature

 

haha yes have fun with that! I’m sure you’ll find it!

 

It’s a massive success to recover from a psych med injury your an inspiration to many also for your mod work at sa.

 

Thank you!

 

Anything you need just say. 
 

Chippy

 

On 1/26/2026 at 1:27 AM, manymoretodays said:

Did you get both parts of my SS?

I’ve just added the second bit think that’s right? Let me know if it’s not and I’ll sort it. 

Thank you for posting your story here. It touches my heart. You have been through a lot! And here you are appreciating life…. thank you for your encouragement!

May you have many many more really beautiful days ❤️

Nemina

You too @Nemina  Best wishes for a wonderful life.  Good on you, back to tapering escitalopram.  I'll see if I can find your thread.  That was one of my last drugs too.

Everything looks good @Chippy  Thanks for all you are doing here.  I can take out my don't @ me in my signature.  And link my Introduction thread to this one too.  Be back soon.  ❤️

 

Here's my other thread here, I wanted to be in the Introductions Section too, with everybody else.

 

manymoretodays: Introduction

 

And.  I can only do so many links in my signature.  This site is very similar to survivingantidepressants.org to navigate.  Yay!

 

I'll check both topics when I come on.  So don't worry where to post to me.  I'll catch it.  Eventually.  I may have more down time coming up soon, after hip replacement so may be hanging out online a bit more.

 

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

manymoretodays(mmt)

Edited March 5Mar 5 by manymoretodays

10 hours ago, manymoretodays said:

I may have more down time coming up soon, after hip replacement so may be hanging out online a bit more.

I had hip replacement 3 months ago.  It was my second one in 5 years. They were 2 very different experiences, perhaps because I'm 5 years older now.  If you are given exercises to do before surgery, do your best to build up your strength.  Alternatively, you may have physical  therapy after surgery.  Either way, I wish you a very successful surgery and quick recovery!

 

Terry (former SA member)

Hi @Terry

 

thank you for your comment. When you are able to, please write an introduction post so we can welcome you here properly.

Here.  Hi @Terry  I did it and am now 8 days post left hip replacement.  So far, so good.  Off the pain meds so went driving yesterday with my son and passed muster.  Still of course using my walker, as I was directed to.  So much better.  The nausea on day 2 was the worst.  Ugh.  But yes indeed it passed.  I can't really walk completely normal yet, as expected but swelling is down.  Colorful bruise.  And so thankful.  Doing alright.

 

So here's that link to my Introduction topic on this site:  manymoretodays: Introduction

 

Hope all are well enough, healing, recovering,

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

manymoretodays(mmt)

Glad you're feeling good so far, mmt! 👍

On 1/24/2026 at 8:08 AM, manymoretodays said:

💜

My Introduction topic is here:  manymoretodays: off many years of many medications

 

Simply honored to be writing this. And kind of have tears in my eyes, as I begin.......the good kind. The oh wow kind, the unbelievable understanding of my most excellent, and wonderful good fortune for all that has come my way in some 30 years, and well, even before that. A little bit of the oh wow, I wonder if......or what my life might have been......tears too though.

 

I am now 5 years and 10 months off my last psychoactive prescribed drug!!!!  Last drug off was Trileptal/oxcarbazepine.  Used as a "mood stabilizer".  It's actually a drug developed for seizures I believe.  I never had seizures.  Lucky me on that.

 

I started my “psychiatric career”, somewhere around 1988 or thereabouts. At the tender age of around 30 years, I believe. At that time, I was thriving, by all outward appearances. A newlywed, and we had recently bought our first home, and I was in graduate school and working in my chosen career.

 

I think I was, well I was just me really, and was struggling a bit, sometimes really down.....yet, I could always pull myself up to get to work most days. A lot of strange changes around menses. I would suddenly pop on out of a low down, somewhat perceptually changed funk, when periods came along.

 

And well, hearing all the hype about the new “cure” in the form of Prozac, as well as being privy to what was in medical circles at the time, I wandered on in to a doctor, an Internal Medicine doctor, no less, as I had heard they were really good and I hadn't really had any need for doctors, up to that point, in my young adulthood. I had however, prior to leaving my home state, in the U.S., had a pretty good case of mononucleosis, the second half of my senior year in high school.......I had completed all the work, and was working away to earn some money for college, when that hit.  Recovered.  Continued on.  To college and beyond.

 

I didn't mention my doctor visit to many, or if any.......I'd be surprised. It still all felt so very hush, hush to have any problem with adapting to life. And sheesh, now I was about to be branded with my first, of many labels of “diagnonsense”. And thank you, who ever used that term first. So......henceforth, some kind of mental defective.

 

First trial of an AD(antidepressant), I think was of the Tricyclic class. Oh my gosh, dry parched mouth to the extreme, and totally anxious fearful was the result of that. And on to the Prozac, I believe next. Well, not too long into that experiment, I began to have some flickering flashes of suicidal ideation. So, that was all swell and seemed to prove that I was even more mentally defective and got me a referral to a psychiatrist. Possibly, a few more drug trials with me. Then I lost my job. I mean they were nice about it and all, and I honestly have to take some responsibility for my part in that job loss. I got to stay employed at the same place and all too. And well, I took that all pretty hard, to say the least.....turned inward a lot.

 

So...... then on to my first horsespittalization(hospitalization). Highly recommended by my then therapist. And even switched psychiatrists.......to her hubs. Geeze, the one I had prior was good too. I felt like a amoeba under a microscope with the new one. I cooperated though, on all levels. I mean I was really “mentally ill” right?

Last I heard, that shrink was trying for more fame and fortune, doing some pretty invasive brain stuff. We hung out though, for a good while......in that doctor/patient way. Me being scrutinized, and he knowing all.

 

Horsespittal back then. Like a country club really.......back in those days. And I had good insurance. The place wasn't so crowded as most psychiatric wards and hospitals are now. We did all kinds of therapeutic things. And I think a got another diagnonsense there. I found it in my chart, which they did let me look at. My shrink, didn't disclose that one to me though, the diagnosis. Kind of weird, eh? Left that place, after a couple of weeks, on an MAOI AD. Oldschool stuff. Lot's of interactions, with food stuff, and other medications and what???!!!! Why???!!!! Stayed on it for far too long, if you ask me. I was at first a bit super charged on that drug(my problems were magically over and I had a lot of energy) and then........ pretty docile on that drug, gained a fair amount of weight, and then managed to bring it down again. Kept on going with most things, doing all that was expected of me and all. Did a lot of therapy...... Just kept getting my prescription filled and taking my doses.

 

I think it was the brand Parnate, seems like I was on another MAOI too at some point......maybe Nardi.  I did, however,  a few years into it.......have the dreaded tyramine reaction.  Treated with nifedipine, under the tongue......2 doses.  I think I could have stroked out, glad I did not.  Horrible occipital headache that had me crawling on the floor and I managed to get to the phone, call my shrink, who had me take my pulse(rapid it was) and remind me to take the nifedipine he had prescribed for "just in case".  Sun/son was a baby and napping after lunch.  I had both aged cheese and sausage at lunch.......I never was great, nor was it reinforced for me(the dietary and drink restrictions), with the dietary restrictions.  I guess they thought since I was in graduate school, and in the medical profession that I would be good?  I mean I don't know.  Anyway......I thought I was a goner with that reaction though.  I could not even stand up the pain in my head was so bad.  Nifedipine helped......probably dropped my BP(blood pressure) a lot.  My pulse went back to normal.  I called my then husband home from work, and crawled into bed.   Next day off to work maybe?  I don't remember, likely or maybe it was a day off.  I had gone to PT work with my then baby dear Sun/son, my MAOI baby.  He's doing good, well, at age 30 now.  Both of us have some just "on the edge of" idiosyncrasies I think.  I don't really know any more what my "before" was truly like.  And he is okay, for all purposes.  My favorite person ever.

 

Fast forward here to 1999, now that was a big year.  I was still on the Parnate.  Not doing horrid, but into that weird drug induced change of persona or something.  A little dulled mentally.  I still could get pretty down and out, and didn't really have a clue what to do......but fake it?  By now we had moved, and I had a shrink closer to home.  AND once again, a job loss......good enough......I wasn't bringing in a whole lot financially to the now merged practice I was part of......so a lay off really.  I took it hard though.  But decided to get off my MAOI at that point.  I knew this wasn't right somehow.  Taken off that over 2 weeks, and started on a little dose of Zoloft then, after 2 weeks. 

 

Oh my heck ahello.  WD(withdrawal) set in.  Only I didn't know that, and if my doctor did, they were not telling me.  Urgha.  And on and on I went......for awhile.  More drugs, multiple drugs at once and of course diagnoses to match up with the drugging.

 

The second shrink, well......at one point as I was walking out the door he says, "Hey, I'm almost certain you've had some childhood trauma".  No further exploration with me.  Nothing.  Wow.  O....kay.  I kept that to myself even.  For already I was branded and labeled and.........you know the drill.  Felt like a nothing nobody in that system of care.  Anyway.....I've since pinpointed the trauma(s).  Won't go into that here.  Mostly thriving now.  Do work on things, with the pros every now and then.  And with myself.

 

So, next up........ I latched on to being bipolar.  Read everything I could.  Checked the DSM bible.  Version III, or maybe IV......I don't know.   And it did not add up.  Because.....at that time, it was still in there.......these ups and downs, and that if they could have been caused by drugs/medications that the diagnosis should be questioned.  I also drank and smoked and had dabbled with "recreational" psychoactives from the time I was a teen.  Happy to report -clean and sober for over 6 years now.  And....an ex smoker of tobacco now, again.  I'll make it though.   It does strike me now how extremely fortunate I am, given it all, to still be alive and most days grateful for it all as well.  I can't live on consistent persistent anger.  I do struggle to feel anger and it sometimes comes out wrong.  Not dangerously so.  It wasn't allowed for me, as a kid, to learn healthy expression of anger.  I was the youngest child, and very much the observer, of all things good and bad.

 

When I got here I was 6 months or so off Lexapro AND remedicated with 2 drugs, and had a lengthy decades long history of medications/drugs.   So May of 2015.  Was I 58 years old?  I think so.  And had a passing knowledge now of WD and tapering.  An Icarus guide.  Was reading Beyond Meds.  Was also a certified peer in my state and was getting into the peers helping peers movement.  Met some like me too.  Much help.  Much appreciation for those friends.  Some here still, some gone now.  I had tried some naturopath things while on drugs and also to come off them.  Drugs being prescribed medications.  That wasn't great and cost a fortune.

 

Okay, so I'm here now.  Learning more.  And then even in my early acute WD state, was able to come to the conclusion that reinstatement would probably not be for me.  I based it on the time since off Lexapro, and the other drugs I was on, and somehow reached the right decision for me.

 

Oh, of course it would have been nice if the knowledge was there, at the hospital I went to, to give me a mini-dose of Lexapro.....after my too quick tapering.  But it was not.  I even had my liquid Lexapro with me at that time.  Acute WD for me was......well indescribable....yet, I'll try to sum things up a bit.

 

Total psych hospitalizations for me over what I call my psychiatric career were 5.  All were voluntary.  After a drug change of some type.  Off one, on another or what have you?  Some likely adverse effects from my prescribed drugs.

 

Drug history:

Started with psycho meds circa 1988 I think 27 or 28 total.

AD's, antipsychotics, antiseizure mood stabilizers. Lithium, lamictal ,benzos, and stimulants. Some med. for narcolepsy once(Provigil,) Gabapentin........probably more.  Ask me?......I probably was on it.  Haphazard W/D's by Dr. recommend or uneducated self.

10/2014- off Lexapro--had been on highest dose 20 mg., then 10 mg, then 5 mg. for a couple of years, went from 5 mg. to 3 mg. liquid and then CT in hospital(voluntary).  I got out of the hospital on a combination of low dose adderal salts x1/day and trileptal 150mg. x2/day.

5/28/2015-off Adderal salts 2.5mg. (I had been on that since hospital 10/2014)

12/2015---just holding, holding, holding, with trileptal/oxcarb at 75 mg. 1/2 tab at hs.  My last psycho med ever!

12/16/2016- tapered down with the oxcarbazepine, split the dose into 2, 12 hours apart, tapered at 2 week intervals near the end, and then jumped at 24 mg total dosage to 0.  

 

Withdrawal symptom history:  

And I will go to page 2 of this for that.

 

I am not a sailor, pre Sun/son I did Windsurf though.  Still have my sails and board in the garage too.  Soon to get donated or something.  I hope.

 

And okay.  My WD(withdrawal) symptoms.

I think I had most all symptoms possible.  Some when I did not even know of WD.

 

akathisia thankfully, if it was that.......was brief......the pacing, the utter inability to be still of mind or body.

A ton of the mental symptoms- cog fog, confusion, busy wizzy thoughts, thought disorganization, utter despair, fearful-ness, paranoia, disoriented, so many symptoms.......how I made it?.......sheer grace I think.  And a lot of faith.  Perserverence.

physical symptoms- dizzy, balance was off, ummm......poor appetite, hemorrhoids(was that a WD symptoms or a med side effect? Idk), dehydration maybe as I would have to remind myself to eat sometimes.....my hunger signals were off kilter,  brain wooshes- I never really had zaps......they were whooshes.....like I could feel my brain settling or moving in my skull.  That was odd.  Later in time- pretty severe headaches, they often went in tandem with stuff that did not used be stressful- but became very stressful.

Body aches and pains-check.

Blurry vision, loss of visual acuity-check

My glasses now are good, and I'm doing well with them.....so, thankful for that.

Some could be aging and or early arthritic changes too with the aches.  And some WD for sure.

Mouth dryness, dental problems- some of that was WD.  Some was other too.

Depersonalization/derealization-check

 

Somewhere around 3 or 4 years off, I didn't refer as much to WD anymore and just started to go with iatrogenic changes, ?harms, done knowing or unknowingly, but yes, most definitely had the protracted withdrawal syndome picture.....or it fit.

 

Most symptoms gone most days.  Some days still though I do have to apply my skills, my non-drug coping skills to get through.  And......when I stay disciplined to use some of my practices......I tend to do better, stay well enough.

I still struggle with fears/anxiety from time to time of varying degrees.

I am just now learning how to "adult" and be a real "grown-up".  I mean I did okay at it, but often have had to pull back, and take a day or a week, or quit a job, or something.  Embarassing but true.  And I am the older generation now, parents gone.  This is it.  Life, I'm an adult.  And I need to be a good, better example in all I do and say.  It's good work.  Trust me.

 

What helped the most.  Physical, not mental stuff.......physical- movement, music, swimming, walking, getting outside. Yoga, Qi gong.  Therapy did help-and does still.  Talking.  Self help.  Empowerement.  Learning.  Support-which I could find even when they did not know exactly what I had.  I couldn't always explain WD and still can't always explain it briefly.  So I learned.  People.  My tribe(s)....multiple tribes.  We're all one.

Having enough money to live.  That helped too.  I'm still on SSD, or social security disability.  I have enough for all my needs really.  Or I hope so.  I hoarded money for a long while out of fear. Of course I hope to employ again, just PT, for pay.....someday.  It's good for esteem and balance both I think.

 

What have I learned?  Well, I can go beyond survival and thrive now.  And life is good.  A whole new appreciation for life and respect.  I am far from being truly wise yet.......so don't ask me?  Or don't ask me too much or ask too much of me.  I'm a full time job.  Well I  have had to relearn how to care for my home and grounds again.  Many things that  I  have had to relearn.  How to relax.  Step out of myself and ego. Hoping, as always for some PT, non-career work up the road.  Maybe paid peer work, or fluff work, fun work, or something in the arts- doing support or something.

 

So.  That's it.  Gracious thanks to so many here and elsewhere.  I honestly love my life as I finish writing this, and each and every one of my fellow humans, animals, plants, and well.  I knew this wouldn't be so hard to write.......just emotional.

 

Here's to today.  And manymore tomorrows too!

 

Just popped in to say hey @manymoretodays 

Many thanks for sharing your secsse story, 10 years drug free it's a huge deal and definitely a wonderful cause for celebrate, salute you for that and wishing the same for all of us!

Keep up your good spirit and I hope you recovering well from your surgery.

Stay well and safe

Not there yet.  My 10 years will be December 16, 2026 but I'm feeling it.  The sense of being fully recovered.  

On 3/30/2026 at 1:25 AM, Fullhealing said:

Many thanks for sharing your secsse story, 10 years drug free it's a huge deal and definitely a wonderful cause for celebrate, salute you for that and wishing the same for all of us!

Way good progress with my hip healing now too.  I can resume my walks.  I'll start with just 15 minutes, and likely get up back to my hour or more over the next month.  Around 4 more weeks until I can go swim in the pool or take baths........getting there......miss my baths with Epsom salts, so relaxing.

 

All continues very good.  Into wellness.  And doing the whole Easter thing, Holy Week which is soul filling for me.

 

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

mmt

22 minutes ago, manymoretodays said:

Way good progress with my hip healing now too

So good hear 😊

Oh, sing it Angie, sing it loud.  I love this woman!

Darn it, it was a video click out today on FB.    I can't find it again.  I will soon and post.  Maybe it got to her youtube channel.?

Hey @Chippy.  For this one let's go with:  Manymoretodays:  Off many years of many meds.

 

A lot of M's.  Lol.  Working on my creativity.  

 

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

 

Thanks 

6 hours ago, manymoretodays said:

Hey @Chippy.  For this one let's go with:  Manymoretodays:  Off many years of many meds.

 

A lot of M's.  Lol.  Working on my creativity.  

 

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

 

Thanks 

Done 😀