Hey @ALonelySoul12

I’m pleased to read you have some windows, all be it short and dirty, good signs non the less.

You’re such a warrior, your symptoms sound awful and I’m sorry you are having to endure this.

I agree I think we have all lost friends in this process, perhaps a test of who really cares for us, those who remain are our real friends.

Hang in there, it won’t always be this way. 🛡️ ⚔️

@ALonelySoul12 it's not uncommon to be a fair bit worse for a while at this kind of timeframe.

Often, because of that, we can't look back and see improvements at this point.

However, many can and have then gone on to improve and then recover after being worse sometime around the 6-12 months timeframe. I see others going through it or having gone through it on this forum, which is still very new. There were many on SA.

Just remembered today I make it 10 months clean. Another hard day as my brain keeps bombarding me with anxious thoughts and PTSD like memories reminding me of an old trauma also related to a medication adverse effect that I thought it was past behind me. My face muscles and forehead are also sore from frowning constantly and feeling tense. Trying not to think and pushing forward.

Edited May 23May 23 by ALonelySoul12

Wishing you continued improvement @ALonelySoul12

And today I'm back to survival mode. Yesterday at dinner I suddenly started feeling inner vibrations then got suddenly suicidal. Tried to distract myself but felt very weird. Started shaking at night and my left arm started twitching (which still is and has been for the last 3-4 days), but managed to fall asleep at around 3-4 am. Woke up an hour later with palpitations, feeling my nervous system exploding, salivating like a rabid dog, my entire body and digestive system twitching, gases... I'm now sitting on my work laptop doing nothing as I continue to shake and twitch with minimal sleep, my ears ringing in a weird tone.

Is this normal? I feel like I just continue to worsen month after month. I used to be able to push aside the symptoms by going for a walk or doing something else. Even during the acute cold turkey withdrawal I was going out and doing things. Now everything is way too intense and constant. It's been over 3 months now... I know it sounds like an insult to those that struggled for years, but I've been functional all this time, at least enough to shower, take care of my plants, going for a walk, talking to my friends... Or doing more than just sitting in a dark room all day. I'm worried I'm doing a mistake by staying "clean" or not looking for more answers.

25 minutes ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

And today I'm back to survival mode. Yesterday at dinner I suddenly started feeling inner vibrations then got suddenly suicidal. Tried to distract myself but felt very weird. Started shaking at night and my left arm started twitching (which still is and has been for the last 3-4 days), but managed to fall asleep at around 3-4 am. Woke up an hour later with palpitations, feeling my nervous system exploding, salivating like a rabid dog, my entire body and digestive system twitching, gases... I'm now sitting on my work laptop doing nothing as I continue to shake and twitch with minimal sleep, my ears ringing in a weird tone.

Is this normal? I feel like I just continue to worsen month after month. I used to be able to push aside the symptoms by going for a walk or doing something else. Even during the acute cold turkey withdrawal I was going out and doing things. Now everything is way too intense and constant. It's been over 3 months now... I know it sounds like an insult to those that struggled for years, but I've been functional all this time, at least enough to shower, take care of my plants, going for a walk, talking to my friends... Or doing more than just sitting in a dark room all day. I'm worried I'm doing a mistake by staying "clean" or not looking for more answers.

It's common to have a hellish flare-ups long after full stop let alone after a CT @ALonelySoul12 your system is still in the process, be sure of that.

Although I'm still tapering I experiencing exactly what you describe so I know 200% it's all withdrawal.

Give it time, it's not linear so there will be good and bad times but eventually it will end.

Hang in there, you are very strong, you can handle it!

2 hours ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

Or doing more than just sitting in a dark room all day. I'm worried I'm doing a mistake by staying "clean" or not looking for more answers.

Sitting in a room by yourself is not a good coping mechanism. It just leaves you alone with your dark thoughts. There are no easy answers other than to try to use coping methods and let WD run it course. Even little things will help, like sitting by a window and naming the things you see. You need to slowly begin to work on breaking the cyclical thought habits you've developed. You can do it. It'll take time and the progress will be uneven, but you can recover.

8 minutes ago, mstimc60 said:

Sitting in a room by yourself is not a good coping mechanism. It just leaves you alone with your dark thoughts. There are no easy answers other than to try to use coping methods and let WD run it course. Even little things will help, like sitting by a window and naming the things you see. You need to slowly begin to work on breaking the cyclical thought habits you've developed. You can do it. It'll take time and the progress will be uneven, but you can recover.

But that is the only thing that gives me relief 😅 Being alone without expectations or anything to do minimizes the symptoms. I would love to do life as usual, but it hurts too much and my symptoms worsen if I push myself. I do try to lift 3kg dumbbells for 5-10 minutes, shower, clean a bit, or walk around the house if I have a day where symptoms get a bit muted to stay in shape just about enough. If I feel stable enough I can even try to go out and shop for something simple like I did a couple days ago, or look out the window, take in the sun and fresh air on my terrace, tend to my plants. But when symptoms return with such debilitating force like the past days, I'm totally hopeless. All I can do is close my eyes, lower any stimulation to 0 and repeat myself that it's okay and I'm healing, for every little noise will make me jump. I can have moments where I can play a videogame or talk to a friend, but sooner or later, out of the blue, I won't tolerate it anymore. Same for other things like breathing fresh air. One moment it's okay, the next it's triggering. And if I push myself it just reinforces the aversion as I start to get weird intrusive/rushing thoughts, make uncontrollable weird facial expressions like frowning or raising my eyebrows, or movements like shaking my head, or nodding as if I had... OCD? Tourettes? 😅 I don't know what symptom is this but I physically look crazy enough to be sent to a mental institution. Never had this before either. It's as if my brain rewired itself wrong and developed all these weird habits and phobias that come and go with varying intensity.

1 minute ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

But that is the only thing that gives me relief 😅 Being alone without expectations or anything to do minimizes the symptoms. I would love to do life as usual, but it hurts too much and my symptoms worsen if I push myself. I do try to lift 3kg dumbbells for 5-10 minutes, shower, clean a bit, or walk around the house if I have a day where symptoms get a bit muted to stay in shape just about enough. If I feel stable enough I can even try to go out and shop for something simple like I did a couple days ago, or look out the window, take in the sun and fresh air on my terrace, tend to my plants. But when symptoms return with such debilitating force like the past days, I'm totally hopeless. All I can do is close my eyes, lower any stimulation to 0 and repeat myself that it's okay and I'm healing, for every little noise will make me jump. I can have moments where I can play a videogame or talk to a friend, but sooner or later, out of the blue, I won't tolerate it anymore. Same for other things like breathing fresh air. One moment it's okay, the next it's triggering. And if I push myself it just reinforces the aversion as I start to get weird intrusive/rushing thoughts, make uncontrollable weird facial expressions like frowning or raising my eyebrows, or movements like shaking my head, or nodding as if I had... OCD? Tourettes? 😅 I don't know what symptom is this but I physically look crazy enough to be sent to a mental institution. Never had this before either. It's as if my brain rewired itself wrong and developed all these weird habits and phobias that come and go with varying intensity.

Sometimes we need to hunker down and let the worst times pass. But that shouldn't be your default coping method. What you're doing is avoidance, and avoidance is not coping. Your last sentence gets it right; your anxious brain has developed some bad habits. That doesn't mean you have some kind of permanent mental or physical illness; you've just developed some unhealthy habits. Shutting yourself away may quiet the thoughts and it can certainly be therapeutic to have some quiet time to relax, but I'm assuming that's not how you want to live your life.

Repeating the mantra that you're okay and healing is a good habit to practice. Take that outside of your room, because its true regardless of where you are. Take it slow and try to do too much, and you'll see more progress.

53 minutes ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

But that is the only thing that gives me relief 😅 Being alone without expectations or anything to do minimizes the symptoms. I would love to do life as usual, but it hurts too much and my symptoms worsen if I push myself. I do try to lift 3kg dumbbells for 5-10 minutes, shower, clean a bit, or walk around the house if I have a day where symptoms get a bit muted to stay in shape just about enough. If I feel stable enough I can even try to go out and shop for something simple like I did a couple days ago, or look out the window, take in the sun and fresh air on my terrace, tend to my plants. But when symptoms return with such debilitating force like the past days, I'm totally hopeless. All I can do is close my eyes, lower any stimulation to 0 and repeat myself that it's okay and I'm healing, for every little noise will make me jump. I can have moments where I can play a videogame or talk to a friend, but sooner or later, out of the blue, I won't tolerate it anymore. Same for other things like breathing fresh air. One moment it's okay, the next it's triggering. And if I push myself it just reinforces the aversion as I start to get weird intrusive/rushing thoughts, make uncontrollable weird facial expressions like frowning or raising my eyebrows, or movements like shaking my head, or nodding as if I had... OCD? Tourettes? 😅 I don't know what symptom is this but I physically look crazy enough to be sent to a mental institution. Never had this before either. It's as if my brain rewired itself wrong and developed all these weird habits and phobias that come and go with varying intensity.

That's absolutely okay, do what you can, this anxiety/ocd/depression just name it steam from withdrawal, powerful and uncontrollable! Sometimes the best is to turn ourselves off until the chemicals finish torturing us..

On days like this the most I can do is lie on the couch, sob and wait for this hell to be done with.. today I had awful day but had to take my rabbit to the vet, just 5 minutes drive from me, not a biggy right? So hell was it!! I was sure that my heart is about to explode, the fear.. and from what! I've been there at least 100 times with all my animals, everyone is lovely, no issue at all, well that's Wd! no sane perspective or reaction for anything!

So do what's help you cope atm, if it's nothing, great, go for it.

I really want to echo @mstimc60 post here. If it wasn't withdrawal, what got me the most was the avoidance. Avoidance is okay when you got a 102F fever and literally cannot get out of bed without aching. It's not good when you just don't want to do something because it's (now) more stressful.

Perhaps its hand and hand like you said. I also didn't have much issues with avoidance until after I went off meds CT. Everything became a herculean task and insanely overwhelming that it was simpler to just withdraw into my phone and scroll, or go back to bed. It still feels like that even now.

I remember reading somewhere that in procrastinators, people get the same brain signals as pain when thinking about doing a task. However, these signals go away usually within 10 or 15 minutes of doing the task. Guessing thats why people say fake it till you make it. Maybe try that? Even on my worst withdrawal days, someone asked me to do a task at work and I tried so hard to get out of it but couldn't. I stumbled around and grumbled for like 5 minutes but after that I was starting to get reinvested and interested again. I wish I had done it more, or had an accountability buddy to tell me to do shit, lol. It can just be very frustrating to get that out when it came "naturally" while medicated.

1 hour ago, Kahran said:

I really want to echo @mstimc60 post here. If it wasn't withdrawal, what got me the most was the avoidance. Avoidance is okay when you got a 102F fever and literally cannot get out of bed without aching. It's not good when you just don't want to do something because it's (now) more stressful.

Perhaps its hand and hand like you said. I also didn't have much issues with avoidance until after I went off meds CT. Everything became a herculean task and insanely overwhelming that it was simpler to just withdraw into my phone and scroll, or go back to bed. It still feels like that even now.

I remember reading somewhere that in procrastinators, people get the same brain signals as pain when thinking about doing a task. However, these signals go away usually within 10 or 15 minutes of doing the task. Guessing thats why people say fake it till you make it. Maybe try that? Even on my worst withdrawal days, someone asked me to do a task at work and I tried so hard to get out of it but couldn't. I stumbled around and grumbled for like 5 minutes but after that I was starting to get reinvested and interested again. I wish I had done it more, or had an accountability buddy to tell me to do shit, lol. It can just be very frustrating to get that out when it came "naturally" while medicated.

Yeah, it totally understand the point, but I do feel like I have the flu right now 😅 I should be sleeping already, but everything feels weird, my eyes feel dry and hurtful, same with every body part. Today I had to move a gas bottle that expired to cook... Man what a herculean task. It took me 30 minutes afterwards for my body to settle and tolerate food as it was bombarding me with nausea, ears ringing, nerve pains, intrusive thoughts, balance failing, twitching non stop...

Why am I so sick? I would be glad to leave my house if all I had was a headache, or tingling or some occasional anxiety 😅 but I truly feel like I'm dying, and then I can't sleep. (like now, it's 1 am and have to wake up at 9 to work, but my ears still ring and the twitching doesn't let me relax.) This thing is gonna end me 😭

Edited May 25May 25 by ALonelySoul12

20 hours ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

Is this normal? I feel like I just continue to worsen month after month. I used to be able to push aside the symptoms by going for a walk or doing something else. Even during the acute cold turkey withdrawal I was going out and doing things. Now everything is way too intense and constant. It's been over 3 months now... I know it sounds like an insult to those that struggled for years, but I've been functional all this time, at least enough to shower, take care of my plants, going for a walk, talking to my friends... Or doing more than just sitting in a dark room all day. I'm worried I'm doing a mistake by staying "clean" or not looking for more answers.

Unfortunately the path to healing is not a straight line, I wish I could say it isn't normal, but unfortunately I can't.

I think we have all been through a phase of thinking we need to 'do more', but even though it might not feel like you are doing much atm to help, you are actually doing all the right things, the body and cns are amazing, trust them to eventually put all this right for you.

17 hours ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

But when symptoms return with such debilitating force like the past days, I'm totally hopeless. All I can do is close my eyes, lower any stimulation to 0 and repeat myself that it's okay and I'm healing, for every little noise will make me jump.

I think on days like this, this is all you can do. Honestly just reading that entire post about your process and how your days are going, I can see you are doing very well in terms of your approach, you understand fully what is happening and are doing your best in a very difficult situation, I think you should be very proud of yourself.

I feel like this is gonna be one of my last posts. Haven't slept as I kept getting shocked awake with constant heart over 100bpm, salivating like crazy with the urge to swallow. My fight or flight also activated and doesn't turn off anymore. I can't even get up to pee as my heart rate goes crazy and my chest feels weird and burning, slipping some beats. All my muscles are spasming and burning. Definitely my worst ever, I'm sorry guys, but something really is wrong I'm afraid. I wish I could take something to numb it down, I guess not everyone makes it

I experienced similar.

It will pass, in time. All you can do is hold on to that.

So sorry to hear about what you’re experiencing @ALonelySoul12 . Do you have friends and family who can be with you at such a difficult time?

23 minutes ago, Catbird said:

So sorry to hear about what you’re experiencing @ALonelySoul12 . Do you have friends and family who can be with you at such a difficult time?

Only my father... But I'm so scared. I suddenly struggle to swallow and chew food? Like I can't line up my teeth correctly, I'm so scared...

Hi @ALonelySoul12 I’m really sorry you are going through this. I am in a severe severe wave myself. Please hang in there. Keep us posted.

@ALonelySoul12 im am very sorry to hear you are having such a difficult day. I’m glad you have your father for support. I know all this must be very scary. Hang in there we are all right behind you supporting you all the way.

I'm so done. I can't even eat today... Yesterday I didn't sleep at all, yet managed. Today I slept plenty, although I might have woken up once at night, so I thought I'd feel better... Yet i'm so filled with adrenaline... Someone help me... So tempted to take something, this is inhumane... I feel like my brain is dying as I don't have windows anymore, just decline. I'll probably end drugged again as this is too much, no coping mechanism works anymore...

Edited May 28May 28 by ALonelySoul12

2 minutes ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

I'm so done. I can't even eat today... Yesterday I didn't sleep at all, yet managed. Today I slept plenty, although I might have woken up once at night, so I thought I'd feel better... Yet i'm so filled with adrenaline...

Its not unusual to wake up with increased anxiety. Your body builds up anxious hormones overnight and then dumps them when you wake up. But its a good sign you slept well. To burn off the adrenaline, do something physical, even if its walking around your room. That will ease your thoughts as well.

Please see @Fullhealing 's thread. She's struggling as well but knows its not going to last forever. Your mind is totally focused on finding and magnifying negative thoughts. Just try to consciously bring your thoughts back to reality. You can do this!

Edited May 28May 28 by mstimc60

@ALonelySoul12 I’m so sorry for your suffering. I’ve also had days when the anxiety and adrenaline was so severe I felt like I couldn’t take it anymore. I promise you’re stronger than you know. It has been better before and it will get better again. Keep fighting, we’re right behind you.

@ALonelySoul12 you are so much stronger than you realise. It might feel like things are getting worse but not only is healing happening it simply won’t be like this forever. Hang in there, more drugs just causes more harm and prolongs healing.

Thanks guys... I really don't know what I, or others would be doing without a community like this... I'm just worried that I'm suffering like this because of a deficiency like magnesium or B12. Because of gastritis, limited diet, PPI use, gastro symptoms and what not, my B12 has lowered towards borderline in a whole year (from 380 to 280 with less than 210~ being deficient territory). And there's so much info saying that it's possible to get the exact same neuro symptoms I'm experiencing like twitching, cramps, anxiety... because of those deficiencies, even when you're on the low-end of that range.

I would stop my PPI, but I never feel good enough to do so 😅 Like today my stomach has been burning BAD, so I don't know if it's gastritis, GERD or my nervous system lying to me with burning sensations. Can't visit doctors anymore because i'm oversensitive, so I feel like I've ran out of time to figure it out and get better. I tried sublingual B12 supplements the past year, but I remember they gave me nausea and a panicky feeling right away (I think I wasn't even in withdrawal yet)

So yeah, I'm trying to go natural and reintroduce more B12 rich foods, but I don't know if it's enough taking a PPI, even if it's the lowest dose. I've been eating like 500g of lean meats almost daily yet B12 keeps falling... I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place 😅 And good windows where I can go out for a loooong walk don't really come anymore.