Tale, so very sorry your having a rough time, I would have to agree with Luke and Chippi. Don't add anything new as far supplements and let your system settle itself out , and stock up on high calorie foods that are nutritious and have agreed with your system. I was 16 and a half months before anything significant moved in the positive direction, I know all to well how frustrating and scary it can be. Hang in there my friend, your system will settle, even though it my not seem time it but it is all trying to figure things. Sending prayers for some much need relief.

11 hours ago, Chippy said:

I am so sorry Tale that things are so rough still for you. My advice would be stay clean of supplements and let your body work things through without interference. Obviously try to eat a balanced diet, it will help loads, plenty of fluid and more time. Your timescales are not unique many are still symptomatic at this point, healing is happening, I think it is really important not to try to fix this, as counter intuitive as that may seem, we often see that approach at best does not help and may make you worse. Hang in there, it will get better with time.

Thank you Chippy. I will stop taking any of the supplements that don't bring me much confidence and I'll keep the magnesium and the others I need cause otherwise my diet would not be sufficient like vitamin C. I'll stay strong 💪

10 hours ago, Luke said:

@Tale I'm sorry to hear you're really struggling.

Is it worth getting some nutritional shakes, stocking up on high calorie foods that are easy to eat (they're maybe not super healthy, but at this stage you need calories and nutrition). Maybe having a stock of these things will be helpful to fall back on when you have periods when eating is difficult.

Thank you for the tips, Luke! I think that's the only way. I've been thinking that literally the only thing I could "eat" is anything liquid or ice-y. I'll start eating that even if it's unhealthy or whatever, cause like you say, it's more unhealthy to be this underweight...

4 hours ago, Bernadette said:

Tale, so very sorry your having a rough time, I would have to agree with Luke and Chippi. Don't add anything new as far supplements and let your system settle itself out , and stock up on high calorie foods that are nutritious and have agreed with your system. I was 16 and a half months before anything significant moved in the positive direction, I know all to well how frustrating and scary it can be. Hang in there my friend, your system will settle, even though it my not seem time it but it is all trying to figure things. Sending prayers for some much need relief.

Yeah, it seems like just eating the easiest thing will have to be what I do. My relationship with food has been getting worse and worse ever since I got withdrawal. It's at an all time low right now. Makes sense when everything I eat makes me feel terrible psychologically and physically.

Thank you for the tips. I'll do my best. I will keep you updated if I get better. I was doing so well... I almost got to a healthy BMI back in January. I'll stay strong (even if I'm probably lacking muscle mass right now LOL).

1 hour ago, Tale said:

Thank you for the tips, Luke! I think that's the only way. I've been thinking that literally the only thing I could "eat" is anything liquid or ice-y. I'll start eating that even if it's unhealthy or whatever, cause like you say, it's more unhealthy to be this underweight...

Anything you can tolerate, that provides calories and nutrition- get it in. Even if it's ice cream.

That's all that really matters if you're that underweight.

I hope you can tolerate eating more normally again soon.

1 hour ago, Tale said:

Thank you Chippy. I will stop taking any of the supplements that don't bring me much confidence and I'll keep the magnesium and the others I need cause otherwise my diet would not be sufficient like vitamin C. I'll stay strong 💪

Thank you for the tips, Luke! I think that's the only way. I've been thinking that literally the only thing I could "eat" is anything liquid or ice-y. I'll start eating that even if it's unhealthy or whatever, cause like you say, it's more unhealthy to be this underweight...

Yeah, it seems like just eating the easiest thing will have to be what I do. My relationship with food has been getting worse and worse ever since I got withdrawal. It's at an all time low right now. Makes sense when everything I eat makes me feel terrible psychologically and physically.

Thank you for the tips. I'll do my best. I will keep you updated if I get better. I was doing so well... I almost got to a healthy BMI back in January. I'll stay strong (even if I'm probably lacking muscle mass right now LOL).

Tale, yes the simple things for now. As time progresses your body will tell you if it agrees. Some thing that helped me were different fruits, nuts different beans, peanut butter, chicken breast for more protein, and yes a lot of time for my body to adjust. I even went as far as eating fried liver and sauteed onions, and pickled herring. May not sound as appealing but it's trial and error. You will get there stay strong my friend. Everyone is different on how they handle the food thing. Just know you have the strength. Hugs xx Bernadette.

Update

I'm able to eat yogurts and ice cream, but I still can't eat food in regular meals. It's like I eat two bites and I'm already very full, but I could eat yogurt after yogurt. It doesn't help that it's summer and with this heat it's even less nice to eat anything at all. My sleep is still a huge mess. But I think this isn't as bad as it was back in February for example, so I guess that's a win. And I think my horrible stomach pain is mostly gone. I actually lost my appetite in January this year and it never came back. I worry sometimes that something bad is going on in my body, but hopefully not.

3 hours ago, Tale said:

Update

I'm able to eat yogurts and ice cream, but I still can't eat food in regular meals. It's like I eat two bites and I'm already very full, but I could eat yogurt after yogurt. It doesn't help that it's summer and with this heat it's even less nice to eat anything at all. My sleep is still a huge mess. But I think this isn't as bad as it was back in February for example, so I guess that's a win. And I think my horrible stomach pain is mostly gone. I actually lost my appetite in January this year and it never came back. I worry sometimes that something bad is going on in my body, but hopefully not.

Glad to see some positives in that update 😊. Just eat whatever your body can tolerate if you're having issues, keeping your weight and strength up is what matters most! I think lack of appetite is a very common WD symptom, I definitely struggle with it on and off. But I'll consciously make myself eat enough calories on days when I have no appetite, even if it's through a bunch of small snacks over the course of the day instead of larger meals. You got this 💪.

17 hours ago, Tale said:

Update

I'm able to eat yogurts and ice cream, but I still can't eat food in regular meals. It's like I eat two bites and I'm already very full, but I could eat yogurt after yogurt. It doesn't help that it's summer and with this heat it's even less nice to eat anything at all. My sleep is still a huge mess. But I think this isn't as bad as it was back in February for example, so I guess that's a win. And I think my horrible stomach pain is mostly gone. I actually lost my appetite in January this year and it never came back. I worry sometimes that something bad is going on in my body, but hopefully not.

Sounds like you are improving @Tale

I completely empathise with that feeling of only managing a couple of bites and not being able to finish a meal. I had this in my first 6 months off the drug. Some things on the plate I could finish, other things like Mash potato was completely unappetizing to me. Also the heat certainly does effect appetite.

Sleep can take a long time to fully resolve, the fact it has improved some already is a great sign. More to come.

TW: self-harm

Guys, this is the only place where I feel safe saying this. When withdrawal started, eventually at some point I developed some form of self-harming. It's not a habit, but it seems like it's slowly being more common. I hurt myself because of my misophonia or when my body feels particularly wrong. It's one of those things where you hurt yourself so that your brain stops focusing on the other pain. I don't think I'm asking for help. I'll probably reject it anyway. Lately I've been feeling like my days are numbered. Not because I'll do anything, but because I keep losing weight, my sleep schedule keeps getting worse, I can't go to the bathroom. It seems like every bodily function is failing more and more and one day I won't wake up. I don't feel safe asking for help to anyone in real life. 4 months ago I had an argument with my mom and it was the last straw for me, so I stopped talking to her. It was not about the argument we had, it was about how that pattern has repeated for more than 10 years and I'm so done with it. They say love goes away when you stop caring and I can't care about her anymore. A few weeks ago, I was feeling so bad that I felt the need to ask her for help. We talked about the problems we have, but it only took two weeks for her to do the same thing she always does. I understand I'm also guilty in some way, but clearly we just can't talk to each other like normal human beings. So I'm completely alone in this world, dying slowly, and being so done with everything. Maybe I don't wanna keep trying anymore. Maybe I just wanna let myself get carried away by nature. Deep inside my heart, I know I don't want to. But what choice do I really have? I guess nobody is owed a peaceful life.

@Tale I'm sorry you're struggling so much. I'm not sure what kind of food you're able to keep down these days, but if you're able to eat high calorie foods like nut butters, full fat dairy, granola, etc, that could help you minimize weight loss. I know your symptoms are really hard to deal with, but if you keep going minute by minute you will recover. And of course if you're hurting yourself, or thinking about it, please call a crisis line, that's what they're there for 💜.

2 hours ago, Tale said:

TW: self-harm

Guys, this is the only place where I feel safe saying this. When withdrawal started, eventually at some point I developed some form of self-harming. It's not a habit, but it seems like it's slowly being more common. I hurt myself because of my misophonia or when my body feels particularly wrong. It's one of those things where you hurt yourself so that your brain stops focusing on the other pain. I don't think I'm asking for help. I'll probably reject it anyway. Lately I've been feeling like my days are numbered. Not because I'll do anything, but because I keep losing weight, my sleep schedule keeps getting worse, I can't go to the bathroom. It seems like every bodily function is failing more and more and one day I won't wake up. I don't feel safe asking for help to anyone in real life. 4 months ago I had an argument with my mom and it was the last straw for me, so I stopped talking to her. It was not about the argument we had, it was about how that pattern has repeated for more than 10 years and I'm so done with it. They say love goes away when you stop caring and I can't care about her anymore. A few weeks ago, I was feeling so bad that I felt the need to ask her for help. We talked about the problems we have, but it only took two weeks for her to do the same thing she always does. I understand I'm also guilty in some way, but clearly we just can't talk to each other like normal human beings. So I'm completely alone in this world, dying slowly, and being so done with everything. Maybe I don't wanna keep trying anymore. Maybe I just wanna let myself get carried away by nature. Deep inside my heart, I know I don't want to. But what choice do I really have? I guess nobody is owed a peaceful life.

Heartbreaking to read this @Tale I'm so very sorry, I wish I could take it away from you, I really do.

I can only say that as brutal and unbearable as this is, the process is dynamic, you won't stay like this forever, you are still healing, it takes time, for some of us a long unfortunately, but you will recover, also please know that your current feelings are not real, it's a pure chemical reaction that disrupts how we experience ourselves and others and at times causes us to behave in a very atypical way so please be kind with yourself, things WILL change, little by little it will fade away.

Sending lots of strength, we are all here for!

Edited July 20Jul 20 by Fullhealing

16 minutes ago, SarahMc said:

@Tale I'm sorry you're struggling so much. I'm not sure what kind of food you're able to keep down these days, but if you're able to eat high calorie foods like nut butters, full fat dairy, granola, etc, that could help you minimize weight loss. I know your symptoms are really hard to deal with, but if you keep going minute by minute you will recover. And of course if you're hurting yourself, or thinking about it, please call a crisis line, that's what they're there for 💜.

Thank you Sarah. Honestly, just having someone to talk to is helpful. I'll keep trying. I feel a bit better emotionally now. I'm not gonna lie, I don't trust the crisis lines at all, so I'm just gonna take deep breaths...

17 minutes ago, Fullhealing said:

Heartbreaking to read this @Tale I'm so very sorry, I wish I could take it away from you, I really do.

I can only say that as brutal and unbearable as this is, the process is dynamic, you won't stay like this forever, you are still healing, it takes time, for some of us a long unfortunately, but you will recover, also please know that your current feelings are not real, it's a pure chemical reaction that disrupts how we experience ourselves and others and at times causes us to behave in a very atypical way so please be kind with yourself, things WILL change, little by little it will fade away.

Sending lots of strength, we are all here for!

I also wish I could stop the suffering caused by these drugs. It's just not fair at all. But I guess I just have to accept that life isn't fair. You're right, things don't stay the same. Hopefully they get better soon. I just don't get it. I felt so good for 3 months. 3 MONTHS!!! Even if I still struggled with eating. And now I've been back to this for like a month. So sad...

I wish you both the best! Thanks ❤️

@Tale have you managed to get hold of high-calorie meal replacement shakes intended for people who are unable to easily eat?

You're going through withdrawal, but not getting adequate nutrition is also going to impact your physical and mental wellbeing- the mind and body are not separate entities.

It won't cure everything, but some of how bad you're feeling could be linked to this.

I've known many who struggled with self harm during withdrawal, I didn't, but I had intense SI and all of it was withdrawal. It eventually improved in time. That's why I want you to try to find ways to keep your weight up and take care of yourself physically, as I believe these difficulties will improve for you in time as well if you can take care of yourself until they do.

9 hours ago, Luke said:

@Tale have you managed to get hold of high-calorie meal replacement shakes intended for people who are unable to easily eat?

I'm trying to eat two yogurts a day which is like 300 more calories. I also eat ice creams sometimes which I don't really know how many calories is that. I think I eat around 1500 calories now, not really sure the exact number. I also take less magnesium citrate because someone told me that it can make you lose appetite and I was taking A LOT because otherwise I can't go to the bathroom. And so now it's happening again, I can't go to the bathroom at all. And I'm so worried because last summer I spent 3 weeks with no bowel movement (absolutely nothing) and it was quite traumatic. So I'm so scared the same will happen again. As I'm writing this, my belly hurts, but nothing is moving. It's like my intestines are paralyzed because of withdrawal.

I totally agree that not eating enough is making me much worse, but it's like I'm stuck in a cage and the key is outside. I feel trapped. Everything I do stops working after some time because this other thing appears and so then I try to fix this other thing, but fixing that makes something else appear... It's like impossible. Right now I'm literally getting up at 4 pm which is ridiculous, but I've tried 600 different ways to get up earlier and it's literally impossible. Or I'm finally able to fix my sleep somehow, but then I try to wash my hair and my whole body starts shaking because my muscles can't take it and then I just can't get out of bed once again until 4 pm. And if I try to eat more, I can't go to the bathroom and I feel so ill until I lose my appetite completely. I don't know. Maybe I'm just being obtuse and too stubborn. Maybe I just have to do things really slowly, like adding 50 calories a month, or getting up 15 minutes earlier every month because it seems like doing what "normal" people do will never work for me.

Thank you a lot for all the sound advice. I feel like this forum is the only place that doesn't suggest me to do crazy stuff.

40 minutes ago, Tale said:

I'm trying to eat two yogurts a day which is like 300 more calories. I also eat ice creams sometimes which I don't really know how many calories is that. I think I eat around 1500 calories now, not really sure the exact number. I also take less magnesium citrate because someone told me that it can make you lose appetite and I was taking A LOT because otherwise I can't go to the bathroom. And so now it's happening again, I can't go to the bathroom at all. And I'm so worried because last summer I spent 3 weeks with no bowel movement (absolutely nothing) and it was quite traumatic. So I'm so scared the same will happen again. As I'm writing this, my belly hurts, but nothing is moving. It's like my intestines are paralyzed because of withdrawal.

@Tale if you're only eating yogurt and ice cream right now I'd really, really recommend that you get some of the meal replacements that @Luke suggested, because they're at least more nutritionally balanced. They're kind of like smoothies or milkshakes, and you can get them in different flavours and stuff. Just give it a shot if you can, I'm sure you can get them delivered if you're unable to leave your house right now.

Given how much you're struggling right now, I wouldn't be too focused on when you're sleeping. If you have to sleep during the day because you can't sleep at night, that's totally fine -- just try to get enough calories & nutrients, and enough rest, regardless of how you do those things.

1 hour ago, Tale said:

And so now it's happening again, I can't go to the bathroom at all. And I'm so worried because last summer I spent 3 weeks with no bowel movement (absolutely nothing) and it was quite traumatic. So I'm so scared the same will happen again. As I'm writing this, my belly hurts, but nothing is moving. It's like my intestines are paralyzed because of withdrawal.

@Tale please consider drinking Magrogel satchets for constipation (Laxido or Movicol brand names in the UK). You can have up to 8 per day if things are severe. They are highly effective and unlike magnesium citrate, only work directly on your bowel fluid balance. The Macrogel is not systemically absorbed at all. Magnesium citrate is absorbed into the bloodstream and travels through every organ system.

38 minutes ago, SarahMc said:

@Tale if you're only eating yogurt and ice cream right now I'd really, really recommend that you get some of the meal replacements that @Luke suggested, because they're at least more nutritionally balanced. They're kind of like smoothies or milkshakes, and you can get them in different flavours and stuff. Just give it a shot if you can, I'm sure you can get them delivered if you're unable to leave your house right now.

Given how much you're struggling right now, I wouldn't be too focused on when you're sleeping. If you have to sleep during the day because you can't sleep at night, that's totally fine -- just try to get enough calories & nutrients, and enough rest, regardless of how you do those things.

I'm not only eating yogurt and ice cream lol. Sorry if it sounded like that. I eat meat, white rice, olive oil and vitamin C supplements and now I also eat yogurt and ice cream. I use to eat closer to 2000 calories, but not anymore... I will consider the shakes then.

14 minutes ago, Sminismoni said:

@Tale please consider drinking Magrogel satchets for constipation (Laxido or Movicol brand names in the UK). You can have up to 8 per day if things are severe. They are highly effective and unlike magnesium citrate, only work directly on your bowel fluid balance. The Macrogel is not systemically absorbed at all. Magnesium citrate is absorbed into the bloodstream and travels through every organ system.

Thank you a lot for the suggestion, Sminismoni. I started reading on it, just to make sure it won't cause me too many problems (you know how in withdrawal we check everything lol). It talks about possible electrolyte imbalance which I've had problems with, but I guess taking so much magnesium was also doing something similar or worse than what this will do, so I guess it's okay. That's really helpful.

I was taking a product that a nutritionist gave me which is called "npro cleanintest" (I'm not advertising anything, I don't even know if it was actually good for me) and I think it gave me diarrhea without taking magnesium anymore. But I don't know if it was hurting me as well because it has a lot of antimicrobials and herbs with antibiotic properties. I took it for a few weeks and I stopped recently, but I haven't gone to the bathroom since stopping this and the magnesium, so idk. Maybe the combination was good for me? But maybe it was too strong and making me feel sick in other ways. People here suggested me to stop, so I guess I should stay away from it for now.

26 minutes ago, Tale said:

I'm not only eating yogurt and ice cream lol. Sorry if it sounded like that. I eat meat, white rice, olive oil and vitamin C supplements and now I also eat yogurt and ice cream. I use to eat closer to 2000 calories, but not anymore... I will consider the shakes then.

Oh ok! I'm glad haha, apologies for the misunderstanding. Might still be worth looking at the shakes just as nutrient supplementation and because they are super high in calories. 💜

3 hours ago, Tale said:

I'm trying to eat two yogurts a day which is like 300 more calories. I also eat ice creams sometimes which I don't really know how many calories is that. I think I eat around 1500 calories now, not really sure the exact number. I also take less magnesium citrate because someone told me that it can make you lose appetite and I was taking A LOT because otherwise I can't go to the bathroom. And so now it's happening again, I can't go to the bathroom at all. And I'm so worried because last summer I spent 3 weeks with no bowel movement (absolutely nothing) and it was quite traumatic. So I'm so scared the same will happen again. As I'm writing this, my belly hurts, but nothing is moving. It's like my intestines are paralyzed because of withdrawal.

I totally agree that not eating enough is making me much worse, but it's like I'm stuck in a cage and the key is outside. I feel trapped. Everything I do stops working after some time because this other thing appears and so then I try to fix this other thing, but fixing that makes something else appear... It's like impossible. Right now I'm literally getting up at 4 pm which is ridiculous, but I've tried 600 different ways to get up earlier and it's literally impossible. Or I'm finally able to fix my sleep somehow, but then I try to wash my hair and my whole body starts shaking because my muscles can't take it and then I just can't get out of bed once again until 4 pm. And if I try to eat more, I can't go to the bathroom and I feel so ill until I lose my appetite completely. I don't know. Maybe I'm just being obtuse and too stubborn. Maybe I just have to do things really slowly, like adding 50 calories a month, or getting up 15 minutes earlier every month because it seems like doing what "normal" people do will never work for me.

Thank you a lot for all the sound advice. I feel like this forum is the only place that doesn't suggest me to do crazy stuff.

@Tale so sorry you're mixed up with so many symptoms, it's indeed very challenging to try to put out a fire while there are 4 others burning at the same time but sometimes it's just impossible with the very limited control we have over the process, I know it's very frustrating and we would like it to be different but please try to take the pressure off yourself and know that the fires will go out on their own, including the food issue, I dare say that if you're not extremely underweight and you manage to reach 1500 calories which sounds like they're still quite varied, you'll survive, it's not ideal and there's room for improvement like the rich nutritional shake that @SarahMc greatly suggested that would fill the missing, same goes for poor digestion which is a very common symptom, unless it's still going weeks with severe pain and you manage to get empty every few days then ok tho I'm sure it's very unpleasant it's not critical and it will get better, fresh/dried plums might help, so please be kind with yourself and when things doesn't work despite your attempts, do your best to let go.

Time is ultimately the most important factor here and it will take care of putting out the remaining fires 🩷

Edited July 21Jul 21 by Fullhealing

Thank you guys for being so kind to me. Sometimes I listen too much to the advice of people that don't know anything about withdrawal just because I'm closer to them in real life. But the advice here always sounds more peaceful and less stressful. I will play a new game and distract myself from all the chaos. Sending you hugs and all the love ❤️

1 hour ago, Tale said:

Thank you guys for being so kind to me. Sometimes I listen too much to the advice of people that don't know anything about withdrawal just because I'm closer to them in real life. But the advice here always sounds more peaceful and less stressful. I will play a new game and distract myself from all the chaos. Sending you hugs and all the love ❤️

Good afternoon Tale, I'm sorry your still dealing with food issues, it took a bit for my system to cooperate but it will get there, eat what yo can and what's tolerable. Yes, I agree with you about people not understanding what our systems go through, it is sometimes discouraging, this forum, is so very kind and understanding. I've learned over time through this process that distractions and encouragement helps where ever you find it. And I have definitely given myself so many pep talks. You are so very strong and resilient, and you will get through this.

11 hours ago, Tale said:

Thank you guys for being so kind to me. Sometimes I listen too much to the advice of people that don't know anything about withdrawal just because I'm closer to them in real life. But the advice here always sounds more peaceful and less stressful. I will play a new game and distract myself from all the chaos. Sending you hugs and all the love ❤️

Distraction is good if you can manage it.

I believe that things will eventually get easier in time, it's very hard but all you must do is do your best to take care of your health to the extent that you can until it does.

1500 calories is low, although it is better than nothing. I'd still recommend getting some shakes just to try to give you more complete nutrition and some more calories ontop of everything you're eating. I'm not qualified in any way but what I do know is that this is very, very hard on our bodies and it needs all the resources it can get to heal.

On 7/21/2026 at 2:17 PM, Tale said:

I eat meat, white rice, olive oil and vitamin C supplements and now I also eat yogurt and ice cream.

I have a question: Your diet, which includes ZERO fiber or plant matter not stripped of it's nutrition - is it based on being the only foods you find palatable? ... or is it based on carnivore diet "anti-nutrient" (all plants and fiber are dangerous to eat) ideology, and thus, it's all you feel safe eating?

Virtually no one could eat solely meat with a side of white rice with olive oil without barfing ... so no doubt you have no appetite. No doubt you have insomnia, are constipated, feel like death etc. ... MOST people would have these symptoms if they ate this diet, especially in a caloric deficit, even if they'd never touched a psych drug in their life - because it's massively nutrient deficient. Maybe we can agree that things as they stand aren't producing the results you're wishing for, so like, maybe reduce the extremeness and try some little additions - a couple prunes or kiwis, a simple vegetable with your rice, parboiled rice (which has a bit more nutrition), nut butter with your ice cream etc.

If you slowly add one of those small food changes per week, you can see how things are going. Your diet just needs to be tweaked ever so slightly and you might see a big difference, and my hope is that once you see the positive changes, you'll explore more changes. I don't think you have anything to lose.

I believe that if one is restrictive dieting, you wanna be REALLY sure that YOU PERSONALLY are actually intolerant to that food - ESPECIALLY if you are restricting entire food groups generally seen as healthy by scientific consensus. That separates personally-focused, fine-tuned nutritional intervention from blanket fads and nonsense. If one's digestive system is shut down from months or years of severe undereating one has no ability whatsoever to make that assessment as most healthy foods might produce symptoms if introduced - which is why you want to do it slow and one at a time.

Forgive me if I'm wildly off the mark and your diet choices are just total nutritional coincidence.

The not being able to eat thing/lack of appetite - this will happen to anyone who eats in a significant caloric deficit (relative to a healthy weight) for a long period. If you do the opposite - taper up your portion sizes and total caloric intake slowly and thus train your stomach stretch receptors to become less sensitive and stop firing panic signals, you'll train your guts to feel safe and happy when full.

I'm glad to hear you're eating more calories and maybe just some small changes can add to that positive momentum.

Edited July 28Jul 28 by N2deep

4 hours ago, N2deep said:

The not being able to eat thing/lack of appetite - this will happen to anyone who eats in a significant caloric deficit (relative to a healthy weight) for a long period. If you do the opposite - taper up your portion sizes and total caloric intake slowly and thus train your stomach stretch receptors to become less sensitive and stop firing panic signals, you'll train your guts to feel safe and happy when full.

I've been in a deficit probably since I was 10, way before I ever took any drug long term, not even HRT. Did I do it on purpose? No. I've never liked food. At least not normal food. I would always crave anything sweet. I got addicted to cookies. I know that sounds weird, but I literally couldn't stop myself. My biggest meals were always the size of a kid's meal. Did my parents show any concern? No. One time I went to the doctor with my mom, and he showed a graphic where it was clear my weight was normal, until it started being below average. He even accused me of having anorexia (I don't). Did my mom do anything about that? No. One time, my mom, my sister and I were at the computer and my mom decided to calculate our BMIs. My sister was "moderately underweight" and I was "severely underweight". Did she freak out? No. You have to understand, I was raised in an environment where barely eating anything was "normal". I never went to other kid's houses to realize anything was wrong. My mom would call herself fat like everyday. I empathize with my past self, because I didn't even realize that I was under-eating. I only learned that a few years ago just because everyone was talking about how thin Ariana Grande was, and I looked the same as her. That's when it clicked for me. I've never felt hunger like everyone else. It's really easy for me to ignore. Maybe we can blame the fact that I've been like this since such a young age. I don't know.

I never had trouble going to the bathroom until I started SSRIs. Maybe being a teenager, my body still could deal with being underweight, or maybe that didn't impact my bowel movements until I took the SSRIs. Who knows. Then I developed the typical IBS pattern or whatever and it was downhill from then. I decided to quit sugar, and I was able to do it for the first time in my life. I started eating more fiber. Did it help? No. It made me feel insanely bloated and in pain. Why would I eat more fiber if I know that's how it makes me feel? I started doing the FODMAP diet and I felt much better, but did it fix the actual problem? No. When I stopped SSRIs, that's when my bowel movements stopped completely. I also lowered my carb consumption at the same time. So it's now impossible to know which one caused what. Then, in 2026 I lost my appetite completely.

You talk about scientific consensus. I literally don't care. I can't. I don't trust them. I don't believe them anymore. I believe what I've felt. I know fiber made me feel really bad. I don't know why I hate 99.9% of the food in the world. I literally tried eating cookies again and they taste disgusting too now. And I don't eat just meat and rice. I eat meat, white rice, olive oil, potatoes, eggs, yogurt. Yes, it might be really restrictive, but whenever I try something else, it tastes disgusting.

I'm pretty sure one of the reasons I've felt like this lately is the pills that my nutritionist gave me. Especially the digestive enzymes. They make me wanna gag and make me feel really unwell. When I stopped taking them, I slowly was able to eat more.

Maybe I've put myself in a cage, and maybe I don't want to leave this cage. I don't know. It's not easy. To make a weird comparison, would you go back to the apartment where you were almost killed? I think many people would never be able to feel safe or okay there. I'm not a strong individual. I've been very sensitive since I was really young. Things affect me a lot and usually permanently. So I've probably developed a really strong aversion to food in this horrible, traumatic journey. That's why I eat what makes me feel safe.

Please don't take my answer personally. I'm just annoyed and frustrated at myself. I don't know if this answers your questions. Thanks for trying to push back though. I appreciate being forced to confront my feelings, although it's something I keep doing constantly on my own.

Thanks for sharing that. I understand how horrible and frustrating it is to have health problems and not receive competent help, or not be believed by the healthcare system, or just receive terrible medical "help" where the remedy turns out being far worse than the original problem (aside the psych drugs) and have it totally destroy your life. And having experienced these things, when I was in my teens to mid-20s I also felt I was on my own, and ALL doctors were jaw-droppingly incompetent (most are) and thus did my share of questionable non-mainstream modalities to try to fix my problems when no one else would help - so don't feel like I'm picking on you ... I'd really just like to see you NOT suffer my fate or length of suffering, and not doing stupid risky things because you want to START LIVING RIGHT NOW is part of that recipe.

Don't take my statement on scientific consensus as "that's what the doctors say". The average doctor's level of acquaintance with science is comparable to an astrologist's understanding of the workings of the universe. That said, while I have a very cynical view on the competence of the average professional of many stripes, when it comes to your health, you really have no choice, you just have to keep looking for that diamond in the rough specialist that stays up to date on current literature, is open-minded, and somewhat empathetic. If they have those rare virtues (in a doctor) I can look past the god-complex. You gotta keep looking because they are out there and you don't want to find out after you went to five or six idiots of the same specialty who all say "we can't fix that" "impossible" etc. and then give up looking ... only to then, a decade and a half later, just by chance go to the seventh specialist of that type for another related issue and ask if they can fix what the other six guys said was impossible only for him to say "no problem, bud, I can fix that up, that's a cinch" .... guess how I know that? ... And that was the timing, unfortunately. That was NOT an insignificant issue let me f---in tell ya - and the problem was not a malady, it was CAUSED ENTIRELY by the first specialist.

So to wrap this up ... just ya know, take a single little plum or prune and be a tough girl and pop it in your mouth and swallow. Everyday take 2 seconds and do that - or whatever sweet fruit you hate the least. Every time you do it just think it's a great way to get back at your mom and triumph over your upbringing (I eat lots, I love food, I ain't fat - that's your mantra) And try to find a colourful vegetable that you hate the least and add it to your rice or potatoes and meat. See it's weird I just can't imagine any reality in which rice and meat isn't made to taste a million times better if made into a stir fry - by way of broccoli, peas, carrots, onions, mushrooms ... and all that or whatever you have over there lol.

Edited July 29Jul 29 by N2deep

I also have a difficult relationship with food, especially dinner. I ate baby food until I was around 11, and lots of unhealthy fried foods. Other foods (at dinner mostly) I would refuse or gag when taking a bite. The taste and texture would be so repulsive, I'd rather just not eat. I would be at the border of being underweight. My parents got so frustrated that they just gave up and starting feeding me fries and fast food most days. When I got older I started eating more things, like rice and spaghetti. But like you I ate very small portions, just enough to silence the hunger, and I often left the table within 10 minutes. Eating for pleasure I can do, but eating for sustenance is a chore. At one point I wanted to gain weight and started dirty bulking and got to a healthy weight. After I started the SSRI's I became vegetarian and started eating and enjoying vegetables and different variety foods. Partly out of neccesity, partly the meds numbing sensations I guess. My relationship to food improved greatly.
After tapering it's like i've done a 180 and I'm back to eating very little, at the border of being underweight again, don't really enjoy food anymore, and very selective about what I eat. Also I live at home, my parents cook and it's the same stuff I've been eating all my life, I think if the food was well-made I would still eat better/more. When I spend time together in some sort of community/facility and eat together at set times, and it goes peacefully, it also encourages me to eat more. But when I'm at home I just can't do it. Without my emotions I'm like a robot with little motivation.
I think the term for it is ARFID. Easiest solution is finding more safe / do-able foods, not just the taste but also texture, temperature, time of day, Also are you sure you don't have some neurological thing caused by like covid or something? When I got covid lots of foods smelled and tasted like burnt skin for weeks. It was horrible, but ultimately went away... I hope you can find some recognition in my post.