32 minutes ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

Try to stay positive, at least you can make it to interviews, even if it's a far cry of what you used to do! 😅 I can't even bring myself to work (not even from home), go shopping or function like I always did half a year after quitting. Whether I bounce back or keep spiraling down developing new and stronger symptoms, only time will tell. At this point I console myself that if I make it, I'll be the best version of myself. And if I don't make it, I'll be free of this torment.

I think we'll bounce back. I was talking about anhedonia and not being able to enjoy things in the moment. While that's true, there's infinite possibility to enjoy things from the past. I look back at the first 6 months of withdrawal a little more fondly as I did try to do stuff.

The work issue is definitely really tough. My work allowed me to live in a nice town and on my own. These are things that I really took for granted. I don't miss the job persay, just what it allowed me to so. When I made the plans to move back home (I wish I just found a different apartment), I lost all will to stay. Is there something intrinsic that would motivate you to stay at your job?

2 hours ago, Kahran said:

Trying to stay positive but the mornings are truly the hardest. I never want to wake up. It's a reminder of what I've done and what I am.

Sometimes I really wonder how much of this is withdrawal and how much is circumstance.

yeah it's tough, I don't share my waves too much but they are rough, talking about symptoms and trying to specify each one is meaningless and sometimes impossible to explain.

We will all heal out, just temporary.

2 hours ago, Kahran said:

Sometimes I really wonder how much of this is withdrawal and how much is circumstance.

Remember that you are not the thoughts, you are the observer, always remember to tell yourself it's your withdrawal/emotions and not you, accept the thought, and choose if you want to accept the emotion or not, in this case I would say do not believe it, you don't have to believe every thought in your head, you don't have to believe any of them.

Edited April 25Apr 25 by Lighty

I just wish I knew these tips beforehand. As we approach spring/summer, I'm getting insanely nostalgic for my old town. Even my own apartment with shitty induction cooktops that couldn't cook anything. I didn't realize how good I really had it with my life. Well, if you take out the existential dread from my job out of the picture. But, even the routines I had going into the office to try to make it a good day.

I don't know man, I just wish I had stayed either there or moved somewhere else. I wish I didn't believe my thoughts that nothing could chance because a lot of issues I had were fixable.

Just now, Kahran said:

I just wish I knew these tips beforehand. As we approach spring/summer, I'm getting insanely nostalgic for my old town. Even my own apartment with shitty induction cooktops that couldn't cook anything. I didn't realize how good I really had it with my life. Well, if you take out the existential dread from my job out of the picture. But, even the routines I had going into the office to try to make it a good day.

I don't know man, I just wish I had stayed either there or moved somewhere else. I wish I didn't believe my thoughts that nothing could chance because a lot of issues I had were fixable.

When we moved to Portugal in 2019, we left our home of 26 years behind. This was the house our son grew up in and where my wife and I created many memories. But a house is just a place. When we moved back to the States, we didn't move back to our old place or even our old city. We built a new life about 40 miles away but a world apart in terms of lifestyle. Home is where you make it.

You're doing so well coping with your symptoms--keep it up!

10 minutes ago, mstimc60 said:

When we moved to Portugal in 2019, we left our home of 26 years behind. This was the house our son grew up in and where my wife and I created many memories. But a house is just a place. When we moved back to the States, we didn't move back to our old place or even our old city. We built a new life about 40 miles away but a world apart in terms of lifestyle. Home is where you make it.

You're doing so well coping with your symptoms--keep it up!

A house is just a place, I agree. But that satisfaction of being on your own as well as doing whatever you want with that living space was great. I miss the autonomy of it all. I know at the time I wanted to move closer to family and found a decent place near there, but I had already made my mind up on leaving the job. I was so irrational at the time that I thought I would take a 3 month road trip that never came to pass. How silly of me to think I could do that under withdrawal...

2 minutes ago, Kahran said:

How silly of me to think I could do that under withdrawal...

As we've said before, the past is over and done. Now you can think about the future you want to create for yourself as you recover. The past is nothing compared to your potential future!

1 hour ago, mstimc60 said:

As we've said before, the past is over and done. Now you can think about the future you want to create for yourself as you recover. The past is nothing compared to your potential future!

What future can I create in this state? Genuinely, what can I create that I didn't have potential back then? Am I really supposed to blame withdrawal for preventing me from doing one action that couldve changed everything?

Would my life even be any different had I chose to move to a different apartment, and stayed at my job? I'd probably still be feeling withdrawal symptoms and hate my job. But at least I'd have my own place, right?

That apartment couldve changed my entire life outlook and I decided against it for some stupid short term road trip. Holy fuck, I hate myself. Am I really supposed to blame withdrawal for clouding my judgement like this? Seriously? I don't know what to think anymore I just fucking hate myself for everything.

Why blame anything or anyone? What purpose does it serve other than to keep you trapped in circular thinking? I've been around a long time and I've learned that life rarely turns on a singular event. We trend to focus on one thing as "the moment" when everything changed, but real life rarely works that way. Its a series of small, sometime imperceptible events that put us where we are now. You may want to link hanging onto your apartment with what you're going through now, but you don't know what would have happened if you stayed. You could be worse off than you are now.

22 minutes ago, Kahran said:

What future can I create in this state?

Whatever future you want. The way you feel at this moment isn't permanent. You've been giving other members advice on having to persevere through the emotions and chaos. Take your own advice and ease up on yourself. You can keep blaming yourself and be locked into the past, or you can focus on how you're going to recover and create a new version of yourself.

54 minutes ago, mstimc60 said:

Its a series of small, sometime imperceptible events that put us where we are now.

Yes, the apartment was just one spark note version. There were a million other things happening at the time. But theres no way to grow where I currently am. Maybe I thought that way at my apartment too, or at my job. Which is why I felt the need to leave. Which is also why it feels like everything I've done has been completely pointless.

There were decisions being made back then that couldve developed a future worth living. Maybe you are right that I'd be worse off if I got that new apartment. I don't know for sure, I feel like if I got it, I wouldn't have given up on my job. It was before I had decided to up and quit and take that ill-fated road trip.

This entire year has felt like a complete waste of time. I should've heeded my parents warning that they were worried I'd get depressed here.

Sorry, I guess I just keep trying rationalize things. I'm latching onto this apartment idea because I had the idea before I decided to quit (though looking back, I was basically ready in November 2024) so MAYBE it was a way to stay employed through sheer survival.

But, the stress of withdrawal and the stress of the job would not have made things any easier. I just wish I could've better easily compartmentalize work but each day was just counting the hours until I had to go back.

I should try to make sense as to why I'm going through this. Is the universe or God trying to show me something?

These mornings are seriously impossible. I'm starting to wonder if it's withdrawal from the Ambien. I haven't yet switched to a "around the day" dose but I might start experimenting. I just don't want to risk being doped up all day even though the intent is to come off.

@Nemina what did your tapering of Zolpidem look like day to day? All of it at night or spread out during the day?

I'm just going to post Lexapro related success stories. Feeling super down and out. These give me some hope for the future. This is still fucking terrible though.

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/32867-chicago77-long-overdue-success-story-25-year-withdrawal-from-10mg-of-lexapro/#comment-740961

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/32024-revx24-recovery-3-months-lexapro-escitalopram/

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/29238-bellacs-success-story_-complete-recovery-from-escitalopram-lexapro-of-12-years/

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/20326-supahset-i-can-finally-say-ive-made-it/

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/33626-seer-waiting-at-the-destination/

Seer's gives me the most hope. It seems similar to my story. Accepting symptoms and seeing them as signs of recovery is interesting. Knowing you will heal just not knowing when is tough. I guess it's like any traumatic event I've had. It just stops on a random day.

7 minutes ago, Kahran said:

I'm just going to post Lexapro related success stories. Feeling super down and out. These give me some hope for the future. This is still fucking terrible though.

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/32867-chicago77-long-overdue-success-story-25-year-withdrawal-from-10mg-of-lexapro/#comment-740961

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/32024-revx24-recovery-3-months-lexapro-escitalopram/

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/29238-bellacs-success-story_-complete-recovery-from-escitalopram-lexapro-of-12-years/

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/20326-supahset-i-can-finally-say-ive-made-it/

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/33626-seer-waiting-at-the-destination/

Seer's gives me the most hope. It seems similar to my story. Accepting symptoms and seeing them as signs of recovery is interesting. Knowing you will heal just not knowing when is tough. I guess it's like any traumatic event I've had. It just stops on a random day.

7 minutes ago, Kahran said:

I'm just going to post Lexapro related success stories. Feeling super down and out. These give me some hope for the future. This is still fucking terrible though.

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/32867-chicago77-long-overdue-success-story-25-year-withdrawal-from-10mg-of-lexapro/#comment-740961

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/32024-revx24-recovery-3-months-lexapro-escitalopram/

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/29238-bellacs-success-story_-complete-recovery-from-escitalopram-lexapro-of-12-years/

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/20326-supahset-i-can-finally-say-ive-made-it/

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/33626-seer-waiting-at-the-destination/

Seer's gives me the most hope. It seems similar to my story. Accepting symptoms and seeing them as signs of recovery is interesting. Knowing you will heal just not knowing when is tough. I guess it's like any traumatic event I've had. It just stops on a random day.

Well done for fighting wd brain and infusing it with positive and encouraging content @Kahran that's the way 👊

I hope things will ease for you very soon!

6 hours ago, Kahran said:

These mornings are seriously impossible. I'm starting to wonder if it's withdrawal from the Ambien. I haven't yet switched to a "around the day" dose but I might start experimenting. I just don't want to risk being doped up all day even though the intent is to come off.

@Nemina what did your tapering of Zolpidem look like day to day? All of it at night or spread out during the day?

hello @Kahran , I think my taper of zolpidem is very unusual for this forum. I personally got never injured by this drug. The taper was surprisingly easy.

I took it for more than 10 years. around 2010-2014 I had panic attacks at night, jerking awake while dosing off, not sometimes but every night for long stretches of weeks, and this went on for years … that is why I started it 2014.

in the beginning, I took a half pill around midnight and then at 4 o’clock, I took another half. maybe it was a whole pill twice a night in the evening, I don’t remember very well.

over time, I could change it to just 1/2 pill in the evening. this was a process that developed over years. then I cut the pill into smaller pieces. I would take a little piece to go to sleep at midnight. If I couldn’t fall asleep, I would take another little piece. in my memory, this was also years. When I started the lexapro withdrawal, I was very, very tired most of the time and surprisingly falling asleep got easier. So I cut smaller and smaller pieces and took only once per night. The pieces got so tiny that the scale didn’t show anything anymore.That way I could finally go to zero in january. Since then, I have taken three times a 1\3 5mg pill when I couldn’t sleep. This is not advised during withdrawal. I was very scared to come back in this habit of having panic attacks at night. So I have tried to stop the spiral that pulls me down, when I had this jerking awake for a couple nights in a row. it worked , but this is only an absolute emergency solution and I would not recommend that for anyone in withdrawal.

I hope you will find a good way for yourself! I would recommend you to keep adherence to the advised procedure, I think I am an exceptional case.

take care!

Thank you Nemina.

Another hard morning for me. I have the usual regrets. If there's a reason or meaning to all this suffering I chose, I'd like to see it now. It feels like I'm just living out of spite on the sidelines.

I really need hope right now.

Can someone tell me what this is all for? What is the point of all this suffering? I feel like I shouldve accepted my fate of being on those meds for life rather than trying to rebel. Now, I'm being punished for it. Why the hell did we do this to ourselves?

1 minute ago, Kahran said:

I really need hope right now.

Can someone tell me what this is all for? What is the point of all this suffering? I feel like I shouldve accepted my fate of being on those meds for life rather than trying to rebel. Now, I'm being punished for it. Why the hell did we do this to ourselves?

Meds aren't the answer they claim they are. At best, they mask the true causes of your misery, and for many people, they barely do that. That's why we see so many on a drug cocktail, as doctors pile one med on top of another. Try to let go of the idea of fate, blame and punishment. You didn't do anything to yourself. You followed a doctor's advice when you started using AD's and you're trying your best to recover from their effects. Unfortunately, sometimes the only way out is through. The idea of going back on meds may be tempting, but in the long run its not the answer.

You've been making some solid progress, and its natural to fall back a little sometimes. But it won't always be this way for you. If it was, this site wouldn't exist. You can get through this and be a more resilient person. It takes time, self-forgiveness and the refusal to judge yourself too harshly. We're all here to help you get through it.

29 minutes ago, Kahran said:

I really need hope right now.

Can someone tell me what this is all for? What is the point of all this suffering? I feel like I shouldve accepted my fate of being on those meds for life rather than trying to rebel. Now, I'm being punished for it. Why the hell did we do this to ourselves?

whats done is done, cant change the past but you can strive for something better in the future and you can become a more resilient person once you get through this. believe me, i have days where i keep beating myself up over my choices but at the end of the day, beating yourself up wont accomplish anything. besides nobody in life is bound to be without suffering as that is a part of it. some people just get the short end of the stick while others dont. life is unfair like that but i still believe that even the people who suffer more than others can strive, maybe even better than the people who take life for granted because i feel like we may build more resilience to combat future tough situations while going through this. think about a person who's lived all their life without a care in the world and suddenly something tragic happens in their life. they might fall apart because they havent gone through anything that bad before while i think that we wont be phased as much by those kinds of events in the future and will instead act more rationally.

I've seen a number of people try to stay on drugs for lengthy periods of time, that they tolerated ok to start with, and then eventually found that they turned on them and they were in a world of suffering and hurt trying to get off of them having been on them for years or decades.

Also, as I said to you in a previous post, with an example success story, many are struck by how inebriated and not themselves they were on drugs and they did not even realise it.

3 hours ago, Luke said:

Also, as I said to you in a previous post, with an example success story, many are struck by how inebriated and not themselves they were on drugs and they did not even realise it.

To be honest, I've been slowly realizing this too. I didn't like how much I didn't care about certain things like weight, style, things like that. I also hated how groggy I was from the Vyvanse crash and dependent on it to function.

I just desperately wish I had tried to taper off rather than a cold turkey. The consequences of that have been astronomical. I'm really starting to think I burned out from the CT rather than the job itself.

I am for the most part glad I am off the meds. At this point, I might have more situational depression than waves. Though the waves still come.

21 minutes ago, Kahran said:

I just desperately wish I had tried to taper off rather than a cold turkey. The consequences of that have been astronomical. I'm really starting to think I burned out from the CT rather than the job itself.

You, and pretty much everyone who was harmed by a CT/taper that was too quick.

Most people only find out that it is dangerous once they've been harmed.

That is not our fault.

23 minutes ago, Luke said:

Most people only find out that it is dangerous once they've been harmed.

That is not our fault.

I can understand this if maybe you trusted a doctor. But, what really gets me is that I saw all this tapering advice and reinstatement advice about a month into the CT. I decided "nah, im tough enough."

That decision costed me friendships, a job, a career, my quality of life. It's maddening and unfair. I guess I didn't expect the cognitive effects and just be severely depressed for a few months. To think 1/4 of a pill potentially could've prevented all this.

God damnit, I probably wouldn't have gone cold turkey if my psych just respected my wishes to get off the meds in the first place. I wanted off since 2023...

Having very bad anhedonia the last few weeks. Or month?

I genuinely wonder why I'm even alive. It's the worst feeling in the world. It affects everything from hobbies to job performance. I did have a contract gig on the weekends to man a tournament this year. I used to do it pretty well in past years but this time I just had zero interest and did a poor job. Therefore, I did not get called back. There's an event this weekend too, I miss being able to see my friend.

To be fair, I think me taking those benzos at the time caused me to very anxious and unfocused at the last event...I was basically panicking the whole time. I seem to be past that kind of wave though. The depression and anhedonia still lingers but at least I'm not freaking out.

28 minutes ago, Kahran said:

Having very bad anhedonia the last few weeks. Or month?

I genuinely wonder why I'm even alive. It's the worst feeling in the world. It affects everything from hobbies to job performance. I did have a contract gig on the weekends to man a tournament this year. I used to do it pretty well in past years but this time I just had zero interest and did a poor job. Therefore, I did not get called back. There's an event this weekend too, I miss being able to see my friend.

To be fair, I think me taking those benzos at the time caused me to very anxious and unfocused at the last event...I was basically panicking the whole time. I seem to be past that kind of wave though. The depression and anhedonia still lingers but at least I'm not freaking out.

@Kahran You already know some of what you're felling is just your normal morning anxiety rush. It'll calm as the day goes by. You've been doing better, but there are still going to be ups and downs. Again, its important to move away from blame and to work on acceptance and coping skills. If taking a benzo didn't work out, now you know not to try that again--you gained some knowledge. You have to accept you already have the strength to recover and you don't have to rely on another med. Give yourself a chance and you'll be surprised what you can do.