17 hours ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

I'm terrified man 😭 I did try my best to correct my B12 deficiency with sardines, which more or less worked... But it gave me a horrible gastritis and reflux flare up.

Its good that is helped, perhaps try another food to help or a balance of B12 rich foods rather than just one.

17 hours ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

my stomach feels acid despite taking a ppi,

I am sorry about your acid stomach sounds awful, I am still convinced PPis are a bad move and if they are not helping maybe go without for a month and see how you feel. Perhaps reduce gradually over a few days rather than stop them CT.

17 hours ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

It's been 2 weeks now and don't know if I should go to the doctor as it's not getting better 😭 It's miserable.

2 weeks is not a long time to wait to see a symptom reduce. By all means get some tests, but in reality doctors can't fix wd and just try to sort symptoms into boxes they understand offering diagnosis of multi letter syndromes.

17 hours ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

Am I a worst case scenario?

You are not. As I have said before, many many say this, it feels awful I know, however that is all part of the healing process unfortunately.

We must focus on clean living and coping skills to overcome this challenging time in our lifes. It won't always be like this mate.

I think I will talk to my psych and go for a reinstatement. I know that I said I might wait till the end of August, but I feel like waiting around is getting me nowhere seeing how things have been trending the past year. Every day that passes I feel sicker and further away from the finish line. The mantra of "it will pass" doesn't work anymore, as it doesn't pass. It hasn't passed in months. I've been bedbound sick out of my mind for 2+ weeks now with no end in sight. No guarantee that things will turn around. I go from terrible burning, to akathisia out of my mind, nerve pains all over my face, tachycardia, dysphagia, nausea, reflux, anxiety, all of them at once...

I went from "kindled" with some pain, the occasional panic attack and upset stomach... To all of that and 40 things more. Every month this journey takes something away frome.

4 months in, i lost my sexual function.

7 months in, my ability to go out

8 months in, my physical capabilities with dysautonomia

9 months in, my ability to shower or self care, enjoy my hobbies, clean up my room... Everything started becoming overwhelming

10 months in, i lost my mind and emotions.

11 months in, i deleted my social media as I can't look at my friends lives anymore. Totally socially isolated.

12 months in, sick out of my life and bedbound 90% of the time.

I might have had waves and windows. The first 6 months are a clear indicator of that, but they are gone and doubt they're coming back. In time, at least. I feel like I'm gonna overdose on klonopin before things start to get better. I need help, urgent help. Even if it means numbing me out of existence or put me in a coma for a year.

I posted about my misery on social media through a throwaway account, and met some people from my area that had success after a small reinstatement... So I'm hoping this is my answer, for success stories don't give me hope anymore. Lexapro has always been my friend, and I think my body is giving me clear signals that if I'm not reinstaging, my life is over.

It's unfortunately extremely common to be really bad at 1 year off. It's just not a long time in the context of recovery from these drugs, sadly. So, I think it is totally possible that you could recover in time.

However, IF you decide to reinstate this far out, it's important to start small, and go slowly to minimise the risk of doing this. There is a decent chance a psychiatrist will tell you that a regular dose is fine.

I do understand that you are desperate, and suffering a lot, so I'm not going to try to talk you out of it. All we can do here is provide you with our thoughts, and whatever information we can so that you can make your own decisions. So, in that context I would suggest that if you are considering reinstatement, it is best to read this thread and consider the information within it:

Reinstating an Antidepressant  - Tapering - The Antidepressant Harm and Recovery Forum

I hope that whatever you decide to do, you get some relief soon either way.

I'm doubling @Luke here, but I'll be the one to say it's a stupid fucking idea.

BUT, if you are so inclined, practice the micro-dosing. I know your mind is probably fucked up and zoned out, but you HAVE to get this shit right.

Buy the pill crusher, scale, pipette/syringe NOW and practice it with something benign like Ibuprofen, melatonin, magnesium, SOMETHING that won't fuck you up. I'm saying this as if it was to my old self. I'm pretty sure doing this shit would've saved me a hell of a lot of trouble.

12 hours ago, Luke said:

It's unfortunately extremely common to be really bad at 1 year off. It's just not a long time in the context of recovery from these drugs, sadly. So, I think it is totally possible that you could recover in time.

However, IF you decide to reinstate this far out, it's important to start small, and go slowly to minimise the risk of doing this. There is a decent chance a psychiatrist will tell you that a regular dose is fine.

I do understand that you are desperate, and suffering a lot, so I'm not going to try to talk you out of it. All we can do here is provide you with our thoughts, and whatever information we can so that you can make your own decisions. So, in that context I would suggest that if you are considering reinstatement, it is best to read this thread and consider the information within it:

Reinstating an Antidepressant  - Tapering - The Antidepressant Harm and Recovery Forum

I hope that whatever you decide to do, you get some relief soon either way.

@ALonelySoul12 Also doubling down. If you are going to RI please just get the tabs from the Pysch and DONT RI a high dose. This is a sure way to really make things worse. Low RI dose puts you in the driving seat. If you decide to RI. Get the kit. Then come back and we can help you with the process, so suggest a dose, guide you on updosing and symptom assessment, and make sure you do it technically correct in the first place.

Thank you... I'll try to get a liquid version if I can. I feel like a worst case scenario that actually needs it. I wake up, get some food in, then my bowels immediately hurt, need to head to the bathroom, and it doesn't calm down until many hours later... At this point I need to work, but my face nerves burn and paralyze me, my whole abdomen feels weird, I feel terrified at everything, heart races by switching position, random muscles twitch, I feel dizzy with everything moving while I'm sitting still... So many of these days I've been lying in bed quite often due to the pain.

When I reinstated, I remember I would get minor twitching, a panic attack here and there, a more reactive stomach... But now I have so many things that affect me so heavily, I can't properly feed myself or take care of my body...

Even the things I struggled with back in April and May, like going out, taking the occasional supplement... Feel worse now? Like I react more strongly to even smaller supplements, my symptoms get way worse when I try to go out, everything feels even scarier, I can't keep up with my friends anymore...

Even when I started a mood diary back in June, to see if there's small progress, windows or something... Maybe having more 2 or 3 out of 10 days. It's basically a flat line now. No good 5 or 6/10 days since June where I can come here and be a bit positive. Every day is waking up, feeling so sick I can barely leave my bed, try to make it to the end, and prepare for tomorrow because it will be even harder. Fearing for my life on the daily. I'm so scared and hopeless 😔 My heart breaks when I remember what my life used to be. Waking up, having a quick 10 minute breakfast, rush out on my bike, make it to work, take a nap by midday, return super late because train issues, have a huge dinner as I was ravenous, and sleep like a baby...

Now I'm having 4 meals a day, babying myself, trying to push if I have the capacity to... Yet I can't even shower consistently. I'm all day in bed or my recliner chair, abysmal work performance when I was a top employee... I've always had low self esteem, but all my bosses kept praising me so much. How I could be with the other leaders soon as I got some experience... This illness is absolutely devastating and took it all away from me. At this point, I feel like a common cold can turn into pneumonia and actually kill me the moment another antibiotic enters my system

@ALonelySoul12 so very sorry to hear your having such troubles yet, absolutely do what you think is best for yourself. I myself struggled up till my 15 and a half mark with agonizing symptoms then something shifted in me, finally had noticable windows, how ever brief that is what I held on to. I would have to agree with the other as far as reinstating, but that is absolutely your decision and were her for you on anything you decide. My thoughts and prayers go out to you, I will say a prayer for you for some needed relief. Hugs for now xxxx Bernadette

2 am, I can't sleep. I miss all the things I've lost 😔 I hate that I was using this self care app and can see how withdrawal slowly consumed me. From able bodied and conquering goals and tasks many days in a row except for the occasional bad one, to start missing days... And since February onwards, it's been nothing as I started getting mentally unstable and physically more burdened. Radio silence. Many of these little tasks are impossible today for me... I also noticed my last selfie "healthy" was the exact day h pylori symptoms manifested.

Little did I know I was about to be struck with the worst stomach pain known to man that night, starting this voyage to hell.

I know the internet is an anonymous thing, but I feel like sharing who I am, or who I was. To prove the world, or anyone that stumbles upon this, that this is a real person living a real nightmare, whether it has a happy ending or not. This is the selfie I took in the office just hours away from everything crumbling down. The last day I was healthy enough to make it to work in person. 7 or 8 months out of my original taper by my psych.

Crazy how different I look now. More white hairs despite only passing a year and a half, acne around my face, more greasy skin, almost always sweaty because of the adrenaline rushes...

Edited August 11Aug 11 by ALonelySoul12

We’ve all mourned the person we were (or who we tell ourselves we were) when we’re in WD. But that person is never coming back, so it’s time for you to let go of who you were and start working on the person you want to be. Your anxiety loves it when you obsess about your past because it keeps you trapped in a place that only exists in your mind. Try to replace those negative ruminations with thoughts of who you want to be when this is all over.

Thank you for sharing. My heart goes out to you ❤️

@ALonelySoul12 Sending some love and hope my friend. I empathise as do others on here I know with looking back at photos of ourselves before all this. I have so many selfies with my family out hiking, sometimes in the pouring rain, my eyes are bright and face full of joy and life. Just a few months later, Mirt and now I am here. It does break my heart tbh, so I try to not think about what has come before and just trust that in time things will improve and we will all be new and stronger as a result of the fight we have had to undertake. Stonger, happier, more compassionate versions of our former selfs.

Sometimes I wonder if I should take my klonopin bottle I got for emergencies, still sealed to this day... And chug it whole to end it all...

I got news from a lab I sent some samples to, and told me they did something wrong, so I should go there and do it again... Just what's the point. Every day I'm sicker and weaker. Most people look back on the symptoms that slowly improve or disappear... Yet I'm even worse than when I was in acute, kindled, or when I took double antibiotics.

My stomach churns and hurts, feeling like the nerves in my abdomen are injured. I can't swallow properly as my throat and stomach burn. Swallowing itself gives me tachycardia and reflux for no reason at all. My intestines are a mess too, hurting after passing stool or randomly cramping... I struggle to eat as I have no appetite or get bouts of nausea.

My entire face, head and neck feel tense for no reason and hurt bad. The nerves inside my mouth, teeth, nose, throat... They hurt so, so much they paralyse me.

My ears ring all day, I have a nasty taste in my mouth, my eyes feel like they have needles in them, I wake up with burning in my stomach, shaking and panicky nightly, I can't even talk as my throat is dry, all my muscles and physical shape is gone. Getting winded by simple things like carrying a shopping bag upstairs, my balance is off, I vibrate internally, my mental clarity and genius is gone, my allergies are out of whack...

I've only been talking to one friend during this whole process, during bad days I would reply by nighttime when the day was behind me, for after a couple meals I had some relief/energy to be a bit social, but now I can't even find the strength anymore. I haven't even been scrolling social media or doing other things to pass time as they are even more overwhelming and can't stand them.

Looking back to May, when I was in a terrible place, I had a solid 2 day window. Then in June I had 3 or even 4 days... I even posted in support of other members here. But I wasn't happy because I was still not functional. It was just a tiny bit of relief. Now I've been 49 days window free and developed these nasty nerve pains and stomach issues. The last weeks since the 27th of July, I've felt so sick I stayed in bed until 2pm most days, despite the constant nightmares or waking up shaking... I'm too weak, sick and tired to keep going. Days are a constant 0/10, without a better 2 or 3/10 where I can find relief or hope it'll get better.

Maybe my body ran out of reserves and needs just a tiny bit of supplement, but because of this illness, I can't even tolerate them as well as the previous months where I could afford a setback. Even diet alone doesn't cut it because of my gastritis that gets triggered and doesn't heal.

I feel like this is going to be fatal as my body continues to deteriorate and fail more. My entire system fails from brain, emotion, digestion, balance, energy, muscles... All at once with no breaks. Getting sick at this point in general or needing antibiotics can possibly very well end me... Why should I keep going? I don't think there will be a good life after this. I don't think my body has the resilience to battle this severe multi system failure and find out... Why don't I put a relaxing video of my favorite music and memories, fall asleep and don't wake up again in my own terms? Stop wondering what excruciating pain will I experience tomorrow, and move on to find out what comes next. See if the universe has less painful plans after this.

Edited August 12Aug 12 by ALonelySoul12

@ALonelySoul12 I'm just in tears reading you last post, my heart breaks to hear your going through such a difficult time. I remember back when I had 2 months of excruciating pain and I thought Lord how much more can one endure, how much more pain and suffering can one handle, why me what is your purpose to all this anguish. And as I sat there crying for answers and to have the pain stop, I sit in a ball holding my self tight and say Lord show me the way, show me some sign. Hold on to that @ALonelySoul12 , talk to him he hears us and working in ways we don't always understand to heal us. And in time at just the right minute, and just the right moment and not a second sooner, he will give you the relief of healing. Sending so much love and prayers. Bernadette ❤️

@ALonelySoul12 Deep down, you know giving up isn't the answer. Life still has much to offer you. I felt deep despair when I was in the midst of withdrawal. Just remember the voice telling you its not worth it isn't the real you. Take one day at a time, even one hour, and eventually you will begin to recover.

Also, when you get up in the morning and go to bed at night, try to think of three things to be grateful for. They can be little things like the fact you are able to ask for support on this site, and there are people here who've been through what you've experienced, and we can help you. Positive affirmations can help dull the catastrophic thoughts.

@ALonelySoul12 I can't imagine the suffering you're going through. I understand that it feels unimaginable to you that you'll heal from this. But regardless of what you believe, all of the evidence tells us that you WILL get better. This is not a fatal condition, it is temporary and you can still have a life that you cherish after all of this is done. Your only job right now is to keep surviving. As Chippy says, no permanent solutions to a temporary problem. We are all here for you.

@ALonelySoul12 I relate to a lot of what you're saying.

I was like that pretty much from the start, and very much still like it at a year off.

However, in time I began to improve. Sadly, if you're pretty badly harmed, still being extremely sick or getting worse in some ways is not than uncommon at a year off. The positive side to that though is that others have been this bad at a year off and then later gone on to improve again and eventually recover.

You can too.

@ALonelySoul12 I am so very sorry to read your recent post. I can hear and feel the pain in it. You are such a kind and gentle soul I can tell.

I think the fact you even posted here shows you don't think ending things is the right move.

You say you don't think you can make it and you don't think you can heal, but you really don't know that. The testamony of others says the opposite. In time people improve, and I believe go on to heal and live good lives. The journey is tough for you, but you have one life, and once its over there is no more chances to live it, so whilst you are here, give it your best shot, the game is not over till it is over. You can cope with much more than you can imagine, keep going, one day, one hour or one second at a time, it will be worth it, and you'll thank yourself in your success story I know you will.

On 8/12/2026 at 2:49 PM, ALonelySoul12 said:

Sometimes I wonder if I should take my klonopin bottle I got for emergencies, still sealed to this day... And chug it whole to end it all...

I got news from a lab I sent some samples to, and told me they did something wrong, so I should go there and do it again... Just what's the point. Every day I'm sicker and weaker. Most people look back on the symptoms that slowly improve or disappear... Yet I'm even worse than when I was in acute, kindled, or when I took double antibiotics.

My stomach churns and hurts, feeling like the nerves in my abdomen are injured. I can't swallow properly as my throat and stomach burn. Swallowing itself gives me tachycardia and reflux for no reason at all. My intestines are a mess too, hurting after passing stool or randomly cramping... I struggle to eat as I have no appetite or get bouts of nausea.

My entire face, head and neck feel tense for no reason and hurt bad. The nerves inside my mouth, teeth, nose, throat... They hurt so, so much they paralyse me.

My ears ring all day, I have a nasty taste in my mouth, my eyes feel like they have needles in them, I wake up with burning in my stomach, shaking and panicky nightly, I can't even talk as my throat is dry, all my muscles and physical shape is gone. Getting winded by simple things like carrying a shopping bag upstairs, my balance is off, I vibrate internally, my mental clarity and genius is gone, my allergies are out of whack...

I've only been talking to one friend during this whole process, during bad days I would reply by nighttime when the day was behind me, for after a couple meals I had some relief/energy to be a bit social, but now I can't even find the strength anymore. I haven't even been scrolling social media or doing other things to pass time as they are even more overwhelming and can't stand them.

Looking back to May, when I was in a terrible place, I had a solid 2 day window. Then in June I had 3 or even 4 days... I even posted in support of other members here. But I wasn't happy because I was still not functional. It was just a tiny bit of relief. Now I've been 49 days window free and developed these nasty nerve pains and stomach issues. The last weeks since the 27th of July, I've felt so sick I stayed in bed until 2pm most days, despite the constant nightmares or waking up shaking... I'm too weak, sick and tired to keep going. Days are a constant 0/10, without a better 2 or 3/10 where I can find relief or hope it'll get better.

Maybe my body ran out of reserves and needs just a tiny bit of supplement, but because of this illness, I can't even tolerate them as well as the previous months where I could afford a setback. Even diet alone doesn't cut it because of my gastritis that gets triggered and doesn't heal.

I feel like this is going to be fatal as my body continues to deteriorate and fail more. My entire system fails from brain, emotion, digestion, balance, energy, muscles... All at once with no breaks. Getting sick at this point in general or needing antibiotics can possibly very well end me... Why should I keep going? I don't think there will be a good life after this. I don't think my body has the resilience to battle this severe multi system failure and find out... Why don't I put a relaxing video of my favorite music and memories, fall asleep and don't wake up again in my own terms? Stop wondering what excruciating pain will I experience tomorrow, and move on to find out what comes next. See if the universe has less painful plans after this.

I'm so sorry you're suffering so much. It's not fair, you don't deserve it and your feelings are so valid.
However it's a common theme i've seen with some users that they feel their body is giving up and they are dying. I felt like that at my worst. You're not going to die.

I like to put it in perspective as although its such suffering, physically in a health way, we are fine. Our looks may change due to stress and lack of food at times but we aren't dying - some people are from other ailments that are also horrific.

You don't even look bad, only you see it like that. The mind warping in WD is so real.

We hope to hear from you soon, you have people here who care about you.

Small update, I disappeared for a while as symptoms got really bad and spent most days in bed. Sadly, no corner has been turned and today is still the same. I've passed the 13 months off mark on the 23rd, but still feel the worst ever. So much so I lost the will to keep posting anywhere. Acute level with insomnia, getting jolted awake sleeping 1 hour at best, nerves burning, twitching, gi issues, headaches, feeling like moving, vibrating internally, intrusive thoughts, sweating, anxiety, unable to work despite remote... No changes to anything at all or any symptoms getting milder or disappearing. The same as the first day of withdrawal, but with all the new symptoms I collected during the journey.

On the 16th, I even had akathisia and a hypertensive crisis at 170-100 blood pressure after dinner. All because I trimmed my hair and beard, taking a full body shower afterwards. Didn't even bother with the ER anymore. Praying that my demise comes soon as my body collapses. Life with brain damage, disabled, and with no palliative care isn't worth it. I've lived enough and experienced the basics of what I wanted to experience the years prior. It's been a good 10 years on Lexapro, without extreme anxieties, dysautonomia, IBS... Just a worry free existence

Don't lose hope, @ALonelySoul12 . We are here for you to give you all the support you need. As dark as things seem now, this is not permanent. We can help you get your life back, but it will take time and a lot of self-kindness. Lean on us!

Sending some love @ALonelySoul12 you are stronger than you know. This is all so unfair I know, however it is temporary, you are young and one day this will all be a horrible distant memory. Hang in there mate.

I don't know, I feel like I won't get there. All this dysautonomia, palpitations, high blood pressure attacks, not being able to exercise or go for walks so I'm extremely out of shape and sedentary now too... Doubt there will be a happy ending