16 minutes ago, mstimc60 said:

Ask yourself what you'll do if you stay home. Will you sit at home and ruminate on your problems? If you go the marathon it'll force you to focus on something else and rob the ruminations of their power. You may not enjoy it as much as you might, but it would be exponentially better than staying where you are mentally.

Somehow the ruminations break through. These events don't seem to force me enough which is why I haven't been going to as many. I can't understate how deep rooted these ruminations are. It is absolute fucking hell for me.

6 hours ago, Kahran said:

Are you saying even if I tried tapering, things would still be the same? I shouldve tapered because these 17 months or whatever now have passed anyways and maybe Id still have an apartment and job. Maybe Id still interest in things.

Lots of people do everything right and still crash and end up in hell.

I reinstated in the window and it's been 3.5+ years and I still am dealing with all the fallout. It is an unknown that none of us can predict. You might have been worse, you might have had an adverse reaction to reinstatement. There is just no point in going down the what if rabbit hole. Maybe if I wouldn't have reinstated, I would be further ahead in my healing....

We just have to accept where we are right now and work within that. It is our choice to let this cause us to stumble or to learn and use it as a stepping stone.

One thing suggested in CBT is to write out glimmers everyday, no matter how small. Also commend ourselves with "good for you's" no matter how small the accomplishment.

We need to celebrate the fact that we are still standing after what we have been through. One day at a time, change what we can, accept what we can't. 🙏❤️

In my heart of hearts, I think I would've been back to normal. There were periods where I forgot to take it for 1 to 3 days and went back to normal afterwards. The "normal" being drugged but functional.

I might honestly reconsider the reinstatement and just deal with the side effects. There was one window in that week long experiment. I genuinely don't know how long I can keep this up, or if that brief experiment is what fucked me to begin with.

I seriously can't even get myself to do basic care things. It's flat out embarrassing

1 hour ago, Kahran said:

In my heart of hearts, I think I would've been back to normal. There were periods where I forgot to take it for 1 to 3 days and went back to normal afterwards. The "normal" being drugged but functional.

I might honestly reconsider the reinstatement and just deal with the side effects. There was one window in that week long experiment. I genuinely don't know how long I can keep this up, or if that brief experiment is what fucked me to begin with.

I seriously can't even get myself to do basic care things. It's flat out embarrassing

If you are considering reinstatement, just please follow chippy’s advice and start incredibly low. 🙏

A break from the doomposting.

Out of desperation for some relief, I took a 5mg of Ambien. It's...uncanny how functional I feel at the moment. I usually save these for night but I just wanted SOMETHING. This is obviously not a good long term solution. Merely an observation. Maybe I've been withdrawing from these as well? This whole thing is a mess, lol.

I guess you can't edit after sometime. But uh...that window I acted normal. I was able to do things without it being a huge effort. It was pretty scary, that drug usually makes you loopy. I must be tolerating it differently now.

It's a tricky situation, especially after that window. I really don't want to be popping Ambien's to feel normal. But that normal feeling was...great. I could talk like I used to talk with the same inflections. I was me again.

I gotta sleep for the volunteering. Ill report back how that went.

@Kahran I speak out of concern. What you experienced wasn't a window. Windows are signs of neurological healing. What you had was a drug in your system, which, like many drugs, gave temporary pleasant feelings but one that causes neurological injury in the long run and can cause kindling. I am worried that you are on a slippery slope here, chasing a feeling that your brain is not naturally ready for. You absolutely need to accept this withdrawal, not try to outrun it with other drugs. I only say this because I am quite worried for you.

@Kahran Please be careful. RI is serious business. It’s risky. Each time you do it and stop again, you are complicating your situation. Also additional drugs is also a complication. If you have been taking ambien regularly you could be dependent on it.

I know things are bad for you, but things can be worse, if we don’t respect the power of these drugs and understand the impact of kindling on our nervous system.

17 hours ago, Kahran said:

There had to have been a way to get off this easier than I chose. I can't accept that I chose to go cold turkey.

To be brutally honest with you:

You have to.

You cannot go back more than a year and change what happened. That was 14/15 months ago regardless if whether you handle it well now or not.

Pretty much everyone here, and close to everyone on SA were in these groups because they found out the hard way that these drugs are dangerous and they made decisions with incomplete information that harmed them. That's not their fault, that's not your fault, but at this stage it just doesn't matter anymore.

All there is is pushing through to recovery, and it is highly likely that you will recover in time.

All you can do is try to make that time go by as best you can, whilst doing what you can to make it better, if you can. You'll likely recover in time if you beat yourself up every day anyway, but it would ideally be better not to, for your own sake.

Oh god, the symptoms are back. I think I fucked up big time. Panic is really ensuing now.

I'm now worried I've actively sabotaged my recovery. Im starting to wonder if some other things I did before I started posting here has fucked me up as well. I didn't have such insane panic like this until after like March or February.

I remember taking an 0.5mg Ativan given to my mother thinking one wouldnt hurt. Could that shit have kindled me back in February? Oh fuck see this whole symptoms started when my friend gave me a reality check about my situation and I was stressed as hell from that. So much I panicked a lot. I think I made it worse from calm me downs. I was more just down in the dumps/disconnected then.

Edited April 20Apr 20 by Kahran

8 minutes ago, Kahran said:

Oh god, the symptoms are back. I think I fucked up big time. Panic is really ensuing now.

I'm now worried I've actively sabotaged my recovery. Im starting to wonder if some other things I did before I started posting here has fucked me up as well. I didn't have such insane panic like this until after like March or February.

I remember taking an 0.5mg Ativan given to my mother thinking one wouldnt hurt. Could that shit have kindled me back in February?

All these chemicals have great potential to do this @Kahran especially when you are in the midst of a process with hypersensitive system.

I'm sorry to say but there are no quick fixes and certainly not in pill form..

Don't beat yourself up, it's irrelevant what was, see how you are climbing up now slowly through acceptance and much less resistance 🙏

Okay yes. However I do notice a stark difference from before Feb 4th or so to after. I felt like Ive gotten worse before. I had non drug windows before then. I cant say Ive had one since. That trip was interesting cause I did forget my Ambien that night. So maybe I was definitely a little more irritable getting that talk.

But it really makes me wonder if mum's calm me downs actively made me worse. I only took 1 for a bad morning.

Shit, how do I move from here?

6 minutes ago, Kahran said:

Okay yes. However I do notice a stark difference from before Feb 4th or so to after. I felt like Ive gotten worse before. I had non drug windows before then. I cant say Ive had one since. That trip was interesting cause I did forget my Ambien that night. So maybe I was definitely a little more irritable getting that talk.

But it really makes me wonder if mum's calm me downs actively made me worse. I only took 1 for a bad morning.

Shit, how do I move from here?

Keep surviving the moment as you do and work hard on acceptance and positive distraction, no other way 🙏

those fucking lorazepam's. i think they fuckin did me in. im sorry i left this out but i totally forgot about them till just now. I didn't put the two and two together.

seriously, i dont think i had akathesia like this until after i took one or after that talk with my friend. i cant remember but i remember the mornings becoming extremely anxious after that talk. I havent taken any since i didnt like how they made me feel. just knocked out and brain glitchy. but could only 2 or 3 fuck you up like that?

oh man ive really overcomplicated this badly. I'm feeling extremely lost and hopeless now. Maybe it explains my behavior on here better...

10 minutes ago, Kahran said:

those fucking lorazepam's. i think they fuckin did me in. im sorry i left this out but i totally forgot about them till just now. I didn't put the two and two together.

seriously, i dont think i had akathesia like this until after i took one or after that talk with my friend. i cant remember but i remember the mornings becoming extremely anxious after that talk. I havent taken any since i didnt like how they made me feel. just knocked out and brain glitchy. but could only 2 or 3 fuck you up like that?

oh man ive really overcomplicated this badly. I'm feeling extremely lost and hopeless now. Maybe it explains my behavior on here better...

It doesn't matter now, what matters is that our system knows how to heal wonderfully and that's what it's doing with full force which is expressed in your symptoms.

I see how it bites you strongly, my heart goes out to you but you MUST learn to let go of a dead past and work on acceptance, again, it's all temporary.

Edited April 20Apr 20 by Fullhealing

@Kahran you really don't need another thing to be angry at yourself for. Time to stop. Take a minute. And think hard about your plan of attack now.

You have to stop thinking about recovery from 12/14 months now. Your system has been further destablised from a series of other Psych meds, Ativan, RI of Lexapro attempt, occassional use of Ambien. All these things have likley complicated things for you. But what is done is done.

The healing STARTS now. Ground zero.

So. No more additional drugs. No more blaming yourself. Just focus on one day at a time. It will likley be a bit rough for a while. Look how many others are here, having it a bit rough currently! Take a leaf out of their book, turn the ship around.

You are going to be ok! We are all here for you in the process. But no more regret! It isn't getting you anywhere! Please don't make all this, the new thing you beat yourself up with! We have all made mistakes in our lifes! Lots of them. Slate is clean, as of now. 😀

15 minutes ago, Chippy said:

@Kahran you really don't need another thing to be angry at yourself for. Time to stop. Take a minute. And think hard about your plan of attack now.

You have to stop thinking about recovery from 12/14 months now. Your system has been further destablised from a series of other Psych meds, Ativan, RI of Lexapro attempt, occassional use of Ambien. All these things have likley complicated things for you. But what is done is done.

The healing STARTS now. Ground zero.

So. No more additional drugs. No more blaming yourself. Just focus on one day at a time. It will likley be a bit rough for a while. Look how many others are here, having it a bit rough currently! Take a leaf out of their book, turn the ship around.

You are going to be ok! We are all here for you in the process. But no more regret! It isn't getting you anywhere! Please don't make all this, the new thing you beat yourself up with! We have all made mistakes in our lifes! Lots of them. Slate is clean, as of now. 😀

💯 This!! ☝️

You are right @Chippy . This is life now. It's going to be hell but I must go through it. The past me is gone, but there is no reason I can't be reborn into something more whole.

If I have to lose more to regain myself, then that's life. At the end, there will be a good life story, yeah?

1 minute ago, Kahran said:

You are right @Chippy . This is life now. It's going to be hell but I must go through it. The past me is gone, but there is no reason I can't be reborn into something more whole.

If I have to lose more to regain myself, then that's life. At the end, there will be a good life story, yeah?

Print this out! Put it in the wall!

There will 100% be a good life story!!!!!! I'll be reading your success story on here, of that I have no doubt!

6 minutes ago, Kahran said:

If I have to lose more to regain myself, then that's life. At the end, there will be a good life story, yeah?

yeah, you can take wd, and make it change your life for the better, it made me spiritual again, god put me through this so i will become spiritual as im supposed to (and a mentor as well, i feel that's my destiny)

Managed to get through the volunteering today. But now that everything is calm, I'm fearful of the path. After that weekend in February, my friend gave me a reality check about my job situation which really threw me into an anxious wreck. Before that, I was mostly a functioning depressed person. My mother saw how distressed I was afterward and offered a lorazepam and I guess in my panicked state I took it. I can't remember if it was before or after. Theres no point really fighting that though.

Whats the best way of dealing with akathesia? It's the panic that gets me now.

I'm sorry it took so long for me to realize acceptance. I was looping that in my head today. It helps prevent further silly bargaining decisions like what I've been doing.

1 minute ago, Kahran said:

Whats the best way of dealing with akathesia? It's the panic that gets me now.

I'm sorry it took so long for me to realize acceptance. I was looping that in my head today. It helps prevent further silly bargaining decisions like what I've been doing.

Nothing to be sorry about, @Kahran . Withdrawal can really mess with your thought process.

As for the akathisia, my suggestion would be to get up and move to burn off the physical energy. Our physical and mental systems work together to put us in fight or flight mode, and when there is no real danger, that energy needs somewhere to go. If it can't find anything productive, it'll manifest as more anxiety. So burning it off is very helpful. Even doing laps around your house will help. Its better if you go outside for a walk and make a conscious effort to name the things you see, but any activity will help.

Hey @Kahran

Glad the day went ok.

I know it’s hard once the distractions are gone and the mind goes back to searching for things to latch onto. Don’t be angry at yourself for this. It’s ok. Each time you feel that worry or fear, just remind yourself this is just wd, your body is amazing, it will recover.

I’m really impressed with how you’ve figured all this out now. It’s great to see. I’m sure there will be some hard days ahead, but you won’t be alone, and you are more than capable of dealing with what comes your way.

My advice would be to avoid as much as possible, situations that are stressful, and conversation and advice from those who don’t and cannot understand what you are going through. We have to protect ourselves in wd.

It is just withdrawal.

It's just definitely uncanny. I'll add these to my signature cause I think its significant. I think the stress of applying and not getting jobs at that time really drove me to try to numb myself out without thinking of the consequences. Ah jeez, I set myself back a lot. These drugs are really just the definition of borrowed time. Anxious? Take this to numb it out for now, but it must be paid back later, with interest.

Edited April 20Apr 20 by Kahran

1 minute ago, Kahran said:

These drugs are really just the definition of borrowed time. Anxious? Take this to numb it out for now, but it must be paid back later, with interest.

Yes! Anxiety can't be "cured" by medication anymore than aspirin can cure a sprained ankle. Aspirin might blunt the pain but unless you give your ankle a rest and proper care, it'll never get better. Meds mask the symptoms of anxiety but don't address its roots. It takes time and effort, but we can learn coping strategies to manage anxiety and make it no more than a minor annoyance. You've already taken a huge step by accepting that more drugs aren't the answer. You're on the right path!