Hello, I used to post a bit on SurvivingAntidepressants, figured I would create an account here. Long story short, was on Effexor for 10 years, made a bunch of recent medication changes that screwed my brain up, and now I am 8 months, 1 week, and 5 days off everything with severe emotional blunting, brain fog, and DPDR. The blunting seems to be a result of some kind of kindling reaction from reinstating two different medications at the same time at full dose after severe withdrawal. The brain fog and DPDR happened afterwards as a withdrawal symptom as I tapered off Effexor. The brain fog and DPDR are managable but the emotional blunting is my biggest struggle. Both positive and negative emotions are very badly numbed and I have lost pretty much everything that made me a human being. I don't know how much I will be active here since I have very little desire to socialize or connect with others because of the numbing but I figured I would make an account just in case.

 

Sometimes I have brief periods where I am a bit more invested in things around me and I can even experience some very faint sensations of being invested in things like music or humor, but these sensations always feel very artificial, flat, and out of character. So my "windows" are just me being slightly less apathetic to everything. Hopefully this is a sign of recovery but I admit it is very hard for me to feel hope. I think this is because hope is also an emotion and since I have no emotions I can't feel hope. DPDR and brain fog also fluctate but it's so subtle I have a hard time noticing it. My symptoms have left me unemployed and I am currently living with my parents just waiting for all this to end. If it'll ever end.

 

Here is my SA thread if you are interested https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/32263-greggerypeccary-effexor-to-zoloft-then-back-again/

Hi @GreggeryPeccary

 

Welcome to the forum it is great to have you here.

 

Thank you for making your introduction topic above.

 

Im so sorry for all you are going through. As you know your drug history of switches, CTs and RIs has seriously sensitised your nervous system. You then tapered VERY quickly to zero which wasn't advisable.

 

Now you are off I hope and expect that in time you will start to improve. Healing is happening all of the time even when we don't realise it. The theory is that when we are at our worst is when we are healing the most.

 

From what I am reading you are showing some positive signs. You have not been off long and there is a lot of potential for healing from here.

 

I understand you might not want to interact on here too much but we are here for you when you do.

 

Wishing you well my friend.

 

Chippy

Welcome to the forum, I'm sorry to hear about the difficult time you're having.

 

Emotional blunting after coming off of these drugs is a common symptom. I experienced it quite severely myself, even to the point of being unable to feel fear, and not having response to "jump" stimuli like loud sounds etc.

 

This has all recovered for the most part for me, in time. It did however, take a lot of time. At 8 months off there is a lot of precedent for healing and the somewhat improved times are a good early sign of this, even if they're not wide-open windows.

14 hours ago, GreggeryPeccary said:

Hello, I used to post a bit on SurvivingAntidepressants, figured I would create an account here. Long story short, was on Effexor for 10 years, made a bunch of recent medication changes that screwed my brain up, and now I am 8 months, 1 week, and 5 days off everything with severe emotional blunting, brain fog, and DPDR. The blunting seems to be a result of some kind of kindling reaction from reinstating two different medications at the same time at full dose after severe withdrawal. The brain fog and DPDR happened afterwards as a withdrawal symptom as I tapered off Effexor. The brain fog and DPDR are managable but the emotional blunting is my biggest struggle. Both positive and negative emotions are very badly numbed and I have lost pretty much everything that made me a human being. I don't know how much I will be active here since I have very little desire to socialize or connect with others because of the numbing but I figured I would make an account just in case.

 

Sometimes I have brief periods where I am a bit more invested in things around me and I can even experience some very faint sensations of being invested in things like music or humor, but these sensations always feel very artificial, flat, and out of character. So my "windows" are just me being slightly less apathetic to everything. Hopefully this is a sign of recovery but I admit it is very hard for me to feel hope. I think this is because hope is also an emotion and since I have no emotions I can't feel hope. DPDR and brain fog also fluctate but it's so subtle I have a hard time noticing it. My symptoms have left me unemployed and I am currently living with my parents just waiting for all this to end. If it'll ever end.

 

Here is my SA thread if you are interested https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/32263-greggerypeccary-effexor-to-zoloft-then-back-again/

@GreggeryPeccary welcome to the least desirable place but fortunately exist for us, very sorry for everything you are experiencing.

I can definitely relate to the difficulty in connecting/socialize, for me, in contrast, it creates anxiety on an unfamiliar hellish level but that's just the other side of withdrawal coin, everything stems from there.

You mentioned that you have moments of interest and humor, humor is a big one, even if short, it is still an encouraging sign of healing, try to hold on to it, over time things will get better, the system needs time, you are not alone, we are all here for you.

@Luke @Fullhealing @Chippy Thank you for the encouragement. It seems very likely in my scenario it might take up to 2 to 3 years for me to heal. I really don't want to spend the next few years in this inhuman state but I guess it won't last forever (probably) which is good. I wonder if I recover if I will even remember how to be a human again?

 

Thanks for making this site, by the way. It must be very hard to run a website while also going through withdrawal so you definitely deserve commendation.

9 minutes ago, GreggeryPeccary said:

@Luke @Fullhealing @Chippy Thank you for the encouragement. It seems very likely in my scenario it might take up to 2 to 3 years for me to heal. I really don't want to spend the next few years in this inhuman state but I guess it won't last forever (probably) which is good. I wonder if I recover if I will even remember how to be a human again?

 

Thanks for making this site, by the way. It must be very hard to run a website while also going through withdrawal so you definitely deserve commendation.

You are most welcome @GreggeryPeccary  

 

People definitely do improve over time and I believe given enough time we will all heal and be back to a normal life one day. 2-3 years is a typical timeline for sure. I am wishing you a speedy recovery though. 
 

Appreciate the support. We felt someone had to do something. We need a bigger team but hopefully in time others will join us to help keep the site going. In the mean time we are doing our best! 😀

1 hour ago, GreggeryPeccary said:

@Luke @Fullhealing @Chippy Thank you for the encouragement. It seems very likely in my scenario it might take up to 2 to 3 years for me to heal. I really don't want to spend the next few years in this inhuman state but I guess it won't last forever (probably) which is good. I wonder if I recover if I will even remember how to be a human again?

 

Thanks for making this site, by the way. It must be very hard to run a website while also going through withdrawal so you definitely deserve commendation.

 

It might, or it might take another few months.

 

You may also find that emotional blunting improves before other symptoms. I am mainly struggling physically now.

 

You are welcome, I hope it helps you.

Hi, welcome to the forum. I am another sufferer of severe emotional blunting. I am 5 months off all meds. I completely understand why you don't want to connect. I end up with apathy that is so severe, I want to just tell my friends to F off, both in the hope I might feel SOMETHING by doing it, but also to just be left alone. Making conversation when you literally have nothing to talk about because your life is a robotic blank, and being unmoved by the conversation of others is devastating. I liken this to living in a padded bubble with no connection to the world. 

 

You are not the only one with these symptoms, hang in there.

4 minutes ago, Sminismoni said:

Hi, welcome to the forum. I am another sufferer of severe emotional blunting. I am 5 months off all meds. I completely understand why you don't want to connect. I end up with apathy that is so severe, I want to just tell my friends to F off, both in the hope I might feel SOMETHING by doing it, but also to just be left alone. Making conversation when you literally have nothing to talk about because your life is a robotic blank, and being unmoved by the conversation of others is devastating. I liken this to living in a padded bubble with no connection to the world. 

 

You are not the only one with these symptoms, hang in there.

Yes, it is quite unnerving. I find I have very little connection or empathy even to my family and my cat. I think this makes me come off as quite rude to others although I am not trying to be

Hi @GreggeryPeccary,

 

I can totally relate to your symptoms.. 

Its my most debilitating symptom.. along with bad (pressure) headaches.

My brain feels like it is stuck in a different setting. It feels rigid, clinical, blank and linear (if that makes sense). My thoughts are coming back a little more (luckily) but it is not that dreamy or emotionally loaded.. sometimes the world even feels “4k” but in a very unnatural / static way. I don’t know if you can relate ?

 

Can’t wait to get my emotions (even sadness) back.. 

@Sophia Yes I totally relate to things feeling clinical and blank. I have found that even imagining things in my head is more difficult. When I try to visualize something in my mind it feels hazier

Hi @GreggeryPeccary, I very much relate to what you describe, and also what Sminismoni said. I must say that I do experience a vague form of anger/resentment/bitterness as well. As for imagining things, the clearest things I can picture right now are random childhood memories I haven't thought about in over a decade, maybe even close to two decades. For some reason I can see those pretty vivedly, sometimes I even get a hint of the feelings within that memory. 

 

Anyway's i'm curious to follow how this works out for you.

2 hours ago, GreggeryPeccary said:

Yes I totally relate to things feeling clinical and blank. I have found that even imagining things in my head is more difficult. When I try to visualize something in my mind it feels hazier

There were times in the first 3 months where I had no internal dialogue at all. Couldn't imagine (still can't), but also couldn’t talk to myself in my head. It was pure fog.

Today is 8 months and 2 weeks off. Now that I am back in my parents house I look at the photos on the walls and I notice something. All the photos of me as a kid show a normal, happy boy but in all the ones taken post Effexor I have this dead look in my eyes and a fake smile. I really believe these drugs have numbed me for the entirety of these 10 years. It's only now that the numbing is so strong that I can't ignore it. I would be angry if I could get angry.

 

I can't help but think this does not bode well for me. 10 years of meds plus multiple reinstatements and withdrawals and throwing Zoloft in the mix as well... I have seen people who are 5 to 8 years off meds and still having emotional numbing. Maybe those cases are rare but I can't help thinking that I am doomed to this fate.

Hi @GreggeryPeccary,

 

I know how you feel 😞 

have you seen any improvements in past 8 months? Are other things also blunted ? Like sensations, skin, etc.?

 

@Sophia I don't know if there have been improvements. Maybe some small fluctuations only. My sense of smell and taste is also blunted to some degree and my appetite is weaker. Also my vision has suddenly gotten worse. I've always had perfect 20/20 vision but recently far away things have started to become blurry. Maybe it's a coincidence and my eyes are finally going bad but I have seen others report vision problems so idk

2 hours ago, GreggeryPeccary said:

Today is 8 months and 2 weeks off. Now that I am back in my parents house I look at the photos on the walls and I notice something. All the photos of me as a kid show a normal, happy boy but in all the ones taken post Effexor I have this dead look in my eyes and a fake smile. I really believe these drugs have numbed me for the entirety of these 10 years. It's only now that the numbing is so strong that I can't ignore it. I would be angry if I could get angry.

 

I can't help but think this does not bode well for me. 10 years of meds plus multiple reinstatements and withdrawals and throwing Zoloft in the mix as well... I have seen people who are 5 to 8 years off meds and still having emotional numbing. Maybe those cases are rare but I can't help thinking that I am doomed to this fate.

@GreggeryPeccary I know doom all too well (only since I started tapering) and it's very easy to get sucked in but remember that your mind is playing tricks on you. It will tell you the biggest, most unlikely horrors! All the symptoms you are experiencing are common and they pass in the vast majority of cases and long before your withdrawal mind predicts.

Keep surviving and you will prove to know.

I used to be a very anxious person. I was always fretting about some nonsense and I had constant OCD. I was the type of guy to get nervous making doctor's appointments over the phone. Now I have almost zero anxiety. I actually think I have so little anxiety it might be dangerous. For instance, when you are driving, you need a certain level of anxiety to remain vigilant so you don't get into accidents. That combined with the brain fog and vision problems makes me wonder if perhaps I shouldn't be on the road.

 

I remember after I quit Zoloft and Effexor at the same time my anxiety went crazy. It was so severe I couldn't concentrate on anything, including my job. It's why I was so desperate to reinstate. Then after I reinstated the numbing happened. I wonder if it's some sort of self defense mechanism my mind is imposing to stop me from feeling that stress. Maybe it sounds insensitive to those who have severe anxiety but I wish I could have it back. I would give anything to feel again, even if it's anxiety. I hoped after I got off everything again that the anxiety would come back, but so far nothing has happened. In fact, many of the withdrawal symptoms I had during previous attempts to discontinue like brain zaps and burning sensations in my head have been completely absent this time. It's like something shifted in my head. The lack of those symptoms makes this current bout of withdrawal not feel "real", like no change is happening.

I Experience the EXACT same thing. I used to be very sensitive and anxious. I could not watch crime shows or scary stuff. Thriller movies gave me adrenaline. Sad stuff teared me up. Now.. nothing.. my brain feels stuck in different setting. 
 

I get what you are saying.. i am missing my anxiety. It made me me.. it showed me that I cared over stuff. 

Today is 8 months, 3 weeks, and 1 day off. I'm beginning to think that the small "fluctuations" in numbness I was feeling were just in my head. I think I might have just been responding to changes in my environment and behavior rather than any true windows and waves pattern. I really wish I could have some clearly noticable windows and waves so I could at least tell that something is happening. I have read from several people that 9 months seems to be a turning point but I'm not getting my hopes up. I screwed up my brain really bad and I feel like it's going to take a lot longer than that.

 

If we're counting the time I was on medication then I have been dealing with this numbness for about a year and a half. What's strange is that it feels like no time has passed at all. This numbness has really screwed up my sense of the passage of time. Every day just kind of blurs together.

hi @GreggeryPeccary,

 

2 hours ago, GreggeryPeccary said:

I think I might have just been responding to changes in my environment and behavior rather than any true windows and waves pattern

I honestly don’t think it is a bad thing! That means your nervous system is still responding to the environment and therefore not completely static. This means your own behaviors can have a positive effect! Maybe this helps with your brain “remembering” how it can be and promoting neuroplasticity! 
 

2 hours ago, GreggeryPeccary said:

This numbness has really screwed up my sense of the passage of time. Every day just kind of blurs together.

I can relate.. tho we are young and once we come to the other side, we still have plenty of time to enjoy our life. 
 

I read these success story today and it gave me hope! 
 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/31009-3bbsgurkpog-great-success/
 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/26793-violets-fully-recovered-from-severe-form-of-pssd-after-two-years/

 

@Sophia Thank you for the success stories. It's good to be reminded that things aren't completely hopeless. Although I really hope this doesn't take 4 years... I also wish I could find people with a similiar history to mine that recovered, but my situation is so complicated that might be impossible

13 minutes ago, GreggeryPeccary said:

@Sophia Thank you for the success stories. It's good to be reminded that things aren't completely hopeless. Although I really hope this doesn't take 4 years... I also wish I could find people with a similiar history to mine that recovered, but my situation is so complicated that might be impossible

@GreggeryPeccary I think withdrawal mindset is taking over and telling you that you are an exception but let me assure you that you are not, many faces to withdrawal and yours is one of it, I have seen many cases like yours on all sorts of forums and they have recovered.

I know it is hard but don't think too far ahead, it can be defeating, just keep surviving, do what you can, every second that passes you are closer to the end, you will get there.

Edited March 2Mar 2 by Fullhealing

9 months now. I have settled into a constant routine which makes me forget how bad some of my symptoms still are. Whenever I have to go out and do some chore or read something complicated I am reminded that my brain fog is still really bad. I was hoping to be able to at least return to work after a year off but that seems impossible now. My mom is not happy about this. She seems to think I just have regular depression and that I need to go out and find a job and see a therapist or a psychiatrist. I keep telling her time is the only thing that can cure me but she is still dismissive of what I'm going through.

Hi @GreggeryPeccary,

 

I know how you feel. Just keep pushing, a window can suddenly appear! ❤️‍🩹

 

Maybe show your mother some content on PAWS? 😊