I could've been 22 months off by this point if I hadn't been stupid and reinstated impulsively. The thought alone kills me and I keep thinking of an alternate timeline where I hadn't retaken a damn pill. Or kept trying to take them and go down such a slippery slope.

Even despite the reinstatement, I was still cognitively and physically functional. I could put on a mask and at least pretend to be somewhat normal. Behind the mask, I'd be a self-loathing screaming lunatic but no one thought wiser other than my parents, which maybe was the mistake. This quetiapine and lamotrigine absolutely destroyed that mask. It is incredible how much damage those two pills did to me.

Why the hell did I have to feel validated by my parents to not want to take anymore pills after May? Why did I have to agree to let them join my psych appointment? I can accept I made some stupid decisions but after that 1mg reinstatement, I did finally realize pills were not the answer. But no, anytime I finally make a decision for myself, someone has to get in the way and make decisions for me because they think I'm a hapless lamb. I don't care if I'm making decisions for myself now, they already won and its too late. I'll have to live with this trauma and these consequences for the rest of my life. Is it even worth trying to survive this **** when everything about me has been stripped away through years of psychiatric drugs?

@Kahran Just a gentle reminder that this is wave mind speaking. Hang in there. These thoughts will lift, they always do.

You will get better hang in there I feel your pain I am in the same boat of suffering every day it’s inhumane! You are not alone in this even though it sure feels like it !

@Kahran I'm sorry to hear your going through this wave and I know they can be disheartening and frustrating all at the same time, but just know you now have the strength and knowledge to get past this. As many who have come before us have healed you will also heal. Time and acceptance are our friend at this moment.

I understand it's a wave, but it's been turned into a god damn tsunami by this setback. I get maybe 5 minute reprieve before the thoughts just come back. It is completely unfair to have known all the right moves, yet still play the game wrong cause your boomer parents trust the doctor for 15 minutes. I'd do anything to just say no or just run the **** away. Or just vent about it here, but I was too embarrassed by it.

I'm willing to bet I would've been leagues better by now even with that May reinstatement of Lexapro. Though I shouldn't have done that at all. But **** me for making a mistake right? **** me for freaking out cause it felt like my nerves were on fire and I thought I screwed myself. I spent $800 in co-pays for that ******* NP to ruin my life. Not to mention the other costs for ambulances to mental hospitals that insurance won't cover. I told my parents explicitly that I did not want to see this damn psychiatrist but they just threatened my living situation or to go call the cops.

This was literally a non-issue before. This time last year I drove 6 hours to upstate New York to hang out with my aunt at a national park. 10 months into Lexapro withdrawal. I was doing so well and I had to screw that all up over some ******* ******** that would've passed.

12 hours ago, Kahran said:

I understand it's a wave, but it's been turned into a god damn tsunami by this setback. I get maybe 5 minute reprieve before the thoughts just come back. It is completely unfair to have known all the right moves, yet still play the game wrong cause your boomer parents trust the doctor for 15 minutes. I'd do anything to just say no or just run the **** away. Or just vent about it here, but I was too embarrassed by it.

I'm willing to bet I would've been leagues better by now even with that May reinstatement of Lexapro. Though I shouldn't have done that at all. But **** me for making a mistake right? **** me for freaking out cause it felt like my nerves were on fire and I thought I screwed myself. I spent $800 in co-pays for that ******* NP to ruin my life. Not to mention the other costs for ambulances to mental hospitals that insurance won't cover. I told my parents explicitly that I did not want to see this damn psychiatrist but they just threatened my living situation or to go call the cops.

This was literally a non-issue before. This time last year I drove 6 hours to upstate New York to hang out with my aunt at a national park. 10 months into Lexapro withdrawal. I was doing so well and I had to screw that all up over some ******* ******** that would've passed.

Hang in there mate, I know angry rants are you MO, if this is what you need to do to get it out, then rant away. However before taking these recent pills and before the RI you were doing exactly this, looping on past mistakes, now you are saying things were not that bad but now you have the right to rant because now you've really ****** up. Well lets be real, nothing has changed, you are healing and moving forwards as you were before, ranting when you feel at your lowest. If you keep healing and moving forwards and ranting when you are at your lowest, eventually you'll get through this. So rant away my friend. Im here for it. xxxxx

13 hours ago, Kahran said:

This was literally a non-issue before. This time last year I drove 6 hours to upstate New York to hang out with my aunt at a national park. 10 months into Lexapro withdrawal. I was doing so well and I had to screw that all up over some ******* ******** that would've passed.

The positive spin on this is that clearly your body has immense capacity to heal from the harm that these drugs do.

Yes, would would have been 22 months off had you not introduced new drugs a couple of times, that said, this is a setback, not necessarily a total reset. There's every chance that in time you'll be doing considerably better from it.

My appetite has just been insatiable lately. Maybe I'm not eating well and just suffering insulin resistance. Nothing else has changed.

Akathesia has died down a bit. It's at least manageable? I'm able to go out to public places but I find myself just walking and taking long routes constantly. It even affects driving if you can imagine that. It's just like, a need to keep moving forward.

The loss of libido is really tragic to me. I think I was lucky not to really experience PSSD on Lexapro or even after it. But now, it's just not really there.

The last thing I miss is that this Ambien just doesn't kick anymore. I used to get a nice bit of euphoria after taking it, which is probably why I took for so long. I don't even get that pleasure anymore, it sucks. More reason to try to get off it I guess.

7 hours ago, Kahran said:

My appetite has just been insatiable lately. Maybe I'm not eating well and just suffering insulin resistance. Nothing else has changed.

Akathesia has died down a bit. It's at least manageable? I'm able to go out to public places but I find myself just walking and taking long routes constantly. It even affects driving if you can imagine that. It's just like, a need to keep moving forward.

The loss of libido is really tragic to me. I think I was lucky not to really experience PSSD on Lexapro or even after it. But now, it's just not really there.

The last thing I miss is that this Ambien just doesn't kick anymore. I used to get a nice bit of euphoria after taking it, which is probably why I took for so long. I don't even get that pleasure anymore, it sucks. More reason to try to get off it I guess.

Good work mate, you sound calmer today, one step at a time. I think you show amazing ability to recover after a kick. Your nervous system is more resilient than you think. Give it some time and you can start that taper. Just you need to be more stable than you are now.

My appetite has swung up and down massively throughout this.

For the first maybe 8-9 months, I barely ate. Then for the following couple of years it swung up and down wildly and I would need to eat immediately upon starting to feel peckish or I would quickly begin feeling really ill.

It has mostly levelled out now, but I still can't tolerate being hungry well at all.

It's good that the akathisia has died down a bit.

You might notice that some symptoms come and go, try not to get disheartened if this is the case, any going away at all is a good early sign that they'll eventually go for good and it is progress. You are making bits of progress, and I am hopeful that in time you'll be able to look back and see a clear trend of this on average, rather than picking out small, specific symptom changes. It's still quite early days after your setback- your body clearly does have good capacity to heal.