I think I'm dying tonight... I don't know what's happening... I feel extremely sick, nausea, panic, trembling, like my entire intestines and abdomen are getting squeezed front and back... Chest is tight and I can't breathe well, my heart speeds up and beats hard... I can't do this... Why am I not getting better? I'm afraid stopping this medication is gonna end my life soon... Over 50 different symptoms that just keep getting worse. I'm not made to be drug free I think. Never seen another user with the same amount and severely of symptoms... I feel so lost and alone. How does one survive this when even getting up from the chair to pee feels like I'm tearing my nervous system apart?

Why didn't I stick with Lexapro again... Sure, the digestive issues were bad, but now I have every symptom possible and more...

Edited June 29Jun 29 by ALonelySoul12

@ALonelySoul12 sorry to hear of your suffering, sounds terrifying and unrelenting. Have you discussed reinstating with any of the more experienced mentors on the site? Or alternatively joined a protracted withdrawal group such as Angie Peacock’s group. It may be helpful to connect with a group where people are dealing with similar issues to yours. 🤗

53 minutes ago, Catbird said:

@ALonelySoul12 sorry to hear of your suffering, sounds terrifying and unrelenting. Have you discussed reinstating with any of the more experienced mentors on the site? Or alternatively joined a protracted withdrawal group such as Angie Peacock’s group. It may be helpful to connect with a group where people are dealing with similar issues to yours. 🤗

I really don't know... I didn't react well when reinstating originally, a second time might be pushing it. Then again I went through antibiotics beforehand and some symptoms did improve, while others stayed with me all.the way here.

I think at most I might try other options such as beta blockers, or clonidine... Clonazepam if really desperate. If all these dysautonomia symptoms get so bad I also lose the ability to feed myself or climb the stairs of my home... Then I'll have no other choice, I have noone else to take care of me. Only my elder dad that has enough with himself, yet manages to do all the shoppings, dishes, taking care of the home, cooking... I'm so sorry for giving him such a burden. No wonder he wants to send me to all the doctors to find a fix. 11 months is a long ass time to not see a single improvement and still be declining and developing symptoms. I keep my diary of symptoms and they all are still present and in top intensity.

I feel like this will be my new, permanent, unmedicated self. With good days being my own brain mocking me, showing me how good I used to feel just a month ago before taking another step down to hell, developing more symptoms, and repeating the cycle.

"Remember how you used to go shopping on good and bad days? Now you'll only do it on good days."

"Remember how you used to do things outside? Now you won't be able to anymore either in good or bad days, and doing indoor tasks will now be only possible during good days."

"Nevermind, tasks are no longer possible. Remember you used to shower and eat just about enough? Well this will only happen in good days now."

"Yeah okay, now showering or eating will be totally painful regardless of how you feel, needing a whole hour to eat a 90g plate of pasta. Remember socializing and videogames? Your remaining coping mechanisms? They will all now be overwhelming except for good days..."

And so on, that's how it feels. If only dying was easier, don't know how I'm still going somehow.

I'm so sorry you're in such a bad way. I can only imagine some of what you describe. I wish I had words of solace that would take away your suffering. I understand despair - I have periods of depression when my symptoms are so very persistent and can last for weeks. I'm in a different position to you and have none or little experience of what it is like. Just know that others are thinking of you 🤗

@ALonelySoul12 Im sorry you are having such a rough time still, remember those glimpses of better days, hang onto them even though they are small.

My take I would not add any additional drugs into your system, I think your nervous system is obviously destablised I would worry it would be like pouring fuel onto the fire. As for RI, I think that is tricky given your drug history, it's not clear to me what you took and when as you footer is a little hard to follow, perhaps tidy it up to look like the sites reccommened format, (found in the FAQs) but from what I can read your system is screaming at you for all the dose shifts and various drugs you have been on and off rather than pure WD.

It is dull and boring to say and I keep repeating I know but time is our friend, I truly believe this.

On 6/30/2026 at 1:30 AM, ALonelySoul12 said:

I feel like this will be my new, permanent, unmedicated self. With good days being my own brain mocking me, showing me how good I used to feel just a month ago before taking another step down to hell, developing more symptoms, and repeating the cycle.

You've been in a downturn for a few months, and had a second window only a week ago.

Insisting that this is all permanent on those timescales just doesn't make sense, especially if you're having windows.

Believe me, I understand how hard it is to go through this, but you need to make an effort to stay objective.

On 6/30/2026 at 1:30 AM, ALonelySoul12 said:

11 months is a long ass time to not see a single improvement

What do you mean not a single improvement? You're beginning to have small windows. That's a sign that you're coming out of the last couple of months that have been worse. These quotes are talking about a day exactly 1 week ago:

On 6/25/2026 at 9:42 PM, ALonelySoul12 said:

The next day I was blessed with a small dirty window too, where my libido returned, although it was overwhelming alongside other symptoms. I pushed myself a little bit to have a some joy after so much suffering

On 6/25/2026 at 9:42 PM, ALonelySoul12 said:

Just wanted to share a small victory.

I realise that this probably comes across as blunt, but we know that things often worsen around this timescale, and we also know that as they start to improve, it often comes in the form of short windows. Insisting it is permanent when a week ago you had a second small window is just not productive, even though I recognise that withdrawal causes thinking like this.

Likewise, telling yourself you're "probably dying tonight" is just not helping you.

There is a pretty good chance that down the line you will return to the level of functioning you were at before this worse period of a few months. It's a pattern I've seen in a number of others in my time and many report worsening for a few months around this time.

I was in this state for a couple of years with zero windows, and even for me it was not a permanent state. I think it's highly likely that it is not for you either and assuming that it is after a couple of months and making drug decisions on that basis is very unwise, in my opinion, given the information we have.

Of course, this is all absolutely brutal, and all of the above is much easier said than done. You're in agony, and all you can really do is survive at the moment, and that's horrific.

This might sound very silly, but I'm sad because I feel that i lost my "life partner".

I planted a lemon and tangerine tree from seed, as I always loved citrus. In 2 years they grew into gorgeous saplings full of life. They were hard to keep because of citrus plagues being common, they were also picky about watering, but it was rewarding.

At some point, as I started to get sicker, I was less able to take good care of them, my house is very vertical with plenty of stairs, so once withdrawal started to hit I neglected them more as I could not do the physical effort to climb up and down, move their heavy pots or crouch around looking for bugs.

This winter was quite harsh, so when I got the bad November-December wave, the tangerine died of excess water due to heavy rains.

The lemon barely survived, so when I recovered in January-February, I did my best to revive it. It was on deaths door and had to remove a lot of dead wood, but things looked up... Sadly in March the real withdrawal hit... So after more than 4 months of sickness and not being functional, my last companion died.

I'm heartbroken. Looking at that green citrus smelling thing always brightened my day, but I'm too useless even for that.. I was postponing week after week, unable to handle the sunlight or heat, hoping for a day where I felt okay for all the physical labor. Some days I even pushed myself as I was seeing it wither, but it was not enough.

I'll miss you my potted friends, there's something poetical about these plants thriving during my best time, and dying of sickness alongside me

Pictures of the decline

Edited July 3Jul 3 by ALonelySoul12
Added pictures

@ALonelySoul12 I don’t think that’s silly. It’s natural to get attached to living things that you nurture and care for, even plants. I have an orchid I got as a wedding gift that I’m pretty obsessed with keeping alive — luckily it’s a lot less strenuous than caring for a tree.

I’m sorry you lost your trees 😢. Hopefully once you’re feeling up to it you can get more, and keeping them alive and thriving can be a sign of your recovery 💪🏼😊.

On 6/30/2026 at 8:30 AM, ALonelySoul12 said:

I think I'm dying tonight... I don't know what's happening... I feel extremely sick, nausea, panic, trembling, like my entire intestines and abdomen are getting squeezed front and back... Chest is tight and I can't breathe well, my heart speeds up and beats hard... I can't do this... Why am I not getting better? I'm afraid stopping this medication is gonna end my life soon... Over 50 different symptoms that just keep getting worse. I'm not made to be drug free I think. Never seen another user with the same amount and severely of symptoms... I feel so lost and alone. How does one survive this when even getting up from the chair to pee feels like I'm tearing my nervous system apart?

Why didn't I stick with Lexapro again... Sure, the digestive issues were bad, but now I have every symptom possible and more...

Hey @ALonelySoul12. Sorry to hear about your experience. I also was on Lexapro and now regret coming off. I would pray to God that I could go back and never come off this drug. I felt great but just wanted to lose weight and the doctor said I could back on anytime with no negative effects.

I also am suffering alot and I feel like I have symptoms that no one else has which makes me even sadder but I am using radical acceptance to just accept the situation as it is. Nothing I can do at 13 months off and reinstatement being a coin flip.

I hope you get better soon and happy to talk if you ever need it. Good luck.

@ALonelySoul12 I’m in the Lexapro camp too, and suffering with severe physical symptoms too. I’m curious about you describe being squeezed front and back. I’ve had 9 weeks of similar symptoms although mine seem to be purely muscles and fascia. It’s unbearable at times and I feel so weakened and depleted by it. I’m still around the 1mg mark, but I’m terrified to make any changes

On 7/4/2026 at 3:54 PM, ExLexaBro said:

Hey @ALonelySoul12. Sorry to hear about your experience. I also was on Lexapro and now regret coming off. I would pray to God that I could go back and never come off this drug. I felt great but just wanted to lose weight and the doctor said I could back on anytime with no negative effects.

I also am suffering alot and I feel like I have symptoms that no one else has which makes me even sadder but I am using radical acceptance to just accept the situation as it is. Nothing I can do at 13 months off and reinstatement being a coin flip.

I hope you get better soon and happy to talk if you ever need it. Good luck.

Trust me man, I have your symptoms and more. Here's a list of every symptom I deal with almost daily, 11 months off. Some might disappear for a bit and reappear, but most of them are there with me daily and have been stuck in my house for 4+ months:

- Pain in left shoulder
- Pain in chest
- Joint pain
- Headaches
- Pain when moving my eyes
- Painful tense jaw
- Muscles twitching
- Stabbing needles that can make me jump out of the blue, specially in my eyes
- Cold in my left leg
- Sweating/hot spells
- Fatigue
- Insomnia
- Tremors
- Dizziness/Feeling like i'm on a rocking boat
- Tinnitus
- Weird feeling on my throat left side
- Sensitive teeth
- Pain under both ribs
- Goosebumps at everything
- Weird tingling on my pelvic floor

- Pins and needles
- Legs/hands falling asleep
- Sexual dysfunction
- Flu/allergy/sneezing/itching/runny nose
- Exploding head syndrome when falling asleep or random brain zaps
- Hypersensitivity to everything, sound, TV, games, stress
- Feeling jumpy at every sound
- Anger spells
- Suicidal ideation
- Intrusive thoughts
- Paranoia
- Extreme Anxiety and agoraphobia
- Depression but unable to handle crying
- Anhedonia
- Sensitive tongue
- Hiccups
- Cramps
- Globus and inability to swallow
- Intestinal pain
- Gas and bloating
- No appetite
- Nausea
- Abdominal pain above belly button
- Nosebleeds
- Burning skin
- Burning nose
- Inner vibrations
- Temperature dysfunction feeling too hot or cold
- Constant tachycardias

- Skipped heartbears
- Muscle tics and twitches
- OCD like tics/compulsions
- Chronic cough

Sadly I'm in a terrible dark place, and as sad as it sounds, thinking of dying in my sleep is the only relief that calms me down to actually fall sleep, so I can relate. I can have a "window" where one or some of those symptoms abate for a bit, but even then I can accomplish mostly nothing. The idea of reinstating pops up in my head often. When I got kindled, my symptoms were mostly a bit of burning, reflux, upset stomach, occasional twitches and panic attack... A far cry of my collection of over 50 symptoms. But so far I haven't budged. I think my pre-drugs self that wished to die is back and wants to see if this can actually finish the job, as morbid as it sounds 😅 But yeah, when you wake up almost nightly with your heart beating at 150+, eyes all watery, nose running and paranoid, unable to even take a shower or open the door to the delivery man without getting a panic attack... You don't really want to wake up anymore. Can't even take benzos or antihistamines or anything, so whatever. Let's see how deep down this goes.

Ps: Sorry for the negativity, feeling very very rough, will bring positivity once I have another good moment where I can have some peace.

Edited July 6Jul 6 by ALonelySoul12

@ALonelySoul12 I am heartbroken to hear you describe your suffering. I can relate to a lot of your system, including the depression and complete functional decline. Please hang in there, just

minute by one minute. Many days I look at the clock and think "It's 11am, the morning is almost done" Then I might think "It's 3pm, most of the day is done" At bed time I think "Another day finished that doesn't have to be done again". And that's how I endure, hour by hour, often just staring at the wall, in bed. Hang in there, because it cannot stay this bad, it simply can't. I don't believe the human brain can sustain this level of dysfunction forever. Even if recovery isn't full, it will get better. Thinking of you.

4 hours ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

Let's see how deep down this goes.

I just want to tell you I am really proud of you, of you managing to keep on despite feeling so bad for so long.

You will eventually heal out and have it easier, to the point you can function and do a lot more things, this is a temporary state.

Just let whatever happens happen, and know you are healing and will heal out.

❤️

Thanks @Lighty and @Sminismoni . I'm doing my best. It's very hard to stay cool in this storm with the health issues that I already have on top of that (deficiencies, hypothyroidism, bad diet/gerd, allergies, a bad knee that I had surgery and need the muscle that I lost through this ordeal so it doesn't hurt...). It's a hassle to not grow paranoid that I'm not able to address these issues.

@ALonelySoul12, I can understand you very well. I am also in Hel: insomnia (I wake up every hour of distress, panic,terror and sweats), anhedonia which started ON drugs, dark dark dark depression... But thinking logically, the brain cannot stay forever in this abnormal state with this degree of suffering... Our task now is to stay alive...

16 hours ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

will bring positivity once I have another good moment where I can have some peace.

It will come

22 hours ago, Sminismoni said:

Many days I look at the clock and think "It's 11am, the morning is almost done" Then I might think "It's 3pm, most of the day is done" At bed time I think "Another day finished that doesn't have to be done again". And that's how I endure, hour by hour, often just staring at the wall, in bed. Hang in there, because it cannot stay this bad, it simply can't.

This is how I lived for a really, really long time. When it's this horrific, that's all you can do.

I'm not fully recovered, but I don't live like this anymore.

I believe that both you @Sminismoni and you @ALonelySoul12 will also stop living this way in time.

Sharing a long mixed update of things I've noticed so far in my diary so it's not all doom and gloom.

First, some positives. Although I feel terrible and unstable, the past two weeks i've been able to sleep at night. Some I wake up with my heart racing or have vivid dreams, others feel normal, others I have physical symptoms that keep me up or I'm wired, one day I even slept like 10 hours and woke up as if I had a concussion... But i've been averaging 4-10 hours daily, so i'll take this as a win.

Second positive, I've been able to play some videogames without being so overwhelmed by them. I can play a driving game like the new forza driving game, but not for too long, too fast, or with stimulating radio music for example. Although I don't know if that's a positive, as I was watching a sad-ish show the previous month normally until it became overwhelming, and it still feels this way. I feel like one emotion becomes bearable, but another gets overwhelming, so I don't know if it's just a fluctuation. I almost cried the other day and stopped myself because it felt horribly overwhelming, while I was able to normally 6-7 months out.

Third positive, my libido feels stronger. Like some days I can get an erection out of the blue or during the morning that feels stronger than previous months. Not pre-withdrawal, but i'll take it. Everything sexual is yet another emotion, so I can't handle doing anything yet. I've been in an involuntary no fap spree since November last year when it became overwhelming, so around 8 months clean.

Fourth positive, been a bit more talkative to some friends or coworkers. Self explanatory.

For the negatives, I feel old things that bothered me return:

First, the anxiety. The issue that pushes everyone towards meds. I feel it stronger now like it's coming back online. The previous months I had tachycardias and didn't know why as I didn't feel the other nervous things. Now I do feel it more consistently with the classic dry mouth, tight chest, muscles bracing, stronger tinnitus, hyperventilating... Agoraphobia is stronger than ever too, same with anxiety about other illnesses like getting a flu or cold while in withdrawal, going to the doctor, opening the door to the delivery man, or even my own allergies, so not a fan at all. Feeling my body sick like this on the daily reinforces it even more. I try to take in the fresh air and sun in my own terrace, but I feel terrible quite quickly with runny nose, cough, crying eyes, more sensitive and overwhelmed. A month or two ago it was okay, so I don't know if i'm really improving or not. I sometimes feel like my old 8 year old self that would get panic attacks and rush the ER because I freaked out eating a nut with a worm in it.

Second, nosebleeds. I have a trauma pre-meds when I was a teenager because I once woke up to my pillow painted all red because of a very strong nosebleed while sleeping, so when I see blood I get a panic attack, which of course, worsens the bleed. I'm trying to keep it moist with saline spray and ointments because I also feel my skin super dry in withdrawal, so it could be that, could be not.

Third, hemorrhoids/IBS. The first I haven't had it in years since I got one of those donut like cushions to sit. Lately I've been feeling the itch again, specially if I move around a lot. So far nothing too bothersome happened as I try to wash gently down there, but the itch that drove me crazy when going for long walks seems to return. The second so far is not an issue yet, but I've been feeling my bowels a bit more unruly. I used to have really bad diarrhea pre lexapro. As a teenager I was like 100kg because of my bad diet and lost like 40kg so quickly, I still have the loose skin. I truly hope they don't return.

So far, I don't know how to feel. Some things have been feeling a tiny bit more bearable, but others remind me of issues I thought were past history. Some were present while taking lexapro, so it could be withdrawal related when my psych changed the dose. Others were present before I got in meds, so I don't know if it's the "original condition" or another withdrawal phase. The uncertainty really gets to me and makes me doubt if I'm doing the right thing, having things you forgot about make a big return is quite discouraging.

Only time will tell, we continue marching forward.

Hi @ALonelySoul12 I went through a period where if I heard an emotional song, I'd be on the brink of tears. Your mixed emotions and symptoms may be a sign your nervous system is starting to heal. Its trying to sort out how to react to certain stimuli, and to recognize what's real from what's being driven by your anxious mind. Having old issues pop up again seems to be pretty common; again, it could be a sign your brain is dealing with things it avoided before. Acceptance can be a powerful tool here; accept the positive signs (its okay to feel okay) and also accept some old problems may resurface, but you know they'll fade. You're getting there!

1 hour ago, mstimc60 said:

Hi @ALonelySoul12 I went through a period where if I heard an emotional song, I'd be on the brink of tears. Your mixed emotions and symptoms may be a sign your nervous system is starting to heal. Its trying to sort out how to react to certain stimuli, and to recognize what's real from what's being driven by your anxious mind. Having old issues pop up again seems to be pretty common; again, it could be a sign your brain is dealing with things it avoided before. Acceptance can be a powerful tool here; accept the positive signs (its okay to feel okay) and also accept some old problems may resurface, but you know they'll fade. You're getting there!

I had this in the first months of withdrawal. I remember I was with my therapist and could not stop bawling. Same reaction with emotional or inspirational things in social media, movies, songs or tv shows. Eventually though emotions became too much, so now if I cry, laugh too much, get angry, etc... I'm gonna have a panic attack. Tears also feel like my eyes are getting stabbed with needles, so I avoid anything that might trigger me

3 minutes ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

ears also feel like my eyes are getting stabbed with needles, so I avoid anything that might trigger me

Its good to moderate your exposure till you find your comfort level. Your body will tell you what you can handle.

@ALonelySoul12 You are improving. There is no doubt, not only are some of your symptoms getting better, but others are fluctuating. This is all strong signs of the brain adjusting/adapting/healing imo. Also I can hear a huge reduction in the intensity of your tone. You sound less frightened, panicked, more rational. This is perhaps the biggest thing your update demonstrates.

Now you can start to believe in your healing, the path will likley not be straight or flat but you will continue to improve.

Really pleased to read mate.

And of course, another terrible terrible day where I've done almost nothing at work and feel the urge to vent. Woke up super depressed, got a random panic attack after having breakfast and a 15 minute work call for no reason at all. My nose started burning too just like when i took my first lexapro pill more than a year ago. Now my legs are vibrating internally, mind feels like a zombie floating brick, face and jaw hurt all day, muscles twitch and spasm, bowels are noisy and feel like I have fireworks going off, heartrate high, and worst of all, the dreaded paralysis. A weird symptom where I'm stuck immobile in my body, like there's an irritated nerve in my nose/face, so if I move to get up or do anything from my chair/bed, it physically hurts and symptoms spike MASSIVELY.

So discouraging to be in a heavy wave again. Struggling to see the light of day from this nightmare. When does it start to become a limiting inconvenience rather than a horror show? 😔 I want to at least be able to shower, do laundry or take in some sun from my terrace without needing to wait for that day of the month where symptoms lower a bit. Even then I need to pick and choose, I can't do them all without crashing. It's not like I'm asking to run a marathon 😭

Venting here because whenever I watch youtube videos about this topic from the usual doctors, almost all comments are from people that are 5-10 years into this without healing. I don't know if they're real or bots as you don't see them in other communities, but i'm scared to follow the same path, feeling like this 2 weeks away from a year off 😔

8 minutes ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

Venting here because whenever I watch youtube videos about this topic from the usual doctors, almost all comments are from people that are 5-10 years into this without healing. I don't know if they're real or bots as you don't see them in other communities, but i'm scared to follow the same path, feeling like this 2 weeks away from a year off

Being less than a year off is still early in the recovery process, and speaking from experience, that first 12-16 months is brutal. Your CNS is still highly sensitive and jumbled. You really don't know much about the people you see on YouTube; have they tried any coping strategies? Did they stop CT or too fast tapers? Who is sponsoring the YT channel? Is it some recovery guru who is trying to sell people his or her recovery program? Your anxious mind is using those videos to convince you that you'll never recover and maintain its control. You have us to support you through WD and recovery, and there is plenty of proof among members that you can recover. Give yourself time and patience and you'll get there.

10 minutes ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

but i'm scared to follow the same path

Your mind is just running on, right now you are only a year off, you had improvements and still are having slowly, they might be 5-10 years off and having symptoms, but i assure you they are better than in the beginning.

wait 4 years first before being scared you might be 5 years in with severe symptoms 🙂

12 minutes ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

the dreaded paralysis

I believe my ATP process in my mitochondria is malfunctioning (wether you want to call it me/cfs or severe autistic burnout, be my guest, in both you have issues creating energy), so i get being paralysed at times and being unable to do much, tho more recently with the withdrawal it can shift from that state to my nervous system freaking out I can't move and then doing some involuntary movements.

You just got to work around it and if it happens, let it happen, you know it will pass after some time, the best thing you can do is just focus on breathing to help your body relax and rest up.