2 hours ago, Chippy said:

My advice would be to avoid as much as possible, situations that are stressful, and conversation and advice from those who don’t and cannot understand what you are going through. We have to protect ourselves in wd.

Unfortunately, after I got home I got put in a very bad ultimatum by my mother. Either I need to take an anti-depressant to stay in this house, or I have to leave by the middle of May. I really wish I was making this up.

There is no negotiation's here. Nothing I've ever said gets through to her. She thinks I have to be on something and I don't blame her with how bad the withdrawal got. But, I think again it was that lorazepam in February that fucked me up the most. She thinks because I only took it maybe 2 or 3 times that I don't count for withdrawal and that my akathesic episodes were my depression. Despite them never really happening before I took one.

The regrets are really really hitting hard now. I seriously have no idea what I should do at this point.

1 minute ago, Kahran said:

Unfortunately, after I got home I got put in a very bad ultimatum by my mother. Either I need to take an anti-depressant to stay in this house, or I have to leave by the middle of May. I really wish I was making this up.

There is no negotiation's here. Nothing I've ever said gets through to her. She thinks I have to be on something and I don't blame her with how bad the withdrawal got. But, I think again it was that lorazepam in February that fucked me up the most. She thinks because I only took it maybe 2 or 3 times that I don't count for withdrawal and that my akathesic episodes were my depression. Despite them never really happening before I took one.

The regrets are really really hitting hard now. I seriously have no idea what I should do at this point.

May I suggest having her look at this site so she can see how badly meds affect people? A lot of people just accept whatever pharma tells doctors, and the doctors buy into into.

5 minutes ago, mstimc60 said:

May I suggest having her look at this site so she can see how badly meds affect people? A lot of people just accept whatever pharma tells doctors, and the doctors buy into into.

She literally will not listen. She was a nurse who worked at a methadone clinic so she trusts the system. She takes Ativan and Prozac herself and believes theres no way to dig yourself out of a hole without antidepressants.

The whole regret over the job was the hole for me. Maybe that lorazepam elevated it to a point I became non functional and obsessed over it.

Edited April 20Apr 20 by Kahran

I think I managed to convince her to think otherwise. The reality is that I haven't been doing much to help myself because I was so stuck in the past. Today felt like a come to God moment to really just accept things as they are. That means accepting I'm not going to feel good, or want to do certain things, that my money is draining, that the next job may not be so good. It does not matter, I need to move forward regardless. That means distracting myself in some way. People have opened doors that I was too busy having a pity party to go through.

I cannot let what I'm feeling now get in the way of what I want/need to be doing. And I have to be able to do this without drugs. I have proven I can do this in the past. October was actually a good window for me where I walked everyday and enjoyed the autumn. November came and I didn't have a suitable distraction to tide me over, or December.

I need to do things instead of lying around. Even if the things are meaningless.

Maybe when shes in a better state, I can show her surviving anti-depressants or benzo buddies or other resources so she can see. But I have doubts she'll take them seriously as she said to me herself, she NEEDS her Prozac and Ativan.

8 hours ago, Kahran said:

I'll add these to my signature cause I think its significant.

Good idea Kahran

8 hours ago, Kahran said:

Take this to numb it out for now, but it must be paid back later, with interest.

It’s a good analogy, they are far from the answer. But that’s the past now 😀

6 hours ago, Kahran said:

Unfortunately, after I got home I got put in a very bad ultimatum by my mother. Either I need to take an anti-depressant to stay in this house, or I have to leave by the middle of May. I really wish I was making this up.

There is no negotiation's here. Nothing I've ever said gets through to her. She thinks I have to be on something and I don't blame her with how bad the withdrawal got. But, I think again it was that lorazepam in February that fucked me up the most. She thinks because I only took it maybe 2 or 3 times that I don't count for withdrawal and that my akathesic episodes were my depression. Despite them never really happening before I took one.

The regrets are really really hitting hard now. I seriously have no idea what I should do at this point.

Perhaps print this off, and let her read this.

A letter from Angie

5 hours ago, Kahran said:

I think I managed to convince her to think otherwise. The reality is that I haven't been doing much to help myself because I was so stuck in the past. Today felt like a come to God moment to really just accept things as they are. That means accepting I'm not going to feel good, or want to do certain things, that my money is draining, that the next job may not be so good. It does not matter, I need to move forward regardless. That means distracting myself in some way. People have opened doors that I was too busy having a pity party to go through.

I cannot let what I'm feeling now get in the way of what I want/need to be doing. And I have to be able to do this without drugs. I have proven I can do this in the past. October was actually a good window for me where I walked everyday and enjoyed the autumn. November came and I didn't have a suitable distraction to tide me over, or December.

I need to do things instead of lying around. Even if the things are meaningless.

Maybe when shes in a better state, I can show her surviving anti-depressants or benzo buddies or other resources so she can see. But I have doubts she'll take them seriously as she said to me herself, she NEEDS her Prozac and Ativan.

I am amazed and appreciative of the change in thinking you are making @Kahran very challenging to do when the mind is still so strongly influenced which indicates your tremendous powers.

As for your mother, the best proof is to witness your progress without chemicals and with the inspiring work you are doing on yourself, it may happen.

I had an interview today. It went pretty well but I can definitely notice my memory being off. The interviewers seemed to jog my memory a bit.

But, I've still been looping a bit. Maybe I've been looking at too many stories about psych meds. I wish I saw them back in 2018.

On a side note, would you guys count Vyvanse as a psych med? It definitely affects the brain. I'm not even sure if I get anything out of it anymore. I think I noticed that when I first took Adderall back in 7th grade. By 9th grade, I think it just kept me awake (cause I couldn't fall asleep from taking it). ADHD is one condition I can't really tell if medication helps or not. Though theres people that seem to get by without meds.

4 minutes ago, Kahran said:

On a side note, would you guys count Vyvanse as a psych med?

It is definitely a psychiatric medication and affects the neurotransmitters dopamine and noradrenaline. I had an adverse reaction to it. I am facing the rest of my life without ADHD medication. If you are operating in a dysregulated nervous system, Vyvanse is going to be adding to the picture.

Vyvanse needs tapering for sure

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/8761-tips-for-tapering-off-vyvanse-lisdexamfetamine-dimesylate/

18 minutes ago, Kahran said:

had an interview today. It went pretty well but I can definitely notice my memory being off. The interviewers seemed to jog my memory a bit.

Good to hear. These things never go perfectly, in our minds at least, hope it works out.

18 minutes ago, Kahran said:

But, I've still been looping a bit. Maybe I've been looking at too many stories about psych meds. I wish I saw them back in 2018.

You’ve been doing really well. It’s a constant maintenance to keep the busy brain in check.

19 minutes ago, Kahran said:

On a side note, would you guys count Vyvanse as a psych med? It definitely affects the brain.

It’s certainly part the picture here as @Sminismoni has said.

As @LostinCanada has said, it needs tapering should you choose to stop it. I think it’s a good goal. Med free would be a good for you I think. You’ve started building up your toolkit to help with this. 👍

Alright, I'll taper/stop the Vyvanse. To be honest though, I never really had issues with long withdrawal from the Vyvanse. Usually only 2 or 3 days. I don't think I have an issue focusing because I remember scouring the internet for hours/days on Adderall/Vyvanse withdrawal and not really finding anything.

Atomoxetine was a fucking shitshow @Sminismoni . I'm sorry you're going through that. I didn't have the exact side effects but the stomach troubles and the ED were enough for me to want off.

The Ambien is something I need to taper too. I may just have to put up with some sleepless nights for the next few weeks.

quick edit: looks like i'm moving to the next steps on this job

Edited April 21Apr 21 by Kahran

Hey, I’ve been following your story for a while and I’m proud of you with the job and your progress. I’ve gone through the anxiety, anxious ruminating, and what I call emotional volatility (those strong WD emotions), and often times it has me wanting to hunker down and focus on feeling better at that moment. But I do know that working is absolutely good for the mind. It forces us to redirect from ourselves and how we feel. It teaches us that we can be okay, that the world isn’t ending. (As that horrendous anxiety would have you believe.)

Take it day by day, and don’t borrow trouble thinking about the future. Lord knows I’m trying that lol.

On 4/20/2026 at 2:19 AM, Kahran said:

those fucking lorazepam's. i think they fuckin did me in. im sorry i left this out but i totally forgot about them till just now. I didn't put the two and two together.

seriously, i dont think i had akathesia like this until after i took one or after that talk with my friend. i cant remember but i remember the mornings becoming extremely anxious after that talk. I havent taken any since i didnt like how they made me feel. just knocked out and brain glitchy. but could only 2 or 3 fuck you up like that?

oh man ive really overcomplicated this badly. I'm feeling extremely lost and hopeless now. Maybe it explains my behavior on here better...

I’m gonna hop in here and throw a few things at you and i hope i’m not stepping on any toes here but it feels like you need some facts from someone who’s done the benzo thing.

If ambien or lorazepam helped you in the moment or gave you some relief then there is absolutely no reason why taking two or three “did you in” or made it worse. Taking them systematically is prone to leave you at risk of very bad withdrawals, yes.

But if you didn’t start a benzo with an immediate bad adverse reaction OR a paradoxical effect from it then it is highly highly highly unlikely that a sedative/calming drug that you took a couple times made you worse. They are the “brakes” whereas SSRIs are much more of a neutral or stimulating drug.

Don’t dwell on it. Shit happens. Coincidences happen. Beating yourself like a fuckin rented mule isnt helping you. You wanna help yourself heal?

A: write down a pro/con list for reinstating. If you decide the pros outweigh the cons then DO IT CAREFULLY

B: I know it feels impossible but you gotta stop catastrophizing. Figure out a plan of action, be it reinstatement, be it sticking to your guns, write it all out and pin it on the wall above your bed and fist bump that shit before you turn in for the night. It’s war, dude. Fight like it’s your life that depends on it.

C: Find a reason to continue. Something non negotiable. I have my daughter and wife. Find something that means something to you and do it for that. Not for yourself. We’re often stronger when we’re fighting for others rather than ourselves.

Sorry kahran i might have missed your most recent replies to this post as i was on the page before. But i still think it holds true my dude. Make a list. Bear down. Message me if you want support 🫡

1 hour ago, Talltreescoldseas said:

absolutely no reason why taking two or three “did you in” or made it worse.

Adding a psych med to an already destabilised nervous system can be like putting out a fire with gasoline! And ABSOLUTELY can make all this worse!

18 minutes ago, Chippy said:

Adding a psych med to an already destabilised nervous system can be like putting out a fire with gasoline! And ABSOLUTELY can make all this worse!

Alright i’ll cave i’m just saying that its far less likely with a benzo than… say, an antipsychotic or something like that.

17 minutes ago, Talltreescoldseas said:

Alright i’ll cave i’m just saying that its far less likely with a benzo than… say, an antipsychotic or something like that.

It’s best to not think so granular about all this. Our nervous systems once sensitised/destablised/injured can react to anything psychoactive. There no way of knowing what or who will be effected. Even coffee can be an issue for some! Also Antihistamines, anaesthetic, antibiotics. And obviously Alcohol.

Best to think of the body as one interconnected system, rather than thinking, this drug does this, this drug does that.

@Talltreescoldseas Finding a reason to continue is the hardest thing. That is the number one reason I think things fell apart a year ago because I simply couldn't find any reasons.

I'm in a bit of a bad mood today because last night I realized it's been a year since my PIP. I remember feeling mixed about it but spun it into sort of a positive. That I'd be able to leave with some unemployment money rather than nothing. But that was short term ultimately. Obviously, this wasn't a good enough reason to keep continuing. I remember I kept trying to find reasons for staying but I lost it all. A lot of support systems also just got dismantled during that time so I was very isolated.

In hindsight, I guess having money, an apartment (despite barely being able to save), and a routine wouldve been a good reason? Or trying to reforge those local communities?

I do think your advice is good though. I really shouldve been writing stuff and putting it on walls.

58 minutes ago, Kahran said:

@Talltreescoldseas Finding a reason to continue is the hardest thing. That is the number one reason I think things fell apart a year ago because I simply couldn't find any reasons.

I'm in a bit of a bad mood today because last night I realized it's been a year since my PIP. I remember feeling mixed about it but spun it into sort of a positive. That I'd be able to leave with some unemployment money rather than nothing. But that was short term ultimately. Obviously, this wasn't a good enough reason to keep continuing. I remember I kept trying to find reasons for staying but I lost it all. A lot of support systems also just got dismantled during that time so I was very isolated.

In hindsight, I guess having money, an apartment (despite barely being able to save), and a routine wouldve been a good reason? Or trying to reforge those local communities?

I do think your advice is good though. I really shouldve been writing stuff and putting it on walls.

That’s in the past too. Look at the ability to restart and try to find something that a (maybe idealistic, maybe completely made up right now) version of yourself would want to do. And then go after that. When you recover, you will thank your past self for doing it for you.

I went back to work about 6 months in. Mostly because i had to. We had a 1.4 million dollar contract that was about 10% completed and it was either make it work or end up getting likely sued for a large amount of money (self employment). Need is a powerful motivator. You’d be amazed what circular thoughts and ruminations your brain is able to shut up when it’s truly do or die.

I think you’ve got this. Baby steps. Windows and waves are a good thing. The fact that you’ve made it this far shows inner strength. I made it 4 or something months before i caved and went to meds.

@Kahran , I worked in the public service for about 40 years. One reason I stuck with it as a career is that I believe all people have intrinsic value regardless of their situation. Too many people link their value as human beings to their job or where they live, or the kind of car they drive. I live in in Southern California, where superficiality has been turned into an art form. Even the tennis shoes you wear make a statement. If your life had no meaning, then the many people on this site wouldn't be working so hard to support you. You may not go back to who or what you were, but that's not a bad thing. None of us are the same people we were a month ago.

Your anxious mind is creating an idealized past reality that most likely didn't exist so it can beat you up by reminding you what you "lost". You can build a new future based on what you've gone through the past year. You can be stronger and more flexible in how you define personal success. But you need to let go of the past. You're already reaching out to other members to help them--just doing that proves you have so much more to offer the world!

44 minutes ago, mstimc60 said:

Your anxious mind is creating an idealized past reality that most likely didn't exist so it can beat you up by reminding you what you "lost".

I don't know about this chief. I lived a lively downtown area where I was able to take an electric scooter down nearly everyday and chill.

49 minutes ago, Talltreescoldseas said:

Need is a powerful motivator. You’d be amazed what circular thoughts and ruminations your brain is able to shut up when it’s truly do or die.

I just don't know why I couldn't feel this at all during my PIP, or the months prior to it. When it mattered the most. I was completely apathetic to the work piling up and the job falling apart.

Even now, theres times where there is a fire under my ass, but I'm just tied to a stake and burning.

Just now, Kahran said:

I don't know about this chief. I lived a lively downtown area where I was able to take an electric scooter down nearly everyday and chill.

i’d agree with you Kahran on this one. My mind doesnt play games with me, and it’s truly 100% the meds and damage/withdrawal. For me personally it’s not about battling anxiety or etc because i only ever had small tiny blips of it, and was one of the least anxious people I knew. Then wham. My thought processes are as close to perfect and non rumination driven and etc as I can make em and yet…. It persists. So another thing not to beat yourself up about honestly

3 hours ago, mstimc60 said:

You can build a new future based on what you've gone through the past year. You can be stronger and more flexible in how you define personal success. But you need to let go of the past. You're already reaching out to other members to help them--just doing that proves you have so much more to offer the world!

You’ve come a long way @Kahran in a short time. I’m so impressed! You should be proud of this! Build on it! You’ve got this! 😀

You guys are really encouraging. People do still see things in me. I was basically volunteer'ed into running an event for a local club last night.

Today has been tough with the ruminations. I've been trying to keep busy but little things through out the day pop up that remind me of the past year. There's times where I don't really think I can blame withdrawal for my actions but I'm not sure. My work was trying to accommodate me at times but I didn't budge through. I guess I still need to accept things though. If I was feeling alright, it wouldn't have transpired the way it did, right?