Good afternoon @Kahran , I've read through your thread, and truly sorry you have to endure all this. So let me start out with this.

God

I'm starting this day

Without answers .

I don't understand

What you're doing.

Or why this feeling is so heavy.

But the sun still came up.

And so did.

So give me enough light

For the next step.

Enough patients

For the next conversation.

Enough peace

to quiet the what-if's

I don't need the whole picture.

Just stay close

While I walk through what I don't understand. Amen

So the Lor is saying let go of the what if's, leave the past behind for it can't be changed, but focus on the today, and I truly believe the Lord our God gives us the strength, to help guide us in our weakest. You my friend have the strength to heal. By bringing up the past at this point is not helping, youneed to let it be. Focus on the now, and healing will truly follow.

I'm so angry I was essentially "forced" to take it but I really didn't need to at all. My parents were ******* bluffing, I know that. It's unfair it even got to that point. Why couldn't I have just said no. This is ******* terrible. Did that Seroquel block all my histamine receptors for the night and now my body is just trying to make up for that blockage? Is that why I'm so absolutely restless and feel every nerve in my body ache with pain? I'm constantly short of breath and feel legit stupider. Lexapro did nothing like this.

It sound similar to those who took Remeron since that also blocks histamine. This is ******* horrible. Why did I have to reinstate like a dipshit in March? I put so much pressure on myself when I wasn't ready to look for a job. It's so hard to look forward when it's going to be months or even years of this pain, when even a CT of Lexapro and Vyvanse would've recovered in 2 years. It would've been 20 months or so off...

2 hours ago, Kahran said:

I'm so angry I was essentially "forced" to take it but I really didn't need to at all. My parents were ******* bluffing, I know that. It's unfair it even got to that point. Why couldn't I have just said no. This is ******* terrible. Did that Seroquel block all my histamine receptors for the night and now my body is just trying to make up for that blockage? Is that why I'm so absolutely restless and feel every nerve in my body ache with pain? I'm constantly short of breath and feel legit stupider. Lexapro did nothing like this.

It sound similar to those who took Remeron since that also blocks histamine. This is ******* horrible. Why did I have to reinstate like a dipshit in March? I put so much pressure on myself when I wasn't ready to look for a job. It's so hard to look forward when it's going to be months or even years of this pain, when even a CT of Lexapro and Vyvanse would've recovered in 2 years. It would've been 20 months or so off...

If you want to come on the forum to vent and let go of emotions, that can be very therapeutic. But as we've advised you before, constantly coming back to self-blame, anger, and judgement isn't helping to move you forward. All its doing is keeping you stuck in a very dark cycle. Please take our advice and try to break this rumination cycle.

3 minutes ago, mstimc60 said:

If you want to come on the forum to vent and let go of emotions, that can be very therapeutic. But as we've advised you before, constantly coming back to self-blame, anger, and judgement isn't helping to move you forward. All its doing is keeping you stuck in a very dark cycle. Please take our advice and try to break this rumination cycle.

Dude, I can't ******* sit still for the life of me. I've done so much damage to myself that did not need to happen at all. I really did try to break it before the Seroquel. I finally found something I could sink my teeth into and distract, but now I can't even do that properly. I can't ******* do anything anymore. I used to be able to go out and do things while super depressed, and now I can't. I ******* can't do ANYTHING AND ITS ALL MY FAULT. My dad ******* blames me for everything, EVEN FOLLOWING HIS ORDERS TO TAKE THE DRUG. I DID WHAT WAS ASKED AND HE BLAMES ME.

He told me I'm not worth it anymore. He's ******* right.

1 minute ago, Kahran said:

He told me I'm not worth it anymore. He's ******* right.

No, he is not right and I think deep down you know that, or you wouldn't ask us for support. If you weren't worth it, why would so many of us reach out to help you? Your life has intrinsic value, and the sooner you admit that to yourself, the sooner you can start the road to recovery.

1 hour ago, Kahran said:

Dude, I can't ******* sit still for the life of me. I've done so much damage to myself that did not need to happen at all. I really did try to break it before the Seroquel. I finally found something I could sink my teeth into and distract, but now I can't even do that properly. I can't ******* do anything anymore. I used to be able to go out and do things while super depressed, and now I can't. I ******* can't do ANYTHING AND ITS ALL MY FAULT. My dad ******* blames me for everything, EVEN FOLLOWING HIS ORDERS TO TAKE THE DRUG. I DID WHAT WAS ASKED AND HE BLAMES ME.

He told me I'm not worth it anymore. He's ******* right.

Sometimes it is impossible to block the negative chemical flow, it is part of the process, my last two weeks were exactly like that, zero control, it has nothing to do with anything you did, these are chemicals that disrupt normal thinking, period so stop blaming yourself and looking for more trouble, trust me, they will come on their own.

Accept and let go, eventually the mind will be freed.

As for your father, I am sure he has good intentions but that is not what you need to hear, a good pair of earplugs would be helpful.

15 minutes ago, Fullhealing said:

Sometimes it is impossible to block the negative chemical flow, it is part of the process, my last two weeks were exactly like that, zero control, it has nothing to do with anything you did, these are chemicals that disrupt normal thinking, period so stop blaming yourself and looking for more trouble, trust me, they will come on their own.

Accept and let go, eventually the mind will be freed.

As for your father, I am sure he has good intentions but that is not what you need to hear, a good pair of earplugs would be helpful.

Just pop in my mail and had to share with you, very relevant, how wd mind can trick you to believe that it's all your fault.. it's not!

There's no guarantee you would have been recovered at 2 years without the new drugs.

You're kicking yourself for not listening previously, but people are also having difficulty getting through to you now.

I know that the torture is absolutely immense, I lived in a state of agitation like this for a very long time whilst being utterly disabled. However, my story and others show that this state is not unrecoverable.

5 hours ago, Luke said:

I know that the torture is absolutely immense, I lived in a state of agitation like this for a very long time whilst being utterly disabled. However, my story and others show that this state is not unrecoverable.

Did you take anything else or just raw dog the whole thing? It just feels like everything is on fire. I can't even play my games anymore properly. It's like my brain aims somewhere and my hands move completely different. It's ******* terrible. I can't distract myself anymore.

18 hours ago, Fullhealing said:

Just pop in my mail and had to share with you, very relevant, how wd mind can trick you to believe that it's all your fault.. it's not!

It is my fault because I took the medication knowing it would **** me up. I kept telling my parents it would make me worse but they didn't care. I wanted their validation and never got it. Therefore, I stupidly went their way and ****** everything up.

I didn't need this to happen. I didn't need to ******* take this or get this even prescribed. They forced me to go to the ER and because I "lied" to the doctors about what was going on (I didn't lie. I told them I took a 1mg of Lexapro and felt really messed up.), they then forced their way into my psych appointment which I could've just told them to **** off. Even in the psych appointment, my psychiatrist said I had the right to not take medications but I was completely guilt tripped. My parents are really the bane of my existence. I know they just wanted their son to be better, and I definitely made a mistake by reinstating but this feels like a complete punishment by God. It felt like it was completely out of my hands after that point. I was actually a bit grateful to have done the reinstatement cause it made me realize that it wouldn't be the answer and that finally it just was time and patience. But, I didn't get either from my parents.

In fact I'd say a lot of the reinstatement querstions were just fed from my mom.

Edited August 18Aug 18 by Kahran

21 hours ago, Fullhealing said:

Sometimes it is impossible to block the negative chemical flow, it is part of the process, my last two weeks were exactly like that, zero control, it has nothing to do with anything you did, these are chemicals that disrupt normal thinking, period so stop blaming yourself and looking for more trouble, trust me, they will come on their own.

Accept and let go, eventually the mind will be freed.

Try to take @Fullhealing 's advice to heart instead of insisting on bashing yourself over and over. Its doing nothing to contribute to your recovery.

15 hours ago, Kahran said:

Did you take anything else or just raw dog the whole thing? It just feels like everything is on fire. I can't even play my games anymore properly. It's like my brain aims somewhere and my hands move completely different. It's ******* terrible. I can't distract myself anymore.

I took nothing else and was very physically and cognitively impaired for a very long time whilst suffering immensely.

That was just from one drug and I knew that taking more was going to make things worse.

Some others only reach this conclusion after cycling through many more and becoming similarly harmed to me.

I don't really know what to tell you at this point because adding in drugs has made it worse repeatedly, yet you still seem to be looking for the next drug. I think that deep down you know that there isn't a quick fix in the form of yet another one.

You might push back against this and feel you should point out that your condition is totally intolerable and that perhaps I don't understand this. I can assure you I have an intimate understanding of what it is to suffer.

More of what put you here isn't the answer.

9 hours ago, Luke said:

I don't really know what to tell you at this point because adding in drugs has made it worse repeatedly, yet you still seem to be looking for the next drug. I think that deep down you know that there isn't a quick fix in the form of yet another one.

This time it really wasn't up to me. Like I said, my family essentially wormed their way into my psych appointment and took hold of the whole thing. I got to speak only maybe a quarter and just got constantly shut up by my father. I got super gaslighted and guilt-tripped and caved into pressure. I constantly pleaded with my family that these drugs would not solve anything and make the matter worse, I shared every article, every side effect, bargained everything and it did not matter. It was either take the pills or leave. I should've just left.

I guess it's worth mentioning for context. When I asked about "should I take this?", I think I was essentially just mirroring my mother. Her anxiety about me just really fed into mine and I kept caving too. We have a very co-dependent relationship that is not healthy and just ruined things.

Edited August 19Aug 19 by Kahran

5 hours ago, Kahran said:

This time it really wasn't up to me. Like I said, my family essentially wormed their way into my psych appointment and took hold of the whole thing. I got to speak only maybe a quarter and just got constantly shut up by my father. I got super gaslighted and guilt-tripped and caved into pressure. I constantly pleaded with my family that these drugs would not solve anything and make the matter worse, I shared every article, every side effect, bargained everything and it did not matter. It was either take the pills or leave. I should've just left.

I guess it's worth mentioning for context. When I asked about "should I take this?", I think I was essentially just mirroring my mother. Her anxiety about me just really fed into mine and I kept caving too. We have a very co-dependent relationship that is not healthy and just ruined things.

There's no reason for you to blame yourself given the pressure your family put on you. And there's no reason to blame them if they were trying to help you, at least as they understood help. In fact, blame serves no purpose except to build resentment and frustration. Let go of self-blame and blaming others and set your sights on the future.

9 hours ago, mstimc60 said:

There's no reason for you to blame yourself given the pressure your family put on you. And there's no reason to blame them if they were trying to help you, at least as they understood help. In fact, blame serves no purpose except to build resentment and frustration. Let go of self-blame and blaming others and set your sights on the future.

100%, what is done is done, accept, forgive, move on now. Main thing is you now must be in the driving seat.

@Kahran I understand that, but you're still contemplating more.

You've learned the hard way that this is not a solution.

You can and very likely will recover if you stay off off everything.

I did forgive my parents today. They did the best they could with the knowledge and events that were happening. They saw their child basically fall apart, banging on ****, and started spouting things like "SERT occupancy, withdrawal, kindling" and all other kinds of catchphrases that don't make sense (to them). I can't really blame them for wanting to try to help.

Still unsure about myself. The daily akathesia is brutal. Absolutely brutal. How long do you think this will let up? It's been about 3 months or so now.

7 hours ago, Kahran said:

I did forgive my parents today. They did the best they could with the knowledge and events that were happening. They saw their child basically fall apart, banging on ****, and started spouting things like "SERT occupancy, withdrawal, kindling" and all other kinds of catchphrases that don't make sense (to them). I can't really blame them for wanting to try to help.

This is really good to hear mate. A postive step for sure.

7 hours ago, Kahran said:

Still unsure about myself. The daily akathesia is brutal. Absolutely brutal. How long do you think this will let up? It's been about 3 months or so now.

No one can tell you this unfortunately, try to reset the clock though, it hasn't been 3 months since your last drug/change. Can you update your signature when you have time? I appreciate this isn't something that you would love to do but it is so helpful when it is current.

Updated it.

Still feel zero relief. Ambien only lasts like 3 or 4 hours now. I should wear a pedometer cause I walk nearly 20k steps a day in my room. I can't distract myself when everything is blurry and distorted.

I would reinstate Lexapro 20 times over this. At least I was still able to go out and do stuff. Even a week after that stupid reinstatement that I did not mention to you all in May, the physical symptoms were gone and I was more or less working/relaxing. I was extremely agitated and angry though. I'm very agitated and angry now. My thought loop has been replaced with "why did I reinstate, why did I have to ******* take this."

I miss being bedridden. Even closing my eyes and having those horrid "life-reviews" was better than this. It's so frustrating to have been 15 months free from psychiatry only to be further in its crutches 3 months later. I could deal with the akathesia but the blurred/distorted vision makes me think my life is genuinely over. I've been calling 988 constantly. Parents think a partial hospitalization program would work but I can barely sit still for therapy sessions. It's a shame because there is some good topics in there that wouldve helped during withdrawal.

I just really hate myself for falling for family pressure and not doing what I wanted for myself. The May 14th reinstatement was stupid, but at least it was MY stupid mistake. This other **** did not feel like it was up to me to choose, even though in reality it was. I wish I swallowed my pride and asked for help about that.

Some more post mortum stuff.

When I CT'd the Lexapro, I really didn't think about and just thought it was burnout from my job. I was taking Vyvanse 50mg at the time so it carried me in a way. After June or July 2025, my psych and I decided to stop taking it. I really think that contributed a lot to the negative feelings I was having for the remainder of the year.

Vyvanse withdrawal seems really hidden. You don't get any crazy anxiety or brain zaps, just really low motivation, anhedonia, and sadness. It's almost like a relapse of ADHD symptoms. That sounds REALLY familiar doesn't it? I remember constantly looking up on the internet if there was such a thing but couldn't come up with it. The only people who mentioned withdrawals were at non-therapuetic doses.

It's all somewhat moot, but I do wish I had tapered off Vyvanse. Part of me definitely tried experimenting with lower doses but that mid-day crash is brutal. Not to mention the hyperfocusing, and not being able to sleep. No wonder I needed Ambien.

I do just wish I had some sort of reminder or joined this community sooner. It would've let me avoid those benzos in February and made me realize that I was simply not ready to look for another job at the time despite pressure from friends and family.

At this point, I'm really not sure where to go from here. Like I said, the Lexapro reinstatements just made me really upset, but I was still somewhat functional as a person. I could still go out to events kicking and screaming and even have a decent time. Now, the visual side effects of both Lamictal and Seroquel have just completely ruined my ability to do anything for myself. There was a recruiter that reached out in June for a job that was the same thing I did before but for way more pay, but I broke down before I could accept the interview. I'm confident I could've still done it in the state I was in prior.

I just really ****** myself despite the support here, though I guess family just had the much stronger influence.

My eyes are the biggest tragedy. The skin around them is so red and they feel so dry. I have everything at 0 brightness and 0 contrast yet it still feels too bright. I used to do 100 brightness like it was nothing.

I may try eye drops or warm compresses or something. But this is easily my worst symptom other than the lack of sleep.

I'd start with warm compresses. The most conservative and they've worked well for me when my eyes were bothering me.

15 hours ago, Kahran said:

My eyes are the biggest tragedy. The skin around them is so red and they feel so dry. I have everything at 0 brightness and 0 contrast yet it still feels too bright. I used to do 100 brightness like it was nothing.

I may try eye drops or warm compresses or something. But this is easily my worst symptom other than the lack of sleep.

Sorry mate, I found I was quite light sensitive too, not the dry and red but I still have everything very low and can't handle the main TV.

What's done is done.

You know that being drug-free is what leads to recovery in time. Unfortunately you're still only weeks out from reacting very adversely to some new drugs so it's pretty much to be expected to be suffering quite a lot at this stage.

However, it is also really quite likely to begin to get better again in time.

Visual side effects, for example, are not an uncommon symptom and I'm personally in touch with more than one person off of this forum who had them severely and recovered from them totally.

None of this is likely to be permanent, IF you get through this for the amount of time it will take you to begin to improve.

On 8/28/2026 at 3:09 AM, Luke said:

Visual side effects, for example, are not an uncommon symptom and I'm personally in touch with more than one person off of this forum who had them severely and recovered from them totally.

Do you know exactly how long this took? It is completely heartbreaking to look at old games I used to play and not be able to even process them anymore.