58 minutes ago, CharlotteGermany said:

Thank you all so much for your answers. I really want to thank every single one of you. This is very important to me. It’s very kind of you, and I hope my response isn’t too scattered. I never quite know if I can truly convey how I’m doing and what my life looks like right now, but please believe me: there is no way for me to 'cope' in any way. I lie on my sofa day in and day out, unable to move. Maybe I don’t describe it well enough. I don’t know. But I don’t understand why people are still suggesting that coping could be an option for me. I wish it were, but I haven't been able to do anything for months. I am like paralyzed, as if I had already died. All I can do is breathe; that’s all I’m capable of.

 

I strongly suspected that if I wrote about everything I’ve tried recently, you would think that’s why I’m doing so poorly—but no. The truth is, I’ve been lying here for months with my family caring for me. They are afraid I’m going to die, and that fear grows week by week. For eight months, I did nothing except very slowly add the beads. Then I held the dose for several months. Everything just kept getting worse. I don’t want to take any new medications and I didn’t make this decision lightly. But as I said, we had a long family meeting; my family stands completely behind me and has been present for all the conversations with Horowitz, Nicole, Angie, and Anders. They understood everything, yet they said my situation is no longer endurable. Even Horowitz said he could well understand why I want to try 'capping' (covering the symptoms) at this point and gave me several options. I’ve tried everything except neuroleptics; I’m simply too afraid of those. I’m terrified of destabilizing my system further, but the fact that I am at this point now and feeling so terrible has nothing to do with those attempts. This is how I’ve been for months, and it simply cannot go on like this.

 

I would love to go to a clinic, but that is not an option for me or my family. I was there during my first withdrawal and I am still traumatized to this day; they have no idea what they are doing. So please don't get me wrong, I am very grateful for your ideas, but my situation is severe and life-threatening. On most days, I can’t even speak because of my symptoms. I need some form of stabilization. I understand the advice not to change anything anymore, but I followed that for months and I only got worse and worse. That’s why it’s so frustrating to hear that I shouldn’t change anything now. I understand it all, I really do, but I’ve also read many accounts from people who ultimately said that if they hadn't 'capped' the symptoms, they would have died.

 

I wished so much that I could try something and it would help immediately. I know you can’t recommend other things to me. I lie here and scream and cry and scream and cry. Dear Alfred, thank you for your idea. But I wouldn’t dare to split the dose. But how wonderful that you found a way that works for you. What I could imagine, however, is never looking at those beads again. I bought two scales, but they are too inaccurate. The AI tells me that I can’t manage it with any [consumer] scale. It has to be done by a pharmacy because they have the proper equipment. I asked, but they said they won't do it. I have now ordered the scale you suggested and will try one more time. Do you weigh only the beads or the capsule as well? And do you also think going higher is pointless now because there’s just no improvement? But you know, I’m so afraid that my body might not be able to tolerate the Venlafaxine at all anymore and that I can’t heal if I keep taking it. Do you think that’s possible?

Yes, feel free to tell me more about weighing and the pellets. I also read what you wrote about the release, but I really have only very, very few small and large pellets. Most of them are actually medium-sized. And should I still make sure to include both small and large ones? I’m not taking anything else except iron, because my iron level is extremely low. I have stopped taking the Lamotrigine again. Thank you for questioning that once more. I’m just so overwhelmed with everything.

 

I hope you don’t misunderstand my message. I am just so, so, so desperate and I need to get out of this body. But I thank you very much for your replies anyway. It does me good to read your messages, but some things are just really missing the point of my reality and that of my family. I hope you understand that. Iam not able to cope or do nothing. Ive tried that so long. 

Im truly so very sorry @CharlotteGermany it breaks my heart to read this, I wish I could take this pain away from you, it's beyond human suffering, you don't deserve it!! no one does.

I'm not going to offer any coping tools as I see that it is not applicable atm and causes you unnecessary frustration and that's the last thing we all wish for, however, regarding scale, it might be worth checking good quality laboratory one, it is the highest level of accuracy there is, I have one but I am still at 2.62 mg so I haven't reached the level of crumbs/powder but I saw around that it's doing good job on tiny amount of power as well.

I'm all hopeful that relief will come soon, I'll pray for that.

hang in there, we are all here for you.

Edited March 5Mar 5 by Fullhealing

1 hour ago, CharlotteGermany said:

feel free to tell me more about weighing and the pellets. I also read what you wrote about the release, but I really have only very, very few small and large pellets. Most of them are actually medium-sized. And should I still make sure to include both small and large ones?

@FindRest 

Definitely you need to add beads of varying sizes. How many large beads are in a capsule? How many small? How many medium?

Why did you stop the lamotrigine or the other drugs? Again it takes time for them to kick in. 

 

What specifically did each coach suggest?

 

Edited March 5Mar 5 by LostinCanada

On 3/4/2026 at 9:50 AM, LostinCanada said:

all I can say is after my reinstatement, I made absolutely no changes for 7 months despite all the agony. Constant dry heaving, losing 50 pounds due to nausea, endless dizziness, brain fog, involuntary mutism, inability to read, inability to watch tv, balance issues, constant crying, si, do/dr, neuropathy, pacing, anxiety, insomnia, sound Intolerance, vision issues. 

After 3.5 years, some of those persist daily, others come back during waves.

 

Thank you, @LostinCanada, for sharing such a painful and traumatizing part of your life with us. You give so much to this community, including your efforts on SA, when you yourself are hanging onto straws. People often assume that those giving the most must be the ones with fewer symptoms, lesser pain, lesser suffering, and living life much more freely than we are. This is so far from the truth. Moderators, mentors, admin, and people like yourself are usually in that role because they have known great suffering and in most cases, continue to suffer deeply. They’ve just chosen to give back and do what they can to help others in hopes that their words, time, and effort might help someone else suffer less. 
 

I’m sorry you’re still going through so much. Thank you for all you do here and for all of your contributions to SA — in spite of what you’re going through.
 

I hope each of us can remember that help freely given by any member in this community comes at a great cost — paid for not only in the past, but the present as well.

 

 

Edited March 6Mar 6 by FindRest

2 hours ago, FindRest said:

Moderators, mentors, admin, and people like yourself are usually in that role because they have known great suffering and in most cases, continue to suffer deeply. They’ve just chosen to give back and do what they can to help others in hopes that their words, time, and effort might help someone else suffer less. 
 

I’m sorry you’re still going through so much. Thank you for all you do here and for all of your contributions to SA — in spite of what you’re going through.
 

I hope each of us can remember that help freely given by any member in this community comes at a great cost — paid for not only in the past, but the present as well.

This is so well said….giving back and expressing beautiful words of kindness really help forums like this flourish.…this journey is harder than any of us could have imagined…

Love you  @FindRest for being here despite all you have went through and are going through as well.

 

I am so thankful for your presence here. A big thanks to @Luke and @Chippy and all those who keep giving. ❤️🙏

Edited March 6Mar 6 by LostinCanada

Hi @CharlotteGermany

 

Just wanted to stop by and extend my sincere and heart felt sorrow for all you are going through at the moment.

 

As you know we are not medical professionals, and can only offer our thoughts in the hope that this might help offer some support and talking points which you can use, with your health care professional, to inform what steps to take next about your care.

 

To finalise our collective thoughts:

 

-We would suggest making no further changes to your drugs or dose.

-We would suggest you start weighing your beads. This process should automatically select a variety of sizes and help keep your dose consistent from day to day.

-We would suggest you hold at this dose for many many months. This is likely how long it will take to start to see some improvements and stability.

-We suggest you look into non drug coping skills like acceptance to help you whilst you stabilise. These skills ARE for people in extreme places of suffering like yourself.

-We cannot suggest more drugs to try, it isn't what we do on here unfortunately.

-If you are feeling suicidal we would suggest you seek professional help to keep you safe. We cannot offer this service on here unfortunately as this is just a peer support forum.

 

If you don't think any of this advice applies to you then feel free to disregard it. Perhaps seeking more help from a professional body or Dr Horowitz again might be your next step.

 

I'm thinking of you and your family at this really difficult time. Time is your friend and eventually, if left alone, your CNS will settle, nothing lasts forever.

 

Chippy

Thank you so, so much for the answers and thank you so much for the support. I am also very grateful, truly. I am just so overwhelmed with my situation and I simply had to say it once: unfortunately, I am unable to apply any coping strategies. For me, it is a matter of life and death. Unfortunately, every coach has said something different. Nicole thought I should increase to 10 mg; Anders thought I should increase the dose because my body might be craving the substance, or decrease it because my body might not be able to tolerate it anymore; Horowitz said he wouldn't change the dose further and gave me some ideas for 'capping' it. Angie doesn't give recommendations, so I am very confused. I had to go back down with the beads. I am now at 12. I think going up made everything much worse. I can't stand it in this body anymore. I stopped taking the Lamotrigine again. I know it was way too short, but that would never have helped me, I know that. I opened a 37.5 capsule. There are only four small beads inside. There are no large ones at all, only some that are a bit more misshapen. What do I do with them? I ordered a scale. How do you weigh them? With the capsule or without? It didn't work with the last two scales. Thank you for your help

I've been on the same dose for several months, and everything has been getting worse. What does it mean? 

Maybe is it possible that I no longer tolerate Venlafaxine at all and that it needs to get out of my system? I can’t tell you how awful I feel. Should I go back down from 12 to 8 beads?

I have been following your thread closely. I 100% understand your inability to apply coping strategies. When I am in my deepest mental symptoms I can't either - my brain won't allow me to (sounds weird, but that's how it is, even physical strategies are "blocked"). 

 

However, so many long term warriors on this forum have given consistent advice not to change anything. But now you say you've gone back down from 14 beads to 12 beads, and you've been on and off Lamotrigine in recent weeks as well. 

 

All the coaches and advice givers are stabbing in the dark, even Mark H. You must listen to deep down in your heart. Based on your trajectory so far, the evidence suggests that the changes are making things worse, or at least not better. Think about a broken leg - it needs a stable splint or cast. It doesn't need you to take the cast on and off, rub ointment into it, try walking on it etc. It needs stability and time to heal. That's what the body does. 

 

Please focus on getting psychological and physical support, not more fixes. I get reflexology once a week and see a therapist. Neither intervention can change the withdrawal trajectory. But I love my reflexologist because she cares, not because she can change this. And that means a lot. 

How much is one bead? Why are you afraid to switch to 2x/12h? The worst thing that can happen is that it does not help. You can also switch gradually. For example 1b evening, 11b morning...then 2b evening, 10b morning...then 3b evening, 9 b morning and so on.

4 hours ago, Sminismoni said:

I have been following your thread closely. I 100% understand your inability to apply coping strategies. When I am in my deepest mental symptoms I can't either - my brain won't allow me to (sounds weird, but that's how it is, even physical strategies are "blocked"). 

 

However, so many long term warriors on this forum have given consistent advice not to change anything. But now you say you've gone back down from 14 beads to 12 beads, and you've been on and off Lamotrigine in recent weeks as well. 

 

All the coaches and advice givers are stabbing in the dark, even Mark H. You must listen to deep down in your heart. Based on your trajectory so far, the evidence suggests that the changes are making things worse, or at least not better. Think about a broken leg - it needs a stable splint or cast. It doesn't need you to take the cast on and off, rub ointment into it, try walking on it etc. It needs stability and time to heal. That's what the body does. 

 

Please focus on getting psychological and physical support, not more fixes. I get reflexology once a week and see a therapist. Neither intervention can change the withdrawal trajectory. But I love my reflexologist because she cares, not because she can change this. And that means a lot. 

 

Nice post @Sminismoni.

 

@CharlotteGermany have you been following the advice of any of the "coaches", or any other specific plan? There appear to have been large amounts of dose changes that don't match any of them (unless I'm missing the link?), and there also appear to be additional drugs that are not in your signature.

Hello, could you please tell me more about the beads, their size, and how I should handle the weighing process? That would be a huge help. As I mentioned, there are only 4 small beads inside, a few deformed ones, and the rest are medium-sized.

Yes, I have taken the advisors' suggestions seriously. According to Sorenson, I was supposed to treat it as an experiment and either go up or down [with the dose]. But now, everything has become unbearable. Nicole's idea was also to keep increasing the dose, which I tried, but it’s not working.

Could you please address my question: Is it possible that this drug simply needs to get out of my body because I can no longer tolerate it? As I said, even before I started these attempts, my condition was getting worse and worse. That’s the only reason I came up with the 'stupid' idea to try these things in the first place—because it was already deteriorating.

So, is it possible that I just don't tolerate it anymore? Is that a possibility? And if so, what do I do then? Over the months, it just kept getting worse without me changing anything. What am I supposed to do? I am screaming and crying. I’m lying here on my sofa, begging for help. My body is in so much pain and the akathisia is so, so intense.

19 minutes ago, CharlotteGermany said:

: Is it possible that this drug simply needs to get out of my body because I can no longer tolerate it?

It is possible the drug had reached tolerance. Either way there is only one way off and that is slowly.

Even if this is the case, the fact you crashed shows you were tapering too fast. Updosing is the recommended way to reach stability.

It is up to you to decide what to do. There are no guarantees. 

As Anders said, it is an experiment....it is impossible to predict outcomes. These drugs are not linear or logical.

You will have to make your decision based on the information given. Please read the links and information previously given on SA and here.

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/7562-about-reinstating-and-stabilizing-to-reduce-withdrawal-symptoms/?tab=comments#comment-33809

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/4244-how-long-does-it-take-to-stabilize-after-reinstating-or-updosing/

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/27800-hypersensitivity-and-kindling/#comment-610557

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/437-tolerance-or-poop-out-or-tachyphylaxis/?do=findComment&comment=4328

 

 

On 3/6/2026 at 6:19 AM, CharlotteGermany said:

I've been on the same dose for several months, and everything has been getting worse. What does it mean? 

 

Quote

Over the months, it just kept getting worse without me changing anything

According to your posts here and former posts on SA, this is not accurate. I’ve read through both threads and note that you’ve made changes every month since you joined SA in Oct of 2025. Sometimes, you’ve made multiple changes in a month. Not only that, you’ve added and subtracted at least 4 new drugs this year alone. Your brain has had no consistency, only disruption. Your recent 15% reduction in Effexor, only added to this. 
 

 

On 3/6/2026 at 6:22 AM, CharlotteGermany said:

is it possible that I no longer tolerate Venlafaxine at all

I believe it’s more likely that your system NO LONGER TOLERATES CHANGE.

 

1 hour ago, CharlotteGermany said:

 

Hello, could you please tell me more about the beads, their size, and how I should handle the weighing process?

Right now I wouldn’t worry about the bead sizes, as counting then weighing should be enough for now. Aurobindo is made a bit differently than Effexor XR, so bead sizes aren’t that drastic. @Chippy already gave you a link here for how to weigh a dose. Here’s another link from SA that will give you tips on using your scale. It’s important you read at least the first few posts.

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/1596-using-a-scale-to-weigh-and-measure-doses/

 

In addition to the above, you’ll:

1) count your number of beads (I’d avoid the few small ones for now unless you need them to meet your weight)

2) weigh them without capsule, write down the weight

3) put counted beads in their original capsule or get empty capsules online and use them

4) create several more doses, making sure each of them weigh the same. When switching out beads to meet your weight, make sure you always end up with the same number of beads.

 

Read through the weighing thread. There are ways to minimize random weight changes on the scale. After recalibrating my scale, I put the tray on the scale, tare it, add my 10g weight (came with scale) to the tray, add my beads, and weigh. Change whatever beads out to try and reach your target weight without changing the number of beads. Re-weigh. Repeat all these steps for each dose, with the exception of recalibrating. That should be done at the beginning of each session, then if your scale begins to act strangely while preparing more doses the same day, recalibrate it again. I make one week’s worth of doses at a time.

Edited March 7Mar 7 by FindRest

On 3/5/2026 at 2:11 PM, CharlotteGermany said:

I’m not taking anything else except iron, because my iron level is extremely low.

If your iron and/or ferritin is “extremely low”, this can absolutely be adding to your symptoms — sometimes mimicking ones similar to akathisia. It can cause inner agitation, memory issues, internal vibrations, apathy, and even restless legs. Iron is a cofactor in dopamine synthesis, so low iron means low dopamine function. For me, it also caused burning feet and hands, hair falling out, nails crumbling, electric shocks in my limbs, and lethargy. I had to get two iron infusions in November. Iron supplements were not enough. What are your current iron levels including: Iron, ferritin, TIBC, %Saturation?

 

13 hours ago, CharlotteGermany said:

Could you please address my question

 

I am trying, but as I said, it is not clear what drugs you are taking and have taken in recent months and it is difficult to answer targeted questions on the way your body is metabolising various drugs when this is unclear.

 

Taking a range of quite different suggestions seriously doesn't tell us what drugs you have and have not been taking and when.

dear @Kategorie: LostinCanadaThank you so much for all the links. I’ve read a lot again now, but it’s still not entirely clear to me. As you already said, I can’t really know for sure. Would you rather keep taking it or taper off slowly? I really feel like opinions are really divided on this. Many say to stay on it and maintain calm at all costs, and some say it has to come out of the body, healing can only happen once it’s gone. This is really so hard for me.

 

dear @FindRest Thank you for checking again, but I really remember it differently. Yes, I increased the dose once more, I think at the beginning of December, because that was also advised to me here. It was repeatedly recommended here to keep going up. So yes, those were changes, but they were also clearly recommended by the forum. Then things calmed down for a while, but it still kept getting worse, and that’s why I said I had to do something. It’s just so, so hard to figure out what is really the right thing. And yes, even the advisors don’t know. Nicole still talks about a possible threshold, from 10 mg. But I can’t try that, it would be far too dangerous. And someone else says maybe it has to come out, if it’s kindling. I’ve never read anywhere that it has to come out if it’s kindling, rather that stability is the right and important thing. What’s your opinion on that? And thank you so, so much for the tips about the scale — I will follow all of that exactly. Really, thank you so much for that. My iron or ferritin level, isn’t that the same? It was 13 in November. Since then I’ve been taking iron supplements. If I’m able to, I wanted to do another blood test next month. I unfortunately can’t answer the other questions you asked me about iron. I don’t have that information.

 

dear @LukasSo the changes I made were: first, increasing the Venlafaxine from 8 to 10, then to 12, then for a few days to 14, and then back to 12. I tried Lamotrigine for three days. About three weeks ago, I think, I tried Mirtazapine for four days. The others were Propranolol a few times and Hydroxyzine once. But somehow it’s too simple to say that it’s all because of these attempts. I could imagine they play a role, but the deteriorations came before, from month to month and week to week, which is why these attempts happened in the first place.

Have you experienced any positive changes or improvements since your crash in June 2025, and then reinstating?

Hey Luke, no, unfortunately nothing at all. Since the beginning, there have been days every few weeks where I don’t experience akathisia. These moments make everyone here breathe a sigh of relief because, for once, I’m able to speak instead of just lying in the corner screaming and crying. On a good day, I can even manage to walk a few meters outside. But this has been the case from the start and is unfortunately very rare.

All the other symptoms remain: anhedonia, DP/DR (depersonalization/derealization), memory loss, cognitive impairment, and so on. So no, sadly nothing has changed. I wish for it so, so much. Every single day I pray for a miracle, that things will get at least a little easier—for me, but also for my family.

I used to be a very active young woman who had her life pretty much under control and who desperately wanted to get pregnant. Now, I spend most of the day lying down, and my family has created a care schedule to determine who looks after me and when, to give my boyfriend a break. I cannot put into words how tragic and horrific all of this is.

When the akathisia is gone for a couple of days, everyone here walks on eggshells because we all hope so intensely that it stays away and that the baseline might finally change. But it doesn’t. Then it starts all over again. From 'pre-hell' to 'hell' and back. And even in 'pre-hell,' only tiny tasks like showering are possible. It’s been like this for nine months now.

My feeling is that continuing to increase the dose and add further drugs is not helping you, and I would avoid continuing to try more of them.

 

You've continued to add beads considerably beyond what Mark recommended, is there a reason for this? February should have been 5 beads, but it's 14? It doesn't seem like it's helping and more and more dose changes and additional drugs keep getting thrown into the mix.

 

I understand that you're desperately seeking a quick fix, but doing so can be very risky. My feeling is that stabilisation is unlikely if you add and remove 4 new drugs in a few months whilst also adding more and more venlafaxine as well.

I need to stress that I only tried these meds because I couldn't stand it anymore. The akathisia is so severe that it’s literally a life-or-death situation for me—I wanted to try everything possible before giving up on life. Also, Mark didn't put it that way. I followed Nicole’s and SA’s advice to go higher; that was the recommendation I kept getting from them.

16 hours ago, CharlotteGermany said:

I need to stress that I only tried these meds because I couldn't stand it anymore. The akathisia is so severe that it’s literally a life-or-death situation for me—I wanted to try everything possible before giving up on life. Also, Mark didn't put it that way. I followed Nicole’s and SA’s advice to go higher; that was the recommendation I kept getting from them.

 

I know what it is like to require care and be bedridden and housebound for an extended period of time with these symptoms.

 

I can only see what you have written, your signature says: 

Sept 2025 – Mark Horowitz Meeting (He suggested adding 1 bead per month until 6 beads)

Oct 2025 – 3 Beads (Joined SA)

Feb 2025 – 14 Beads

 

I am putting quite a lot of effort into trying to understand your situation, what you plan to do next and how we might be able to share our thoughts on that, but it is very difficult to do that if the information you provide is unclear and if I ask about it, it remains unclear.

 

What is clear to me is that introducing further drugs does not seem to be helping and this is something observed time and time again in prescribed harm support groups such as SA. If I were you, I'd avoid it in the future- 4 drugs have not helped, I personally doubt the 5th will be the magic one that makes it all go away.

 

You have two other choices, which are to hope you stabilise on this dose eventually (which means sticking to it for an extended period of time, not days nor weeks), or if you feel that being on the drug is extending the harm being done to you, a slow taper off and then staying off (again for an extended period of time).

 

If you feel that other than these two options there are other choices available to you, by all means please share them and we can discuss our thoughts on them.

 

Hey Luke, thanks for your message. I don’t want to withhold or hide any information. It’s just that I’m doing so incredibly poorly that every single message here takes so much strength, and I also don’t know what difference it’s supposed to make. Everything is hopeless anyway. My life is over. There is nothing left. I’m going to rot away on this sofa or die at some point.

Mark said at the beginning that he would go up to 7 pellets, and if nothing happened by then, he would stop. When we told him about the conversation with Nicole and about this threshold in the higher range, he said he could imagine that being an option, but he was very unsure about it. Most recently, he recommended staying at the current dose.

I’m right there with you. I also doubt that anything can help me anymore. But sometimes I think that before I kill myself, I should try one more thing.

I’ve read about your situation, and I’m so sorry that you have to suffer and have suffered so much. Being bedbound seems to be a parallel, as well as this terrible fatigue and insomnia, but otherwise, our cases seem very, very different. I only say that because I’m convinced that withdrawal is not just one place, but very, very diverse. I mainly have massive psychological symptoms that are so extreme that I will probably need several long years. I just don’t have any strength left.

29 minutes ago, CharlotteGermany said:

Everything is hopeless anyway. My life is over. There is nothing left. I’m going to rot away on this sofa or die at some point.

please remember, that this is a story your brain tells you, that "everything is gonna be over and nothing is left" and bla bla bla. this is only a story, and not a factual reality, it's common in this state to be thinking like that.

you are extremely ill the moment, that much is true, but please try to notice whenever your brain tries to tell you these false stories that are not factual, nobody can know what will happen, there is a chance in 1 year you will be much better than now.

try to change your core mindset (even with the withdrawal effects), "I am sick and I'm going to do the best I can and let the body go through what it needs to".

Edited March 26Mar 26 by Lighty