20/7/26 - It's been another 8 days and I'll add you journal again. Everything has been ok this week. I kind of just accepted this my life for the moment and hope to get better soon.

I had an appointment with Dr Mark Horowitz who specialises with antidepressants withdrawal as a psychiatrist and is a well known specialist in the space. My brother made an appointment and paid alot for an hour of his time to try and help me.

He was very understanding and gave me lots of information on what to do. He gave me 3 options:

1. Time. Wait it out and try to see if you improve.

2. Try a very low dose reinstatement like 0.1mg of Lexapro and see if it reduces the OCD enough to function. Can increase until you stabilise and get some sort of control with the cleaning and hand washing.

3. If SI becomes real, any means necessary like using different meds to reduce the suffering. Does not recommend unless life is on the line and no options left.

He did suggest that since my OCD was the original condition and it has returned each time I came off meds, a low dose reinstatement is good to try if it becomes unbearable.

I really like speaking to Dr Horowitz since he also had withdrawal from Lexapro and had first hand experience with reinstatement as well. Really gave me alot more confidence and I felt heard.

At this point, I am washing my hands and cleaning everything for 2 to 5 hours a day so at this point my suffering is really high with my contamination OCD and therefore I am really considering the reinstatement to at least help a little.

In regards to other symptoms, my skin issues and constipation are still a major problem and it has affected my quality of life. Nothing else really changes and I can't really see myself dealing with this for years.

That's the update for the week. I will do my research for the reinstatement and see how it goes. Still need to order syringes and learn how to measure out the liquid Lexapro before even trying to reinstate. It's very confusing as I have to mix it in water and try to get the right 0.1mg dose. I won't be reinstating this week but at least do my research first.

Thanks for reading this long post. See you next week hopefully.

@ExLexaBro In the past how much therapy have you had for your OCD? Have you had a good crack at ERP? Is it an option to do this again?

9 minutes ago, Sminismoni said:

@ExLexaBro In the past how much therapy have you had for your OCD? Have you had a good crack at ERP? Is it an option to do this again?

Hi @Sminismoni . Yes I have seen many psychologist and I have done alot of OCD therapy and seen specialists in OCD. Hasn't really helped too much. I'm currently seeing 2 psychologist with one specialising in OCD and one for autism. Both are doing ERP and my OCD is still really bad.

ERP only works if you can reduce you compulsions. I have so many compulsions that it's hard to build ERP hierarchy for every OCD I have.

So yes I've been doing ERP therapy for 15 years on and off meds. Doesn't do as much as I would like.

12 minutes ago, ExLexaBro said:

Yes I have seen many psychologist and I have done alot of OCD therapy and seen specialists in OCD. Hasn't really helped too much. I'm currently seeing 2 psychologist with one specialising in OCD and one for autism. Both are doing ERP and my OCD is still really bad.

Hi ExLexaBro.

That OCD really sounds rough, I can understand why you would be desperate for relief.

I know the official system mostly utilizes drugs and talk therapy as treatment, but have you tried looking elsewhere? Acupuncture, Massage therapy, IFS, Somatic Experiencing, Hypnosis, Cranio Sakral, Yoga, Mindfulness, Cold water therapy, Exercise, Diets etc.

I have seen around 4 different talk therapists in my life, and I honestly find this approach very limited and a bit backwards in terms of how our nervous systems work.

@ExLexaBro There is evidence that rTMS can help with treatment refractory OCD. Just so you are aware, although it is financially out of reach for many.

@ExLexaBro if you're having ok weeks at this sort of timeframe I'd lean away from reinstatement personally.

Have you always spent that amount of time cleaning? There is at least some chance that withdrawal is making your OCD considerably worse.

@ExLexaBro Sorry to read you are struggling with OCD still. If you think it is significantly worse due to WD and you decide to try a small RI we can help you unpack the dilution etc just let us know.

22 hours ago, Cloudy4ever said:

Hi ExLexaBro.

That OCD really sounds rough, I can understand why you would be desperate for relief.

I know the official system mostly utilizes drugs and talk therapy as treatment, but have you tried looking elsewhere? Acupuncture, Massage therapy, IFS, Somatic Experiencing, Hypnosis, Cranio Sakral, Yoga, Mindfulness, Cold water therapy, Exercise, Diets etc.

I have seen around 4 different talk therapists in my life, and I honestly find this approach very limited and a bit backwards in terms of how our nervous systems work.

@Cloudy4ever . Yes tried lots of natural therapies to help OCD. Nothing really helps. Tried every supplement in the book and different forms of mindfulness/TMS machines that really help for a day but your brain goes back to its normal compulsions a day after.

3 hours ago, Luke said:

@ExLexaBro if you're having ok weeks at this sort of timeframe I'd lean away from reinstatement personally.

Have you always spent that amount of time cleaning? There is at least some chance that withdrawal is making your OCD considerably worse.

@Luke No it only happens after coming and off meds and before meds. My OCD was terrible which is why I went on meds in the first place. Washing and cleaning for hours a day. Bleeding hands avoiding places has been my issues as well.

Dr Horowitz also acknowledge that withdrawal is making my OCD worse but he was balancing my suffering now verses some relief from RI. He suggested super low dose to try to help me.

I don't know how much more suffering I can take at this point.

1 hour ago, Chippy said:

@ExLexaBro Sorry to read you are struggling with OCD still. If you think it is significantly worse due to WD and you decide to try a small RI we can help you unpack the dilution etc just let us know.

Thanks @Chippy . So Dr Horowitz explained like this. I have 20mg/ml liquid Lexapro. He wants me to mix it will 199ml of water to make 200ml and then draw 1 ml of the solution for 0.1mg of Lexapro.

I'm confused on how to get exactly 199ml of water and then what do Indo about the rest of the solution since I only use 1ml of the mixed solution. Do I make batches and store it in the fridge?

Please help me if that makes sense.

21 hours ago, ExLexaBro said:

Thanks @Chippy . So Dr Horowitz explained like this. I have 20mg/ml liquid Lexapro. He wants me to mix it will 199ml of water to make 200ml and then draw 1 ml of the solution for 0.1mg of Lexapro.

Perfect

21 hours ago, ExLexaBro said:

I'm confused on how to get exactly 199ml of water and then what do Indo about the rest of the solution since I only use 1ml of the mixed solution.

I would buy a set of syringes of the same brand and use a combination of them to draw up the water. So perhaps:

-150ml water with a 50ml syringe

-40ml water with a 20ml syringe

-9ml water with a 10ml syringe

-1ml drug with a 1ml syringe

-Draw your dose with a 1ml syringe

21 hours ago, ExLexaBro said:

Do I make batches and store it in the fridge?

I would not make up too much just the 200ml is fine and yes in the fridge. However I think it is best to make it fresh and discard. Perhaps if you are going to keep it, just keep it for a few days (4...) and not until you have used it all.

If you want/need to be more economical with the drug you can make a smaller batch so you waste less drug. I can help if that is needed.

22 hours ago, ExLexaBro said:

@Luke No it only happens after coming and off meds and before meds. My OCD was terrible which is why I went on meds in the first place. Washing and cleaning for hours a day. Bleeding hands avoiding places has been my issues as well.

Dr Horowitz also acknowledge that withdrawal is making my OCD worse but he was balancing my suffering now verses some relief from RI. He suggested super low dose to try to help me.

I don't know how much more suffering I can take at this point.

Only you can really decide whether that is right for you, we can give you our thoughts but we're not living your life.

I would say that having better weeks is a good sign you're improving, it's whether you feel that you can carry on and get to a point where you've had further improvements. It's difficult to say how much of it is withdrawal, but definitely some of it is and I wouldn't be surprised if far more of your OCD is withdrawal than it seems.

If you do decide to reinstate, I hope it goes well and that you can tolerate it okay.

@Chippy has given plenty of good advice, the only thing I'd add is that if you try reinstating, I'd urge you to be patient and give the dose you start on some time to work, and don't keep increasing and changing doses around. Slow and steady.

5/8/26 - It's been 2 weeks and I decided to take a break from this forum as some of the horror stories was affecting my mental health. Today also marks exactly 15 months off Lexapro and I have been in withdrawal for most of the time.

As for a quick update, I have brought the syringes and measuring tools for possible reinstatement as mentioned in my last post. I have yet to try it as I am scared of kindling and I am just practicing at the moment.

The possibility of having a solution that could help me makes my anxiety lower and my OCD lower which is nice and not just having time as an option really helps my mental health. If I plan to reinstate, I will let you know when and how it goes.

Other than that my symptoms remain the same. My OCD is the worst part and I am constantly cleaning and doing compulsions to alleviate my anxiety which so wrong but Ifeel like I need to do it. Other remaining withdrawal symptoms are constipation, skin issues, depression, anxiety and throbbing brain.

If I can get my OCD under control, I feel like I don't need meds as this was the original issue and I need something to control it or else it becomes all consuming.

Hopefully things will get better soon. I hear people say that you turn a corner at 18 to 24 months so I pray to God this happens for me. I don't want to spend years in protracted withdrawal like I did the first time and ended up back on meds anyways.

Lets see how it goes. Bye for now.

13 hours ago, ExLexaBro said:

It's been 2 weeks and I decided to take a break from this forum as some of the horror stories was affecting my mental health.

We understand and we are here for you when you need. You must do what you think is best for you.

13 hours ago, ExLexaBro said:

he possibility of having a solution that could help me makes my anxiety lower and my OCD lower which is nice and not just having time as an option really helps my mental health. If I plan to reinstate, I will let you know when and how it goes.

Ok, well let us know how that goes if you do decide.

14 hours ago, ExLexaBro said:

Hopefully things will get better soon. I hear people say that you turn a corner at 18 to 24 months so I pray to God this happens for me. I don't want to spend years in protracted withdrawal like I did the first time and ended up back on meds anyways.

Time lines are tricky however given enough time I believe you will improve.

Hi All,

6/9/26 - Sorry for not updating this long. It has been over a month and I have low energy which has been difficult due to my OCD issues. I am now at over 16 months in antidepressants protracted withdrawal which is a huge milestone as I didn't think I would be alive this long especially during the early phases. I am still having lots of SI everyday but I know that is withdrawal brain and not me so I am trying not to give in to the thoughts.

While I haven't spoken much here, I feel like I have made some improvements with my OCD which is my main issue still. I have still some rumination and compulsions that I do with cleaning but I have been able to resist them more.

It still take a lot of my day and leaves me with little energy but I don't care as much as I am using acceptance as a way to get through it.

The current problem is my OCD is affecting my personal hygiene and it makes it hard to function. I only shower every four days and I have constipation which means I also poop every four days. These are the two main problems I have as it makes my OCD worse and I feel dirty which makes me more depressed and hating my life.

I also have trouble leaving the house with my agoraphobia and now I am pretty much housebound but I have support workers helping with daily living tasks until I can get myself well again. My brother is covering my rent which I don't like but I can't work and I only get disability benefits which isn't that much so he is helping with some funds until hopefully I recover.

I am trying to get it under control but with my OCD fears and lack of energy, it has been hard to find the willpower to get through my thoughts and fears. I am working on this with 2 psychologists who both say I have one of severe cases of OCD they have seen and that makes me sad too.

I have been thinking about reinstatements as well but I am scared about kindling and getting worse. I know getting on a small dose of Lexapro is the only way to go but I feel like I need a big dose to quiet my mind and control my OCD like before so I don't really want side effects with zero benefit. I also wouldn't survive getting worse and would probably end my life if kindling did occur. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place anology fits well for my current situation.

My current goal is just to survive until my birthday which is October 21st so I hope I will still be alive when that day comes.

I think this is all I can write at this point. I will update once a month if I have the energy but if not, you can just leave a message and I will get back to you when I am around.

Thanks for reading.

Hey @ExLexaBro, thanks for this update. I think it’s really, really positive that you’ve noticed some improvements with your OCD. I know things are still very hard for you, but having noticeable improvements is a big deal! And more will come.

Always remember that the severity of your OCD right now is due to withdrawal. So when your psychologists say this is the worst they seen, they’re talking about the person affected by severe withdrawal, not the real you underneath. As the withdrawal symptoms ease, things will continue to get better, plus you’ll have added new coping skills that will help you even more.

You’ve got this 😊

@ExLexaBro I think if your main issue is improving over time, reinstatement is not the best course of action for you, and that you're better off continuing to give it time and hoping for more slow improvements.

These are just my thoughts.

I also very much agree with what @SarahMc said- you're not really you due to the harm these drugs have done so it's important not to be disheartened. Those psychologists are likely unaware of how these drugs can affect people when things go wrong.

@ExLexaBro just popping by to send some love. Things improving is a great sign. This is not who you are, not at all, this is an injury, one you will heal from. Glad your Brother is so supportive, thats amazing. Love that bond. You are stronger than you know, you have totally got this.

Hi All,

6/10/26 - I am back again after another month. I can only update every month as I have low energy due to my OCD taking up a lot of my time and energy.

So an update on my situation:

OCD is still my main issue and original issue that is causing me most grief. I spend hours doing compulsions and ruminating which has been making my life difficult and has been hell tbh.

It feels like my brain is creating fake thoughts and situations that force to ruminate and will not leave me alone until I try to fix it. I spend hours just in high anxiety and I feel like dying some dwys. Some days I wish that I died but my brother is the only reason I keep going.

Gut issues seem to improve here and there. One time this month I went to the bathroom 3 times in a row over 3 days without the use of laxatives or prune juice which was a surprise. It has now returned to the usual constipation and I need something like prune juice to get it going after 3 or 4 days. I think the reason I used to not have constipation is inside to have coffee every day and now that I have stopped due to withdrawals, I no longer can go normally which has been sad.

Self care has improved just due to will power. I now shower every 3 days and use the toilet every 3 days. I am trying to get my haircut which I haven't done in almost 8 months due to anxiety and just not washing myself enough and I feel dirty which makes me more anxious about seeing other people especially for my haircut. I want to get it done soon or else it's just going to get worse and worse.

I just feel like my brain needs the medication to quiet the mind. I just feel like my mind has no brakes and it will not listen to logic or let me be not stressed out when the OCD hits. It makes me non functional and it's been 17 months of non functional which has been terrible.

My goal is to survive to my birth which is in 15 days so I probably will hit my goal. Hopefully things change soon. I only hold on to hope that 18 to 24 months some people turn a corner.

This is all I can remember to write. I will be on and off here when I have the energy and not spent with my OCD problems.

Thanks for reading of you got this far.

5 minutes ago, ExLexaBro said:

It feels like my brain is creating fake thoughts and situations that force to ruminate and will not leave me alone until I try to fix it. I spend hours just in high anxiety and I feel like dying some dwys. Some days I wish that I died but my brother is the only reason I keep going.

It's good to remember thoughts are only thoughts, and try to catch yourself in the loops, and remember they aren't real, as well as accept the thoughts, acceptance is key really.

Have you taken a look at some coping skills threads or not yet ?

I believe in you ❣️

24 minutes ago, ExLexaBro said:

I just feel like my brain needs the medication to quiet the mind. I just feel like my mind has no brakes and it will not listen to logic or let me be not stressed out when the OCD hits. It makes me non functional and it's been 17 months of non functional which has been terrible.

I thought I was pretty unfunctional too but when I really look back, there was a lot that I was able to accomplish. I'm sure you have too, it's just the looping thoughts prevent you from really seeing the forest from the trees. This will improve over time as long as you don't reinstate or take any other substances.

16 hours ago, Lighty said:

It's good to remember thoughts are only thoughts, and try to catch yourself in the loops, and remember they aren't real, as well as accept the thoughts, acceptance is key really.

Have you taken a look at some coping skills threads or not yet ?

I believe in you ❣️

Hi Lighty,

Yes I have seen the coping skills but it's just hard with OCD. My issue is that it isn't only thoughts but they force me to do compulsions which is a physical action and takes a lot of my time and energy. Also emotionally makes me feel terrible.

Been using acceptance but somedays are harder than others to do this especially being at 17 months mark off meds.