I just want it to go back before I took that Seroquel and Lamictal. I looked forward to the evenings cause I could take ambien and relax. Sleep for a few hours...It's barely an hour now.

I should've just ran. Or posted here but I was too embarrassed to admit anything. The only person I told was my brother who just egged it on. I feel so betrayed by my family and they all ******* hate me now.

On 8/3/2026 at 2:00 PM, Kahran said:

Something I didn't mention but I actually did try to reinstate on a 1mg of Lexapro in the middle of May

Hi kahran, after what time did you start to react on the 1mg? It’s my day 4 now of reinstatement 1mg of Zoloft.

4 hours ago, Kahran said:

I just want it to go back before I took that Seroquel and Lamictal. I

4 hours ago, Kahran said:

I feel so betrayed by my family and they all ******* hate me now.

Try not to go back to the same looping pattern as before, looking to blame yourself or others, it didn't help then and it won't help now mate.

If you can try to keep your signature up to date, it is helpful for others to see.

Please understand that the body is designed to heal and given enough time things will start to improve. Go easy on yourself, don't judge your previous 'mistakes' just put your best foot forward now and trust this will be ok eventually.

10 hours ago, Kahran said:

I just want it to go back before I took that Seroquel and Lamictal. I looked forward to the evenings cause I could take ambien and relax. Sleep for a few hours...It's barely an hour now.

I should've just ran. Or posted here but I was too embarrassed to admit anything. The only person I told was my brother who just egged it on. I feel so betrayed by my family and they all ******* hate me now.

Believe me @Kahran we've all made mistakes. Just take a look at my drug history the past year and a half and you'll see how many mistakes I've made! It's really easy to get into a spiral of self-blame, anger and regret, but it doesn't help anything because we can't change what's happened. We shouldn't have to suffer like this, but it's the journey we're on and as long as we keep surviving we'll get to a much better place.

On 8/12/2026 at 3:32 AM, Kahran said:

I just want it to go back before I took that Seroquel and Lamictal. I looked forward to the evenings cause I could take ambien and relax. Sleep for a few hours...It's barely an hour now.

I should've just ran. Or posted here but I was too embarrassed to admit anything. The only person I told was my brother who just egged it on. I feel so betrayed by my family and they all ******* hate me now.

There's nothing you have to be embarrassed about here, ever.

You're doing so well, considering what you've been through with your family - you're so strong.

Also, what Manga is your pic from please? Trying to place it lol

17 minutes ago, cherrysquid said:

There's nothing you have to be embarrassed about here, ever.

You're doing so well, considering what you've been through with your family - you're so strong.

Also, what Manga is your pic from please? Trying to place it lol

I forget exactly but its from a Xenogears doujin. The character is Kahran Ramsus and I related to him a lot unfortunately. He's a tragic villan. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1X_SOjA-OHY

I wish I had asked before so I could get some advice on how to proceed. My initial reaction was that if I had to take something, that I took Vyvanse cause at least that did calm me down and helped me focus. But, the one day I tried it, they weren't happy with my behavior even though I personally thought I did feel better. I let my father's words get the best of me. I feel so weak for caving into family pressure, it's literally destroyed my life. Every ******* reinstatement after that March 9th one did not feel like my own. I even kept telling my mother, it has to be for me and not for you.

I'll update my sig soon enough. It's essentially a wall of shame at this point.

6 minutes ago, Kahran said:

I forget exactly but its from a Xenogears doujin. The character is Kahran Ramsus and I related to him a lot unfortunately. He's a tragic villan. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1X_SOjA-OHY

I wish I had asked before so I could get some advice on how to proceed. My initial reaction was that if I had to take something, that I took Vyvanse cause at least that did calm me down and helped me focus. But, the one day I tried it, they weren't happy with my behavior even though I personally thought I did feel better. I let my father's words get the best of me. I feel so weak for caving into family pressure, it's literally destroyed my life. Every ******* reinstatement after that March 9th one did not feel like my own. I even kept telling my mother, it has to be for me and not for you.

I'll update my sig soon enough. It's essentially a wall of shame at this point.

Oooo I'll check it out. Eren Jeager is who I relate to the most or did before he... you know 😂 he's my soul character for sure.

No shame at all. Stiffen your spine, chin out and do what's best for YOU.

YOU are the one going through it, not them.

18 minutes ago, cherrysquid said:

No shame at all. Stiffen your spine, chin out and do what's best for YOU.

It's honestly way too late for that now. They've completely ****** me up with manipulation. I was always a people pleaser and had shitty boundaries. I really wish I had gone to therapy for this because people have always walked all over me.

11 minutes ago, Kahran said:

It's honestly way too late for that now. They've completely ****** me up with manipulation. I was always a people pleaser and had shitty boundaries. I really wish I had gone to therapy for this because people have always walked all over me.

Well now you see it, change it. Can't change what's already done. Moving forward, do what's best for you. Don't let anything get worse. And when you do recover, which you will, you can live your best life with your new found self.

I know you're beating yourself up, and things feel as though they've gone past a point of no return, but there were many on SA with large signatures who went on to improve and then recover.

You're in a setback, but many setbacks that I've seen have not been a total reversal or reset of recovery. There's a decent chance that you'll slowly return to where you were before this in time.

4 hours ago, Luke said:

I know you're beating yourself up, and things feel as though they've gone past a point of no return, but there were many on SA with large signatures who went on to improve and then recover.

You're in a setback, but many setbacks that I've seen have not been a total reversal or reset of recovery. There's a decent chance that you'll slowly return to where you were before this in time.

I hope man. I just had it pretty much set before this Feburary. I reacted really badly to my friend giving me tough love and that just spiraled into me wanting to try that 5mg again.

I don't really know how to deal with my symptoms. Before, it was just emotional. Now, head pressure, shakes, dizziness, shortness of breath, jerks, finger and toe twitching. Do I just have to rawdog everything? The only time I feel calm is when I take the Ambien at night. I was put back to only taking it at night since it was controlled by med staff. I wonder if I should split dose it again.

10 minutes ago, Kahran said:

Do I just have to rawdog everything?

Well, adding in more drugs to try to relieve symptoms in the short term has repeatedly gone pretty badly, so I'd say at this stage the best thing you can do is try to keep things as stable as possible.

As best I can work out, ambien is something you've been taking at 10mg a day consistently? You may want to look at splitting doses but other than that try to keep things consistent and stable as much as you can.

I'll try splitting doses.

It just ******* kills me that literally everything was okay in March, and now I'm 10x worse from my original CT. All because of a stupid reinstatement and my inability to advocate for myself properly. I was in the ******* clear man.

I just keep rereading this thread before May 29th and all the advice you guys given. I don't know why it ever stuck about the neuro-emotions and just accepting it was that. IT explains all the rage and crying stuff like that. I never needed to act on them but I did which alarmed my parents.

I had to ruin a beautiful life with this Lamcital and Seroquel ****. And this Lexapro ****. I can't stop crying. I just wanted a normal ******* life. EVen if it was just a lexapro withdrawal life, i'd rather that than this. I never wanted to kill myself but at this point I feel like I have to. The pain is just so ******* much. It was just emotional pain before but now its just bodily sensations constantly. Everything is ******* breaking down. IT didn't need ot happen at all. why could I have just been stronger enough to not re-instate the lexapro or just say no to the ******* psychiatrist or to my parents or SOMETHING!!!!! IT WAS MY ******* LIFE. WHY DID I HAVE TO BE A GOOD LITTLE BOY AND TO WHAT I WAS TOLD AND NOT WHAT I WANTED. why did it all have to lead up to this

Edited August 14Aug 14 by Kahran

@Kahran I know I have said this before. But read your last post. The first bit.

7 hours ago, Kahran said:

I just keep rereading this thread before May 29th and all the advice you guys given. I don't know why it ever stuck about the neuro-emotions and just accepting it was that. IT explains all the rage and crying stuff like that. I never needed to act on them but I did which alarmed my parents.

You were just saying how you should have listen to us but didn't

Now the same pattern is happening again. Things are worse than before and you wish you could go back, but back then everything was terrible and you couldn't see it getting better etc,, we tried to help, you didn't listen. Just looped and felt feeling sorry for yourself, blaming yourself etc...... So nothing has changed really.

Time to stop this pattern of self destructive behaviour and start from ground zero, as hard as it is. Given enough time, without adding in additional drugs, this will become easier. All this self hate isn't helping your nervous system heal, it needs some peace now, let it have it please mate.

5 hours ago, Chippy said:

Time to stop this pattern of self destructive behaviour and start from ground zero, as hard as it is. Given enough time, without adding in additional drugs, this will become easier. All this self hate isn't helping your nervous system heal, it needs some peace now, let it have it please mate.

It's very annoying because this last time felt like it wasn't up to me to take these pills. I finally accepted and made peace but my parents just had other plans. I knew from the get-go Seroquel (and Lamictal) was a bad deal. No reciting side effects could change thier mind cause "the doctor wouldn't give you something that would harm you." Angie Peacock and you guys even mentioned to not bother trying to convince family members of what's going on. But what can you do when they are threatening your living situation? I really wish I had just asked something in here for SOMETHING.

I would've screamed "my body my choice" until my voice burned out if I saw it before, @Chippy . I really wish there was a way I could've reasonably moved out prior, or just used our vacation house to stay alone...

Edited August 15Aug 15 by Kahran

1 hour ago, Kahran said:

It's very annoying because this last time felt like it wasn't up to me to take these pills. I finally accepted and made peace but my parents just had other plans. I knew from the get-go Seroquel (and Lamictal) was a bad deal. No reciting side effects could change thier mind cause "the doctor wouldn't give you something that would harm you." Angie Peacock and you guys even mentioned to not bother trying to convince family members of what's going on. But what can you do when they are threatening your living situation? I really wish I had just asked something in here for SOMETHING.

I would've screamed "my body my choice" until my voice burned out if I saw it before, @Chippy . I really wish there was a way I could've reasonably moved out prior, or just used our vacation house to stay alone...

I have to agree with @Chippy on this, @Kahran . Constantly telling yourself "I should have done this" or you should have stood up for yourself is just keeping you trapped in a self-blame spiral. I don't think you'd let your best friend keep bashing himself over the head for whatever mistakes he thinks he may have made. Show yourself that same kindness. Like Chippy said, give yourself the gift of peace.

26 minutes ago, mstimc60 said:

I don't think you'd let your best friend keep bashing himself over the head for whatever mistakes he thinks he may have made.

MY best friend in February bashed me for leaving my job. That's what triggered this whole ******* thing in the first place. Maybe I hang out with shitty people? Or am I the *******?

Just now, Kahran said:

MY best friend in February bashed me for leaving my job. That's what triggered this whole ******* thing in the first place. Maybe I hang out with shitty people? Or am I the *******?

The point is you wouldn't do that to someone else, so why do it to yourself?

3 minutes ago, mstimc60 said:

The point is you wouldn't do that to someone else, so why do it to yourself?

Because I deserve it. How can I love myself when I self-sabotage myself every step of the way? I put myself in this ******* state. If I had done nothing, everything would have worked out in the end. Every time I do something, it blows up. I never felt regret about any of my actions until February/March when I retook ******* pills. So maybe it's just neuro-emotions getting the best of me. It's got me deep and it sucked me right back in cause I'm a ******* fool.

9 hours ago, Kahran said:

I just keep rereading this thread before May 29th and all the advice you guys given. I don't know why it ever stuck about the neuro-emotions and just accepting it was that. IT explains all the rage and crying stuff like that. I never needed to act on them but I did which alarmed my parents.

I had to ruin a beautiful life with this Lamcital and Seroquel ****. And this Lexapro ****. I can't stop crying. I just wanted a normal ******* life. EVen if it was just a lexapro withdrawal life, i'd rather that than this. I never wanted to kill myself but at this point I feel like I have to. The pain is just so ******* much. It was just emotional pain before but now its just bodily sensations constantly. Everything is ******* breaking down. IT didn't need ot happen at all. why could I have just been stronger enough to not re-instate the lexapro or just say no to the ******* psychiatrist or to my parents or SOMETHING!!!!! IT WAS MY ******* LIFE. WHY DID I HAVE TO BE A GOOD LITTLE BOY AND TO WHAT I WAS TOLD AND NOT WHAT I WANTED. why did it all have to lead up to thi

1 hour ago, Kahran said:

Because I deserve it. How can I love myself when I self-sabotage myself every step of the way? I put myself in this ******* state. If I had done nothing, everything would have worked out in the end. Every time I do something, it blows up. I never felt regret about any of my actions until February/March when I retook ******* pills. So maybe it's just neuro-emotions getting the best of me. It's got me deep and it sucked me right back in cause I'm a ******* fool.

We care about you and want to see you thrive, but we can only hold someone so much and a lot of it is up to the individual. You need to change your mindset. If i could reach into your head and do it i would but I can't.

Come on, you can do it you've been through so much you're strong 💪 ❤️

Stop the negative self talk it doesn't do any good. Stop looking back it won't change anything. Go be your best self

Do blurred vision side effects even go away or is this permanent? Apparently lamictal binds to melanin in eyes and can be found in rats a year later after a single dose.

I'm personally in touch with two people (off the forum) who had severe eye issues from these drugs, that got totally better in time.

19 hours ago, Kahran said:

I would've screamed "my body my choice" until my voice burned out if I saw it before, @Chippy . I really wish there was a way I could've reasonably moved out prior, or just used our vacation house to stay alone...

breaks my heart mate 😔

14 hours ago, cherrysquid said:

We care about you and want to see you thrive, but we can only hold someone so much and a lot of it is up to the individual. You need to change your mindset. If i could reach into your head and do it i would but I can't.

Come on, you can do it you've been through so much you're strong 💪 ❤️

Stop the negative self talk it doesn't do any good. Stop looking back it won't change anything. Go be your best self

100% this @Kahran you have this mate!