16 minutes ago, Lighty said:

some people can react to sunbathing, i had a few times reactions to the sun like that which was more than just fatigue, how long was the sunbath and how much of your skin was exposed ?

I dont think the sunbathing caused the akathesia, but usually like 10 to 20 minutes in the sun. 

 

It just happens. I get restless and think. Pacing around like crazy, pulling on hair ,that insatiable feeling of dread. It's horrible.

Edited April 14Apr 14 by Kahran

1 minute ago, Kahran said:

I dont think the sunbathing caused the akathesia, but usually like 10 to 20 minutes in the sun. 

 

It just happens. I get restless and think. Pacing around like crazy, pulling on hair ,that insatiable feeling of dread. It's horrible.

it can happen from 10-20 minutes if the uv is high enough, and your body is sensitive to vitamin d even the sun creates, assuming you wear only pants and fully exposed.

I talked with a guy in the past who was in accute withdrawal, sunlight would cause him akathisia, vitamin d is a stimulant so it could trigger akathisia, same with sun exposure (even tho it's gentler than supplement obviously).

I also had a few times i had some symptoms after being in the sun.

25 minutes ago, Lighty said:

it can happen from 10-20 minutes if the uv is high enough, and your body is sensitive to vitamin d even the sun creates, assuming you wear only pants and fully exposed.

I talked with a guy in the past who was in accute withdrawal, sunlight would cause him akathisia, vitamin d is a stimulant so it could trigger akathisia, same with sun exposure (even tho it's gentler than supplement obviously).

I also had a few times i had some symptoms after being in the sun.

theres no end to this shit is there?

 

we cant even enjoy the simple act of sunbathing without getting fucked up?

7 hours ago, Kahran said:

theres no end to this shit is there?

 

we cant even enjoy the simple act of sunbathing without getting fucked up?

Just about working out what works for you. Not easy. Perhaps sit in the sun for a bit. Then sit in the shade but outside. Being outdoors is great. 😊 

12 hours ago, Kahran said:

we cant even enjoy the simple act of sunbathing without getting fucked up?

it's more like some things your nervous system tolerates better and some worse, don't take it in a bad way, just objectively, that's what your nervous system can and can't tolerate well.

if it happens consistently with sunbath (i mean few times in a row, not if one time it happens and the rest it doesn't), you can always just wear more clothes and lower sun time.

It might be a one time thingy and next time you will tolerate it better, sometimes your nervous system is aligned a certain way, where it can't tolerate something for that one time, but then when it's aligned differently, your nervous system tolerates it fine.

I don't want to wake up knowing my chances for a good job, family, kids are completely gone. SI are through the roof this morning. The fork the road I took was the complete wrong one and I can't bear to walk down it anymore.

No melty today, just depression. Haven't left bed yet, theres no point.

Edited April 15Apr 15 by Kahran

16 minutes ago, Kahran said:

I don't want to wake up knowing my chances for a good job, family, kids are completely gone. SI are through the roof this morning. The fork the road I took was the complete wrong one and I can't bear to walk down it anymore.

Kahran, this will pass, nothing stays the same. Please keep yourself safe, and make sure you have your support system around you. Remember this won't be like this forever.

14 minutes ago, Chippy said:

Kahran, this will pass, nothing stays the same. Please keep yourself safe, and make sure you have your support system around you. Remember this won't be like this forever.

"This too shall pass"

If I had used that more at my last job, maybe I could've survived. If I was just slightly more positive, maybe I could see the forest for the trees and see all those Sales Engineer roles pop up. Roles that I wanted to move to.

Instead, I chose the nuclear option to quit it all. Now there is nothing. This too shall pass? There is nothing to be excited about anymore. Everything is completely out of reach.

To think, one bad customer back in October 2024 was the cause. I just should've said "this too shall pass" cause it eventually did. It just ended up with an FMLA leave that destroyed my reputation and knowledge there.

You're looping again, and relating everything back to your so-called failure. That's not constructive. Every event in our lives is a learning experience. In 2019, my wife and I moved to Portugal because we wanted to travel in Europe. COVID had other plans. After the pandemic abated, we reassessed our priorities and decided to move back to the States. Moving overseas wasn't cheap and moving back wasn't either. We didn't get the chance to travel as we wanted and we missed family and friends more than we thought we would. Was coming home a failure? Nope. Life is a series of experiments--sometimes and experiment works and sometimes it doesn't, but there's no judgement when things don't go as planned.

Heres' the thing; its not your job loss that you're beating yourself up over. That's just the outlet. Your anxious mind wants to land on something it can use to keep you locked in negative thinking. So you attach way too much value to that one thing. I suggest trying thought replacement. When you start ruminating on your job loss, try replacing those thoughts with positive ones like. "I'm glad I'm no longer in that stressful job" or "I can use this time to reassess my work and life priorities". Things may not have worked out as you liked, but that doesn't doom the rest of your life to perceived failure.

15 minutes ago, mstimc60 said:

When you start ruminating on your job loss, try replacing those thoughts with positive ones like. "I'm glad I'm no longer in that stressful job" or "I can use this time to reassess my work and life priorities". Things may not have worked out as you liked, but that doesn't doom the rest of your life to perceived failure.

This is it in a nut shell. You choose how you think about this. Focus on the negative enough and it will be reality for you. Take the approach suggested here, and you can find the positive and move forward.

Time to pull up out of the dive @Kahran ! You can do it!

That was my mindset for the first 6 months unemployed. I was so relieved to be out of that hellhole and working on my own wellbeing. The thought of not having to return was also great.

But now, its very hard to return to that mindset as my bank account dwindles and I've stayed in the same area for a bit under a year. I gave up a lot of independence for this. My mind has deteriorated.

I don't even know if the stress was really that bad or if I just played it up. I could've done the work, I just needed to not be a bitch. The withdrawal didn't help but I got through the first two months alright...

On 4/13/2026 at 6:14 PM, Kahran said:

Not having it is clearly having a worse negative influence. I feel like I'm going fucking crazy with regret. I have no idea if I just had an akathesic episode but I was just pacing in circles in my parents garage muttering how I've fucking ruined everything.

Maybe, or perhaps you would have suffered deeper and deeper withdrawal and struggled more and more still in work anyway.

I made no bad decisions during withdrawal and still struggled with all of the same feelings and it still fucked my life up.

You don't know what would have happened and there's no guarantee you'd have been able to keep it up and function through it.

People who are not in withdrawal lose jobs, have significant health events that they cannot control, and generally life can hit people very hard. The difference is withdrawal is making coping with the fallout of that far, far harder.

I've seen many stories where people lost jobs, homes, spouses and so on, where people then went on to live good lives. You are highly likely to recover, and from there you can build a good life again. It just seems totally impossible because you're unable to now.

@Kahran I think if today is a day where you can't get out of bed, that is sometimes a good thing. Bed is safe and the world cannot hurt you there. On my worst days, I figure if I can't get out of bed, I can't end my life. The goal is literally sometimes not to move or get up, so I can stay safe until I can get some sleep that night or until it eases up. You will probably notice that sometimes the thoughts are 10/10 and sometimes 6/10 and some days they are 4/10. The fluctuate, which means this isn't forever.

oh god today is a 10/10 why the fuck did i choose this path im going to fucking die my life was fine the way it was i took the wrong fork FUCK

@Kahran You are creating your own reality around a life event there's nothing you can do about. What's done is done. If a friend was sitting at a table across from you beating himself up over something that can't be changed, what would you tell him? Would you tell him his life will never have any meeting and he'll never be happy again? Or would you tell him to leave the past behind and start working on a better future? Use the same advice you'd give your friend on yourself.

5 hours ago, mstimc60 said:

@Kahran You are creating your own reality around a life event there's nothing you can do about. What's done is done. If a friend was sitting at a table across from you beating himself up over something that can't be changed, what would you tell him? Would you tell him his life will never have any meeting and he'll never be happy again? Or would you tell him to leave the past behind and start working on a better future? Use the same advice you'd give your friend on yourself.

I mean, you got me. It's very hard to see him in this state and the words don't seem to be hitting.

I can't sleep.

Nothing has ever felt right. I know you have to force yourself to do things but even once you get past that 10 minute hump...its not enjoyable or engaging. Maybe its the state of mind I'm in but I can't engage with anything at the moment. Friends, games, upcoming events, its all complete apathy. Its saddening to see my friends just enjoy things.

The job was a symptom too. I completely lost interest in it one day and just could not continue or get the mojo back. It feels that way for everything. It's very bleak. I don't want to move or do anything. The world can crumble around me and I just wouldn't care.

Old photos of me are depressing. I see a kid super happy and whimsical. He turned into a depressed piece of shit with no grit.

Sorry to read Kahran.

Sleep issues are common in all this. They improve with time.

Just one day at a time. I know things are tough for you right now. It won’t always be that way. You’ve had some great advice on here. If you get no response when you need, read back over some of it. It all still stands today.

Sadly, this is all very "normal" for withdrawal syndrome and the amount of time you've gone through it.

However, what that does mean is that you too are likely to improve and then recover in more time. What you are going through at 14/15months off is what many others who have recovered went through at 14/15 months off.

why didnt i just stay on the lexapro? i was depressed but at least i was somewhat functional IF that.

On September 20th 2024, there was a meeting at my job about how the company wanted to hire more in Bangalore and use AI. To me, it made me feel worthless cause the quality of support did not matter. This was a huge turning point because things at work were actually going well for me. My manager was supporting me through cases and I had time to study. But after that, all my interest just completely evaporated. I think I took the news too hard or too literally cause it really didn't matter but I remember that being basically the catalyst to all of this. I was essentially bedbound for 5 days after. I feel so stupid for letting that affect everything. I'm pretty sure I was taking the Lexapro as I mentioned I couldn't cry at my friends funeral in which his death followed 4 days after. I'm really not sure cause this period I may have stopped taking it cause I was so bedridden. Maybe that fucked up my feelings on it.

I can't believe I let my life fall apart like this. Even at the time, I knew it was happening and I just didn't care. I really don't have hope for the future. I feel like September and October of 2024 were the deciding months. I let negativity consume and ruin me. It still is. I havent left my bed all week. I'm supposed to volunteer this Monday and I haven't prepared at all and havent cared. I can't fucking live like this anymore. My life was fine rhe way it is. why didnt i have a therapist to talk to. my landlord gave me one in may when he saw how down in the dumps. i couldve used that, maybe i wouldve gotten past this.

55 minutes ago, Kahran said:

why didnt i just stay on the lexapro? i was depressed but at least i was somewhat functional IF that.

On September 20th 2024, there was a meeting at my job about how the company wanted to hire more in Bangalore and use AI. To me, it made me feel worthless cause the quality of support did not matter. This was a huge turning point because things at work were actually going well for me. My manager was supporting me through cases and I had time to study. But after that, all my interest just completely evaporated. I think I took the news too hard or too literally cause it really didn't matter but I remember that being basically the catalyst to all of this. I was essentially bedbound for 5 days after. I feel so stupid for letting that affect everything. I'm pretty sure I was taking the Lexapro as I mentioned I couldn't cry at my friends funeral in which his death followed 4 days after. I'm really not sure cause this period I may have stopped taking it cause I was so bedridden. Maybe that fucked up my feelings on it.

I can't believe I let my life fall apart like this. Even at the time, I knew it was happening and I just didn't care. I really don't have hope for the future. I feel like September and October of 2024 were the deciding months. I let negativity consume and ruin me. It still is. I havent left my bed all week. I'm supposed to volunteer this Monday and I haven't prepared at all and havent cared. I can't fucking live like this anymore. My life was fine rhe way it is. why didnt i have a therapist to talk to. my landlord gave me one in may when he saw how down in the dumps. i couldve used that, maybe i wouldve gotten past this.

I'm sorry you're suffering so much but you have to stop blaming yourself! @Kahran You didn't decide, it was the drugs that decided for you, I've seen it so many times including myself, the lack of caring was so terrible, nothing mattered and hence the decisions I made.

This is a good enough reason to be glad that you're cleaning your system, your mind that is still affected and in an infinite loop will slowly be freed from the drug's grip and things will look totally different, you can then work in a healthy way on the existing problems and make informed decisions that will serve you well and will take you to a worthy satisfying place, all of this will happen, one day at the time, you just have to hold on 🙏

I agree about the apathy being a killer but holy shit I'd rather the apathy than the feeling like you're going to die. The depression didn't lead me to taking risks like quitting my fucking job livelihood.

God damnit why didn't I just reinstate in January 2025. Why did I just make my life so much fucking harder for NO FUCKING REASON

Edited April 17Apr 17 by Kahran

46 minutes ago, Kahran said:

I agree about the apathy being a killer but holy shit I'd rather the apathy than the feeling like you're going to die. The depression didn't lead me to taking risks like quitting my fucking job livelihood.

God damnit why didn't I just reinstate in January 2025.

Well, I highly doubt it @Kahran The apathy would remain and even worsen with a host of other unexpected symptoms while this experience is temporary and will lead you to a healthy place from which you can move forward clearly, but for it to succeed, you also need a strong will for it to happen..

Edited April 17Apr 17 by Fullhealing

28 minutes ago, Fullhealing said:

Well, I highly doubt it @Kahran The apathy would remain and even worsen with a host of other unexpected symptoms while this experience is temporary and will lead you to a healthy place from which you can move forward clearly, but for it to succeed, you also need a strong will for it to happen..

Okay. I'll accept it was probably for the best. I just keep thinking that had I still been on it, maybe I wouldn't have made the decisions that led me here. There were definitely still turning points I could've kept my job had I just done the work.

1 hour ago, Kahran said:

Okay. I'll accept it was probably for the best. I just keep thinking that had I still been on it, maybe I wouldn't have made the decisions that led me here. There were definitely still turning points I could've kept my job had I just done the work.

You always know in hindsight! @Kahran It's irrelevant so there's no point in messing with it anymore.

Make the effort and think about where you'll be when your system is clean, I promise you it's better than where you were!

You have to aim there, give your mind a counter! 🙏