Hello,

I am a 21 year old college student who is currently six months off of all psychiatric medications. My main issue has always been anxiety. I’ve always been a sensitive guy, very in tune with emotions and social dynamics. This was very challenging as a young kid, and eventually landed me a prescription for Prozac. I’m currently recovering from stopping medication, which I had been on for my entire teenage life. Here’s my story.

I was prescribed Prozac at age 13 after I developed significant anxiety issues. A severe stomach flu left me paranoid about GI symptoms, and I spent a whole summer constantly monitoring my body for any signs of getting sick again. I began having trouble going to school as well. After landing in the doctors office, I was told I have a chronic anxiety disorder. There’s no cure, but there’s medication to take that can help it. With my Dad being a physician, if there was a pill to fix something, I was gonna take it. It just made sense to my 13 year old self.

After a while, the Prozac seemed to work. By the end of the school year, I forgot about all of it. I was absolutely fine for two years, and eventually stopped taking the meds. It was all behind me.

After the COVID pandemic quieted down in 2021, my family went on a spring break trip. After travel stress and too much caffeine, I had a panic attack. I immediately knew my issues had returned. I went on the meds immediately and managed to recover again after a few months forcing myself to do things, no matter how I felt. I stuck with Prozac for the rest of my time in high school.

When I started college, I went through a period of horrible anxiety after moving into the dorms. Looking back, it was homesickness, but manifested as anxiety. I got adjusted eventually, made friends, and was fine by October.

Fast forward to spring break 2024, I decided to have some friends over and had a fun night with some weed involved. I had quite a bit, but was enjoying it. However, the next day, I was completely bent out of shape. Complete primal terror. I’d had panic attacks on weed before, but never had it mess me up the next day. It took three whole days of soul-crushing torment before I opened up to my parents about what happened. They weren’t mad, I was just being a normal college student. But the issues didn’t go away. In hindsight, this definitely could’ve been a case of serotonin syndrome from how much weed I had.

At a hotel stay a few days later, I had my first intrusive thought. I was standing high up on the balcony of our hotel room and had a thought along the lines of, “You could die if you jumped from here. It’s entirely possible. Do you want to?” It scared me to my core. Similar thoughts began looping at random moments, but I went on as best I could. Back at school, my GP switched me from Prozac to Lexapro, at the enormous dose of 30mg. For reference, the max therapeutic dose is 20mg. I was absolutely swimming in serotonin. My issues remained, but I somehow survived the semester. Coming back upstate for the summer, my anxiety eased and I settled into a schedule for work. All was well for the summer and the following semester. Then the real issues began.

I went on Accutane for mild facial acne. I was told it could affect mental health, and to let my dermatologist know if I was struggling. If things went bad, I could stop the meds and I’d be ok. My GP approved, and I went for it. I started monitoring myself for any signs of mental health issues, and got really worried if I was too tired, bored, or sad, because that meant the Accutane was going to make me depressed. Sure enough, when I got back to school, I began having panic attacks. I stopped the Accutane, not wanting to take that risk anymore. I also hastily went to the University doctor, who decided to switch me to Zoloft in two weeks. I ended up stopping 30mg of Lexapro and starting 100mg Zoloft in a period of two weeks.

At this point, the wheels fell off. I began having horrible intrusive thoughts about “losing control” and hurting myself, or “snapping” and doing something awful. I also experienced what I now know were withdrawal symptoms, and even went to the ER for heart palpitations and SI, which, in hindsight, was more along the lines of intrusive thoughts. I started seeing a new psychiatrist, who started throwing meds at me and seeing what stuck. The guy had no clue what was going on. He diagnosed me with POTS (which I didn’t have) and wanted all sorts of new meds added. At one point I was taking Lexapro, Zoloft, Remeron, Xanax, and Klonopin all at once. I was a mess. However, I found a therapist I connected with who suggested my anxiety wasn’t a disease, but instead emotions that I had not been able to process. An entirely new way of looking at my issues emerged.

I somehow survived the semester, and decided to stay in my college town and work over the summer. I also resolved to wean myself off of all the medications with the help of a new psychiatrist. I had also heard about the benefits of Psilocybin mushrooms for mental health, and they happened to be decriminalized in my schools county. But in order to try them, you needed to be off of medications, so I doubled down on my plans to taper.

The taper was difficult. The benzos were ditched first and saved for emergencies. I stopped Zoloft and began a taper of Lexapro: 5mg reductions every two weeks for a total of 12 weeks. Perfect for summer break. I kept researching psilocybin’s medicinal effects and consumed every piece of mental health success story media I could. More on that later.

I finished the taper of the Lexapro in late July and promptly stopped the 7.5mg of Remeron. I’d done it. I was so proud. Now for the moment I’d been waiting for. I took a microdose of mushrooms one day and felt fine. However, the next day, I exploded with symptoms. The day after that, I tried again. Same deal. My working theory is that the mushrooms kickstarted the withdrawal symptoms for the final step down, and all hell broke loose. I started developing all kinds of issues I’d never dealt with before, but the two most prominent were eyesight issues and anhedonia. I was suddenly uninterested in things I had enjoyed just three days before, and my I couldn’t focus my eyes on anything. I knew such stuff was possible, so I hunkered down for what I thought would be a few weeks of feeling jagged. I continued reading forums and articles on mental health success obsessively.

A month later, back at school, nothing had improved. After a call with my aunt, I realized how bad it’d gotten. I hadn’t had any fun in weeks. I waffled for a week, then reluctantly called up the psychiatrist and asked for a new medication. I was taking a full course load in engineering school, working a part time job, and playing soccer. I needed something to help me out.

I started Pristiq, and immediately things intensified. I was told it was “startup symptoms”, and to wait two weeks. No improvement. Then four weeks. Then six weeks. Then longer. Eventually, in mid-November, I broke. I was reading so much self help material and forum content that I was caught in an OCD-like cycle. After a few nights of no sleep from stress and too much Xanax to keep me functioning, I began having very strong SI. I packed a bag, and headed back upstate to my parents house.

The next month was complete survival. I continued on pristiq, never questioning if the meds were making things worse. I was switched to Viibryd, and the SI got even more intense. My entire body was burning, I was throwing up on the hour, and I was jumping out of my skin with agitation. At that point I had a choice to make. Do I continue trying to make these pills work and likely die, or do I go off them and maybe heal? I knew withdrawal would make things really hard for a really long time, but I decided I owed it to myself to try. So I did. I stopped all medications a week before Christmas 2025.

At this point, I was almost completely nonfunctional. I could read, attempt to eat, and go for a walk once a day. Panic attacks accompanied by intense SI ripped through me hourly. My skin burned like I was being boiled alive and I could hardly sit still. But I knew it would come to pass, because these symptoms were brand new with the withdrawal.

My parents suggested I go back to school and take one or two classes, just so I could do something with my life. I disagreed heavily but finally gave in. Still riding on the wave of resolve from my bold decision to go off meds, I vowed to get healthy again. At this point, I could hardly walk around the block without gagging or discreetly vomiting into a neighbor’s front yard. After a few weeks, I entered the gym. I started running, rowing, and then eventually got back into weights. My appetite returned, and the 20 pounds of weight I lost came back. I was finally physically ok by the end of February this year.

But mental and emotional symptoms still carried on. I couldn’t solve them just by working out. Bouts of agitation, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, depression, and SI. I found it could be triggered by being in a lecture hall, likely some trauma response from my last semesters. I started ERP Therapy with NOCD, but the therapist was pretty unprofessional and I realized therapy couldn’t really treat my chemically compromised brain. I stopped that, and focused on getting stable enough to to a full dose psilocybin mushroom ceremony. By April, I was able to enjoy some things again, even if I still had really bad moments. I was hoping the mushroom ceremony would lock everything back in place and I could finally move on.

The day came, and the ceremony was intense. Crazy stuff. It was beautiful, enlightening, and terrifying, but ended really badly. It was as if the mushrooms used up all my nervous energy to get these lessons through to me, and then left me with no defense against the symptoms. I reached a point of what I could guess akathisia is like. Total SI once again. It took several days to even remotely feel like a human again, and I really worried that I messed myself up. Withdrawal symptoms became so much worse. I finished the semester, moved into a new house, then packed up and went back upstate to my parents house for the summer.

So where am I now? I’m six months off medication, and still dealing with prominent symptoms. Here’s a list, with those bolded being the most prominent:

• Near constant anxiety

• Inner restlessness, like my body is vibrating

• Feeling trapped in my body and mind, like I need to escape

• Tightness in my chest and stomach that feels like trapped emotion

• Intrusive thoughts and visions of awful situations, mostly of self-harm

• DP/DR and feeling disconnected from my surroundings/emotions.

• Suicidal thoughts, some intrusive/repetitive (like worries), and some legitimate

• Stress-related gagging/vomiting

• Pounding heartbeat

• Dizziness

• Fatigue

• Depression and anhedonia, waxes and wanes

• Bizarre and unsettling existential thoughts (“my feelings are just chemicals in my brain”, “I’m alive and conscious, and will have to be for 60 more years”, “why do I do anything I do?”, etc.)

• Inability to focus

• Inability to visualize recovery or a better future

• Waking at 5-6 AM with racing thoughts and body stress

• Need to stay busy and goal-oriented or the existential dread comes back

• And more that I am not thinking about at the moment.

I was a big fan of the success stories on SurvivingAntidepressants, and have finally reached an intense enough state of confusion to want my own story put out there. I’d like to hear some feedback from people who have recovered if possible. What should I focus on? Will I get better? Is this just my underlying state or is this from being on meds since before puberty?

Please get back to me with whatever you think is helpful, I’d be glad to hear it. I’m hoping to reach a point where I don’t experience existential dread daily and am comfortable with the idea of life again. Crazy to me that I’m even typing that.

Thanks in advance,

Alex

Hi @alexalv

Welcome to the forum!

 

This is a volunteer-run, community forum aimed at helping those who are tapering and/or experiencing difficulties with psychiatric medications and withdrawl syndrome. We are not medical professionals and cannot offer medical advice. We simply offer support and opinions which you could use as talking points with a medical provider knowledgeable in withdrawing off psychiatric medications.

 

Please familiarise yourself with the forum rules and the disclaimer located here: Guidelines

 

Please make sure your signature is kept up to date with your drug history. This will allow members to see some basic information about your drug history and situation so that they may help you best. Information on how to do this is located in the FAQs section above, but here is a direct link: Update Signature

Once this is done, future posts made by you will have this signature turned on by default. For this reason please keep it clear but condensed as possible.

Please use the format outline here Preferred signature/drug history format

You have been through an awful like for such a young person. I'm so sorry to read about the tough time you've had recently you will find plenty of support here for sure.

I want to point out that anxiety is a perfectly normal human emotion and is not something that needs to be fixed with drugs. It can be very distressing, but it is natural all the same. The times you talk about things settling down and assuming the drugs are working for you, I would challenge this is just the normal eb of life, time is a great healer. These drugs are not that effective and certainly not safe.

You appeared to have had at least 2 ct of prozac in the beginning, this would have been the start of some very serious nervous system dysregulation. Each time you add in a new drug, switch doses or taper quickly it causes more irritation to the nervous system, a kind of injury. Hypersensitivity and kindling

 

You came off an awful lot of drugs at once the end of last year. This will have been HUGE shock to your system. The Mushrooms will have irritated your system further imo. Tapering Information

So you are left with two main conditions, normal WD which is your brain missing the drugs you stopped so quickly, it takes a long time for the brain to adjust to them having been taking away, whilst this happens you will experience WD symptoms. You seem to be doing well at points and with there being so many drugs involved I don't think I would try to reinstate anything to try to help, although this is a possiblity. Reinstating an Antidepressant

The second is a kind of injury which I touched on before and this take time to heal. How long varies from person to person. Healing happens in an up and down way which we call waves and windows. The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

You have shown some really good signs this last 6 months, unfortunately you have added in things like the mushrooms which will have set things back for you. Could you update you signature to include all psychoactive treatments you have had? I would consider the date of your last drug/treatment to be your completley off date where healing started rather than Dec 2025. That date is ground zero for you.

People do heal, IMO everyone heals, it just takes lots of time for some. But it is really important to look after yourself, don't start to think all of this is a made up condition and your mental health is bad and you need the drugs etc.... that simply is not the case, you have been harmed and are healing so be kind to yourself.

We all understand this process only too well here. You are so very welcome on the forum, any questions please make sure you ask and we will help as much as we can.

In the mean time this is what I would do if I were you:

 

-Stay Hydrated 

 

-Eat a good clean whole food diet, avoiding processed foods and sugars.

 

-Stay away from caffeine, alcohol and antihistamines and any other psychoactive substances.

 

Supplements are to be avoided initially, as they often irritate our nervous systems. Try to get your nutrition through food.

 

Down the line, you may wish to introduce Fish Oil and Magnesium. Those who can tolerate them have found them calming to the nervous system. Be careful try one at a time and start low and see how you get on should you choose to try them.

 

A daily walk is very important as much as you can manage, if you can manage it. Gets you your fresh air and Vitamin D does wonders for your mind!

 

You are very welcome here and I hope you find the site supportive.

Chippy

@Chippy

Thanks for your response. My signature is updated.

I was wondering a lot about intrusive thoughts. They are definitely one of the worst symptoms. Most thoughts involve visions of me doing things self-harm related, and then trigger an enormous amount of anxiety. The one that’s been looping lately is the idea of me swerving my car into oncoming traffic while I’m driving. It’s been really exhausting.

Does anyone have anything that helped them with this symptom? Does it go away with time or should I try and work to fix it? Please let me know because if this went away I’d be doing a whole lot better.

1 minute ago, alexalv said:

Thanks for your response. My signature is updated.

Pleasure, and thank you!

1 minute ago, alexalv said:

I was wondering a lot about intrusive thoughts. They are definitely one of the worst symptoms. Most thoughts involve visions of me doing things self-harm related, and then trigger an enormous amount of anxiety. The one that’s been looping lately is the idea of me swerving my car into oncoming traffic while I’m driving. It’s been really exhausting.

This is very common, very.

1 minute ago, alexalv said:

Does anyone have anything that helped them with this symptom? Does it go away with time or should I try and work to fix it? Please let me know because if this went away I’d be doing a whole lot better.

It does stop, but we have no idea how long that might take. For the most part we can't stop WD symptoms, but we can control how we react to them. Simply identifying that they are just that can help reduce the 'second fear' responses. Working on radical acceptance helps enormously to deal with the symptoms I find. Acceptance is key - Why does acceptance feel impossible?

At this point, I think you just need to give it time.

6 months off is really quite early in terms of protracted withdrawal, and you've cycled through an absolutely gigantic amount of drugs. Being physically somewhat ok after two months, is good progress.

Unfortunately, there are no real quick fixes, other than doing what you can to cope and working on your mindset, whilst looking after yourself and your health as best you can.

As for exercise, if you can exercise, it's a good thing, but I'd advise evaluating whether doing it at high intensity is contributing to symptoms and being in a highly stressed state. Just dial the intensity back by a fair bit for a couple of weeks, see if it helps at all. You might be overdoing it, you might not. Some can tolerate exercise, some cannot.

If you can function around it, and look after yourself, then all you can really do is grit your teeth and keep going. Most people can and do get better in time.

I’ve been thinking about how I want to use this forum. I think it could be good to just almost keep it as a digital journal type thing.

Today I wanted to talk about DP/DR. I had felt this in small moments earlier in my WD and life, but I don’t think it was ever this severe and I didn’t have the language to describe it. It’s been happening very strongly recently, I’ll give my best attempt at describing the feeling:

I’ll sometimes get the sense that I’m already dead and am now just haunting the Earth. It sounds dramatic and sad, but there’s some truth to it. My ego and sense of self have been blurred over due to the whiplash of symptoms that I have hardly any control over. Just like the stereotypical description of this symptom, I feel like a stranger to my life and my old emotional landscape. I think it’d be a lot easier to deal with an issue of this magnitude if I had a whole, healthy, impermeable self.

Another aspect is the existential side of things. I’ll get waves of panic where I almost get pulled out of the moment and shot up into my head, and feel like I’m just along for the ride in my body and mind. Everything else disappears—family, friends, passions, values—it all seems so distant and foreign in those moments that I almost forget what it feels like. At the same time, thoughts of existential dread creep in as well. Some that have been looping are “I am trapped in my body and mind, and there’s no way to escape”, “I am alive and conscious, and I have to deal with that for 60 more years”, and “Even if I get better, I will still have to cope with being trapped in my body and mind”.

There are also some vague feelings that I can’t put into cohesive thoughts. One is sensory overload, like everything is too complicated and fast, and I just want to unplug reality and float in space for a while. It’s a weird desire and doesn’t have a very good remedy other than meditation, but even then it’s hard to achieve that state. Another is an unconscious resistance to life and reality. It feels like even becoming aware that I’m still alive is enough to send me into panic because my system is just that sensitized. It’s like when you’re healthy, you’re surfing the wave of life as it pushes you along. I feel like I’ve lost that to a degree. When I use my conscious mind, It resists and reminds me just how tired I am. It’s such a shame, and I have a very hard time visualizing getting that lust for life back. I also get that feeling about receiving coping/healing strategies, because I feel like I’m just not sure how much more energy I can put into that.

I have a quote from survivingantidepressants by a user named @TooNorth in November of 2025. It’s the closest thing I can find to describing my condition:

“Lately I’ve been experiencing something that feels slightly different. It’s like a mix of DPDR and existential OCD (labels don’t matter that much to me, but I use them to better identify)

 

It’s a feeling of being hyper aware of myself within my own mind/body. When it hits, my first reaction is like a “whoa” and a rush of panic. I then feel almost trapped in my own consciousness, and I think to myself that I can’t imagine living an entire life like that. 
 

I’m hoping it is something that is just being activated because I’m so aware of it. But it really makes it hard to engage with anything. I know myself, others, and environments are “real” but it feels as if I’m consciously making all the choices that used to be auto-pilot. Very strange & unsettling feeling.”

It feels good that I’m not the only one to have that feeling, especially because it’s so hard to put into words.

Anyway, I’d really like some anecdotes about DP/DR or any info that people think would help. Or maybe I just wanted to type this and get it out into the world. I feel the need to apologize for the doom and gloom attitude, I really don’t like hearing myself get so down. But I also think it’s good to acknowledge these feelings and maybe get some support.

Later,

Alex

All I can really say is that it's premature to catastrophise about spending "60 years of your life like this", when you're 6 months off of medications and then hallucinogenics were in the mix just two months ago.

You're exercising, and functioning to a degree, which is very good progress at 6 months, in more months, you will likely improve.

@Luke When I say spend another 60 years, I don’t mean it in the way of being exactly how I am now. It’s more of a feeling of being trapped like I need to escape my body and mind but can’t. I think the hard part is having that feeling be more common lately than feeling safe and unbothered in my body. It almost feels like I’ve noticed something about existence that I can’t un-notice, although I know that’s a common feeling for this situation. Still doesn’t make it much easier. I’m not giving up the ghost here, just uncomfortable and not sure how that feeling will go away.

I understand that you're uncomfortable, but the point is that it is likely that in time you will improve.

You're not trapped forever.

Today I wanted to talk about what recovery looks like and making a new self through this ordeal.

These past few days I have not felt like myself. Things seem foreign and unreal where they used to be comfortable and nurturing. My emotions are muted and awkward. A lot of the time I don’t even feel like a human anymore.

I think with a lot of other life challenges we have a light at the end of the tunnel due to a current or prospective sense of self, an identity and emotional landscape which informs our life choices. The issue with withdrawal is that the changes are so drastic, one’s past self is left behind just to keep functional.

So what does recovery look like? I’ve tried to have this conversation with myself, almost manifesting what I expect out of this situation. And that’s where the issue is: I can’t visualize recovery. I remember having a moment where I decided to undertake this process and specifically told myself that things may get pretty bad for a pretty long time. I remember that sliver of hope at the prospect of that sacrifice. But after being in this ordeal for too long, I worry that I’ve lost my sense of direction and purpose. I can’t envision another way of being. If I try to envision a healed, recovered, healthy self, I end up getting a flash of anxiety simply from realizing how broken I feel. I mean, I forget what it feels like to wake up without a racing mind, pounding heart, and dizzy head. I forget what it feels like to feel excited for the day, motivated to go and experience whatever your mind conjures up. I forget how my emotions are supposed to feel in any given situation. It’s like I’m some dejected little alien walking around in a human-shaped suit.

I understand this is a relatively common feeling for those that have endured this ordeal before. It’s such a stereotypical despair thought, that, “Oh, I’m too far gone, why am I even trying” feeling. That’s how I know it’s likely an illusion. It’s far from unique. But even so, it’s terrifying. It makes me wonder what I’m fighting so hard for. What I’m trying to get back to or protect with my life. Without that, I’m simply carrying on for the principle of it, too stubborn to give in, even with no feelings of hope or empowerment on the horizon.

I think this is a good entry to put on the forum because others may actually have an answer to this. What did recovery feel like? A return of love and gratitude? Safety within oneself? Does your sense of self and purpose come back? Do you feel in control? Happy to be alive?

If anyone would like to respond, let me know. This is a pretty spiritually bleak period that I’m traveling through right now, and I feel so weak. The things driving my actions are simply the curiosity to see how this plays out, and the attitude of carrying on in some fucked-up absurd Sisyphean way. It’s all I’ve really got left in the tank. I don’t want to let this beat me, but I have no carrot on the end of the stick to chase right now. Still, I love myself enough to continue out of spite to my circumstances.

Have a good Wednesday,

Alex

Hi Alex,

I don’t come here often anymore, I’m not fully recovered but because this is a fairly new forum, there aren’t many here who are active and are recovered. But I am most certainly healing and totally functional, no more morning anxiety. Just much lower level symptoms occasionally and increased baseline of anxiety. I’m also still sensitive to stressors, meds and some foods - to my knowledge as I haven’t tried in a long time. I wanted to answer some of your Qs.

I want you to know that it doesn’t all come at once, I do feel happy to be alive and I am grateful for my life and the people in it, I’m grateful I made it through to where I am now, I’m grateful I survived this so far. I love absolutely fiercely, no apathy about it. I do feel in control, I’m not depersonalized anymore. However, I do not feel safety in myself yet, I think this is one of those things that will come in time, I live in a lot of fear of setting a wave off, losing progress, having a setback. This has dampened over time but it’s still there a lot, I know it will settle down to nothing in its own time.

That is to say, I now look back on acute and find it hard to “go there” I cannot compare how I am now. I forget some symptoms even existed! I was in a terrible, terrible way and now I’m coming up a year out from an injury and I haven’t touched meds since, save for a handful of paracetamol but that’s it. I am me, or a new me, a me free of any of the vices I enjoyed. I feel like I’m creeping out of the ashes of what happened but I feel alive!

To me, recovery feels like I’m moving further away from what happened to me, I’m slowly not revolving my life around it. I have many times I completely forget it even existed and I’m back with the world to a much greater degree than I ever have been. I’m totally functional, life is beautiful at times, but not at others - just because that’s life! Healing is coming for you too, friend ❤️

Ps I didn’t think I would ever feel like this again! That is a symptom in itself.

2 hours ago, alexalv said:

Today I wanted to talk about what recovery looks like and making a new self through this ordeal.

These past few days I have not felt like myself. Things seem foreign and unreal where they used to be comfortable and nurturing. My emotions are muted and awkward. A lot of the time I don’t even feel like a human anymore.

I think with a lot of other life challenges we have a light at the end of the tunnel due to a current or prospective sense of self, an identity and emotional landscape which informs our life choices. The issue with withdrawal is that the changes are so drastic, one’s past self is left behind just to keep functional.

So what does recovery look like? I’ve tried to have this conversation with myself, almost manifesting what I expect out of this situation. And that’s where the issue is: I can’t visualize recovery. I remember having a moment where I decided to undertake this process and specifically told myself that things may get pretty bad for a pretty long time. I remember that sliver of hope at the prospect of that sacrifice. But after being in this ordeal for too long, I worry that I’ve lost my sense of direction and purpose. I can’t envision another way of being. If I try to envision a healed, recovered, healthy self, I end up getting a flash of anxiety simply from realizing how broken I feel. I mean, I forget what it feels like to wake up without a racing mind, pounding heart, and dizzy head. I forget what it feels like to feel excited for the day, motivated to go and experience whatever your mind conjures up. I forget how my emotions are supposed to feel in any given situation. It’s like I’m some dejected little alien walking around in a human-shaped suit.

I understand this is a relatively common feeling for those that have endured this ordeal before. It’s such a stereotypical despair thought, that, “Oh, I’m too far gone, why am I even trying” feeling. That’s how I know it’s likely an illusion. It’s far from unique. But even so, it’s terrifying. It makes me wonder what I’m fighting so hard for. What I’m trying to get back to or protect with my life. Without that, I’m simply carrying on for the principle of it, too stubborn to give in, even with no feelings of hope or empowerment on the horizon.

I think this is a good entry to put on the forum because others may actually have an answer to this. What did recovery feel like? A return of love and gratitude? Safety within oneself? Does your sense of self and purpose come back? Do you feel in control? Happy to be alive?

If anyone would like to respond, let me know. This is a pretty spiritually bleak period that I’m traveling through right now, and I feel so weak. The things driving my actions are simply the curiosity to see how this plays out, and the attitude of carrying on in some fucked-up absurd Sisyphean way. It’s all I’ve really got left in the tank. I don’t want to let this beat me, but I have no carrot on the end of the stick to chase right now. Still, I love myself enough to continue out of spite to my circumstances.

Have a good Wednesday,

Alex

Hi, @alexalv I went through WD and recovery about the time you were born! 😛 I'm a Senior Mentor here because I think sharing the long-term view of WD and recovery is important to folks like you who are still on the journey. First, let me assure you that you can and will recover. There is no timeline, and as @SparklingG said, there is rarely one day when you wake up and tell yourself "I'm recovered"! Its a slow, gradual process with ups and downs (windows and waves) but it does come.

Based on your symptoms and ruminations, one thing that may help you is Exposure Response Prevention (ERP). Its a practice that accepts that the thoughts will come, but its okay to let them pass right through your mind, and neither dwell nor act on them. Fighting the thoughts just gives them more power. One part of ERP is "Doing What You Came to Do". Let's say you go to the grocery store and start having dark thoughts about getting in an accident on the way home, or buying food that may make you sick. Accept the thoughts but then remind yourself "I came to buy groceries and that's all I'm going to do. The dark thoughts will have to wait". ERP doesn't give the thoughts the power they need to survive.

Like you, I had terrible health anxiety as well. Every random pain was a new dread disease. One thing to remember is that serious diseases rarely have one symptom. Unless you have a group of related problems, you're not sick.

Finally, I don't want to get into the debate about if anxiety can be "cured" or if its just the way our brains are wired. But I can assure you it can be managed and become nothing more than a minor annoyance, like seasonal allergies. For now, its all about practicing coping methods and learning acceptance. You can do this!

1 hour ago, mstimc60 said:

Based on your symptoms and ruminations, one thing that may help you is Exposure Response Prevention (ERP). Its a practice that accepts that the thoughts will come, but its okay to let them pass right through your mind, and neither dwell nor act on them. Fighting the thoughts just gives them more power. One part of ERP is "Doing What You Came to Do". Let's say you go to the grocery store and start having dark thoughts about getting in an accident on the way home, or buying food that may make you sick. Accept the thoughts but then remind yourself "I came to buy groceries and that's all I'm going to do. The dark thoughts will have to wait". ERP doesn't give the thoughts the power they need to survive.

Like you, I had terrible health anxiety as well. Every random pain was a new dread disease. One thing to remember is that serious diseases rarely have one symptom. Unless you have a group of related problems, you're not sick.

Hey, thanks for the response. I don’t think I’m worried about things happening to me other than worries or visions of self harm. Those intrusive thoughts are terrible. I’m also not worried about any disease. I’m physically healthy, and I’d take any physical ailment over my current issues any day.

My real thing lately is DPDR and existential dread. “Do I actually want to continue living, or am I just doing it because I’m here already?”, “Why do I feel such resistance to life?”, “Why do I bother with anything?”, “Do I actually care about ___?”. That sort of thing. I think a lot of it comes from the DPDR feelings and the level of constant anxiety has morphed into this “resistance to life”, instead of just anxiety. The thought of existing brings me dread, but I’ve also heard that’s common with DPDR. Hyperawareness.

Did you go through any spiritual/life philosophy stuff? How did it go for you?

28 minutes ago, alexalv said:

Did you go through any spiritual/life philosophy stuff? How did it go for you?

Yes, definitely. The therapist who helped me with WD had a practice with a strong spiritual element since I was dealing with the same questions about life you were. He really helped me see the intrinsic value of each human life. Also, during my own research, I cam across a lesson that's really stuck with me. Its a teaching of psychology/philosophy that says the Universe sends you what you're interested in, even if what you're interested in isn't what you want. In other words, the more you ruminate on negative life feelings, the more of those feelings you'll get. That really helped me with perspective and with concentrating on positive affir4mations instead of negative thought loops.

1 hour ago, mstimc60 said:

the Universe sends you what you're interested in, even if what you're interested in isn't what you want. In other words, the more you ruminate on negative life feelings, the more of those feelings you'll get.

Man, that makes total sense, but sounds like an incredibly challenging thing to do. Definitely will be easier as the anhedonia and fatigue lift a bit.

6 minutes ago, alexalv said:

Man, that makes total sense, but sounds like an incredibly challenging thing to do. Definitely will be easier as the anhedonia and fatigue lift a bit.

You can start by replacing the negative thoughts with positive affirmations. When the thoughts of self harm start, replace them with "I am healthy and safe, and have my whole life ahead of me. I will be happy". Even of you don't believe it at first, they will keep the negative thoughts from monopolizing your mind.

3 hours ago, alexalv said:

Did you go through any spiritual/life philosophy stuff? How did it go for you?

After a year and a half of suffering I have realized the ups and downs are all lies, started meditating again, realized to doubt everything and put myself as an observer, i just exist mindfully, i doubt my symtoms, thoughts, emotions, everything. I'm just the observer.

I have to say I feel much better since I have made my spirit strong, I barely suffer as much, since i don't ruminate on the bad moments all the time, the past doesn't exist and also the future.

I feel like in any health situation, a strong spirit can help your body heal, and you won't suffer nearly as much.

If you have questions let me know.

Happy Friday. I wanted to write another entry into this thread as a sort of public journal. I like that idea.

I’ve definitely had some windows this past week. Some moments where I feel a little more settled, a little more calm and, frankly, more like a human. I think summertime in Northern Michigan is kinda getting me excited to do some things again, and that energy is spreading into other aspects of life. I hope I can keep some of that going.

One thing I’ve noticed about going off ADs is the wave pattern of symptoms that I had never felt on or before ADs. One that stands out to me, even though it wasn’t super severe, were a period of headaches. I never deal with them normally and never have, so to have splitting headaches on the daily was such a surprising thing to me. Of course, if headaches were my worst problem, I wouldn’t be in this position. I’ve had several periods of symptoms that I really don’t know how to describe, or that I can’t quite remember right now. That’s probably for the best.

Currently, I think I am in a wave of DPDR. I’d heard of it before, and I think felt it to some degree last fall, but I have never had some of the feelings that I recently have been dealing with. I’ll have moments of anxiety where I become acutely aware of my existence as a mind inside a body, a living thing on a planet floating in space. Now, that doesn’t sound too bad because, yeah, that’s exactly what all of us are. The issue comes with a feeling of disconnection with life and everything that comes with it. I then get a feeling of being trapped like I need to escape reality, or something along those lines. Sometimes I’ll get a genuine fear of existing, like being conscious is a burden and I need to sleep to let the weight drop away. It’s a weird thing to be anxious about. Other times, I’ll have the opposite of this, where I feel the same disconnected feeling but it’s more like I am not real either, so none of my thoughts, feelings, or judgements matter. It got bad enough at one point that I genuinely reassured myself with Rene Descartes’s cogito: “I think, therefore I am”. These feelings happen is small episodes throughout the day. I think there’s a happy medium of consciousness between hyperawareness and robotic unconscious living. Maybe my brain is adjusting out of the constant hyperawareness and sensitivity it’s been going through for the past year. Maybe it’s a good thing.

Emotionally I think I’m doing a little better. I’m genuinely enjoying stuff at times. I discovered making coffee using an Italian Moka Pot and I’ve been enjoying a rich decaf in the evenings. Food has been tasting amazing lately, that’s certainly a theme. I’ve found a new show I like to watch once I’m done with work and school stuff in the evenings. There’s even been moments where I’m not ruminating about withdrawal/mental health and I’m just daydreaming about something else that I’d like to do. That’s a huge win for me. It’s small moments, but it proves that it’s possible.

There are some emotional issues bubbling up though, and I wanted to sort through that on this post too. When I’m in a sort of window like this, or at least seeing signs of improvement, I have this awful looming fear of getting worse. Dealing with thoughts like “What if I’m not doing as good as I think?”, “When will the next wave come?”, “Will this next wave do me in?”, “Will I have another complete mental collapse?” etc. I’m hosting a few people for the Fourth of July weekend and I have the anxious thought of “What if my mental health just collapses while they’re here?” I think knowing how bad it can get, I am so terrified of ever going back to that situation. There’s also a feeling that my system is inclined to go to that state, so I need to white-knuckle through life so I don’t take a nose dive into complete insanity. I’ve also heard people like @Toast say that they couldn’t go back to that state once they were recovered, so that’s reassuring.

Intrusive thoughts are still bad, especially driving. The thought of me driving my car off the road or into oncoming traffic is so intense for me, and I’ve never had that idea bother me before. It’s so strange. It’s like there’s a tension to me driving that can’t be resolved as long as there’s even a possibility that I’d do such a thing. It’s so nonsensical and OCD-like. Granted, I have been driving a decent amount, and even did a 1.5 hour commute to some places for work just the other day. I have a trip to Chicago planned, so I hope that the 5.5 hour road trip isn’t soured by these thoughts. I’m hoping that the pattern just fades over time.

Another really weird thing is the presence of bad memories surfacing randomly. I’ll get flashes of really traumatic times like during the “medication breakdown” I had last fall, or less consequential things like a flash of a time I was rude to my Mom that I regret. Even random memories of saying something embarrassing or awkward as a teenager have come up. I wonder what that all amounts to.

One last thing before I wrap this up is a feeling that is a huge hurdle for me. I think my body and mind is now resisting being calm. I will get a huge surge of dread when I envision myself becoming busier or more adventurous in life, and I get the same feeling when envisioning me relaxing. It’s so odd. It’s like I need to be vigilant 24/7 and if I’m not, my system will freak out at its vulnerability. I think this kinda ties in with the fear of existing stuff. I think the main way I’ve been coping with it is being task-oriented. Work has helped. But I have long strides to make with being ok with just, well, being. I’d love to hear some thoughts and anecdotes if this feeling sounds familiar.

Overall, some improvements have come about this week. Hoping to have as good of a weekend as I can.

Hey, I was reading through your thread and I just wanted to say that I have actually also felt the feeling you describe of feeling trapped in your own body and mind, once before. It happened for me around the time I was started on medication when I was 11 or 12. I remember feeling like I didn't know who or what I was, like intellectually I knew I was "Toast", but suddenly I felt so detached from everything I thought I cared about, all of the goals I thought I had, all of my relationships, in that moment. All I felt was this sheer panic, almost claustrophobic feeling that my consciousness was trapped. It was a lot like what you described happened to you.

For me though it only lasted for about an hour. It was so bad that I actually asked my parents to drive me to the ER, and we started driving there but then on the way there I started to feel better and changed my mind about going in. I don't know why I started to feel better but definitely that hour was terrifying for me. Since then, it's never really happened to me again. I can remember the feeling very vaguely but I can't re-feel the feeling (which is great, no complaints here). So unlike for you it never really reoccurred for me. 

If I may contribute some thoughts/hopefully helpful advice:

You mention being distressed by the reoccurring thought that your thoughts/emotions are only chemicals in your brain. I've actually used a variant of this sort of thought to my advantage and found it to be comforting. Your emotions are signals from your body. But unlike in math class, there is no "correct" or "incorrect" emotion. Emotions cannot have "truth" attached to them. So, while the statement 1 + 1 = 2 is true and 1 + 1 = 3 is false, you can't logically state, "My consciousness being trapped in my own body is objectively terrifying" because emotions can't be objectively anything. It's not to say you should ignore or dismiss emotions. But an emotion does not necessarily reflect any sort of "truth" about the world. 

Another example: "Spiders are cute and fun" or "spiders are scary". Different people react to spiders differently under different circumstances. Even if most people are afraid of spiders, all that means is we've evolved to fear spiders through natural selection, not that there is some sort of objective "truth" to the spiders being scary. 

Last thing, you had mentioned trying psilocybin hoping it might help. I would avoid all drugs if I were you. I've had a few IRL friends go the route of trying psilocybin thinking it would help them find the meaning of life, and I've never seen it end well. The mechanism of action for psychedelics is broadly, increasing serotonin in the brain... Which is also the mechanism of action of SSRIs. If you're trying to heal your serotonin system the last thing you might want to do is perturb it by dumping in more serotonin. 

You can get through this! Best wishes.

15 hours ago, Toast said:

Last thing, you had mentioned trying psilocybin hoping it might help. I would avoid all drugs if I were you.

Yeah, definitely a good idea. Looking back on the psilocybin trip it was really informative and amazing, but also terrifying and painful. It also ended horribly. I wish I could’ve had one of those “Cured my anxiety with mushrooms” stories but that’s just not what I got. Especially going into it with a compromised nervous system. If anyone is reading this and is thinking about trying it out while dealing with WD, I’d strongly recommend waiting.

Well, just like I said, a wave came along. I hung out with friends Friday and felt strong, had a good time, and had some drinks. Nothing over the top at all, but I wonder if that really affected me. Woke up Yesterday feeling jagged. It kinda devolved all day until I had an actual panic attack at dinner for my sisters birthday. It was very embarrassing and made me feel really awful about myself. Horrible thoughts going through my head, feelings of disconnection with my emotions and reality, and on top of that, I started shaking like a leaf in the wind. Like full-body trembling. I toned it down in the bathroom but my parents knew something was up. I apologized later and they were understanding.

When I got home, it devolved into these awful depressed feelings. Everything I looked at just had some aura of disgust and alienation. It was absolutely insane. I saw a video of a puppy on a boat on Instagram and it didn’t make me happy at all. I simply resented the fact that I couldn’t enjoy it. I went to the beach by my house with my family and tried to play it off as best I could. Looping thoughts of me hurting myself or doing something awful ran rampant. I did have some tiny moments where I could register a positive reaction to something at the beach, but it felt shallow and fake. I’m not sure how to describe it.

We went home and watched a show on TV, and I loved it. I laughed and was engaged for a while, but I still felt inhuman and disconnected.

Today I woke up with intense panic. Skin burning, intrusive thoughts and images, shaking, and feeling disconnected. I jumped out of bed and immediately started just breathing, meditating as best I could. There’s such a strong desire to just jump out of my body and be unconscious for a while. It takes a lot of grit and acceptance to sit in my body while it is freaking out. My mind loops thoughts and images of how to escape these feelings, most of which are horrid and involve me dying. It’d be nice to not have to deal with any of this, but I like to believe my true self does not want to die. Earlier in WD I was in a period of elevated emotions, so when I was feeling this way I could hold onto certain ideas to get me through, like the amount of love I have for my family. Lately I’ve felt disconnected from the people around me, and that’s made these moments so much harder. It’s like, what am I even bothering for? Why am I putting in all this work, dealing with all the suffering to get better when the pathways of love and happiness just shut off randomly?

The good news is, I can recognize that. I can recognize that the fact that there’s no certain, all-encompassing reason to live scares me because the thoughts of dying are intrusive and demand certainty. I’m fairly certain that some, if not most, of this SI is intrusive, repetitive thoughts. It demands action and resolution, unlike other thoughts or ideas a person normally has. They sure feel relentless. I can also recognize that I literally, just two days ago, put up a post saying I felt better at times. It’s so so awful to be in this position and currently feel no emotional connection to the good moments. It’s like they never even existed. Such an awful trick of the mind.

“I would avoid all drugs if I were you”. God dammit. I feel like such an idiot for that. I’ve had small amounts of alcohol several times in the past few months when I’ve felt strong. Some don’t affect me too much, others make me feel jagged for a while. This one seemed to cause a wave. Looks like no drinking for me on the Fourth of July this year. That’s ok. I need to calm my system down, that’s literally the only way I will recover. I guess I can’t be too hard on myself either. When you’re feeling good, you’re in a different headspace than when you’re in a wave. Your decision making is different, and that’s ok. Lessons are repeated until they’re learned.

I guess I just want these thoughts and feelings to go away. If any of the stories on this forum are true, they probably will. I want “me” back. I want to be back in reality feeling love and joy and peace, not getting through my days feeling like my brain is trying to kill me, or that my life will just be one huge battle to try and stay alive, with nothing else along with it. It’s such a shame that our brains can’t internalize other perspectives while in this state. It’s as if all the good stuff in the world dissolves away like it was fake the whole time, and all that’s left is just panic and pain. The worst part is that I know that it’s not true! Why can’t I feel it?

Anyway, I’m gonna keep on pushing along. That’s the only option I’ve got. I don’t want to let this beat me.

Hey @alexalv, sorry you’ve hit a wave, they can be really brutal. I know it’s hard, especially at your age and stage of life, but I do think it would be best to avoid drinking as much as possible. I’ve seen a lot of folks say it can set them back pretty hard. I’ve never been a huge drinker myself but I do miss a nice joint — but it’s worth abstaining if it helps us recover faster!

Hope your wave passes soon. This absolutely will not beat you.

4 hours ago, alexalv said:

Well, just like I said, a wave came along. I hung out with friends Friday and felt strong, had a good time, and had some drinks. Nothing over the top at all, but I wonder if that really affected me. Woke up Yesterday feeling jagged. It kinda devolved all day until I had an actual panic attack at dinner for my sisters birthday. It was very embarrassing and made me feel really awful about myself. Horrible thoughts going through my head, feelings of disconnection with my emotions and reality, and on top of that, I started shaking like a leaf in the wind. Like full-body trembling. I toned it down in the bathroom but my parents knew something was up. I apologized later and they were understanding.

When I got home, it devolved into these awful depressed feelings. Everything I looked at just had some aura of disgust and alienation. It was absolutely insane. I saw a video of a puppy on a boat on Instagram and it didn’t make me happy at all. I simply resented the fact that I couldn’t enjoy it. I went to the beach by my house with my family and tried to play it off as best I could. Looping thoughts of me hurting myself or doing something awful ran rampant. I did have some tiny moments where I could register a positive reaction to something at the beach, but it felt shallow and fake. I’m not sure how to describe it.

We went home and watched a show on TV, and I loved it. I laughed and was engaged for a while, but I still felt inhuman and disconnected.

Today I woke up with intense panic. Skin burning, intrusive thoughts and images, shaking, and feeling disconnected. I jumped out of bed and immediately started just breathing, meditating as best I could. There’s such a strong desire to just jump out of my body and be unconscious for a while. It takes a lot of grit and acceptance to sit in my body while it is freaking out. My mind loops thoughts and images of how to escape these feelings, most of which are horrid and involve me dying. It’d be nice to not have to deal with any of this, but I like to believe my true self does not want to die. Earlier in WD I was in a period of elevated emotions, so when I was feeling this way I could hold onto certain ideas to get me through, like the amount of love I have for my family. Lately I’ve felt disconnected from the people around me, and that’s made these moments so much harder. It’s like, what am I even bothering for? Why am I putting in all this work, dealing with all the suffering to get better when the pathways of love and happiness just shut off randomly?

The good news is, I can recognize that. I can recognize that the fact that there’s no certain, all-encompassing reason to live scares me because the thoughts of dying are intrusive and demand certainty. I’m fairly certain that some, if not most, of this SI is intrusive, repetitive thoughts. It demands action and resolution, unlike other thoughts or ideas a person normally has. They sure feel relentless. I can also recognize that I literally, just two days ago, put up a post saying I felt better at times. It’s so so awful to be in this position and currently feel no emotional connection to the good moments. It’s like they never even existed. Such an awful trick of the mind.

“I would avoid all drugs if I were you”. God dammit. I feel like such an idiot for that. I’ve had small amounts of alcohol several times in the past few months when I’ve felt strong. Some don’t affect me too much, others make me feel jagged for a while. This one seemed to cause a wave. Looks like no drinking for me on the Fourth of July this year. That’s ok. I need to calm my system down, that’s literally the only way I will recover. I guess I can’t be too hard on myself either. When you’re feeling good, you’re in a different headspace than when you’re in a wave. Your decision making is different, and that’s ok. Lessons are repeated until they’re learned.

I guess I just want these thoughts and feelings to go away. If any of the stories on this forum are true, they probably will. I want “me” back. I want to be back in reality feeling love and joy and peace, not getting through my days feeling like my brain is trying to kill me, or that my life will just be one huge battle to try and stay alive, with nothing else along with it. It’s such a shame that our brains can’t internalize other perspectives while in this state. It’s as if all the good stuff in the world dissolves away like it was fake the whole time, and all that’s left is just panic and pain. The worst part is that I know that it’s not true! Why can’t I feel it?

Anyway, I’m gonna keep on pushing along. That’s the only option I’ve got. I don’t want to let this beat me.

Hi @alexalv . Thank you for your introduction story. I'm sorry for what you have gone through at such a young age and thank you for your bravery on putting it all out there.

One of my main issues is also the OCD looping thoughts and my main issue is contamination OCD thoughts.

I feel your pain with the thoughts and how they cause so much dread and thinking about the future. I can barely go another day and thinking about months or years is really hard for me mentally.

Please keep posting journal entries here. I'll be doing the same on my post and maybe motivate each other.

Hope you have more good days in healing.

@alexalv Hello friend,

I can’t say I’m glad that what I wrote way back resonated with you - I’m sorry you’re in this state. You’re right, there’s no language for it.

I have more thoughts & observations now than I did back then but one thing that I do believe to be true that maybe can give you some hope… I don’t think we have to “re-learn” how to be human.

What I mean by that, and what you may notice even in the smallest windows, is that our brain/reality/nervous system (wherever it comes from) still knows how to function normally. And that normal functioning is probably just ~ exist & ignore ~ these strange thoughts and feelings.

I’m still in it. You ain’t alone

On 6/28/2026 at 1:09 PM, alexalv said:

Well, just like I said, a wave came along. I hung out with friends Friday and felt strong, had a good time, and had some drinks. Nothing over the top at all, but I wonder if that really affected me.

We repeatedly recommend not drinking alcohol in withdrawal, and regularly get pushback against this whilst watching people do it and experience worsening symptoms and sometimes prolonged setbacks.

@Chippy did make this recommendation to you. I hope now that you see that it just isn't worth doing until you've been a lot better for a prolonged period of time.

There are many who are years into not being able to function the way you are at 6/7 months off- seeing friends, exercising etc. You'll have to trust me on this, ending up that way for years is not worth a beer.