I'm not sure why to continue on at this point to be quite honest. Nor even why I even bothered to make this thread. Maybe had I made a thread on SA when the registrations opened up in Feb 2025, there could've been an ongoing story that had possibly got increasingly better. But this story simply began with the ending. I completely nuked my perfectly fine life by going cold turkey on Lexapro and did not bother reinstating, even with all the information in the world on how to fix that mistake.

There simply isn't a day I don't think about this. I'd say 90% of my waking hours are just thinking of how my life could've been or trying to go back in my mind how I could've saved myself. This probably would've been completely fixable had I just ACCEPTED I had to reinstate and be on Lexapro just a little while longer. Time passed anyways, why not do it in a way that didn't make me lose fucking EVERYTHING.

The tech job market is completely fucked. I left at the absolute worst time and it will be increasingly impossible to repair any kind of financial stability. I am absolutely convinced I got burned out because I got off the Lexapro. Any instances prior were probably because I didn't take the meds for a few days due to routine changes. Despite hating this current job I'm at, I'm too scared to have THAT conversation of leaving. Maybe that just proves how dangerous these meds are because you have to take them everyday otherwise you go fucking crazy.

It doesn't help at all my family is unsupportive and basically threatening me to move out if I don't take anything to "help" myself. Despite any fucking resource I point them towards, "it's not because of the medicine." I just feel so fucking alone in this world.

You can't change the past. It's very common to have looping, obsessive thoughts about all of this in withdrawal.

You absolutely can go on to improve and then recover. You've even had periods where this has been happening somewhat.

Things will likely be hard for quite some time, and then you'll begin to improve, and then it will be completely possible to go on to live a decent life.

You've no idea what could have happened otherwise, plenty of people lose jobs, change careers etc. The thing that's making this hard is the withdrawal symptoms, and they won't last forever.

Hey @Kahran

Im sorry you find yourself stuck in this loop still. Must be very frustrating. Obviously everything that we have said to you still stands today as much as it did when we first said it to you, so I won't repeat that here.

I think it is good you are holding down this job, it might not be what you want right now, but it is a start, something to build on.

It is hard when family don't understand for sure. That answers the quesstion why you post here still, because we understand, and being part of a community that understand is a much better use of your energy then trying to convince people who are unable to listen of your WD.

You are not alone. We are with you. And remember this is all temporary! Given enough time and no further changes to your drugs you can and will improve.

It is just incredibly disheartening to have reinstated back on March 9th. It was the second biggest mistake I made in all of this. It's funny how I'd prefer to go back to being depressed and bored. It's way better than feeling like you are constantly anxious and feeling like you're going to die. That with your mind constantly looping. I feel like it wasn't doing that at all in the 9 or so months prior to all of this.

I didn't even really think of the withdrawal having an effect on my job loss until February. It was nice to be blissfully ignorant for those short few months. Though, I can't say it was all peaches during that time as well. Many mornings I woke up wishing I hadn't. Had a nice window in the month of October but then it came back down. Even still, I'd prefer that over what I have now...

I swear to god this shit worse than when I first went CT on Lexapro. That was more severe depression, not restless anxiety. I can't believe I ruined such "good" progress on recovery. I seriously may have gave myself a brain injury or something because I CANNOT stop moving.

I just realized the date this topic was made too. No wonder I was going fucking crazy. God help me please.

As @Chippy said, we’re sorry you’re caught up in ruminations. It’ll be a more difficult journey to recovery as long as you’re caught up in the negative thought loop. Hopefully you’ll be able to practice some of the things we’ve offered to help you move forward.

It’s very unlikely you’ve permanently damaged your brain, but the meds and the looping thought patterns have unbalanced your nervous system. You can recover given time and effort. We’re here to help you.

It's unlikely that you've caused any kind of permanent brain injury.

You just need to give it more time since destabilising yourself by introducing more drugs, and hopefully then you'll work back towards where you were, and then keep improving.

On 6/4/2026 at 7:57 PM, Kahran said:

The tech job market is completely fucked.

Is it that bad? I used to be a tech worker but am currently unemployed

21 hours ago, GreggeryPeccary said:

Is it that bad? I used to be a tech worker but am currently unemployed

Yeah. Lots of layoffs means lots of competition for existing roles.

I would just be saying the same shit over and over again. I just hate how my family does not believe me on withdrawal despite all the resources I've shown them. I hate how severed my relationship has become with them. I should've never reinstated back in March.

I was having my windows. I enjoyed those windows. I fucking ruined it all. It's all gone. I'm fucking gone.

Edited June 9Jun 9 by Kahran

13 minutes ago, Kahran said:

I just hate how my family does not believe me on withdrawal despite all the resources I've shown them. I hate how severed my relationship has become with them.

That's a tough one. Even family who want to be supportive often can't understand what we're experiencing. Some think using "tough love" to force you to make progress is helpful but it often backfires. But you know you can get support here.

10 hours ago, Kahran said:

I should've never reinstated back in March.

I was having my windows. I enjoyed those windows. I fucking ruined it all. It's all gone. I'm fucking gone.

You haven't ruined it. After having windows and improving over time, you've experienced a setback, but a couple of months after that you're able to work again even though it's difficult.

You also know why the setback happened. You will likely go on to improve if you just stop dabbling in more drugs, just like you were improving before it.

10 hours ago, Kahran said:

I should've never reinstated back in March.

Do you remember how you spent so much time blaming yourself not RI, and now you tried you are blaming yourself for doing it......Perhaps give yourself a break, it appears you are determined to blame yourself what ever you do!

10 hours ago, Kahran said:

I just hate how my family does not believe me on withdrawal despite all the resources I've shown them.

I know. This is a very tough one. I hate it. But acceptance kicks in here too. Ultimately we have to accept we can't control what others believe, letting it go and just dealing with the day at hand is best. I treid for a long time to get my parents and siblings to understand, they don't directly call it out, but In know they don't get it and it is all lipservice. I hate it really, but have learned to simply not care.

10 hours ago, Kahran said:

I was having my windows. I enjoyed those windows. I fucking ruined it all. It's all gone. I'm fucking gone.

Please stop looping. You had windows, as @Luke has said many times now, if you stop adding in or messing with your doses you will likley have more windows and things will settle down for you.

If my family would stop getting in the fucking way. They seriously keep guilt tripping me into taking meds and sometimes I think I might fall for it. Its insanely stressful. They 3v1'd me with a psychiatrist to take Seroquel and Lamictal and I keep pleading with them that more meds is not going to solve the issue.

Hi there,

Read your whole story and is similar to mine. I'm 13 months in protracted withdrawal from Lexapro and also thinking about reinstatement too. My only symptoms left is my looping OCD thoughts which was my main reason for going on meds and it makes me think it is the return of the original issue. Hope you feel better and know lots of people are in similar situations so don't give up.

21 hours ago, Kahran said:

They 3v1'd me with a psychiatrist to take Seroquel and Lamictal and I keep pleading with them that more meds is not going to solve the issue.

Hold your ground Kahran, your body your choice.

I figured I should post some update. I've been lurking out of shame.

The reality is that 3v1 between my family and psych happened on May 27th. I ended up reluctantly taking those two drugs since I was ability to even be part of the family was threatened, and to no ones surprised, they fucked me up. Badly.

My vision is fucked and distorted to this day. It's as if my brain can no longer process motion correctly. This makes distractions such as video games or movies virtually impossible. Not to mention my sleep has been completely disturbed. The Ambien used to at least knock me out for a good 4 to 6 hours. I'm lucky to get 1 or 2 now.

Since then I've been bouncing around psych wards and crisis stabalization units. Ironically, these have been far safer than my parents house since you can legally deny treatment. These are just faceless people you can tell to fuck off, not people you have been emotionally connected to. I wish I got sectioned earlier, maybe I would've realized sooner I needed to get the fuck out of my parents house.

I really did know I would heal. Behind the frantic postings was someone that knew it would eventually pass. I guess me posting was just a way to cope in a weird way. I'd eventually find peace in my evenings with music and games. Honestly, I'm not so sure anymore. It's insane how much I'm looking back fondly from March to May because things have become insanely unbearable.

I think the betrayal from my parents hurts more than anything. Or really the fact I felt that they made me betray myself. I really can't find it in my heart to forgive them or myself anymore.

Sorry guys, I wish there was a happy ending rather than a grim warning to not trust your family. or yourself. This really is all my fault in the end. I hope you guys protect yourselves better than I could.

Hi @Kahran Thank you for updating. One thing I've learned when it comes to dealing with family and WD is that most of the time family members want what's best for you, but they don't understand what this journey is like. Like many doctors, family members think you can drug your way out of anxiety and depression. I'm glad to see you stood your ground with the doctors. You have to make the decisions that are right for you, based on what you know to be best for you.

You can still recover. Don't lose hope. You had a major setback but that setback gives you a foundation to move forward. We're here to help you whenever you need us.

I’m so sorry @Kahran, it’s horrific what we can be put through in this state. Thank you for letting us know what happened. Please know that you can still heal, no matter how bad things are right now. Stay in the fight. We’re behind you.

1 hour ago, Kahran said:

I think the betrayal from my parents hurts more than anything. Or really the fact I felt that they made me betray myself. I really can't find it in my heart to forgive them or myself anymore.

Sorry guys, I wish there was a happy ending rather than a grim warning to not trust your family. or yourself. This really is all my fault in the end. I hope you guys protect yourselves better than I could.

@Kahran it breaks my heart to read this. Please don’t blame yourself. You’ve been coerced which is such a cruel thing to do to someone who’s clearly vulnerable and suffering. You were hesitant — already knowing what was right for you. People unknowingly do this because they can’t bear to see your suffering, when what you really need from them is patience, love and support. I’m so sorry you didn’t receive the understanding and care you needed.

Of course, they (my parents) want to move on. They essentially forced me to gouge my eyes out and lobotomize myself, but they want to patch things up as if nothing happened. They gave me that whole speech about "we were trying to help you" but it just falls flat. They wonder why I'm fucking screaming and crying in pain.

I really am not sure what to do cause I'm not sure if I can fake gritting anymore. It feels like all the love I had for my parents is gone and replaced with resentment. Which is really tragic, because part of the reason I even relented was because I didn't want them to see me like this near the end of their life. My father told me I was killing my mother.

I understand, but they can't possibly know what you're going through. They probably want it all to go away which is what you want too. So they're jumping to conclusions about how to "fix you". As we know it all takes time and it will take as long as it takes. Have you thought about or sought any advice on reinstatement? Some of the more experienced people on the forum may be able to offer some options.

3 hours ago, Kahran said:

Of course, they (my parents) want to move on. They essentially forced me to gouge my eyes out and lobotomize myself, but they want to patch things up as if nothing happened. They gave me that whole speech about "we were trying to help you" but it just falls flat. They wonder why I'm fucking screaming and crying in pain.

I really am not sure what to do cause I'm not sure if I can fake gritting anymore. It feels like all the love I had for my parents is gone and replaced with resentment. Which is really tragic, because part of the reason I even relented was because I didn't want them to see me like this near the end of their life. My father told me I was killing my mother.

I'm sure they want your best and express it in their own way that doesn't always sync with yours.

This is a common conflict for many of us and finding the right balance is a tricky art.

I really hope that with time, when your mind is less turbulent, you will be able to find common ground.

11 hours ago, Kahran said:

I figured I should post some update. I've been lurking out of shame.

The reality is that 3v1 between my family and psych happened on May 27th. I ended up reluctantly taking those two drugs since I was ability to even be part of the family was threatened, and to no ones surprised, they fucked me up. Badly.

My vision is fucked and distorted to this day. It's as if my brain can no longer process motion correctly. This makes distractions such as video games or movies virtually impossible. Not to mention my sleep has been completely disturbed. The Ambien used to at least knock me out for a good 4 to 6 hours. I'm lucky to get 1 or 2 now.

Since then I've been bouncing around psych wards and crisis stabalization units. Ironically, these have been far safer than my parents house since you can legally deny treatment. These are just faceless people you can tell to fuck off, not people you have been emotionally connected to. I wish I got sectioned earlier, maybe I would've realized sooner I needed to get the fuck out of my parents house.

I really did know I would heal. Behind the frantic postings was someone that knew it would eventually pass. I guess me posting was just a way to cope in a weird way. I'd eventually find peace in my evenings with music and games. Honestly, I'm not so sure anymore. It's insane how much I'm looking back fondly from March to May because things have become insanely unbearable.

I think the betrayal from my parents hurts more than anything. Or really the fact I felt that they made me betray myself. I really can't find it in my heart to forgive them or myself anymore.

Sorry guys, I wish there was a happy ending rather than a grim warning to not trust your family. or yourself. This really is all my fault in the end. I hope you guys protect yourselves better than I could.

Kahran, reading this has broken my heart. I knew all of what you have said here, I knew, that you knew you would heal. You were lashing out in frustration at the perceived loss of the life you had, but deep down you knew that it would pass. I also felt strongly the pressures you felt from your family, and in the face of them, a professional and whilst not feeling well and vunerable, it is no wonder you caved. Please dont feel any shame! None at all! It is not your fault! The good news is, nothing has changed. You will still heal! You knew this then and you know this now. You are part of this family and we have your back always. Keep refusing those poison little pills.

@Kahran as the others have said, healing is still absolutely possible in time off of these drugs.

Introducing new ones can cause setbacks, as you're now experiencing, but it might not last that long, in the scheme of things. It's hard to say, but you may find that in the coming weeks or months you recover to where you were before this and can again see that in time it will improve and pass, as you did before.

It's not uncommon that people have had setbacks like this from introducing new drugs, either because they got desperate and tried, or because they had to, as you did. However, this means that there is also precedent for this just being a setback and improving again in time.

I'm in touch with someone who had a major setback from benzos but a couple of months later is back on track and doing better than pre-setback.

Try not to beat yourself up for it, to seek relief from suffering is human. To not want to harm your parents is human. Beneath all the suffering, you're still there and you're still human.

9 hours ago, Catbird said:

I understand, but they can't possibly know what you're going through. They probably want it all to go away which is what you want too. So they're jumping to conclusions about how to "fix you". As we know it all takes time and it will take as long as it takes. Have you thought about or sought any advice on reinstatement? Some of the more experienced people on the forum may be able to offer some options.

Something I didn't mention but I actually did try to reinstate on a 1mg of Lexapro in the middle of May. Even that was way too much. It felt like my nerves were pulsating. I got over those sensations in like 2 weeks but then that fucking psych appointment happened.

Even after telling my parents how I felt (and going to the ER), their reaction was just to coax me into taking more of the same at a higher dose. I did at least resist that.

The whole thing is a mess. I don't think I'd ever agree with reinstatement again. If I hadn't done it, they probably would've left well alone since I wouldn't have reacted so hard. Even so, I wish they just fucking listened to me. Who really knows, maybe this was all inevitable since that March 9th reinstatement. My mother just became a complete control freak after that and coerced me to do a lot of things despite me telling her what I thought was best.

Edited August 3Aug 3 by Kahran