15 hours ago, Kahran said:

I don't know if I even having withdrawal effects now but the first 6 months were so catastrophic to my life.

 

I'm fairly convinced that you are. At least than 1.5 years since a CT this can be considered "normal".

 

There is precedent for further improving in time, although the Zolpidem does potentially complicate this, that too can be recovered from.

 

As @Chippy said, please add it to your signature. It's difficult to provide support without a clear picture of the drug situation.

Okay, with the zolpidem, should I hold off on tapering that for right now? I did wake up extremely angry at my situation and can't help but feel a sense of calm when I take it. 

10 hours ago, Kahran said:

Okay, with the zolpidem, should I hold off on tapering that for right now? I did wake up extremely angry at my situation and can't help but feel a sense of calm when I take it. 

It’s totally your call. Generally you’d want to be somewhat stable before tapering. Symptoms 1-3/10. 
 

I assume you take your dose before bed being a z drug? Sounds like you took it on waking?

 

How long gave you been on it?

It was before bed, yes. Lately, I've been unable to cope with current situations so I took it sometimes before or even midnight like right now. Just want to fall back asleep and stop thinking about this.

 

I've been taking it since 2018 i'd say.

2 minutes ago, Kahran said:

It was before bed, yes. Lately, I've been unable to cope with current situations so I took it sometimes before or even midnight like right now. Just want to fall back asleep and stop thinking about this.

 

I've been taking it since 2018 i'd say.

Ok. You should take it at the same time each day. Taking it at different times can be destabilising. 
 

Definitely gonna want to taper it off then!

I'm really not sure how much more I can take of this. That 5mg dose of Lexapro is looking good right now. My life has completely fallen apart since going cold turkey with stupid decision after stupid decision. All very risky decisions that did not pan out. I'm starting to think I'm supposed to be on the meds. My mother cant stand to look at me in this state anymore. I can't be the uncle, son, person I want to be anymore. 

 

I know you are all saying "it takes time" but I don't think I have time anymore. Holy shit I wish I just retook it back in January 2025. 

Okay in an attempt to calm the absolute panic attack that was happening above, I grabbed a 5mg Zolpidem and swallowed it. It seemed to calm me and my worries went away. I was even thinking up ways to get myself out of this mess.

 

I never really considered Zolpidem a big part of this. So I guess that will be a hurdle to take. I will stabilize on 10mg for now in hopes panic attacks like that are prevented.

 

I truly want to recover. If I'm unemployed, there must be ways I can really recover my diet and exercise routine. Are there recommendations on exercise routines other than lifting and walking?

I’m sorry you are having a hard time. It really is a time game. 
 

You should take your dose the same each day and not jump things around/add extra pills. Using the meds to try to reduce your symptoms isn’t the way to go. You’ll only get yourself in a worse situation. 

Just to make sure, no amount of Lexapro will cure brain fog at this point correct? I really think the brain fog is what completely killed my interest in my last job. I was just unable to process any information which made me very upset, even when given free time to work on backlogs.

 

The reinstatement would've been the cure right? Did I seriously just fuck my brain my up permanently by doing this? 

7 minutes ago, Kahran said:

Just to make sure, no amount of Lexapro will cure brain fog at this point correct?

yeah at this point it's too risky to reinstate, and will probably not solve it.

it's better to not dwelve in the past as it has happened already, better to move forward, you won't get anything by thinking about your past mistakes that you can't change anyways.

you don't have permanent damage and you will heal ❤️

Edited March 28Mar 28 by Lighty

13 minutes ago, Lighty said:

it's better to not dwelve in the past as it has happened already, better to move forward, you won't get anything by thinking about your past mistakes that you can't change anyways.

I know this. Everyone tells me this but these mistakes have severely altered my life prospects. 

 

Had I reinstated and tapered, maybe I could've tolerated that job to get a promotion to something not so shitty. Or at the very least still have a decent income. That promotion will be impossible to get now at another company. That promotion was also a long-term career goal anyways. 

 

How am I supposed to accept this? Everything was ultimately fine as it was. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was. It was only the withdrawal making it feel that way.

 

I feel like I'm constantly reliving that scene from Interstellar. The one where the main character is watching a past event before he left on this mission, banging against the wall in vain to not leave. I'm screaming at my past self to just take that 2.5mg dose. Please just reinstate!! You already told your psych you couldn't function at work or home!! ... it's a bit dramatic but man. 

5 minutes ago, Kahran said:

 

I feel like I'm constantly reliving that scene from Interstellar. The one where the main character is watching a past event before he left on this mission, banging against the wall in vain to not leave. I'm screaming at my past self to just take that 2.5mg dose. Please just reinstate!! You already told your psych you couldn't function at work or home!! ... it's a bit dramatic but man. 

Trust me, we all know that feeling, I just had enough after a year of that.

5 minutes ago, Kahran said:

How am I supposed to accept this?

that's where practicing acceptance comes in place.

The more you resist reality, the harsher it will be for you.

 

personally I think job titles and all these superficial stuff are meaningless cause at the end they are over anyways and then mean nothing.

This whole experience made me extremely humble to what I personally want in life, just be able to be home, relax, have my hobby, and have laughs, that's it.

Edited March 28Mar 28 by Lighty

6 minutes ago, Kahran said:

I know this. Everyone tells me this but these mistakes have severely altered my life prospects. 

 

Had I reinstated and tapered, maybe I could've tolerated that job to get a promotion to something not so shitty. Or at the very least still have a decent income. That promotion will be impossible to get now at another company. That promotion was also a long-term career goal anyways. 

 

How am I supposed to accept this? Everything was ultimately fine as it was. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was. It was only the withdrawal making it feel that way.

 

I feel like I'm constantly reliving that scene from Interstellar. The one where the main character is watching a past event before he left on this mission, banging against the wall in vain to not leave. I'm screaming at my past self to just take that 2.5mg dose. Please just reinstate!! You already told your psych you couldn't function at work or home!! ... it's a bit dramatic but man. 

@Kahran  This thinking is your anxious mind trying to keep an iron grip on your thinking.  My therapist said its a form of reverse narcissism. Your anxious mind wants you to think nobody has ever made mistakes as bad as yours, and nobody will have a harder time letting go of the past than you.  That's what keeps you in a loop of self-judgement and living in the past.  All it achieves is locking you in place in a spot you don't want to be in.  The past is gone--it no longer matters.  The future hasn't arrived yet.  What counts is the present--the here and now. You can choose how to live in this moment, and you're free to let go of the past.  

I still get anxious feelings and thoughts, but one thing I do every morning is yoga/energy stretching for about 10 minutes.  Before I start, I tell myself I am allowed to have no negative thoughts. no judgement, and no worries about the future for those 10 minutes. It really helps to keep things in perspective. 

11 minutes ago, Lighty said:

personally I think job titles and all these superficial stuff are meaningless cause at the end they are over anyways and then mean nothing.

This whole experience made me extremely humble to what I personally want in life, just be able to be home, relax, have my hobby, and have laughs, that's it.

I believe that too, but you need money unfortunately. I need something to do during the day. Even while on the anti-depressants, I'd slack off at work here and there but at least get the bare minimum done. At least there'd be a paycheck to afford some finer things.

 

Lately, I've just been unable to want to do literally anything. No games excite me, no hobbies, I'm just incredibly bored and filled with no meaning. I tried to get out today to a HAM radio club and found I was unable to get into calling radio stations, something I found once found pretty interesting. 

 

4 minutes ago, mstimc60 said:

My therapist said its a form of reverse narcissism.

 

I've always wondered if I had some form of narcissism in me. I felt like the Lexapro kept this at bay at times. It feels like the moment in the past that messed me up forever always changes too. These god damn thoughts do lock me up 80% of the day. 

The biggest issue I've been having since ever is just being disengaged from everything I try to do. I know the best way to get through something is to keep your mind occupied but my mind just finds everything completely boring. I don't remember having this issue in the past before even while taking the Lexapro. 

 

I try to watch shows and my mind just shuts off. I try to play games and my mind just shuts off. Really, I try to do anything and it's impossible to keep any interest in it. Is this what they call anhedonia?

4 minutes ago, Kahran said:

Is this what they call anhedonia

anhedonia is when nothing feels rewarding/interesting, I don't know exactly what you mean by 'turning off'.

 

Even if stuff doesn't interest you, it's better to keep something in the background, accept it and just ride the wave and feeling (surrendering to it) and let the time pass, as it won't stay like that forever.

24 minutes ago, Lighty said:

Even if stuff doesn't interest you, it's better to keep something in the background, accept it and just ride the wave and feeling (surrendering to it) and let the time pass, as it won't stay like that forever.

The lack of pleasure/reward is what I feel for sure.

 

So, try to stick with things even if they aren't interesting and you want to turn them off? I know the phrase "fake it till you make it." Lately it just feels like the make it part never comes. 

1 minute ago, Kahran said:

So, try to stick with things even if they aren't interesting and you want to turn them off?

I mean they don't have to be interesting, just something that occupies you so the time goes faster, like doing a diamond painting for instance, which is occupying, doesn't cost much if you order stuff from china and looks beautiful at the end !

I can give more ideas if you need them.

15 minutes ago, Lighty said:

I can give more ideas if you need them.

If you could, that would be helpful. Right now it just feels like I'm staring at the ceiling waiting for time to pass. Or just staring at my phone. To be honest, these were issues I was having even when employed.

33 minutes ago, Kahran said:

If you could, that would be helpful. Right now it just feels like I'm staring at the ceiling waiting for time to pass. Or just staring at my phone. To be honest, these were issues I was having even when employed.

diamond painting I said already

walking

qi gong is really cool it's a nice more gentle sport you can do, won't damage you https://youtu.be/pj4qo2KL9f4?si=ZMw-DRuoxdfXxXPB

video games

drawing

watching live sports (i watch snooker for instance)

watching comedies

movies

listening to music

hanging out with people irl or online

 

19 hours ago, Kahran said:

've always wondered if I had some form of narcissism in me. I felt like the Lexapro kept this at bay at times. It feels like the moment in the past that messed me up forever always changes too. These god damn thoughts do lock me up 80% of the day. 

No, you're not narcissistic.  You have to separate your anxious mind from reality.  Your anxious mind telling you you're narcissist is just another method it uses to make you judge yourself and keep you locked in a cycle of guilt.  Its not about being selfish, self-centered or weak.  It about recognizing these false thoughts for what they are and dismissing them.  Being in WD doesn't make you a bad person; it means you are in a long and uneven healing process.  A first step is to practice self-forgiveness and committing to love past the negative thinking.

 

And I agree with Lighty.  Remember the old cliche "fake it till you make it".  When I was in recovery, I can't tell you how many times I dreaded going out or doing something, only to find it was restorative when I did.  My first real window came when I was at a jazz concert for my son's junior high school band. If I hadn't gone, I would not have had a chance to get lost watching the joy on our son's face while he was playing, and for just a short time, letting go of my inward-facing thoughts.  Give yourself a chance and you'll find you may be stronger than you think you are. 

I hate to say but the Ambien at night is the only time I feel positive and hopeful. A Window if you would.

 

I think a good short-term/kong-term goal to have would be to have a day without any regrets about the past. I've been having what ChatGPT calls "regret loops" and that I need to acknowledge and stop them. Ill try to set my days with activities you mentioned above to get through the day. I think I have some perler beads around.

 

Yes, I'm down bad enough to talk to chat GPT a out this. My mother and father could use a break. I also dont want to screaming in my car alone. I need to forgive my past, he did the best he could in the situations he was in.

6 hours ago, Kahran said:

I think a good short-term/kong-term goal to have would be to have a day without any regrets about the past. I've been having what ChatGPT calls "regret loops" and that I need to acknowledge and stop them. Ill try to set my days with activities you mentioned above to get through the day. I think I have some perler beads around.

That's why I keep telling to focus on the peaceful now.

If you focus on the past, you can be depressed, feel shame and regret, and if you overtly focus on the future, you will get anxious.

Only the now exists, that's what we should focus on.

Guys, I might be on the verge of giving up. My family is super concerned about me and threatening hospitalization. I cannot seem to leave the house or go anywhere without being completely detatched. I spend solo car rides SCREAMING. Any sane person would want to see me hospitalized.

 

I'm looking back honestly at the 2 years I was under Lexapro and it was so much better than this. I was completely capable of doing hard tasks and being a leader. I could engage and enjoy things. Now, I'm completely reduced to an anxious mess just lying in bed.

 

I'm seriously not sure what to do anymore.