I’ve been back on the homemade liquid 2 nights now and not as bad as I was on 25/75 commercial liquid but still very debilitated.

Trouble is some of the panic and anxiety is now my own not just withdrawal and until I’m more stable that’s going to be impossible to shift I think.

Its chicken and egg, one keeps feeding the other, and I almost feel once I’d made the mistake of starting it I should have just excepted that and stayed on it at a low dose as at least I was functioning well at around 3mg.

So many regrets but they don’t help the here and now.

Cant believe I’m still agonising over an updose to 1.3mg and I’m terrified it could make things even worse but it doesn’t feel like I’ll ever stabilise at 1.2mg. Updosing could even work but my own fear of it could make it feel like it isn’t!

I can’t believe how much worse I am 3.5 months into a hold though compared to where I was when WD first started.😔

Sending hugs to all who need them 🤗 xx

19 minutes ago, Emsy said:

I’ve been back on the homemade liquid 2 nights now and not as bad as I was on 25/75 commercial liquid but still very debilitated.

Trouble is some of the panic and anxiety is now my own not just withdrawal and until I’m more stable that’s going to be impossible to shift I think.

Its chicken and egg, one keeps feeding the other, and I almost feel once I’d made the mistake of starting it I should have just excepted that and stayed on it at a low dose as at least I was functioning well at around 3mg.

So many regrets but they don’t help the here and now.

Cant believe I’m still agonising over an updose to 1.3mg and I’m terrified it could make things even worse but it doesn’t feel like I’ll ever stabilise at 1.2mg. Updosing could even work but my own fear of it could make it feel like it isn’t!

I can’t believe how much worse I am 3.5 months into a hold though compared to where I was when WD first started.😔

Sending hugs to all who need them 🤗 xx

Hug back! 
🫂 ❤️

37 minutes ago, Emsy said:

I’ve been back on the homemade liquid 2 nights now and not as bad as I was on 25/75 commercial liquid but still very debilitated.

Trouble is some of the panic and anxiety is now my own not just withdrawal and until I’m more stable that’s going to be impossible to shift I think.

Its chicken and egg, one keeps feeding the other, and I almost feel once I’d made the mistake of starting it I should have just excepted that and stayed on it at a low dose as at least I was functioning well at around 3mg.

So many regrets but they don’t help the here and now.

Cant believe I’m still agonising over an updose to 1.3mg and I’m terrified it could make things even worse but it doesn’t feel like I’ll ever stabilise at 1.2mg. Updosing could even work but my own fear of it could make it feel like it isn’t!

I can’t believe how much worse I am 3.5 months into a hold though compared to where I was when WD first started.😔

Sending hugs to all who need them 🤗 xx

Argh I know Emsy. So sorry for all your troubles. That sounds reassuring. I think this is what I would have done. Your system needs less change now, I think keeping going with the shift was boxing you into a more difficult situation potentially.

 

I don't think there is a right choice now. Ultimately you WILL stablise eventually. It's just how long that takes and coping with what it throws at you, but you WILL! 100%

 

An up dose is just an effort to ease symptoms but is another change.

 

I do wonder if some of what you are experiencing is a stacking of WD symptoms from your 20% drops. WD symptoms can take some time to come on. And obviously you dropped quite large drops back to back. If each change took a couple of months to show, which they can, by the time you did you last drop you might have had quite a bit in the pipeline if that makes sense. And then another drop on top. This might explain how destabilised you are atm.

 

I'll be interested to see how you go the next few days and see if you continue to stay better on the DIY liquid. Be nice to allow your body to settle here before attempting an up dose if that is what you go for.

 

If you speak so Dr H it will be good to hear his thoughts on this.

 

PS yes dont sweat the past, there is only the future now! 20/20 as we said the other day 🙂 xxxx

 

Chippy

12 minutes ago, Chippy said:

 

 

I do wonder if some of what you are experiencing is a stacking of WD symptoms from your 20% drops. WD symptoms can take some time to come on. And obviously you dropped quite large drops back to back. If each change took a couple of months to show, which they can, by the time you did you last drop you might have had quite a bit in the pipeline if that makes sense. And then another drop on top. This might explain how destabilised you are atm.

 

I'll be interested to see how you go the next few days and see if you continue to stay better on the DIY liquid. Be nice to allow your body to settle here before attempting an up dose if that is what you go for.

 

 

I agree Chippy.

i intend to stay where I am for another 3 nights then talk to the prescribed drug support guy on Tuesday when he calls. Trouble is he mostly deals with people coming off pain meds and benzos, both of which he says are quicker and easier to taper off than antidepressants so he doesn’t have a lot of experience with AD.

He does speak to colleagues in another area that have more experience though and he says he would ask their advice before our call Tuesday.

He was a psych nurse for 30 years and thinks Mirtazipine and others should be banned!

28 minutes ago, Emsy said:

Mirtazipine and others should be banned!

I’m inclined to agree. It’s a nasty drug. Hope the next couple of days go better. You’re quite the warrior Emsy. Be thinking of you. 

23 hours ago, Emsy said:

I agree Chippy.

i intend to stay where I am for another 3 nights then talk to the prescribed drug support guy on Tuesday when he calls. Trouble is he mostly deals with people coming off pain meds and benzos, both of which he says are quicker and easier to taper off than antidepressants so he doesn’t have a lot of experience with AD.

He does speak to colleagues in another area that have more experience though and he says he would ask their advice before our call Tuesday.

He was a psych nurse for 30 years and thinks Mirtazipine and others should be banned!

He sounds like he’s going to be a great resource, especially if he consults with others! 
I look forward to hearing what he suggests for you.

 

I wonder if he speaks with people in the United States. 

 

I’m in contact with someone in the United Kingdom who has a a lot of experience from her own horrible journey, but she’s not a medical professional. She’s still tapering mirtazapine herself.

She has quite a story about all of her stays on psychiatric units after being cold turkeyed off of Ativan after using it about six weeks

She eventually had to reinstate Ativan after eight months of hell, and it worked… then she was able to come off of it gradually and then she gradually weaned off of Seroquel and now she’s working on the mirtazapine. She’s almost there and she’s doing great!

Edited March 1Mar 1 by Finni

1 hour ago, Finni said:

He sounds like he’s going to be a great resource, especially if he consults with others! 
I look forward to hearing what he suggests for you.

 

I wonder if he speaks with people in the United States. 

 

I’m in contact with someone in the United Kingdom who has a a lot of experience from her own horrible journey, but she’s not a medical professional. She’s still tapering mirtazapine herself.

She has quite a story about all of her stays on psychiatric units after being cold turkeyed off of Ativan after using it about six weeks

She eventually had to reinstate Ativan after eight months of hell, and it worked… then she was able to come off of it gradually and then she gradually weaned off of Seroquel and now she’s working on the mirtazapine. She’s almost there and she’s doing great!

Hey @Finni no this is the NHS so he only covers my little area in Wales.

I think I know the woman you mean, I’ve read her story. She was on an Angie Peacock video recently?

Just now, Emsy said:

Hey @Finni no this is the NHS so he only covers my little area in Wales.

I think I know the woman you mean, I’ve read her story. She was on an Angie Peacock video recently?

Yes-

Emma Saunders 💗

2 minutes ago, Finni said:

Yes-

Emma Saunders 💗

Have you had any sessions with her? 

8 minutes ago, Emsy said:

Have you had any sessions with her? 

Yes, I have 

 

She’s very supportive and knowledgeable. Such a great person!

 

I used to see her over Zoom and recently, I’ve paid to just have her email me a few times a week to answer my questions.

 

She just keeps emphasizing “no sudden moves”

I don’t know if there’s anything else that anyone can say at this point. 

 

 

Oops -

just deleted 

what I accidentally wrote on your thread instead of mine 

🙈 

Edited March 1Mar 1 by Finni

Well I’ve done 4 nights back on the homemade liquid now and although still very unwell not as bad as I was trialling the commercial liquid so that’s information.

 

This is a feeling sorry for myself post but my symptoms now are mostly the early waking with that awful cortisol surge that pins me to the bed in fear.
When I do eventually get up I’m shaky and sick, exhausted, heart pounding all day, I have no appetite, just bathed in cortisol and adrenaline all day (who the hell thought a drug that excites norepinephrine receptors was a good idea?) occasionally gagging (probably from not eating enough although I do force some soup down me at lunchtime and have a small meal in the evening) and may manage a 15 minute walk at best with no other structure to my day. I do find the evenings a bit easier - that natural cortisol drop I guess although not enough to give good sleep.

I'm a person that thrives on routine so rattling round the house on my own is really affecting my mental health.

It’s so hard to find healthy distractions when everything is too stimulating for my nervous system so my mind spends the day scanning and worrying about symptoms and agonising over the ‘do I don’t I updose’ question.

In fact I now feel like this whole episode has re-triggered the breakdown I had back early July when this sorry tale of mirtazapine started so it’s hard to separate my original breakdown with withdrawal at this stage. So now I’m trying to heal from withdrawal and a bloody nervous breakdown but I guess I’m not the only one in that.

 

Does anyone have any tips for these morning cortisol surges though?

I know cortisol naturally rises from early morning but this is off the scale!

I’m so frozen by it that trying to get up and moving at 4am in the dark and cold just seems to spike it further.

 

Anyway doom and gloom post this one. I’m exhausted, lonely and feeling hopeless right now and can’t tell this stuff to anyone else.

 

Sending hugs to all who need them 🤗 xx

6 minutes ago, Emsy said:

Well I’ve done 4 nights back on the homemade liquid now and although still very unwell not as bad as I was trialling the commercial liquid so that’s information.

Im relieved to read this. I know it's not great but it proves you made the right choice. Also a confirmation that moving drugs whilst not stable is to be avoided at all costs.

 

Im sorry the days are such horrific grind for you by the sounds of things. I can't offer specific things you could do other than to reinforce routine and distraction. What ever gets you through the day. I have (and it sounds like your brain works like mine on the routine front) found doing the same thing at the same time of day really beneficial at making the time pass. Distraction. Could be anything really just what ever you like doing or to be honest where ever keeps your mind off how you are feeling. It's just trying to buy time and setting a pattern for the day helps, I found it created an auto pilot. Sorry not much help I know. When you can eat more that's another event, you see what I mean just slowly making a shedule up so you can get from one end of the day to the other. 

 

Sending hugs back at you!

47 minutes ago, Emsy said:

Well I’ve done 4 nights back on the homemade liquid now and although still very unwell not as bad as I was trialling the commercial liquid so that’s information.

 

This is a feeling sorry for myself post but my symptoms now are mostly the early waking with that awful cortisol surge that pins me to the bed in fear.
When I do eventually get up I’m shaky and sick, exhausted, heart pounding all day, I have no appetite, just bathed in cortisol and adrenaline all day (who the hell thought a drug that excites norepinephrine receptors was a good idea?) occasionally gagging (probably from not eating enough although I do force some soup down me at lunchtime and have a small meal in the evening) and may manage a 15 minute walk at best with no other structure to my day. I do find the evenings a bit easier - that natural cortisol drop I guess although not enough to give good sleep.

I'm a person that thrives on routine so rattling round the house on my own is really affecting my mental health.

It’s so hard to find healthy distractions when everything is too stimulating for my nervous system so my mind spends the day scanning and worrying about symptoms and agonising over the ‘do I don’t I updose’ question.

In fact I now feel like this whole episode has re-triggered the breakdown I had back early July when this sorry tale of mirtazapine started so it’s hard to separate my original breakdown with withdrawal at this stage. So now I’m trying to heal from withdrawal and a bloody nervous breakdown but I guess I’m not the only one in that.

 

Does anyone have any tips for these morning cortisol surges though?

I know cortisol naturally rises from early morning but this is off the scale!

I’m so frozen by it that trying to get up and moving at 4am in the dark and cold just seems to spike it further.

 

Anyway doom and gloom post this one. I’m exhausted, lonely and feeling hopeless right now and can’t tell this stuff to anyone else.

 

Sending hugs to all who need them 🤗 xx

Cortisol is My nemesis right now as well.
Surges all day up and down. Better in the evening just like you.

I have a flaxseed bag that I warm in the microwave that is sometimes comforting if I put it around my waist.

Sometimes I sway side to side in front of a space heater.

I hate that pinned to the bed feeling-  I know just what you mean! Who would’ve thought this was even possible? I keep saying that that I didn’t even know my body could do this.

i’ve read that eating regularly can help lower cortisol. Or I guess I’ve read that if you don’t eat, your cortisol levels rise.

Is there any way to eat some warm toast and butter or something like that in the morning? something soothing?

Or sometimes I eat a few nuts or a few bites of cheese for protein

 

something that goes down easier for me when I can’t eat anything else is a baked potato…

 

I kind of have to time my eating between these cortisol surges

 

sometimes all I can do during the day is ask ChatGPT to encourage me as I’m walking around. I have my phone on speaker and I click on the read aloud option to the response and just hearing encouragement over and over about how I’m going to get better with time… how the nervous system wants to recalibrate and get back to homeostasis 

Edited March 2Mar 2 by Finni

@Finni and @Emsy, I am in the same boat with you. The cortisol/adrenaline rushes kill me. I have read that with Mirtazapine we have to avoid all histamine food.

Svetla

15 minutes ago, skamen said:

@Finni and @Emsy, I am in the same boat with you. The cortisol/adrenaline rushes kill me. I have read that with Mirtazapine we have to avoid all histamine food.

Svetla

Thank you, Svetla ❤️

Are you able to eat?
 

~Julie (Finni) 

Edited March 2Mar 2 by Finni

@Finni (Julie) had some good tips for the cortisol--a warmed (not super hot) flax or rice filled sock or wrap at the adrenals, or even your hands supporting them, will soothe them and adequate fat and protein intake. Of course, try to ride with it in terms of getting up and stretching or doing some other activity to utilize the excess cortisol. Deep belly breathing helps to calm the nervous system as well as the polyvagal exercises I have compiled in the thread on coping strategies (cannot remember the exact thread title). I work as a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner and am a former yoga teacher of 17 years. So I have a quite a few strategies to share. When I have more time to sort through a lot going on in my house (large reorganization of a couple rooms [with taper brain feels like an even bigger mountain to climb])and just typical life, I don't mind hosting a Somatic Skills class. 

 

Blessings and prayers Emsy!

10 hours ago, namastejen1 said:

@Finni (Julie) had some good tips for the cortisol--a warmed (not super hot) flax or rice filled sock or wrap at the adrenals, or even your hands supporting them, will soothe them and adequate fat and protein intake. Of course, try to ride with it in terms of getting up and stretching or doing some other activity to utilize the excess cortisol. Deep belly breathing helps to calm the nervous system as well as the polyvagal exercises I have compiled in the thread on coping strategies (cannot remember the exact thread title). I work as a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner and am a former yoga teacher of 17 years. So I have a quite a few strategies to share. When I have more time to sort through a lot going on in my house (large reorganization of a couple rooms [with taper brain feels like an even bigger mountain to climb])and just typical life, I don't mind hosting a Somatic Skills class. 

 

Blessings and prayers Emsy!

Thank you @namastejen1 and that would be amazing if you did an online somatic skills class 🙏❤️

Regarding the cortisol make sure your room is completely blacked out so no light can get in this did help it for me. If I get it now I tend to get straight up and jump in a warm shower and leave the shower on the back of my neck (vagus nerve) it calms the system down. Eating within the first hour can of waking can help aswell. Hope you feel better soon.

 

 

How are you, @Emsy? 
💗

On 3/9/2026 at 3:39 PM, Finni said:

How are you, @Emsy? 
💗

Hey @Finni I’m taking a break from the forum as much as I can at the moment as I was finding myself getting so easily triggered reading all the posts and feeling so heartbroken by how we’ve all been so badly harmed by the people that we trusted to help us. I need to be a bit stronger to be here than I am right now but I’m thinking of everyone and sending hugs 🤗 x

4 hours ago, Emsy said:

Hey @Finni I’m taking a break from the forum as much as I can at the moment as I was finding myself getting so easily triggered reading all the posts and feeling so heartbroken by how we’ve all been so badly harmed by the people that we trusted to help us. I need to be a bit stronger to be here than I am right now but I’m thinking of everyone and sending hugs 🤗 x

Lots of love 💗 💗💗

On 3/3/2026 at 3:48 AM, Emsy said:

Thank you @namastejen1 and that would be amazing if you did an online somatic skills class 🙏❤️

We will see what I can put together. I have been sick recently and not able to be on here much. It seems I do too much anyway (my family complains and it's true) and then the virus put the brakes on for me. Also had 2 separate vein ablations, so lidocaine injections might have messed with me too; they did mess with my appetite and cognitive functioning. We are all so sensitive with tapering, but I have MTHFR issues too.

 

I see you are taking a break more or less. Do what you need to in order to take care of yourself and come back when you are ready. We are here for you! Blessings and prayers, my friend.

Beautiful people I’m back after a break. I’m so sorry to have abandoned you all but things got really tough for me in Feb and into March and I just needed to hunker down and survive.

I seem to have had a breakthrough and so thought it would be good to update things to bring a little hope.

Ive been in a window now for almost 4 weeks. It feels like it literally came overnight.

After WD symptoms starting early December and getting significantly worse they seemed to peak in February and into early March.

I was barely leaving the house, was off sick from work, managing a ten minute walk if I could, forcing myself to eat through nausea,  not sleeping, nightmares, intrusive thoughts, couldn’t do my own shopping, couldn’t see friends, couldn’t listen to music or watch tv, early morning terror and cortisol that lasted until early evening, weird internal tremors and buzzing, depression. I was terrified.

I would occasionally get a day where things would ease then I’d be thrown back into the pit the day after.

 

Then on the 15th March I went from a 0/2 out of 10 in how well I felt to a 5.

The next day I was back at a 2 and my lovely neighbours had to drop my car off for it’s mot and service for me, so usual windows and waves pattern, but the day after I was back at a 5 again!

This felt different and I couldn’t put my finger on it but I felt hope for the first time in 3.5 months. It felt ‘clean’ not like the dirty feeling windows I’d had previously.

Since then it’s held between a 4 and some days a 7 and I’ve been able to do my own grocery shopping, my appetite is back and no nausea, I’m sleeping better (still not great but better), I have some anxiety in the morning but it passes once I’m up and about and I’m not getting the early waking and terror and nightmares are hardly happening.

intrusive thoughts gone and I feel mostly flat but content enough with actual moments of occasional joy and I’ve had a couple of good cries over it all. Tuesday I managed to walk almost 4 miles which feels like massive progress.

My biggest symptoms now are extreme fatigue, intermittent insomnia, tinnitus and anxiety is on a hair trigger but this all feels so much more manageable.

Im still holding my dose and am in no rush to restart my taper. I want to be a solid and consistent 6/7 before I move on especially as I’m hoping to phase back to work in a weeks time.

Im still waiting for the shoe to drop if I’m honest as it feels too good to be true but nearly 4 weeks must be a good sign?

Sending love and hugs to all who need it. I know some of you are suffering terribly and time and endurance is the only option  🤗 🥰