Thank you @Fullhealing it really is a crazy ride!

4 hours ago, cherrysquid said:

Now im just exhausted and no energy most days. I have days of SI still and the feeling of im going to be like this forever now. But I am much better than I was April, may, June. But I know how unpredictable this is and could have another horrific wave. Im just trying to go with the flow and accept it, which would be a lot easier if I didnt have a daughter I need to be present for and a disabled partner who's own health is up and down with RA.

Glad you can see that you’ve progressed over time. I definitely find that I have to measure my own progress (also trying to stabilize) over months rather than weeks since this is all so slow and non-linear. I remember at first I was telling myself that I should be stable in two weeks! I was so innocent back then 😅😂

It’s hard when life gets in the way of managing withdrawal, but sounds like you’re coping really well. Keep it up ☺️.

1 hour ago, SarahMc said:

Glad you can see that you’ve progressed over time. I definitely find that I have to measure my own progress (also trying to stabilize) over months rather than weeks since this is all so slow and non-linear. I remember at first I was telling myself that I should be stable in two weeks! I was so innocent back then 😅😂

It’s hard when life gets in the way of managing withdrawal, but sounds like you’re coping really well. Keep it up ☺️.

Thanks @SarahMc and yes its so slow its definitely better to look back monthly. My consultant told me withdrawal only lasts two weeks lmao.

31 minutes ago, cherrysquid said:

My consultant told me withdrawal only lasts two weeks lmao.

F***ing classic! 🙄😤😫

6 hours ago, cherrysquid said:

Now im just exhausted and no energy most days. I have days of SI still and the feeling of im going to be like this forever now. But I am much better than I was April, may, June. But I know how unpredictable this is and could have another horrific wave. Im just trying to go with the flow and accept it, which would be a lot easier if I didnt have a daughter I need to be present for and a disabled partner who's own health is up and down with RA.

You're taking the right approach, @cherrysquid . Recovery happens over time and there are a lot of fluctuations along the way. But it sounds like you're making steady progress despite the bumps in the road. My experience was similar to yours. I had to keep working through WD because my job included my family's health benefits. Our son was just entering adolescence during my withdrawal and recovery as well and I had to be there for him. It was a struggle but I made it through, and so will you!

2 minutes ago, mstimc60 said:

You're taking the right approach, @cherrysquid . Recovery happens over time and there are a lot of fluctuations along the way. But it sounds like you're making steady progress despite the bumps in the road. My experience was similar to yours. I had to keep working through WD because my job included my family's health benefits. Our son was just entering adolescence during my withdrawal and recovery as well and I had to be there for him. It was a struggle but I made it through, and so will you!

Oh you absolute warrior 💪 The strength that takes i cant even fathom. I couldnt think of anything worse than having to work during this. Im glad you're doing better now ❤️

Just now, cherrysquid said:

Oh you absolute warrior 💪 The strength that takes i cant even fathom. I couldnt think of anything worse than having to work during this. Im glad you're doing better now ❤️

Thanks! I learned it takes patience, acceptance, and a lot of self-forgiveness to get through it. I also had a great therapist who taught me a lot of coping methods to keep the dark thoughts from overwhelming me. It wasn't an easy journey but its certainly not impossible!

Hey guys hope you're all well.

Questions:

1. Am I stablising? Anyone who's stablised before know what it feels like?

2. Am I even kindled?

I felt a wave coming on last night. Today is my daughters 7th birthday and I was getting stressed / overwhelmed putting up her decorations while I was super tired last night. I was expecting today to be bad. It hasn't been great, but im not stuck on my bed thinking I'm going to pass away. I dont know if im having "dirty windows" which is a phrase I've seen used or if the waves are finally settling down. Who knows, maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and be really bad?

The kindling thing i am not paradoxal. I saw someone on a page on FB saying they accidently drank some lavender tea and were buzzing off the walls. Id been drinking it every night for about 8 weeks until I learned lavender can interact with sert. It calmed me. Ive also taken paracetamol totally fine for headaches (although I'm trying not to touch medicine as I heal). Or is there levels to kindling?

Sorry I'm totally new to all of this and thank you again for your time ❤️

55 minutes ago, cherrysquid said:

1. Am I stablising? Anyone who's stablised before know what it feels like?

2. Am I even kindled?

I felt a wave coming on last night. Today is my daughters 7th birthday and I was getting stressed / overwhelmed putting up her decorations while I was super tired last night. I was expecting today to be bad. It hasn't been great, but im not stuck on my bed thinking I'm going to pass away. I dont know if im having "dirty windows" which is a phrase I've seen used or if the waves are finally settling down. Who knows, maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and be really bad?

I'll let other more experienced in kindling address that, but it sounds like you may be stabilizing a bit. Just remember, its a slow process where progress is measured in months, not days, and there will be several windows and waves during the journey. Personally, I've found the anticipatory anxiety before an event is always worse than the reality of it. It sounds like you're handling your daughter's birthday really well!

9 minutes ago, mstimc60 said:

I'll let other more experienced in kindling address that, but it sounds like you may be stabilizing a bit. Just remember, its a slow process where progress is measured in months, not days, and there will be several windows and waves during the journey. Personally, I've found the anticipatory anxiety before an event is always worse than the reality of it. It sounds like you're handling your daughter's birthday really well!

Thank you for your reply.

I agree with anticipatory anxiety. I was really struggling for my daughters drumming performance but after a few minutes it got a lot easier. I havent been able to do everything I want with her but we built some legs together, played chess (what seven year old wants chess idk 😂) and made night lamps together. I think considering, we've done okay 👌 lol

Just now, cherrysquid said:

Thank you for your reply.

I agree with anticipatory anxiety. I was really struggling for my daughters drumming performance but after a few minutes it got a lot easier. I havent been able to do everything I want with her but we built some legs together, played chess (what seven year old wants chess idk 😂) and made night lamps together. I think considering, we've done okay 👌 lol

Lego not legs lmao

25 minutes ago, cherrysquid said:

Thank you for your reply.

I agree with anticipatory anxiety. I was really struggling for my daughters drumming performance but after a few minutes it got a lot easier. I havent been able to do everything I want with her but we built some legs together, played chess (what seven year old wants chess idk 😂) and made night lamps together. I think considering, we've done okay 👌 lol

That's great! Our son was in his adolescence when I was in WD and recovery and I tried very hard to be there for him. In fact my first real window came when I was listening to him play in junior high school jazz band!

21 minutes ago, mstimc60 said:

That's great! Our son was in his adolescence when I was in WD and recovery and I tried very hard to be there for him. In fact my first real window came when I was listening to him play in junior high school jazz band!

That's actually so poetic and lovely lol

2 hours ago, cherrysquid said:

1. Am I stablising? Anyone who's stablised before know what it feels like?

2. Am I even kindled?

I felt a wave coming on last night. Today is my daughters 7th birthday and I was getting stressed / overwhelmed putting up her decorations while I was super tired last night. I was expecting today to be bad. It hasn't been great, but im not stuck on my bed thinking I'm going to pass away. I dont know if im having "dirty windows" which is a phrase I've seen used or if the waves are finally settling down. Who knows, maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and be really bad?

The kindling thing i am not paradoxal. I saw someone on a page on FB saying they accidently drank some lavender tea and were buzzing off the walls. Id been drinking it every night for about 8 weeks until I learned lavender can interact with sert. It calmed me. Ive also taken paracetamol totally fine for headaches (although I'm trying not to touch medicine as I heal). Or is there levels to kindling?

Hey @cherrysquid:

(1) I'm glad your day today has been better than you anticipated. Hard to say if that means you're stabilizing, but definitely a good sign. I've been holding for 3.5 months and would say I'm doing better but definitely not stable. Last month I had about 5-6 pretty decent days in a row. This month I haven't really had a window like that, but my really bad days have also been far fewer. So I would say that the path to stabilization is very non-linear. Stabilization has been described to me as a long period of time where you have consistent WD symptoms somewhere between 1-3/10 with no big ups and downs (people describe that as "WD normal"). Chippy told me ideally I would have six weeks like that before starting to taper.

(2) Re kindling, I'm certainly not an expert, but just from my own experience and lurking around on these sites it definitely seems like people have different levels of sensitivity. For example, when I was going through my year from hell of changing psych drugs and doses all the time I definitely started having weird paradoxical reactions to making changes which I think is evidence of kindling. But I still definitely don't seem to be as sensitive as some others. I can drink caffeinated teas with no issue, and I've taken OTC painkillers once or twice for a really bad headache.

Basically if there's anything I've learned from spending truly absurd amounts of time on the internet for the past 3.5 months it's that everyone is different and to some extent this process is about listening to our bodies and figuring out what's best for us.

Hope that helps a bit 💜. And I hope your daughter's birthday went well!!

Edited July 22Jul 22 by SarahMc

19 minutes ago, SarahMc said:

Hey @cherrysquid:

(1) I'm glad your day today has been better than you anticipated. Hard to say if that means you're stabilizing, but definitely a good sign. I've been holding for 3.5 months and would say I'm doing better but definitely not stable. Last month I had about 5-6 pretty decent days in a row. This month I haven't really had a window like that, but my really bad days have also been far fewer. So I would say that the path to stabilization is very non-linear. Stabilization has been described to me as a long period of time where you have consistent WD symptoms somewhere between 1-3/10 with no big ups and downs (people describe that as "WD normal"). Chippy told me ideally I would have six weeks like that before starting to taper.

(2) Re kindling, I'm certainly not an expert, but just from my own experience and lurking around on these sites it definitely seems like people have different levels of sensitivity. For example, when I was going through my year from hell of changing psych drugs and doses all the time I definitely started having weird paradoxical reactions to making changes which I think is evidence of kindling. But I still definitely don't seem to be as sensitive as some others. I can drink caffeinated teas with no issue, and I've taken OTC painkillers once or twice for a really bad headache.

Basically if there's anything I've learned from spending truly absurd amounts of time on the internet for the past 3.5 months it's that everyone is different and to some extent this process is about listening to our bodies and figuring out what's best for us.

Hope that helps a bit 💜. And I hope your daughter's birthday went well!!

Thanks @SarahMc as always ❤️

Im mostly going off how the past two weeks or so my symptoms have been a lot milder. Not window level good which I described on my last post. Ive felt a lot more like myself recently and unless a bad wave comes, my mentality feels a lot more solid and rooted in reality than I have been since April.

Ill feel a wave come and it'll either bounce away within a couple minutes or it'll linger a little but mild. Again, could just be weaker waves and a normal one is just waiting I honestly have no idea lol. Other than this morning for the last 4 days I've slept to my alarm 😱 unheard of since this started ive been up 5am or 6am without fail.

6 minutes ago, cherrysquid said:

Im mostly going off how the past two weeks or so my symptoms have been a lot milder. Not window level good which I described on my last post. Ive felt a lot more like myself recently and unless a bad wave comes, my mentality feels a lot more solid and rooted in reality than I have been since April.

Ill feel a wave come and it'll either bounce away within a couple minutes or it'll linger a little but mild. Again, could just be weaker waves and a normal one is just waiting I honestly have no idea lol. Other than this morning for the last 4 days I've slept to my alarm 😱 unheard of since this started ive been up 5am or 6am without fail.

This is all so f***ing unpredictable, but I think that all sounds like a great sign 😊. I'm so jealous that you've slept to your alarm! I have yet to achieve that, sounds blissful haha. But ya, of course keep taking each day as it comes but I'd say you're on the right path! Even if you do get hit by another wave, you've made progress and that counts for something.

@cherrysquid it does sound like you're making progress towards some more consistent stability.

I hope that this is the case and you continue to improve.

11 hours ago, Luke said:

@cherrysquid it does sound like you're making progress towards some more consistent stability.

I hope that this is the case and you continue to improve.

Thanks @Luke ! Me too lol

Today's the hardest day ive had in a couple of weeks. Since the start of this, in a wave, I feel like a knot/tension on the left side of my stomach almost like thats where a nerve sits I would normally be unaware of. The agitation and uncomfortable feeling at loud sounds. Shorter temper but I can wrangle it with effort. And another thing since the start of this is my whole body (its so hard to explain) its like pain but not pain? Like my body hurts but also it doesn't? Lol.

Hunger is strange too. I dont slowly get hungry when im not the best. I'm suddenly shaking an8d starving as if I hadn't eaten in days. But if its a bad crash my body doesn't seem to want food.

Focusing on the positives: This is the lightest crash ive had yet. Im still eating. My partner had to go out this morning and I didn't panic. I dont seem to get that horrific feeling of intense desperation and the mental aka and restlessness has calmed down these past few days.

My partner is currently in and out of the room asking questions for something he's sorting out and not making me grind my teeth in agitation lol

Slowly getting there. Phew

3 hours ago, cherrysquid said:

Focusing on the positives: This is the lightest crash ive had yet. Im still eating. My partner had to go out this morning and I didn't panic. I dont seem to get that horrific feeling of intense desperation and the mental aka and restlessness has calmed down these past few days.

My partner is currently in and out of the room asking questions for something he's sorting out and not making me grind my teeth in agitation lol

Waves getting lighter is such a great sign. Even though you're struggling today, you are absolutely on the right path. Keep that in mind in the hard times 💜.

9 minutes ago, SarahMc said:

Waves getting lighter is such a great sign. Even though you're struggling today, you are absolutely on the right path. Keep that in mind in the hard times 💜.

Thanks Sarah ❤️

@cherrysquid soubds like you’re on a promising path. Will still have bumps and potholes most likely a definite path to a better place.

11 minutes ago, Pokey449 said:

@cherrysquid soubds like you’re on a promising path. Will still have bumps and potholes most likely a definite path to a better place.

Thank you @Pokey449 ❤️

Cherrysqid, happy to hear the waves are getting less intense, definitely a good sign the body is regulating itself. It sure is quite the process isn't it!! I used to get the knots, to me they almost felt like a leg cramp, but in my stomach instead. They were annoying and uncomfortable, but always passed. Yep just another one of those annoying WD symptoms. Just let the feelings come and let it pass, try not to fight it and it loses its power. It's something I've learned and had to practice at over the 21 months and it truly does get easier. You are so strong and doing an amazing job. ❤️

17 minutes ago, Bernadette said:

Cherrysqid, happy to hear the waves are getting less intense, definitely a good sign the body is regulating itself. It sure is quite the process isn't it!! I used to get the knots, to me they almost felt like a leg cramp, but in my stomach instead. They were annoying and uncomfortable, but always passed. Yep just another one of those annoying WD symptoms. Just let the feelings come and let it pass, try not to fight it and it loses its power. It's something I've learned and had to practice at over the 21 months and it truly does get easier. You are so strong and doing an amazing job. ❤️

Thanks so much @Bernadette its such a wild ride isn't it 😂 hope you're doing well x