Greetings, I write following my other thread from survivingantidepressants.

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/33228-thelonelysoul12-generic-5mg-escitalopramlexapro-withdrawals/#comment-761727

 

So, as a short summary. I was on lexapro from 5 to 15 mg for years, between 8-10 years, can't quite recall exactly how long. Eventually, my life improved significantly so I managed to quit them by tapering under my psychiatrist guidance month after month. I might have been more agitated or restless after stopping, but nothing I couldn't handle with some exercise.

Now, around April 2025, after a harsh h pylori infection + gastritis + antibiotics that flipped my life upside down, I decided to return to antidepressants, as I remember lexapro helped me when I had bad anxiety and stomach or IBS issues. Huge mistake. Ever since the first dose that I felt heartburn, pain on my chest, my nose felt dry and like it was burning.... I decided to stay on it for 3 months, with some things improving or disappearing, but I would feel very unstable. My psychiatrist tried to add mirtazapine to the mix, a very small dose to sleep better, which i tried like 1/4 of it, but it left me like a zombie the next day, so I didn't take it again.

 

I remember I was on July feeling suicidal, for I was slowly curing my gastritis prior to starting the SSRI, but in summer I suddenly started feeling worse, day after day. PPI were interacting with lexapro too, so I was extremely unstable, with days feeling okay, and others with horrible pains and suicidal thoughts. I ended up cycling all available PPIs until settling on rabeprazole 10mg, so I only take this at the moment. I was doing therapy and voiced my concerns, so I decided to arm myself with valor and stop all medications after 3 months of use at 5mg. If I managed before restarting escitalopram, I would certainly manage better if I started feeling better physically after stopping. Oh boy how wrong I was.

 

Anyway, first weeks I was very dizzy and brain zaps, the usual stuff... 1 month in, I had a bad wave, which was very physical with the stomach. Super bloated, full of gas, etc... 2-3 months in, I would fluctuate with some good days, some less than ideal... And by months 4-6 I crashed BAD. I went to the ER multiple times as my heart would race all day. Living was a struggle, even struggled to eat what I would usually eat on a normal day. I needed a bit of diazepam or even a beta blocker to function minimally, but I don't think my body agreed too much, so I haven't taken more ever since.

 

After that horrible, traumatizing wave, I bumped back a little bit. I remember I even went for a very long walk in january, which is an achievement! I even did a bit of housework, managed to do daily walks like I used to, mourned the loss of my ex girlfriend without my system going into overdrive, my mind was more clear sometimes and could concentrate, had better mood and wanted to do things, and cleaned some stuff around the house....

 

Sadly, February came in, and another wave was looming. Week by week I would feel worse and worse. At the beginning it was maybe waking up a bit confused, panicky, or having a headache/temperature issues, then I would struggle doing the things I enjoyed as they were too stimulating, pots like tachycardia, my nose would start to burn like when I started the drug again... Now april is coming, oficially 8 months and 1 week off that drug, and I feel worse than ever.

 

I haven't been able to leave my house in two weeks now. I hurt too much, feel unstable, head hurts, nose burns, ears ringing, paranoid, salivating like crazy, dry mouth other times, feeling like i'm moving when sitting still, weakness, muscle and nerve pains, penis sensitivity/shocks/pain, sensitive nipples, goosebumps, pain when moving my eyes, muscles twitch, uncontrollable intrusive thoughts, brain dead, tachycardia, panic attacks, shaking so hard I can't even work from home, stomach and intestines hurt... I've been asking my sister or father to do some chores for me. The only victories i've had have been showering twice this week, and maybe cleaning the sink of the bathroom. This is by far the worst wave, and don't know for how much longer will it stay this intense. I remember that even during my worst on november, I managed to go shopping or go out. Maybe it's the warmer weather making things worse, I don't know... But the upcoming warm summer will definitely be the end of me in Spain if I don't recover even a 5-10%.

 

Anyway, just wanted to continue my story from Surviving antidepressants. I will keep updating for as long as I can, for I'm generally an online person and don't have it in me to disappear when recovered or things get better. I do usually stay away from places like this to avoid spiraling, but I'll come here every now and then to give occasional updates.

 

Hope to make it to recovery, although my hypochondria challenges that thought constantly. If I have to endure this for long, my mind tells me that either my heart will give out, or a stroke will end me, or who knows.

 

Well, this is all for the update. So far I'm still in the fight using every coping mechanism I might find. Definitely at rock bottom, 250 days out with the worst wave ever. Best of luck to all the fellow sufferers that are going through this. Massive respect to the ones that made it through, and hoping I can recover all I lost one day.

Hi @ALonelySoul12

 

Welcome to the forum,

 

Thank you for posting your introduction topic, linking your SA thread and filling out your signature.

 

16 hours ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

So, as a short summary. I was on lexapro from 5 to 15 mg for years, between 8-10 years, can't quite recall exactly how long. Eventually, my life improved significantly so I managed to quit them by tapering under my psychiatrist guidance month after month. I might have been more agitated or restless after stopping, but nothing I couldn't handle with some exercise.

Now, around April 2025, after a harsh h pylori infection + gastritis + antibiotics that flipped my life upside down, I decided to return to antidepressants, as I remember lexapro helped me when I had bad anxiety and stomach or IBS issues. Huge mistake. Ever since the first dose that I felt heartburn, pain on my chest, my nose felt dry and like it was burning.... I decided to stay on it for 3 months, with some things improving or disappearing, but I would feel very unstable. My psychiatrist tried to add mirtazapine to the mix, a very small dose to sleep better, which i tried like 1/4 of it, but it left me like a zombie the next day, so I didn't take it again.

Im sorry to read of your hard time this past year. It is common we can stop antidepressants quickly the first time, but often this seems to prime us for trouble when we try to start them back up again. You did a good thing stopping the Mirtazapine, from experience I can tell you that is not a drug you want to be on.

 

16 hours ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

I remember I was on July feeling suicidal, for I was slowly curing my gastritis prior to starting the SSRI, but in summer I suddenly started feeling worse, day after day. PPI were interacting with lexapro too, so I was extremely unstable, with days feeling okay, and others with horrible pains and suicidal thoughts. I ended up cycling all available PPIs until settling on rabeprazole 10mg, so I only take this at the moment. I was doing therapy and voiced my concerns, so I decided to arm myself with valor and stop all medications after 3 months of use at 5mg. If I managed before restarting escitalopram, I would certainly manage better if I started feeling better physically after stopping. Oh boy how wrong I was.

 

Anyway, first weeks I was very dizzy and brain zaps, the usual stuff... 1 month in, I had a bad wave, which was very physical with the stomach. Super bloated, full of gas, etc... 2-3 months in, I would fluctuate with some good days, some less than ideal... And by months 4-6 I crashed BAD. I went to the ER multiple times as my heart would race all day. Living was a struggle, even struggled to eat what I would usually eat on a normal day. I needed a bit of diazepam or even a beta blocker to function minimally, but I don't think my body agreed too much, so I haven't taken more ever since.

 

It is common when our nervous systems are sensitised, that the addition of other drugs makes things worse. Your taper from Escitalopram was very fast as you know.

 

We often to look for help from benzos and other drugs to see it we can get relief, Im glad you worked out this wasn't a good idea and stopped trying them anymore, this was a good move.

 

16 hours ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

After that horrible, traumatizing wave, I bumped back a little bit. I remember I even went for a very long walk in january, which is an achievement! I even did a bit of housework, managed to do daily walks like I used to, mourned the loss of my ex girlfriend without my system going into overdrive, my mind was more clear sometimes and could concentrate, had better mood and wanted to do things, and cleaned some stuff around the house....

 

Sadly, February came in, and another wave was looming. Week by week I would feel worse and worse. At the beginning it was maybe waking up a bit confused, panicky, or having a headache/temperature issues, then I would struggle doing the things I enjoyed as they were too stimulating, pots like tachycardia, my nose would start to burn like when I started the drug again... Now april is coming, oficially 8 months and 1 week off that drug, and I feel worse than ever.

Im sorry you have hit a nasty wave 8 months out. This is actually really common for people to see a shift/worsening of symptoms at this point. Don't worry you are not abnormal. It seems it is often part of the healing process. Not nice all the same.

 

16 hours ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

I haven't been able to leave my house in two weeks now. I hurt too much, feel unstable, head hurts, nose burns, ears ringing, paranoid, salivating like crazy, dry mouth other times, feeling like i'm moving when sitting still, weakness, muscle and nerve pains, penis sensitivity/shocks/pain, sensitive nipples, goosebumps, pain when moving my eyes, muscles twitch, uncontrollable intrusive thoughts, brain dead, tachycardia, panic attacks, shaking so hard I can't even work from home, stomach and intestines hurt... I've been asking my sister or father to do some chores for me. The only victories i've had have been showering twice this week, and maybe cleaning the sink of the bathroom. This is by far the worst wave, and don't know for how much longer will it stay this intense. I remember that even during my worst on november, I managed to go shopping or go out. Maybe it's the warmer weather making things worse, I don't know... But the upcoming warm summer will definitely be the end of me in Spain if I don't recover even a 5-10%.

 

Anyway, just wanted to continue my story from Surviving antidepressants. I will keep updating for as long as I can, for I'm generally an online person and don't have it in me to disappear when recovered or things get better. I do usually stay away from places like this to avoid spiraling, but I'll come here every now and then to give occasional updates.

This sounds terrible, Im sorry again for your suffering. Hang in there, things will get better. It can take some time but hopefully soon you will get atleast a nice window. I hear you on the heat, I hope you have some good air conditioning?!

 

16 hours ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

Hope to make it to recovery, although my hypochondria challenges that thought constantly. If I have to endure this for long, my mind tells me that either my heart will give out, or a stroke will end me, or who knows.

 

Well, this is all for the update. So far I'm still in the fight using every coping mechanism I might find. Definitely at rock bottom, 250 days out with the worst wave ever. Best of luck to all the fellow sufferers that are going through this. Massive respect to the ones that made it through, and hoping I can recover all I lost one day.

You are right to mention coping skills. Sometimes it is just getting through one day at a time as best you can. But there are some very key things to work on. Distraction is very key at the start. Eventually acceptance is where a lot fo the heavy lifting is done. It really is the path to finding some peace and easing the distress from symptoms. Worth a look if you haven't already.

 

Acceptance is key - Why does acceptance feel impossible?

 

Im glad you found us and joined. You are so very welcome here, we are all here for you as much or as liitle as you would like.

 

Chippy

Welcome, I'm sorry to hear about your long journey with withdrawal.

16 hours ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

But the upcoming warm summer will definitely be the end of me in Spain if I don't recover even a 5-10%.

Trust me, our bodies are built to survive, you can survive a lot of things, there are people who cold turkeyed multiple psych drugs at the same time and have come out.

I would say just wait it out and you will eventually heal, focus on the present, remember that symptoms are just symptoms, practice acceptance of your health condition, and whenever the symptoms are hard physically, surrender to your body and ride out the symptoms.

Thank you all for replying. The healing process is just extremely discouraging. I remember getting out of that big November wave, and slowly feeling more like myself, being able to process things more normally and without getting overwhelmed or having intrusive thoughts. I even managed to go for the longest walk in what feels like forever. Even during the worst of that wave, I managed to go shopping for some basic groceries every now and then, but this one is so bad I haven't left my home in almost 2 weeks now. It's like my stomach/guts connected to my brain extra hard, where even the slightest thought or eye movement will make them churn and hurt. Even staying in touch with friends is a struggle. My usual funny and talkative self feels like a complete stranger, as if my emotions disappear leaving only numbness, anxiety and crying spells when eating or doing anything overwhelming.

 

I had to buy things online or ask for favors if I wanted to eat, which was a challenge too as I'm extremely reactive to everything. Eating also fires up my nervous system and makes my ears ringing, intrusive thoughts, etc worse. It's so hard to stay distracted with so much discomfort at the same time.

 

I hope this passes soon enough, I remember in November I had to take a month off work, but it was such a hassle as insurance companies just see it as anxiety, recommending you to just "drink some chamomile relaxing tea", and back to work.

Anyway, I try to find comfort in work, working remotely since February of 2025, so more than a year already, when my health shit show started with antibiotics.

 

This community is a gift, it's reassuring to meet people that understand. And if I survive this, I'll do my due part to spread awareness. How many cases of "just anxiety returning" was actually this hell on earth?

 

For now I'm focusing on reaching the point where a wave isn't as bad or paralyzing as the last one so.i can have some optimism. For now they've intensified, but every one feels different. The November one felt like my brain got turned off and my body was hyper reactive, so I could not work at all. This one I feel like my mind is clearer, which might make me more aware on what's going on with my body.

3 minutes ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

Thank you all for replying. The healing process is just extremely discouraging. I remember getting out of that big November wave, and slowly feeling more like myself, being able to process things more normally and without getting overwhelmed or having intrusive thoughts. I even managed to go for the longest walk in what feels like forever. Even during the worst of that wave, I managed to go shopping for some basic groceries every now and then, but this one is so bad I haven't left my home in almost 2 weeks now. It's like my stomach/guts connected to my brain extra hard, where even the slightest thought or eye movement will make them churn and hurt. Even staying in touch with friends is a struggle. My usual funny and talkative self feels like a complete stranger, as if my emotions disappear leaving only numbness, anxiety and crying spells when eating or doing anything overwhelming.

Oh it is a pleasure @ALonelySoul12 awful to hear this. All very common problems though Im sure that doesn't take any of it away, hopefully feeling you are not alone helps in this.

 

4 minutes ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

I had to buy things online or ask for favors if I wanted to eat, which was a challenge too as I'm extremely reactive to everything. Eating also fires up my nervous system and makes my ears ringing, intrusive thoughts, etc worse. It's so hard to stay distracted with so much discomfort at the same time.

 

I know, we seem to react to everything often in this WD state. It must be so frustrating for you. We understand.

 

6 minutes ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

This community is a gift, it's reassuring to meet people that understand. And if I survive this, I'll do my due part to spread awareness. How many cases of "just anxiety returning" was actually this hell on earth?

 

For now I'm focusing on reaching the point where a wave isn't as bad or paralyzing as the last one so.i can have some optimism. For now they've intensified, but every one feels different. The November one felt like my brain got turned off and my body was hyper reactive, so I could not work at all. This one I feel like my mind is clearer, which might make me more aware on what's going on with my body.

It is good to have waves and windows. It is also good that they are different. I believe the symptoms are in fact the body healing, and although distressing show you are healing. 🙂 

 

Im glad you think like this. You will survive this! It is good to do this, we need more awareness of the problems people face. I agree WD is far more common then stated. Many go through it without realising. Ive seen this in my family when I look back.

 

 

59 minutes ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

I even managed to go for the longest walk in what feels like forever. Even during the worst of that wave

you can find things to enjoy in life even in bad waves and withdrawals you can do that.

It's easy to get lost in despair reading the forums but even in withdrawal you can do so much home hobbies and etc.

2 hours ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

Thank you all for replying. The healing process is just extremely discouraging. I remember getting out of that big November wave, and slowly feeling more like myself, being able to process things more normally and without getting overwhelmed or having intrusive thoughts. I even managed to go for the longest walk in what feels like forever. Even during the worst of that wave, I managed to go shopping for some basic groceries every now and then, but this one is so bad I haven't left my home in almost 2 weeks now. It's like my stomach/guts connected to my brain extra hard, where even the slightest thought or eye movement will make them churn and hurt. Even staying in touch with friends is a struggle. My usual funny and talkative self feels like a complete stranger, as if my emotions disappear leaving only numbness, anxiety and crying spells when eating or doing anything overwhelming.

 

I had to buy things online or ask for favors if I wanted to eat, which was a challenge too as I'm extremely reactive to everything. Eating also fires up my nervous system and makes my ears ringing, intrusive thoughts, etc worse. It's so hard to stay distracted with so much discomfort at the same time.

 

I hope this passes soon enough, I remember in November I had to take a month off work, but it was such a hassle as insurance companies just see it as anxiety, recommending you to just "drink some chamomile relaxing tea", and back to work.

Anyway, I try to find comfort in work, working remotely since February of 2025, so more than a year already, when my health shit show started with antibiotics.

 

This community is a gift, it's reassuring to meet people that understand. And if I survive this, I'll do my due part to spread awareness. How many cases of "just anxiety returning" was actually this hell on earth?

 

For now I'm focusing on reaching the point where a wave isn't as bad or paralyzing as the last one so.i can have some optimism. For now they've intensified, but every one feels different. The November one felt like my brain got turned off and my body was hyper reactive, so I could not work at all. This one I feel like my mind is clearer, which might make me more aware on what's going on with my body.

I connect with every word you wrote @ALonelySoul12 despite the horrors of this journey I see a lot of strength and determination in you so no a doubt, you're going to survive.

Keep holding your determination and on any distraction that provides relief, this all will pass in time.

You're dealing with it excellently.

Welcome to the forum, thank you for crossing over.

 

There's not a whole lot to add that hasn't already been covered, but I would like to emphasise that being in a pattern of windows and waves is a good sign that you trending towards recovery, even if the waves are still hard.

It just feels very weird. Like yesterday I felt more or less alright? I went from being unable to do anything on the 30th, with all kinds of pains and symptoms... To being able to do litttle things on the 31st. Laundry, do the dishes... My mind was clear-ish and I was even singing random songs that popped in my mind, without all the intrusive or obsessive thoughts. I thought the wave was ending, expecting today I might have been able to go out of my house again, as I haven't stepped outside since 2 weeks ago.

 

But I guess not. I woke up kinda agitated, but managed to fall back asleep. I worked from home as usual, but when I went to get the dry laundry before lunch, I started feeling unstable. Eating was harder than yesterday, had more tachycardia, stomach felt upset, nerve pains, headache, ears ringing, nose burning, wanting to cry, intrusive and negative thoughts, feeling like i'm moving when sitting still, feeling temperature issues...

 

It feels like I have waves and windows within the waves and windows themselves.

8 minutes ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

It feels like I have waves and windows within the waves and windows themselves.

It’s that unpredictable nature that I think is sometimes the hardest. It follows no logic I know! I think the idea of clean clear waves and windows is often too simplistic. Most seem to have a mix bag of symptoms, fluctuating on and up and down pattern like waves and windows. 
 

Just the fact things fluctuate is such a good sign. Shows your body is working hard to put things right. 

Hi @ALonelySoul12  One of the hardest things to accept is that recovery isn't linear--its not a straight line always pointing towards progress.  Its more like a rollercoaster, with steep ups and downs.  I would feel very anxious in the morning but by afternoon I'd forget what I was anxious about.  The fact you had a window--even a small brief one--tells you that you can and will recover.  My best advice is to be kind and patient with yourself.  None of this is your fault and you're not too weak to recover. It will take time but you can do it! 

Jesus, what a bad day today. I slept the night and woke up feeling alright, maybe even slightly positive. I was even trying to mentally prepare myself to maybe try and go out for a walk today, but my mind got me with intrusive thoughts. It didn't take long to spiral into a panic attack, but for other reasons. I looked at myself in the mirror before lunch and saw my vein on the neck visibly pulsating. I also went to pee, which was slightly foamy, and my health anxiety went crazy. Thinking I might have heart, or blood pressure or kidney issues...

 

I'm sitting on my chair in a dark room completely defeated, shaking, with most symptoms flared up... And to think I was functional for 7 months after quitting the meds. I hope I turn a corner soon with a really good window... Otherwise I'm just gonna be spiraling down, my family is also concerned and it's stressing me out. I don't want to be forced back into meds, or develop a new illness or something 😅

9 minutes ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

I'm sitting on my chair in a dark room completely defeated, shaking, with most symptoms flared up...

try to put a show or listen to cheery music you like, other than that, the usual recommendation of acceptance and riding the symptoms.

It's a bit like a washing machine cycle with the intensity of the spins .starts of gentle and rocking then maybe ramps up a bit back to gentle and rocking then straight to intense spin ! Then it slows down again not certain if the next one is going to be gentle or intense.  The main thing to remember is the cycle always ends and the clothes come out better than when they went in 😊

@ALonelySoul12, I had terrible health anxiety during WD.  I saw my doctor so many times, I probably put the children of his whole staff through college!  Something I believe is that anxiety will find your weakest point and exploit it.  I have a long history of injuring my right side--bike accidents, broken rib taking karate, etc.  When I'm feeling uptight, my side hurts.  During withdrawal, I was convinced I had a dread disease.  After a couple exams and an ultrasound, there was nothing serious. In fact, there has never been any serious problem linked to my anxious thoughts. My therapist, who had some medical as well as psychological training, reminded me that any serious problem presents with multiple symptoms.  If you have a headache, you probably don't have a brain tumor unless you have other symptoms like sensory problems.  And anxiety affects your perception.  If your anxious mind wants to see a problem with your urine, you will see it. It also wants to catastrophize everything--if you have a bad day, you project that out to being a lifelong burden to your family. 

 

Recovery is a long process, and its uneven. You can't gauge it by one day or even a week.  Progress is slow and incremental, with a lookback period of months, not days. Just because today was bad doesn't mean tomorrow will be.  Take it one day at a time.  And don't give in to the temptation to lock yourself in your room.  Then its just you and your recurring thoughts. Try to go to a room where you can see outside and just start naming the things you see to break the cycle.  Its simple but it works.  And be kind to yourself.  You can do this! 

23 minutes ago, Beehive said:

It's a bit like a washing machine cycle with the intensity of the spins .starts of gentle and rocking then maybe ramps up a bit back to gentle and rocking then straight to intense spin ! Then it slows down again not certain if the next one is going to be gentle or intense.  The main thing to remember is the cycle always ends and the clothes come out better than when they went in 😊

I love your analogies @Beehive well said 👍

I don't know where they come from they just pop in my head 🤣

That's what I like about this site we are all suffering immensely but I quite often see humour in peoples posts and that just goes to show the strength and courage and determination of everyone of us going through this ❤️

Edited April 4Apr 4 by Beehive

Sigh, I'm sad. I ended up putting on a brave face and going to the supermarket, which is like 600 meters away to get some basic necessities. Tried to put on some music and upbeat things to listen to... But I could feel my symptoms appear every meter I walked, despite my mind being clear. When I was on the way back, like 100 meters away from home, I started getting dizzy, nerves and muscles hurting, nose burning, tons of bloating and gas, hyperventilating...

I'd say this was a victory after weeks as a shut in... But I feel so defeated and hurt. This is so cruel. It's been now 4 hours since the walk and i'm still shaking, ears ringing, head hurts... I don't know what happened to me to become this almost overnight... I used to do 20km mountain biking, fully functional, had a loving girlfriend... I grieve the person I used to be. This wave is way too extreme, I can't do anything or my nervous system goes crazy. Ever since February that I've been going downhill, praying I feel better soon, or i'll be looking for another pill to put in my system out of desperation 😔

 

Sorry for the negativity, I had a wave in november that lasted a long while, but I was also so numb that I just managed to turn my brain off, so I could do errands and shoppings like that. This one feels worse in intensity, and also terribly emotional and filled with anxiety, so I can't quite control it and need to vent.

Edited April 4Apr 4 by ALonelySoul12
added words

@ALonelySoul12  Actually, you achieved a great success!  Despite all your physical symptoms you made it to the store and made it back.  Now your anxious mind is throwing residual symptoms at you to make you too afraid to do it again.  Call its bluff.  You went out, did your business at the store, and came back.  Instead of letting the anxious thoughts discourage you from going out, celebrate what you've achieved and concentrate on that. If you did it today, you can do it again! 

@ALonelySoul12 Vent away , we are all with you on this ,which goes to show its not you it's withdrawal and withdrawal like the food in the Supermarket has a shelf life . As awful as you feel like @mstimc60said what an achievement! Please don't feel defeated things will get lighter and easier.  It's a bit like exposure therapy you step out of your comfort zone your brain will do its upmost to keep you safe ( keeping you indoors) it sees the trip to the supermarket as danger .Exposure therapy teaches you to carry on doing this a little at a time as in going to the car park but not going in the shop and each time you go a little further .you will have symptoms and it wont be pleasant but you keep doing it until its a well worn neural pathway ...the brain will come to realise there is no danger here and your reaction wont be as bad . Dont give into your brain keep doing it ,your are strong enough you can do this 

11 hours ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

Sigh, I'm sad. I ended up putting on a brave face and going to the supermarket, which is like 600 meters away to get some basic necessities. Tried to put on some music and upbeat things to listen to... But I could feel my symptoms appear every meter I walked, despite my mind being clear. When I was on the way back, like 100 meters away from home, I started getting dizzy, nerves and muscles hurting, nose burning, tons of bloating and gas, hyperventilating...

I'd say this was a victory after weeks as a shut in... But I feel so defeated and hurt. This is so cruel. It's been now 4 hours since the walk and i'm still shaking, ears ringing, head hurts... I don't know what happened to me to become this almost overnight... I used to do 20km mountain biking, fully functional, had a loving girlfriend... I grieve the person I used to be. This wave is way too extreme, I can't do anything or my nervous system goes crazy. Ever since February that I've been going downhill, praying I feel better soon, or i'll be looking for another pill to put in my system out of desperation 😔

 

Sorry for the negativity, I had a wave in november that lasted a long while, but I was also so numb that I just managed to turn my brain off, so I could do errands and shoppings like that. This one feels worse in intensity, and also terribly emotional and filled with anxiety, so I can't quite control it and need to vent.

This is the right place to get out everything that is on your mind @ALonelySoul12 we are with you, all your feeling are valid in withdrawal with the knowing that the mind plays terrible tricks during this time, it feels real but it is not and it will ease in time no doubt about it.

You are still in a non-linear process but know that the end is sweet and you are on your way there.

Hold on warrior, you are not in defeat you are indeed winning and doing it with great courage.

Edited April 5Apr 5 by Fullhealing

Updating. This week I've had holidays from work so I tried to disconnect for mental health. I'm approaching 9 months drug free. Still feeling horrible, unable to leave my home since month 7 and a half. It's gonna be 1 full month now ever since I started this hellish wave. One of these days I decided to go for a quick 5-15 minutes walk around my house, nothing too hard... Couldn't do it. The moment I step out, despite grounding myself or distracting with what I see, my body doesn't want to do it. I start feeling sick, salivating like crazy, dizzy, nerve pains, intrusive thoughts, tons and tons of gas, stomach and bowels pains, ears ringing, nose burns...

 

On the good side, yesterday I managed to do cleaning indoors. I vacuumed, cleaned the toilets and sinks, dishes... Until symptoms started to appear, so I stopped to not make things worse. Today I haven't really done anything weird, yet symptoms intensified right after lunch. Probably in a wave within a wave.

 

I don't know what to do, I feel like this healing journey is just taking me further and further away from the goal post, teasing me with a good day or two, maybe a week if it feels generous, but being less and less functional every time, only to go back all the progress I've done and then some more. I feel like my old teenager self. Socially anxious, scared of talking to the cashier or people I know, going to the doctor, leaving my house... But intensified x10 and with every physical symptom in the book, without really having these issues for many many years.

At this point I can't help but wonder if this recovery is actually me returning to the real, unmedicated me, with added brain damage from these drugs. I'd expect to feel worse the month you stop the medication, not 8-9 months after the last dose. As sad as it sounds, death is starting to look like a relief/coping mantra rather than something I fear, this is inhumane. I can't believe I took escitalopram from 5 to 15mg through the years without issues, tapering off and living my best life with a great girlfriend, traveling abroad... And now I take 5mg for 3 months, quit due to gastritis not letting me process the medication, and become disabled for a year, slowly becoming housebound with more and more physical symptoms.

I feel like I made a deal with the devil to survive my young adulthood after years of trauma and family issues, and now I'm paying the price.

22 minutes ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

At this point I can't help but wonder if this recovery is actually me returning to the real, unmedicated me, with added brain damage from these drugs. I'd expect to feel worse the month you stop the medication, not 8-9 months after the last dose. As sad as it sounds, death is starting to look like a relief/coping mantra rather than something I fear, this is inhumane. I can't believe I took escitalopram from 5 to 15mg through the years without issues, tapering off and living my best life with a great girlfriend, traveling abroad... And now I take 5mg for 3 months, quit due to gastritis not letting me process the medication, and become disabled for a year, slowly becoming housebound with more and more physical symptoms.

As horrible as this may seem, its not unique to feel worse several months after you quit or reduce. Recovery is like the roller coaster from hell, with steep ups and downs.  Your anxious mind will do whatever it takes to maintain control.  It wants you to be housebound so it can have sole control of your thoughts.  The more you isolate yourself, the more your anxious thinking will crowd out everything else. leave the past where it is and focus on the future, and what you can do to create the life you want instead of the one your mind tells you that you used to have. 

1 hour ago, mstimc60 said:

As horrible as this may seem, its not unique to feel worse several months after you quit or reduce. Recovery is like the roller coaster from hell, with steep ups and downs.  Your anxious mind will do whatever it takes to maintain control.  It wants you to be housebound so it can have sole control of your thoughts.  The more you isolate yourself, the more your anxious thinking will crowd out everything else. leave the past where it is and focus on the future, and what you can do to create the life you want instead of the one your mind tells you that you used to have. 

 

I try to, but damn it's hard. I force myself out of my house, I'm not even anxious about it. But just because of the physical symptoms, I feel horrible doing it and it feeds the cycle. Until now I could push through and even carry up to 20kg of groceries, for my mind was more or less laser focused on the task, but I don't know what happened in March, that now even going out by myself gets my nervous system fired up to the max. I'm getting symptoms that I didn't even experience in months. I get pains under my ribs, feel like I have something stuck in my throat that doesn't let me swallow, intestines make noise and cramp painfully, I start burping a lot... And then once I return from the walk, when I sit on my chair, despite still not being anxious, I feel like i'm physically moving and everything spins. Even talking on call with online friends can feel bad. I can be talking to them totally normal, and then suddenly ears ring, head hurts, I start getting overwhelmed/irritated at every emotion like they suddenly got turned to 11... This is so unpredictable that I don't know how to plan for anything.

I did a general blood test and everything looks good every time too, so I really have no explanation on why I'm feeling so physically sick, with some days better than others.

Edited April 12Apr 12 by ALonelySoul12