1 hour ago, Fullhealing said:

I wonder if your family is well aware of the process you're going through, support from your relatives is very important so if not yet maybe it's worth sharing content from SA and here in the hope that it will give deeper understanding of what you're dealing with and relieve you of the pressure that is certainly adding fuel.

Unfortunately, my mother is on Prozac herself (and countless other meds). She thinks it was the only way to cure depression and has been taking it since her brother died back in the 80s. I have had countless talks about this with her but because everything is anecdotal, she doesn't believe it. My family is taking a lot of meds and I really don't want to live like that. Theres like 10 things she takes in morning that I can see, all meds no supplements. 

 

I can't say I blame her. I've been a mess ruminating over this job loss for the past 8 weeks now. That combined with other factors of life that hasn't been going well. But, I won't get into that. 

2 minutes ago, Kahran said:

Unfortunately, my mother is on Prozac herself (and countless other meds). She thinks it was the only way to cure depression and has been taking it since her brother died back in the 80s. I have had countless talks about this with her but because everything is anecdotal, she doesn't believe it. My family is taking a lot of meds and I really don't want to live like that. Theres like 10 things she takes in morning that I can see, all meds no supplements. 

 

I can't say I blame her. I've been a mess ruminating over this job loss for the past 8 weeks now. That combined with other factors of life that hasn't been going well. But, I won't get into that. 

You have to make choices for yourself. If they don’t understand that is their choice. In the uk we have made actual guideline changes based on the ‘anecdotal’ evidence. Ask her where the scientific evidence is? It doesn’t exist. There is no illness to cure. At best these drugs mask our emotions. Those are the facts. Tolerance wears those effects off. She will likely be suffering some adverse effects from that many drugs. These are often mistaken as an illness that needs to be treated. As are wd symptoms from stopping too quickly. It’s quite the racket. But if she chooses to believe a lie, that’s not your fault. You make your own choices. 

13 minutes ago, Kahran said:

Unfortunately, my mother is on Prozac herself (and countless other meds). She thinks it was the only way to cure depression and has been taking it since her brother died back in the 80s. I have had countless talks about this with her but because everything is anecdotal, she doesn't believe it. My family is taking a lot of meds and I really don't want to live like that. Theres like 10 things she takes in morning that I can see, all meds no supplements. 

 

I can't say I blame her. I've been a mess ruminating over this job loss for the past 8 weeks now. That combined with other factors of life that hasn't been going well. But, I won't get into that. 

I see and I'm sorry, it's obviously more complicated without family support but it's possible, I don't have either, and yet I'm more determined than ever, in the end it's your call and it shouldn't be influenced by others, life pressures certainly add a lot of fuel but we have the ability to learn to cope without chemicals and nasty side effects, besides, your system hasn't fully stabilized yet, which makes everything even harder.

In any case, whatever you decide, we're with you.

Hey, how you been ?

Just checking in on you, what have you decided to do with the SSRI in the end ?

8 hours ago, Lighty said:

Hey, how you been ?

Just checking in on you, what have you decided to do with the SSRI in the end ?

 

Well, I stopped taking it and noticed the side effects have gone away. There were times in the last two days I felt like I had windows though. I wonder if the Lexapro was having some sort of an effect? An instance where I did sort of feel like my "old" self again? The reality is I don't even know what my old self is anymore. Is it the content, figure it out guy or the constant doomer? I don't like the constant doomer guy at all, he gets in the way.

 

All I know is right now I just have constant anhedonia. I can't seem to be engaged in any hobbies or anything. I tried going to a convention this last weekend with friends only to be my usual distant self. The only times I seem to be able to do so are when I've taken the Ambien at night and stay up past bed time. It makes me wonder if I've been having withdrawals from that as well during the day. It's a pretty terrible feeling. 

 

I'd argue that at least with work, I'd HAVE to wake up and log in at a certain time but near the end, I barely did anything but stare at the screen. I could not summon the will to care, and it's also a harrowing feeling knowing that when I do care about something, it will dissipate within weeks or months if lucky. It's just awful having to feel like I have to fake everything, I really don't believe this is how people are living. This cold turkey really fucked everything in my brain, huh?

 

Apologies for the incoherent ramble here. I guess I'm just in a desperate situation here. I really do not want this to be the rest of my life, not enjoying literally ANYTHING. If there was just some way to escape these feelings or just take solace in anything, it wouldn't be so bad. At 34, I feel like time is ticking rapidly and I missed the boat on a lot of significant life events. Would a wife and a kid stave these negative feelings away? Have some good personal connections? I just feel so lonely, but I've pushed away anyone I've ever been romantic with. I think I'm doing that with a lot of my friends, I withdraw willingly not to drag them down. 

 

In short, I stopped the 2.5mg cause of the side effects. Side effects went away, but did also notice SOME windows possibly? Still not sure. Might be worth trying a lower dose like you guys recommended, but would those side effects still be there even at that low dose?

1 minute ago, Kahran said:

Apologies for the incoherent ramble here. I guess I'm just in a desperate situation here. I really do not want this to be the rest of my life, not enjoying literally ANYTHING

That's fine, it's your thread, you can choose to share your experience.

2 minutes ago, Kahran said:

In short, I stopped the 2.5mg cause of the side effects. Side effects went away, but did also notice SOME windows possibly? Still not sure. Might be worth trying a lower dose like you guys recommended, but would those side effects still be there even at that low dose?

Side effects tend to be less likely the lower the dose, I can't guarantee anything obviously, I wonder if the windows were because the dose was lower after 2-3 days of not taking the drug (drug stays in the system for a bit, it does reduce over time), and that dose was better for you, but could also be just a window cause of the starting and stopping the drug and it can cause all sorts of things.

14 hours ago, Kahran said:

Well, I stopped taking it and noticed the side effects have gone away.

Good.

 

14 hours ago, Kahran said:

There were times in the last two days I felt like I had windows though. I wonder if the Lexapro was having some sort of an effect? An instance where I did sort of feel like my "old" self again?

Its hard to say, obivoulsy you were only back on the drug breifly, your whole nervous system is a bit like a snow globe at this point, just after having been shaken. Hard to draw any strong thoughts about this in connection to your short RI attempt.

 

14 hours ago, Kahran said:

All I know is right now I just have constant anhedonia. I can't seem to be engaged in any hobbies or anything. I tried going to a convention this last weekend with friends only to be my usual distant self. The only times I seem to be able to do so are when I've taken the Ambien at night and stay up past bed time. It makes me wonder if I've been having withdrawals from that as well during the day. It's a pretty terrible feeling. 

So sorry, this must be awful for you.

 

It is totally possible, it has a very short half life. Being on it long term isn't great. You could try dosing it more regularly (spitting the current dose into 2 or more bits and taking them at different times in the day) but being a Z Drug, its main aim is to help you with sleep, however Im not so sure who effective it is at this now? You will have gained alot of tolerance to it at this point.

 

14 hours ago, Kahran said:

I'd argue that at least with work, I'd HAVE to wake up and log in at a certain time but near the end, I barely did anything but stare at the screen. I could not summon the will to care, and it's also a harrowing feeling knowing that when I do care about something, it will dissipate within weeks or months if lucky. It's just awful having to feel like I have to fake everything, I really don't believe this is how people are living. This cold turkey really fucked everything in my brain, huh?

Yeah I get that. Trick now is to find some further distractions outside of work to help pass the time. I know it is hard when you feel numb like you do. But if you can force yourself to take part in those activities it can help a lot.

 

14 hours ago, Kahran said:

Apologies for the incoherent ramble here. I guess I'm just in a desperate situation here. I really do not want this to be the rest of my life, not enjoying literally ANYTHING. If there was just some way to escape these feelings or just take solace in anything, it wouldn't be so bad. At 34, I feel like time is ticking rapidly and I missed the boat on a lot of significant life events. Would a wife and a kid stave these negative feelings away? Have some good personal connections? I just feel so lonely, but I've pushed away anyone I've ever been romantic with. I think I'm doing that with a lot of my friends, I withdraw willingly not to drag them down. 

Dont appolgise at all! We are all here for each other. It is hard. We all feel this loss of time deeply, you are not alone in this. It is so important to try to not make everything worse by leaning into these thoughts. I know that is hard, but something to work on. Just being present in the day, and giving up control. Letting is all go. There is a peace in that, hard to do, but not beyond you.

 

14 hours ago, Kahran said:

n short, I stopped the 2.5mg cause of the side effects. Side effects went away, but did also notice SOME windows possibly? Still not sure. Might be worth trying a lower dose like you guys recommended, but would those side effects still be there even at that low dose?

It is completely up to you. It isn't a good idea to keep jumping you doses around. Honestly. It is playing with fire. You don't want to make yourself worse trying to make yourself better, if that makes sense. It sounds like to me, that if 2.5mg gave you those adverse effects, then this drug really is messing with you, and you are better off not on it. Just my thoughts. It could be at 0.5mg might be a lot less of a problem, we can't know. We support you in what you choose to do. But really, like many of us, I think you just need lots of time, and to start to build up that toolbox of coping skills.

 

Thinking of you

 

Chippy

I'm pretty negative today (big shocker).

 

Why is it that when we get depressed, we just actively make our lives worse and worse? I really thought quitting my job about a year ago was the best move but the reality is that it was the biggest mistake I've ever made. Burnout, withdrawal, whatever be damned. I needed to keep that job like everyone else needed to keep their job. Now I have nothing, I chose this life of emptiness. If I kept going, maybe I could've bounced back like I have done in the past. Or at least be content in misery while collecting a paycheck and having a routine.

 

Thank you guys for the support though. I just wish there was a non-destructive way to numb myself out. Wish I could just be a robot and do what I need to do to be happy. 

1 minute ago, Kahran said:

I'm pretty negative today (big shocker).

 

Why is it that when we get depressed, we just actively make our lives worse and worse? I really thought quitting my job about a year ago was the best move but the reality is that it was the biggest mistake I've ever made. Burnout, withdrawal, whatever be damned. I needed to keep that job like everyone else needed to keep their job. Now I have nothing, I chose this life of emptiness. If I kept going, maybe I could've bounced back like I have done in the past. Or at least be content in misery while collecting a paycheck and having a routine.

 

Thank you guys for the support though. I just wish there was a non-destructive way to numb myself out. Wish I could just be a robot and do what I need to do to be happy. 

We've all done things we would have done differently.  When you quit your job, you did so based on what you knew and felt at the time.  Until someone invents a time machine, the past is done.  A Greek philosopher once said "God Himself cannot change the past".  If God can't, neither can you.  Depression and anxiety love wallowing in guilt and self-recrimination to keep you in their power.  You can't change the past but you can set an intention for your future, and then work toward it.  Is beating yourself up getting you anywhere?  Is it helping you move forward in your recovery journey?  If not, leave it behind and concentrate on the things that will move you forward. 

@Kahran you are very strong! You have suffered so much! 
Around 20th of February I was feeling normal and ok and up and downs but nothing bad, just normal. On the 1st of march the withdrawal hit me like nothing I have ever felt before. And when i read you, I can feel you so much, because I was doing that to me too! You feel awful and desperate and your mind is just trying to grab whatever it can to feed the monster: in your case it seems to be rotating on what happened in the past! I just wish I could tattoo inside your mind that it really doesn't matter what happened last year, and what you could have done or not. What do you know in what place you would be? It sounds stupid and impossible because your mind will just grab on it again. And your mind will grab anything it can and all your fragilities and issues and thoughts and pains. Because your mind is a monster and whatever thought you have is just a thought, like a tooth ache. So your past is just a diarrhea! You are being so strong and it will all be better! With RI now a bit I feel SUCH a difference that I can even see how my mind was just "justifying" the bad feeling of withdrawal with anything it could!

bottomline: I am really sorry I have no idea drugwise how to help you, but I can GUARANTEE you that any thought you have is just bullshit your mind is trying to  grab on. It means nothing. Nothing at all. It really doesn't matter with your job or what you do or how you did. The only thing that matters is that it will all pass. For all of us! 
I send you ALL the strength!

8 hours ago, Kahran said:

I'm pretty negative today (big shocker).

 

Why is it that when we get depressed, we just actively make our lives worse and worse? I really thought quitting my job about a year ago was the best move but the reality is that it was the biggest mistake I've ever made. Burnout, withdrawal, whatever be damned. I needed to keep that job like everyone else needed to keep their job. Now I have nothing, I chose this life of emptiness. If I kept going, maybe I could've bounced back like I have done in the past. Or at least be content in misery while collecting a paycheck and having a routine.

 

Thank you guys for the support though. I just wish there was a non-destructive way to numb myself out. Wish I could just be a robot and do what I need to do to be happy. 

Some lovely words of advice from @nothingbutlia and @mstimc60

 

It really is time for you to break the loop you are in. I know it hard but this is what you need to do. Build those coping skills up we have all been talking about. There isn’t a quick way out of this. The quickest is to learn to accept your situation. Stop resisting it and time will sort the rest. You are stuck in a vicious cycle of doubt and regret. It’s time to focus on today and not on the past. You’ve got this!
 

https://antidepressantrecovery.org/topic/57-acceptance-is-key-why-does-acceptance-feel-impossible/page/3/

I'm having a bad morning. I go to bed around 10 or 11 and wake up around 3 or 4. Then, I just lay there thinking where things went wrong.

 

I really wish I never went off. Sometimes, I think the times I was depressed while on Lexapro were just the times I forgot to take it. It's fucking annoying that I needed a pill to keep stable but it still kept me stable, more stable than now. I can't even remember how stable I was with taking them everyday.

 

It's nearly impossible for me to accept things as they are now. My life has taken a complete 180 due to this. I just want to go back, I don't want to live like this anymore. Everything was fine when I was taking the meds, things were at least safe and stable. That was worth the side effects, wasn't it? 

 

God damnit, sometimes I wish I never found survivingantidepressants. Maybe, I could've just been a stupid ignorant retard numbed out by my meds. If I just took my psych's advice on Jan 22, 2025, all this pain now could've been avoided. Maybe I'd have the strength to stay at my job, find another apartment, etc. Instead I chose this stupid journey of going cold turkey cause I thought I could get through it. 

29 minutes ago, Kahran said:

It's nearly impossible for me to accept things as they are now. My life has taken a complete 180 due to this. I just want to go back, I don't want to live like this anymore.

nobody wants to be sick, but you have to accept, not accepting stuff creates resisting which makes everything more tough, all of us had a toll on our life, if accepting was so easy by default, we wouldn't talk much about it, I believe you also have to come to that conclusion partially by yourself, once you have enough of stuff like that, and you do your own mental work, you realize you shouldn't care too much, the more you care and resist in a way, the more you suffer.

If you don't care about things, they don't become an issue, but accepting also works.

34 minutes ago, Kahran said:

Maybe I'd have the strength to stay at my job, find another apartment, etc. Instead I chose this stupid journey of going cold turkey cause I thought I could get through it. 

I think you would have wanted to go off the drugs anyways, you have searched for this website and found it yourself, you knew staying on the drug wasn't the good thing for you, that's why you chose that path, you just don't see it at this current moment.

 

Remember this road is only a temporary off-track, after enough time you will be out of it and live your life again, just accept and believe in god (can be hard I know, but it makes it easier, our belief also has a big impact on our body and can be positive/negative)

@Lighty is right.  There was a reason you went on meds because something in your life wasn't right. And there was a reason you wanted to be off them, so you joined SA and now here.  Would you really want to go through life numbed?  Acceptance and self-forgiveness are the hardest lessons to learn from all this, but once you've learned, you will do much better.  Try to look ahead instead of at what was. 

3 minutes ago, mstimc60 said:

Would you really want to go through life numbed?

I'm starting to think numbed me was a better person than un-numbed me. I went on those meds because I couldn't handle work stress at my previous job and that stress eventually fractured a relationship. I couldn't keep doing that to people. Hell, even on the meds I still did that to people cause I was unable to communicate effectively, defaulting to withdrawal and silence. Anything I say thats not hunky doorey positive is met with bullshit.

 

Maybe I was already checked out since this meeting we had in September (still on the med). It was a topic how the department wanted to focus more on AI and hiring in India. The one thing I held on to, which was having that good human connection for supporting issues, completely evaporated. Why bother if the company doesn't care about good support? Maybe I was just feeding negative thoughts into my head. But, I do remember there was a huge mental shift that occured the Monday after. The week before, I was interested in what I was learning and grateful my manager gave me some support to allow me the time to do so. The week after? I'm pretty sure I took 2 or 3 days off cause I no longer felt any motivation or drive to come in. Nothing felt satisfying anymore, there was no hope left. It felt completely impossible to continue that I ended up taking FMLA leave. I still wonder if that was even a good idea to do.

 

I guess I would've decided to reinstate if it meant keeping the job but I was already looking for a way out since October. I do wonder if my thoughts wouldve changed on the situation had I reinstated though. Which is why I'm so regretful for not even trying. Sometimes I feel like I wasnt in my right mind, and those comments weren't that big a deal. Other coworkers didn't seem to worry about it.

 

I'm not even sure if this is about withdrawal anymore. I just miss those days when I could wake up, do something I was at least interested in, and moderately enjoy life. Now everyday just feels...pointless. It's felt that way for a long time, ever since I went cold turkey. Even during the leave, I took part into other things that made me want to get out of bed. But man, 3 or 4 days I stopped the meds, I just stayed in.

 

Please God, I just want to feel something. I want to enjoy and be passionate about SOMETHING. I seriously miss those days while I was on the Lexapro that I was passionately grinding games, projects, you name it. I'm not even sure if I was numbed at all...

I left my job and retired two years before I wanted to because our new big boss was an incompetent jerk who thought he knew everything, and damn near destroyed the organization.   That was at the end of 2018--more than six years ago. I still think about it sometimes but looking back it was the right thing to do. (He wound up getting canned a  little more than two years after I left).

 

Nothing and nobody can change the past. It sounds like you would have been miserable if you stayed at your job. Especially in the US, we tend to measure our worth as humans by the job we have.  When we lose that, we question everything.  Whatever talents you had when you were working, you still have--nothing can change that.  Right now, you are entirely inward-focused because you have nothing to occupy your mind or your energy.  You have all day to ruminate on negative thinking and beat yourself up.  If you want to feel something, then look for something that makes you feel passionate.  It doesn't have to be paid and it doesn't have to be fulltime.  I'm a mentor here because of what I went through and what I can offer people in WD and recovery.  Look for postive ways to use the energy you're wasting on negative thought loops. 

30 minutes ago, mstimc60 said:

I left my job and retired two years before I wanted to because our new big boss was an incompetent jerk who thought he knew everything, and damn near destroyed the organization.   That was at the end of 2018--more than six years ago. I still think about it sometimes but looking back it was the right thing to do. (He wound up getting canned a  little more than two years after I left).

You sound like someone I know. He spun it as a door closing but a new door opening. 

 

32 minutes ago, mstimc60 said:

It sounds like you would have been miserable if you stayed at your job.

I did spend sometime outside sunbathing while thinking about this. A lot of the reasons I ended up hating my job was due to management and workload. Our company just got sold to private equity and was not rehiring people. I had a big micromanager that wanted a lot out of me. My workload was noticeably more than everyone else's since I seemed to be more competent. But, the higher my Work In Progress bin got, the more stressed I got to the point of shutdown. There was even a point where my manager gave me two days without new assignments to work it, but I was so overwhelmed to a point I froze. I wish I spoke up and asked for prioritization, but everything felt insurmountable. 

 

The thing is, this discrepancy is something that could be documented and even seen in dashboards. I was taking way more cases than everyone else despite having the highest workload. I did bitch about this once in August, but things sort of petered back eventually. There was definitely a lot of favoritism and nepotism going on with that process. Just going to be real (if you work in tech, you know this), the indian's would assign the cases. Guess which people got the least amount of cases? Guess who got the most? Guess who got the hard ones? I wish I had pointed this out but this seemed like a losing battle despite a lot of evidence proving this.

 

Who even knows if this would've done anything for me to begin with. But the whole job just felt unfair to me. Getting pelted with 12 cases that are most likely going to take 30 minutes to an hour each to get to the next step, with 2 or 3 more coming each day, knowing it's never going to end. Supporting 6 different products as well, the context switching was insane so it wasn't even possible that previous knowledge would help me in the next cases. Hell, 2 years into the job and it felt like each case was just something completely different. 

 

It was insanely stressful. I'd count the hours to 5PM, then count the hours to 9AM. On Friday, I'd count the hours to Monday 9AM. When I opened up to my manager about this, she just put me on a PIP. Get your shit together in 30 days or get out. Sometimes I wonder if I could've tackled the PIP, it did seem do able and gave some "bare minimum" requirements. But, I don't know. That manager ended up getting laid off too. Ton's of people left to other jobs so I don't think I was alone in feeling how shitty the environment was. 

 

I will note something that even during this withdrawal period, I still debate if I really had brain fog. Definitely during work, but in other activities like games, I was coming up with some complex strategies and staying focused for hours. I was even learning some pretty complex tools for modding and designing.

 

Anyways, I'm really trying to figure out something to occupy my mind. Honestly, I may look up getting into the piano. Music is the one thing I can strictly focus on and if I could learn how to play and put my spin into it, that could be my way of expressing myself.

 

2 minutes ago, Kahran said:

Anyways, I'm really trying to figure out something to occupy my mind. Honestly, I may look up getting into the piano. Music is the one thing I can strictly focus on and if I could learn how to play and put my spin into it, that could be my way of expressing myself.

Go for it!  I love listening to music but I haven't got the least bit of talent.  But I fund it very relaxing and focusing.  When I'm working at my desk, I need to have music on to concentrate. 

That hour of sunbathing did some wonders for me today. I felt way more motivated and cognitively functioning. Hope you guys are getting your Vitamin D.

1 minute ago, Kahran said:

That hour of sunbathing did some wonders for me today. I felt way more motivated and cognitively functioning. Hope you guys are getting your Vitamin D.

Great decision!  Its going to rain here so sunbathing isn't an option but I'm about to go outside to do some weeding. 

1 minute ago, Kahran said:

That hour of sunbathing did some wonders for me today. I felt way more motivated and cognitively functioning. Hope you guys are getting your Vitamin D.

I highly agree with that as well, I put minimal clothing and go take sunlight everyday in my backyard when it isn't cloudy (some people can be sensitive to too much sun so gotta make sure how long can you handle)

 

Another night, another way for the brain to make me miserable.

 

I hated that last job, but it was putting me to a pathway to another job I would have liked. The only issue is the burnout got so severe that I completely forgot all other options and long term goals. Now, that company has like 4 different roles of that position open, mocking me. 

 

It seriously makes me want to shoot myself. It was a long term goal of mine and I sabotaged myself. If I reinstated, maybe I couldve put the reasonings together to stay. That was my only chance, a good chance and I fucked it up.

2 hours ago, Kahran said:

Another night, another way for the brain to make me miserable.

 

I hated that last job, but it was putting me to a pathway to another job I would have liked. The only issue is the burnout got so severe that I completely forgot all other options and long term goals. Now, that company has like 4 different roles of that position open, mocking me. 

 

It seriously makes me want to shoot myself. It was a long term goal of mine and I sabotaged myself. If I reinstated, maybe I couldve put the reasonings together to stay. That was my only chance, a good chance and I fucked it up.

there are more important things in life than a career path, work is just work, there will always be more work.

When people die, they never wish for them to have worked more, they wish they have enjoyed life more and been with their family more.

 

You have to work on not reinforcing your negative thoughts, everybody here has those, but reaffirming them just makes you feel bad, try to take it more objectively, you are sick and you are doing your best and what you can, that's it, no 'oh i ruined my life and career and bla bla bla', it doesn't progress you anywhere.

You just accept your negative thoughts, catch them, and stop actively thinking about them.

The work would have allowed me to live a better life and have a family. That job touts good work life balance and salary. Even my previous job did.

 

But no, I got "burned out" and made a bunch of decisions emotionally like a fucking retard. I ruined everything. 

4 minutes ago, Kahran said:

The work would have allowed me to live a better life and have a family. That job touts good work life balance and salary. Even my previous job did.

 

But no, I got "burned out" and made a bunch of decisions emotionally like a fucking retard. I ruined everything. 

the past doesn't exist and the future doesn't exist, you are just emotionally draining yourself on 'ideas' right now.

 

You can either accept reality, or complain for a long time until you get the point (1 year, 3 years ? how long it will take you)

 

You will be fine ❤️

Edited April 11Apr 11 by Lighty