4 hours ago, Luke said:

 

At 14months off a CT, there's a huge amount of precedent for recovery and living a good life afterwards.

Maybe if people didnt royally fuck up their life 6 months in the CT like I have.

8 minutes ago, Kahran said:

Maybe if people didnt royally fuck up their life 6 months in the CT like I have.

You can have a certain quality of life even if you are house bound with symptoms, I barely leave my house and find things to do.

You just have to keep a monk mentality, focus on the now, remember it's just highs and lows like the highs and lows of life, don't believe al your emotions and thoughts, just focus on the present/other things you can do. 

https://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577314808

7 minutes ago, Lighty said:

You can have a certain quality of life even if you are house bound with symptoms, I barely leave my house and find things to do.

You just have to keep a monk mentality, focus on the now, remember it's just highs and lows like the highs and lows of life, don't believe al your emotions and thoughts, just focus on the present/other things you can do. 

https://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577314808

That wasn't the life I wanted. If I had just gotten my work shit together in March or SOMETHING. But then again, who knows if I could keep it together after March or if I would've fucked another thing up.

 

I don't know anymore. The rage pattern is strong today. I just want to bang my head into whatever wall or door I can find. I hate myself so much for doing this.

4 minutes ago, Kahran said:

I don't know anymore. The rage pattern is strong today. I just want to bang my head into whatever wall or door I can find. I hate myself so much for doing this

okay then see what can help you with the rage, you can try hot/cold showers, washing face with cold water, focus on breathing and meditating for 5-10 minutes, and etc.

You need to find your ways to treat yourself for every symptom.

don't identify with your emotions, instead you need to observe them from afar and see how can you deal with it.

I really can't remember what I was going through during the first 6 months of withdrawal but I don't think its as bad as this. Things were going decently well other than places that couldve been easily changed with the resources I had. Other than the job which was driving me insane. But its still my fault for leaving and acting on the idea to quit. Its not a bad idea, but a sign things are really wrong. 

 

Why didn't I just take time off or just act on the shitty things??? Holy fucking shit I hate myself. I tried splashing water on ny face like 6 times in a row and I think it made me worse. This rage is absolutely insane and I can't keep living like this everyday. These posts are the only non-destructive way I can cope atm.

 

I'm sorry if I keep going in circles constantly. I know I need to accept but the anger in my heart for myself is insatiable. I try to break my thoughts and point them lit "this is a regret loop" but its too strong.  I can't break free, I just want to live in peace again. 

 

The statements that have a hold over me:

"Why did I quit?"

"That's all you had to do!"

"You couldve done the PIP!"

"You were fine!"

"Why couldnt I get it together?"

"Why!?"

 

I'm seriously reconsidering a reinstatement of Celexa at a low dose. Maybe the sister drug will have much less side effects or something. I seriously cant live the way I'm living when I take a talk and want to just either bash my head into something or rip something apart. People used to see me as the stoic, calm person too...

3 hours ago, Kahran said:

Maybe if people didnt royally fuck up their life 6 months in the CT like I have.

 

Plenty have suffered significant consequences from these drugs, and gone on to live good lives.

 

At 18 months off, I was having week-long episodes where I struggled to walk and talk. I couldn't work at all for two years, and after that I started doing 2x 2h hours a week, which was physically and cognitively still way too much, too soon. At 3 years off I'm working now, but in a lower responsibility role for less pay.

 

The sexual dysfunction means that having a family seems very risky, and I cannot seek a partner anyway.

 

The job was driving you insane anyway, in your own words. I don't know what country you're in but in much of the anglosphere a PIP is used to gather evidence to dismiss someone. You are desperate to return to what feels like a fork in the road and make "the right choice", but there's no way of knowing what that would have been and what would have happened. The job was clearly having a significant negative influence on your health and wellbeing.

 

 

The anger, looping thoughts etc. are all withdrawal symptoms and I've had them extensively. The only way forwards is through it, however it absolutely is true that if you recover more, not working for a while does not prevent you living a good life for many, many decades.

 

 

15 minutes ago, Luke said:

The job was clearly having a significant negative influence on your health and wellbeing.

Not having it is clearly having a worse negative influence. I feel like I'm going fucking crazy with regret. I have no idea if I just had an akathesic episode but I was just pacing in circles in my parents garage muttering how I've fucking ruined everything.

 

That job allowed me to live on my own. I didnt like my apartment after awhile (it only had a kitchenette) but I didn't need to nuke my entire life for that reason. I couldve simply found a different one which I did but didn't take cause I decided I was going to leave the job end of May. 

 

God even gave me a sign that they would take an April 1st entry after them March but I turned then down. That apartment was so nice. And I turned it down. If I took it, maybe my motivation to at least put up with my job increased. Maybe I wouldve had more fight. Instead I just gave up and moved back to my parents. I've lost so much identity and freedom despite them leaving me alone for the most part. 

 

These prospective jobs will not pay as much as my last one. The tech market is absolutely fucked and I decided to give up during it. I ruined everything abd it all started by stopping a drug.

 

 

Okay, I think the "Morning Melties" have subsided for the day. These meltdowns or "melties" definitely have been the most prevalent almost throughout the past 2 or 3 years, both medicated and unmedicated. I'm starting to wonder if the Ambien has most to do with it. I know most people aren't jolting to get out of bed but I don't think its normal to get out later than you are supposed to. 

 

I'm barely functioning at the moment but the reality is that I was barely functioning near the tail-end of my medication too. I was fatigued, apathetic, had trouble doing things, trouble getting things together, really just unwell.

 

I think I pooped out on the Lexapro about a year in. I noticed this huge shift in my aptitude and mood one day where I was just not doing all the cool stuff I was doing before. It really felt like some of these simple things should not take so much effort on my part to start and do. Things such as putting up simple Halloween decorations or Christmas decorations. Cleaning my car, basic apartment care, laundry, etc. I had a good routine going and it just stopped. 

 

I'm more writing this down as a reminder to myself each time I want to try reinstating. Do I really want to go through this again? As shitty as things are now, you all are saying things will get better. I may just be going through a huge wave. October 2025 felt like a big window for me. I was walking 10k+ steps a day, enjoying the autumn, losing lots of weight. Now the effort to walk even 4k steps right now is very tough. I notice myself getting halfway down the street before my emotions and body just turn itself around. 

 

The signs were there that something was wrong, and I don't think it was entirely work related either. I can see it in my mother and brother as they take their Prozac, they barely do anything.

 

I just hope I can heal from this. I really want to be that guy from 2018 again. The one who had everything in front of him after he lost 80 lbs. He was still going through some withdrawals I think from that weekly Prozac but he still had the energy and guts. 

One last thought before bed. I don't want to discard withdrawal because obviously the things I'm feeling are very real. What I was feeling in those first 4 months was also very real. But, I can't help but feel that my feelings now are just a direct result of my actions back in March/April 2024. I just wonder, if I had decided to go for that apartment, would it have been enough to keep my job? The seeds of the PIP weren't sown until mid March.

 

I guess it is pointless to ask. Maybe? But another thing could've popped up? Maybe it wouldn't have. That's not even reality at this point. What's annoying is I could've got that apartment. Maybe I still could down the line... I miss living on my own. 

 

I should probably ask this on your thread, but @Luke how did you manage to get by without working for 2 to 3 years? 

Morning Melty again. I woke up at 5am and walked a good 5k steps. I seriously cant wake up like this anymore. I need a purpose. Why did I quit my job? Why didnt I just take a week off or something?

12 minutes ago, Kahran said:

Morning Melty again. I woke up at 5am and walked a good 5k steps. I seriously cant wake up like this anymore. I need a purpose. Why did I quit my job? Why didnt I just take a week off or something?

Please don't beat yourself up, if you stopped working im sure there was a good enough reason, I know it's hard not to get caught in a loop but try to distract yourself with whatever you can and or accept that it's a withdrawal loop and don't give it importance.

What do you manage to do during the day? Do you have any kind of routine?

18 minutes ago, Kahran said:

Morning Melty again. I woke up at 5am and walked a good 5k steps. I seriously cant wake up like this anymore. I need a purpose. Why did I quit my job? Why didnt I just take a week off or something?

Your number one job now @Kahran is to learn how to get out of this looping thought pattern you are in. It isn't serving you to keep going over the old ground. It may well be related to WD, but slowly, slowly, starting to pick away at teaching yourself to stop doing this, will make your life so much more bearable. Remember all the things you have been told on here. Keep looking into them. Eventually it will stick. Takes time, and lots of continued practice. Chippy

42 minutes ago, Fullhealing said:

What do you manage to do during the day? Do you have any kind of routine?

I don't really have much of a routine which is probably the killer at the moment. I really don't know what to strive for or build towards. It's hard to feel motivation for anything. Even games have lost their appeal. 

 

What annoys me is near the end of my working days, I was essentially slacking off for most of the day. It was more out of avoidance because trying to work these cases would cause me intense amounts of stress and body pain. I really wish I had just said to take a week off or something. Maybe I felt guilty having taken leave a few months prior. But I also think a week wouldn't have really done much anyways, as the environment would still be the same. 

 

I had a phone interview today but I'm not hopeful. It pays significantly less but I guess it would give me something to do. They were worried I wouldn't be challenged enough. 

 

I don't know @Chippy. I feel like the only way I'm gonna get past this loop is if I find a replacement job that is similar enough to that one. I'm not even sure if this is withdrawal at this point. I definitely seem to have bouts of akathesia but I tire myself out. 

Edited April 14Apr 14 by Kahran

17 minutes ago, Kahran said:

I don't really have much of a routine which is probably the killer at the moment. I really don't know what to strive for or build towards. It's hard to feel motivation for anything. Even games have lost their appeal. 

 

What annoys me is near the end of my working days, I was essentially slacking off for most of the day. It was more out of avoidance because trying to work these cases would cause me intense amounts of stress and body pain. I really wish I had just said to take a week off or something. Maybe I felt guilty having taken leave a few months prior. But I also think a week wouldn't have really done much anyways, as the environment would still be the same. 

 

I had a phone interview today but I'm not hopeful. It pays significantly less but I guess it would give me something to do. They were worried I wouldn't be challenged enough. 

I get you, it's very easy to get bogged down in why and how etc. when we're stuck into ourselves for too long which so often happens in this process but be easy on yourself, things that were done at the time were right for then and well, probably for now as well when you mention the work pressure you were under which most likely wouldn't have changed.

Hope you get the OK for the new job, even if it's not challenging that's great, you're constantly challenged by withdrawal so it's actually a blessing.

Edited April 14Apr 14 by Fullhealing

A lesson I learned after I retired early...I started questioning my worth as well. Then I realized I still had all the qualities I brought to my job.  I'm a good problem-solver, efficient, etc.  Those qualities didn't change--I just needed an outlet to use them elsewhere.  So I looked for volunteer opportunities and took a WFH part-time job just to keep my mind occupied. (Sometimes, volunteering can lead to a paid position).  Try to think of places where you can put your talents to work in a low-stress environment while you're in recovery--anything to reaffirm your qualities and take your mind o0ut of the doom loop. 

23 minutes ago, Fullhealing said:

things that were done at the time were right for then and well, probably for now as well when you mention the work pressure you were under which most likely wouldn't have changed.

I think I just needed a break. Or just push some boundaries. Even two weeks after I quit, I felt pretty bored.

 

I wish I just took a break on the week I really started falling back in March. I dont know man, every minute theres a new loop or what if. I hate this present I chose for myself. That's truly the worst part, is I chose this. I told my manager to fire me when she wanted to extend the PIP two weeks. I had so many chances to course correct. My gut was WRONG.

 

 

49 minutes ago, Kahran said:

I think I just needed a break. Or just push some boundaries. Even two weeks after I quit, I felt pretty bored.

 

I wish I just took a break on the week I really started falling back in March. I dont know man, every minute theres a new loop or what if. I hate this present I chose for myself. That's truly the worst part, is I chose this. I told my manager to fire me when she wanted to extend the PIP two weeks. I had so many chances to course correct. My gut was WRONG.

 

 

All of us have done something we'd love to change. But we can't.  We can change the future by accepting the present.  A few months after I got marries I applied for what I thought was my dream job.  I didn't get and was very depressed.  Then another job opened up that didn't look like much, but I applied anyway.  I stayed with that organization almost 32 yeas, and in the long run I was much better off than if I'd got the "dream" job.  You never know what's around the corner, and it doesn't mean your life is a failure. 

1 hour ago, Kahran said:

I think I just needed a break. Or just push some boundaries. Even two weeks after I quit, I felt pretty bored.

 

I wish I just took a break on the week I really started falling back in March. I dont know man, every minute theres a new loop or what if. I hate this present I chose for myself. That's truly the worst part, is I chose this. I told my manager to fire me when she wanted to extend the PIP two weeks. I had so many chances to course correct. My gut was WRONG.

 

 

We all have things we regret but always in retrospect, let go of what was, it's dead, if you keep digging the hole it will only get bigger.

You now have an opportunity for a new job i.e. to be busy with something else then yourself, grab it!

11 minutes ago, mstimc60 said:

All of us have done something we'd love to change. But we can't.  We can change the future by accepting the present.  A few months after I got marries I applied for what I thought was my dream job.  I didn't get and was very depressed.  Then another job opened up that didn't look like much, but I applied anyway.  I stayed with that organization almost 32 yeas, and in the long run I was much better off than if I'd got the "dream" job.  You never know what's around the corner, and it doesn't mean your life is a failure. 

I was much more accepting at the time. If I felt so strongly about leaving and quitting, it obviously wasn't meant to be. If I was so burned out, and didn't even want to continue, it wasn't meant to be. I felt content for like 4 or 5 months after I had left.

 

Now, I'm really not sure. It's like rosy glasses. At least I had something to do, at least I was getting paid a good amount. At least I could live out on my own. I keep thinking of this apartment I could've gotten in March. I keep wondering if I had gotten that, that wouldve pushed me to stay afloat. I think having my parents to run back to enabled me to just quit like that. There's been nothing in the corner and my employment gap is getting larger and larger. I turned into a huge loser and at some point, I don't think withdrawal is to blame. I don't know, maybe it was? It couldve made these emotions so much more intense but also clouded my judgement. 

2 hours ago, Kahran said:

I don't know @Chippy. I feel like the only way I'm gonna get past this loop is if I find a replacement job that is similar enough to that one.

Think that’s the loop speaking again. You’ll find a job. But that job shouldn’t define you. I think working on your mindset is important. Getting a job won’t fix that. Feels like it will now as that’s what you are looping on. But there will be other things to loop over too. Wd or not wd, working on our mindset is important. I think if we did this before antidepressants we might not have taken them in the first place. If there is a silver lining to wd, it’s that we end up learning new skills and habits that we can take into life after wd! 😀 

Also Kahran I want you to start practicing meditation.

I want you to either lay on the floor on yoga matress or sit with crossed legs and meditate for 5 minutes.

to meditate easily, you just focus on getting air in for 5 seconds, and then air out for 5 seconds.

the first 2-3 minutes of the meditation are the hardest, but once you start getting into a state of awareness (we usually enter this state when falling asleep, but we don't stay in it due to falling asleep, and here you are in this state while being awake)

 

I actually got back to meditating again today, I meditated twice, one time for 5 minutes and second time for 7 minutes.

I do try meditation when sunbathing. Right now I'm having a serious akathesic attack. It calmed down a little bit but man, it seriously feels like I'm going to die. 

4 minutes ago, Kahran said:

I do try meditation when sunbathing. Right now I'm having a serious akathesic attack. It calmed down a little bit but man, it seriously feels like I'm going to die. 

We're right here with you; we won't let you go anywhere!

29 minutes ago, Kahran said:

I do try meditation when sunbathing. Right now I'm having a serious akathesic attack. It calmed down a little bit but man, it seriously feels like I'm going to die. 

some people can react to sunbathing, i had a few times reactions to the sun like that which was more than just fatigue, how long was the sunbath and how much of your skin was exposed ?