11 months at zero, update. The first half of this month I was still dealing with a lot of anxiety; mental anxiety (constant doom thoughts) rather than the very physical anxiety I had a few months ago. Some fatigue lingering as well from the awful wave in Feb-Mar, and weird head feelings, including a feeling of pressure in my ears. I managed a long weekend away with my family, not far away. I felt awful, but I did it anyway, just tried my best to be present. The second half of the month has been better. I actually haven’t been an anxious mess for a change. And I’ve managed to resume walking, which makes me very grateful. Sometimes I do feel it’s effortful and there is a bit of dizziness, but I can get through it.

I don’t think I mentioned my gut issues before, but this started around Feb I think, when I had the awful wave/crash. Intermittent diarrhoea since about then. In the last week it seems better.

I still get very bad insomnia intermittently, often in the few nights before my period starts. Not sure if this is withdrawal or perimenopause. Might enquire about trying progesterone.

I’m now wondering if the awful time I had in Feb/Mar was a delayed response to my jump to zero (it was about 7 months later). I never had quick, identifiable responses to dose changes.

I saw the GP this week. He thinks the bits coming out of my salivary ducts are stones with mucus buildup. He doesn’t think either salivary stones or blepharitis are unusual enough to consider Sjögren's, and thinks altogether it doesn’t look like Sjögren's. He thinks my anxiety is making me jump to unlikely ideas. He had asked about general wellbeing, so of course I had mentioned the fatigue and the anxiety and other things, and how I’ve been left in a worse state than before after coming off the citalopram. I said how it was hard to come off and I’d had to do it very slowly. The only things he really had to say about it, was questioning why I’d come off, and why I was so committed to not going back on. I just said I didn’t want the emotional blunting forever, and it being so hard to come off them has just put me off even more.

I am doing the hardest work of my life here and he seemed to just think I was crazy or stupid.

The funny thing is, I don’t remember doctors ever pushing pills on me while I had never taken any. I asked to try an SSRI in 2019. They’d never offered. (Maybe it’s different in other places, but that’s how it was here for me.) But now, since I’ve been on the citalopram and come off, every time I see a doctor and mention anxiety, they want to put me back on! What does this show? It shows that they don’t expect anyone to be able to manage their mental health after coming off a drug. Probably because they’ve seen a lot of cases like me, of people struggling worse than before. Yet somehow they’re unable to interpret this observation correctly. It’s right in front of them and they don’t see it. Or do they know, deep down, that these drugs create a dependency, and they just ignore that thought, write another prescription for the patient and problem solved?

Sounds to me you’re managing preselected @sarahw despite the discomfort of WD and all the weird and unpredictable symptoms that come with it 🤗

@sarahw that's good progress, even though things are difficult.

I think it's clear that you're improving in time, let's hope that this process continues.

I've now passed a year since jumping to zero from 0.2mg.

I'm in a pretty good state at the moment. The anxiety has really faded into the background. My energy levels have been more normal again after the crash in Feb-Mar. I haven't cried much, if at all, in the last couple of months. I've been able to take a trip with my family recently (not abroad, just in the UK) and properly enjoy it. I also did a weekend away by myself to a harp summer school. It has felt really good to be able to get out into the world again, after so long basically being stuck at home. I even worked a day in the office yesterday.

I do tend to be better in the summer anyway, but when I look back on my journal from last summer, I see that I was having a lot more anxiety and rage then compared to right now.

So there's been an undeniable improvement over the last year (though not at all linear) and this really proves that I have indeed still been in withdrawal despite the slow taper.

It's strange to look back and see how bad I felt just a few months ago, and how close I came to trying another reinstatement. I'm so glad I didn't. And so grateful to those who supported me here and encouraged me to keep going.

I'm not going to assume this is me recovered now - we all know things can go up and down over a very long time. But I feel hopeful, and strong.

I still feel my tolerance for sensory discomforts and social irritations is a lot lower. I suspect this is largely due to life circumstances, neurodivergence, and perimenopause. Withdrawal will have added to it as it's just one more thing causing depletion. To be honest, I'm comfortable with the idea that this is a time in my life to be a bit more selfish. I think my disappointment with the lack of understanding and support from people in my life re withdrawal has extinguished a lot of my people-pleasing. I am more selective about where I spend my energy.

I still get bad nights of insomnia intermittently. Again, not sure if this is a withdrawal thing or perimenopause. More time will tell, I guess.

@sarahw thank you for the update. Sounds like things are going really well for you. As you note, the path is rarely straight, but given enough time all this will resolve for you I have no doubt at all! Please don't forget us once you feel you have fully recovered and do come back and give us your success story, they are so important. Chippy xxxx

@sarahw although things are still difficult, this sounds like pretty good progress at around a year off.

It's very good that you're able to take a step back and take the perspective that you're better than you were despite still being in it. It can be difficult to have that objectivity.

I hope more time brings more improvements for you. Thank you for the update. I look forward to the day you feel well enough to post a success story- I believe it is coming in time.