Hey @Kahran It is good to hear your attitude to your situation has shifted, sounds a lot more positve, although I appreciate things are still hard for you.

Adding in extra drug doses, shifting doses around, pretty much anything like that can worsen an already sensitive nervous system. Best to not worry about it now, but I would take note of your observations and remember your nervous system needs to be handled very carefully from now on. So no more extra drugs. Be careful with the drugs you still take. Make educated, careful, deliberate choices about tapering and so on. Making moves with these drugs itsn't a one time thing, it can have ripple effects going forwards that are hard to quantify.

Keep up the good work!

Healing is definitely possible but you need to stop introducing random doses of new drugs. It's not surprising you've been extremely agitated.

You're improving again, 2 months after that. If you stay drug free it's clear that you do begin to do better.

Thanks guys. It's an annoying set back for sure. I'd take bedridden depression over this any day. I felt like I was "healing" just fine before all this.

I fell for the trap of taking something after an incredibly stressful event. At the time, I guess I thought one lorazepam wouldn't do anything long term. Who knows if it was that or those little Lexapro reinstatements that messed things up. Either way, I was way more functional in February 14 months into withdrawal.

Hey @Kahran , just wanted to say I can relate to this. I’ve made a LOT of mistakes over the past year in terms of changing doses around, coming on and off meds, throwing alcohol and weed into the mix, etc. Most, but not all, of those mistakes were driven by a combination of ignorance and desperation. I didn’t understand what was happening to me, but whatever was happening I desperately needed to fix it.

I’m sure this has set me back a ton and contributed to the length of time it seems to be taking me to stabilize. On bad days I can get into cycles of anger and self-blame. On better days I understand that it’s not my fault and I just have to accept where I’m at and move forward.

I don’t know how long it’ll take, but I really believe we’ll both get out of this. Glad to hear your job’s going ok and you’re feeling a bit more positive 😊

2 hours ago, Kahran said:

Thanks guys. It's an annoying set back for sure. I'd take bedridden depression over this any day. I felt like I was "healing" just fine before all this.

I fell for the trap of taking something after an incredibly stressful event. At the time, I guess I thought one lorazepam wouldn't do anything long term. Who knows if it was that or those little Lexapro reinstatements that messed things up. Either way, I was way more functional in February 14 months into withdrawal.

Don't blame yourself, mistakes are inevitable part of being human, that's how we learn and grow, it's a fixed rule that has happened and will happen again, the ability to forgive yourself, learn from what is possible and move on is what matters.

Try to find compassion and forgiveness for yourself since that is what is holding you back much much more than the mistake itself.

13 hours ago, SarahMc said:

Hey @Kahran , just wanted to say I can relate to this. I’ve made a LOT of mistakes over the past year in terms of changing doses around, coming on and off meds, throwing alcohol and weed into the mix, etc. Most, but not all, of those mistakes were driven by a combination of ignorance and desperation. I didn’t understand what was happening to me, but whatever was happening I desperately needed to fix it.

Desperation and despair are scary things. They really make you do anything to make it stop. Also, any previous knowledge you gained on the topic goes out the window cause you just want ANYTHING to work. Those negative loops just feedback into each other and its very hard to move forward. Every morning seems to be something different, lol.

I definitely should've gotten a small job like this awhile ago though. That was a bigger reality check to really try to change my situation. Hopefully it means I try harder in applying/interviewing. Whilst battling the kindling I incurred on myself.

Sorry to doom-post again.

I'm just incredibly angry and agitated that I fucked myself up by reinstating in March and April(?). I seriously feel like the one in March just got this huge ball rolling that I can't seem to stop anymore. I was "better" before March. Still depressed but windows of joy here and there. The stress of needing to get a job, getting rejections, and realizing I might be fucked really got to me. I also wonder if those Lorazepam's kindled me. For what its worth, I never really used them before. The anxiety just kept intensifying.

Jeez, why didn't I throw out those Lexapro's anyways? They were in the basement. I wish my family didn't keep pressuring me.

I know acceptance is the best way but jeez I wish I could go back to my depressed February self. At least he could show some emotions and joy at times and contribute. I'm a complete nervous wreck right now. The only thing that seems to hold me together at the moment is trying to split dose the Ambien across the day.

@Kahran you know as well as I do, that you must try to not go down this path of regret, you have been here before.

Making the choice to split your dose is a good call, it shows you are being proactive and not just wallowing in all of this.

Keep working on the acceptance bit, it is a continued practice not something you achieve.

Reading up on stoicism is worth your time. I think guys in particular benefit from some of the teachings.

7 hours ago, Kahran said:

I'm just incredibly angry and agitated that I fucked myself up by reinstating in March and April(?). I seriously feel like the one in March just got this huge ball rolling that I can't seem to stop anymore. I was "better" before March. Still depressed but windows of joy here and there.

Again though, the positive side to this is that it totally explains why things have been more difficult since then, you were improving and functional in the past before adding in further drugs, and since doing this you've again had ups and downs and are managing to work.

If you just stop adding in new drugs, you'll likely improve again. The path seems pretty clear- that's something.

38 minutes ago, Luke said:

If you just stop adding in new drugs, you'll likely improve again. The path seems pretty clear- that's something.

Quite!

Please be honest. Did I reset the clock by doing this? This shit is far worse than my initial withdrawal back in Dec 2024. I was just severely depressed back then and very occasionally moody. This is just moody, anxious, and akathisia all the time.

Eh, actually don't tell me. It doesn't matter. Despite all this, I get windows and waves through out the day. It really is a roller coaster. I do miss when the waves were just general disinterest and low energy though.

I'm grateful that any physical symptoms seemed to resolve fairly quickly. But these meltdowns are something else.

I wouldn't say that you "reset the clock", and I've seen people do similar and then still heal within fairly common timeframes.

The thing is, with psychological symptoms, is that they can all change and improve fairly quickly when people start getting better.

You're not far out from it, and the physical symptoms have already improved, that doesn't suggest a total resetting of recovery to me, it suggests that after a setback your body has returned to working on healing itself.

Your body clearly has that ability and is working on it. All you must do is take care of yourself as best you can while that happens.

11 hours ago, Kahran said:

Eh, actually don't tell me. It doesn't matter. Despite all this, I get windows and waves through out the day. It really is a roller coaster. I do miss when the waves were just general disinterest and low energy though.

I'm grateful that any physical symptoms seemed to resolve fairly quickly. But these meltdowns are something else.

Hold on to gratitude, we often forget to stop for a moment and see the good, the rest will improve with time.

Well done, you are coping great.

Edited May 23May 23 by Fullhealing

I'm honestly not coping well at all. I keep having intrusive/obsessive thoughts that I let break out in my mind. It gets in the way of making my situation any better. I want to accept and move on but my mind just constantly reminds all that I lost and all those who have been in the same position are progressing in life. The only way I was able to progress in life before was to be on the Lexapro/Vyvanse combo where I could feel positive and engaged all day.

Today marks a year when I asked my manager to fire me rather than take on an extra 2 weeks of a PIP. If I had just saved face and said, "okay" rather than tell the truth, maybe I could've salvaged things. That whole PIP probably wouldn't have happened if I hadn't gone CT. Or maybe I could've not been a fucking bitch during withdrawal and just DID THE FUCKING WORK.

Theres now even more positions at my old company I could've been promoted into had I had the same mindset as before. It hurts. It just fucking hurts and I hate myself for becoming this. I'm constantly fucking angry and banging shit. I seriously have no idea how I'm going to get out of this rut. The only way I can think of was to not be in the rut in the first place. Or just keeping trying to dose myself with Ambien cause when I'm not under the effect of that drug, I get anxious and angry.

I'm unfortunately super hopeless at the moment. This new job honestly just makes things worse for me because it reminds me of what I used to do. I've been reduced to putting hangers on shirts. I was helping clients configure Kubernetes clusters. All because I didn't take my fucking medication like I should have. All because I couldn't beat withdrawal and continued avoiding work at my old job.

How does one even learn to forgive themselves in this state? It's as if everyone else in my world can see this is temporary and I'll get another tech job and this will pass, etc. But I can't. I didn't even need to quit to begin with. I just want to stop hating myself so I can grow again but I just keep reminding myself of every shitty thing I've done in the last 8 years. I hate this negative mindset I'm stuck with that almost came natural with Lexapro.

@Kahran , a couple weeks ago I saw this video on self-hate and how to get past it. If this person, who has a thriving YT channel and is outwardly successful, had to deal with and recover from self-hate, you can too.

Edited May 26May 26 by mstimc60

Ask yourself what purpose all your guilt and self hate is serving. Can it change the past? Will it help your recovery? Will it help when you make future decisions? Or is it keeping you trapped in ruminations and keeping your frozen where you are? If you want to recover, its time to leave the past where it belongs. You have worth; you've helped other people here. Its okay to be kind to yourself.

1 hour ago, mstimc60 said:

@Kahran , a couple weeks ago I saw this video on self-hate and how to get past it. If this person, who has a thriving YT channel and is outwardly successful, had to deal with and recover from self-hate, you can too.

Can you repost the link? I'm interested. Its linking to this thread.

2 minutes ago, Kahran said:

Can you repost the link? I'm interested. Its linking to this thread.

Oops!

Self-Hate

@Kahran one drug was enough for me not to be able to work for 2 years. After that, I started on 2x 2h days a week and it then took another 7-8 months to go to normal hours.

I still work in a role far below my normal capacity, am off the promotional track I was on, am junior to people I personally trained and so on.

The fact that you're able to work at all after repeatedly introducing new drugs is good. When you've stayed drug free, you've repeatedly began to improve. You likely will recover in time, and go on to live a good life.

In the scale of a human life, a couple of years of not "progressing" doesn't prevent an overall good and happy life.

On 5/27/2026 at 4:06 AM, Luke said:

@Kahran one drug was enough for me not to be able to work for 2 years. After that, I started on 2x 2h days a week and it then took another 7-8 months to go to normal hours.

I still work in a role far below my normal capacity, am off the promotional track I was on, am junior to people I personally trained and so on.

The fact that you're able to work at all after repeatedly introducing new drugs is good. When you've stayed drug free, you've repeatedly began to improve. You likely will recover in time, and go on to live a good life.

In the scale of a human life, a couple of years of not "progressing" doesn't prevent an overall good and happy life.

How did you afford to live unemployed for 2 years?

I lived, and still do live with my parents, who had to give me a lot of care.

I got some monthly income from an insurance policy, but it took 11 months for them to pay out because my doctors worked hard to record as little as possible of my symptoms and what they did to obscure the harm they did. The insurance company specifically commented on my unusual records.

Other than that, and especially during the 11 months, I spent lots of the savings that I'd built up to try to have a family by working hard, doing lots of overtime and making plenty of sacrifices.

Does anyone else just get this feeling like their "withdrawal" self was not them, and suddenly you wake up and realize all that has happened? I seriously feel like I wouldn't have made the decisions I made had I not been going through withdrawal like that...

Or even being spell-binded by the drugs. That whole last half of 2024 I realize was just filled with complete apathy and numbness but at least there was solid ground. I feel completely incapable of rebuilding my life and completely hopeless. My family is losing faith in me, my funds are dwindling, coping mechanisms are not working. Life is taunting me with options I could've taken had I just stuck it out.

54 minutes ago, Kahran said:

Does anyone else just get this feeling like their "withdrawal" self was not them, and suddenly you wake up and realize all that has happened? I seriously feel like I wouldn't have made the decisions I made had I not been going through withdrawal like that...

Me. I had a wonderful partner, literally almost perfect for me despite our disagreements and quirks. I remember that since I quit escitalopram the first time in 2024, I became quite erratic. I was more prone to anger or discussions for little things, or more brain dead like, needing to push myself more either at work or with chores. I remember we had a horrible time once when I traveled to visit her because I was so angry, pouting all the way. I don't even remember why, so that tells a bunch. I also had bad memory and was even contemplating cheating, although I never really dared. Kinda like a "soft" withdrawal, totally invisible to me.

Never really thought this was withdrawal, it wasn't until now that I've kindled myself and experienced it all tenfold that I could pinpoint what was going on. Me, that always hated having a temper or being an angry person because I was abused by classmates and parents alike... Suddenly I was the one doing the abusing and with anger problems.

I regret the things I've done, but I ain't gonna pretend like it was all perfect, there were some incompatibilities, so in the end I'm happy she moved on to meet new people when I got even more erratic with the second withdrawal. I now have another priority in life sadly, trying to make it out of this in one piece and try to rebuild, or die trying.

@Kahran it seems pretty common that people look back on their time on drugs, and in withdrawal and are struck by how "not themselves" they were.