@Kahran I'm sure you will eventually recover from this Setback.

The truth is, you have to stand on your own, most people don't care about you, and don't know what those drugs do besides short term studies on healthy people with non destabilized nervous systems.

You have to be the one saving yourself, others simply don't care and try to 'fix' the problem on their end. You have to be the one deciding, and not falling for pressure.

Edited August 3Aug 3 by Lighty

Sounds like a very difficult situation. Do you have a therapist who can help? I can understand if you’re angry and feeling betrayed by your parents. Having someone to support you may help.

2 hours ago, Kahran said:

I got over those sensations in like 2 weeks but then that fucking psych appointment happened.

Hopefully you'll start to notice that the effects of the drugs taken more recently are also fading.

5 hours ago, Luke said:

Hopefully you'll start to notice that the effects of the drugs taken more recently are also fading.

I feel like that Seroquel literally punched all the motivation and drive out of me. Whatever was left anyways. Who knew something that blocks dopamine could do that.

I do notice some of the more immediate effects of the Lamictal are gone. I think for the first month I was literally brought to my knees as my muscles just randomly contracted/relaxed. The blurred/distorted vision are the biggest detractors.

Both of caused a complete destruction of confidence but I'd argue that was already happening since March.

I'm just so sorry to everyone in my life. I had to fuck everything up by reinstating in March. I don't know if it was just improper support or a personal failure to enforce boundaries but everything now just feels completely unfixable. I was going in the right path to get my life back together in February but I let my stupid anxious mind trick itself into needing Lexapro. I was meant for so much more and now it feels impossible to ever get back there.

11 minutes ago, Kahran said:

I'm just so sorry to everyone in my life. I had to fuck everything up by reinstating in March. I don't know if it was just improper support or a personal failure to enforce boundaries but everything now just feels completely unfixable. I was going in the right path to get my life back together in February but I let my stupid anxious mind trick itself into needing Lexapro. I was meant for so much more and now it feels impossible to ever get back there.

I know you know this already, but the self blame isn’t helping. Many of us on here have made mistakes on this journey but that doesn’t mean we can’t recover. It’s important to try to look forward instead of backwards. It may be a long journey, but you will heal.

42 minutes ago, SarahMc said:

I know you know this already, but the self blame isn’t helping. Many of us on here have made mistakes on this journey but that doesn’t mean we can’t recover. It’s important to try to look forward instead of backwards. It may be a long journey, but you will heal.

Most of us here have fallen into this trap so you are certainly not alone.

As @SarahMc wisely noted, forward not backward, the past cannot be fixed but only learned from for the future which will be determined by current actions so just continue to survive and apply the tools that have been given to you as much as you can and you will reach far beyond your imagination.

Edited August 4Aug 4 by Fullhealing

I did finally get home to my parents house. It feels very strange. My old dog came up to me and kissed me and was excited to see me, when I was almost disinterested to see him. It's...really a shame. I love that cockapoo.

I tried playing some games today. The blurry vision may actually be going away. My main issue seems to be more cognition than anything. I feel more retarded/less skilled when playing games. I'll explore more tomorrow on non gaming activities.

The big detractor is my sexual side. I can still cum but it's like 1/10th of what it used to be. Damn shame... Friends and I used to make crazy supplement concoctions on whos load would be biggest. Maybe time for another day.

As far as what to do now...I did have ideas to make content. I did want to stream content as I wish I always had. I lost my job and future jog prospects look pretty grim at the moment. I also had a random idea for making a Withdrawal Support group on Discord? I'm not sure what would be the benefit there other than just like having a place to have a live meltdown? Or just talk amongst each other.

Maybe God chose me to the be the punished for a reason...Parent's will agree to stay completely out of my way. At times, I don't blame them. I was going pretty fucking crazy and was probably saying some inane shit about how "its the meds!!!".

Glad you are home @Kahran I hope things settle for you there and your parents can give you the space and respect you need to heal now.

I really don't know. This set back is too huge. At least with that reinstatement of Lexapro, it was just emotional turmoil. I still had my windows even throughout the day. This is just torture 24/7. If I had just posted here for advice, or just said no the psychiatrist or literally fucking anything other than put more pills in my mouth, this all could've been avoided.

2026 was supposed to be my year man...

The past is over. You have lots of options for your future--think about possibilities instead of past problems. There is no value in self-blame.

18 minutes ago, Kahran said:

I really don't know. This set back is too huge. At least with that reinstatement of Lexapro, it was just emotional turmoil. I still had my windows even throughout the day. This is just torture 24/7. If I had just posted here for advice, or just said no the psychiatrist or literally fucking anything other than put more pills in my mouth, this all could've been avoided.

2026 was supposed to be my year man...

i get that it sucks, but you can't change the past, you might be in a serious setback for a while sure, but you can change the future with careful actions, it's more important to focus on making 2027 or 2028 or any other future year better, and not do any more future mistakes, rather than overfocusing on past mistakes that you cannot change.

If you choose life and want to get better, you have to work your way through it, fight and deal with the long war, and you will slowly get the pay off with your life becoming better, and being able to do more things.

I know myself I have chosen life, and I don't care how long the struggle is, how hard, how much suffering, I will win.

it's all temporary, in 10 years I will barely remember anything of the day to day I go through today, if any, I personally barely remember stuff from the first half of 2025, so imagine remembering something from 10 years ago, gonna be a non existent long forgotten memory.

Edited August 5Aug 5 by Lighty

I genuinely want to shoot myself for being so stupid and weak for succumbing to my parents. This is unimaginably horrible. Before, it was just uncontrollable rage and sadness. EMOTIONS. Now, it's just my eyes feeling chemically burned, inability to sleep with ambien, toes twitching, nose feeling weird, dick feeling completely broken. I go outside and its my front lawn, but its not. It's not my front lawn. Is that Derealization/Depersonalization?

And these drugs were supposed to be the cure. Why did I fall for the easiest manipulation tactic? Why did I get treated as if I was a pet with no autonomy? Why didn't I just fucking up and leave? I had money! I HAD MONEY.

I don't know if I can hold on. I really don't. The future is incredibly bleak for me now.

Edited August 10Aug 10 by Kahran

3 hours ago, Kahran said:

I genuinely want to shoot myself for being so stupid and weak for succumbing to my parents. This is unimaginably horrible. Before, it was just uncontrollable rage and sadness. EMOTIONS. Now, it's just my eyes feeling chemically burned, inability to sleep with ambien, toes twitching, nose feeling weird, dick feeling completely broken. I go outside and its my front lawn, but its not. It's not my front lawn. Is that Derealization/Depersonalization?

And these drugs were supposed to be the cure. Why did I fall for the easiest manipulation tactic? Why did I get treated as if I was a pet with no autonomy? Why didn't I just fucking up and leave? I had money! I HAD MONEY.

I don't know if I can hold on. I really don't. The future is incredibly bleak for me now.

Yes, it sounds like what I'd refer to as derealisation. I often feel like the world's off kilter, or everything around me is not quite right.

7 hours ago, Kahran said:

I don't know if I can hold on. I really don't. The future is incredibly bleak for me now.

it's not bleak, just cause it's very bad right now doesn't mean it will be like that in 10 years, you got enough years ahead of you, you can heal. don't believe your symptoms and negative thoughts, they are lying to you, just do as you need to do. ❤️

Hopefully this setback will be just that- a setback that does improve in the coming weeks or months. There's a reasonable chance of this, I think.

If I was living alone, this set back would've never happened. I immediately said after that psych meeting that I didn't want to take those meds after looking at what they were. But, my boomer parents basically told me to get out in 2 weeks and guilt tripped the fuck out of me. It felt completely dehumanizing like I was their pet. I'm just a dumbass falling for shitty manipulation tactics and suffering for it greatly.

One thing that was curious is at the psych hospital stay, they diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder. I've read through a lot of the symptoms and I have to actually agree on this.

What I'm not sure is, what is caused by the medication and what is just there beneath the surface? I've always had low sense of self and tricky relationships. Even in my best shape, I was felt pretty worthless and not enough. When my friend, who didn't know anything at the time, railed into me on February about not doing anything for work or hobbies, it made me feel really worthless. I think his intent was to cheer me up but all it really did was spiral me down. I've let a lot of people's words basically ruin me. Is it cause I fear that they'll abandon me? That was probably why I was coerced twice into reinstating and then taking this Lamictal/Seroquel.

I'm just ******* tired and ashamed I basically reset the timer many times over since March.

Edited August 10Aug 10 by Kahran

@Kahran BPD is usually diagnosed on behavioural patterns. Is this your usual state or has it only been since you’ve started tapering? It often stems from childhood trauma. Psychiatrists like to hand out labels (they are not really diagnoses like bodily ailments which involve objective data == clear biological pathophysiological causes). If you’re up to it it’s worth reading, or finding something on YouTube about the history of the DSM. It’s enlightening. It’s likely you’re in a very distressed state due to psychiatric drugs and WD. The last thing you need is another label.

17 minutes ago, Catbird said:

@Kahran BPD is usually diagnosed on behavioural patterns. Is this your usual state or has it only been since you’ve started tapering? It often stems from childhood trauma. Psychiatrists like to hand out labels (they are not really diagnoses like bodily ailments which involve objective data == clear biological pathophysiological causes). If you’re up to it it’s worth reading, or finding something on YouTube about the history of the DSM. It’s enlightening. It’s likely you’re in a very distressed state due to psychiatric drugs and WD. The last thing you need is another label.

It's really hard to say, since I've been on meds for awhile. But I'd say even when I was on meds and stabilized, I had these feelings.

8 hours ago, Kahran said:

It's really hard to say, since I've been on meds for awhile. But I'd say even when I was on meds and stabilized, I had these feelings.

Feelings ans emotions are present for a reason and act as signals to let you know what's happening then you can decide to act on them or not. Behaviours are acting out different emotions and or physical distress. If your actions seem different from how you've received yourself in the past then it could be situational — an it sure sounds like you've been dealing with a lot — not necessarily that you have borderline personality disorder.

Just to add to what @Catbird is saying, the DSM is arbitrary labels made up of clusters of subjective behaviours and reported symptoms, that is then voted on by committee.

The committee that votes on them overwhelmingly have conflicts of interest, financial interests in selling pharmaceuticals etc:

Undisclosed financial conflicts of interest in DSM-5-TR: cross sectional analysis | The BMJ

A Comparison of DSM-IV and DSM-5 Panel Members' Financial Associations with Industry: A Pernicious Problem Persists - PMC

Note also that the latest version of the DSM, the DSM-5 made a large number of corrections to contradictions it included between different disorders contained in it when it was first published in 2013 and this is pulled from a pro-psychiatry source praising the DSM-5 and downplaying conflicts of interest:

"Hence, the primary purpose of this revision of DSM-5 was to update the text to reflect the latest knowledge in psychiatry since the publication of DSM-5 in 2013. As the process was underway, to the extent that contradictions were identified in several of the criteria themselves, those were corrected, wording was updated, and changes previously approved as part of the DSM’s iterative revision process were added."

Integrity Is Built Into the Process of Developing DSM-5-TR | Psychiatric News

Psychiatrists were happily diagnosing people based off of a manual and diagnostic criteria that contradicted itself in multiple places. These disorders are just subjective names that are invented and voted on by a committee of fallible people, often people who make money from inventing them.

My behavior was and is definitely pretty bad. It's probably what led to my parents being so concerned. It's horrible but I couldn't seem to help myself but act on it. Feelings of shame lead to me becoming angry (yelling, screaming, banging stuff). Feelings of anxiety led to me pacing, hyperventilating, and just freaking out.

What sucks is that before I tried that reinstatement in March, I think I was doing okay with my behaviors. I had a bit more positive self-talk and ideas to do. It was only when introducing drugs like Ativan thanks to my mother (and me not really knowing better at the time) and Vyvanse (which helped with focus but I wonder if it made more anxious) that my coping skills started to fall apart. I think the final blow was that reinstatement which just seemed to lock me in a loop I couldn't escape and became extremely agitated.

It's one of those things where I'm not sure if therapy would've really helped. I knew concepts of CBT therapy before and I would always be able to turn it back on itself if that makes sense? Maybe it would've helped before reinstating. My mind was in a "better" place back then before it was completely stuck in doom mode. Not sure if it could help now, everything feels so screwed beyond repair.

But then again, I guess being in withdrawal doesn't excuse you from acting like a maniac. I think that's my biggest mistake; not being stoic and letting my feelings dictate my behaviors. Everything was really totally fine yet I was felt like the world was ending. That self-fulfilling prophecy may actually come true.

Don't beat yourself up. These meds change our nervous system and you can't blame yourself for what you did while you were using them and in WD. But you can build on the knowledge you've gained to help your recovery in the future.

8 minutes ago, mstimc60 said:

you can't blame yourself for what you did while you were using them and in WD

Tell that to my family. Literally the first sign of depression, my mom wants me to hop on pills. It's all to dig myself out of a whole when all it did was create a bigger ditch.