Hi, it's Tale from SurvivingAntidepressants. This was my intro https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/30060-tale-my-story/#comment-663098. I had a really long window of almost two months, and now I'm back in hell. Windows and waves can be so convincing. I thought I was on the right path, and now I'm crying because I can't stand feeling any tiny vibration in my body. It's just not fair. In 4 weeks I'll be 1 year off escitalopram. I'm in a really low place right now, so if someone could say something encouraging, I would really appreciate it. Thank you for creating a new forum for the people that are still suffering ❤️ 

Hi @Tale

 

Welcome to the forum!

 

Thanks for posting you intro topic and linking across to your SA thread.

 

Im so sorry to read you are having such a hard time at the moment after being in a nice long window. It's so typical of this journey to have better times and then find ourselves back into more challenging times, the unpredictability makes it all so much worse I know!

 

We have a number of members who have crossed the line to zero and are now having a hard time a year+ out. You are not alone. I believe in time you will improve as healing is happening constantly and our symptoms are evidence of this.

 

You are so very welcome here and I hope you find the community a supportive place for you.

 

Chippy

8 hours ago, Chippy said:

 

We have a number of members who have crossed the line to zero and are now having a hard time a year+ out. You are not alone. I believe in time you will improve as healing is happening constantly and our symptoms are evidence of this.

 

You are so very welcome here and I hope you find the community a supportive place for you.

 

Chippy

Thank you for the reassurance! It always feels so bad when in a wave, but hopefully it'll end soon 🙂 

That sucks, Tale, sorry to hear you're down again. But a 2 month window where you think you're out of it is an awesome sign - you know you'll get another one soon enough and one day it will be forever!

On 3/2/2026 at 12:44 AM, N2deep said:

That sucks, Tale, sorry to hear you're down again. But a 2 month window where you think you're out of it is an awesome sign - you know you'll get another one soon enough and one day it will be forever!

Oh sorry, I didn't even see this message. Thank you for the support! And hello! This is the first time seeing you on the new forum.

Yes, a 2 month window is a great sign. I actually wanted to give a bit of an update since I will be 1 year off medication in 5 days. Isn't that crazy? You're on 0.175 mg? That's so awesome. Take your time (unlike me lol) and I hope you're doing well!

 

UPDATE

 

I checked my 2025 journal, and it can't be denied that I have improved. Reading that sends shivers down my spine, not gonna lie. Lately I'm in my exhaustion era once again. I constantly need to be on my bed cause I literally feel my back will die if I sit for too long. This is interesting, because when I was still tapering, I would usually take this symptom as a sign to taper again. Now I know I should've waited longer. I thought it was a side effect of the medication, but it was also a withdrawal symptom. Well, it's too late now, but I've survived a whole year, so I pray to the withdrawal gods that the next one will be easier once again.

 

My digestion is still not great, but I don't have the really intense problems I had last year anymore. I had a period of time where I started jerking when falling asleep. It was very weird. It's almost like an extension of brain zaps. But I think it's happening less. My misophonia is still a nightmare, but maybe a bit less naightmare-ish. I have started drinking a lot more water. I didn't even realize how little water I was drinking, and I think this can increase stress levels, so hopefully it's one less problem. I had lost my appetite completely, but it's back now. I've also felt moments of peace and joy, even if rare.

 

It seems like the highs are less high, and the lows might also be less low or at least they don't last as long. It's funny how windows can convince me so clearly that "I'm obviously healed!" LOL. And then a wave comes and I'm like "Oh, never mind, I got tricked once again...". But hopefully the next windows and waves will be calmer and calmer, until they merge into one peaceful state. I obviously know that life is not stable. So I will always go through highs and lows, but hopefully they feel more human and less "I'm on drugs!!!" type of feeling hmm... Anyway, even if I hate having to be on my bed for so long, this is still a somewhat positive update, so I hope my brain gives me energy soon.

If I read my journal on SA I go into PTSD mode ... but only because I remember the state I was in when I wrote the posts. The posts themselves do not, in even the slightest manner, convey the otherworldly panic and anguish I was experiencing at the time - so if a third party read my posts, they'd just think "oh, he's just having a bit of a tough time". I'm sure it's the same for you and most others that post on these forums.

 

On 3/13/2026 at 1:38 PM, Tale said:

I had a period of time where I started jerking when falling asleep. It was very weird.

I've had that symptom to a very minor degree from tapering, but it was MASSIVELY more prominent with Long COVID (it's very common in that unfortunate group) where it would be full karate chops, and kicks or just jumping half a foot off the bed every time you doze off ... all night, and thus, no sleep. Intense dysautonomia. 

 

On 3/13/2026 at 1:38 PM, Tale said:

I have started drinking a lot more water. I didn't even realize how little water I was drinking, and I think this can increase stress levels

If I don't down some water every few hours the first thing I notice is that I'm getting very fight-or-flighty, before I actually feel thirsty. There are people that don't drink water and I don't understand how it's even possible - I feel like I'm pretty ill pretty quick if I don't.

On 3/13/2026 at 1:38 PM, Tale said:

But hopefully the next windows and waves will be calmer and calmer, until they merge into one peaceful state.

That was beautifully written - and it will. I figure I entered that state about 6 months ago, after 2+ years of protracted withdrawal symptoms from the doctor-instituted fast-taper. As you said, life can still suck a lot, but at least in my case, it is impossible for me to naturally be able go anywhere near the depths of despair of the chemical-induced states that these pills provide - akathisia being the most viscerally memorable, for myself. 

Edited March 18Mar 18 by N2deep

8 minutes ago, N2deep said:

If I read my journal on SA I go into PTSD mode ... but only because I remember the state I was in when I wrote the posts. The posts themselves do not, in even the slightest manner, convey the otherworldly panic and anguish I was experiencing at the time - so if a third party read my posts, they'd just think "oh, he's just having a bit of a tough time". I'm sure it's the same for you and most others that post on these forums.

Yeah... I think we all hide it a little bit because otherwise the forums would be impossible for the moderators. They probably already are. It's so sad because sometimes you feel like you really need to share all that pain because it's so unbearable, but that would be quite pointless since people in real life don't really understand, and you also don't really want to stress people on the forums. At least that's how I feel. At some points I've felt insanely bad, and I write on the forum like "oh yeah... I'm not doing super well, but it's okay haha" lmao. Like girl... Who are you trying to fool?

 

11 minutes ago, N2deep said:

I've had that symptom to a very minor degree from tapering, but it was MASSIVELY more prominent with Long COVID (it's very common in that unfortunate group) where it would be full karate chops, and kicks or just jumping half a foot off the bed every time you doze off ... all night, and thus, no sleep. Intense dysautonomia. 

Wow, your case sounds like it was A LOT worse than mine. Mine is just a little bit and I don't think I move during my sleep, but it's still awkward. You're falling asleep and suddenly your body is like "NO, WAIT A MINUTE!". Almost like how I would feel when I forgot to do my homework right before falling asleep when I was younger lol.

 

13 minutes ago, N2deep said:

If I don't down some water every few hours the first thing I notice is that I'm getting very fight-or-flighty, before I actually feel thirsty. There are people that don't drink water and I don't understand how it's even possible - I feel like I'm pretty ill pretty quick if I don't.

Interesting. I think the body kind of adapts to it. Not that it's a good thing at all. The adaptation probably increases cortisol or something to retain more water. I think that's why I was feeling very sleepy when I started drinking more water which is really funny. It's like a natural benzo lol.

 

14 minutes ago, N2deep said:

That was beautifully written - and it will. I figure I entered that state about 6 months ago, after 2+ years of protracted withdrawal symptoms from the doctor-instituted fast-taper. As you said, life can still suck a lot, but at least in my case, it is impossible for me to naturally be able go anywhere near the depths of despair as the chemical-induced states that these pills provide - akathisia being the most viscerally memorable, for myself. 

Ughh... I hope it really is soon, because man I'm tired... I thought 2026 would be a good year, and it did start good, but then the waves came back again lol. Maybe 2027 will be a good year 🤣 I know life will always have ups and downs, but please I don't wanna have these ups and downs. I wanna have the less crazy ones. I'm really happy for you though. I remember when you were still struggling and look at you now! If you keep going the slow way, I'm sure you'll have a smooth path to victory!!!

Hi,

This is so weird. I've been gone for three months. I'm gonna be honest. I've had really rough times, but I also started forgetting about withdrawal. For the first time in many years I was back to hyperfocusing on cool things to do and little projects. I've produced my own music. I've started learning Japanese. I programmed once again (I thought I would never want to do it again lol). I also stopped giving a sh*t about a lot of things that were haunting me. It was so nice. It was like the usual windows, but three whole months!

Well, I'm back here for a reason... Because I got reminded that withdrawal is still not gone. I've had a few days that I was having insane irritability once again, stomach issues, insomnia, and intense misophonia. Today I woke up in the middle of the night with my heart going insanely fast. I still feel pressure in my chest. But this is what used to happen to me before, so it's clearly withdrawal once again.

I just wanted to say that I haven't died yet (lol). Hopefully the wave doesn't last long. SSRIs have probably caused me some permanent damage (TMJ, severe malnourishment that has caused problems of its own, strained relationships...), but at least I can feel some peace and do things I enjoy. I don't want to write a success story until I don't feel like I'm actually an adult and self-sufficient (unless life decides that I will never be self-sufficient idk).

Anyways. Bye.

You're making good progress, it's still relatively early and the precedent for improving further is clear from the stories of others.

Please do let us know how you're doing down the line.

4 hours ago, Tale said:

Hi,

This is so weird. I've been gone for three months. I'm gonna be honest. I've had really rough times, but I also started forgetting about withdrawal. For the first time in many years I was back to hyperfocusing on cool things to do and little projects. I've produced my own music. I've started learning Japanese. I programmed once again (I thought I would never want to do it again lol). I also stopped giving a sh*t about a lot of things that were haunting me. It was so nice. It was like the usual windows, but three whole months!

Well, I'm back here for a reason... Because I got reminded that withdrawal is still not gone. I've had a few days that I was having insane irritability once again, stomach issues, insomnia, and intense misophonia. Today I woke up in the middle of the night with my heart going insanely fast. I still feel pressure in my chest. But this is what used to happen to me before, so it's clearly withdrawal once again.

I just wanted to say that I haven't died yet (lol). Hopefully the wave doesn't last long. SSRIs have probably caused me some permanent damage (TMJ, severe malnourishment that has caused problems of its own, strained relationships...), but at least I can feel some peace and do things I enjoy. I don't want to write a success story until I don't feel like I'm actually an adult and self-sufficient (unless life decides that I will never be self-sufficient idk).

Anyways. Bye.

Tale, I'm sorry your going through another wave, I know they can be difficult at times, but just know a window is coming, and it will be bright. I myself will be 20 months off citalopram on the 17th of June, am I fully healed, the answer is no, but have been making considerable progress, I do still have cortisol morning's from time to time, but are manageable. Yes, I know it can be scary when it comes to the heart palpitations, or tightness in the chest, I myself have to remind myself it's part of the process of windows and waves, and they can't hurt me, I need to not let my thoughts get to me, I try to distract myself at that point. I've had a wave the last 2 weeks but it has been improved. I'm so close, and you'll get there to, stay strong, I am sending prayers to a window of relief. Sincerely Bernadette

2 hours ago, Bernadette said:

Tale, I'm sorry your going through another wave, I know they can be difficult at times, but just know a window is coming, and it will be bright. I myself will be 20 months off citalopram on the 17th of June, am I fully healed, the answer is no, but have been making considerable progress, I do still have cortisol morning's from time to time, but are manageable. Yes, I know it can be scary when it comes to the heart palpitations, or tightness in the chest, I myself have to remind myself it's part of the process of windows and waves, and they can't hurt me, I need to not let my thoughts get to me, I try to distract myself at that point. I've had a wave the last 2 weeks but it has been improved. I'm so close, and you'll get there to, stay strong, I am sending prayers to a window of relief. Sincerely Bernadette

Hey! Thanks for the reassurance. I've been off for 15 months, and the first 10 months were so so bad. But on average it does seem like things are getting better. At this point I don't really care about fully healing. I think I value peace and calm a lot more than anything else in this world. I also try to remind myself the heart palpitations are probably just a "false alarm", but it can be so scary 😅 I was so close to going to the hospital, but I managed to recover from it on my own.

Sorry you've been in a wave for a couple weeks. Glad it has improved though! I hope you feel better soon! Even if things can feel horrible sometimes, I'm hopeful things will get much better from here on ❤️

47 minutes ago, Tale said:

Hey! Thanks for the reassurance. I've been off for 15 months, and the first 10 months were so so bad. But on average it does seem like things are getting better. At this point I don't really care about fully healing. I think I value peace and calm a lot more than anything else in this world. I also try to remind myself the heart palpitations are probably just a "false alarm", but it can be so scary 😅 I was so close to going to the hospital, but I managed to recover from it on my own.

Sorry you've been in a wave for a couple weeks. Glad it has improved though! I hope you feel better soon! Even if things can feel horrible sometimes, I'm hopeful things will get much better from here on ❤️

Thanks Tale , positive encouragement is definitely appreciated, I did have a brief moment of 8 days where I felt almost normal at 16 and a half months out, but at least I know the light is getting brighter. I now go month by month, instead of minutes, hours, or days. I to myself had to step away for a brief moment to gather myself. I give myself pep talks, that this is not permanent just temporary, and yes I ask the Lord my God to help me through the difficult times. So for supper tonight I made liver, with sauteed onions and fried potatoes. For some strange reason my system likes it, who am I to question it. It's 5:30pm in Wisconsin right now and the weather is sunny, with a slight breeze and 71 degrees, nice night for a walk. Well by for now and prayers for a fabulous window soon. Sincerely Bernadette

Tale, Just checking in to see how your doing, hopefully you are in a window and some relief, I myself have noticed a pattern, that when a wave hits I get more heart palpitations, headaches, nausea in my stomach, chest pressure, jaw tension, but when a window starts I'll all of a sudden get tinnitus piercing loud, less headaches and this slight head pressure in the base of head. I've been enjoying what seems to be a window and much needed relief, I must remind to be gentle and patient with my system and remind myself that is just more healing my brain and nervous has to go through to heal. I was able to make a mixed berry pie, from berries I picked, my husband requested frosted cut out sugar cookies, and made sourkraurt and spareribs. It was comforting and healing to be able to cook and bake. Sending prayers and thoughts for a window for you. Sincerely Bernadette 🤗

On 6/21/2026 at 1:17 AM, Bernadette said:

Tale, Just checking in to see how your doing, hopefully you are in a window and some relief, I myself have noticed a pattern, that when a wave hits I get more heart palpitations, headaches, nausea in my stomach, chest pressure, jaw tension, but when a window starts I'll all of a sudden get tinnitus piercing loud, less headaches and this slight head pressure in the base of head. I've been enjoying what seems to be a window and much needed relief, I must remind to be gentle and patient with my system and remind myself that is just more healing my brain and nervous has to go through to heal. I was able to make a mixed berry pie, from berries I picked, my husband requested frosted cut out sugar cookies, and made sourkraurt and spareribs. It was comforting and healing to be able to cook and bake. Sending prayers and thoughts for a window for you. Sincerely Bernadette 🤗

Oh no, I didn't even see your message! I don't check this website as much anymore. Thank you for checking in. I'm so happy for you! Oh I love berries! I love anything super sour and sweet. Cooking can be so much fun cause your brain is always focused on the next thing to do, so it's kinda freeing. Thanks for the prayers. I'm not doing well at the moment. But I'm trying my best to just keep going. Sending you lots of healing! ❤️

I'm scared. I think I might be developing akathisia. It's not the whole day long, but when it happens, whatever it is, it is horrible. It's like I can feel my organs move and my whole body. And it's the only thing I can focus on. It's really disturbing and it's stressing me so much. I thought I was doing well and I've honestly never felt worse... I literally forgot withdrawal existed for 3 months. Why? It's 8 am and I haven't slept yet. I've been feeling for a while that my death is coming soon. I'm probably wrong. I'll probably live until I'm 200 years old just to entertain the universe or something. I know nobody can help me, so I guess I'm just screaming and hoping that someone will tell me everything will be okay... Cause I sure don't believe it right now. Sorry for being annoying.

Hey @Tale. I’m so sorry, that sounds really rough. Waves are terrible. But looking back through your thread, it looks like you’ve had some nice long windows too. So that’s a great sign!! You’re on the right path, every day brings the next window closer 😊

1 hour ago, SarahMc said:

Hey @Tale. I’m so sorry, that sounds really rough. Waves are terrible. But looking back through your thread, it looks like you’ve had some nice long windows too. So that’s a great sign!! You’re on the right path, every day brings the next window closer 😊

Thank you Sarah. I really really hope so...

Hope you're doing well too!

1 hour ago, Tale said:

😊

Thank you Sarah. I really really hope so...

Hope you're doing well too!

Thanks! I’m doing ok, seem to be out of the worst of my most recent wave but not quite in a window. But stability is coming 💪🏼😊

On 6/28/2026 at 12:45 AM, Tale said:

I'm scared. I think I might be developing akathisia. It's not the whole day long, but when it happens, whatever it is, it is horrible. It's like I can feel my organs move and my whole body. And it's the only thing I can focus on. It's really disturbing and it's stressing me so much. I thought I was doing well and I've honestly never felt worse... I literally forgot withdrawal existed for 3 months. Why? It's 8 am and I haven't slept yet. I've been feeling for a while that my death is coming soon. I'm probably wrong. I'll probably live until I'm 200 years old just to entertain the universe or something. I know nobody can help me, so I guess I'm just screaming and hoping that someone will tell me everything will be okay... Cause I sure don't believe it right now. Sorry for being annoying.

On 6/28/2026 at 12:45 AM, Tale said:

I'm scared. I think I might be developing akathisia. It's not the whole day long, but when it happens, whatever it is, it is horrible. It's like I can feel my organs move and my whole body. And it's the only thing I can focus on. It's really disturbing and it's stressing me so much. I thought I was doing well and I've honestly never felt worse... I literally forgot withdrawal existed for 3 months. Why? It's 8 am and I haven't slept yet. I've been feeling for a while that my death is coming soon. I'm probably wrong. I'll probably live until I'm 200 years old just to entertain the universe or something. I know nobody can help me, so I guess I'm just screaming and hoping that someone will tell me everything will be okay... Cause I sure don't believe it right now. Sorry for being annoying.

Morning Tale, just say your post, I'm so very sorry to hear your having a rough time. If I go back in you thread it looks like you've been off all meds for 15 months now, is that correct? I myself at 15 months off did experience some similar feelings you are experiencing right now. I myself at 20 and a half months out have to remind myself that my mind and body are still in the process of healing and and to be gentle with my system, and just remember the bigger the wave the more healing that is being done. I know it's easier said than done, but when those times come I need to distract myself, with something, anything, and things do eventually settle down, maybe not as quickly as I would like, but they do settle. You've got this Tale, I see the strength in your words, we will all heal. I pray for window of relief just know your making great progress even at the moment it may not feel like it. It's your body healing. I myself took a day off from work just to reset myself, which I mean be kind to myself and system and not push myself to hard. So to you and all the wonderful people on this site, we will all heal, and see the glorious path ahead. 🤗❤

23 hours ago, Bernadette said:

Morning Tale, just say your post, I'm so very sorry to hear your having a rough time. If I go back in you thread it looks like you've been off all meds for 15 months now, is that correct? I myself at 15 months off did experience some similar feelings you are experiencing right now. I myself at 20 and a half months out have to remind myself that my mind and body are still in the process of healing and and to be gentle with my system, and just remember the bigger the wave the more healing that is being done. I know it's easier said than done, but when those times come I need to distract myself, with something, anything, and things do eventually settle down, maybe not as quickly as I would like, but they do settle. You've got this Tale, I see the strength in your words, we will all heal. I pray for window of relief just know your making great progress even at the moment it may not feel like it. It's your body healing. I myself took a day off from work just to reset myself, which I mean be kind to myself and system and not push myself to hard. So to you and all the wonderful people on this site, we will all heal, and see the glorious path ahead. 🤗❤

Thank you a lot for this beautiful message. It's just that I was fine for like 3 months and everything came back all at once and it felt very overwhelming. I was literally forgetting about all of this and it all came back. So it's like I forgot how to cope with it. I think I'm doing better now, even if my stomach hurts a lot sometimes. I went to the doctor and as usual they tell me nothing's wrong, so I left a bit embarrassed. I knew they wouldn't find anything, but all that fear makes you take action faster than maybe I should've... At least I know I'm not dying lol. Again thank you for the words and I wish you good luck on your journey as well ❤️

Tale, I know the frustration all to well. I had a glorious window at 15 and a half months out and it was fabulous, and thought to myself this nightmare is almost over,then some older symptoms seamed to want to show there ugly face,and I needed to remind myself that this is just more healing my brain nervous system must go threw to heal. Some days it can seem relentless but necessary for the healing process. None of us should ever have to endure this, but here we are healing, surviving, and in time opening that glorious window to the new version of you. So my friend, stay strong , slowly breath and the Lord our God will strengthen all of us so nothing like this will never break us again. I remind myself that he is waiting for the exact moment, and when it comes it will be glorious, that we will shed tears of such astounding joy. Take care, and sending hugs and prayers for a fabulous window. XXX Bernadette

Guys, I can't eat anymore. I'm hungry, but I literally can't. The only thing I seem to want to eat is things that are sour and sweet. But I can't only live with that... My BMI is severely underweight. I can't sleep. I'm sleeping like one hour a day. I don't know what the heck happened for me to get so bad after like 15 months off. I did take oregano oil for two weeks, but maybe I'm just hyper analyzing as usual. I swear it feels like I'm constantly with really high cortisol. I've gone to doctors countless times and I always end up feeling worse because of their dismissal. I went to a doctor who is a nutritionist and immunologist, but she gave me some pills that are even more antimicrobials and random herbs and I don't know if I should take it... She also gave me digestive enzymes. They used to work in the past, but they don't even work anymore for some reason. I'm so lost and helpless.

13 hours ago, Bernadette said:

Tale, I know the frustration all to well. I had a glorious window at 15 and a half months out and it was fabulous, and thought to myself this nightmare is almost over,then some older symptoms seamed to want to show there ugly face,and I needed to remind myself that this is just more healing my brain nervous system must go threw to heal. Some days it can seem relentless but necessary for the healing process. None of us should ever have to endure this, but here we are healing, surviving, and in time opening that glorious window to the new version of you. So my friend, stay strong , slowly breath and the Lord our God will strengthen all of us so nothing like this will never break us again. I remind myself that he is waiting for the exact moment, and when it comes it will be glorious, that we will shed tears of such astounding joy. Take care, and sending hugs and prayers for a fabulous window. XXX Bernadette

Thanks for the courage Bernadette. I send you lots of strength back! 🫂

21 hours ago, Tale said:

Guys, I can't eat anymore. I'm hungry, but I literally can't. The only thing I seem to want to eat is things that are sour and sweet. But I can't only live with that... My BMI is severely underweight. I can't sleep. I'm sleeping like one hour a day. I don't know what the heck happened for me to get so bad after like 15 months off. I did take oregano oil for two weeks, but maybe I'm just hyper analyzing as usual. I swear it feels like I'm constantly with really high cortisol. I've gone to doctors countless times and I always end up feeling worse because of their dismissal. I went to a doctor who is a nutritionist and immunologist, but she gave me some pills that are even more antimicrobials and random herbs and I don't know if I should take it... She also gave me digestive enzymes. They used to work in the past, but they don't even work anymore for some reason. I'm so lost and helpless.

I am so sorry Tale that things are so rough still for you. My advice would be stay clean of supplements and let your body work things through without interference. Obviously try to eat a balanced diet, it will help loads, plenty of fluid and more time. Your timescales are not unique many are still symptomatic at this point, healing is happening, I think it is really important not to try to fix this, as counter intuitive as that may seem, we often see that approach at best does not help and may make you worse. Hang in there, it will get better with time.

@Tale I'm sorry to hear you're really struggling.

Is it worth getting some nutritional shakes, stocking up on high calorie foods that are easy to eat (they're maybe not super healthy, but at this stage you need calories and nutrition). Maybe having a stock of these things will be helpful to fall back on when you have periods when eating is difficult.