@ALonelySoul12

 

Im sorry you are having a hard time. Unfortunately healing can take a long time. I wish I could say otherwise. Don’t let your wd mind convince you this is you doing this, it’s not. It’s not unusual to be feeling worse 8/9 months out. It’s actually pretty common. Time is your friend. Healing is happening. Just one day at a time, giving no thought to the past or the future. We all understand and are with you. Chippy

13 hours ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

I did a general blood test and everything looks good every time too, so I really have no explanation on why I'm feeling so physically sick, with some days better than others.

 

More than likely, it's withdrawal.

 

I suffered immense physical illness for a long time, all as a result of Mirtazapine.

3 hours ago, Luke said:

 

More than likely, it's withdrawal.

 

I suffered immense physical illness for a long time, all as a result of Mirtazapine.

 

I'm so sorry to hear that. How are you doing nowadays? You people are heroes to survive all this torture. I don't think I have it in me to keep going for much longer. 9 months is already too much. I've already lost so much and keep losing even more, even my fully remote job is in danger as I can't bring myself to work when I can't stop shaking and feeling sick. Even talking to friends is a chore, much more meeting new people or trying to find a partner.

4 hours ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

 

I'm so sorry to hear that. How are you doing nowadays? You people are heroes to survive all this torture. I don't think I have it in me to keep going for much longer. 9 months is already too much. I've already lost so much and keep losing even more, even my fully remote job is in danger as I can't bring myself to work when I can't stop shaking and feeling sick. Even talking to friends is a chore, much more meeting new people or trying to find a partner.

 

Well, I'm no longer disabled and bedbound, nor housebound anymore.

 

I started working very low hours, after 2 years. That was far too soon, but I had to. At nearly 3 years out (days away), I'm still improving but still in it.

19 minutes ago, Luke said:

 

Well, I'm no longer disabled and bedbound, nor housebound anymore.

 

I started working very low hours, after 2 years. That was far too soon, but I had to. At nearly 3 years out (days away), I'm still improving but still in it.

 

3 years... You have my condolences for the long term issues... But then again, there's hope if you keep improving! You can do it!

I'll also try my best, but so far at 9 months out, I am still spiraling down, with every wave more debilitating than the last one. At month 1 it was mostly stomach stuff, month 4 I became hyper sensitive alongside all kind of physical symptoms like twitches, nerve/muscle pains, and stopped masturbating or any activity that would get me even slightly activated. And by month 7-8-9 everything at once turned to 11, with anxiety, random panic attacks where I feel like i'm dying, every physical symptom in the book, insomnia, jumping at every noise even when relaxed... So I'm now finally sick enough to be housebound and isolated. Can't voice chat my friends because it's too stimulating, can't go outside for even my daily mental health walk that I did for 8 months, fun times ahead. Most I can do is write, but even then, most of the time I don't feel like talking when I see no future ahead of me.

Start with the basics.  If you can't go outside, sit by the window and find five things you can name, then describe them to yourself in as much detail as possible.  You're just trying to break the ruminations for a minute or two.

 

Also, I had just about every symptom imaginable, from fear of brain cancer to kidney disease.  They were all rooted in anxiety. Its amazing--and a bit scary--the power your mind has over your body, but that doesn't mean any of it will last. 

Update: weighed myself at 170cm 56~kg.

To think I was 64kg about a year ago. Don't know what to do, this wave does not stop and can barely eat without horrible intrusive thoughts, digestive issues...

19 minutes ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

Update: weighed myself at 170cm 56~kg.

To think I was 64kg about a year ago. Don't know what to do, this wave does not stop and can barely eat without horrible intrusive thoughts, digestive issues...

That's really tough, so sorry @ALonelySoul12 it also had a big impact on my appetite and I lost at least 5 kilos, which isn't really a blessing for me.

In any case, it's still a healthy weight. Are small, rich meals throughout the day an option? For me, on difficult days, this is the way to go without overloading myself and getting the necessary caloric and nutritional value.

2 hours ago, Fullhealing said:

That's really tough, so sorry @ALonelySoul12 it also had a big impact on my appetite and I lost at least 5 kilos, which isn't really a blessing for me.

In any case, it's still a healthy weight. Are small, rich meals throughout the day an option? For me, on difficult days, this is the way to go without overloading myself and getting the necessary caloric and nutritional value.

 

I'll try, but I already have dyspepsia/gastritis due to a stomach infection early 2025, that's why I already lost some weight and why I even decided to restart escitalopram (to see if it would help correct my digestion). Now that I add up the withdrawal, shaking all day, panic attacks/tachycardia... I'm just burning more than I can consume.

Praying the wave ends soon with the best window ever so I can eat a bit more and remain calm, otherwise, the next wave is gonna end me for sure, seeing how they just keep getting worse and more intense.

 

I'll be staying away for a while so I stop ruminating, if all goes well I'll be back.

7 minutes ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

 

I'll try, but I already have dyspepsia/gastritis due to a stomach infection early 2025, that's why I already lost some weight and why I even decided to restart escitalopram (to see if it would help correct my digestion). Now that I add up the withdrawal, shaking all day, panic attacks/tachycardia... I'm just burning more than I can consume.

Praying the wave ends soon with the best window ever so I can eat a bit more and remain calm, otherwise, the next wave is gonna end me for sure, seeing how they just keep getting worse and more intense.

 

I'll be staying away for a while so I stop ruminating, if all goes well I'll be back.

These terrible waves, although they feel eternal, will pass and they will not finish you!

I will pray that you will find relief very soon.

Please stay strong! we are here to support you in any shape when you ready.

3 hours ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

Praying the wave ends soon with the best window ever so I can eat a bit more and remain calm, otherwise, the next wave is gonna end me for sure, seeing how they just keep getting worse and more intense.

Try not to extrapolate in this way. It’s impossible to predict how the windows and waves will progress, other than to say that overall, people do seem to get better eventually. Hold onto that. It’s challenging enough dealing with your current reality, don’t add to the stress by making predictions.

 

I hope you soon get some relief from your symptoms.

When you thought it couldn't get worse. It seems my system us now in fight or flight, can't sleep no matter how much relaxing I do, I violently get jolted awake and keep twitching/having spasms.

What do I do? 24+ hours awake, thinking on popping a benzo or something, this is inhumane.

1 hour ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

When you thought it couldn't get worse. It seems my system us now in fight or flight, can't sleep no matter how much relaxing I do, I violently get jolted awake and keep twitching/having spasms.

What do I do? 24+ hours awake, thinking on popping a benzo or something, this is inhumane.

I’m very sorry to read this @ALonelySoul12 unfortunately sleep difficulties are common in wd. As tough as this is right now, you will sleep! Your body knows how to do it and will get the sleep it needs. I know only too well what zero sleep nights are like! Awful. I’m so sorry. It’s best to avoid adding in benzos. Just makes the situation worse in the long run. Let your body do what it has to do.

Have you read our post on sleep?

Sleep in WD

You will be ok. I know it’s tough. Hang in there!

I don't think I'm surviving this. Instead of getting better I'm just getting worse... To the point I have high blood pressure and tachycardia all day, just waiting for my heart to give out at this point. All my life I told myself that I wouldn't live past my 20s. School bullying, bad job opportunities afterwards, low self esteem, dysfunctional and abusive family... By 19 years old, I was broken, not functional anymore. Escitalopram numbed me down until I was 28-29 years old, enough to survive and get by, until I eventually found my partner, a great job.... And lived the best 2 years of my life. I was so good that I tapered my meds through those years. Looking back I might have been in withdrawal after the taper, I did notice I had brain fog or felt sad/irritable on random days, also lost my motivation for many things, but I was functional.

Then my stomach infection happened, probably from all the traveling and living life, got gastritis, took super bad antibiotics... And never tolerated escitalopram again when I reinstated for 3 months.

Ever since February-March of this year that I stopped socializing with my friends at all, I just can't. My nose burns for some reason, I can't go outside as everything is too overwhelming... That's gonna be 9 months of stopping after reinstating at minimum dose for 3 months, and close to 2 years since I stopped the first time.

My family is concerned, they are pushing me to get all kinds of medical tests, brain scans, gastroscopy... Can't blame them. Every day that passes it gets worse rather than better, I'm unable to take care of myself, shower, go shopping... I don't have the energy or brain power for any of it. I can't focus at work so I might get fired. That dream job that I was so happy with, with great benefits, even falling asleep on some days because of how comfortable I was... My soul mate partner left me a year into the ordeal, as I was no longer me, the loving partner that was there for her, no future plans in sight for us, everything was unpredictable...

I don't think it's worth to keep going. 32 years old with only 2-3 years worth remembering. I think my withdrawal is my brain returning to the 19 year old that I was pre meds, totally dysfunctional and with 99 extra symptoms for good measure. Although it's "only" been 9 months of withdrawal, the whole ordeal has been dragging since January 2025... So I've been suffering for 15 months, soon 16.

I don't want more of this. I want to eat the foods I've eaten all my life, I want to stop going to doctors, I want my old funny/joking self that doesn't take anything serious, I want my old functioning body that did kilometer long mountain bike rides, flew in a plane on his own to find love, masturbated for fun without later having all kinds of horrible symptoms...

If this has to last years, as some other members have experienced, then I'm afraid I don't have it in me... I don't want another "window" where I don't really return to pre 2025 self, only to fall on a deeper hole for the next wave.

Sorry for my life story rant, I'm so exhausted and scared. I have upcoming tests from my doctor like a sedated gastroscopy, and abdominal + brain CT scans, and I'm scared the sedation/tests will destabilize me even further. I would rather not do them, but I no longer function. If I don't do them, my amazing family disowns me, for they are tired of me being useless and sitting around all day 🙂

If only I could grab a plane to get out of here like I did in the past, or live alone somewhere but now even a stroll out in the park is too much, I can't even go shopping anymore since March 13th... Either that, or a magical pill that lets me "fake it till I make it"

Hi @ALonelySoul12

I wanted to say hi. It seems like we have very similar backgrounds. I also used to take escitalopram without any issues and even stopped it without any problems. Then I had a bad reaction to antibiotics, decided to return to escitalopram, and I couldn't tolerate it anymore at all! Similarly, I only took it for just over three months the second time and stopped last July. It's surprising how much we have in common!

I completely understand how exhausted and scared you are, it's truly heartbreaking. I wish I could offer you some kind of solution that would bring you relief. But unfortunately, the only remedy here is time. As you probably already know, withdrawal is not a linear process and you cannot predict it. For me, autumn was overall easier than this spring has been, and sometimes it feels like the healing has just stopped and that this is where I'll stay for the rest of my life. But that isn't true. I feel your pain and longing for life, and I want to assure you that you will get there eventually.

@ALonelySoul12

I’m so very sorry to read of how hard things are for you.

I know it must seem endless. I assure you in time things will improve. It might not feel like it now. But all these symptoms are just your body working hard to find balance. They are not evidence of your worsening.

I would advise you don’t have any drugs in hospital that may destabilise you further. That would be a bad move. A scan or check is fine and advised, but any kind anaesthetic should be avoided. That could be bad for you. Your family will support you, their love is not conditional.

Show them this letter.

A letter from Angie

We are all here for you.

Chippy

@ALonelySoul12 Welcome to the group. I’m glad you reached out and shared what you’re going through. I also came from the other group, and I wanted to respond because so much of what you wrote felt familiar.

I was one of the people who went through many of the same symptoms you described for a long stretch of time. The racing heart, dizziness, intrusive thoughts, shaking, feeling overstimulated by everything, nausea, not recognizing myself anymore, and thinking I was getting worse instead of better. It was brutal and discouraging, especially when tests looked normal and nobody seemed to understand how physical and intense it all felt. I actually had a doctor yell at me that there was no such thing of withdrawal from antidepressants and there must be something else wrong with me. It was an ugly scene.

But I made it through. I recovered. My nervous system settled, my mind came back, and life became normal again. I’m not saying it happened overnight or in a straight line. It didn’t. I had setbacks, windows, waves, and plenty of moments where I thought I was broken and would never heal, but I did.

As part of the healing process, I’d also encourage you to follow others here and engage with people on their pages. Connection really helps. Feeling understood, supporting others, and being part of a community can ease some of the isolation and help with emotional healing. I invite you to come say hello to me on my page. If you don't feel up to it, that is OK too.

You are not the lost cause your mind is telling you that you are. You are a person in a very hard time of healing.

You can recover. Others have. I did. Keep going one hour, one day, one step at a time.

Hi @ALonelySoul12 My life story is very much like yours. I was bullied in junior high and high school, and had my first serious experience with anxiety in my 20's. I, too, had a battery of tests that were all normal. Anxiety can use the power of your mind to create a huge variety of symptoms. Yet here I am many years later and able to manage what life throws at me. You can recover, too.

I've found that family members who have never experienced anxiety try to support us in ways they can understand. So they suggest tests for physical ailments because they don't know how powerful the thoughts can be. As @Chippy said, there's nothing wrong with getting tests, but don't do anything that will worsen the symptoms.

At this point, I'd recommend simple distraction practices. If you can't go outside, sit by the window and just observe what you see--flowers, trees, cars, etc. Describe them in your mind. Look around your room and name five things, and again describe them in detail. Even if its for a few minutes, you want to break the ruminating thoughts to give your mind and body a break. You can recover!

Thank you all for your replies... I just don't know what to do anymore. I've read so many stories and it's usually a 50/50 what happens. You can either recover, or people write that they are still bedbound and completely disabled 3 years later.

I just can't be bedbound for 3 years and still suffer. My mind wants to do things, but my body refuses. I want to relax with a videogame, but my body keeps shaking like crazy, or tachycardia of over 150bpm, muscles twitching, everything is too exciting... I want to talk to my friends, but my mind goes into overdrive. I want to work but I can't focus. I want to go out for my afternoon mental health walk, but the thought alone feels overwhelming, and it ends up making the physical symptoms worse afterwards.

I could more or less manage before. I could push aside the thoughts, ignore a symptom or two, go for my slow mental health walks or have a wind-down call with a friend to be positive, watching a show together... But not anymore. In the last 2 months my personality has slowly been erased, my libido disappeared again when it was kinda returning (I say kinda because I would get aroused, but it would feel uncomfortable and symptoms would flare.), I'm unable to concentrate, can't talk to friends or even think without getting this weird feeling of burning in my nose and then physical symptoms start to flare... I remember my last wave having these symptoms come and go, now they never go, they just take turns every day.

I just can't do this. I can't go on when it's been months of going downhill without a real good day. I can't go out, go shopping, cook and eat in peace, do chores, enjoy music, videogames or other media, enjoy my friend's company, sleep, take a satisfying and calming deep breath... It's all focusing over my overwhelming physical symptoms that cannot be ignored, or trying to do something and then getting uncontrollable intrusive thoughts thrown at me, all while dealing with adult life things.

I'm so tempted to reinstate even a small amount or look for something else to help so I can at least have a mental health routine, like drugs that are also used in bad alcohol withdrawal like blood pressure or heart rate meds... I contacted a psychiatrist and he understood and validated me. He helped me during the worst days, like when I couldn't sleep. He suggested to take liquid clonazepam, minimum dose if needed, and having the option was enough to get me to calm and finally fall asleep. He also suggested to take trintellix in liquid drops, but i'm so paranoid to start a medication I haven't tried before. Escitalopram was my one and only... So for now I'm fighting, see how far I can make it, or if I go insane halfway through.

11 minutes ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

Thank you all for your replies... I just don't know what to do anymore. I've read so many stories and it's usually a 50/50 what happens. You can either recover, or people write that they are still bedbound and completely disabled 3 years later.

I just can't be bedbound for 3 years and still suffer. My mind wants to do things, but my body refuses. I want to relax with a videogame, but my body keeps shaking like crazy, or tachycardia of over 150bpm, muscles twitching, everything is too exciting... I want to talk to my friends, but my mind goes into overdrive. I want to work but I can't focus. I want to go out for my afternoon mental health walk, but the thought alone feels overwhelming, and it ends up making the physical symptoms worse afterwards.

I could more or less manage before. I could push aside the thoughts, ignore a symptom or two, go for my slow mental health walks or have a wind-down call with a friend to be positive, watching a show together... But not anymore. In the last 2 months my personality has slowly been erased, my libido disappeared again when it was kinda returning (I say kinda because I would get aroused, but it would feel uncomfortable and symptoms would flare.), I'm unable to concentrate, can't talk to friends or even think without getting this weird feeling of burning in my nose and then physical symptoms start to flare... I remember my last wave having these symptoms come and go, now they never go, they just take turns every day.

I just can't do this. I can't go on when it's been months of going downhill without a real good day. I can't go out, go shopping, cook and eat in peace, do chores, enjoy music, videogames or other media, enjoy my friend's company, sleep, take a satisfying and calming deep breath... It's all focusing over my overwhelming physical symptoms that cannot be ignored, or trying to do something and then getting uncontrollable intrusive thoughts thrown at me, all while dealing with adult life things.

I'm so tempted to reinstate even a small amount or look for something else to help so I can at least have a mental health routine, like drugs that are also used in bad alcohol withdrawal like blood pressure or heart rate meds... I contacted a psychiatrist and he understood and validated me. He helped me during the worst days, like when I couldn't sleep. He suggested to take liquid clonazepam, minimum dose if needed, and having the option was enough to get me to calm and finally fall asleep. He also suggested to take trintellix in liquid drops, but i'm so paranoid to start a medication I haven't tried before. Escitalopram was my one and only... So for now I'm fighting, see how far I can make it, or if I go insane halfway through.

I relate with everything you have to say. Look at my thread if you need proof. The only difference is that you are considering a benzo while I took one. I genuinely think that was a big setback for me so I would not recommended. Those drugs are just borrowed time that you'll have to pay back later, I worry you'll be worse off.

I know acceptance is wicked hard. I'm still struggling with it. But what everyone here has said and made me realize that it's the best thing to get you through this time.

43 minutes ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

I've read so many stories and it's usually a 50/50 what happens.

@ALonelySoul12 try not to read too many stories! They are not you. Everyone either recovers or significantly improves over time. And the later will I’m sure go on to recover further in time.

44 minutes ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

I just can't be bedbound for 3 years and still suffer.

Please try to not assume that this is what will happen with you. You simple can’t know this.

45 minutes ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

In the last 2 months my personality has slowly been erased, my libido disappeared again when it was kinda returning

It’s not been erased, you are just experiencing a temporary worsening of your symptoms or wave. This simply means there has been an acceleration of your healing, things won’t stay this way forever.

46 minutes ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

I just can't do this.

You can do it! Of course you can! You are stronger than you realise.

At the moment it is all about just getting through a day, or even an hour or minute at a time. If that’s what it takes, so be it! Just keep going.

Eventually you will learn the skills you need to make this more bareable, whilst your body heals.

IT WILL BE WORTH IT! 😀

Please think seriously about not introducing other drugs to this. It will likely set you back. You don’t want that. It’s not worth it. Time is your friend.

We are all right behind you!

15 minutes ago, Kahran said:

I relate with everything you have to say. Look at my thread if you need proof. The only difference is that you are considering a benzo while I took one. I genuinely think that was a big setback for me so I would not recommended. Those drugs are just borrowed time that you'll have to pay back later, I worry you'll be worse off.

I know acceptance is wicked hard. I'm still struggling with it. But what everyone here has said and made me realize that it's the best thing to get you through this time.

Damn, I went through your post and feel you so much. I've only quit escitalopram at the lowest doses (5mg), and both times tapering (first for years/months, second weeks.). I can't imagine how horrendous 10mg cold turkey can be, although I imagine every person has different sensitivities too, but still...

I'm not a Christian. I was born in a fake Christian household (Like, you don't really believe, but still participate because it's what others do), and despite being more atheist/agnostic... Many are the times I've curled up in bed praying for god to make it stop or take me with him. It's totally inhumane. I wonder why the secret services of countries don't use this as a method of torture.

I've read you've been feeling good enough to write in this site, so I suppose it's a bit of progress to look back to? I used to recover from the previous wave by noticing I was feeling better and able to do more than the day before. Sadly I'm just spiraling down deeper than ever, so it doesn't help anymore, but maybe it can help you being in withdrawal for longer? 😅

Stay strong

34 minutes ago, Kahran said:

Those drugs are just borrowed time that you'll have to pay back later

This is very well said!

5 hours ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

Thank you all for your replies... I just don't know what to do anymore. I've read so many stories and it's usually a 50/50 what happens. You can either recover, or people write that they are still bedbound and completely disabled 3 years later.

I just can't be bedbound for 3 years and still suffer. My mind wants to do things, but my body refuses. I want to relax with a videogame, but my body keeps shaking like crazy, or tachycardia of over 150bpm, muscles twitching, everything is too exciting... I want to talk to my friends, but my mind goes into overdrive. I want to work but I can't focus. I want to go out for my afternoon mental health walk, but the thought alone feels overwhelming, and it ends up making the physical symptoms worse afterwards.

I could more or less manage before. I could push aside the thoughts, ignore a symptom or two, go for my slow mental health walks or have a wind-down call with a friend to be positive, watching a show together... But not anymore. In the last 2 months my personality has slowly been erased, my libido disappeared again when it was kinda returning (I say kinda because I would get aroused, but it would feel uncomfortable and symptoms would flare.), I'm unable to concentrate, can't talk to friends or even think without getting this weird feeling of burning in my nose and then physical symptoms start to flare... I remember my last wave having these symptoms come and go, now they never go, they just take turns every day.

I just can't do this. I can't go on when it's been months of going downhill without a real good day. I can't go out, go shopping, cook and eat in peace, do chores, enjoy music, videogames or other media, enjoy my friend's company, sleep, take a satisfying and calming deep breath... It's all focusing over my overwhelming physical symptoms that cannot be ignored, or trying to do something and then getting uncontrollable intrusive thoughts thrown at me, all while dealing with adult life things.

I'm so tempted to reinstate even a small amount or look for something else to help so I can at least have a mental health routine, like drugs that are also used in bad alcohol withdrawal like blood pressure or heart rate meds... I contacted a psychiatrist and he understood and validated me. He helped me during the worst days, like when I couldn't sleep. He suggested to take liquid clonazepam, minimum dose if needed, and having the option was enough to get me to calm and finally fall asleep. He also suggested to take trintellix in liquid drops, but i'm so paranoid to start a medication I haven't tried before. Escitalopram was my one and only... So for now I'm fighting, see how far I can make it, or if I go insane halfway through.

You have so much strength that you can't even imagine atm @ALonelySoul12 but withdrawal mind will trick you to believe that you are weak and everything is endlessly black, it's a common symptom among the others that we all deal with but you won't let it win.

You'll see that slowly things will start to improve, just keep surviving and time will take its course, keep receiving and giving support here, it will make the process easier and please stay clean, your system will thank you believe me, more drugs most likely will make bad to horribly worse and you don't want that.

Hang in there, we are here all the way.

Big hug!

@ALonelySoul12 So sorry to hear of your current situation. All I can say is time is the factor here. I'm sure others more experienced than me will have some good advice. I just want to acknowledge what you're going through is a truly awful and what seems unrelenting time 🤗