Today I had the worst wave I’ve had in a long while. I thought I was going to end up in the hospital.

Things had gotten a little better since the last wave, with periods of genuine interest and joy happening among the days. It isn’t perfect, but I noted these good signs. I was a little bit calmer too, and could sleep and almost relax during the day.

Yesterday, I had a half day of work, and got brunch with some coworkers. No meals earlier to save for my enormous special Friday treat. I took it down, and felt fine. But when I came home, I ended up having a huge panic attack. A result of blood sugar changes or insulin rush, I do not know. I tried to hold on the rest of the day, even through a photoshoot for a project I had been working on. I did my best to show up, even while my brain was wondering if this wave would be the one that ends me. I made it home, finished up my night, and tried to go to sleep. But when I was in bed, I found my normal pattern of immediately falling asleep was not happening. I stayed awake with significant agitation for 1-2 more hours.

I woke up today at 5:30 in complete nervous system breakdown. Whole body vibrations, tightness in stomach and throat, and horrible looping thoughts. The thoughts ruminated on recovery and life being “worth it”, my feelings of being too scared to live but too scared to die, and just pure existential terror. Just the prospect of me existing tomorrow was enough to make me throw up. But even throwing up, which is usually a release to me, didn’t expel the anxiety. I began violently shaking, and the thoughts got worse. I began wondering if I needed emergency medical attention. I took a benzo, which was certainly warranted in this situation, and started riding it out. Suicidal urges were unusually strong. I called a friend and then another, talking my way through the episode. I even called 988, just wanting someone to put my mind at ease. I got an incredibly incompetent lady who repeatedly asked my name because she forgot. Eventually, the benzo kicked in, and I crashed back to sleep.

When I woke up, I spoke with my Mom, who was gone at the time, and went over what happened. These feelings of everything being meaningless and disgusting are so unlike me, yet they feel deeply true and genuine. I do NOT want to feel this way about life. That’s where the anxiety kicks in. I feel so out of it, so broken, and so disordered sometimes. Like I’m missing some driving force in life that everyone has but me. The intrusive thoughts about recovery are awful too, because if there’s even a possibility it’s not worth it, then what am I doing? Also, the feelings of all my emotions and judgements being illusions is awful. I could be enjoying something then my brain will try and tell me that it’s just a negligible chemical reaction and has no actual value. It’s like a complete existential crisis, and I have no light at the end of the tunnel. I can’t picture what normalcy feels like or feel a purpose for what I do.

I think it’s very early to start questioning if my suffering is “worth it”, especially because I am definitely not recovered. That thought loop started right as I was noticing improvements. Now I feel like I’m right back at square one. Whole body vibrations and nervous system weakness. I had this funny vision in my head, where I imagined normal nerves like a copper wire, and my current system as electrified pipe cleaners. Weak and painful.

I am just really tired of fighting this. Things get really scary when the idea of surviving and dealing with this again is more terrifying than dying. It makes me feel trapped. Like I said, pure existential fear. I wish that would go away.

Oh well. Hopefully a window comes soon.

4 minutes ago, alexalv said:

I am just really tired of fighting this. Things get really scary when the idea of surviving and dealing with this again is more terrifying than dying. It makes me feel trapped. Like I said, pure existential fear. I wish that would go away.

@alexalv , I used the get the same feeling--like I was a trapped animal with nowhere to go. It seems there are no good options--we know the meds are poison but it would be so easy to go back on them and numb ourselves--but that's not a solution; it just masks our symptoms and delays what we'll need to face sooner or later.

Its is terribly frightening when our own minds seem to turn against us. But this is not who you are and it will not be forever. Windows, even small ones, are signs of healing. Recovery is a long roller coaster ride of waves and windows. Just like with a rollercoaster, sometimes the best you can do is hang on till the path slows and smooths out a little. Sending positive thoughts your way.

@alexalv Sending some love your way. It was not that long ago you had your Psilocybin Mushroom Experience, it can take some time for the nervous system to heal. You are still very early days. It is tough atm yes, but things won't always be this way. Look into acceptance and distraction coping practices in our symptoms and coping skills section. They are really key skills to learn in WD and they help you once you are healed too!

Hang in there, I hope a window comes your way very soon.

We recommend not using benzos for short term symptom relief, just as we recommend not drinking alcohol and that also resulted in a worsening of symptoms for you.

They might make things better during a wave, but they can prolong things in general.

@Luke I’d really appreciate some support instead of constant criticism. I acknowledge my mistake with alcohol, but I feel it was either a benzo or the hospital yesterday. Please have some compassion here. This is the hardest thing any of us will ever go through.

3 minutes ago, alexalv said:

I’d really appreciate some support instead of constant criticism. I acknowledge my mistake with alcohol, but I feel it was either a benzo or the hospital yesterday. Please have some compassion here. This is the hardest thing any of us will ever go through.

Next time maybe prepare some other things that could help you out during crisis. Magnesium glycinate, Omega 3, Chamomile to make a tea with (you could react badly to it like you could with a benzo, but this is way better than a benzo, this is a bit like a benzo alternative and it can really help you to relax, and can't cause as much damage like a benzo could in my opinion)

generally I would say stay away from supplements other than omega 3 and magnesium, but chamomile is a better benzo alternative, that's all I'm saying.

Edited Sunday at 11:03 AM5 days by Lighty

20 hours ago, alexalv said:

@Luke I’d really appreciate some support instead of constant criticism. I acknowledge my mistake with alcohol, but I feel it was either a benzo or the hospital yesterday. Please have some compassion here. This is the hardest thing any of us will ever go through.

Luke isn't trying to be unsupportive here, he is mearly pointing out that using Benzos can worsen you in the long run. That is very reasonable advice. If you choose to take Benzos that is up to you, but my advice would be to work on coping skills and avoid making all this worse with more drugs. There is no denying it a very difficult thing to cope with and we all totally get how hard it is, we would be doing you a mis-service if we didn't make these points to members and simply told them what they wanted to hear. That does not mean we are not compassionate, quite the opposite we have only your best interests at heart.

@alexalv I’m sorry for your suffering. I know those feelings all too well. Unbelievably terrifying & uncomfortable. I personally don’t think there is anything wrong with taking a benzo in moments like that. I’ve had to before as well - it was either a benzo, commit myself to the psych ward, or…you know.

Hang in there. If it gives you any hope, I’ve had almost identical experiences to what you are describing and I’ve slowly made progress. I haven’t had to use a benzo since December. I’m usually able to cling onto the knowledge that those feelings have always passed eventually.

But I know the struggle. I still experience moments like that often. Definitely don’t mess with any psychedelics or alcohol in any capacity any more. And cut your stimulant use as well if you do any.

On 7/12/2026 at 11:54 AM, alexalv said:

@Luke I’d really appreciate some support instead of constant criticism. I acknowledge my mistake with alcohol, but I feel it was either a benzo or the hospital yesterday. Please have some compassion here. This is the hardest thing any of us will ever go through.

This site offers two things:

1. Clear information about the harms these drugs can do, and how best to recover from them

2. Emotional support

I was providing number 1 without any harsh, mean, rude language etc. Just plain information about what has made symptoms worse for many, many others. This is information your doctors are very unlikely to give you, which is what lands many of us here.

As for compassion about going through something like this, I'm considerably more physically affected at much past 3 years off far less drug use than you so I understand very, very well what this is like and along with @Chippy I provide this forum for free at significant financial loss, along with a LOT of our time around suffering with significant symptoms ourselves.

I tried to use that time to point out things that might cause you harm, because I want to help you and I want you to recover.

As you don't like this, I will stop commenting on your thread, however I think it's very unfair to accuse me of providing that advice and this forum from a place of criticism and lack of compassion.

I haven’t used this forum in a little while, and I think it’s best I try to step away from forums in general here. Gonna continue my journey privately. Thanks for the kind messages so far.