24 minutes ago, mstimc60 said:

@Kahran You already know some of what you're felling is just your normal morning anxiety rush. It'll calm as the day goes by. You've been doing better, but there are still going to be ups and downs. Again, its important to move away from blame and to work on acceptance and coping skills. If taking a benzo didn't work out, now you know not to try that again--you gained some knowledge. You have to accept you already have the strength to recover and you don't have to rely on another med. Give yourself a chance and you'll be surprised what you can do.

Why can't I just be normal, man? Why can't I just like things and be excited and function like a regular person? Instead I was just thinking internally about my own situation instead of focusing on the event.

I didn't feel like I belonged at that weekend gig but I still have regrets about not being called back. It was something to do in my boring life.

1 minute ago, Kahran said:

Why can't I just be normal, man? Why can't I just like things and be excited and function like a regular person? Instead I was just thinking internally about my own situation instead of focusing on the event.

I didn't feel like I belonged at that weekend gig but I still have regrets about not being called back. It was something to do in my boring life.

That event is over and gone . It no longer exists. Anxiety is incredibly selfish and it will do everything it can to keep you focused on your fears, on your guilt, and on your inability to move your attention away from yourself. We are often our harshest judges. So you will keep having these thoughts, at least for a while. The key is to deny them any power. Let them float in and out. Practice living in the moment.

3 hours ago, mstimc60 said:

Practice living in the moment.

Sometimes I wonder if the current moments are just so boring that its more stimulating to think about the past.

Theres times I felt that the Lexapro + Vyvanse combo made things really interesting. I really miss those times. Everything has just been insanely dull and no distraction is enough to pull me away fully.

It genuinely feels like my best years are now behind me. Those first 5 months of 2025 were so crucial and I ruined it all. I don't have any reason to wake up in the morning. No reason to shower, or walk, or want to take care of myself. It's all just been a complete waste of time and the biggest mistake of my life. I feel so weak hearing all of you who are able to work through withdrawal. All these points about getting through depression seem pointless since the time they were needed most has long past.

Your past is done. How you live the present is 100% up to you. If you insist on replaying and judging the past over and over, you're not going to make much progress towards recovery. We can help you through this but it takes effort and work on your part. We're ready to help when you're ready to move forward.

I had some really bad nightmares last night, is it result of tapering Ambien? Theyre hard to describe but I had trouble sleeping due to feeling really dreadful, anxious, worried, and scared. It felt like the world was ending or my life was ending. Multiple time limits happening and not sure what to focus on.

Anyone else experience this?

1 hour ago, Kahran said:

I had some really bad nightmares last night, is it result of tapering Ambien? Theyre hard to describe but I had trouble sleeping due to feeling really dreadful, anxious, worried, and scared. It felt like the world was ending or my life was ending. Multiple time limits happening and not sure what to focus on.

Anyone else experience this?

It’s very common to experience nightmares in wd. Could be from your drop. Could be just part of the over all injury.

18 hours ago, Kahran said:

Anyone else experience this?

Immediately after the first pill, and only really now becoming sporadic at past 3 years off of them.

For at least the first year off, about 2/3 of the nightmares were suicidal.

These nightmares are terrible. If feels like they last hours but I look at the clock and only 2 have past.

I've genuinely felt super hopeless over the past few days. I miss the passion I had towards anything. I'm trying to volunteer for audio mixing at a local church, something ai'm interested in and I feel nothing.

I should've just accepted the meds for life. Instead, I decided to just completely nuke it. A life like this compared to what it is now is simply not worth it. Nothing I do is helping me, I feel no enjoyment, no satisfaction, nothing. At least I felt "normal" and engaged. I can't function even in the most silliest of hobbies.

Recovery means nothing to me when there is nothing to look forward to. My best years are behind me.

@Kahran , you've got two things going on you need to work on accepting: 1) A lot of what you're going through are neuro emotions, caused by your nervous system being destabilized. That's a symptom of withdrawal. 2) The neuro emotions are driving the mindset that keeps you from fully engaging with the recovery process. Its freezing you in place and keeping you in the constant cycle of self-blame. We can help you but you need to take the first steps.

6 minutes ago, mstimc60 said:

@Kahran , you've got two things going on you need to work on accepting: 1) A lot of what you're going through are neuro emotions, caused by your nervous system being destabilized. That's a symptom of withdrawal. 2) The neuro emotions are driving the mindset that keeps you from fully engaging with the recovery process. Its freezing you in place and keeping you in the constant cycle of self-blame. We can help you but you need to take the first steps.

Everyday is a new obsession it seems. But, one aspect I've really been neglecting is diet. I've been obsessing over being nostalgic over the 2017-2019 era of my life. The big aspect of that being under keto. So, I'm going to make the switch to that. A hard switch.

Maybe it will at least help with not feeling physically like shit at least. Though I remember each time I did it, I felt emotionally great.

5 minutes ago, Kahran said:

Everyday is a new obsession it seems. But, one aspect I've really been neglecting is diet. I've been obsessing over being nostalgic over the 2017-2019 era of my life. The big aspect of that being under keto. So, I'm going to make the switch to that. A hard switch.

Maybe it will at least help with not feeling physically like shit at least. Though I remember each time I did it, I felt emotionally great.

It can't hurt to try a change in diet and its a positive step. Go for it!

Let me know how it goes please!! I’ve been considering it for a while.

I’ve done low carb but not consistently.

I’m 14 months off Prozac.

I get neuro emotions too, I can get very very low but then can be ok a day later…then back again.

It’s like a yo yo.

It will lift in time,

Keep the faith 👍

4 hours ago, Its-me-Rosie said:

Let me know how it goes please!! I’ve been considering it for a while.

I’ve done low carb but not consistently.

I’m 14 months off Prozac.

I get neuro emotions too, I can get very very low but then can be ok a day later…then back again.

It’s like a yo yo.

It will lift in time,

Keep the faith 👍

Lol, ain't it ever so. The YoYo effect of emotions.

Edited May 3May 3 by Kahran

Keep us posted on the keto switch too! Been considering it as well, but just havent gotten around to it yet

I'll let you guys know. Just had bacon and eggs for breakfast today. Later on, I'll try to have some steak.

Just very angry today. Maybe it's better than being depressed. Thinking about all the years wasted. I don't think I wouldn't care as much if this CT wasn't so catastrophic. I undid so much work in so little time because I was too stubborn. Hate this fucking shit.

I didn't get the job. I was really hoping for it but the other guy just had more experience.

25 minutes ago, Kahran said:

I didn't get the job. I was really hoping for it but the other guy just had more experience.

I'm sorry you didn't get the job, but you should be very proud of yourself for going through the interview process and being competitive. The right job will come along when the time is right.

25 minutes ago, Kahran said:

I didn't get the job. I was really hoping for it but the other guy just had more experience.

Sorry to hear that @Kahran don't let this take the wind out of your sails, it won't always going to work.

kudos for trying while in, not easy at all, be very proud.

keep pushing forward as much as you can.

Edited May 5May 5 by Fullhealing

I'm incredibly angry. I don't think a follow up email yesterday would've changed much if the guy they chose just had more experience but I'm angry I didn't send it out. Very angry. Like bang my head against wall angry. Angry at everything I've done to myself leading up to this. I fucked EVERYTHING up for no fucking reason.

It's this anger that makes me really rethink if these meds helped pacify me.

I've always like the title of the movie "As good as it gets". It gives me the idea that life isn't good enough, maybe even kinda sucks. But it asks you to surrender and accept or appreciate whatever goodness, beauty, meaning you can find. There might not be much of it, it might be next to nothing, insufficient, but it is there, waiting for you to recognize it. That's still kinda wholesome.

A poor person has to make do with whatever little he can get. Also it's not something you do, it's through the wear and tear of our hardship, that the rough edges get smoothened, like water does rocks. So yes, things (for now) will keep going as they do now, but while you get angry at yourself, take things personally, feel hopeless or obsessed or ruminating, recognize that that's just part of it. If you could've stopped, you would have done so already.

10 hours ago, Vince said:

I've always like the title of the movie "As good as it gets". It gives me the idea that life isn't good enough, maybe even kinda sucks. But it asks you to surrender and accept or appreciate whatever goodness, beauty, meaning you can find. There might not be much of it, it might be next to nothing, insufficient, but it is there, waiting for you to recognize it. That's still kinda wholesome.

A poor person has to make do with whatever little he can get. Also it's not something you do, it's through the wear and tear of our hardship, that the rough edges get smoothened, like water does rocks. So yes, things (for now) will keep going as they do now, but while you get angry at yourself, take things personally, feel hopeless or obsessed or ruminating, recognize that that's just part of it. If you could've stopped, you would have done so already.

Love this.

18 hours ago, Kahran said:

I'm incredibly angry. I don't think a follow up email yesterday would've changed much if the guy they chose just had more experience but I'm angry I didn't send it out. Very angry. Like bang my head against wall angry. Angry at everything I've done to myself leading up to this. I fucked EVERYTHING up for no fucking reason.

It's this anger that makes me really rethink if these meds helped pacify me.

Rage is also a familiar symptom as well as anxiety, depression (neuro-emotional) that will attach to everything that happens and give it validity, I know it's hard but try your best to accept and let it pass.

Edited May 6May 6 by Fullhealing

Well, despite being rejected yesterday, I had an interview at a retail store today and got a job. I start tomorrow. A far cry from a Technical Support Engineer but I guess it beats being at the house all day.

I'm still raging pretty hard though. Almost uncontrollable when alone. Just still really beating myself for not making this last job work through withdrawal or even prior. I really need to learn to forgive myself and absolve myself of self-hatred, but it's still very tough.

10 minutes ago, Kahran said:

Well, despite being rejected yesterday, I had an interview at a retail store today and got a job. I start tomorrow. A far cry from a Technical Support Engineer but I guess it beats being at the house all day.

I'm still raging pretty hard though. Almost uncontrollable when alone. Just still really beating myself for not making this last job work through withdrawal or even prior. I really need to learn to forgive myself and absolve myself of self-hatred, but it's still very tough.

yeah it is fine, congrats on getting a job ! if that makes you feel better and occupies you, why not ?

18 minutes ago, Kahran said:

Well, despite being rejected yesterday, I had an interview at a retail store today and got a job. I start tomorrow. A far cry from a Technical Support Engineer but I guess it beats being at the house all day.

Great news! I think you'll find a job will give you perspective and keep your mind busy, and take it off self-blame. Good luck!