Sorry to keep going back to this. I think the big thing I miss the most is my apartment. It was pretty good other than the kitchen which had these shitty induction stovetops that you couldn't cook anything. No ventilation either and the alarms would alert the whole whose with the landlords below. But it was a great location that you could walk around and see a bunch of restaurants and be next to a river and stuff.

The shitty thing is that even at my parents house with a proper stove, I barely cook anything. So, all that was pretty pointless. There's times where I'm just not sure what was withdrawal or what I could "blame" on withdrawal? Was I in so much pain that I wanted to go back to my parents? The job still sucked don't get me wrong, but it allowed me to live that life in that apartment. At this point, that's my main regret over the job. I wish it wasn't so intolerable to me at that time that I felt my only option was to just leave.

I hope I can get back there again. I really miss it.

4 hours ago, Kahran said:

Sorry to keep going back to this. I think the big thing I miss the most is my apartment. It was pretty good other than the kitchen which had these shitty induction stovetops that you couldn't cook anything. No ventilation either and the alarms would alert the whole whose with the landlords below. But it was a great location that you could walk around and see a bunch of restaurants and be next to a river and stuff.

The shitty thing is that even at my parents house with a proper stove, I barely cook anything. So, all that was pretty pointless. There's times where I'm just not sure what was withdrawal or what I could "blame" on withdrawal? Was I in so much pain that I wanted to go back to my parents? The job still sucked don't get me wrong, but it allowed me to live that life in that apartment. At this point, that's my main regret over the job. I wish it wasn't so intolerable to me at that time that I felt my only option was to just leave.

I hope I can get back there again. I really miss it.

I understand the that @Kahran but the past must remain in its proper place in order to build something further, it is your choice whether to hold on to its memory as an ability or a defeat.

This is a learning process for all of us which is difficult in general let alone during wd but there is no other way.

You'll earn it all back and much more if you aim there.

18 hours ago, Kahran said:

I think I took the news too hard or too literally cause it really didn't matter but I remember that being basically the catalyst to all of this. I was essentially bedbound for 5 days after. I feel so stupid for letting that affect everything. I'm pretty sure I was taking the Lexapro as I mentioned I couldn't cry at my friends funeral in which his death followed 4 days after.

None of these are "normal" reactions.

I think you need to stop beating yourself up and blaming yourself so that you can come to terms with the fact that these drugs badly harmed you and disrupted your life. The drugs caused you be that way.

You are drug free now, and if you take care of yourself and survive for more time it is very likely that you will recover, and go on to live a life not blighted by these drugs. In time, that is likely to be the best thing for you, it does not seem like you were "well" on the drugs. That doesn't make it okay now, but I don't think you've ruined your life at all, if anything, I think staying in the state you described would have led you to be very unhappy.

I'm reminded of this story:

NardilTime: recovery from polydrugging after 3 years - Success stories: Recovery from psychiatric drug withdrawal - Surviving Antidepressants

He was on these drugs for a long time, and they affected his life far more than he realised at the time, in hindsight:

"As my mind cleared, I was struck at how inebriated I had been even before I had noticeable adverse effects. I was walking through life like a zombie. A well-known psychiatrist calls this “medication spellbinding”. You just don’t know what is happening to you."

"I have never married or had children. I know in my heart that none of these things would have happened if I had never been prescribed these drugs."

"However, no matter how much my life has been destroyed, I have recovered."

He actually wrote that success story whilst still recovering (although doing well by that point). The last I heard from him, he had a partner he was planning to move in with and he's pretty much stopped being active in any/all of these spaces as far as I'm aware now.

That story makes me pretty sad. Very similar to mine. Sometimes I wonder if the drugs made me not want pursue dating too. I could never connect with women until after we broke up. Honestly, the last girl I grew to have genuine feelings for was when I was like 13, way before any Prozac.

I'm still in that mindset that I wish I was still being poisoned. I just feel like at least I could do things whilst feeling like shit.

I just dont know if I can blame the drugs for everything. At the end of the day, I made these decisions to stop performing at work. I couldve done the bare minimum. I could've reinstated and had a slower comedown. I was at least somewhat productive while on the Lexapro. Did the Lexapro prevent me from talking to my landlord about maybe adding a stove to the kitchen? Did the Lexapro prevent me from pushing back much more at work?

Now, I can't get myself to do literally anything or feel anything productive. I absolutely hate this.

I'm really supposed to blame the Lexapro for making me bedridden for 4 days after hearing some news at work? I'm supposed to blame it for completely burning out afterward? That meeting seriously felt like a switch cause I remember the week before, I was excited and hungry. Then, it just all crashed down.

What if it was just a rough patch I needed to get through? No one else on my team was so affected by that news.

I seriously feel like the withdrawal symptoms now are worse than they were back in the 2 to 4 month period. Things could've still be controlled then. I could've just stayed at my apartment, and that could've made me stay at my job to perform other than just giving up.

I genuinely feel like I gave up way more at work after I decided to move home and quit in June. If I never got that fucking idea or had that possibility, maybe I could've toughed it out or found a way to tough it out. I just needed to stay. The alternative I made for my life has been a mistake and a decrease. I can't blame this on a pill, man. I still made these decisions.

Do you guys really think I wouldn't have been so apathetic had I not taken this drug? I mean people were pointing out how much I was letting myself go even while on it. But I let myself go even more while experiencing withdrawal. If I reinstated and taperee maybe it wouldnt be so bad...

1 hour ago, Kahran said:

I seriously feel like the withdrawal symptoms now are worse than they were back in the 2 to 4 month period. Things could've still be controlled then. I could've just stayed at my apartment, and that could've made me stay at my job to perform other than just giving up.

I genuinely feel like I gave up way more at work after I decided to move home and quit in June. If I never got that fucking idea or had that possibility, maybe I could've toughed it out or found a way to tough it out. I just needed to stay. The alternative I made for my life has been a mistake and a decrease. I can't blame this on a pill, man. I still made these decisions.

Do you guys really think I wouldn't have been so apathetic had I not taken this drug? I mean people were pointing out how much I was letting myself go even while on it. But I let myself go even more while experiencing withdrawal. If I reinstated and taperee maybe it wouldnt be so bad...

These drugs work on every part of our system but especially on cognition and emotions so of course your decisions have and still effected @Kahran

The past is dead, do you best to get out of this loop, it will lead you to a big nowhere, continue surviving the moment and learn to contain the journey.

You have already come a long way and may turn a corner at any given moment so if I were you I would not renew the drug but move forward knowing that it is temporary and work hard on acceptance and distraction, things that will serve you very well in the future regardless.

Edited April 18Apr 18 by Fullhealing

Okay well, I had an okay day out with friends. On the way home I listened to this in the car.

Mikaela talks about her withdrawal symptoms from Lexapro and how it lasted two and a half years. She essentially cold turkeyed after a two week taper. It is heartbreaking to hear and it really makes me regret cold turkeying too and not reinstating, but I repeat myself.

She did mention the keto diet and mitochondrial health and stuff like that. If I hadn't tried it back in 2017, I'd say its kooky but I might have to really give it a shot here.

I'm going to try to stop blaming myself for the job. The stress of the work plus the symptoms of withdrawal made for an insanely unbearable situation. It really was the cold turkey that did me in. I also think this current wave was triggered by the stress of needing to find another job.

GOD, I wish I just took ONE fucking 10mg pill to get myself together. I read up on all the crazy 10% tapering shit but felt it was too complicated to go through. Maybe my cognitive ability wouldve came back just enough to ask my psych for a liquid or something. Am I supposed to blame my inaction on the anti-depressant too? Genuinely, this regret makes me want to kill myself. It feels like such a catastrophic mistake that I may as well have just died. What's worse is that I had all the information at the time and did nothing with it.

Edited April 19Apr 19 by Kahran

3 hours ago, Kahran said:

GOD, I wish I just took ONE fucking 10mg pill to get myself together. I read up on all the crazy 10% tapering shit but felt it was too complicated to go through. Maybe my cognitive ability wouldve came back just enough to ask my psych for a liquid or something. Am I supposed to blame my inaction on the anti-depressant too? Genuinely, this regret makes me want to kill myself. It feels like such a catastrophic mistake that I may as well have just died. What's worse is that I had all the information at the time and did nothing with it.

you don't want to go back on the drug, you already tried that.

You will be fine it's all temporary.

5 hours ago, Kahran said:

Okay well, I had an okay day out with friends. On the way home I listened to this in the car.

Mikaela talks about her withdrawal symptoms from Lexapro and how it lasted two and a half years. She essentially cold turkeyed after a two week taper. It is heartbreaking to hear and it really makes me regret cold turkeying too and not reinstating, but I repeat myself.

She did mention the keto diet and mitochondrial health and stuff like that. If I hadn't tried it back in 2017, I'd say its kooky but I might have to really give it a shot here.

I'm going to try to stop blaming myself for the job. The stress of the work plus the symptoms of withdrawal made for an insanely unbearable situation. It really was the cold turkey that did me in. I also think this current wave was triggered by the stress of needing to find another job.

GOD, I wish I just took ONE fucking 10mg pill to get myself together. I read up on all the crazy 10% tapering shit but felt it was too complicated to go through. Maybe my cognitive ability wouldve came back just enough to ask my psych for a liquid or something. Am I supposed to blame my inaction on the anti-depressant too? Genuinely, this regret makes me want to kill myself. It feels like such a catastrophic mistake that I may as well have just died. What's worse is that I had all the information at the time and did nothing with it.

Yes, everything was affected by the chemicals @Kahran and you are still in this haze.

Going back on the drug is going back to the cause of your suffering, absolutely no logic here.

Keep pushing forward and forget about the past, it is dead.

Thank you for sharing this video, look at the positive, if she succeeded you will succeed too just believe in it, strong belief will create an amazing reality for you or destroy it, it is in your hands.

6 hours ago, Kahran said:

Okay well, I had an okay day out with friends.

That's pretty good at this point in time.

6 hours ago, Kahran said:

Okay well, I had an okay day out with friends.

This is so positive to read! :)

6 hours ago, Kahran said:

She did mention the keto diet and mitochondrial health and stuff like that. If I hadn't tried it back in 2017, I'd say its kooky but I might have to really give it a shot here.

Many do swear by Keto. I would advise getting some help with it though. It can be quite complex. https://antidepressantrecovery.org/topic/164-keto-psychiatric-meds-real-recovery-metabolic-psychiatry-with-nicole-laurent/?do=getNewComment

7 hours ago, Kahran said:

'm going to try to stop blaming myself for the job. The stress of the work plus the symptoms of withdrawal made for an insanely unbearable situation. It really was the cold turkey that did me in. I also think this current wave was triggered by the stress of needing to find another job.

Good to hear.

No more need to regret from this point. There is just today, and the choices you make now. Life will not always be this way.

Glad to see some positive shifts happenging for you Kahran.

Chippy

Thank you guys. The weight is still a lot to bear.

I still keep thinking if I had just tapered or ireinstated when I thought I should've, I'd have been much better off. The damage to my life and emotions is still catastrophic. I can barely emote or feel any sort or joy anymore. I can't even get lost in video games which were a vice for me.

Please God. Let me go back to December or September. Make sure I was still taking it and had a plan to taper. Would the taper have prevented such catastrophic effects like this?

@Kahran you are working on a false premise here with your thoughts. You are assuming that you could have done something to prevent your current situation. The fact is, these drugs are dangerous. You cannot control a poison once in your system. The minute we all, in good faith, took our first pill we were doomed. Not because we made the wrong decision. Not because there was something wrong with us. The complete opposite, we trusted and we hoped and were sold snake oil. Our decisions are not the problem here, the drugs are. I read about a hugh functioning engineer who had an immediate reaction to his furst COVID vaccine. He had a rare blood clotting reaction and ended up in ICU with his organs shutting down. He survived but has never been able to work again and needs full time care. I ask you a question "Did he make the wrong choice?". No, he was sold a product, that millions had no problem with and took it on good faith. Similar has happened to you, and you suffered losses as a result. You can recover, he can't. Your brain was not your own from the minute you started the medication. Anything after that was not you, and those decisions cannot be laid at your door. Put blame where it belongs, in big Pharma, and direct your anger there if you must rather than beating yourself up.

59 minutes ago, Sminismoni said:

@Kahran you are working on a false premise here with your thoughts. You are assuming that you could have done something to prevent your current situation. The fact is, these drugs are dangerous. You cannot control a poison once in your system. The minute we all, in good faith, took our first pill we were doomed. Not because we made the wrong decision. Not because there was something wrong with us. The complete opposite, we trusted and we hoped and were sold snake oil. Our decisions are not the problem here, the drugs are. I read about a hugh functioning engineer who had an immediate reaction to his furst COVID vaccine. He had a rare blood clotting reaction and ended up in ICU with his organs shutting down. He survived but has never been able to work again and needs full time care. I ask you a question "Did he make the wrong choice?". No, he was sold a product, that millions had no problem with and took it on good faith. Similar has happened to you, and you suffered losses as a result. You can recover, he can't. Your brain was not your own from the minute you started the medication. Anything after that was not you, and those decisions cannot be laid at your door. Put blame where it belongs, in big Pharma, and direct your anger there if you must rather than beating yourself up.

I know its big pharma to blame. But they made the rules which were to get back on and taper slowly. I rebelled, went cold turkey, and lost everything. Are you saying even if I tried tapering, things would still be the same? I shouldve tapered because these 17 months or whatever now have passed anyways and maybe Id still have an apartment and job. Maybe Id still interest in things.

Edited April 19Apr 19 by Kahran

25 minutes ago, Kahran said:

But they made the rules which were to get back on and taper slowly

LOL no they didn't!! Most antidepressants were originally marketted as on-off medications. I recall in 2009 when I was in my second year of training for psychiatry my consultant advised me to tell patients to decrease their SSRI dose by 25% every 4 days then stop. It has only been through the suffering and advocacy of patients who were harmed by this that guidelines and awareness are emerging. And that still isn't being propagated by the pharmaceutical companies, it's coming from research and public health entities. Deprescribing is growing in countries with strong public health systems such as UK and Australia. It is still resisted in the privately run health system in the USA. Reinstatement does not work for everyone, you have zero evidence that you would have been better off had you taken that course. There's another false premise there.

30 minutes ago, Sminismoni said:

LOL no they didn't!! Most antidepressants were originally marketted as on-off medications. I recall in 2009 when I was in my second year of training for psychiatry my consultant advised me to tell patients to decrease their SSRI dose by 25% every 4 days then stop. It has only been through the suffering and advocacy of patients who were harmed by this that guidelines and awareness are emerging. And that still isn't being propagated by the pharmaceutical companies, it's coming from research and public health entities. Deprescribing is growing in countries with strong public health systems such as UK and Australia. It is still resisted in the privately run health system in the USA. Reinstatement does not work for everyone, you have zero evidence that you would have been better off had you taken that course. There's another false premise there.

The hyperbolic tapering is what I discovered back in surviving antidepressants. They said reinstatements best work within a 3 month window. I was in that window. I wish I just tried it. My life seriously just collapsed out of nowhere one day where it's a gargantuan struggle just to get dressed to see friends?

19 minutes ago, Kahran said:

The hyperbolic tapering is what I discovered back in surviving antidepressants. They said reinstatements best work within a 3 month window. I was in that window. I wish I just tried it. My life seriously just collapsed out of nowhere one day where it's a gargantuan struggle just to get dressed to see friends?

We all experience the same as you @Kahran even if the reduction was done according to the correct protocol, this is the powerful damage of those chemicals, no matter how you approach it, there is no guarantee for anything to work again either.

It takes a long time for the system to recover but it will happen eventually, in the meantime, ease the process by learning how to ignore those loops of yours, it will eat you alive if you continue like this, we do not want that!!

You must help yourself in this process.

Edited April 19Apr 19 by Fullhealing

23 minutes ago, Kahran said:

My life seriously just collapsed out of nowhere one day where it's a gargantuan struggle just to get dressed to see friends?

Most of us here are in the same boat. It's 2:30pm on Sunday here and my six dearest girlfriends are gathering for a movie afternoon at someone's house. I am not there. Many are suffering in the same way, and it has almost nothing to do with the decisions we have or haven't made.

There had to have been a way to get off this easier than I chose. I can't accept that I chose to go cold turkey. A hyperbolic taper like this that wouldve taken 9 months? Was I really on borrowed time with this med? It couldn't have been that simple right?

6 minutes ago, Kahran said:

There had to have been a way to get off this easier than I chose. I can't accept that I chose to go cold turkey. A hyperbolic taper like this that wouldve taken 9 months? Was I really on borrowed time with this med? It couldn't have been that simple right?

the past doesn't matter anymore, you keep dwelving into something you cannot change, you cannot change the past, but you can change the NOW.

focus on changing the NOW, please try to focus on other things, acceptance, meditation, distractions.

don't worry about something you can't change, worry about what you can change.

1 hour ago, Lighty said:

the past doesn't matter anymore, you keep dwelving into something you cannot change, you cannot change the past, but you can change the NOW.

focus on changing the NOW, please try to focus on other things, acceptance, meditation, distractions.

don't worry about something you can't change, worry about what you can change.

It just feels impossible to do so. Even being out with friends, I'm just an non-functional zombie. We went to a technology flea market today and I couldn't feel anything despite all the cool shit around me. The last time I went I was still on my med, and it was cool that time.

Tomorrow, I'm supposed to volunteer at a local marathon but I have absolutely no idea how I will begin to function like that.

6 minutes ago, Kahran said:

It just feels impossible to do so. Even being out with friends, I'm just an non-functional zombie. We went to a technology flea market today and I couldn't feel anything despite all the cool shit around me. The last time I went I was still on my med, and it was cool that time.

Tomorrow, I'm supposed to volunteer at a local marathon but I have absolutely no idea how I will begin to function like that.

just accept it, and be contempt with it as much as you can, that's reality, and it's temporary, now see what you can do, seems like you doing some stuff already which is cool

just instead of thinking how bad every single symptom is, just accept it.

I had and have symptoms too, if i think about them 24/7, it will do nothing beneficial, so i do as i can with my symptoms.

19 minutes ago, Kahran said:

Tomorrow, I'm supposed to volunteer at a local marathon but I have no idea how I will begin to function like that.

Ask yourself what you'll do if you stay home. Will you sit at home and ruminate on your problems? If you go the marathon it'll force you to focus on something else and rob the ruminations of their power. You may not enjoy it as much as you might, but it would be exponentially better than staying where you are mentally.