On 6/24/2026 at 7:26 PM, poulette38 said:

I hope you have acceptable temperatures? In Paris, it has never been this hot in decades. People say it will calm down, but I don’t believe it.

It has been very hot here as well. Not as hot as in Paris, but close to it.

Hello everyone,

It’s the Titanic dive right now for me. I haven’t closed my eyes for three nights until 6 a.m. Today, I haven’t even left the house. I spent the whole day sitting on my chair looking out the window (which looks at a taxi stand, lol).

I have this unpleasant -euphemism- feeling of being in prison and watching life go by through the bars. I no longer understand anything around me: where are all these people going, why? Why is someone laughing in the street?

I’m losing my mind and my sense of time more and more. A few days ago, I had to check my phone to find out what day of the week and month it was.

My family asks about me from time to time and I sometimes talk to friends on WhatsApp. I’m afraid of the present and I’m afraid of the future, in fact, I’m afraid of everything. Fortunately, I believe in God.

I took these treatments for only a few weeks. Im 8 months off now. I don’t see any improvment, some symptoms even seem to be getting worse.

My only distraction is to listen to audio books that deepen the Bible. Then I manage to immerse myself in the Bible for only 5 minutes to highlight the important passages. Then I have to stop after 2 pages because my brain no longer follows and I feel dazzled, as if the whiteness of the pages emitted an unreal and blinding light.

I wanted to force myself to go to the cinema some time ago and, as since the beginning of this absurd event, nothing worked out for me. The movie was about illness and I literally had to contain my tears during the whole movie, clenching teeth so as not to burst into tears. I also wanted to buy popcorn like I would have in normal times. I didn’t feel like it, but I ate a few before the movie and had an unpleasant feeling of nausea during the whole movie.

The noise of the movie gave me a headache. Some music and the graphics were beautiful but I was unable to appreciate them.

I didn’t know until now that even something meant to relax you can turn into a nightmare.

I came out of the cinema exhausted from fatigue. 😔

I would avoid forcing myself to do things from now on, it’s pointless, the brain no longer responds to anything. One more disappointment. I came home even sadder.

One night I had a violent pain in my chest, like an awful stitch on my side, as if someone were driving a stone into my chest, with back pain and the return of muscle spasms. I feel like I have tectonic plates in my head; and sometimes, it’s more the impression of a crust healing: it’s painful, itchy, burning, then it scratches at some places on my head. During acute withdrawal, I literally scratched my whole body all day long, it had lasted several months. It’s back now, to the head.

I’m starting to believe, as we all do sometimes, that I’ve damaged my precious central nervous system too much, and that I’ll have to get an MRI to rule out any other cause. But well, I had lost the sense of touch during the acute withdrawal. (I was afraid of no longer being able to hold a pencil without feeling it, of no longer being able to shake the doctor’s hand with a minimum amount of force, myself having a lot of physical strength normally. -When I was a baby, it seems that I used to lift very heavy objects without making them fall-, and to no longer feel my feet on the ground). This led me to pay a very high price for a consultation with a neurologist for an EMG, which had proved to be normal. The neurologist explained to me that these treatments did not affect the peripheral nerves, did not destroy them; but inhibited them in the brain.

I assume that any further attempt at examination will lead to the same conclusion: withdrawal? 😒

Edited July 13Jul 13 by poulette38

Hang in there @poulette38 things will get better! I can just takes so much time unfortunately. You will be ok eventually xxxxxx

Thinking about you @poulette38. Like you, I suspect this is all withdrawal, but no harm in getting an MRI if you think it might bring you comfort to know there’s no additional damage. This is all too awful I know, but we are in it together and we will get through it.

Hi everyone. I’m stopping by to give you some news about this terrible journey through hell.

I was able to work this summer, but it came at the cost of absolutely colossal effort. Honestly, I have no idea how I managed to do all of that while living alone. In the end, I guess I’m doing relatively well, considering I was only fired once, during a one-week contract. Some days, the lethargy was so severe that even moving from the couch to my kitchen chair required a superhuman effort.

I’m extremely tired, and a general practitioner told me I looked unwell. (I didn’t make an appointment with her; I met her in a different setting.)

I still have this horrible feeling of having a damaged brain all day long. At night, it’s a festival of noises, pressure, strange sensations in my brain, etc.

I still have severe anhedonia and intense depersonalization/derealization. I’m really sick and tired of all of this. I’ve already lost almost 10 months of my life because of these horrible medications. Sometimes I have trouble breathing (I don’t really know how to describe it — like a sudden breath that comes out of nowhere). I think it’s because my respiratory system is still affected/hyperstimulated. I also have very little appetite, trouble finding the motivation to do anything, and frequent intrusive thoughts. I can only read about two pages in the evening, and the rest of the day I try to listen to a few podcasts or watch videos.

I keep remembering the person I was last autumn, when I was completely healthy and full of energy, before this disaster happened, and I can cry for hours. How could I have let this happen to me?

Especially because:

I thought I had done enough research, without knowing that everything I had been led to believe was false;

I had promised myself I would never take medication again;

I wanted to throw the medication in the trash;

I had tried, unsuccessfully, to reach out to other people beforehand so I could avoid taking it, but the dark side of consciousness had the final say. I had thoughts like, “Your situation is too serious, you’re in a hole,” — when that was completely untrue — but I was incapable of putting any rational plan into action to get myself out of it permanently on my own. I felt like absolutely everything was against me and that I had no one left but myself to save me, and I trusted false narratives because I thought they were helping me, when in reality I was making everything so much worse.

How could they have hurt me so much in such an insidious way? And who gave them the right?

And that I spent last autumn dragging myself to work even though my doctor had prescribed sick leave. But none of that counts. 🥹

I’m realizing just how cruel what I went through was, and I don’t even know what superhuman strength got me through that dead end.

I remember that after the short use of escitalopram, I could barely walk for more than 15 minutes at a time, yet I kept working and taking trains to attend training courses, even though I was already experiencing withdrawal (simple withdrawal).

I think I could have made a full recovery IF ONLY I had stopped after those five miserable days of taking it and simply let time do its work.

If only someone had explained to me that I was going through ordinary withdrawal, which would have resolved itself in about three months (according to Dr. Josef), and that adding more medications wouldn’t treat anything because I was suffering from WITHDRAWAL — and that continuing to add more medications would make me go through a completely different kind of hell called PROTRACTED WITHDRAWAL.

Anyway, starting every morning by telling yourself, “Another day I have to get through,” is so incredibly hard. Sometimes I have crying spells as soon as I wake up. Sometimes it happens during the day, sometimes in the evening, but there is always a moment when I break down.

I have a few weeks of vacation coming up, and I’m going to visit my family, but I’m terrified of it because I feel so disconnected from everything and everyone that I’ll have to pretend to be polite when all I really want is for someone to help me get through each day.

So I’m going to have more crying spells, and they’ll tell me, “You’re depressed,” or “But what’s wrong with you?” or some other ******** like that. When I was in the acute phase (I literally couldn’t do anything at all until around the beginning of April), my mother even told me, “You’re pretending to be sick so you don’t have to go to work.” Even though I had worked my ass off for years.

The brain brings all the traumatic words, actions, and decisions back to the surface, and it’s really hard to cope with. I’m doing my best to distract myself.

Yesterday, I went to Mass at the Sacré-Cœur Basilica in Montmartre. I almost turned around and went home because the stairs leading up to it seemed endless when you’re seeing everything blurry, dealing with DR/DP, and can barely stay on your feet because of exhaustion. You can imagine what an act of balancing that can be.

But I kept going.

I attended Mass standing up for a while, and then a woman who was helping run the event (probably because she took pity on me) found me a seat. It was a quiet moment that really did me good.

Why do we have to suffer so much in the greatest silence — in every sense of the word? Silence inside us, in our hearts and bodies, and silence outside us — no connection to what surrounds us, no understanding, no validation, except from this forum.

I hope that one day we will all have an answer to that question.

Ps: There was even a patient who left a voicemail after I treated her to say that she was very happy and that “she had rarely seen a professional who was so effective. Thank you so much.” (Her words.)

It should make me happy, but instead it makes me sad because I think I shouldn’t have to be this sick to hear something like that (because I feel like I deserve to hear it anyway).

Anyway, my colleague thanked me for covering for her, and I was happy to have found at least one situation where there was peace and everything went well, just for once.

I hope peace comes back into our lives, in every possible form. That’s all I ask for!

Edited yesterday at 11:58 AM1 day by poulette38

There was also a Christian festival happening at the same time that I hadn’t gone to last summer because I was too exhausted. I’d had a really difficult summer and had to cancel my train tickets at the last minute.

But anyway, this summer I decided to go and check it out, and it was really nice. I took a calligraphy workshop with some Benedictine sisters. We learned how to write with a quill and ink, like in the earliest manuscripts, following the traditional rules of calligraphy.

Here’s the result after one hour of the workshop.

I’ve always loved drawing, and I didn’t think I was capable of doing even a “little creative thing” in the state I was in, so I guess it’s a small victory.

It says: “Take courage, it is I.” (We had to draw Bible verses at random.)

Edited yesterday at 12:42 PM1 day by poulette38

47 minutes ago, poulette38 said:

There was also a Christian festival happening at the same time that I hadn’t gone to last summer because I was too exhausted. I’d had a really difficult summer and had to cancel my train tickets at the last minute.

But anyway, this summer I decided to go and check it out, and it was really nice. I took a calligraphy workshop with some Benedictine sisters. We learned how to write with a quill and ink, like in the earliest manuscripts, following the traditional rules of calligraphy.

Here’s the result after one hour of the workshop.

I’ve always loved drawing, and I didn’t think I was capable of doing even a “little creative thing” in the state I was in, so I guess it’s a small victory.

It says: “Take courage, it is I.” (We had to draw Bible verses at random.)

Tres beau!

5 hours ago, poulette38 said:

Hi everyone. I’m stopping by to give you some news about this terrible journey through hell.

I was able to work this summer, but it came at the cost of absolutely colossal effort. Honestly, I have no idea how I managed to do all of that while living alone. In the end, I guess I’m doing relatively well, considering I was only fired once, during a one-week contract. Some days, the lethargy was so severe that even moving from the couch to my kitchen chair required a superhuman effort.

I’m extremely tired, and a general practitioner told me I looked unwell. (I didn’t make an appointment with her; I met her in a different setting.)

I still have this horrible feeling of having a damaged brain all day long. At night, it’s a festival of noises, pressure, strange sensations in my brain, etc.

I still have severe anhedonia and intense depersonalization/derealization. I’m really sick and tired of all of this. I’ve already lost almost 10 months of my life because of these horrible medications. Sometimes I have trouble breathing (I don’t really know how to describe it — like a sudden breath that comes out of nowhere). I think it’s because my respiratory system is still affected/hyperstimulated. I also have very little appetite, trouble finding the motivation to do anything, and frequent intrusive thoughts. I can only read about two pages in the evening, and the rest of the day I try to listen to a few podcasts or watch videos.

I keep remembering the person I was last autumn, when I was completely healthy and full of energy, before this disaster happened, and I can cry for hours. How could I have let this happen to me?

Especially because:

I thought I had done enough research, without knowing that everything I had been led to believe was false;

I had promised myself I would never take medication again;

I wanted to throw the medication in the trash;

I had tried, unsuccessfully, to reach out to other people beforehand so I could avoid taking it, but the dark side of consciousness had the final say. I had thoughts like, “Your situation is too serious, you’re in a hole,” — when that was completely untrue — but I was incapable of putting any rational plan into action to get myself out of it permanently on my own. I felt like absolutely everything was against me and that I had no one left but myself to save me, and I trusted false narratives because I thought they were helping me, when in reality I was making everything so much worse.

How could they have hurt me so much in such an insidious way? And who gave them the right?

And that I spent last autumn dragging myself to work even though my doctor had prescribed sick leave. But none of that counts. 🥹

I’m realizing just how cruel what I went through was, and I don’t even know what superhuman strength got me through that dead end.

I remember that after the short use of escitalopram, I could barely walk for more than 15 minutes at a time, yet I kept working and taking trains to attend training courses, even though I was already experiencing withdrawal (simple withdrawal).

I think I could have made a full recovery IF ONLY I had stopped after those five miserable days of taking it and simply let time do its work.

If only someone had explained to me that I was going through ordinary withdrawal, which would have resolved itself in about three months (according to Dr. Josef), and that adding more medications wouldn’t treat anything because I was suffering from WITHDRAWAL — and that continuing to add more medications would make me go through a completely different kind of hell called PROTRACTED WITHDRAWAL.

Anyway, starting every morning by telling yourself, “Another day I have to get through,” is so incredibly hard. Sometimes I have crying spells as soon as I wake up. Sometimes it happens during the day, sometimes in the evening, but there is always a moment when I break down.

I have a few weeks of vacation coming up, and I’m going to visit my family, but I’m terrified of it because I feel so disconnected from everything and everyone that I’ll have to pretend to be polite when all I really want is for someone to help me get through each day.

So I’m going to have more crying spells, and they’ll tell me, “You’re depressed,” or “But what’s wrong with you?” or some other ******** like that. When I was in the acute phase (I literally couldn’t do anything at all until around the beginning of April), my mother even told me, “You’re pretending to be sick so you don’t have to go to work.” Even though I had worked my ass off for years.

The brain brings all the traumatic words, actions, and decisions back to the surface, and it’s really hard to cope with. I’m doing my best to distract myself.

Yesterday, I went to Mass at the Sacré-Cœur Basilica in Montmartre. I almost turned around and went home because the stairs leading up to it seemed endless when you’re seeing everything blurry, dealing with DR/DP, and can barely stay on your feet because of exhaustion. You can imagine what an act of balancing that can be.

But I kept going.

I attended Mass standing up for a while, and then a woman who was helping run the event (probably because she took pity on me) found me a seat. It was a quiet moment that really did me good.

Why do we have to suffer so much in the greatest silence — in every sense of the word? Silence inside us, in our hearts and bodies, and silence outside us — no connection to what surrounds us, no understanding, no validation, except from this forum.

I hope that one day we will all have an answer to that question.

Ps: There was even a patient who left a voicemail after I treated her to say that she was very happy and that “she had rarely seen a professional who was so effective. Thank you so much.” (Her words.)

It should make me happy, but instead it makes me sad because I think I shouldn’t have to be this sick to hear something like that (because I feel like I deserve to hear it anyway).

Anyway, my colleague thanked me for covering for her, and I was happy to have found at least one situation where there was peace and everything went well, just for once.

I hope peace comes back into our lives, in every possible form. That’s all I ask for!

I'm sorry Poulette 🙁 Your update really got to me and I would love to give you a big fat hug because I care. Anhedonia is such an awful thing...

You might not be able to experience many positive feelings right now but I want you to know that you are incredibly strong! Keep going! It may take a lot of time and patience but this situation will not last, you will improve.

The first 12 months after I quit my AD I felt so many doubts and I had no sense of hope but that changed. I feel slighlty better now at 15 months off and I'm finally starting to gain a sense of hope and trust. Hopefully that can give you some hope and trust as well.

Just take it step by step and take care of yourself ❤️

@poulette38 sending some love on here, I responded to your PM and Ill wait for your reponse to my reply, but I am sorry things are pretty tough for you. Virutal hug your way my friend! xxxx

16 hours ago, Niels91 said:

I'm sorry Poulette 🙁 Your update really got to me and I would love to give you a big fat hug because I care. Anhedonia is such an awful thing...

You might not be able to experience many positive feelings right now but I want you to know that you are incredibly strong! Keep going! It may take a lot of time and patience but this situation will not last, you will improve.

The first 12 months after I quit my AD I felt so many doubts and I had no sense of hope but that changed. I feel slighlty better now at 15 months off and I'm finally starting to gain a sense of hope and trust. Hopefully that can give you some hope and trust as well.

Just take it step by step and take care of yourself ❤️

Hey @Niels91

Thank you for your encouragement. I’m happy to see that you’ve improved. It certainly can’t always stay this way.

3 hours ago, Chippy said:

@poulette38 sending some love on here, I responded to your PM and Ill wait for your reponse to my reply, but I am sorry things are pretty tough for you. Virutal hug your way my friend! xxxx

Thank you @Chippy

Take care of yourself and your loved ones.