@ALonelySoul12 What stands out to me is that you still care about your life. You still want to walk, talk to friends, work, play games, feel connected, and feel like yourself again. That part of you is still there, even if everything feels buried under symptoms right now.

I know the future feels terrifying when you read worst-case stories, but nobody can tell you that your path will be theirs. Recovery isn’t always linear, and bad stretches can feel permanent when they aren’t. Right now your mind is trying to solve the next 3 years while your body is struggling with today. Today is enough.

You just need to survive another second, another minute, another hour, and let your body do the rest. It will heal on it's own. I have been in the hell you describe. There is a good quality of life waiting for you.

21 hours ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

Thank you all for your replies... I just don't know what to do anymore. I've read so many stories and it's usually a 50/50 what happens. You can either recover, or people write that they are still bedbound and completely disabled 3 years later.

The second one is incredibly rare even just counting among those harmed by these drugs. The majority of people on this site (who are already the harmed patients) are nowhere near 3 years off.

Even I am not anywhere near that state, at 3 years off tomorrow, having been incredibly disabled and needing a lot of care in the time period you're currently in.

It's somewhat common to worsen sometime around this period (I had a significant downturn at about 7ish months off), and I've seen it happen quite a lot to others.

2 hours ago, Luke said:

The second one is incredibly rare even just counting among those harmed by these drugs. The majority of people on this site (who are already the harmed patients) are nowhere near 3 years off.

Even I am not anywhere near that state, at 3 years off tomorrow, having been incredibly disabled and needing a lot of care in the time period you're currently in.

It's somewhat common to worsen sometime around this period (I had a significant downturn at about 7ish months off), and I've seen it happen quite a lot to others.

It's just so disheartening with the unpredictability of it. I had to ask for medical leave and I'm giving updates to my boss every now and then.

Today I told him that I might start to feel better soon, as I noticed my mind was a bit clearer yesterday... Boom, today when eating lunch I had my heart at 120-150bpm.

I went to my room afterwards with low light, relaxing sounds, etc... I felt like my brain exploded, all kinds of nerve pains, weakness in arms and legs, rushing thoughts of death, started shaking for no reason, my nose area starts to hurt/burn like someone is pulling my nerves like an elastic band...

I just don't know what to do to make it easier, I can't even follow my routine with such unpredictability. I remember the beginning of withdrawal was mostly having an upset tummy or some vertigo, gosh how I miss those days. I've been stuck in this wave for too long.

1 hour ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

It's just so disheartening with the unpredictability of it. I had to ask for medical leave and I'm giving updates to my boss every now and then.

Today I told him that I might start to feel better soon, as I noticed my mind was a bit clearer yesterday... Boom, today when eating lunch I had my heart at 120-150bpm.

I went to my room afterwards with low light, relaxing sounds, etc... I felt like my brain exploded, all kinds of nerve pains, weakness in arms and legs, rushing thoughts of death, started shaking for no reason, my nose area starts to hurt/burn like someone is pulling my nerves like an elastic band...

I just don't know what to do to make it easier, I can't even follow my routine with such unpredictability. I remember the beginning of withdrawal was mostly having an upset tummy or some vertigo, gosh how I miss those days. I've been stuck in this wave for too long.

I'm right there with you @ALonelySoul12 the nonlinearity and the intensity that it hits makes it very difficult to almost impossible to plan anything.

Knowing that it's temporary, surviving the moment, acceptance and staying active as much as possible is the main thing to hold on to imo, although working on thinking patterns is very important when it comes to neuroemotions like what we experience is tricky, dealing with it excessively can cause fixation rather than release.

It's hard to know what's right to do, it's a learning process for all of us.

We will continue to hold on to the faith that as time goes by the system will know how to balance itself and everything will look completely different.

Hang in there 🙏

1 hour ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

Boom, today when eating lunch I had my heart at 120-150bpm.

I found eating, kicked off my heavy wd, when it was at its worse.

I hope you can take from what Luke has said, and his experience, that even though he was very bad, and I remember talking him down on more than a few occasions, that eventually he has improved. It took him a while. But he is showing very significant improvements now, and often able to function, work and so on. I know there is more to come for him as well. He has even been able to get this place up and running, and is involved on a daily basis making decisions, behind the scenes with me.

As tough as it is atm for you, it will get better. Hang in there. 👊

Today marks 9 months since I stopped all drugs... I should be happy I made it this far, but I'm one more hellish day away from getting back to a psych or any kind of meds. I don't think I can go on any longer. My mind isn't mine, I have all kinds of crazy symptoms. I can't enjoy anything without spiking my blood pressure and heart rate, I can't eat like normal... At this rate I'm gona die to my body malfunctioning. This is no longer a wave, but a very slow and steady decline with some good days in between... Now I'm so far down the good days aren't even "good".

Before I could survive by turning off my brain with some random videogame, memes on social media.... Now I can't process any videogame or anything, all my symptoms intensify.

Before I could call a friend of mine before sleep to hang out and calm down. Now I get overwhelmed at the thought of calling and talking with voice, my joking and funny personality erased.

Before I would go out, take pictures, enjoy the sun... Now I can't even go outside.

Before I could do some chores around the house... Now I'm locked in my room. If I go out, instead of returning relaxed, tired and ready for good sleep, I return super activated and wanting to crawl out of my body.

Before I was living outside my body, not paying attention to the physical symptoms. Now the symptoms feel so strong they cannot be ignored, and my life is controlled by them.

Before I was sleeping 6-10 hours a night. Some I would wake, others I wouldn't... Now I wake up nightly and sweating.

Before I would shower almost daily. Now I can barely manage to wash my hair and I stink.

Before I used to love my job, being one of the top employees. Now I'm on medical leave for who knows how long, with my performance tanking for over a year.

Before I used to have an amazing partner. I'd say we were quite close to soulmates. She had enough after a year+ of my shenanigans.

I did a mistake. I never should've been convinced to taper the drug that worked for me in the first place. Specially after reinstating,despite the side effects. I'd rather have those tummy issues than everything I experience now after going cold turkey like an idiot. I'm not designed to work drug free, my mind is broken by default. I remember being around 20 years old and paranoid/crazy out of my mind, unable to sleep beacuse of all the anxiety I've suffered in my life. That's why I went on meds in the first place. I'm afraid I'm not recovering, but returning to those days as all the positive changes the drugs did to my brain, slowly disappear. I'm already sleeping and waking up the exact same. A couple days more and I'll be a total goner.

I need to do something or tomorrow I won't even have a job to return to, or anybody to help me stay alive. I can't lie in bed, not eating as my body wastes away, hoping one day just maybe I return to life. I don't see any sign or window telling me that it's gonna get better. Maybe in January, but how long was this?

14 minutes ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

I'm not designed to work drug free, my mind is broken by default. I remember being around 20 years old and paranoid/crazy out of my mind, unable to sleep beacuse of all the anxiety I've suffered in my life. That's why I went on meds in the first place. I'm afraid I'm not recovering, but returning to those days as all the positive changes the drugs did to my brain, slowly disappear. I'm already sleeping and waking up the exact same. A couple days more and I'll be a total goner.

Nobody, except people with a serious mental problem like schizophrenia is "broken by default". Over the years, your brain has learned some very counterproductive thought habits in the way it responds to stressors. But what can be learned can be unlearned and replaced with more positive habits. Right now, your anxious mind is trying its best to control your thoughts so it can maintain its grip on your thinking. Take a look at Kharan's and Jacky Rose's threads. A couple weeks ago they were where you are now. Now they're both seeing a path through the darkness. This is something many of us have experienced first hand and we're here to help you through it.

@ALonelySoul12 so sorry you’re going through this nightmare. Be kind to yourself when you can 🤗

8 hours ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

I'd rather have those tummy issues than everything I experience now after going cold turkey like an idiot.

It seems like a good trade now but trust me. As someone who did try to reinstate maybe 16 months in, I HATED the medicated feeling. Holy shit it was the worst thing in the world.

I think the withdrawal is making you doubt your gut. Your gut is ultimately right, despite how much you convince yourself it isn't.

We're just on a long journey that's not going to make sense. It SUCKS to not be able to do any of the shit you used to be able to do with ease. I hate it too. I also hated my dick feeling numb, my gastrointestinal system feeling completely fucked, my emotions being blunted, my body feeling medicated, and frankly my emotions tied to a pill. I also hate my focus being tied to a pill that messes with my hunger signals, and needing a pill to sleep. All basic natural human things. That was my gut feeling back in December 2024.

Don't you want to claim that back? There's people who have succeeded and got back on track. It takes a LONG time but time passes everyday. You're already 9 months in. Tomorrow will be 9 months and 1 day. The next, 9 months and 2 days.

Edited April 24Apr 24 by Kahran

5 hours ago, Kahran said:

It seems like a good trade now but trust me. As someone who did try to reinstate maybe 16 months in, I HATED the medicated feeling. Holy shit it was the worst thing in the world.

I think the withdrawal is making you doubt your gut. Your gut is ultimately right, despite how much you convince yourself it isn't.

We're just on a long journey that's not going to make sense. It SUCKS to not be able to do any of the shit you used to be able to do with ease. I hate it too. I also hated my dick feeling numb, my gastrointestinal system feeling completely fucked, my emotions being blunted, my body feeling medicated, and frankly my emotions tied to a pill. I also hate my focus being tied to a pill that messes with my hunger signals, and needing a pill to sleep. All basic natural human things. That was my gut feeling back in December 2024.

Don't you want to claim that back? There's people who have succeeded and got back on track. It takes a LONG time but time passes everyday. You're already 9 months in. Tomorrow will be 9 months and 1 day. The next, 9 months and 2 days.

I so agree with what you're saying @Kahran , but for me it seems the reality doesn't often align with my expectations.

7 hours ago, Kahran said:

Don't you want to claim that back? There's people who have succeeded and got back on track. It takes a LONG time but time passes everyday. You're already 9 months in. Tomorrow will be 9 months and 1 day. The next, 9 months and 2 days.

I do want to claim that back, I'm just unsure if I'll be able to 😔

I keep losing more things as withdrawal progresses, rather than getting better. If it started bad and then got better I would understand or be more positive 🙁

I didn't have erectile issues ever in my life until I reached month 4 of withdrawal, so I've been in the nofap life ever since. It might work, but thinking of something exciting alone is overwhelming, uncomfortable and triggers bruxism where I have to move the jaw.

But that I don't mind, what I dread is having this in a world that doesn't understand. A world where being healthy is the norm, and anyone else is shunned, discriminated, treated as a parasite, and so on.

I already lost my dream partner, if I lose my dream job, which has been very understanding and accommodating to my needs, I don't think I'll have a reason to heal. I already wasted so many years without a job, it's not like I have big savings almost as a 30+ year old. Going back to looking for a job while living in a town in the middle of nowhere... Not looking forward to that. I got the opportunity of a lifetime, and although I'm trying so hard, I just can't if symptoms are this intense.

I'm already being investigated by the insurance and public health to make sure what I'm saying isn't bollocks, and I have to travel to the city when I'm totally homebound. Fun.

20 minutes ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

I do want to claim that back, I'm just unsure if I'll be able to 😔

I keep losing more things as withdrawal progresses, rather than getting better. If it started bad and then got better I would understand or be more positive 🙁

I didn't have erectile issues ever in my life until I reached month 4 of withdrawal, so I've been in the nofap life ever since. It might work, but thinking of something exciting alone is overwhelming, uncomfortable and triggers bruxism where I have to move the jaw.

But that I don't mind, what I dread is having this in a world that doesn't understand. A world where being healthy is the norm, and anyone else is shunned, discriminated, treated as a parasite, and so on.

I already lost my dream partner, if I lose my dream job, which has been very understanding and accommodating to my needs, I don't think I'll have a reason to heal. I already wasted so many years without a job, it's not like I have big savings almost as a 30+ year old. Going back to looking for a job while living in a town in the middle of nowhere... Not looking forward to that. I got the opportunity of a lifetime, and although I'm trying so hard, I just can't if symptoms are this intense.

I'm already being investigated by the insurance and public health to make sure what I'm saying isn't bollocks, and I have to travel to the city when I'm totally homebound. Fun.

You may lose more just to earn with interest but I get the difficulty to accept it now @ALonelySoul12 it looks impossible but as time goes and you'll balance your whole perspective change as well as your actions.

I wish there was an easier way but it is indeed a brutal journey that contains losses however you are doing a great favor to your system that craves a clean balance, with time like all of us you will also learn to deal with matters in a healthy way and not be influenced by unexpected chemicals that at some point always turn on us.

It will be worth it and you can do it, just keep pushing forward.

Apparently I'll have to look for supplements. I got some blood tests done and my iron is borderline low (although ferritin is higher than last year?), same for B9, B12 and overall body weight. Sigh, what will I do. I'm too tired and anxious to function and fix it 😩 Although I've had moments of the day where I felt "better", I cannot go out and function as usual waithout crashing hard again

1 hour ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

Apparently I'll have to look for supplements. I got some blood tests done and my iron is borderline low (although ferritin is higher than last year?), same for B9, B12 and overall body weight. Sigh, what will I do. I'm too tired and anxious to function and fix it 😩 Although I've had moments of the day where I felt "better", I cannot go out and function as usual waithout crashing hard again

Hi @ALonelySoul12 . I think Ferritin has 2 actions: it is a reflection of iron stores and it is an inflammatory marker (acute phase reactant). May be worth looking into a bit further. Other inflammatory markers include C Reactive Protein (CRP), homocysteine, uric acid. Homocysteine is a useful test because it will tell if you have the MTHFR gene necessary for methylation of B9 and B12. I find B12 sublingual spray is easy. Do a google search/ AI before you buy any methyl products.

7 hours ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

Apparently I'll have to look for supplements

Careful with the supplements. I knows it’s another thing to worry about but we tend to react to them. If you are going to try one, start very low and only one at a time. It’s better to get everything you need from food.

14 hours ago, Catbird said:

Hi @ALonelySoul12 . I think Ferritin has 2 actions: it is a reflection of iron stores and it is an inflammatory marker (acute phase reactant). May be worth looking into a bit further. Other inflammatory markers include C Reactive Protein (CRP), homocysteine, uric acid. Homocysteine is a useful test because it will tell if you have the MTHFR gene necessary for methylation of B9 and B12. I find B12 sublingual spray is easy. Do a google search/ AI before you buy any methyl products.

Well, everything else in the blood test looked good, pristine even. There is literally nothing wrong with me according to the blood tests... Which is a relief. If it wasn't for feeling like dying on the daily. Half a day of "relief" is all I could get. It's now back to sweating, tachycardias, feeling of losing balance, headaches, muscle twitches, burning sensations, bruxism, tinnitus, feeling restless, unable to concentrate, difficulty falling asleep, upset stomach and bowels, excess saliva... So many symptoms that I don't even see in the withdrawal checklist. So tempted to get on some other med or do something crazy, this doesn't stop anymore. Also dreamt of my ex partner again tonight, I miss being out of this "wave", where I could sleep 8-10 hours easy and dream free, work, go shopping or for a walk during the afternoon with all symptoms disappearing or becoming mute for a bit... This weekend and the past one there has been festivities in my town, and I haven't been able to go out and enjoy anything. I remember in early february having a break and enjoying the local carnival. Looks like it's no more for me.

So far I've been noting in my symptom diary for 60 days straight without a break. 2 full months of wave so strong I can't function. Beats my previous wave where I wrote for 40 days, but with some days being bearable and then stopped writing for 2 weeks.... Then I started writing again skipping some, until it got so bad I started writing daily.

Edited April 26Apr 26 by ALonelySoul12

1 hour ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

Well, everything else in the blood test looked good, pristine even. There is literally nothing wrong with me according to the blood tests...

This is really good news. I’m happy to see this.

1 hour ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

So many symptoms that I don't even see in the withdrawal checklist.

I know, the list of symptoms is much longer than I’ve seen recorded. There are no limits or surprises anymore to what can be affected.

You really are such a trooper, I know how tough this is for you. It will be worth it in the end. Resist the urge to medicate, this will set you back, don’t undo all the good work you’ve put in so far. It can take some time to see the results but nothing lasts forever. This will pass.

May 1st update, still no signs of a window whatsoever. Dreading every minute alive, I look in the mirror and don't even know who I am anymore. Where is the me that would go grocery shopping in an instant? Where's the brilliant me that aced everything at work? Where is the social me that would hang out with friends all day? Why do all those things scare me or overwhelm me now? What happened in March that I became this? Are the medication changes finally gone and this is my real self?

I would believe it, as some of my old habits are returning (like sleeping on the side. Ever sinceI got on lexapro that I slept facing upwards.) But I also doubt it as physical symptoms are out of control and daily, with headaches, tinnitus so strong I can't hear....

Anyway, I have a medical evaluation to see if I can work on May 5th. It's in another city and I can barely leave my home at night. Any suggestions to survive this? My sister will drive me there, but it's still the big city. Would a benzo like diazepam/clonazepam or any kind of med be okay for a day?

@ALonelySoul12 sorry things are still tough. You will pull through just as others have before you.

7 minutes ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

Are the medication changes finally gone and this is my real self?

No this is all drug harm. Don’t let the doubt set in.

7 minutes ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

Would a benzo like diazepam/clonazepam or any kind of med be okay for a day?

I would strongly advise not adding anything to the mix now. Your nervous system is very unhappy. Would be a bad move imo.

On 4/14/2026 at 6:13 PM, ALonelySoul12 said:

 

and why I even decided to restart escitalopram (to see if it would help correct my digestion).

Antidepressants have a negative impact on the gut microbiome. They strongly disrupt the intestinal flora, in addition to everything else! Have you tried probiotics? A varied diet, rich in fruits and vegetables is also important.

On 4/21/2026 at 1:08 PM, ALonelySoul12 said:

My nose burns for some reason

I also have this, since 5 months! It’s so strange! Very frequent tingling sensations in the nose. Maybe it contains a lot of nerves...

On 4/21/2026 at 1:08 PM, ALonelySoul12 said:

My soul mate partner left me a year into the ordeal, as I was no longer me, the loving partner that was there for her, no future plans in sight for us, everything was unpredictable...

Sure it is. Everything is unpredictable, it's a truth for all. A couple survives the test of time when it is strong. A relationship is never unidirectional, otherwise it indicates a flawed and unhealthy relationship. A person who loves you will always be there for you, regardless of your state of health, and not only when everything is going well and for what you bring to him. Illness sorts out our relationships. Later, you will be surrounded by people who deserve your attachment.

On 4/21/2026 at 6:15 PM, ALonelySoul12 said:

Many are the times I've curled up in bed praying for god to make it stop or take me with him

I am a Christian, and I can say that I am holding on, thanks to God. I pray that he will heal you, that he will heal all of us.

39 minutes ago, poulette38 said:

I am a Christian, and I can say that I am holding on, thanks to God. I pray that he will heal you, that he will heal all of us.

Thank you, I appreciate. Sadly it's been all but downhill for more than a year for me already. I don't have it in me to keep going with symptoms that do nothing but worsen and disable me further. Wherever the point is where it starts to get better, I haven't reached that in the slightest. Starting to suspect there might be something else wrong with me.

8 minutes ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

Thank you, I appreciate. Sadly it's been all but downhill for more than a year for me already. I don't have it in me to keep going with symptoms that do nothing but worsen and disable me further. Wherever the point is where it starts to get better, I haven't reached that in the slightest. Starting to suspect there might be something else wrong with me.

In truth, I think I understand that this is a pretty good sign for you. I know it sounds crazy. The symptoms are the "desperate" ways that the body has to communicate with us. People with pronounced symptoms are the ones who heal best in the end. You are young, you have enormous healing potential. Do everything possible to help your body and mind. Your destiny is to heal. Hold on to that. People have fully recovered after decades of various treatments. It’s a reality. Someone said in a video by Angie Peacock that "we all heal, we just don’t know when". What a terrible ordeal in life, and we are so alone. But we have no choice but to go through it as best we can. You are extremely courageous to have held out so far, and you will continue to do so until you heal.

You probably don’t have anything else. Your blood tests are good ; for your digestion, maybe you should see a gastroenterologist to reassure you?

12 minutes ago, ALonelySoul12 said:

Wherever the point is where it starts to get better, I haven't reached that in the slightest.

Some people improved very quickly in a short time. (And were completely cured afterwards) Some have also seen symptoms disappear overnight, like this bloody chemical depression for example.