8/17

Doing surprisingly well today? This week is going to be a lot of major life changes, so I was expecting to be way more anxious than I am. I have filled my days up with lots of activities and work stuff so that I don't have too many moments to linger and think. I had some reallllyyyyy bad and nasty SI yesterday along with an OCD flare, but it all passed. That morning cortisol awakening response is getting better, even though I still occasionally have it first thing in the morning. I still cannot sleep in past 4:30AM, but I'm trying to take advantage of this fact by just starting my day earlier and being more active.

On 8/12/2026 at 2:02 PM, Bernadette said:

In time I'll have the volume up and enjoy like I used to, but for now it's just limited to about 15 minutes of my 45 minute drive to work.

This is interesting to hear that others have had the same experience! I am slowly working my way up. In my good windows. The music I have always enjoyed is very uhhhh aggressive to say the least haha. I haven't really been able to listen to my usual artists in the last year or so, but one day!

On 8/13/2026 at 12:38 AM, Chippy said:

I have it crossed for you this trend keep going, you will keep improving. Don't be discouraged if things get worse for a time, this is common, waves and windows.

On 8/13/2026 at 12:38 AM, Chippy said:

I very much suspect that anything that has come up as a part of WD with go eventually as you heal.

I am so so so hopeful this is the case.

You're regularly having better days at just a few months off. That really is excellent progress.

I hope you continue to have them.

Sleep can be a very stubborn symptom in terms of improvement, unfortunately.

8/18

Unfortunately back into the thick of it again. I did not get great sleep last night, and I definitely feel that that is contributing. I woke up with that terrible panic and I've wanted to do nothing but cry since waking up. Luckily, I am working from home today, so I can at least take it easy. Lots of intrusive SI thoughts. I just feel so tired, my usual trick of staying busy and doing a million things around the house might not be doable today. It was nice long window before this, and I pray to God this will pass again like it has before.

41 minutes ago, Lizardpushups said:

Unfortunately back into the thick of it again. I did not get great sleep last night, and I definitely feel that that is contributing. I woke up with that terrible panic and I've wanted to do nothing but cry since waking up. Luckily, I am working from home today, so I can at least take it easy. Lots of intrusive SI thoughts. I just feel so tired, my usual trick of staying busy and doing a million things around the house might not be doable today. It was nice long window before this, and I pray to God this will pass again like it has before.

Sorry you're back in the thick of it @Lizardpushups. Waves and windows! It's awful but completely normal, and it will pass again 😊.

L

2 hours ago, SarahMc said:

Waves and windows! It's awful but completely normal, and it will pass again 😊.

Thanks for the reminder. I’m already doing quite a bit better than this morning, but ooof forgot how bad it can be sometimes. Which I suppose is much better than I was even just a month ago.

8/19

I got my period today, which definitely explains the struggle these last few days. I hate that my period has played such a critical role in my recovery process. On the one hand, I know what to expect when its coming, but on the other I am hit with a wave without fail around this time. I just want to crawl back into bed and sleep forever. I had a really bad wave this morning and cried for probably most of two hours upon waking. I still got up and walked my dogs and tried doing some gratitude meditations. I can't really seem to handle listening to music today, so I am just listening to bird song and ambient noise. These small self care things felt crappy in the moment, but I think they actually helped, because I have leveled out quite a bit now. I feel like the Garfield of Wednesdays. I HATE Wednesdays with all my heart lol. The good part is that that means its the middle of the week, and I'm one step closer to the weekend with this. Next week, I will be working overtime on Wednesday for an event. I think as long as I keep myself physically busy, I'll be okay.

55 minutes ago, Lizardpushups said:

I got my period today, which definitely explains the struggle these last few days. I hate that my period has played such a critical role in my recovery process. On the one hand, I know what to expect when its coming, but on the other I am hit with a wave without fail around this time. I just want to crawl back into bed and sleep forever. I had a really bad wave this morning and cried for probably most of two hours upon waking. I still got up and walked my dogs and tried doing some gratitude meditations. I can't really seem to handle listening to music today, so I am just listening to bird song and ambient noise. These small self care things felt crappy in the moment, but I think they actually helped, because I have leveled out quite a bit now. I feel like the Garfield of Wednesdays. I HATE Wednesdays with all my heart lol. The good part is that that means its the middle of the week, and I'm one step closer to the weekend with this. Next week, I will be working overtime on Wednesday for an event. I think as long as I keep myself physically busy, I'll be okay.

@Lizardpushups I'm sorry you're in a wave, but it sounds like you're coping really well. Keep it going, you know what to do and you know this will pass 😊.

8/20

Woke up super anxious and suicidal this morning. I’ve been having really severe depersonalization off and on for the last two years. I kind of have always had it, but it’s gotten worse since being totally off of the escitalopram. I hope it goes away eventually. This morning I feel so anxious that I just wanna claw my skin off. I feel really ******* vulnerable. Please God let this pass.

9 minutes ago, Lizardpushups said:

Woke up super anxious and suicidal this morning. I’ve been having really severe depersonalization off and on for the last two years. I kind of have always had it, but it’s gotten worse since being totally off of the escitalopram. I hope it goes away eventually. This morning I feel so anxious that I just wanna claw my skin off. I feel really ******* vulnerable. Please God let this pass.

Deep breaths @Lizardpushups. This too shall pass. One minute at a time, we're here for you.

3 hours ago, SarahMc said:

Deep breaths @Lizardpushups. This too shall pass. One minute at a time, we're here for you.

I honestly think I'm just a little taken aback because it's soooo so bad today. I was doing so well for a while, and its jarring to feel like i'm back at square one. I know recovery isn't linear. I took a walk and felt better for maybe an hour and then it hit me again. :/

2 hours ago, Lizardpushups said:

I honestly think I'm just a little taken aback because it's soooo so bad today. I was doing so well for a while, and its jarring to feel like i'm back at square one. I know recovery isn't linear. I took a walk and felt better for maybe an hour and then it hit me again. :/

I know it can feel really frustrating and disheartening, but it's part of the process unfortunately. I had some really awful days, my worst in quite a while, just a few weeks ago after feeling like I'd been doing better for a good month or so. But we have to keep telling ourselves that it's part of the healing process. Every day, no matter how terrible, is still a day closer to recovery 😊.

1 hour ago, SarahMc said:

But we have to keep telling ourselves that it's part of the healing process. Every day, no matter how terrible, is still a day closer to recovery 😊.

Thank you for the kind words ❤️ I'm actually finally a lot calmer now. Its so wild how these waves are just a total visceral feeling of almost like danger? And now its gone! That's amazing that you had a good solid month! I hope I can get to that point too. I hope in a year we can both look back and realize how much better it all is.

59 minutes ago, Lizardpushups said:

That's amazing that you had a good solid month!

I guess I should clarify it definitely wasn’t a good solid month haha, but it felt like an improved baseline over how I’d been doing previously.

1 hour ago, Lizardpushups said:

I hope I can get to that point too. I hope in a year we can both look back and realize how much better it all is.

I hope so too, for both of us 💜

8/24

5:00AM - woke up, slight cortisol awakening response, but it is getting better

6:00AM - made the decision to skip the gym today. Will bike ride later for an hour. Physically feel sore everywhere, even though I rested yesterday too. Will get back into the gym tomorrow.

7:00AM - breakfast of cottage cheese and berries. Feeling more like myself today. OCD is not as loud as it was these last four days.

Going to knock out a chunk of my work asap so that I have the rest of the day to do chores around the house and then maybe some art.

My menstrual cycle has been so much lighter since getting completely off the lexapro. I was not bedridden this month for two-three days, only one. It also ended two days early (went from 7 days to 5). The emotional aspect of things during this time was still really really bad, but I will take whatever improvements I can get.

Hope everyone has a nice day ❤️

1 hour ago, Lizardpushups said:

8/24

5:00AM - woke up, slight cortisol awakening response, but it is getting better

6:00AM - made the decision to skip the gym today. Will bike ride later for an hour. Physically feel sore everywhere, even though I rested yesterday too. Will get back into the gym tomorrow.

7:00AM - breakfast of cottage cheese and berries. Feeling more like myself today. OCD is not as loud as it was these last four days.

Going to knock out a chunk of my work asap so that I have the rest of the day to do chores around the house and then maybe some art.

My menstrual cycle has been so much lighter since getting completely off the lexapro. I was not bedridden this month for two-three days, only one. It also ended two days early (went from 7 days to 5). The emotional aspect of things during this time was still really really bad, but I will take whatever improvements I can get.

Hope everyone has a nice day ❤️

Sounds like you have it under control although there are still some annoying bumps, so well done!!

Thanks for updating @Lizardpushups wishing you the easiest path forward possible.

8/26

It's my favorite day of the week once again; Wednesday.

Woke up feeling okay, not too much panic this time. Walked my dogs for an hour and then went into work. I am having pretty annoying sensations of derealization/depersonalization today. Lots of thoughts that I've made a terrible mistake getting off of this med and that I am never going to be the same again.

I'm not going to lie, I am pretty scared. I am terrified that I have ruined my life by doing this. I know this is just a bad moment, and will pass, but the feelings and thoughts are never fun.

I mostly just feel lonely. I don't have anyone to talk to about this experience. When I've mentioned what this has been like to friends, they don't have the same sort of understanding. It has been a lot of oh well you'll be good in a few months?

My family is the worst when it comes to this. They think I should just get back on the medication and that I am essentially doing this to myself. They don't understand. I have a lot of anger and grief over being put on these medications in the first place.

The only person who really listens to me when I talk about withdrawal is my husband. He's been super supportive of me doing this, but I also don't want to burn him out. I can't talk about this 24/7. I have been actively trying to talk about it less and be present and here in the moment. But sometimes its just really really really hard.

1 hour ago, Lizardpushups said:

8/26

It's my favorite day of the week once again; Wednesday.

Woke up feeling okay, not too much panic this time. Walked my dogs for an hour and then went into work. I am having pretty annoying sensations of derealization/depersonalization today. Lots of thoughts that I've made a terrible mistake getting off of this med and that I am never going to be the same again.

I'm not going to lie, I am pretty scared. I am terrified that I have ruined my life by doing this. I know this is just a bad moment, and will pass, but the feelings and thoughts are never fun.

I mostly just feel lonely. I don't have anyone to talk to about this experience. When I've mentioned what this has been like to friends, they don't have the same sort of understanding. It has been a lot of oh well you'll be good in a few months?

My family is the worst when it comes to this. They think I should just get back on the medication and that I am essentially doing this to myself. They don't understand. I have a lot of anger and grief over being put on these medications in the first place.

The only person who really listens to me when I talk about withdrawal is my husband. He's been super supportive of me doing this, but I also don't want to burn him out. I can't talk about this 24/7. I have been actively trying to talk about it less and be present and here in the moment. But sometimes its just really really really hard.

Hi @Lizardpushups I'm so sorry you are still in the thick of some symptoms.

I certainly understand the lingering doubt, it's just natural when suffering let alone in such a long and winding process but as you noted, not much good comes from these drugs, the destructive effects as we all witness continue to strike long long after, luckily we have a wonderfully flexible system that is constantly renewed and geared towards healing which is the way you're headed.

I sympathize with the loneliness, It can feel very isolating and lonely with many who want to support but simply can't, not out of malice, they simply don't know how to contain such an amount of suffering and stay helpless but you were blessed with a supportive husband which is a huge plus including this lovely forum that will accompany you always when needed.

Hang in there, brighter days are just around the corner.

49 minutes ago, Fullhealing said:

you were blessed with a supportive husband which is a huge plus including this lovely forum that will accompany you always when needed.

Thank you for the kind words, Fullhealing. I know it has been noted on here before, but mornings are just so hard. 😟 I'm already way better than I was earlier, and I'm writing this here as a reminder to myself that this seems to be the pattern. It's so easy to forget this when in a wave.

1 hour ago, Lizardpushups said:

Thank you for the kind words, Fullhealing. I know it has been noted on here before, but mornings are just so hard. 😟 I'm already way better than I was earlier, and I'm writing this here as a reminder to myself that this seems to be the pattern. It's so easy to forget this when in a wave.

I'm glad it's improving for you although it's still challenging, I know it's so easy to forget in the midst, there with you, writing it down is a great reminder indeed for me as well.

Keep going you're doing great!!

14 hours ago, Lizardpushups said:

Woke up feeling okay, not too much panic this time. Walked my dogs for an hour and then went into work. I am having pretty annoying sensations of derealization/depersonalization today. Lots of thoughts that I've made a terrible mistake getting off of this med and that I am never going to be the same again.

Great to hear :)

14 hours ago, Lizardpushups said:

I'm not going to lie, I am pretty scared. I am terrified that I have ruined my life by doing this. I know this is just a bad moment, and will pass, but the feelings and thoughts are never fun.

I know we all have moments of fear. As you say, just a bad moment, today is rough for me, I felt that frustration creeping in, and immediately everything was even worse. Soon turned that around.

14 hours ago, Lizardpushups said:

I mostly just feel lonely. I don't have anyone to talk to about this experience. When I've mentioned what this has been like to friends, they don't have the same sort of understanding. It has been a lot of oh well you'll be good in a few months?

Yes, we all feel this. No doubt about it. It doesn't make sense does it by normal standards. I mostly get lip service from people. Some seem to kinda get it, others I can tell absolutely don't family are 100% the worse for this.

14 hours ago, Lizardpushups said:

The only person who really listens to me when I talk about withdrawal is my husband. He's been super supportive of me doing this, but I also don't want to burn him out. I can't talk about this 24/7. I have been actively trying to talk about it less and be present and here in the moment. But sometimes its just really really really hard.

Same, my wife and son always there always behind me. I think I found this at first, as time has passed I am lighter and more relaxed and also improving, it is still a huge part of my life and my day however I can now live a bit, I am interested in other things not just forcing myself to be, it is still hard, but slowly we move forward, don't feel guilty about need some support at the moment, please say thank you to your husband from us for getting it, it means the world to us all here that he is there for you. xxx

8/31/2026

Doing better. Actually had a moment this morning where I was taking that trash bins out, and thought "Hey... I feel normal?" I am no longer waking with that panic feeling or having intense morning anxiety. When I do have it, I have largely learned how to work through it or simply tolerate it. Only negative thing about this is that now all I want to do is sleep in! But that is a small problem compared to what I was dealing with before.

I am feeling positive about this again. I know it is not a linear journey, and there will be many dips along the way, but I am thankful for these small moments of normalcy that are returning. I feel like I haven't felt like myself or normal and level in almost two years.

On 8/26/2026 at 2:06 PM, Fullhealing said:

I'm glad it's improving for you although it's still challenging, I know it's so easy to forget in the midst, there with you, writing it down is a great reminder indeed for me as well.

Keep going you're doing great!!

Thank you for the response Fullhealing! It helps so much to come back to this kind of positivity. I hope you are doing well also!

On 8/27/2026 at 12:21 AM, Chippy said:

Same, my wife and son always there always behind me. I think I found this at first, as time has passed I am lighter and more relaxed and also improving, it is still a huge part of my life and my day however I can now live a bit, I am interested in other things not just forcing myself to be, it is still hard, but slowly we move forward, don't feel guilty about need some support at the moment, please say thank you to your husband from us for getting it, it means the world to us all here that he is there for you.

Thank you so much. ❤️ It really helps hearing from someone who's further along and can say that things do slowly get better. That's exactly what I needed to hear today.

Wishing you continued healing; we'll all get there one day at a time.

@Lizardpushups Good to see you are doing well. Did you ever have any vision issues with the Lamictal when you took it?

9 hours ago, Lizardpushups said:

Doing better. Actually had a moment this morning where I was taking that trash bins out, and thought "Hey... I feel normal?" I

Love this! :)

Hi @Kahran ! I hope you are having a good day!

It’s really hard for me to say, because I took the Lamictal at the same time as the Topiramate and the Lexapro. I did have maybe blurry vision and often felt like I had to squint, but nothing to such a level that it impeded my daily life. This has largely gone away for me since hitting zero.

On 9/1/2026 at 12:22 AM, Lizardpushups said:

Doing better. Actually had a moment this morning where I was taking that trash bins out, and thought "Hey... I feel normal?" I am no longer waking with that panic feeling or having intense morning anxiety. When I do have it, I have largely learned how to work through it or simply tolerate it. Only negative thing about this is that now all I want to do is sleep in! But that is a small problem compared to what I was dealing with before.

I am feeling positive about this again. I know it is not a linear journey, and there will be many dips along the way, but I am thankful for these small moments of normalcy that are returning. I feel like I haven't felt like myself or normal and level in almost two years.

I know you've been suffering for a couple of years, but you've been off of all drugs for just over 4 months, and at this kind of timeframe this is really positive progress.

I hope that continues for you.