18 minutes ago, Its-me-Rosie said:

Yesterday culminated in the worst wave I’ve had for months. I had acute Akithaisa in the evening which was very scary and intense only for 5 minutes but it’s triggered a PTSD spiral and panic I think it’s going to take me a while to recover from it.

I don’t understand why. My only guess is that the acute stress I was under last week triggered a wave and I’ve not rested this weekend I’ve been quite busy and mostly been ‘distracting’ and perhaps this was not the best way to deal with it.

My brain is looping constantly on not so nice stuff and my body feels full of panic. The good news is that even in this state last night I slept for 5.5 hours which is amazing as in the past on days like this I’d have slept for 1-3 at most.

I can only hope that these waves lead to more healing as so many people say they do. Thinking that way is the only thing that fads me through them and the knowledge that I’ve had sparkly windows in the not too distant past.

This is not my real brain, this is my meds injured brain and it will calm down 🙏

Rosie. I’m sorry to read this. There is no likely logic behind it. It could be stress. We think this can trigger things. But it could just be the natural non linear journey healing takes. As you said, I believe increased symptoms=increased healing. Xxx

1 hour ago, Its-me-Rosie said:

Yesterday culminated in the worst wave I’ve had for months. I had acute Akithaisa in the evening which was very scary and intense only for 5 minutes but it’s triggered a PTSD spiral and panic I think it’s going to take me a while to recover from it.

I don’t understand why. My only guess is that the acute stress I was under last week triggered a wave and I’ve not rested this weekend I’ve been quite busy and mostly been ‘distracting’ and perhaps this was not the best way to deal with it.

My brain is looping constantly on not so nice stuff and my body feels full of panic. The good news is that even in this state last night I slept for 5.5 hours which is amazing as in the past on days like this I’d have slept for 1-3 at most.

I can only hope that these waves lead to more healing as so many people say they do. Thinking that way is the only thing that fads me through them and the knowledge that I’ve had sparkly windows in the not too distant past.

This is not my real brain, this is my meds injured brain and it will calm down 🙏

Hey @Its-me-Rosie I'm truly sorry about the rough patch, so awful when it hits! it's definitely not your normal brain rather very angry chemicals that amplify stress in an extreme way, I know this all too well, it's like common sense flies out the window and the whole body goes into an acute and uncontrolled reaction but as chippy say, lots of symptoms = lots of healing, I'm holding on to it, I must to, these chemicals are so unpredictable and can stubbornly accompany us until the system finds balance which will happen at some point, we just have to keep fighting bravly which you already greatly do.

Hopefully this patch will go away very soon!

Take care.

Edited April 27Apr 27 by Fullhealing

Oh @Its-me-Rosie all this sounds frightening. So sorry to hear what you're going through. It's amazing you can still see the positives despite. Wishing you all the best for your healing 🤗

Thanks @Catbird

I don’t feel that positive but I’m trying to be.

Today I’ve deleted all the WD coaches I was following on instagram. Not because I don’t like them! But because even in a good moment if I check my phone I’ll see their videos and I wonder if that’s just reminds my brain I’m in WD and I then scan for symptoms.

I don’t how to stop scanning for symptoms when I wake up in the morning. It seems to slowly stop on its one in windows, but in waves I feel like I scan relentlessly.

Has anyone heard of tdcs? The FLOW device specifically. I have no plans to use one but my mums keen for me to try it. I’m

Not so sure I want to stimulate my brain! But thought I’d ask anyway if anyone has tried it.

I did a search on the old SA website and just saw one very negative review.

These waves are so brutal but I just keep reading my old window diary entries and know that I’ve felt much better than this in the not so recent past and that it could lift at any moment and I will feel hopeful again. It’s the heavy hopelessness that’s so hard.

Thanks

Rosie

Hey @Its-me-Rosie sorry you’re still in a wave mate. Try not to fight anything would be my advice, including the symptom scanning. It’s likely a symptom in of itself. Just let your mind scan if that’s what it needs to do. It will likely do it less if you float and not resist it.

I’d not do anything that puts electrical currents through your head. I’ve not heard of these devices before, but it’s just an attempt to fix you. You know that’s a path to more potential harm often. (Ie. Cold water and supplements etc)

Sorry it’s so hard atm. You are right, you’ve been better and this is just a very normal wave and part of your healing journey.

Xxxxx

2 hours ago, Its-me-Rosie said:

Has anyone heard of tdcs? The FLOW device specifically. I have no plans to use one but my mums keen for me to try it. I’m

Not so sure I want to stimulate my brain! But thought I’d ask anyway if anyone has tried it.

I tried it briefly fairly early on. No effect either way, but it did burn my skin.

Just like psychiatric medication, the "scientific basis" on which they base it being effective is pretty much " we tried it on people and it seemed to help some".

I regret ever trying it and was under immense pressure from my family at the time, but I don't think it cause any harm.

You've had good windows, I think it would be unwise to introduce new interventions purely after a rough patch. Please consider that you're 14ish months off, you've made encouraging progress, and about 1.5 years/18 months is a common, lower end of the time period where people turn a corner. You seem to be moving towards that. I'd strongly encourage you to just accept that the coming months are likely to be hard, but that waiting for them to pass is the best thing you can do, and that any ok/good days in those months are a bonus.

Yes, it's tough to accept, but in my opinion it's harder than expecting to be good and then dealing with rough patches.

If you were 100% ok all the time now, that would have been quite a rapid recovery, it's to be expected that you still have rough patches in this timeframe, but you've made huge, huge progress towards recovery and pretty much everyone I've seen making this much progress at this kind of timeframe went on to recover.

@Its-me-Rosie I thought this quote from a success story might benefit you:

"As anyone who has walked this path knows, all but one window is followed by a wave. This was a brutal reality to accept. But something important began to happen: each wave was followed by a slightly improved baseline—often imperceptible at the time, but real nonetheless."

This is the pattern you're in. You've been having better and better windows, you've been making progress overall. Even in the waves/rough patches you're having improvements overall (you're now sleeping much more even in waves).

You are moving forwards. I suggest trying to get out of the mindset that every good period is the last and permanent one, and instead try to accept that you're in the process described in this quote: you're getting better and recovering over time. Some of that time might be ok, some of it might not, but down the line you're moving towards being recovered.

The trend is clear.

4 hours ago, Its-me-Rosie said:

Thanks @Catbird

I don’t feel that positive but I’m trying to be.

Today I’ve deleted all the WD coaches I was following on instagram. Not because I don’t like them! But because even in a good moment if I check my phone I’ll see their videos and I wonder if that’s just reminds my brain I’m in WD and I then scan for symptoms.

I don’t how to stop scanning for symptoms when I wake up in the morning. It seems to slowly stop on its one in windows, but in waves I feel like I scan relentlessly.

Has anyone heard of tdcs? The FLOW device specifically. I have no plans to use one but my mums keen for me to try it. I’m

Not so sure I want to stimulate my brain! But thought I’d ask anyway if anyone has tried it.

I did a search on the old SA website and just saw one very negative review.

These waves are so brutal but I just keep reading my old window diary entries and know that I’ve felt much better than this in the not so recent past and that it could lift at any moment and I will feel hopeful again. It’s the heavy hopelessness that’s so hard.

Thanks

Rosie

@Its-me-Rosie I fully understand the hyper vigilance. I have CPTSD so it's been my life. I 've found the acceptance snd allowing videos really useful. And yet you still seem to be able to appreciate the small things in life. Personally I try to stay away from gadgets. A lot of people are looking to sell quick fixes.

One thing that's helped me over the last 6 months has been going keto. My cognition has markedly improved and I feel much calmer overall. It hasn't helped facilitate tapering, although it's made enduring it more. I posted a useful video on my site recently if you're interested. Can understand if you think it's too much to take on, especially as you have family responsibilities and current life stressors.

I enjoy reading your updates 🤗

Thanks @Catbird @Luke

This wave is just very brutal mentally my brain is on a constant looping dark stuff merry go round with inner Akithasia.

I got maybe 20 minutes respite yesterday where I felt soooo much better and ‘normal’ and then bam 💥 it was gone.

Day 6 today, got a coaching session so I hope that may help a little. It’s just so scary when these waves come.

I know I had a lot of stress last week and the week before last which likely triggered it as my window felt quite strong and solid. But who knows.

I won’t try the FLOW I was just intrigued if anyone had tried it.

Day 6 of mr wave today and hoping it lifts soon.

I do agree I have had some good windows but it’s hard to remember them when a heavy wave comes.

@Catbird i have tried low Carb but haven’t gone Keto because I’m so thin as it is and lose my appetite in waves so just need to try and get some type of food down me. I also can’t eat dairy as that makes me stomach issues a lot worse…

So I’d be very limited if I went KETO.

What I do, is have meat (I was veggie before all of this) and some veggies and nuts/avocado/eggs etc and have tried to reduce things like white bread and white rice and I don’t each any refined sugar or crisps etc.

My diet is healthy and I’m trying to eat lots of fats for my brain. KETO is a hot topic! And I’m sure it would be helpful. I’ve heard people say carnivore was the only thing that stopped their Akithaisa! But I’ve had many windows 🪟 and struggle to eat meat as it is so I’ve decided to just try and eat an all round healthy diet that’s low carb and greater in fat.

Thankyou for the support. It’s been a really rough week I’m feeling pretty deflated (understatement!)

But to try and find a positive

• I’ve been sleeping 7 hours straight All through this wave, previous waves that has never happened.

Thanks all

Rosie

Hi @Its-me-Rosie Lowering carbs is a great approach already. Seems you're already doing what's benefitting you nutritionally. And so sorry you're still dealing with nasty waves.

I understand the idea of keto can be full on. I've a couple of friends who've done the carnivore with great success., especially for autoimmune and joint pain. I've heard that keto is actually weight sparing if you're worried about further weight loss. I've attached a video below you might find useful.

On 4/29/2026 at 6:33 AM, Its-me-Rosie said:

Has anyone heard of tdcs? The FLOW device specifically.

Yes I recommend it to some of my patients who have depression that has not responded to medication or who don't want medication. Out of 5 people, 3 have had good responses. But it needs to be said that it only has evidence for depression. This evidence is actually reasonable, as the initial trial paper was published in Nature (the top scientific journal) and it is approved by the NHS. BUT, all 5 patients of mine had depression, not WD. I would be very wary of using it for WD because it is another stimulus to the brain. At best it won't work, at worst it will make things worse. And it costs £400.

Edited April 30Apr 30 by Sminismoni

15 month update (one day late!)

15 months is here.

Oof what a month.

I can safely say that month 13 was the best month I’ve had in WD so far. I only had 4 days of waves in that month….

Sadly, month 14 was not the same. I had a brutal 2 week wave that was insane to be honest. Incredibly intense, deep depression, strong Akithasia and very little hope. I felt like I was back to month 2, or month 9 when I also had a horiffic wave.

I had insomnia, I couldn’t eat, I felt totally helpless and maybe even worse than being in acute. As at that time it made more sense as I’d just come off my meds and mentally I could tell myself it would be over soon 🥴It was agonising and I felt totally none functional for a few days. The other days I was just barely getting through. And then it lifted….just like that.

It ended. It lasted 2 weeks and ended….its been 8 days now and I’ve been in a dirty window.

Sadly I don’t feel I’ve reaped any major wave healing benefits as I started with a nasty cold half way through my wave AND earlier this week I pulled my back (an old injury and bulging disc) and was in severe pain for 3 days. I had to take Paracetamol (managed to stay away from anything stronger) and the pain has finally lifted.

sadly this window isn’t as sparkly as this heavy cold and back pain is damping it down. It’s more dirty, but I’m hoping at some point it will lift to a nice sparkly one.

I was very scared by the intensity of my wave, especially as I had experienced a relatively decent period where things were OK. My nervous system is extremely sensitive and while this wave could have been random, I believe it was triggered by several stressful events in the week leading up to it starting. I can’t prove it! But I have a strong gut feeling the intensity was so severe because of the stress.

At difficult times Baylissas book always reassures me, as she had such hard and intense waves late in to her withdrawal, and healing happened not long afterwards.

My hope is restored today and I have some positive thoughts that once my body has physically recovered from the stress of the virus and the back strain, that my NS will calm down enough to give me

Another sparkly window. Pain is triggering so I can’t expect to be in a nice window when my backs been agony!

I can almost feel my NS is trying to heal. It’s bizarre. Today for example I’ve been in and out of intense anxiety, like a switch it goes and I feel good!! Then bam 💥 15 minutes later it’s back and overwhelming again. It’s like it’s trying to heal but doesn’t know how!

Practices I am doing :

• Breathpod breathing app twice a day

• Trying to allow and accept as per the approach by the Mindful Gardnener and Samantha Miller but it’s very hard

• Trying not to google, not watching too many WD videos anymore and generally trying to consume less WD content

• Trying to talk less about my Symtoms as of now!!! I’ve tried before but always failed. 😣

• Trying to eat a good balanced diet

• Trying to be kind to myself and stop holding myself to a timeline

Gratitudes

• the wave was hell but it lifted, it shows me that my brain has the capacity to change and heal. Even the hardest moments won’t last forever.

• I’ve reached month 15 and know with every passing month I get closer to a state of regulation and healing

• I’ve survived some really stressful events in WD and still have had windows (both kids been in hospital, had multiple illnesses in this past 15 months, serious money worries due to losing my career, sick family members)

• Withdrawal is insanely hard but in windows I feel more deeply, I love more deeply, I’m more connected to the world and feel so grateful to be alive , I can’t wait for that feeling to last.

Sending love and hope to all. It can feel like no progress is being made, but fortunately we have many who have walked this path before us who can safely say that healing is happening and that we will heal.

I really appreciate this forum, but have to acknowledge that the more I read about WD stories the more i find it hard to let go.

As you know (anyone reading my thread) I’m very easily triggered.

And so I will continue just to be on here a little less and try to aim for a monthly check in and stick more to my own page.

But please feel free to message me and I would love to read replies when I do come back on.

Peace ✌️

Rosie x 🌷

Thanks for the update.

The fact that you've had very encouraging months is good. It's very difficult psychologically to feel as though we're going backwards, to have setbacks. However, they're just part of the process. The symptoms are almost incidental, the main thing is that you eventually reach recovery.

Your practices seem good. It's great that you're making the effort to stop and list things you're grateful for. I'm noticing a good shift in mindset, even though you're still in this, you are becoming more resilient. There are also some great signs in those gratitudes, even though you've had a difficult time of it lately.

15 hours ago, Its-me-Rosie said:

I’ve reached month 15 and know with every passing month I get closer to a state of regulation and healing

I very much believe that you are.

@Its-me-Rosie thanks for updating us on how you are, only a matter of time, you can see the stablity coming in your posts, just so non-linear. Snap on the back, awful for 3-4 days this week!

16 month update (2 days early as I don’t go online over weekends)

Well here I am at 16 months…from 15-16 months has been a heck of a better month than month 14!!

I was in a dirty window following my intense wave at the beginning of month 15. It felt like a wave hangover.

It lifted and I got two weeks of a very lovely and very sparkly window. I’d say I had at least 5 days in a row where I felt 100% healed, other days was 80-90%.

As usual it hasn’t lasted, I’m back in to a wave that started 3 days as a mild wave and has progressed today to be stronger.

Ongoing symptoms

• anxiety (this word does not do it justice) it’s more like agitation. It varies in intensity from mild to severe, at its worst I feel like crawling out of my skin. I think 🤔 those moments are becoming less overall. When I get this way I can’t really do much but let it pass.

• Weeping spells and depression pockets. Usually lasting 1-3 days

• Terrible gut health. No normal stools for 16 months now. Getting a bit old!

• Some looping brain but not the bad dark stuff if used to be just getting stuck on stuff and ruminating.

• Physical stuff mostly gone but in a wave can get mild dizziness and wooziness and occasional poor sleep.

noticeable positives

• my sleep is MOSTLY very good. I’ve been consistently getting 6-8 hours a night. The odd night I don’t sleep well seems to be full moon or cycle related! I don’t want to jinx this

• I’m having very vivid dreams. I’m seeing this as a positive as I have not dreamed for many years at this stage.

• My SI and dark looping thoughts are quite significantly reduced. Maybe by 60%. I used to get horrid thoughts most of the time, in bad waves it could be almost all day and the second I woke up, looping on death, dying, morbid stuff. I noticed during my 14 month wave that although I felt horiffic, the thoughts weren’t as present. This theme has continued and I’m feeling more confident to say now that this Symptom does seem to be easing for me and it seems to be consistent wave or window. It’s still there but defo not as intense.

• I’ve had quite a few days recently where I’ve woken up within an Adrenalin dump, even on previous window days…I’d still wake up with that morning cortisol surge. It’s back now in this wave but during my window it was noticeably absent.

Healing practices

• I continue to use Samantha Millers meditations on the ‘great allowing’ on YouTube. I was mostly just listening to her content but in the past 5 weeks or so I’ve actually started to do the meditations fully and I feel they benefit me. In time I hope they help me more.

• Talking less about WD but that’s hard some days. Other days I could say I’m healed and not even think about it. It’s cruel how none linear this journey is.

• Daily walking

• Trying to eat a healthy balanced diet

• I’ve stopped doing so much in windows. I think I was setting myself up to fail. I think in previous windows I’ve been hectic and tried to catch up on lost time and maybe??! Triggered waves. Who knows if they’d come anyway. But I’m more mindful now.

• Coaches, I’m seeing Joanna, she’s great and I really like her. Her WD was similar to mine, some windows and waves. She offers reassurance and hope, it’s £38 for half an hour so I only see her monthly.

Questions for anyone who’s reading I’d be so grateful for responses or support…

• anyone else still having a bad gut at this stage? I have loose bowels every day. It’s really not the worst of my Symtoms but this hasn’t stopped In windows. I’ve had a Gp stool sample and does a private ‘fit’ test that tests for blood. All clear. It’s WD obvs!

• The crying spells and depression pockets, I feel like they are going on for ages and feel quite alone with it. The same with the agitation, surely it will go one day 🙏

• Any support to just keep positive during these waves after nice windows. I’m grateful for the windows and appreciate lots of you won’t get them and may think I need to stop moaning so much for those of you who have not had windows. Im trying it to be positive, but to have hope return, peace return and to feel joy feels incredible. And then it goes…which feels soul destroying, rinse and repeat cycle. I think my windows are getting better. Does this mean healing is imminent? I doubt it! But I can still try to hope, although some days my hope remains low even with the windows.

Sending peace love and light to all.

I’ll be back to check comments today (if anyone wants to reply!) and then it will be another month for me.

If anyone has any success stories to send to me or any hope in their journey please send it my way.

One more thing. I have a healing buddy called Rachael who’s not on here. She’s 27 months off and she’s doing a lot better and I wanted to share that. She didn’t get she windows until the 24 month mark and now she’s having loads! So for anyone reading this who isn’t having windows, there is hope. Her Symptoms are mostly mental xx

Hi @Its-me-Rosie thanks for the comprehensive update. Sounds like you're managing reasonably well despite the waves.

About your gut — the one thing that's worked for me is the keto diet. It's improved my gut health no end.

Take care and wishing you more windows 🤗

Thankyou .

I’m reluctant to go KETO as some of my best windows have been when my appetite has increased, and I’ve ended up eating lots of carbs such as whole grain sandwiches and sourdough toast. Obviously, I don’t know what it would be like to go keto, but I do know that I have been having these windows on carbs.

The other thing I worry about with keto, is that quite often people say they get a lot of energy from the ketones. I believe Angie Peacock spoke about this and my coach Joanna also, and a few other random people I’ve read about online. One of my main issues is that my body is full of energy, and on the hard days it doesn’t know what to do with all that energy I have so much. I don’t have to pace as much these days, but I definitely do not want any more energy in my body, so it feels really scary to me the idea of doing something that could make me have more energy. To be fair, everything just feels scary for me, and going keto is something that I’ve not yet tried and down the line is something I may try should this windows and wave pattern continue for a very long period of time without much more evidence of healing.

I have tried low-carb, but I do find in the morning when I’m very anxious eating a piece of brown sourdough really seem to take the edge off my anxiety.

I haven’t been low-carb for awhile, but I think it’s potentially worth a try to go low-carb again and see how it affects me this time. My diet has slipped a little bit recently, I don’t particularly eat unhealthy food but in my window I did have a piece of cake and a packet of crisps most days. The cake didn’t seem to trigger any issues at the time, but generally I’ve stayed completely away from refined sugar and processed food.

Did keto help your mood at all?

2 hours ago, Its-me-Rosie said:

I was in a dirty window following my intense wave at the beginning of month 15. It felt like a wave hangover.

It lifted and I got two weeks of a very lovely and very sparkly window. I’d say I had at least 5 days in a row where I felt 100% healed, other days was 80-90%.

Hi Rosie, nice to meet you 😊 This is very good news! I'm 12 months off but still struggling with depression-like symptoms (anhedonia, apathy, emotional numbness). I hope that in a few months I can have windows similar to yours.

2 hours ago, Its-me-Rosie said:

I’m grateful for the windows and appreciate lots of you won’t get them and may think I need to stop moaning so much for those of you who have not had windows. Im trying it to be positive, but to have hope return, peace return and to feel joy feels incredible. And then it goes…which feels soul destroying, rinse and repeat cycle.

I understand what you're saying and I empathize. My WD injury is roughly 80% mental and 20% physical. In some ways I consider myself blessed to not have to experience certain symptoms but at the same time I hatethat I experience so few positive emotions and can't really visualize recovering from this. It sucks!

All of us here share similar experiences/symptoms but our WD experience is our own. You will not find two stories or recovery paths that are exactly the same. Just because you have more or better windows than someone else, doesn't mean you can't still have moments where things feel hard or overwhelming. So yeah, having ups and downs is very frustrating indeed because of how big the contrast is.

You're on the right path, Rosie. Keep walking ❤️

Wishing you more improvement 😊

When did your OCD looping thoughts stop or were less prominent? I am now 13 months off Lexapro and want to see what other people's timelines are for this. It is my main issue at the moment. Thanks.

Hi @Niels91 thanks for replying to me.

Nice to meet you too. Wish it wasn’t under these circumstances. My depression pockets come with intense feelings of doom and some inconsolable tears and it all feels very pointless. It’s all very dramatic, and then those feelings pass for me and I get the windows of hope and joy.

I seem to be getting more depression pockets the past 3 months, but as my intrusive thoughts have lifted a little I sort of wonder if the depression has just filled the gap. It’s very confusing, I try not be too afraid of it as it doesn’t feel like the real me. But on the day I can’t stop sobbing I do admit that I find myself wondering what on earths going on.

@ExLexaBro I am loving your name! Made me smile!

And I’m in a wave so that’s hard!

Well

I basically had the worst looping thoughts following my Compazine injury which Prozac never really got rid of but reduced slightly. During tapering they’d hit hard so I’d say really since my injury in March 2023 I’ve hardly had any time periods where the thoughts were noticeable absent for longer then a few days.

BUT I realised at the end of my last wave which ended agout 3 weeks ago now…that the wave had been awful but my thoughts whilst being depressive and anxious hadn’t been constantly looping on morbid stuff. If you scroll back I’ve detailed more content but you get the gist! SI very prevalent and would loop even on a window day.

I then went back in my diary and realised that from around 13.5 months my thoughts had eased off a lot. And in my most recent window which was 2 weeks long I didn’t get one looping dark thought.

Not ONE!!!!

I’ve had a few today I’m back in a wave but it’s not stuck things looping around my head. It’s a shit thought that matches how shit I feel and the it passes.

I honestly never thought I’d get a break from these thoughts and used to watch Melissa Boutelliers videos on repeat for hope as her thoughts sounded similar if not worse than mine.

Whilst my mood currently sucks and I’ve cried most of the day and my white iron is back…I do have HOPE to share as if my looping thoughts can ease off by 60% or so then so can yours.

I did buy the ‘overcoming intrusive thoughts’ book by Sally Winston and followed her basic advice which I’d say helped 5-10%.

If anyone else on here is having depression pockets that are intense at this stage out or has gone through them I’d appreciate some hope on that front today.

Feel so darn depressed!!! 2 days ago I felt happy and full of hope!!

Thanks all

Rosie x

Thank you, @Its-me-Rosie, to share the case of your buddy, it gives me a hope. My symptoms are also exclusively mental: dark depression, anxiety, insomnia...

@skamen you are going through a very hard time. We all are. But I’m sorry for what you are experiencing,

I had total insomnia for several weeks and had days on end where I did not sleep.

It will pass I’m sure of it, when I cannot say, but sleep will return 💖

My sleep is mostly very good apart from the odd night. I had a bout of insomnia last month for 2 nights and I did take a nibble of Benadryl and it helped but I don’t advise this. It Carries risk. I’ve been ok with it and took quite a lot in acute withdrawl bit it carried its own withdrawl risk. But my inner Akithasia was so bad it was one of the few things that relived it like 10%. I don’t want to encourage you to take it, but I also don’t want to lie and say I didn’t need anything to help me as I felt 24/7 at one point I was going to jump out of my skin.

That feeling is the one I still get in waves, but it’s now on a scale and is quite severe today but yesterday was much milder. In windows it totally goes now and it’s IMPOSSIBLE to imagine it will ever go when you are in it.

Even if I didn’t have it for 5 days and then it comes back, it’s like I can’t remember those 5 days and it’s just as bad as it’s always been. It’s a horrid horrid thing and causes great despair and those that have had it are all together in the crappest club in the world!!

It does go. It will go. I’ve just had a 2 week break from it, earlier in the year I got a 6 week break from it. Eventually that will become months I hope!!

Keep plodding on. Try to get outside if you can and get some sunshine. Try anything you can to distract. It’s awful I do understand I Truly do, that feeling drives my depression. If it’s not there I feel well and clear and happy.

I’m not coming back on the forum now for a month, I prefer at this stage to stay off and try to keep my brain on other things. I’ve had a very intense day and allowed myself to watch some success stories and videos and have found myself immersed in them and I get addicted looking for reassurance when I’m in a wave….

But I’ll come back in a month and hopefully I’ll have good news to report at my 17 month mark that more windows have been had!! Month 13 was by far my best month of WD so far. Hoping once this wave shoves off then month 17 may top it 🙏 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

Love and hope to all

✌️ Rosie x

Ps. @skamen please make sure you are eating. One or the few things that eases my Inner Akithasia is food. It’s so so hard to eat when you are in terror, but it does help and it does ease it like 5%. High fat and high protein food for your brain.

Please eat, I hope you are xxx all the best

2 hours ago, Its-me-Rosie said:

Hi @Niels91 thanks for replying to me.

Nice to meet you too. Wish it wasn’t under these circumstances. My depression pockets come with intense feelings of doom and some inconsolable tears and it all feels very pointless. It’s all very dramatic, and then those feelings pass for me and I get the windows of hope and joy.

I seem to be getting more depression pockets the past 3 months, but as my intrusive thoughts have lifted a little I sort of wonder if the depression has just filled the gap. It’s very confusing, I try not be too afraid of it as it doesn’t feel like the real me. But on the day I can’t stop sobbing I do admit that I find myself wondering what on earths going on.

@ExLexaBro I am loving your name! Made me smile!

And I’m in a wave so that’s hard!

Well

I basically had the worst looping thoughts following my Compazine injury which Prozac never really got rid of but reduced slightly. During tapering they’d hit hard so I’d say really since my injury in March 2023 I’ve hardly had any time periods where the thoughts were noticeable absent for longer then a few days.

BUT I realised at the end of my last wave which ended agout 3 weeks ago now…that the wave had been awful but my thoughts whilst being depressive and anxious hadn’t been constantly looping on morbid stuff. If you scroll back I’ve detailed more content but you get the gist! SI very prevalent and would loop even on a window day.

I then went back in my diary and realised that from around 13.5 months my thoughts had eased off a lot. And in my most recent window which was 2 weeks long I didn’t get one looping dark thought.

Not ONE!!!!

I’ve had a few today I’m back in a wave but it’s not stuck things looping around my head. It’s a shit thought that matches how shit I feel and the it passes.

I honestly never thought I’d get a break from these thoughts and used to watch Melissa Boutelliers videos on repeat for hope as her thoughts sounded similar if not worse than mine.

Whilst my mood currently sucks and I’ve cried most of the day and my white iron is back…I do have HOPE to share as if my looping thoughts can ease off by 60% or so then so can yours.

I did buy the ‘overcoming intrusive thoughts’ book by Sally Winston and followed her basic advice which I’d say helped 5-10%.

If anyone else on here is having depression pockets that are intense at this stage out or has gone through them I’d appreciate some hope on that front today.

Feel so darn depressed!!! 2 days ago I felt happy and full of hope!!

Thanks all

Rosie x

Thank you for your quick reply. Haha yes the name was something I dreamt up in the hell of withdrawal and it made me laugh and do that is my new identity now.

Hopefully at 13.5 months my OCD will be much less too. I just have contamination OCD as my previous disorder before the meds and now after coming off, it is much worse and hope it will ease up or else I might try a reinstatement.

Good luck to you as well.

11 hours ago, Its-me-Rosie said:

• anyone else still having a bad gut at this stage? I have loose bowels every day. It’s really not the worst of my Symtoms but this hasn’t stopped In windows. I’ve had a Gp stool sample and does a private ‘fit’ test that tests for blood. All clear. It’s WD obvs!

I don't have the same symptoms, but yes, at more than 3 years off.

11 hours ago, Its-me-Rosie said:

• Any support to just keep positive during these waves after nice windows. I’m grateful for the windows and appreciate lots of you won’t get them and may think I need to stop moaning so much for those of you who have not had windows. Im trying it to be positive, but to have hope return, peace return and to feel joy feels incredible. And then it goes…which feels soul destroying, rinse and repeat cycle. I think my windows are getting better. Does this mean healing is imminent? I doubt it! But I can still try to hope, although some days my hope remains low even with the windows.

You're very clearly trending towards recovery with every update.

Windows are getting longer, and better, even feeling 100% healed, or close enough to it that you can't tell otherwise.

You're well on track.