22 minutes ago, Kahran said:

Frankly, even I'm getting scared of myself. Are these meltdowns even withdrawal related or just some like intense grief? It's just constantly getting into a pattern of saying "No! NO NO!" or "Why did I do x?". And just getting that energy out through any physical means I can. I can't seem to connect with anyone anymore. Mother's Day today was exceptionally hard, I could not fake it for the life of me. I spent most of it locked in the bathroom on the floor. This is some pathetic shit after writing this.

They are mostly wd but your mind kind of rationalizes it in a way it seems like it's coming from you fully but it's not.

Try to start practicing meditating, and remember you are not the thoughts and emotions (even if they still take over, just let them, accept them, and know in the background it's not you and it's just ups and downs of withdrawal.

May god bless all of us that are in withdrawal 🙏

1 hour ago, Lighty said:

They are mostly wd but your mind kind of rationalizes it in a way it seems like it's coming from you fully but it's not.

Try to start practicing meditating, and remember you are not the thoughts and emotions (even if they still take over, just let them, accept them, and know in the background it's not you and it's just ups and downs of withdrawal.

May god bless all of us that are in withdrawal 🙏

Damn, then what was I on the drug? What is REALLY shitty is that I think a lot of the feelings I had prior to my work leave in October were related to not taking the drug for a few days. Which is another reason I wanted to get off the drug for a looooong time. I hated being so dependent on it. I just wish I tapered much slower but I guess we all do yeah?

2 minutes ago, Kahran said:

I just wish I tapered much slower but I guess we all do yeah?

Yes but you will be fine regardless, try to remember the ups and downs are just ups and downs, nothing really happened, it's the wd.

Edited May 10May 10 by Lighty

Those downs had some pretty major consequences man. I'm still freaking out I may never get a good job again. The world has changed so much and I feel completely behind.

So my ruminating thoughts about quitting my job was all withdraw? My inability to turn anything into a positive? I keep saying I hated it, my family keeps saying that, but now I really believe I was just in bad withdrawal.

I hate this. My friends online were talking about how they get work from home today. Something I used to do, while living in my own apartment. One fucking pill is all it takes for that to completely crash away.

This all couldve been do easily fixed. Why didn't I just reinstate? I read all the horror stories and chose to go down the same road and here I am writing my own.

@Kahran, looping and obsessive thoughts are a common withdrawal symptom.

However, I advise you to look back through this thread a bit. You are averaging multiple comments a day, many of which are the same rhetorical questions about what you could have done differently in 2024. It's 2026 now.

I clicked back 10 pages and the first comment by you is blown past opportunities. The following comments are people telling you the things they are telling you on this page, that it's a withdrawal symptom.

It is not helping you, in fact it is likely feeding the obsessive, looping thoughts, perpetuating and worsening them.

For your own sake, you need to try to get a handle on it. I think that on an intellectual level, you know that this loop is not helping you, and you'd say the same to a friend stuck in this loop.

I just don't know how to get a handle on it anymore. Maybe I wouldn't have had them had I just not gone cold turkey, or quit my job, or made any other retarded decision.

The obsessive thoughts are in my head 24/7. This new job isn't helping and only making things worse. Lots of time to think of potential alternative past time lines where I reinstated and things were fine. There aren't even any other thoughts to replace it with because nothing is interesting.

The physical symptoms are not here but the emotional and mental ones are going insane. I think I'm going insane. I'm pacing like a lunatic, mumbling to myself and sometimes just striking things. If I'm in the car, I'm screaming, slamming the acceleration down and braking suddenly when I'm alone on the road.

Life has just been dreadful. Every morning is dread and every night is dread. My life was at its best when I was taking Lexapro and Vyvanse together consistently. My life always went up when on an antidepressant. I destroyed friendships even when I was off for a little bit. Logically, it just makes sense to be on one. I'm utterly worthless and unfunctional without this medication and this last year and a half as proven that. The side effects weren't even that bad, just annoying.

My friends are scared, my family is scared, and I'm scared. I cut up and grinded some Lexapro in the off chance I end up reinstating at something low. I'm seriously desperate. How the hell do you people wake up each day and try to continue like this? I think I need to throw in the towel here.

@Kahran what did you do with your Ambien taper in the end? Did you up dose? Split dose?

28 minutes ago, Chippy said:

@Kahran what did you do with your Ambien taper in the end? Did you up dose? Split dose?

I just slowly reduced what I was taking at night. I went from 10mg to 5mg. The split dosing throughout the day sounded scary but if I was a NEET anyways, I guess it wouldn't have mattered?

Why? Do you think it has anything to do with this? I'm definitely more moody in the mornings...I usually go to bed a bit hopeful then wake up in dread.

23 minutes ago, Kahran said:

I just slowly reduced what I was taking at night. I went from 10mg to 5mg. The split dosing throughout the day sounded scary but if I was a NEET anyways, I guess it wouldn't have mattered?

Why? Do you think it has anything to do with this? I'm definitely more moody in the mornings...I usually go to bed a bit hopeful then wake up in dread.

It is completely possible. I thought you were thinking about updosing?

Your nervous system is fragile and you are now talking about RI Lexapro whilst tapering Ambien quickly on top of a destabilised nervous system. These drugs as you know are very dangerous. You need to be careful. I would hate to see you make all this worse.

2 hours ago, Kahran said:

My friends are scared, my family is scared, and I'm scared. I cut up and grinded some Lexapro in the off chance I end up reinstating at something low. I'm seriously desperate. How the hell do you people wake up each day and try to continue like this? I think I need to throw in the towel here.

you already tried reinstating and it didn't work out.

1 hour ago, Chippy said:

It is completely possible. I thought you were thinking about updosing?

Your nervous system is fragile and you are now talking about RI Lexapro whilst tapering Ambien quickly on top of a destabilised nervous system. These drugs as you know are very dangerous. You need to be careful. I would hate to see you make all this worse.

I'm at the point where I don't care what happens to me. My life is essentially over at this point. I might as well try something that technically helped previously. I'm tweaking already as if I'm something so I may as well be.

58 minutes ago, Lighty said:

you already tried reinstating and it didn't work out.

I think I only tried it for like 5 days. Honestly, it was just annoying side effects.

Just now, Kahran said:

I think I only tried it for like 5 days. Honestly, it was just annoying side effects.

I'm worried you might go on it again, decide it's not good, and then stop, which will confuse your nervous system further, you are quite impulsive with thoughts and things and I get it with this state.

Have you ever tried meditating ? It could be helpful to clear your head to make better decisions, give it a week until you get the hang of it.

6 minutes ago, Kahran said:

I'm at the point where I don't care what happens to me. My life is essentially over at this point. I might as well try something that technically helped previously. I'm tweaking already as if I'm something so I may as well be.

You’ve got a sensitive nervous system. Your tapering. You are on another drug which is psychoactive. You can’t reload the past and this mindset will likely make things worse rather than support the healing you desperately need. Please don’t give yourself more things to beat yourself up over in the future. Listen to the fantastic advice you’ve had on here from others. I know things are tough at the moment but you are not alone. There are so many in the same boat as you, and given enough time you will make it out of this very difficult period in your life.

6 hours ago, Chippy said:

You’ve got a sensitive nervous system. Your tapering. You are on another drug which is psychoactive. You can’t reload the past and this mindset will likely make things worse rather than support the healing you desperately need. Please don’t give yourself more things to beat yourself up over in the future. Listen to the fantastic advice you’ve had on here from others. I know things are tough at the moment but you are not alone. There are so many in the same boat as you, and given enough time you will make it out of this very difficult period in your life.

I really want to believe you. But, the self sabotage caused by this damn withdrawal, if I can even blame that, has just been unforgivable. I've cut out random friends on a whim just because of something they said months ago and "felt depressed." My actions split an entire friend group due to how stressed I was. I don't even need to mention the job. Honestly, my whole mindset has just been overwhelmingly negative since. People saw me as someone who was "positive."

Part of me is also just, very angry but compliant. I'm already in the psychiatric system and dependent. Rebelling against it basically cost my life. Maybe I could've saved it if I reinstated and tapered properly. Or maybe if my bitch of a psychiatrist listened to me about wanting to get off Lexapro instead of just saying I should stay on it. Or maybe I've been doomed since July 2018. I'm really not sure what to make of things anymore. It's just frustrating to have people you trusted lead you down a destructive path of borrowed time.

Hate this god damn world.

15 hours ago, Kahran said:

My life is essentially over at this point.

No, it's not. You've cycled through a large range of drugs, even with changes in recent weeks and months, and even so the physical side effects are waning and you're left with psychological ones.

If they improved too, you'd be doing ok.

However, you keep introducing new drugs and changing doses of existing ones. I suggest you stop doing that and allow the psychological symptoms to improve as well.

34 minutes ago, Luke said:

I suggest you stop doing that and allow the psychological symptoms to improve as well.

@Kahran 100% this.

6 hours ago, Kahran said:

People saw me as someone who was "positive."

Here is the clue. You are clearly just suffering from a very upset nervous system. The starting point is to accept this.

I won't keep on at you anymore as I don't think it is helping you at all.

But my final thought, is hold your doses, let your nervous system settle down, consider splitting your dose, interdose WD won't help matters.

Above and beyond everything, work hard to tell yourself this is WD, accept the anger if that is what you need to do, but don't lean into it. Don't keep coming back with 'why this' and 'Im stupid for this reason' and 'oh worries me' just accept that how you feel is due to a destabilized nervous system, and given no further changes and some time things will settle down for you. Let the past be where it should be, in the past.

Thank you guys for the support. I know I've been pretty difficult. There's no point in writing another 10 pages of regrets and missed opportunities so I'll hold off. Acceptance and distraction is probably all I feasibly have left.

The question of meds keeps getting brought up because my mother is a nurse and is concerned. I keep telling her about withdrawal, kindling, whatever but she doesn't buy it. When I tried that mini-reinstatement of Lexapro a bit ago, she thought I was acting when I was super zoned out and spacey, and kept mentioning tingles in my fingers/toes. It's nearly everyday so it fills my mind and I end up asking about it.

Hope you guys have a good Sunday.

1 hour ago, Kahran said:

The question of meds keeps getting brought up because my mother is a nurse and is concerned. I keep telling her about withdrawal, kindling, whatever but she doesn't buy it. When I tried that mini-reinstatement of Lexapro a bit ago, she thought I was acting when I was super zoned out and spacey, and kept mentioning tingles in my fingers/toes. It's nearly everyday so it fills my mind and I end up asking about it.

Trying to explain our experience to others, even if they're sympathetic, can be difficult. Most people think drugs are there to help us and can't accept that some are harmful. Its a struggle that doesn't make WD any easier. But hang in there--its great you're trying to get off the hamster wheel of self-blame and guilt!

1 hour ago, Kahran said:

The question of meds keeps getting brought up because my mother is a nurse and is concerned. I keep telling her about withdrawal, kindling, whatever but she doesn't buy it. When I tried that mini-reinstatement of Lexapro a bit ago, she thought I was acting when I was super zoned out and spacey, and kept mentioning tingles in my fingers/toes. It's nearly everyday so it fills my mind and I end up asking about it.

Very sorry to read. Unfortunately many professionals especially in the states aren’t up to speed with the effects and harms these drugs can cause. This can be frustrating though for us, as there has been a good bit of official recognition in the last few years. Perhaps you could share the work of Mark Horowitz and get her a copy of the Maudsley to read or send her some videos. It probably won’t help but she might be receptive. I’ve found it best to stop trying in the end tbh. I do often think this would be a little easier if there was more support from those around us.

9 minutes ago, Chippy said:

Perhaps you could share the work of Mark Horowitz

Trust me, I've tried. "He's a kook whos not even a doctor yet."

Seriously, the medical system is fucked. Something plainly obvious will be happening but because its not recorded in any studies, it's probably just placebo.

This is just a quick update. But, in my anxious ridden analysis of Discord messages, I remembered that I did try a 5mg of Lexapro back on March 9th or 10th. This was after a weekend where I was a complete wreck with anxiety and thought a lot about everything. Essentially, I reminded myself of the cold turkey and realized thats why I was unemployed and where I was at. That was during an event too where I was supposed to be working, but I didn't really get to do anything but stand and think. Maybe this news gives context to this thread more...

It's really imperative to not reinstate after 3 months and to keep distracted with literally anything. Studying or games, just anything thats not too stressful. I'm only typing this out as an example of what NOT to do. All this agitation was not here in January and February. I was depressed, but not so agitated to the state of going insane.

Just have to move on with this. The job is going okay at least. I got my first paycheck which is nice. I should've gotten a job back in Feb like I originally planned. Getting out of the house is a good move.

Great to see you're moving away from self-blame and guilt, @Kahran. And glad to hear the job is going okay. It may not be the perfect gig, but it may be the best you can do for now. We're here to support you on your journey!

Yeah, I was working it out in my head. I really can't blame myself for wanting to take the risk back then. I was an absolute wreck that weekend and could not function around people. I was basically having panic attacks the whole time and completely disconnected.

I'm still not sure about the lorazepam in Feb. The only reason I ended up taking those was after a friend and I having a heart to heart on my job situation. Who knows if they kept causing additional panic attacks but it was enough for me to consider taking one in the first place. Do you think those could've caused panic attacks and akathesia? I only took maybe 3 or 4 in that time period. It definitely only gave a moments reprieve that walking or exercise could've got rid of as well...

I’ll defer to other mentors who have more knowledge of drug interactions to answer your question. Just keep focusing on living from one moment to the next instead of looking back and you’ll do great.