Thanks for the kind words. Reinstatement is okay with no reactions. 
new issue has arises, my daughter has contracted the stomach bug. I have slept hardly at all in weeks or ate. I’m concerned to say the least. Also wondering if zofran is just out of the question in case I get sick 

Nvm just searched SA omg won’t be doing that 

Still very suicidal. Immediately after lexapro dose I feel sedated and get a window afterwords that feels like my I’m not in a chokehold for a second. It hijacks my entire mind that this is too much. These waves prevent me from caring about anything else. I feel like I have brain damage in my prefrontal cortex from the reaction because before, my care was in tact! 
my daughter is sick and all I can do is lay in bed and think about ending it because I can’t be a mom or provider or even someone to laugh with right now. Trying to fake warmth and I feel it’s cold. Scared about getting sick! This is so very hard. Two weeks ago I was normal. I’m sure this is jarring for my family. My brain has turned off. I had zero sleep last night. 
 

normally to “feel better” I would make a cup of coffee and sit at my desk and do a craft and watch YouTube. All of my comforts are basically inaccessible. 
I haven’t had a second to mourn the life I had to drop because my brain is off. Thinking about getting my stuff from my job is just too much. I can’t go to a hospital either! 

Edited February 3Feb 3 by Dngu

I do however feel like my body likes the medication within 1-3 hours of taking it. Slight sedative but I notice a grip loosen on my cns. It returns, but I feel like my body “likes” the immediate doses. We’ll see. 

Simply feeling like I’m going to have to radically rebuild myself to survive this and idk how to do that at my previous best. I was working on that! 

It’s almost like it feels like life will require being on hold for everyone for me to survive this. I don’t have anywhere to go to “heal” and focus on myself and the pressure of needing to be better sooner than 6-12 months from now is insane to me. 
 

just venting. Sorry. 

54 minutes ago, Dngu said:

It’s almost like it feels like life will require being on hold for everyone for me to survive this. I don’t have anywhere to go to “heal” and focus on myself and the pressure of needing to be better sooner than 6-12 months from now is insane to me. 
 

just venting. Sorry. 

Vent all the way if it's helpful to you, good to let off steam and also to measure progress and identify patterns in the long run, hope you'll feel better soon, I'm also having a crappy day today but it will pass, we'll keep staying strong and eventually we'll get there.
Health to your daughter, hope it's not too serious.

Take good care.

Edited February 3Feb 3 by Fullhealing

1 hour ago, Dngu said:

Nvm just searched SA omg won’t be doing that 

In general, the fewer additional drugs, medications and substances you ingest, the better, unless there is an urgent medical need.

 

There's a post planned on this, but this is longtime advice from SA as well.

 

42 minutes ago, Dngu said:

It’s almost like it feels like life will require being on hold for everyone for me to survive this. I don’t have anywhere to go to “heal” and focus on myself and the pressure of needing to be better sooner than 6-12 months from now is insane to me. 
 

just venting. Sorry. 

 

The hope would be that reinstatement gradually brings relief and stabilises you in the coming days or weeks.

 

Once that happens, you will hopefully have some more normality and you can decide what to do down the line from there.

 

hello @Dngu I am so sorry for your suffering! Terrible situation. 
 

This is interesting:

2 hours ago, Dngu said:

do however feel like my body likes the medication within 1-3 hours of taking it. Slight sedative but I notice a grip loosen on my cns. It returns, but I feel like my body “likes” the immediate doses. We’ll see. 

Maybe there are options, we do not know about, theoretically you could split the dose or updose a bit more since your experiences are so positive… But: This is not an advice at all (!) just to say that you maybe have options, especially so early in your journey. Maybe @LostinCanada could have a look into your situation? She’s very experienced. Also @getofflex. I hope it is OK that I tag you, but I think that dngu is in real need of competent support right now, the more the better.

 

take good care of yourself! You will return to your old self and your husband and daughter need you, never give up!

 

Edited February 3Feb 3 by Nemina

3 hours ago, Dngu said:

do however feel like my body likes the medication within 1-3 hours of taking it. Slight sedative but I notice a grip loosen on my cns. It returns, but I feel like my body “likes” the immediate doses. We’ll see. 

This really good news. 🎉🎉🎉

It has only been about 6 weeks since you jumped off. This is good in regards to recovery and stability. 

After 4 days at this dose, you may want to reassess and updose a little more to 0.5 mg. Wait a week after that and reassess again.

It is really about finding your sweet spot but also giving yourself enough time before increasing the dose. 

3 hours ago, Dngu said:

just venting. Sorry

Don't be sorry... just try not to overthink it. Create a calm environment of healing for yourself. CBT, mindfulness, calm music, whatever you need to heal....

❤️🙏

 

On 2/2/2026 at 11:42 AM, Dngu said:

I will say I took the dose 3 hours ago and no activation signs yet, felt slightly sedated hour 2. The reinstatement gives me one thing, some control and hope. I was hoping it would act more as a placebo and do nothing today. 
I think I’ll plan to stay on this dose for a week or two. I haven’t read the links closely for hold times but I know it’s generally a week or two. 

I think it is good that you are attempting the 0.25 mg reinstatement.  Please give it at least two weeks to begin work.  It takes about a week for it to fully get into your system and register with your brain.  After a couple of weeks, if your body tolerates this OK, meaning you don't get a lot worse, then you might consider increasing the dose a bit higher, if necessary.  You might go from 0.25 mg to 0.35 mg, but not until the 2 weeks are up.  What is really important right now is stability.  It is vital that you do not jump on and off this reinstatement, or change the dose frequently, thus further confusing your brain. I think a very low reinstatement has a good chance of helping you, but you have to be patient and wait for it to work.  It won't be a magic fix to make all the symptoms go away, but it should eventually reduce your symptoms.  I'm very sorry this has happened to you, and you lost your job.  

 

I haven't read your entire thread, but I have read your first few posts, and your drug signature.  Please be patient, and hang in there.  There is a light at the end of this tunnel, but it will take time, and patience.  

Edited February 3Feb 3 by getofflex

5 hours ago, Dngu said:

normally to “feel better” I would make a cup of coffee and sit at my desk and do a craft and watch YouTube

Please avoid the caffeine.  Please read this to see why this is happening to you.  It's important to understand why you are having these symptoms and what is going on with your nervous system.  

 

How Psychiatric Drugs Remodel Your Brain

 

This helps you understand what withdrawal syndrome is: 

 

 Video on Recovery from Psych Drugs

 

What is Withdrawal Syndrome?

 

On 2/2/2026 at 7:13 PM, Dngu said:

That was an option I was looking at at the beginning of this and I just decided against it because the job caused a huge source of stress and there is no way I would be able to handle the workload anytime soon. Ruminated over that for a while a week ago 

You did what you thought was best. Go with that. I hope that you can stabilize and reassess things soon. There are a lot of moving parts. Set aside some time to reflect when you have that window. Perhaps after some sort of gentle exercise (walk or stretching with deep, belly breathing). You will have that window, as the teeter tottering or pendulation* of the brain does this, and can find clarity. It is there even if it is feel buried at times. Our inner core self knows what we need and what we can do. I will pray for you right now and other on the site for healing on all levels. Be well, my friend.

 

*pendulation of activation and deactivation cycles--more energy/action and less energy/relaxing

3 hours ago, getofflex said:

 You might go from 0.25 mg to 0.35 mg, but not until the 2 weeks are up.  What is really important right now is stability.  It is vital that you do not jump on and off this reinstatement, or change the dose frequently, thus further confusing your brain.

I will defer to Getofflex.... especially because of your kindling reaction. 

3 hours ago, getofflex said:

Please avoid the caffeine

Depending on whether your body is dependent on it, you may wish to reduce it till you are caffeine free...be careful with chocolate and green and black teas also.

❤️🙏

It's definitely a valid point from @getofflex that as well as adjusting the dose, it takes some time taking it for the quantity of medication in our bodies to stabilise.

16 hours ago, Dngu said:

Thanks for the kind words. Reinstatement is okay with no reactions. 
new issue has arises, my daughter has contracted the stomach bug. I have slept hardly at all in weeks or ate. I’m concerned to say the least. Also wondering if zofran is just out of the question in case I get sick 

Im so sorry to hear about your daughter not another stress for you to deal with. I hope she is feeling a little better now?

 

16 hours ago, Dngu said:

Still very suicidal. Immediately after lexapro dose I feel sedated and get a window afterwords that feels like my I’m not in a chokehold for a second. It hijacks my entire mind that this is too much. These waves prevent me from caring about anything else. I feel like I have brain damage in my prefrontal cortex from the reaction because before, my care was in tact! 
my daughter is sick and all I can do is lay in bed and think about ending it because I can’t be a mom or provider or even someone to laugh with right now. Trying to fake warmth and I feel it’s cold. Scared about getting sick! This is so very hard. Two weeks ago I was normal. I’m sure this is jarring for my family. My brain has turned off. I had zero sleep last night. 

Please be safe. Your mind is lying to you SI is a very common WD symptom. Make you have support around you to keep you from harm

 

16 hours ago, Dngu said:

normally to “feel better” I would make a cup of coffee and sit at my desk and do a craft and watch YouTube. All of my comforts are basically inaccessible. 

I know this feeling. You will get used to the changes in your life and find other things to distract as you heal I promise. Staying away from Caffeine is good idea.

 

16 hours ago, Dngu said:

I do however feel like my body likes the medication within 1-3 hours of taking it. Slight sedative but I notice a grip loosen on my cns. It returns, but I feel like my body “likes” the immediate doses. We’ll see. 

Good. This is a positive sign for sure.

 

10 hours ago, getofflex said:

I think it is good that you are attempting the 0.25 mg reinstatement.  Please give it at least two weeks to begin work.  It takes about a week for it to fully get into your system and register with your brain.  After a couple of weeks, if your body tolerates this OK, meaning you don't get a lot worse, then you might consider increasing the dose a bit higher, if necessary.  You might go from 0.25 mg to 0.35 mg, but not until the 2 weeks are up.  What is really important right now is stability.  It is vital that you do not jump on and off this reinstatement, or change the dose frequently, thus further confusing your brain. I think a very low reinstatement has a good chance of helping you, but you have to be patient and wait for it to work.  It won't be a magic fix to make all the symptoms go away, but it should eventually reduce your symptoms.  I'm very sorry this has happened to you, and you lost your job.  

I agree 100% with Getofflex. The CNS wants stability it is so important.

Also be aware symptoms can be delayed from onset by a few weeks so if you up dose too soon or by too much you might suddenly have problems. Just be patient. 🙂 

 

You're doing a great job here you should be very proud of yourself. It's a lot to take in and deal with. Plus you have other things in your life adding stress. Just one day at a time. Those days will add up and you will start to see more clearly.

 

Chippy

Thank you all. I will say that the violent SI and agitation has settled out of no where but I’m left only with apathy and anhedonia. I’m on day 2 of 0 sleep and feel I’m losing it. The reinstatements so far has agreed with me and I might be in a window but it’s so hard to tell because when I open Facebook it just looks like a life I used to know and it’s slipping away more and more. 
I feel like a mental patient. Like my brain is off. I’ve tried to find others with symptoms similar to mine after an activation event. Or maybe my activation event was a significant bomb on my brain. 
im just constantly seeking comforts that don’t exist. The bed, the warm water on my feet, a cup of spearmint tea, and constantly thinking/scrolling is the only small comfort and it’s not even that. Almost just like a little reward in my system. Nothing else gives that. Other people I see have windows and waves. I see physical symptoms and I’m thankful I don’t have many of those (besides no appetite and insomnia) They may enjoy being around their family still and love them. I miss my old self and my old life that I had a couple of weeks ago. Family probably waiting for me to come around and I’m getting worse physically. 
 

not sure how or when to have a conversation about how severe this is to my husband. They are tip toeing around me but I know I can’t just be a log in a bed with no brain while everyone lives their life. 
 

was very positive last night and this morning but that only last while I’m in bed eyes shut. When reality hits I just can’t believe I’m here somehow. 

Edited February 4Feb 4 by Dngu
Clarified tea

And I have also quit the caffeine 2-3 days prior

Dr had also given me intermittent alprazolam to use. I stopped using it a couple of days ago. I used it throughout a week in different doses.

Read your comment that you were praying for me last night. I was wondering if someone was, because I felt it. I was reading scripture yesterday too. I’ve not spent my life close with Jesus but was becoming close before this and now it feels like the only thing I have. 

Trying to find a silver lining at all. I am in a window and it appears to be from my reinstatement I would assume because it immediate improved with that along with no caffeine. I am also a heavy thc user which I know is psychoactive. It helps. It’s obvious I’m the kind of person with addictive tendency’s and medicate myself to cope with stress. Not a good combo rn. Trying to figure out how to support myself for years and years while “nursing an injury” essentially. I’m going to lose my husband and daughter. They essentially lost the mom they knew Jan 20th. That breaks my heart beyond measure. 
everything feels HOPELESS. This is the most honest I’ve been able to be and that may be the window. 
 

and this “window” is being able to shove oatmeal in my mouth, feel “hope” or something not SI, and have talked to my daughter with a more normal tone not flat affect but still faking it. this is probably because I was okay with taking SI a few days ago. Now that has settled. 
my brain is a chronic “figurer outer”. I miss my family so much and don’t want them to notice I am not me anymore! I know they already notice. I miss my mother in law but don’t know how to talk to anyone. How do I answer “how are you doing?” I don’t even know what day it is. 
 

leaving the house is impossible, how am I supposed to get my stuff from work? It just feels this isn’t survivable. I know others have said that. But this is bad and idk how to get more time to fake it essentially 

How do people eat through this? I’ve managed bites of food for days for 2 weeks and no sleep. How can my body just keep going I don’t understand 

5 minutes ago, Dngu said:

How do people eat through this? I’ve managed bites of food for days for 2 weeks and no sleep. How can my body just keep going I don’t understand 

It's amazing what our bodies can handle, I'm definitely pushing the limits and it's still holding, same with our souls.

Easier days will come for all of us, hold on, be gentle with yourself.

Is it normal to just not care about anything that made you you? Is that a wave? Sorry for the separate comments I do that out of despair!

58 minutes ago, Dngu said:

I am in a window and it appears to be from my reinstatement I would assume because it immediate improved with that along with no caffeine.

This is wonderful!  if the reinstatement continues to go well, after a couple of weeks, we can talk about the possibility of increasing it slightly, to see if that helps even more, should you need it.  

 

Just be aware that alprazolam is highly addictive.  One can become addicted to it after just a couple of weeks, and even just using it a few times a week can cause some dependency, and perhaps confuse your nervous system.  Just a heads up, please be very careful with it.  

 

58 minutes ago, Dngu said:

I am also a heavy thc user which I know is psychoactive. It helps. It’s obvious I’m the kind of person with addictive tendency’s and medicate myself to cope with stress.

This is another confounding factor. Using other psychoactive substances during tapering and withdrawal is not recommended.  Please read this link about THC, and other psychoactives.  

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/18698-cannabis-marijuana-hashish-thc-cbd-cannabidiol-or-hemp-oil/#comment-85476

 

What you are experiencing sounds like anhedonia.  This is a common symptom of withdrawal, and it will eventually decrease and subside.  Please read:  

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/2873-apathy-anhedonia-emotional-numbness-emotional-anesthesia/#comment-5105

 

Finally, please read the first 2 posts in this link, it will help you cope, and give you hope.  

 

Techniques for Managing Withdrawal 

 

Here is a link with lots of techniques for coping with the symptoms: 

 

Non Drug Ways to Cope with Withdrawal Symptoms

Edited February 4Feb 4 by getofflex