On 8/28/2026 at 5:07 PM, ALonelySoul12 said:

Update, went to sleep unusually early yesterday and took about 3 hours of relaxing music, but managed to get quite the restorative uninterrupted sleep. Haven't really counted the hours, but around 6 to 8.

Symptoms softened today and took the opportunity to take care of the plants, took some sun in my terrace, lazy showered, did simple laundry... Now I'm lying in bed as symptoms and paranoias returned from pushing myself, but it was nice to be able to function for a couple hours. I hope it's a sign of more and better to come. But I miss being able to do things without fear of symptoms, mood changes or being easily overwhelmed with emotions I can't process. I miss my mountain bike, friends and the nature around my town so much.

These are good signs, especially getting better sleep quality.

20 hours ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

Sigh, back to feeling terrible. Woke up with pain and tense all over, everything overwhelms me, I get palpitations for no reason, feel cold and hot at the same time, balance is off, eating is a struggle, stomach, bowels and abdomen hurt... Can't believe that at 13+ months off I'm still unable to self care and suffering so many symptoms, when I was fully able the earlier months. A friend wanted to watch a movie with me tonight, but I suppose I'm way too unstable for these things now, I can't handle anything today, just my bed

Unfortunately, this is how progress often starts, small glimmers followed by a crashing back down to awful again.

It's extremely difficult psychologically and people who are not this physically affected struggle to comprehend what it is like. I know this, because I was in a similar situation to you for a very long time. Not exactly the same symptoms, but very, very debilitated with physical symptoms.

I did eventually, finally, go on to begin improving. There is a good chance that you will too.

Does having this illness mean I'll never be able to take medication ever again? Before meds I had seborrheic dermatitis that would itch the life out of me despite using medicated shampoos. I also had ibs where I would feel terrible after going to the bathroom every morning and after meals. With lexapro, I even forgot I had these issues as I got to experience life feeling "normal". For me escitalopram wasn't a mental only fix, but something that was useful for other diseases that were stopping from living a normal life. It was miserable to go out in fear to need to use the bathroom unexpectedly due to sudden watery diarrhea spells, or dandruff making me look like I had no hygiene getting mocked for it... It also went constantly in my eyes.

I really don't want to keep going, on my way to 14 months of total mental and physical disability, with the occasional day where I can half function for a couple hours... But then it's back to all the physical symptoms, the inability to work, can't talk to friends or be social so I'm all by myself, can't tolerate shows or games, other health issues and complications are popping up due to this sickly lifestyle, no symptoms have gotten better, or softer so I can function better or more often, windows get shorter and less satisfying... And the previous pre-med issues that I know they will never go away or get better are also making a comeback. 100 symptoms now when I only had 5 at most when kindled. Ears ringing, upset stomach, occasional panic attacks, occasional twitching and nose burning at the start, but went away after some weeks.

On meds, when I had a bad reaction in 2022 with sulpiride, I got escitalopram increased for a while and paired with occasional benzos if sleep was an issue, and after 2 months I was benzo free and back to normal. Now I'm on my way to 14 months with nothing to show for it but total hopelessness and praying to god to give me the courage to finally take my own life. There will be no healing from this for me, not after all the damage it's causing. Not after losing the love of my life after 6 years together building the best friendship and relationship I ever had, after taking away the only window I had in life where I could build a future for myself without worrying about my aging parents or other adult responsibilities. I'll never build something with these complications both new and pre-existing, lifelong sensitivities to medicines and treatments, mental dysfunction... Every new year is worse than the previous one. Just let me die or medicate me numb.

I've always been different. Smarter than other kids since I was 5, suffering already from anxiety, being mocked by my teachers because almost no kid suffers from these weird obsessions and anxieties at that age. Then struggle being social, discover I'm asexual so I'm only romantically attracted, with no sexual desire to do anything. Oh how fun was it to spend years in an incredibly small dating pool, find happiness with someone weird like me, only to destroy it all. Please lord, take me away already, there's nothing else I look forward to anymore.

Edited September 1Sep 1 by ALonelySoul12

@ALonelySoul12 hang in the mate! Try not to think too far ahead.

We do need to be careful about what we take going forwards. I think it is also worth reframing the effectiveness of 'taking' something for every little issue that comes up. My eyes are opened to pharma now. I don't want their poisons, I want to let my body do what it's good at.

Keep yourself safe mate. Mindset is everything. I know this is so tough for you, however the way out of this is through. No alternatives or escape routes. Just trust your body and know you are strong enough to cope with this even though at times it won't feel that way.

2 minutes ago, Chippy said:

@ALonelySoul12 hang in the mate! Try not to think too far ahead.

We do need to be careful about what we take going forwards. I think it is also worth reframing the effectiveness of 'taking' something for every little issue that comes up. My eyes are opened to pharma now. I don't want their poisons, I want to let my body do what it's good at.

Keep yourself safe mate. Mindset is everything. I know this is so tough for you, however the way out of this is through. No alternatives or escape routes. Just trust your body and know you are strong enough to cope with this even though at times it won't feel that way.

I mean, I understand these medications cause harm too... But I feel like hanging in there hoping all my issues will disappear is just wishful thinking after dealing with them for over a decade or close to two 😅 I've never been one to take medicines when anything came up. I drove my ex crazy because I never took anything for colds or covid, while she would go straight to the pharmacy for lozenges, flu medicine, etc...

But now I'm developing serious stuff like all the new GI stuff where I'm forced to take a ppi now, otherwise the constant gastritis, abdomen twitches that make me hiccup, constant gas and bloating, reflux burning my throat constantly because my stomach valve is weak too, which not only is it more misery, but after a while it becomes barret's esophagus and can evolve into cancer eventually. I can't even go for another endoscopy because I'm either anxious out of my mind with my gag reflex, or I need to be sedated asleep 🙃 Same for surgery to fix this weak valve, that I don't know if it's also related to stopping escitalopram because I never had this issue before stopping. I was a normal person eating everything and living normally. Then stopping originally, antibiotics and here I am 2 years later. It's the gift that never stops giving. Stopping one med will put me in more than one, or even the operating table

Edited September 1Sep 1 by ALonelySoul12

@ALonelySoul12

Keep strong bro I had most of the same symptoms you do, my gut was so messed up but it’s started getting better now Im having windows.

You got this 👊

22 hours ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

I don't know if it's also related to stopping escitalopram because I never had this issue before stopping. I was a normal person eating everything and living normally. Then stopping originally, antibiotics and here I am 2 years later.

Think this tells you everything you need to know mate.

22 hours ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

It's the gift that never stops giving. Stopping one med will put me in more than one, or even the operating table

Sadly, it's why we say to avoid at all costs taking things unless you absolutely have to. Gotten get off the slippery slope!

Not everyone is sensitive to other drugs and medications, and this becomes especially true once people begin to recover or have recovered.

I don't think I'm staying in this journey anymore. Next week I'll be on holidays, having a work performance talk when I return just as I feared. I don't think I want to return.

After many months of complete mental and physical disability without improvement, to the point I cannot function, shower, talk, enjoy a game, work, cook, eat, read, or care for myself. To the point I lost everything and everyone I cared about. Praying to god daily he takes me away from all this constant relentless agony while he just watches... Spending most of my time alone, in bed, hurting all over, sick, restless, twitching, vibrating, with 4 different tones of tinnitus, unable to tolerate anything since another severe worsening last month. I think this is the perfect window to research a bit to ensure maximum success rate, and find my peaceful way out before this illness decides it for me in a way more slow and painful declining manner.

In my 20s, I already knew I wouldn't make it too far because of my broken mind. But I was healthy enough, so I gave ADs a try. It wasn't all perfect and didn't fulfill everything my family expected of me like getting a driver's license or being more successful, but they gave me a good 10 year extension and fixed many other issues like dermatitis and IBS. I could finally live a normal life where you worry about the silly little things like if a girl liked me or not, or which restaurant I'd like to try next. At some point, I even considered myself to be happy and fulfilled. I reached higher than I ever thought I would reach, thinking a normal life where you marry your partner, work full time and build a family was posible. Sadly, after quitting my meds, I figured out that it's not as my brain returned to my previous broken state, with extra damage to boot. Past me died 2 years ago and seeing the only thing that worked no longer function, I think it's time for future me to join the party.

I'm so sorry, I'd like to thank all of you that tried your best to help me out. I tried my best too by not taking anything during this process despite desperately needing a reinstatement, substitute, or palliative care. Even before, I never drank alcohol or did other substances to have as much quality of life as I could, but it wasn't enough. Not everyone makes it I guess.

Thank you all again, wherever the final destination takes us, I'll see you there.

Edited September 5Sep 5 by ALonelySoul12

Are you able to be with someone today? Or call someone? Please hold on. There have been so many people who have gotten through this difficult time. You can too.

Please get professional help if you need to.

@ALonelySoul12 please do what you need to keep yourself safe today. Do you have someone with you? I think you live with your dad, is he around?

Stay in the fight. This is not forever. You can make it.

@ALonelySoul12 my heart is crying reading your post my friend! This is a temporary all be it very difficult experience. You have the strength to hang on, I know you do. Please reach out where you need to keep yourself safe. You are so young, so much to live for, please don't make rash long term choices for a situation that will end eventually.

@ALonelySoul12 you have every hope of improving in time. I was utterly physically ******, just like you are now, and could not work at all for two years.

I'm not anymore, and improving all the time. It is likely that you will too, in time

The immense SI is something that I also struggled with and I am pleased to say that is has improved massively. It's not natural and I don't think that it is for you. Whilst it is reasonable to think that life is not worthwhile when you're suffering this much, as I did too, it's also very much a withdrawal symptom to constantly think about this.

19 hours ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

before this illness decides it for me in a way more slow and painful declining manner.

It's very unlikely that you will just continue to decline.

It's common to be worse coming up to and around the 1 year mark, as you have experienced, and you were not this bad several months ago. Based on the stories of others it's highly likely that you will begin to improve out of this period again and get better.

I would suggest picking a date to hold on for, and resolve to get there and then see where you are with improvements then. 6 months or another year. I think it's very likely that by then you will be considerably less disabled and impaired.

God has heard each and every one of your prayers, and He sees you, dear @ALonelySoul12

I will pray for you.

You need to find your footing again on the path of Love, including love for yourself. Please give yourself this gift, even in the midst of all this horror, because you deserve it, regardless of the circumstances or of what people say or think about you. You will always remain yourself, despite the circumstances.

Don't let them define you or make you feel dirty, my friend. That would be a mistake.

I know that in a situation like this, you are unable to see even the slightest positive sign, but as the other members have said, you will make progress with time. Time will always be your friend.

In the end, you will be proud that you chose to believe. Absolutely nothing in life is permanent, neither the good nor the bad.

When you can, turn the volume all the way down on the negative chemical emotions that are overwhelming you, and turn up the volume on your reason, which tells you that others have been able to gradually improve, or even recover, and that it will be no different for you!

It sounds like you have had a very painful past, but this ordeal will gradually free you from your chains.

It is time to put yourself first in YOUR life, and you will be able to do so fully once all of this is behind you. Let go of your family's expectations; they are not you, and they never will be.

I beg you, please, don't give the Devil any reason to rejoice 😢. Don't listen to him for even a second; he is the one speaking to us through these damn chemical suicidal thoughts, intrusive thoughts, and everything else...

You matter enormously. 🩷

I don't want to set more goalposts, I want to be free. I don't want to see my friends anymore, I don't want to go out anymore, I cannot return to work anymore, I don't even want to post here anymore. Everything is terrifying, I'm sick out of my mind, reacting horribly to even mosquito bites. It's been over two months since I properly went outside for a walk, or even took a shower. But I'm too sick for life. I'm terrified of getting even a cold now, for I don't know how more hellish every symptom will get.

I tried to be positive, thinking that maybe after passing the one year mark I'd be able to start doing a bit more, maybe stabilize a bit... Maybe some symptoms would be milder, or my mind would be a bit more manageable so I could develop a routine. But I simply continued developing new things and getting worse. I'm a worst case scenario with a complete body and mind failure.

I'm paranoid out of my mind all day, my heart racing at every movement, nerves burning, vibrating internally, hearing my heart swishing internally at every beat, hearing 3 different tones of tinnitus, sweating and hot flashes, twitching, my eyesight going dark randomly, my whole digestive system twitching, burning and hiccuping even when drinking water giving me reflux, I feel like I have the flu daily, cannot tolerate games or sound anymore, wake up incredibly sick every morning with racing heart and symptoms full force when sleep was my only relief from this.

This is my 90 day healing time-line that I started in June despite being in the **** since March. It's not worth continuing, it's been 2 years and 2 months since I tapered off originally and everything slowly started with nothing to show for it. I'm on vacation and can not tolerate anything. My job was already hellish because of my instability, and it only got worse. If only I turned a small corner, enough so I could at least process work from home, but I'm gonna return to work in an even worse state than before vacation.

Animals get put down for less suffering, and it's inhuman that I need to find and plan my own way out with every information blocked with a hot line that won't stop all this constant ever present pain.

But I have nothing else to look forward to. I thought that maybe once the heat died down I would start to have less constant terrible days and save my dream job, but it's been the opposite. Terrible horror days are more constant, windows are gone, days get shorter, more depressing and overwhelming, I look forward to less and less things... All I do during this vacation is lie in bed in complete silence, brain dead drooling while my heart races, sweating, eyesight going dark and blurry, hearing all the different tinnitus, itchy skin, needles in my eyes... Good luck working full time with this brain next week :) It's the holidays now and I feel nothing, I don't even want to see what they are doing, the impulse of going out there is gone, while in June I still had a decent window where fireworks were enjoyable.

It's enough. I've had enough. After 2 years of this fight, seeing the damage first hand, slowly eroding everything I am and looked forward to... I now know it's not gonna be better this year. Or the next one. Maybe at some point it will be a bit better, but it's not gonna be soon enough, or good enough to save me. Unless there's a magic turn, the end of this week, needs to be the end of this. I don't even want to try reinstating, or go to doctors. I've already had my golden age and experienced many of the things I wanted when I was 26-30. All I need now is a really long sleep, one where I don't need to wake up, worry, or do anything else again anymore. Just return to the universe and see what's next.

@ALonelySoul12 Please think about your alternatives. I've seen many people improve when they'd lost all hope, and the improvement comes faster than they think. It may do the same for you. But improvement comes in small steps and takes time. You have a whole lifetime of joy ahead of you once you get past this difficult journey. We're all here to help and support you. And please reach out to crisis professionals before you do anything dangerous. I believe you live with your father. Express your feelings to him; you may find he can help get you through this time, or bring a more reasoned voice to your situation. You can get through this!

This whole process is so incredibly difficult, but you are not alone. A lot of people are going through a very similar time as you. And many, many others have gone through it and come out the other side.

Have you considered contacting one of the withdrawal coaches? Physically talking to someone might be very helpful to you.

Please seek professional help. Talk to someone. This forum is very limited in how it can help you. But please know that you are valued and cared for.

I will pray for you.

Wombat

@ALonelySoul12 Please keep yourself safe, keep the people who love you around you and hold on for them. This suffering is inhumane but it is temporary, no long term solutions for short term problems. Things simply won't always be this way.

Hi @ALonelySoul12 We hope you are still hanging in there. As awful as things seem right now, they can get better. They may seem hopeless now but with the right help and perseverance you can get the life you want back. And remember we are always here to to support you.

Thinking of you @ALonelySoul12. Your suffering is beyond words but it will not be forever. You are loved, and you can get through this 💜.

Lots of love @ALonelySoul12 you can and will get through this. Remember just a temporary problem, lots of wonderful years ahead still :)

@ALonelySoul12 I've been re-reading some of your recent posts.

Genuinely, the overwhelming majority of what you're saying is relatable to me, and not just because I sympathise or because I suffered as well, but because I specifically suffered with the exact things you are.

I'm living proof that none of these things are permanent- the state that you are in will not last forever.

I'm trying, so far existing is extremely hard and crumble at any inconvenience. I'm also extremely paranoid about getting sick. My father got a stomach bug and I've been very sick to my stomach too with nausea, lots of movement... Don't know if it's my body reacting automatically because of my injury, or real illness at this point...

I miss my medication and old self. Crazy to think I traveled abroad and lived like a normal person at some point. Almost 2 years since I last got on a flight, and doubt I'll ever be able to do it again. So paranoid of every germ and disease. Specially since I never recovered after the h pylori infection that required double antibiotics. Neither the gastritis, the reflux disease or my mental diseases/tolerance to medication went away

Edited September 16Sep 16 by ALonelySoul12

It's brutal, but as I said a while ago one thing that got me through was just deciding I was going to give it another 6 months, or a year, no matter what.

It doesn't take away any of the suffering at all, but eventually I gave it enough 6 monthses until I was suffering a lot but could see that I was better than 6 months ago on average.

Only now is that starting to really add up and I'm improving clearly all the time.

I believe that you will too.

Jesus... I simply can't anymore... Why do I have to keep going? I literally cannot distract myself. Watch youtube videos, play games, read books, it's all too much now... Just sit with all kinds of symptoms... How can I still be this damaged after more than 2 years since I tapered? Ultra acute level. Did reinstating reset the healing? Or am I doing the wrong thing by not reinstating? 😔 I feel like every month I'm inching closer to utter hopelessness and despair. Doubt I'll ever be the person I used to be. I wish it was like the muscle memory of riding a bike, but it's all gone. My brain forgot it all. I wish I was born a normal person so I didn't need a medication to function.

Edited September 21Sep 21 by ALonelySoul12

It has not gone. You didn't forgot. Because of distress, it's hard to recall a skill.