9 hours ago, Kahran said:

Well, despite being rejected yesterday, I had an interview at a retail store today and got a job. I start tomorrow. A far cry from a Technical Support Engineer but I guess it beats being at the house all day.

Congrats on the job, hope it goes ok today.

I hope that the job is a positive for you.

I think that the rage, beating yourself up, yo-yo effect is all withdrawal. You'll find reading many people's stories that they wondered if the drugs were correcting such things that were innate, and later found that no, they caused it.

Today made me realize how good I had it at my last job. It's only the first day but, I think I'm pretty screwed. My regrets about not reinstating are really huge now and frankly, I'm not sure how to proceed with life as it is.

4 hours ago, Luke said:

I think that the rage, beating yourself up, yo-yo effect is all withdrawal. You'll find reading many people's stories that they wondered if the drugs were correcting such things that were innate, and later found that no, they caused it.

I really hope so. It would explain quite a bit.

I still really do struggle with acceptance and self-forgiveness. I want to but my mind just rationalizes reasons as to why I can't forgive myself. How can one forgive oneself when they could've reinstated about a month in and possibly changed the course of history? I'm so absorbed in this self-hatred, I can't see the forest for the trees. How could you possibly love someone who fucked their life up like this?

You haven’t destroyed your life. Not by a long shot. At worst, you made some mistakes, but I dare you to find anyone who doesn’t wish they could undo at least one thing in their lives. Your past can never doom you to a life of guilt and blame. Only you can do that to yourself. Use your past as a learning tool instead of a sledgehammer you bash yourself over the head with. Learn and move on.

@Kahran

Go easy on yourself, I can see you processing all this in your own way, and that is ok. You are not perfect just like the rest of us. I agree with @Luke there are alot of Neuro Emotions here for you, these are tough. The way to handle them, is to recognise them, don't fight them, but don't lean into them and end up adding in second fear. I know things are tough for you atm, but slowly you are taking steps in the right direction, these will add up and you will start to progress given enough time. Hang in there.

It is genuinely over.

It's hard to do hobbies, cook, experiment, or whatever at my parents house. My dad is very grumpy and just criticises everything I try to do so I end up not doing it.

My last apartment had barely had a kitchen. This new one last year had a perfect one. As well as being close to home and more space. But the lease was for March and my apartment ended in May. I couldve taken the hit, but I also most likely couldve just ended my old lease early. Even so, I could've taken the financial hit.

If I had thay apartment, I feel like I would've stuck it out at my job. I didn't want to continue cause my environment prevented me from doing things I wanted to do, such as now. If I got that apartment, maybe I could enjoy withdrawal a little more.

It also gets to me because this was the time reinstatement came into mind and I found all the information. If I reinstated, would I have been in a right mind to make the right choice for myself?

I seriously hate this. All of this. I've been raging over this for the past 4 months. I'm getting no where close to a salary where I could move back out. I feel completely stuck and hopeless like I'm confined in a cage.

24 minutes ago, Kahran said:

My dad is very grumpy and just criticises everything I try to do so I end up not doing it.

yeah that's annoying, you don't have to believe his criticism tho, you are doing stuff that makes you feel good, why does it matter what he thinks if you enjoy the hobby ? People have different hobbies and what not, it's just a thing on his end, I would try to not take it that much to heart.

26 minutes ago, Kahran said:

I seriously hate this. All of this. I've been raging over this for the past 4 months. I'm getting no where close to a salary where I could move back out. I feel completely stuck and hopeless like I'm confined in a cage.

Yeah it's tough, it is a temporary setback tho, try to appreciate the things you do have.

44 minutes ago, Kahran said:

It is genuinely over.

It's hard to do hobbies, cook, experiment, or whatever at my parents house. My dad is very grumpy and just criticises everything I try to do so I end up not doing it.

My last apartment had barely had a kitchen. This new one last year had a perfect one. As well as being close to home and more space. But the lease was for March and my apartment ended in May. I couldve taken the hit, but I also most likely couldve just ended my old lease early. Even so, I could've taken the financial hit.

If I had thay apartment, I feel like I would've stuck it out at my job. I didn't want to continue cause my environment prevented me from doing things I wanted to do, such as now. If I got that apartment, maybe I could enjoy withdrawal a little more.

It also gets to me because this was the time reinstatement came into mind and I found all the information. If I reinstated, would I have been in a right mind to make the right choice for myself?

I seriously hate this. All of this. I've been raging over this for the past 4 months. I'm getting no where close to a salary where I could move back out. I feel completely stuck and hopeless like I'm confined in a cage.

Definitely sucks, no doubt, brutality that tests your strength from every possible angle but keep pushing forward, it won't stay that way, your mind will clear and your perspective will change accordingly, hold on and don't let your father's criticism get you down, he won't understand, he speaks out of ignorance, you're doing the best you can.

Distractions, acceptance and survival for now, remember it's not forever.

A life goal of mine, a place of my own, was firmly in reach. I turned away. A year later I'm here.

God had even given me a sign to let me apply for an April lease, but no, I declined to go on a road trip that never happened. I traded stability for a pipe dream and here I am. I'll never forgive myself. I really don't want to wake up anymore to have to face this. It's all my fault.

1 hour ago, Kahran said:

A life goal of mine, a place of my own, was firmly in reach. I turned away. A year later I'm here.

God had even given me a sign to let me apply for an April lease, but no, I declined to go on a road trip that never happened. I traded stability for a pipe dream and here I am. I'll never forgive myself. I really don't want to wake up anymore to have to face this. It's all my fault.

It's a life goal. There's plenty of life left relative to a year of setbacks.

That's not to dismiss your current state. Your current state involves plenty of suffering.

However, I am pointing out that you can recover and go and do the things you wanted to do. Please try to challenge the mindset of it being "over".

My family had an intervention with me today. I've truly just been spiraling down into a deeper hole everyday. I cannot seem to help myself in a non medicated way. The rumination just spills into everything and saps me. I'd rather be numbed out at this point.

Honestly, even that Angie letter isn't cutting it for me anymore. Despite all the side effects, I was still living the best two years of my life before I went CT. I was mildly depressed near the end but I was still on solid ground. I was a leader, a hard worker, a good friend. My life was where I mostly wanted it to be and could still figure where to grow. I think the times Igot depressed was when I just forgot a dose or 2 because when I caught up, everything was fine.

I seriously just do not see a light of the end of the tunnel. How can I have hope in such dark times, especially when its all self inflicted?

2 minutes ago, Kahran said:

I seriously just do not see a light of the end of the tunnel. How can I have hope in such dark times, especially when its all self inflicted?

You kind of answered your own question when you said its all self-inflicted. What you do to yourself can always be undone. I think on an intellectual level you realize you're not doing yourself any good constantly ruminating on every negative thought that enters your head, but the anxious/emotional part of your brain won't let go. Right now, the emotional part has control. If you work on acceptance and coping, it will lose power. I know and I others have said that before, but its true. There is no magic pill that will dig you out of this without another set of side effects or other consequences. To move forward, you need to work on creating a vision for recovery instead of falling into the rumination and self-blame trap.

1 hour ago, Kahran said:

My family had an intervention with me today. I've truly just been spiraling down into a deeper hole everyday. I cannot seem to help myself in a non medicated way. The rumination just spills into everything and saps me. I'd rather be numbed out at this point.

Honestly, even that Angie letter isn't cutting it for me anymore. Despite all the side effects, I was still living the best two years of my life before I went CT. I was mildly depressed near the end but I was still on solid ground. I was a leader, a hard worker, a good friend. My life was where I mostly wanted it to be and could still figure where to grow. I think the times Igot depressed was when I just forgot a dose or 2 because when I caught up, everything was fine.

I seriously just do not see a light of the end of the tunnel. How can I have hope in such dark times, especially when its all self inflicted?

The drugs may have given you a blur that you can seemingly live well @Kahran but the price is cruel and it always comes.

This depression you experienced is not because of missing a dose or 2 it is the wear and tear of the drug and the system's resistance to chemicals that disrupt the balance, take a look:

Remember, it is temporary, it may be long but it is still temporary, if you continue to carry the weight of withdrawal you will come out stronger than you can imagine.

32 minutes ago, Fullhealing said:

The drugs may have given you a blur that you can seemingly live well @Kahran but the price is cruel and it always comes.

This depression you experienced is not because of missing a dose or 2 it is the wear and tear of the drug and the system's resistance to chemicals that disrupt the balance, take a look:

Remember, it is temporary, it may be long but it is still temporary, if you continue to carry the weight of withdrawal you will come out stronger than you can imagine.

I watch Dr Josef a lot and agree with a lot of him. I can say that the Lexapro definitely wore off. What pissed me off is I did try to ask my psych to get off the Lexapro a few times, citing that I felt the Vyvanse was the real helper. But she insisted I stay on it. Like a dummy I accepted and didn't push back or question it. That was about a year on it, and I couldn't help but notice that after 2023, I felt more and more fatigued.

I just miss the old life man. Even 2025 when I was in withdrawal bad, I look back on it fondly. I wish I could've functioned better while on it and made better decisions. I feel like subconsciously, I really was doing everything I could to make myself feel better

25 minutes ago, Kahran said:

I watch Dr Josef a lot and agree with a lot of him. I can say that the Lexapro definitely wore off. What pissed me off is I did try to ask my psych to get off the Lexapro a few times, citing that I felt the Vyvanse was the real helper. But she insisted I stay on it. Like a dummy I accepted and didn't push back or question it. That was about a year on it, and I couldn't help but notice that after 2023, I felt more and more fatigued.

I just miss the old life man. Even 2025 when I was in withdrawal bad, I look back on it fondly. I wish I could've functioned better while on it and made better decisions. I feel like subconsciously, I really was doing everything I could to make myself feel better

You know, when we look back at times of suffering, the past always seems rosy even though it wasn't, mostly a deceptive memory, but in any case it's irrelevant, the past is over and done with and you have a chance for a much better life later on than a life on mind-numbing drugs that end up turning on you as it always does sooner or later.

I understand that it's brutal now but this is a passing phase, just keep surviving and you'll see how far and good you'll get @Kahran just believe in you.

Edited May 8May 8 by Fullhealing

The withdrawal was bad, I don't deny that. It was really bad and I didn't leave bed and wanted to off myself most days. Not unlike now to best honest, lol. I guess what made it okay was I was in my own apartment and could still be on my own and had a routine with my work. Even if eventually the routine at work was to avoid work as much as possible, which was probably the wrong move based on advice given here.

12 hours ago, Kahran said:

I just miss the old life man. Even 2025 when I was in withdrawal bad, I look back on it fondly. I wish I could've functioned better while on it and made better decisions. I feel like subconsciously, I really was doing everything I could to make myself feel better

The pattern of going through it, then worsening down the line and then beginning to improve again and then going on to recover is something I've personally observed in various support groups many times.

The only thing you can do is get through this worse bit.

Am I just fucked? I have been taking these drugs since I was 14 or so. Wouldn't these drugs on a developing mind change it permanently? I swear to god I cannot get myself to function anymore. I have work in 90 minutes and I still haven't even showered or got out of bed. I think I needed these meds. My life was so good on them. I might as well have killed myself when I went cold turkey.

Accept this? That me unfunctional is a symptom? That someday I'll heal?

I have to keep reminding myself that I'm this way more so because I went cold turkey off the Lexapro. But good lord, I keep thinking I need to get back on it. Despite everything said, I'm just so desperate for relief. This job so far has made me realize how much I truly did lose. I should have never gone off it.

Hang in there! If you were fine without it, then you can be fine again after quitting. Sure, you might have done things that you regret, but it doesn't seem like it was all lexapro induced. You were already burnt out from your job even with the lexapro and felt better on leave. Maybe you could've toughed it up on drugs... But it's kinda sad that jobs and management are so bad that we need to put substances into our brain to cope.

Life is ups and downs, and it's easy to obsess over the past. The things that were, what could've been... This might sound weird, but you remind me a bit of my ex, the girl I broke up with 4-5 months into withdrawal. The person I got closest to ever, so much so I considered her my soulmate. She also had ADHD, but was tough as nails. Never medicated for anything. But she also suffered from what you suffer. Ruminating over mistakes in the past, being prone to anger, self hatred... Little fun fact I even nicknamed her "Grumpy gremlin" on discord. Despite that, she accomplished so many things on her own. Moving out of her home country on her own, becoming independent, finding a place to live, amazing friends, studying, getting a job. I was envious of her. Yet she kept talking herself down, saying she was retarded because of ADHD, that will never accomplish a thing... Totally blind to all she did and continued to do. To be fair she also hated her job amongst other things, but yeah.

Anyway, just wanna let you know that it'll be okay and you're not alone. You might have fallen from grace now, but so many of us share the struggle. You can take me as an example, sadly I've been gifted by a bad case of withdrawal with every symptom in the book and lost a lot in the process. I felt good enough this afternoon and managed to lift some dumbbells for 5 minutes, I can now feel my burning nose and scrambled thoughts return, so I might not have much more lucidity for the day, week, or who knows.

But yeah, I'm rambling and I don't make sense. Life can be cruel like that. I never had much myself, even on lexapro I lived a miserable life. Friends, family, studies and job, health, you name it. I always tried to do the right thing and ended up being irrelevant, being trampled over, used, abused, injured both physically and mentally. It helped me numb me down, yes. But I also felt like a robot when sad things happened and I was just a poker face. Now tears are falling as I remember, reflect and look back on it all. But despite all that, carrying all my regrets and baggage, at some point I reached the best. I found my opportunity. Just by living, using apps to meet people online, I found someone which would grow from stranger, to partner and now ex. She gave me great ideas and did some courses online with resources I found online. I joined a bootcamp sponsored by a company from my zone and landed the job as one of the, if not the top performer. Coworkers and bosses alike loved me and held me in high esteem, I was social with amazing friends, got money to buy cool tech gadgets, a kick scooter, an expensive Trek mountain bike, I was fit, tapered Lexapro and didn't even notice being in withdrawal... And then life happened. Got a bacteria, took super strong antibiotics, went back on lexapro, took every PPI med in the book (with some interacting with lexapro), took all kinds of painkillers and some prokinetics to figure out why I felt so bad suddenly... And here I am now, free of all drugs trying to find my chance to rise back from the ashes.

If I made it once, me with my low self esteem and being a very late bloomer, so can you. Looking back it all looks very perfect, but thinking about it, I can remember having fights with my partner, flying abroad and having a bad time wishing I never left, being frustrated at my job because I was giving it my all, but my pay raises were equal to other "lesser" coworkers... So yeah. I suppose that even the bad has a silver lining, and not all good is quite perfect. Live life day by day, look for opportunities, try to find things that bring you life. Meeting people, going out, enjoying your hobbies, looking for job offers or courses either in person or online... Try to stay away from places that remind you of it all. I try to do so, I would usually post here once or twice a month, but sadly I've been hit so bad out of the blue that I ain't got the capacity to do much else. Otherwise I'd go do errands, go out or exercise, be productive around the home, learn a language or a new subject, chat to people online, scroll social media and acquire new memes to my collection, hang out with friends on discord, play a videogame, listen to music, learn an instrument...

Sorry it's all very generic advice. My ex hated my advice because it wasn't compatible with her ADHD, or at least that was her claim. I hope you can get out of this dark place soon, sadly we all get tested by life on occasion to get some character growth out of it. We have to appreciate the little things while we hold out the storm, for brighter days can definitely come.

Edited May 9May 9 by ALonelySoul12
little fun fact added there

Another day, another mental breakdown. I really appreciate the post @ALonelySoul12 . I really want you to succeed more than anyone. You remind me of myself and there is still a lot of hope for you even if you don't believe it.

As for me, I think its genuinely over unless I reinstate something like Celexa. I seriously cannot take another day freaking out in my car or going through the day miserable. I can't enjoy life even when surrounded by beauty and friends. I ruined everything by CTing and I cannot get it back. I had everything going and its all gone.

I'm seriously at my wit's end here.

We've discussed how reinstating is risky but at this point, I'm so incredibly desperate for some relief. It all feels too late anyways. But I keep getting told by my mom and her friend who is a psych its the only way. I just dont know who to trust anymore, not even myself.

Why "reinstate" Celexa when you haven't taken it for more than 4 years, and even that was on and off use?

IF you reinstate (which I do not recommend), I would suggest starting with absolute smallest dose possible.

I'll also point out that you took ativan earlier this year and spent lots of energy on that being a huge mistake and worsening you.

Ah, I thought Celexa was essentially a lesser Lexapro? I'm being pressured by my family to take it since frankly, I'm not doing too well. Honestly, I'm freaking out and melting down nearly everyday. Yeah, I know the past is the past but it had so much effect on what's happening today.

Moving back in with my parents was the worst mistake frankly. It's hard to even want to do anything. Though to be honest, I think I wasn't doing much in my apartment either. But at least I had the ability to do stuff privately. It's just so frustrating to have an apartment you liked be in front of you, and not take it. I keep hitting myself because I could've taken it before the date I decided to quit my job that summer and take an ill-fated road trip.

I feel like if I took that apartment, I'd be "locked in" and had to make things work out at my job. At any cost, which probably would've meant reinstating...or something I'm really not sure. I have no idea if it was a motivation or withdrawal thing for me. Though many people constantly report having so much trouble working and focusing. Even Vyvanse was not working for me.

Then the regret just switches to going cold turkey in the first place, and not reinstating. And ya'll have of heard this before. This whole thread is just a loop of my mind, lol. I didn't bitch this much when I was on Lexapro.

Frankly, even I'm getting scared of myself. Are these meltdowns even withdrawal related or just some like intense grief? It's just constantly getting into a pattern of saying "No! NO NO!" or "Why did I do x?". And just getting that energy out through any physical means I can. I can't seem to connect with anyone anymore. Mother's Day today was exceptionally hard, I could not fake it for the life of me. I spent most of it locked in the bathroom on the floor. This is some pathetic shit after writing this.

My mom's words of "you need something to dig yourself out of this hole" is becoming more and more apparent.

But even my memories of taking these meds back in 2018 didn't do anything. I was in a severe hole then, regretting the past. God, why do I have to make these retarded, life destroying decisions?? Religious people keep telling me that being stripped down like this is a way to get closer to God, whatever that means. "Be grateful that I'm alive." I'm realizing that I wasn't grateful of my old job and it's perks and now I'm being punished for it. It's crazy how there are people much less fortunate than I yet are much happier in their lot in life. Maybe they didn't get poisoned by meds? I could never answer the question of why I'm so chronically unhappy.