Hey everyone!

Here’s a link to my intro thread on SA, but I thought I’d write and summarize my experience here too: https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/32945-verava-escitalopram-adverse-reaction-my-story/

 

Apologies in advance for the long post! I find writing quite therapeutic at the moment, and I have so much to say that I might get a bit carried away.

 

Background

I was diagnosed with ADHD in summer 2021 and started medication for it (Medikinet) in autumn 2021. I’ve always been extremely sensitive to medication, and these were no exception. At the same time, I was going through a stressful period, finishing law school and feeling quite overwhelmed, so I didn’t immediately realise the meds were causing side effects. But now it’s clear they were triggering severe anxiety for me.

 

I took the medication for about 1.5 years and still couldn’t fully link my anxiety to them. By spring 2023, I thought I might need to start antidepressants, even though I’d always resisted the idea. Eventually, I started on Sertraline (50mg) in May, but after just two days, I had my first-ever panic attack and unbearable anxiety. My doctor told me to lower the dose to 25mg, but when the anxiety persisted, she said antidepressants don’t usually cause such reactions (lol). I took the medication for only nine days and started feeling better within a couple of weeks.

 

Following that awful experience with Sertraline, I thought I could manage my anxiety with therapy alone and started working with a new therapist. However, the therapist said it would be really tough to work with me unless I started on antidepressants. I had been diagnosed with GAD and OCD at that point, and she explained how serious these brain disorders can be - almost impossible to address without medication. I didn’t know much about mental health issues or antidepressants back then, so I trusted her and started on Escitalopram gradually, which did improve my condition.

 

Eventually, though, I realised that my ADHD medication was maybe the root cause of my anxiety so I stopped taking it in summer 2024, and after that, I had no anxiety or intrusive thoughts at all.

At some point, I switched from Escitalopram to Fluoxetine due to weight gain, but it didn’t seem to help, and since I already felt great, I decided (despite my therapist’s strong objections) to stop antidepressants entirely. I tapered off Fluoxetine from 5mg to zero over about two months, thinking I was being cautious - but, of course, that was way too fast. Still, I didn’t notice any withdrawal symptoms.

 

Then came March

In March 2025, I developed a UTI and was prescribed antibiotics. After taking the second dose, I suddenly had a terrible anxiety attack. I panicked, thinking my “mental health issues” were resurfacing, so I decided to start Escitalopram again, as it had helped me before. I began taking 1.25mg at the end of March, but the day after I started, I already had intrusive, distressing thoughts. I assumed this was just my illness flaring up again, but my anxiety kept worsening throughout April. Thinking Escitalopram would eventually help, I increased the dosage, as advised by my doctor, who assured me that the medication would work just like it did before and insisted she’d never heard of it not working a second time.

 

By the time I’d reached about 6.5mg, I had to go to ER for the first time due to extreme anxiety. I was told it was just my anxiety acting up and advised to increase the dose. Eventually, I went up to 10mg, and three days later, everything spiraled out of control. It was pure hell. I was so anxious I couldn’t get out of bed or eat anything, and I spent entire days crying. At that point, I started to suspect that the Escitalopram was causing all this and decided to taper off the medication.

 

I had to visit ER again, where I received the same explanation that it was unlikely to be the medication. However, the doctor did suggest I stop taking it. At that time, I also naively started taking benzodiazepines prescribed by the doctor. I used them from May to July, though not daily. I didn’t notice any negative effects, and they did help with the worst moments.

 

Eventually, I tapered off Escitalopram over about seven weeks and took my final dose on 12 July. By then, my symptoms had already improved slightly.

 

My situation after July and now

Things got better almost immediately after stopping the medication, but not close to entirely. I returned to work in mid-August, and it’s been really good for me, I haven’t missed a single day.

 

Since summer (and even while I was still on the medication), I’ve been experiencing windows and waves. The windows are gradually improving, with the most recent ones being completely symptom-free, and I’ve had some genuinely lovely moments this autumn.

 

I’ve also been able to sleep really well for many months, 8-9 hours a night, which has probably helped a lot. I’m very sensitive to melatonin, even the tiniest amount makes me fall asleep almost instantly (possibly a placebo effect, but I’ll take it!).

 

On top of that, I’ve been working with a new fantastic therapist since summer. I don’t talk much with her about the windows and waves because I doubt she would fully believe me, though she did acknowledge that the medication caused severe issues over the summer. Her approach is great overall, encouraging me to accept the situation and not fight my feelings too much, and she doesn’t push new diagnoses or meds on me.

 

That being said, I’m unfortunately noew in the worst wave I’ve had since last August, and it feels like I’m experiencing all the emotions at once and on repeat. But I know this will pass, just like all the others have, and I know this wave won’t erase the enormous progress I’ve made this autumn.

 

I’m pushing myself to stay positive and accept the situation, as hard as it is sometimes. I already feel like I’ve grown into a much more positive person, I haven’t really had any other choice.

 

I’m always happy to chat with anyone, so feel free to reach out anytime ❤️

Welcome to the forum, VeraVa.

 

I am the Recovery Assistant Bot and I am here to post some information for you whilst we await replies from other members.

 

This is a volunteer-run, community forum aimed at helping those who are experiencing difficulties with psychiatric medications. If you are experiencing an adverse reaction to them, withdrawal difficulties or are injured by them, we are very sorry to hear this and will do what we can to help you.

 

While we are waiting for human members to reply, there are some things you can do that will help you get the most out of this forum whilst you await further support.

 

Please familiarise yourself with the forum rules and the disclaimer located here:

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Please update your signature. This will allow members to see some basic information about your drug history and situation so that they may help you best. Information on how to do this is located in the guides linked above, but here is a direct link:

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Once this is done, future posts made by you will have this signature turned on by default.

 

If you have migrated here from "SurvivingAntidepressants" feel free to post a link to your old thread in this one, or include it in your signature.

 

We hope that you will find this forum helpful.

Hey VerVa

 

Welcome to the forum!

 

Thanks so much for joining and writing your beautiful post! Lovley work!

 

Im very sorry for the suffering you have had to endure. Its not fair and I wish I didnt happen.

 

I recognise a theme throughout your thread which support a view I hold. We don't just sufferer WD from a single drug.

 

Our nervous systems are complex and not well understood. I believe that when we take medications that affect CNS, that system can become bruised over time. The more meds, the more bruising. Perhaps we are ok at first but with each change of dose, succession, introduction of new tablets etc, our now irritated systems become more and more angry. 

I think your story illustrates this well. Thanks for sharing it so eloquently.

 

You seem to be doing really well and you are only 5.5 months off. I hope and suspect this will continue for you during the following months. Keep up the great work!

 

Thank you again for joining its great to have you here.

 

Speak soon

 

Chippy

Hey VerVa

 

Welcome to the forum!

 

Thanks so much for joining and writing your beautiful post! Lovley work!

 

Im very sorry for the suffering you have had to endure. Its not fair and I wish I didnt happen.

 

I recognise a theme throughout your thread which support a view I hold. We don't just sufferer WD from a single drug.

 

Our nervous systems are complex and not well understood. I believe that when we take medications that affect CNS, that system can become bruised over time. The more meds, the more bruising. Perhaps we are ok at first but with each change of dose, succession, introduction of new tablets etc, our now irritated systems become more and more angry. 

I think your story illustrates this well. Thanks for sharing it so eloquently.

 

You seem to be doing really well and you are only 5.5 months off. I hope and suspect this will continue for you during the following months. Keep up the great work!

 

Thank you again for joining its great to have you here.

 

Speak soon

 

Chippy

 

Hi Chippy and thank you for the warm welcome, it’s fantastic that this new site was created.

 

And yes, it’s absolutely clear at this point that the medication had already thrown my nervous system out of balance before this spring, but it finally couldn’t take it anymore, leading to such intense symptoms.

 

I just remembered something recently as well: when I was still taking Escitalopram for the first time, my therapist at the time constantly urged me to change my dosage. Literally every time I told her I was anxious, she told me to increase the medication and whenever things got better, she’d tell me to lower it. So I was practically changing the dosage up and down all the time. Although I didn’t experience any symptoms from it back then, who knows what kind of impact that has had.

 

Anyway, I’m just so happy that I figured this out myself eventually and that I didn’t take any more meds. Even over the summer, every psychiatrist I saw told me I should try a different medication if Escitalopram doesn’t end up working for me. All the doctors seemed to view this as some kind of personal illness, and the problem always seems to lie with the patient rather than the medication itself. 

 

But yes, things could definitely be worse at this point. Once this wave passess, I’ll be incredibly relieved. 

 

Thanks again for your message and let’s stay in touch. Oh and one (technical) question, if you happen to know: is there a way to change my settings so that I automatically follow all threads I comment on, or do I have to manually start following them each time? :)

Hey VerVa

 

Welcome to the forum!

 

Thanks so much for joining and writing your beautiful post! Lovley work!

 

Im very sorry for the suffering you have had to endure. Its not fair and I wish I didnt happen.

 

I recognise a theme throughout your thread which support a view I hold. We don't just sufferer WD from a single drug.

 

Our nervous systems are complex and not well understood. I believe that when we take medications that affect CNS, that system can become bruised over time. The more meds, the more bruising. Perhaps we are ok at first but with each change of dose, succession, introduction of new tablets etc, our now irritated systems become more and more angry. 

I think your story illustrates this well. Thanks for sharing it so eloquently.

 

You seem to be doing really well and you are only 5.5 months off. I hope and suspect this will continue for you during the following months. Keep up the great work!

 

Thank you again for joining its great to have you here.

 

Speak soon

 

Chippy

 

Hi Chippy and thank you for the warm welcome, it’s fantastic that this new site was created.

 

And yes, it’s absolutely clear at this point that the medication had already thrown my nervous system out of balance before this spring, but it finally couldn’t take it anymore, leading to such intense symptoms.

 

I just remembered something recently as well: when I was still taking Escitalopram for the first time, my therapist at the time constantly urged me to change my dosage. Literally every time I told her I was anxious, she told me to increase the medication and whenever things got better, she’d tell me to lower it. So I was practically changing the dosage up and down all the time. Although I didn’t experience any symptoms from it back then, who knows what kind of impact that has had.

 

Anyway, I’m just so happy that I figured this out myself eventually and that I didn’t take any more meds. Even over the summer, every psychiatrist I saw told me I should try a different medication if Escitalopram doesn’t end up working for me. All the doctors seemed to view this as some kind of personal illness, and the problem always seems to lie with the patient rather than the medication itself. 

 

But yes, things could definitely be worse at this point. Once this wave passess, I’ll be incredibly relieved. 

 

Thanks again for your message and let’s stay in touch. Oh and one (technical) question, if you happen to know: is there a way to change my settings so that I automatically follow all threads I comment on, or do I have to manually start following them each time? :)

I think those dose changes are all part of your individual CNS signature/history and all part of it as you said.

 

Yes they are trained to look for relapse and not for WD. So they only see relapse a lot of the time. Tied is turning but a bit too slowly still......

 

When you reply to a thread it should default 'Subscribe' you to it. The is a 'More Options' box under the editor box with additional options. Subscribe and receive a new email notification should be already selected for you. Hope that all makes sense?

 

Chippy

Hey VerVa

 

Welcome to the forum!

 

Thanks so much for joining and writing your beautiful post! Lovley work!

 

Im very sorry for the suffering you have had to endure. Its not fair and I wish I didnt happen.

 

I recognise a theme throughout your thread which support a view I hold. We don't just sufferer WD from a single drug.

 

Our nervous systems are complex and not well understood. I believe that when we take medications that affect CNS, that system can become bruised over time. The more meds, the more bruising. Perhaps we are ok at first but with each change of dose, succession, introduction of new tablets etc, our now irritated systems become more and more angry. 

I think your story illustrates this well. Thanks for sharing it so eloquently.

 

You seem to be doing really well and you are only 5.5 months off. I hope and suspect this will continue for you during the following months. Keep up the great work!

 

Thank you again for joining its great to have you here.

 

Speak soon

 

Chippy

 

Hi Chippy and thank you for the warm welcome, it’s fantastic that this new site was created.

 

And yes, it’s absolutely clear at this point that the medication had already thrown my nervous system out of balance before this spring, but it finally couldn’t take it anymore, leading to such intense symptoms.

 

I just remembered something recently as well: when I was still taking Escitalopram for the first time, my therapist at the time constantly urged me to change my dosage. Literally every time I told her I was anxious, she told me to increase the medication and whenever things got better, she’d tell me to lower it. So I was practically changing the dosage up and down all the time. Although I didn’t experience any symptoms from it back then, who knows what kind of impact that has had.

 

Anyway, I’m just so happy that I figured this out myself eventually and that I didn’t take any more meds. Even over the summer, every psychiatrist I saw told me I should try a different medication if Escitalopram doesn’t end up working for me. All the doctors seemed to view this as some kind of personal illness, and the problem always seems to lie with the patient rather than the medication itself. 

 

But yes, things could definitely be worse at this point. Once this wave passess, I’ll be incredibly relieved. 

 

Thanks again for your message and let’s stay in touch. Oh and one (technical) question, if you happen to know: is there a way to change my settings so that I automatically follow all threads I comment on, or do I have to manually start following them each time? :)

I think those dose changes are all part of your individual CNS signature/history and all part of it as you said.

 

Yes they are trained to look for relapse and not for WD. So they only see relapse a lot of the time. Tied is turning but a bit too slowly still......

 

When you reply to a thread it should default 'Subscribe' you to it. The is a 'More Options' box under the editor box with additional options. Subscribe and receive a new email notification should be already selected for you. Hope that all makes sense?

 

Chippy

Thanks, it should work now :)

Hi VeraVa, 

 

Just dropping by to say hello and hope that you are feeling better. I can relate to the let's try drug A, B, C, D, etc. The up and down in dosage is not great either. But you are off everything it appears.

 

Our brains like to pendulate from activation to deactivation or wave to window to balance itself out. The wilder the swings, the more destabilized the NS, like a panic attack/very activated and then feeling like one is about to pass out/very deactivated. As things even out more, the swings or symptoms will be more manageable. Our brains want regulation and to heal. Update us when you have a chance on your latest wave. I hope your next window is here and gives you long-term relief.

 

Namastejen1

Good sleep, and symptom-free windows at this stage is immensely good progress.

 

Even if you still have some hard times that's a clear trajectory towards recovery.

Hi VeraVa, 

 

Just dropping by to say hello and hope that you are feeling better. I can relate to the let's try drug A, B, C, D, etc. The up and down in dosage is not great either. But you are off everything it appears.

 

Our brains like to pendulate from activation to deactivation or wave to window to balance itself out. The wilder the swings, the more destabilized the NS, like a panic attack/very activated and then feeling like one is about to pass out/very deactivated. As things even out more, the swings or symptoms will be more manageable. Our brains want regulation and to heal. Update us when you have a chance on your latest wave. I hope your next window is here and gives you long-term relief.

 

Namastejen1

Hi Namastejen1,

 

Thank you for the support and happy New Year❤️ Unfortunately I’m still in a wave, I think today is day 15. This is by far the longest wave I’ve had so far, which makes it especially discouraging.

 

My symptoms have been all over the place. Sometimes it’s low mood and despair, sometimes crying spells, sometimes intense anger and sometimes anxiety (both looping thoughts and physical anxiety). On the last several days I’ve had periods where I feel neutral and start thinking the wave is finally over, but it just keeps going. It’s kind of torture.

 

What makes this harder is that in the autumn my waves were milder and shorter (about 1-1.5 weeks). Now this creates so much uncertainty, because I feel like I don’t know what the next day will bring. When this wave started I was still quite positive, but day by day it gets a bit harder. The ”what’s wrong with me,  I’m badly broken” thoughts start creeping in, along with the fear that this will never end (I know it will!).

 

Ending the year like this also felt unfair. I would have loved to day goodbye to such a terrible year with a clear spark of hope inside me, not thinking ”cool, same suffering, new calendar”..

 

Still, I’m trying to hold onto perspective. I believe my brain is doing some major renovation work right now, which is loud and messy, and that things will be even better once this wave has passed. And importantly, this is not the acute phase. Every day is not hell from morning to night. Therapy I’ve been in since the autumn is clearly helping too: I am better at not reacting to anxiety, which takes away some of its power. That may also explain why I’m still fully functional and haven’t had to cancel or avoid anything because of this wave. I know these sensations are not actually dangerous, even though they ofc feel that way.

 

Really hoping for some relief soon. And wow, this got long, sorry about that! But truly, thanks for checking in. Especially right now, SA and this forum are lifesavers!

---

Good sleep, and symptom-free windows at this stage is immensely good progress.

 

Even if you still have some hard times that's a clear trajectory towards recovery.

You’re absolutely right, Luke. And if my brain has been capable of symptom-free state before, it’s clearly capable of getting there again. I know this can turn around for better very quickly.

You’re absolutely right, Luke. And if my brain has been capable of symptom-free state before, it’s clearly capable of getting there again. I know this can turn around for better very quickly.

 

Try to take the time to consider where you are now, on average, compared to say, 3-4 months ago.

 

Try to visualise that if you had that same amount of progress again, where you might be in another 3-4 months.

You’re absolutely right, Luke. And if my brain has been capable of symptom-free state before, it’s clearly capable of getting there again. I know this can turn around for better very quickly.

 

Try to take the time to consider where you are now, on average, compared to say, 3-4 months ago.

 

Try to visualise that if you had that same amount of progress again, where you might be in another 3-4 months.

Yeah, but maybe this isn’t the best moment for me to make such a comparison while I’m right in the middle of a bad wave, since I was functioning much better 3-4 months ago than I am right now. I do get your point though, and I think my current baseline will only become clear once this wave eases. Hopefully it’ll be even better than the previous one, which was already pretty good.

Do the visualization exercise Luke mentioned or find a good past memory to bring up in the present, when it’s right for you. It’s beneficial to use all the senses and feel where a positive emotional state is felt in the body vs where you’ve been holding onto negative emotional states. What are the sensations? Our bodies hold onto emotions that surface as sensations in the body. So it’s beneficial to notice especially the shift to positive states. 

Here’s a little somatic work for you!

Perhaps, but I would like to emphasise that I'm talking about an average.

 

You mention your recent baseline being ok. You've progressed to the point of having symptom-free windows.

 

Some bad days doesn't take away from the average.

Hello Vera, just hopping by to say hi. I am so sorry to hear about your heavy wave… I hope you will feel better soon. I have heard of people who had like a heavy last „uprising“ of symptoms and that then it was much better…maybe it’s something like this. Thinking of you! Nemina

namastejen1, Luke and Nemina,

 

Thank you all so much for the support, it really means a lot!!! Today has been easier and while I’m not quite ready to declare the wave over just yet, it does feel like the window might be starting to open again. ❤️ :cool:

namastejen1, Luke and Nemina,

 

Thank you all so much for the support, it really means a lot!!! Today has been easier and while I’m not quite ready to declare the wave over just yet, it does feel like the window might be starting to open again. ❤️ :cool:

Im very glad to read this! :)

namastejen1, Luke and Nemina,

 

Thank you all so much for the support, it really means a lot!!! Today has been easier and while I’m not quite ready to declare the wave over just yet, it does feel like the window might be starting to open again. ❤️ :cool:

This sounds so good! Dear Vera, how are you doing now?

namastejen1, Luke and Nemina,

 

Thank you all so much for the support, it really means a lot!!! Today has been easier and while I’m not quite ready to declare the wave over just yet, it does feel like the window might be starting to open again. ❤️ :cool:

This sounds so good! Dear Vera, how are you doing now?

Thanks for checking in Nemina. I feel better than I was during that bad wave, but not quite as well as I was doing in December before it.

 

But I don’t want to overanalyze my feelings and I think this is normal, as recovery is not linear. Things will continue to improve. Whenever my thoughts drift too much into the future, I remind myself that I don’t know anything beyond the present moment. Tomorrow could be a great day.

Just wanter to post a bit of an update. After the huge December wave, I still haven’t really experienced similar windows I had on the autum. On the positive side, the anxiety and the sense of doom are clearly not as bad as they were during that wave. I think those two are the most unbearable symptols for me, so this is more manageable.

What I’m noticing instead is a lot more OCD-type thinking. During the autumn it was barely there or much easier to ignore, but now it seems very strong again. Along with that, I feel depressed and I’m crying all the time.

My brain just keeps looping and bringing up unpleasant moments from years ago, things I thought were already in the past and I feel like I’m somehow reliving the trauma. It’s hard to make sense of it all. I keep wondering whether it’s a ”normal” trauma response for all of this or just medication-related, and well, it makes me crazy when I don’t know.

On top of this, I’ve had insomnia this week, which I haven’t really struggled with in a long time. My thoughts feel out of control at night as well, making it hard to fall asleep. I’m still sleeping around six hours or so, but that’s much less than usual for me, and my sleep is very broken.

Overall, it’s been really challenging to react to all of this. I wish I could stop analyzing, but it feels like my rational self is lost. 

I guess all I can do is take one day at a time. One thing that gives me perspective is that when I read my old journal, there was very similar thoughts in August-September as well. That phase passed relatively suddenly, and there have been many good moments after that. So maybe this can also pass quicker than it feels right now (now I feel like I need ten years of therapy to ever recover from this lol). What’s also clear is that now every week has been very different, much more up and down than it was in the autumn. Maybe next week is great. Or tomorrow.

Hey VeraVa

Thanks of the update.

1 hour ago, VeraVa said:

After the huge December wave, I still haven’t really experienced similar windows I had on the autum. On the positive side, the anxiety and the sense of doom are clearly not as bad as they were during that wave. I think those two are the most unbearable symptols for me, so this is more manageable.

Its good your Dec wave has eased. Im sorry you are not getting the windows you were. Im sure they will come in time. It's great your anxiety and doom have reduced. This isn't pleasant so Im pleased to read this.

1 hour ago, VeraVa said:

What I’m noticing instead is a lot more OCD-type thinking. During the autumn it was barely there or much easier to ignore, but now it seems very strong again. Along with that, I feel depressed and I’m crying all the time.

I think the winter can add to our symptoms sometimes. I hope as the weather brightens up this helps a little.

1 hour ago, VeraVa said:

My brain just keeps looping and bringing up unpleasant moments from years ago, things I thought were already in the past and I feel like I’m somehow reliving the trauma. It’s hard to make sense of it all. I keep wondering whether it’s a ”normal” trauma response for all of this or just medication-related, and well, it makes me crazy when I don’t know.

I think this is very common. It's like our normal brains can deal with the past. We learn to just park those memories and they don't bother us so much or not at all. For some reason when we are in WD those thoughts are unlocked somehow. It's very hard. I have had this too. They are your thoughts so you think perhaps it's you doing this. But I don't think it is. You just experience WD through your own mind that's all. 

1 hour ago, VeraVa said:

n top of this, I’ve had insomnia this week, which I haven’t really struggled with in a long time. My thoughts feel out of control at night as well, making it hard to fall asleep. I’m still sleeping around six hours or so, but that’s much less than usual for me, and my sleep is very broken.

I hear you. My head is busier than it should be when I get into bed. I find to just accept it and those thoughts just fade into sleep eventually. I used to get into bed and think of nothing before all this. I also am on about 6 hours atm. Much lower for me too. Its not easy and again very common as is the brokeness.

1 hour ago, VeraVa said:

Overall, it’s been really challenging to react to all of this. I wish I could stop analyzing, but it feels like my rational self is lost. 

 

You've not. It's a lot to process and you need time to adjust to what has happened. Be kind to yourself. You will get your old self back Im sure.

1 hour ago, VeraVa said:

I guess all I can do is take one day at a time.

This is key.

You're doing great! I know its a tough journey to be on but you've got this!

 

Chippy

15 minutes ago, Chippy said:

Hey VeraVa

Thanks of the update.

Its good you Dec wave has eased. Im sorry you are not getting the windows you were. Im sure they will come in time. It's great your anxiety and doom have reduced. This isn't pleasant so Im pleased to read this.

I think the winter can add to our symptoms sometimes. I hope as the weather brightens up this helps a little.

I think this is very common. It's like our normal brains can deal with the past. We learn to just park those memories and they don't bother us so much or not at all. For some reason when we are in WD those thoughts are unlocked somehow. It's very hard. I have had this too. They are your thoughts so you think perhaps it's you doing this. But I don't think it is. You just experience WD through your own mind that's all. 

I hear you. My head is busier than it should one when I get into bed. I find to just accept it and those thoughts just fade into sleep eventually. I used to get into bed and think of nothing before all this. I also am on about 6 hours atm. Much lower for me too. Its not easy and again very common as is the brokeness.

You've not. It's a lot to process and you need time to adjust to what has happened. Be kind to yourself. You will get your old self back Im sure.

This is key.

You're doing great! I know its a tough journey to be on but you've got this!

 

Chippy

Hi @Chippy,

thanks so much for your thoughtful reply. I really appreciate that you’re willing to help people here, even though you’re also dealing with this stuff yourself.

Haha you’re absolutely right about the winter! It has been so dark here lately, which makes everything feel heavier and more depressing, like this endless draining winter just won’t let up.

And regarding the old trauma popping up, it’s comforting to hear that you’ve had this too (I hope you don’t have it anymore of course!). I’ve read about this earlier as well, but indeed when it’s happening to yourself, it feels incredibly real. And I notice that I’m blaming myself for this, even though it’s not me who’s doing that, it’s just the brain. 

What makes this extra frustrating is that in the autumn, I felt really good at just ignoring these thoughts and I got this strong sense of confidence that I know how to deal with it. And now I feel like I suddenly don’t know anymore. Sucks! Letting it just be feels completely unnatural, like I should be actively fixing it. 

Anyway, thanks again for encouraging me, it helps knowing I’m not alone in this. Hopefully spring shows up soon for both of us🌞

8 minutes ago, VeraVa said:

like this endless draining winter just won’t let up.

Yes it just holds on and on doesnt it. Soon enough.

9 minutes ago, VeraVa said:

And regarding the old trauma popping up, it’s comforting to hear that you’ve had this too

It comes and goes for me. It is much better these days. But I notice my CNS is not what it used to be. It just deals with things differently now. In time it will finds its path again. Yours too.

10 minutes ago, VeraVa said:

it feels incredibly real. And I notice that I’m blaming myself for this,

I think it WD in general its worth constantly reminding yourself its not you fault. Go easy on yourself. Comes back to coping strategy no 1. Acceptance!

 

11 minutes ago, VeraVa said:

What makes this extra frustrating is that in the autumn, I felt really good at just ignoring these thoughts and I got this strong sense of confidence that I know how to deal with it. And now I feel like I suddenly don’t know anymore. Sucks! Letting it just be feels completely unnatural, like I should be actively fixing it.

The winter might be adding to this. But it is likely just the natural ebbing and flowing of your symptoms. They are so unpredictable. 

We are so trained in a modern society to have everything now. To be solution focussed. If Im honest I think that is much of humanity's issues. And probably the reason most of us were on the drugs in the first place!

13 minutes ago, VeraVa said:

Anyway, thanks again for encouraging me, it helps knowing I’m not alone in this. Hopefully spring shows up soon for both of us🌞

It's my pleasure. We help each other get through this tough time.

Chippy

2 hours ago, VeraVa said:

My brain just keeps looping and bringing up unpleasant moments from years ago, things I thought were already in the past and I feel like I’m somehow reliving the trauma. It’s hard to make sense of it all. I keep wondering whether it’s a ”normal” trauma response for all of this or just medication-related, and well, it makes me crazy when I don’t know.

As others have said, this seems to be pretty common in withdrawal. It's something I experienced myself, and even had whilst taking the drug.

I found it impossible to control the constant, looping thoughts, particularly about the things my doctors did, and all of the evidence I dug up of drug harms being ignored by psychiatry.

Dear Vera, I am happy that the worst wave seems to be over and I’m sorry that you’re still struggling so much, especially in the area of thinking. To me this is an obvious sign of withdrawal. I am having that, too. Memories come up of people doing me wrong, again and again.  it is amazing that brain chemistry can do so much with your thinking, but it is an obvious fact. I keep telling myself constantly.: stop thinking this, it is chemistry. Don’t talk about it, don’t give it too much space, don’t react on it…. It is your brain sorting things out, trying to get into balance. It is not what is important right now in your life….

I think of it as a phenomenon that plays out  like if you are reconstructing your home. Furniture has to be shifted away from the walls. Behind the furniture it’s dirty and moldy. You have to empty the cupboards, and the ugliest dusty things have to come upfront to get stored to the appropriate places. Here there are, don’t give them too much importance. You won’t have to live in our house in the state of reconstruction for the rest of your life. It’s a phase.  it’s transitory. This is not the natural state of your home, this is not your life, this is a phase of reconstruction. When all the work is done, it will look great.
 

I think it is a very valuable skill, that we are learning this way : to distance ourselves from our momentary feelings and thoughts. I realize what I’m thinking, I learn to take a step back. I learn to focus willingly on positive things.: in my case, it’s the love of God, the people I love and who love me, how beautiful nature is.    Chippy is right, Winter is adding to our misery , keeping us away from warm air, sun, lovely leaves and flowers . But they will come back as will our health and happiness. Take courage! you will emerge out of this a wiser and happier human being. 

Thanks to @Nemina and everyone else for the support. That’s some very wise words my friend! Learning to create  distance betwern ourselves and our thoughts is really something we can actively practice now and it will become a lifelong skill. Even though this process is so so so hard, it pushes us to learn new ways of coping. These skills will surely ease our suffering both now and in the future.

 

I also wanted to drop by and say: I feel amazing again! It’s like a switch has been flipped back on 🥳❤️ just yesterday I was walking to work feeling so utterly depressed that I had to take a picture of myself to see ”what the most depressed person on earth looks like”. Lol?!!

 

I thinks most of us tend to post only when they’re feeling miserable, so I think we should start sharing more about the good moments too. And this is also a reminder to myself that when the next wave hits, I have some proof that I’ve felt good before as well. 

 

Take care❤️