Hi again,

 

Sorry in advance to anyone who actually reads this, this is probably going to be a really long rant. I just feel like I need to say this somewhere, because it’s been over a month again of things being bad.

 

Maybe not bad all the time though. About a week ago I actually thought I was stepping into a window again and this past week has been a bit better overall. Not perfect or symptom-free or anything, but just a bit lighter and it's been easier for me to not engage in rumination and my mood has been quite ok. But now it feels like I’m slipping back again.

 

I mean yeah, I’m definitely better than I was during the acute phase last summer when I was on the medication. But it feels like I haven’t made any major progress since last September. And back then I’d only been off the meds for about two months. I don’t understand, I thought things were supposed to be clearly better by now.

 

My mind keeps looping this same thought over and over: what if this isn’t withdrawal anymore? What if this is just me and my OCD? Like this is who I actually am. It’s constant. And then it turns into feeling like it’s my fault somehow, like I’m maintaining this with my own behavior, even though I genuinely don’t know what else I could be doing differently. I’m in therapy and I’m doing ERP as well as I can. I really am trying.

 

Sometimes I get these waves of really bitter thoughts about my life before any of this started and especially before I had any mental health issues at all. But especially about the time when I first took the medication and felt completely fine. I get so bitter thinking about that. Sometimes I catch myself wishing I had never stopped taking it. Even though I understand things differently now. I also keep having thoughts like, should I just start something like Prozac again. And nope, definitely not doin that but when you’re desperate, your mind just goes there.

 

And something that makes this even harder is that when I’m on this forum, it helps remind me that this could be withdrawal-related. But outside of here, I’m constantly seeing mental health content and comments from people who haven’t experienced anything like this. And everything is so simplified, like “just go talk to a doctor and get help. 🙂💕” There’s even mental health campaigns here in Finland about “just seek help, you have the right for that” and I just feel like… that doesn’t apply to me. What help even is there, just more medication?

 

I feel so jealous of other people who can just live normally. And because all my symptoms are mental (not physical at all), it makes it so much harder to believe this is caused by anything external. It just feels like this is who I am, like this is what mental illness is and I’m just stuck like this. It feels like I have no option but to suffer.

 

And on the outside everything looks fine. I’m fully functional. I go to work, I do normal things, no one would ever guess anything is wrong. But inside I just feel dead. And then I read stories here from people who are much worse off, and it makes me think, can this even be withdrawal if I’m still functioning?

 

Sorry, this turned into such a long rant. I know things can fluctuate, I do know that, but this is just so incredibly hard to deal with constantly. And I feel stupid for thinking in the fall that I was making that much progress.

  

I’m actually going out to karaoke with coworkers tonight, so hopefully that’ll distract me a bit. And I’m traveling this weekend to visit a friend on the other side of the country, so maybe that’ll help too. But yeah, I just really needed to get this out.

 

Hopefully my next update is not this depressive lol 😄

Hey @VeraVa Your among friends here. You know as much as anyone wd can fluctuate. You know the healing process can be longer then we would like. And you know it is very non linear. 
 

Don’t be worried about thinking you were closer than you are, this happens often. I’ve seen many have this happen to them. In time this will all get easier.

 

Dont get drawn into what society or social media or advertising is saying. They just aren’t knowledgeable enough to understand. Unfortunately many of them will find out, in time, when they too get harmed by these drugs. I wish it wasn’t the case but they are all ticking time bombs. 
 

Im also not that typical with my symptoms either. I lost a lot of the typical ones around 8 months out. But I know me and this isn’t it!

You’ll get yourself back eventually. 

 

Wishing you well

 

Chippy 

When I read texts like these, I have little to say. I wish I could hear it in person and tell you in my softest and kindest voice; I understand, I don't think there's much you or I can do about it, but I understand. 

 

I would be quite contented to be in your presence, to dwell with a feeling of recognition and compassion. Unfortunately the internet is just an intangable wall of text.

Edited April 9Apr 9 by Vince
Spacing

13 hours ago, Chippy said:

Hey @VeraVa Your among friends here. You know as much as anyone wd can fluctuate. You know the healing process can be longer then we would like. And you know it is very non linear. 
 

Don’t be worried about thinking you were closer than you are, this happens often. I’ve seen many have this happen to them. In time this will all get easier.

 

Dont get drawn into what society or social media or advertising is saying. They just aren’t knowledgeable enough to understand. Unfortunately many of them will find out, in time, when they too get harmed by these drugs. I wish it wasn’t the case but they are all ticking time bombs. 
 

Im also not that typical with my symptoms either. I lost a lot of the typical ones around 8 months out. But I know me and this isn’t it!

You’ll get yourself back eventually. 

 

Wishing you well

 

Chippy 

Thanks, Chippy.

 

I guess it’s just better not to set any expectations or timelines in your head when things are ”supposed” to improve. Last fall I was sure that by spring this would all be just a distant memory. I guess it takes as long as it takes.

 

Btw, it’s great to hear that many of your symptoms have eased. I’m sure the rest will too. Funny thing, when you read other people’s stories, you automatically think ”yeah they will definitely recover” but when it’s about yourself, it just feels like a completely different story.

 

And yeah same, even though some of the symptoms are somewhat similar to things I’ve experienced before, this isn’t me either. It’s just so hard to really put into words what I’m feeling and thinking.

 

Take care, hope you have a nice weekend☀️

11 minutes ago, VeraVa said:

I guess it’s just better not to set any expectations or timelines in your head when things are ”supposed” to improve. Last fall I was sure that by spring this would all be just a distant memory. I guess it takes as long as it takes.

Goes back to my favourite drum I like the bang, the acceptance drum! Full healing will come when it does. We will get there.

 

11 minutes ago, VeraVa said:

Btw, it’s great to hear that many of your symptoms have eased. I’m sure the rest will too. Funny thing, when you read other people’s stories, you automatically think ”yeah they will definitely recover” but when it’s about yourself, it just feels like a completely different story.

 

It is true, when you have symptoms you can't really see how they will ever go. I remember that from the early days. Those dark chemical fuds, I couldn't imagine how and when they would go, but they did. Now I can't imagine things improving either, but they do. Just very slowly. Learning to have faith. Hard.

 

11 minutes ago, VeraVa said:

And yeah same, even though some of the symptoms are somewhat similar to things I’ve experienced before, this isn’t me either. It’s just so hard to really put into words what I’m feeling and thinking.

I get that. I don't feel that similar, at this stage, to most on here in terms of symptoms, but that doesnt mean, Im not in WD. We are all different that is all. But similar in some ways. Like you said, just accepting it takes and long as it takes. No timelines. 🙂 Youll get there.

11 hours ago, Vince said:

When I read texts like these, I have little to say. I wish I could hear it in person and tell you in my softest and kindest voice; I understand, I don't think there's much you or I can do about it, but I understand. 

 

I would be quite contented to be in your presence, to dwell with a feeling of recognition and compassion. Unfortunately the internet is just an intangable wall of text.

Vince,

 

I read your message last night just before going to bed and it really touched me. I actually ended up in tears, not out of sadness, more like something being gently seen. Somehow just those simple words ”I understand” felt incredibly comforting.

 

Indeed, there’s really not much we can do anything about this. That’s the harsh truth. 
 

And yes, unfortunately these are just words on a screen and they just barely scratch the surface of everything that’s constantly going on inside. But even so, it feels just so good to be part of this community. Even though I know none of us would actually want to be here in the first place. 
 

Take care and feel free to reach out anytime!

4 minutes ago, Chippy said:

Goes back to my favourite drum I like the bang, the acceptance drum! Full healing will come when it does. We will get there.

 

It is true, when you have symptoms you can't really see how they will ever go. I remember that from the early days. Those dark chemical fuds, I couldn't imagine how and when they would go, but they did. Now I can't imagine things improving either, but they do. Just very slowly. Learning to have faith. Hard.

 

I get that. I don't feel that similar, at this stage, to most on here in terms of symptoms, but that doesnt mean, Im not in WD. We are all different that is all. But similar in some ways. Like you said, just accepting it takes and long as it takes. No timelines. 🙂 Youll get there.

Thanks, I appreciate this. I’ll keep practicing, maybe one I’ll be a pro drummer🥁

16 minutes ago, VeraVa said:

I’ll keep practicing,

That is the key to acceptance. Daily maintence practice, we never get there, no end goal, just on a journey.

Argh, how frustrating this is once again. I had about a week of pretty decent days, not perfect, but I felt so much better. Much more optimistic and I found myself questioning my earlier posts like "how could I have even felt that way?"

Over the past few months, I've experienced so many waves that I started hoping maybe it was now time for a really long nice window. I was almost convinced this was the case and I felt so relieved, thinking I could finally catch a break after enduring all these waves. But nope - yesteday, completely out of the blue in the middle of the day, BAM, I was thrown into a wave again. Just when you think you understand the way these waves and windows behave, you're reminded that you actually know absolutely nothing and making any assumptions is pointless.

Well all I can do is keep going as fighting against it doesn't change anything. Hopefully this is just a small dip and that nice window will come back soon. Ugh, right now I'm at work in the office and honestly I just want to go cry in the bathroom and kick the wall :D Damn this sucks, but there's nothing I can do but accept this.

Sorry to read @VeraVa

So unpredictable I know! But you are doing so well really! Just the ups and downs are frustrating, especially trying to work. Don't be dishearted, you are healing, and one day this will all be gone. As you said Acceptance. No Resistance. This will pass. xxx

Hi @VeraVa, how have you been? I hope you've seen more improvement in the past couple of months 😊

On 6/12/2026 at 1:03 PM, Niels91 said:

Hi @VeraVa, how have you been? I hope you've seen more improvement in the past couple of months 😊

Hi @Niels91 and thanks for checking in :)

On average, I’d say things have definitely improved but the waves are still almost as unpleasant as they’ve always been! It feels like my symptoms fluctuate a lot from day to day and even within the same day. It’s not really as clear-cut anymore with distinct ”good periods” and ”bad periods”, it’s much more mixed and unpredictable. Sometimes I do feel really good and think I’m close to recovery, but then I get pulled back into the wave. But I guess I’m somehow used to it and it doesn’t disappoint me as much as it used to.

I’m mostly trying to practice acceptance and not analyze things when the anxiety shows up. Instead of trying to fix it or figure it out, I just let it be there and let it pass when it’s ready to pass. I’ve been away from this forum quite a bit lately since I’m just trying to live as normal life as I can hehe.

I also have my wedding coming up in less than two weeks, which is pretty exciting. I believe it’ll go well :)

How have you been doing?

@VeraVa Good to see things have been going in a good direction. I think your mindset is perfect. Over this will get better and better for you, just those waves are so horrible an unpredictable, but keep riding them. Full healing is on its way!

Good luck for your wedding. Look after yourself though, keep off the booze! and remember stress can be aggravating, just enjoy your beautiful day no matter how it goes. All that matters is you and your other half. xxxx

Oh, that sounds promising! I'm pleased to hear you are improving 😊

Acceptance is indeed a major skill that we should practice as often as possible but it is also one of the hardest things to do, especially when our mind and nervous system are all over the place at times. And even without being in protracted withdrawal it's hard to practice 😅

I'm doing fairly ok at the moment. Started working again a month ago and my nervous system wasn't pleased: Lots of anxiety, dread, worrying, racing and looping thoughts, muscle pain etc. The whole package. But it settled down last week and now I just have to deal with depressive-like symptoms. It sucks but there is a little bit of hope deep down that the anhedonia and apathy will eventually lift 😊 Oh how I long to feel connected to myself and others again.

21 hours ago, VeraVa said:

It feels like my symptoms fluctuate a lot from day to day and even within the same day. It’s not really as clear-cut anymore with distinct ”good periods” and ”bad periods”, it’s much more mixed and unpredictable.

I can somewhat relate to this. My windows and waves are not as clear or pronounced and at times they seem to blend into each other as the days go by.

Overall the trend is positive but it is very slow. I'm spending less and less time trying to "fix" myself and I'm starting to believe that that actually helps. My intuition is starting to come back online as well. It allows me to trust myself a little bit more. I'm hopeful that things will be better in a year.

I wish you a good and continued recovery and a wonderful wedding. Take care ❤️

On 6/16/2026 at 1:25 AM, Niels91 said:

Oh, that sounds promising! I'm pleased to hear you are improving 😊

Acceptance is indeed a major skill that we should practice as often as possible but it is also one of the hardest things to do, especially when our mind and nervous system are all over the place at times. And even without being in protracted withdrawal it's hard to practice 😅

I'm doing fairly ok at the moment. Started working again a month ago and my nervous system wasn't pleased: Lots of anxiety, dread, worrying, racing and looping thoughts, muscle pain etc. The whole package. But it settled down last week and now I just have to deal with depressive-like symptoms. It sucks but there is a little bit of hope deep down that the anhedonia and apathy will eventually lift 😊 Oh how I long to feel connected to myself and others again.

I can somewhat relate to this. My windows and waves are not as clear or pronounced and at times they seem to blend into each other as the days go by.

Overall the trend is positive but it is very slow. I'm spending less and less time trying to "fix" myself and I'm starting to believe that that actually helps. My intuition is starting to come back online as well. It allows me to trust myself a little bit more. I'm hopeful that things will be better in a year.

I wish you a good and continued recovery and a wonderful wedding. Take care ❤️

Oh I’m glad to hear this! Everything you wrote sounds such meaningful process, even though it doesn’t probably feel that way every day. Going back to work is HUUGE! I truly hope that right now you are feeling at least as well as you were when you wrote this and hopefully even better. Recovery is painfully slow, but you’re heading in the right direction.

Wish you all the best and many more moments of peace and joy❤️

Now that yesterday marked one full year off all medication, I wanted to post a little update.

Since April I’ve been feeling better and since June I’ve been feeling SO much better. We had the most wonderful wedding and we’re currently on our way home from our honeymoon. I can finally experience life much more like a normal person again: I feel joy, inner peace and genuine sense of connection. My anxiety is very minimal now and other than that I don’t really have any symptoms left. The stress leading up to the wedding was intense but to my surprise it didn’t bring my withdrawal symptoms back at all.

I could never have believed even back in March, that I would be where I am today. I was so afraid of what this summer would bring and I couldn’t imagine feeling this well. I’m going to wait a few more months before writing my success story, just because I’d like to see things stay stable but I genuinely feel like I’m getting very close to recovery :)

So very happy for you! Congratulations on being a newlywed!

8 hours ago, VeraVa said:

Now that yesterday marked one full year off all medication, I wanted to post a little update.

Since April I’ve been feeling better and since June I’ve been feeling SO much better. We had the most wonderful wedding and we’re currently on our way home from our honeymoon. I can finally experience life much more like a normal person again: I feel joy, inner peace and genuine sense of connection. My anxiety is very minimal now and other than that I don’t really have any symptoms left. The stress leading up to the wedding was intense but to my surprise it didn’t bring my withdrawal symptoms back at all.

I could never have believed even back in March, that I would be where I am today. I was so afraid of what this summer would bring and I couldn’t imagine feeling this well. I’m going to wait a few more months before writing my success story, just because I’d like to see things stay stable but I genuinely feel like I’m getting very close to recovery :)

Amazing @VeraVa So happy for you! xxxxx

21 hours ago, VeraVa said:

Oh I’m glad to hear this! Everything you wrote sounds such meaningful process, even though it doesn’t probably feel that way every day. Going back to work is HUUGE! I truly hope that right now you are feeling at least as well as you were when you wrote this and hopefully even better. Recovery is painfully slow, but you’re heading in the right direction.

Wish you all the best and many more moments of peace and joy❤️

Hi Vera, 2 weeks ago I had a window that lasted 4 days but since then I'm back in a wave.

Trying to stay optimistic and hopeful but it's incredibly hard.

20 hours ago, VeraVa said:

Now that yesterday marked one full year off all medication, I wanted to post a little update.

Since April I’ve been feeling better and since June I’ve been feeling SO much better. We had the most wonderful wedding and we’re currently on our way home from our honeymoon. I can finally experience life much more like a normal person again: I feel joy, inner peace and genuine sense of connection. My anxiety is very minimal now and other than that I don’t really have any symptoms left. The stress leading up to the wedding was intense but to my surprise it didn’t bring my withdrawal symptoms back at all.

I could never have believed even back in March, that I would be where I am today. I was so afraid of what this summer would bring and I couldn’t imagine feeling this well. I’m going to wait a few more months before writing my success story, just because I’d like to see things stay stable but I genuinely feel like I’m getting very close to recovery :)

This is great news Vera! Sounds like you're well on your way to recovery 😊

That's great news, I hope this stability may continue for you.

@VeraVa I'm glad to hear you've been doing reasonably well.

Please do come back with an update when you can.

On 7/13/2026 at 1:23 AM, VeraVa said:

Now that yesterday marked one full year off all medication, I wanted to post a little update.

Since April I’ve been feeling better and since June I’ve been feeling SO much better. We had the most wonderful wedding and we’re currently on our way home from our honeymoon. I can finally experience life much more like a normal person again: I feel joy, inner peace and genuine sense of connection. My anxiety is very minimal now and other than that I don’t really have any symptoms left. The stress leading up to the wedding was intense but to my surprise it didn’t bring my withdrawal symptoms back at all.

I could never have believed even back in March, that I would be where I am today. I was so afraid of what this summer would bring and I couldn’t imagine feeling this well. I’m going to wait a few more months before writing my success story, just because I’d like to see things stay stable but I genuinely feel like I’m getting very close to recovery :)

Reading this when I’m in a wave gives me hope . I just started my journey and can’t even think of getting better. Congratulations to your wedding and I hope you will be living an healthy, peaceful and lovely life. I see that it all took you a month to recover . That gives hope but then you didn’t have the long use and kindling which I had. Just wanted to say that if I read that you have been working through this horrible time it’s very powerful of you. I can’t even come out of bed some days . All the love and best wishes Sarah

On 7/12/2026 at 6:23 PM, VeraVa said:

Now that yesterday marked one full year off all medication, I wanted to post a little update.

Since April I’ve been feeling better and since June I’ve been feeling SO much better. We had the most wonderful wedding and we’re currently on our way home from our honeymoon. I can finally experience life much more like a normal person again: I feel joy, inner peace and genuine sense of connection. My anxiety is very minimal now and other than that I don’t really have any symptoms left. The stress leading up to the wedding was intense but to my surprise it didn’t bring my withdrawal symptoms back at all.

I could never have believed even back in March, that I would be where I am today. I was so afraid of what this summer would bring and I couldn’t imagine feeling this well. I’m going to wait a few more months before writing my success story, just because I’d like to see things stay stable but I genuinely feel like I’m getting very close to recovery :)

@VeraVa congratulations on your 1 year off from zero, this is very encouraging and inspiring to see. My this window be as bright as the morning sunrise.

Hey @VeraVa,

Just checking in to see how things are going? Hope your windows have continued!

All the best, G x

On 8/11/2026 at 4:37 PM, Saar8srl said:

Reading this when I’m in a wave gives me hope . I just started my journey and can’t even think of getting better. Congratulations to your wedding and I hope you will be living an healthy, peaceful and lovely life. I see that it all took you a month to recover . That gives hope but then you didn’t have the long use and kindling which I had. Just wanted to say that if I read that you have been working through this horrible time it’s very powerful of you. I can’t even come out of bed some days . All the love and best wishes Sarah

Hi Sarah. Thank you so much for your kind words.

Just remember that you can't really make reliable conclusions about your own healing based on how long someone else used the medication. I mean, there are people who took only one pill and struggled for a long time while other take these meds for years and have no problems at all (though they don't end up on forums like this lol). So best thing is to not compare your journey to mine🙂

All I can say is that you will heal and your life will be worth of living again. Sending you so much strength and love