Hello,

 

I figure posting a thread here might help me feel better. I used to lurk SA all the time when WDs got tough. At the time, I was too overloaded to make a thread. Now, I think I'm able to do so.

 

My signature does not have the full medical history and I will update it later. I've been taking anti-depressants on and off since about July 2018. The gist is that I went cold turkey off of Lexapro 10mg back in mid-December of 2024 after having been on it since maybe June 2022. The reason I initially took it was to get out of a depression hole caused by a breakup, which I eventually got over. However, the instatement of the Lexapro caused me to have fever like symptoms such as a cold-swear forehead, fatigue, and an elevated temperature of 99. I "trusted the science" and the symptoms did eventually go away but I never felt truly "better." It was only until I started taking Vyvanse that I felt like I was able to start progressing in life. 

 

I never felt like the Lexapro did much for me other than making me emotionally numb. My psych and I would always discuss wanting to go off it but she kept me on to be "stable". Really, I think all I needed was the Vyvanse since the cause of my depression and negative mood was my ADHD and being unable to focus. Eventually, the Lexapro started to poop out around April 2024 where depression and burnout came back, but this could've been due to my job starting to really affect me. 

 

In late September 2024, my friend killed himself. Despite wanting to bawl out at his funeral, the tears would not come out. I hated this, I felt so inhuman. In October, my mother had back surgery and needed help. I was able to take FMLA to assist her, which was great because I was truly starting to burnout at my job, being unable to do basic things. After about 2 months into the leave, I was feeling better overall and decided to stop taking the Lexapro. Silly me did not consider tapering and thought I could just outlast the supposed month long withdrawal.

 

The next month was definitely a dark and depressing time. My mood was very erratic, having bouts of rage over silly things. I would get very depressed and have suicidal ideations, but to be fair, this was happening even on the Lexapro. I dreaded having to go back to work, but this was during the Christmas season so it would be slow enough to ease back in.

 

Returning from leave was hard. My job as I mentioned was already burning me out. We lost a few people and didn't replace them, so everyone took on more work. I felt like I was getting the brunt of the work since I seemed to be the most capable at the time. Eventually, I got ideations of just quitting outright. I felt like I was unable to perform, every work case was just glob of words that even Vyvanse couldn't help me process. It was around Jan 22, 2025 that I called out and sent an email to my psych telling her I stopped CT and was unable to function at work and just preferred to be numbed out by the Lexapro over what I was feeling. Writing that somehow made me snap out of feeling bad for a little bit and I discovered SA.com.

 

There, I learned all about withdrawal and how psychs gaslight patients into thinking its relapse. With my previous history, I got very angry realizing that I was most likely suffering withdrawal years back and not depression. I felt very validated when at times back in 2018, I would plead to my other that the pills are not doing anything. I did learn about reinstatement and tapering and how I was still in that 3 month window. But, my stubbornness made me decide to just keep going and tough it out. At this point, I think I regret that decision. 

 

I continued to struggle at work with the insane workload and the constant context switching. The brain fog was intense and some of the more complex process I had ease doing a few months ago were incredibly difficult. I did everything I thought I could do to make myself successful but eventually I just hated the job so much I decided to quit in at the end of May 2025. It makes me wonder if I really hated the work or if I was just unable to really process it. I can't deny that each time I would look at my work log, anxiety and stomach pits would take me over. It was really a terrible work environment too.

 

To make a long story short, I eventually got let go before I could quit. This allowed me to collect unemployment for 6 months. At the time, I was truly relieved and used the time to rest but I started to realize a lot of the same symptoms I thought were burnout related was withdrawal. I was still experiencing brain fog, depression, SI, anhedonia. The mood swings did taper away. I do feel like I've had windows and waves but there are times where I try to do things that are meaningful and feel nothing. 

 

I was hoping to have found a job by now but with this job market, it's been difficult. I was blessed to be able to move back in with family to save on money but my savings are really dwindling now. Since February, my mornings have been filled with huge anxiety to the point I think I'm experiencing akathesia (rolling back and forth on my bed, panting). I have insane regrets that I really wish I had just reinstated Lexapro at SOME dose just to stabilize. Would that have been enough to just keep me at bay? Would that have prevented thoughts of quitting and eventually taking action to quit? I know I hated that job but it provided me a good salary and a routine. 

 

I just really wanted to share my story that CT may not be the best thing to do and to really consider the risks for brain fog and other side effects. After 15 months, while I've progressed in some ways, I really shot myself in the short-term. Who knows if I'm only saying this because I haven't found another job yet. Would I regret the CT even then?

Hi @Kahran

 

Welcome to the forum!

 

This is a volunteer-run, community forum aimed at helping those who are tapering and/or experiencing difficulties with psychiatric medications and withdrawl syndrome. We are not medical professionals and cannot offer medical advice. We simply offer support and opinions which you could use as talking points with a medical provider knowledgeable in withdrawing off psychiatric medications.

 

Please familiarise yourself with the forum rules and the disclaimer located here: Guidelines

 

Please make sure your signature is kept up to date with your drug history. This will allow members to see some basic information about your drug history and situation so that they may help you best. Information on how to do this is located in the FAQs section above, but here is a direct link: Update Signature

Once this is done, future posts made by you will have this signature turned on by default. For this reason please keep it clear but condensed as possible.

I'm so sorry to read about the tough time you've had recently you will find plenty of support here for sure.

 

11 hours ago, Kahran said:

In late September 2024, my friend killed himself. Despite wanting to bawl out at his funeral, the tears would not come out.

Im so very sorry about your friend. That is awful and quite a trauma to have to deal with. It is very common for people to want to come off their ADs as they want to feel again, you are not alone.

 

11 hours ago, Kahran said:

Returning from leave was hard. My job as I mentioned was already burning me out.

Sounds like your work was a big stressor for you. I think removing or imporving these factors in our lives is an important step to resolving the 'mental health' problems we have. I have found that making these changes in my own life has had a massive impact on my head space.

 

11 hours ago, Kahran said:

To make a long story short, I eventually got let go before I could quit.

 

11 hours ago, Kahran said:

I was hoping to have found a job by now but with this job market, it's been difficult.

Im sorry to see getting another job has been a challenge. I wish you welll in the endeavour. Im sure in time something that suits you will come along. Things have a way of sorting themselves out eventually.

 

11 hours ago, Kahran said:

I did learn about reinstatement and tapering and how I was still in that 3 month window. But, my stubbornness made me decide to just keep going and tough it out. At this point, I think I regret that decision. 

It is hard to know if this was the right choice or not. You are very far out now. You could try to RI, but the risk is much higher.

 

In time you will heal. We have seen on SA and on FB peer groups that people do slowly improve over time. CT certainly isn't a good way off ADs, but those of us who do end up on that path, do eventually heal from what we can see.

 

If you did want to RI we would of course support and help you do this, but the choice as to whether you should or not is yours. If it was me I dont think I would. It isn't a magic bullet and might not have the effect you want. It could make you worse. You need to weigh up how bad you are a decide if you think the risk is worth it.

 

Ill link you to our document on this so you can have a read if you want.

 

Reinstating an Antidepressant

 

In the mean time this is what I would do if I were you:

 

-Stay Hydrated 

 

-Eat a good clean whole food diet, avoiding processed foods and sugars.

 

-Stay away from caffeine, alcohol and antihistamines and any other psychoactive substances.

 

Supplements are to be avoided initially, as they often irritate our nervous systems. Try to get your nutrition through food.

 

Down the line, you may wish to introduce Fish Oil and Magnesium. Those who can tolerate them have found them calming to the nervous system. Be careful try one at a time and start low and see how you get on should you choose to try them.

 

A daily walk is very important as much as you can manage, if you can manage it. Gets you your fresh air and Vitamin D does wonders for your mind!

 

You are very welcome here and I hope you find the site supportive.

 

Chippy

Welcome to the forum.

 

I understand regretting not reinstating, but you can't change that now, unfortunately.

 

What I would say, is that if you read the stories of others on SA (and slowly, they are beginning to build up here), at 1 year and 3 months off there is a lot of precedent for continuing to improve and recover in further time.

 

Windows are a good sign.

Hello @Kahran, welcome to the forum! You will find a lot of good peer support here.

 

i’m very sorry for the loss of your friend. And I’m also sorry for your present suffering.

Having left a difficult job might not have been a mistake. So many people burn out in positions which are just not healthy for them because they make a good salary. It’s usually not worth it. I hope very much that you will find a better one at the right time for you.!

 

I can relate to your story and the frustration about theCT , I have made some big mistakes too. 
I made a switch from Sertralin to Lexapro, which was probably a cold turkey in a way of the Sertralin. (But I have made those switches before under the guidance of my doctor ). When I replaced it with Lexapro, I stopped dosing up at 2 mg because I felt the medicine kick in and I thought this would be enough. Of course it wasn’t. I should’ve gone up further. Once I realized it was too late. So I can relate with your regrets. Now I am in my 17th month of tapering and still struggling a lot. But I’ve had nice windows, too, a big one just recently. So have you, as I have read?

 

I’m sorry for the terrible mornings. Mornings can be tough, I think it has to do with cortisol.
 

Withdrawal his hard and it can take a long time.

 

nevertheless: we both will heal! Many people have ct ed before and have healed.

there are wonderful success stories at surviving antidepressants and also some in this forum. Read them  , they will encourage you. Also, you can look at this: 

https://antidepressantrecovery.org/topic/315-success-stories-from-other-sources/#comment-7823

A little collection of success stories from outside the forums that will hopefully keep growing.

 

Take care! You will come out of the other side of this tunnel!

 

Thank you guys for the support. I really appreciate it. I wish I had started on SA when the signups happened back in February last year. 
 

2 hours ago, Nemina said:

Having left a difficult job might not have been a mistake. So many people burn out in positions which are just not healthy for them because they make a good salary. It’s usually not worth it.

Lots of friends and family tell me I made the right choice, having to deal with me. There are times though I think I was being a baby and could've just dealt with it better, but the dread of having to face that job affected nearly everything I did that I could not focus. Unfortunately, I feel like the dread of not having a job and not making income is affecting me right now. It's a very annoying rumination cycle. Looking at my current bank account is not helping me either. 

 

I did update my signature. I have a very rocky history with antidepressants that have probably screwed me over for the longest time. To me, I've always thought the withdrawal effect was that one month after the meds and then after that its your "symptoms" coming back. I always felt weird how absolutely everything was going right in my life and yet I felt like complete shit and a failure. I'll explain it a bit below, maybe someone has gone through the same. It is worth stating that the only "mental illness" I have is ADHD.

 

2006 to 2017

I mainly took a weekly delayed release dose of Prozac through my high school and college years. It was on and off as I was not the best at taking my meds. The reason I was prescribed is because I was depressed. In middle school and sometimes in high school, I didn't fit in well. I did have my friend group but I did get bullied at times. Despite that, I was a good student with honors and excelled at extracurriculars. In college, I definitely grew socially. However, I guess I still took the Prozac because I would get randomly depressed bad (withdrawal?). There was also a period I took Accutane which REALLY brought me down bad. I tried that again recently in Jan 2024 and the same symptoms came back so badly I had to nix it. 

 

I was again, on and off it really and unable to give an exact detail when I did or did not take it. But this on and off nature most likely contributed to my very convoluted mental health state. I was definitely a bit more erratic about things.

 

2017 to July 2018

I had gotten laid off near the end of 2016 from a job I was definitely not enjoying (is history repeating?). Around April, I started doing a keto diet and noticed my mood and outlook on life shot way up. Sometime in May, I got a call to work as a temp worker for a company I then applied to work for the next 5 years. It seemed like everything was starting to come together. I lost nearly 80 lbs (240 to 160 at 5"10) by October of that year and was settling in. However, I think I was slowly burning out at that job as well. It was call center work for a software company, very basic work but being attached to a desk and not knowing what call you'll get and for what kind of issue definitely got to me. That combined with no idea on what to do next, no idea how to progress, my autoimmune disease having some big flare ups despite doing keto, and possibly withdrawal from the Prozac before put me in a erratic/depressed state. Things really came to a head when I broke up with a long distance SO at the time. It was a relationship that was never going to really work and had no future, and I thought I had a chance with someone local but it didn't work out. But, I had a HUGE sense of regret about 2 months later. I thought I was going crazy over something so stupid like this, but I was having panic attacks and just could not stop ruminating on this damn relationship. Constantly going back and checking everything I said and what maybe I could've done differently. The reality is none of this would've mattered had that local girl worked out, or if maybe my ex at the time did not message me. Regardless, this event was impactful enough that I decided to admit myself to a psych hospital. 

 

July 2018 to Jan 2019

In retrospect, I think this was really dramatic but I felt like I was in a constant state of panic over what I did. I don't know if this was a symptom of protracted withdrawal just rearing its ugly head but I was constantly ruminating over this stupid breakup that I couldn't focus on work or literally anything else. When I was admitted, I was given Zyprexa for the rumination, Zoloft as an SSRI, and Ambien for sleep. The Zyprexa did not do anything other than make me ravenously hungry, and I really don't remember the Zoloft doing anything for me either. I was able to get out of the hospital maybe a day or two later and switched to a outpatient group. Thanks to my FMLA leave, I was able to spend about 3 months at outpatient centers as they tried to figure out what meds worked (none of them did). I remember crying one night after being told to take the meds, "they aren't doing anything!" even after maybe a month.  I was able to return to work after but my rumination about this still continued. I cold turkey'd the Zyprexa and Zoloft after ballooning back up to 220lbs, I absolutely hated what it had robbed from me.

 

Jan 2019 to Mar 2020

Eventually, on some random day, I got over the whole thing. Perhaps this was a window? However, knowing this was not "normal" and using the energy I could, I set up an appointment with a psych and she got me Celexa 10mg to keep this "window" going. I was able to re lose all the weight I had gained from the Zyprexa in that year which must've been quite a crazy transformation to see. However, after about 4 or 5 months I thought I didn't need the Celexa anymore so I stopped it. I definitely had my depressive moments after, with the same thoughts happening in 2018 with no idea where to take my career or how to even focus. I think I eventually got back on the Celexa cause my "symptoms" returned. Before the pandemic, I got a new psychiatrist to see what we could change. We would stay on the Celexa but also add Strattera and Wellbutrin to the mix.

 

Mar 2020 to Mar 2022

This new cocktail worked out okay for a bit but the side effects from every drug really waned on me. The Strattera made me sick to my stomach and gave me really bad ED, the Celexa contributed to the ED, and I'm really not sure what the Wellbutrin did. These side effects really got in the way of me trying to do "normal" self-improvement things such as exercising and walking. It was very hard to do these things when you felt like shit all the time, despite doing everything right in the books. Like a broken record, I repeated the same mistake of getting sick of these side effects and dropping the meds entirely. I really can't remember what happened in 2021 but I remember it being depressing. But eventually, I did find another long distance SO who had to put up with me in this on-and-off withdrawal state. Work was definitely burning me out again, and working from home did not add to this. My room was now also my work that I tried hard to get away from, it was impossible to separate the two. Eventually, it got to a point where I had to take FMLA again because I was hurting myself due to work stress. I was given Vyvanse which definitely seemed to help me (as Adderall did back in high school and college, but this is about anti-depressants). However, the SO and I decided to break up and I fell into a deep depression again. This is where I started taking the Lexapro as I thought it would've been the best way to get over this, and "fix" myself from not being a shitty partner. The rest of the story would continue up in the first post...

 

That's the abridged version of my medical health history. After writing it out, I'm really not sure what to think. Sometimes I think I should've been on these meds, but after learning what has been said on these forums and SA, I should've never got on them. I never liked the idea of my mood being completely dependent on a pill and I hated how I would do everything "right" like exercise, eat well, socialize, hobbies and yet still feel completely worthless. I hate how I ignored my ADHD for the longest time when really that was the main culprit to everything. It just feels like sometimes my life was robbed from me, making decisions because I was suffering from the lack of chemicals from these stupid pills. Or even from them. Everyone else I know who is successful doesn't take these pills or never had. All I know is when I discovered SurvivingAntidepressants back in Jan 2025, I felt so disgusted yet so validated. It angers me how so many people get on these drugs for reasons that will either pass through time or through circumstance. It's such an isolating feeling because my friends can't comprehend what I'm going through. This has been therapeutic to write out to you guys. 

12 hours ago, Kahran said:

I felt so disgusted yet so validated. It angers me how so many people get on these drugs for reasons that will either pass through time or through circumstance. It's such an isolating feeling because my friends can't comprehend what I'm going through. This has been therapeutic to write out to you guys. 

 

I can relate to a lot of this.

Thanks for taking the time to write out your story. It will help many in the years to come of that I have no doubt.

 

12 hours ago, Kahran said:

It's such an isolating feeling because my friends can't comprehend what I'm going through.

We all feel this to one extent or another.

 

We are glad you are here and hope you find the community supportive, you are among friends 🙂 

I'm glad well all feel the same.

 

I think this wave is hitting its peak this morning. There's too many times I think back to a year ago, just wishing I had reinstated or something. Or just who I was maybe 2 years ago, filled with promise and constantly curious. I miss him so much. I bet my friends and family miss him too. 

 

Now I'm just a shell. I really don't know how to get myself back. The road to employment has changed and I would need to upskill a lot yet I have zero motivation or cognitive energy for it. These were things that just came second nature 2 years ago. It's all gone...

 

I know there's nothing I can do about going CT back then, but my gut was really really wrong about this.

16 minutes ago, Kahran said:

I think this wave is hitting its peak this morning.

I hope so 🤞 

 

17 minutes ago, Kahran said:

There's too many times I think back to a year ago, just wishing I had reinstated or something. Or just who I was maybe 2 years ago, filled with promise and constantly curious. I miss him so much. I bet my friends and family miss him too

I understand this regret deeply. I was a very happy flourishing human before all this. I’m a shell of myself tbh. But slowly we improve. Can take a little while but healing is happening all the time. 
 

18 minutes ago, Kahran said:

I know there's nothing I can do about going CT back then, but my gut was really really wrong about this.

I know. I get it. With time you’ll come to terms with it. Learn to forgive yourself. 
 

So many techniques to help you. Distracting is a big one. That is personal what that means to each of us. But distraction is everything early on. 
 

Then comes acceptance. More difficult this one. But worth researching and starting to think about. 
 

Start with this thread. 
 

Acceptance is key - Why does acceptance feel impossible?

 

 

Hi, @Kahran  I can relate to the self-judgement.  Anxiety and WD really exacerbate feelings of guilt.  Anxiety is very selfish; it wants all your attention and it gobbles up all your emotions. That's the only way it maintains its control. If you get a window, your anxious mind responds by reminding you of all your mistakes, real or imagined.  My first window came when I was watching our son play in his junior high school jazz band. The look of pure joy on his face made me forget all my inward-focused thoughts.  Even though the window only lasted about 20 minutes, from then on I knew I would recover.

 

And part of your self-recrimination is genetic.  Scientists believe we retain five negative memories for every positive one; this is a survival instinct from caveman days. Its good to remember you should stay away from a saber-toothed cat or what fruit makes you sick. But that predisposes us to hang onto negative memories. Combined with the anxious mind's need for control, getting your balance back takes time and effort.  But from my experience, you can do it! The first step is to ease up on yourself, and not judge yourself for past actions or perceived weaknesses. We are all human and have ups and downs.  Accept that and your self-judgement will begin to ease. You can do this!

Thank you everyone. I hope its okay to just vent here.

 

Last two days have been very difficult. I've been getting a fever plus diarrhea. I've still been constantly mourning the loss of my job over 9 months ago. Again, when I got fired, I was relieved. Now, I'm seeing my old coworkers get promotions. I wish I could've just gotten it together, I used to be so good at that job. My performance review was "Exceeds Expectations" and then I just completely plummeted. Once again, I mourn the fact I had all the information in front of me to reinstate but did not take it. Would it have done any good? Would I still get that stupid idea in me to quit?

 

Would it do any good to reinstate now? Should I just keep going through this dark tunnel? Keep screaming in my car alone lamenting myself for my weaknesses? How can I distract myself when I cannot focus on anything? All I want to do is wrap myself in bed. I don't want to feel anything so maybe the Lexapro would be good...

 

Sorry for the dramatic's, but this is has been a very painful process. 

Hey. I’m sorry with what you are going through. We are all here for you. 
 

I have a question. I was under the impression you stoppped the drug end of 2024 start of 25 and didn’t ri when you found sa.  But your signature says you stopped dec25? Can you confirm what’s right?

On 3/16/2026 at 1:35 PM, Kahran said:

I know there's nothing I can do about going CT back then, but my gut was really really wrong about this.

 

It's impossible to know. I often used to feel this way, but having spent years in prescribed harm communities it is also quite clear that reinstatement is not a magic bullet for everyone and comes with its own risks that are balanced against the situation you're in at the time.

 

You can say it would have been worth trying in hindsight, but it may not have gone well had you taken that choice and there are also plenty who regret reinstatement.

 

What is also clear, is that there is a lot of precedent for people going on to fully recover down the line, whilst taking no drugs. It is likely that this will happen to you too, in time, based on the stories of others.

 

Much of what you are saying about work is also very relatable to me.

8 hours ago, Chippy said:

I have a question. I was under the impression you stoppped the drug end of 2024 start of 25 and didn’t ri when you found sa.  But your signature says you stopped dec25? Can you confirm what’s right?

Sorry, got my dates mixed up. Its 2024 I went CT. 

 

I'm not sure if I'm entering a window or not. But I am starting to accept this is going to take a long time. I need to accept my last job was not a good fit for me, and the promotions may have not been good fits either. Even back in March 2024, I was starting to feel very depressed about going to work that slowly came to a head in October 2024. I'm pretty sure I was stable on my meds during that time. The plan was always to leave to a different role, but it just never worked out in time. I just wish this was working out.

 

 

9 minutes ago, Kahran said:

Sorry, got my dates mixed up. Its 2024 I went CT. 

No probs just confirming. 😀

 

10 minutes ago, Kahran said:

I'm not sure if I'm entering a window or not. But I am starting to accept this is going to take a long time. I need to accept my last job was not a good fit for me, and the promotions may have not been good fits either.

I hope so mate. 
It can take some time, but you hit the nail on the head. Accept or at least starting too. Big part of dealing with this. 

RI from here would at best be some relief if it didn’t make you worse and then you’d have the rocky road of tapering off to deal with. It would only relieve wd symptoms if anything to one extent or another but not heal the injury we end up picking during all this. Time is the answer there. Once your then tapered off the drug it’s often a new journey of healing from there for many still. 
 

Your advanced is you are off the drug. You just need to adapt to your circumstances which can and will be uncomfortable at times. But slowly you will improve mate. 
 

You’re doing great, I can see you working this all through in your head. It’s half or more of the suffering resisting it. Acceptance relieves that. 

Hi @Kahran You're coming to a very important realization; recovery isn't a race and it isn't linear.  Its more like a rollercoaster, with highs and lows, and slow and fast sections. Its not a race, so don't set artificial deadlines for yourself. As Chippy said, acceptance is vital; the thoughts and feelings will come, but that doesn't mean you have to listen or act on them. You are healing; give it time and the leeway it needs, and you will recover. 

Today is a very depressing and angry day, like a roller coaster as you guys have described. I did finally realize what kind of jobs I would be more suited for (Customer Success/Support rather than engineering) because I like and am good at those things. But it makes me realize what a mistake it was to leave my previous job even if the environment there was completely unbearable. It may not have been unbearable had I was taken some dose of Lexapro or was not dealing with withdrawal or something.

 

My mind just gets in the vicious cycle of what ifs. My mother just had to witness it. It's a lot like people have described like Chris Paige says here (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IJNuC0sinEk). I keep trying to turn the clock back but it just isn't possible no matter how much I wish for it. There were so many sick days, fevers, stomach problems, and complete dread from that job that I don't think anyone could've been successful with those conditions. My issue is that went from complete disinterest before my moms leave (when I was still taking Lexapro) to this complete misery after the leave (after I went cold turkey). Even so, I wonder if I was happier than I was now miserably employed than being a NEET still going through withdrawal or anguish.

 

I did speak to my psychiatrist yesterday as I usually do every 3 months. I brought up the topic of potentially taking it again but I'm still somewhat not convinced it helped. There were moments where she mentioned when I felt "more depressed/stressed" that I can point out to work-related issues. Like in August 2024, I was getting pelted with work cases thinking "oh it's just really busy." Then, I discovered I was getting 2x the load of everyone else on my team. No shit I was stressed and angry.

 

There are just too many times in my life where I've had obviously stressors that psych's tell me to just take meds to get over when really you could just get over them either through communication or action. I think it has negatively affected my growth as a person and has led me to deal with way more bullshit than I needed to have taken. The only thing these drugs have done is just keep me not in withdrawal or "stable" until they poop out. 

 

It's just all so tiresome. I'm still trudging along and applying, and trying to accept what has happened, but it's so tiresome.

All I can really say is that a lot of the inner turmoil, ruminating on past decisions, how I ended up here has improved as I have improved.

 

I'm not fully recovered yet, but these drugs had a huge role in warping my mind and my thinking.

 

There is a good chance that down the line you will recover, and then be able to rebuild your life.

15 hours ago, Kahran said:

Today is a very depressing and angry day, like a roller coaster as you guys have described. I did finally realize what kind of jobs I would be more suited for (Customer Success/Support rather than engineering) because I like and am good at those things. But it makes me realize what a mistake it was to leave my previous job even if the environment there was completely unbearable. It may not have been unbearable had I was taken some dose of Lexapro or was not dealing with withdrawal or something.

Windows and waves, the whole thing really is a roller coaster! Try to have regrets. There is only way, that is forwards. I truly think you will get a better job. Just takes a little time.

 

15 hours ago, Kahran said:

did speak to my psychiatrist yesterday as I usually do every 3 months. I brought up the topic of potentially taking it again but I'm still somewhat not convinced it helped. There were moments where she mentioned when I felt "more depressed/stressed" that I can point out to work-related issues. Like in August 2024, I was getting pelted with work cases thinking "oh it's just really busy." Then, I discovered I was getting 2x the load of everyone else on my team. No shit I was stressed and angry.

 

There are just too many times in my life where I've had obviously stressors that psych's tell me to just take meds to get over when really you could just get over them either through communication or action. I think it has negatively affected my growth as a person and has led me to deal with way more bullshit than I needed to have taken. The only thing these drugs have done is just keep me not in withdrawal or "stable" until they poop out. 

 

They only seem to have one answer and that is to offer more drugs. You are in WD and just need time to recover from this. Once you have you can move on and learn coping skills to deal with lifes ups and downs. It is likley that you will start to pick these up during this process, most of us do.

 

Better days coming

I hope I can get a better job. My friend told me to consider what I wouldve lost had I stayed. Would I have gone completely insane? I doubt I would've been promoted in the state I was in.

 

Trying to stay positive this weekend. I'm at an event in Montreal with friends. I've been having a very hard time sleeping as well as some weird sensations I haven't felt before. I'm still taking Zolpidem as a crutch but it's effect seems to be waning by the day.

 

It really feels like my brain is "broken" at times. Lately my head feels heavy and has pressure like on the top forehead. I don't have a cold or anything. I had these weird sweats going on inside my head, I wonder if those are brain zaps.  My signals feel really messed up as if my hunger is tied to my eyes cause after I ate breakfast, that weird sensation went away. 

 

There are times where anhedonia peaks its head here. I'm at a gaming event, and games have just not been hitting like they used to for me. But sometimes, I seem to get into it for about 10 or 15 minutes. 

 

Hope everyone has a decent weekend

Edited March 21Mar 21 by Kahran

14 hours ago, Kahran said:

I'm still taking Zolpidem as a crutch but it's effect seems to be waning by the day.

Can you add this to your signature? How long have you been taking it?

 

14 hours ago, Kahran said:

really feels like my brain is "broken" at times. Lately my head feels heavy and has pressure like on the top forehead

I relate. It is my worse symptom. 
 

14 hours ago, Kahran said:

My signals feel really messed up as if my hunger is tied to my eyes cause after I ate breakfast, that weird sensation went away. 

All sorts of odd things happen in wd. Often related to eating. At first food used to trigger some dark neuro emotions for me. It went eventually. 

On 3/22/2026 at 12:35 AM, Chippy said:

Can you add this to your signature? How long have you been taking it?

I updated this. I've been taking it ever since 2018. I might start tapering off this too as I watched some videos on the drive home that stated it could cause the same withdrawal effects.

 

This weekend was nice. Had a few weird feelings but being surrounded by good people helped. Though at nights when it was quiet, it's hard to quiet my own thoughts. I keep thinking that maybe if I just reinstated the Lexapro when I noticed things were really bad and had found SA, maybe I could've resolved enough issues at work to not want to just give up and quit out right. I get these scared jolts at night... It was software support work so it required a lot of cognitive effort, and the brain fog was so severe I think that is what caused my reasons to hate it and stress over it. Plus, it just led me to swirl into negativity which didn't help. I don't think I miss the job (though some perks were nice like it being mostly remote and super flexible) but I miss the income, and maybe I could've gotten promoted to some role I enjoyed more but I'm really not sure anymore. At least I couldn't in the state I was in, maybe had I taken a small dose. 

 

I'm just going 9 months into this (quitting/being fired) and I'm upset how much my life has fallen apart. I found some old chat logs of mine about 2 or 3 weeks after the CT of me mentioning how "my life is slowly falling apart and I'm apathetic to do anything about it." It's disheartening to think that this is what I chose in the end and wanted to do. I really wanted to stop getting income and live at my parents place? Was I in that much pain? Maybe I should've kept numbing myself...

 

I'm also sorry if this thread seems more about me venting about my shitty job loss more so than the cold turkey of Lexapro. If I'm trying to think positively, I discovered some new hobbies, found some energy for old ones, lost a decent amount of weight (maybe through stress and not eating though), and have more consistent energy. Friends are supportive and try to help me stay positive. But man, these are things I could've done without the job loss I think. I'm really not sure. I worry I'm not going to get another "good" job like that again.

8 hours ago, Kahran said:

I updated this. I've been taking it ever since 2018. I might start tapering off this too as I watched some videos on the drive home that stated it could cause the same withdrawal effects.

Thanks, do you take it regulary? In the UK they only prescribe Z drugs for short term use as you can get addicted to them. You will have gained alot of tolerance if you have used it alot and it probably doesn't have much effect now im guessing?

 

If you only take it now and again I would probably just not take it anymore personally if you take it all the time you should taper it.

 

8 hours ago, Kahran said:

I'm also sorry if this thread seems more about me venting about my shitty job loss more so than the cold turkey of Lexapro. If I'm trying to think positively, I discovered some new hobbies, found some energy for old ones, lost a decent amount of weight (maybe through stress and not eating though), and have more consistent energy. Friends are supportive and try to help me stay positive. But man, these are things I could've done without the job loss I think. I'm really not sure. I worry I'm not going to get another "good" job like that again.

Dont apologise, here is the place to vent your frustration. This is approach here though. Positive thinking, trying not to worry about the past and distract yourself in the day if you do. We are all so intent on worry fixing our lifes. It is what gets us on the drugs in the first place. We don't have as much control as with think. Change what you can and accept the rest. Life is short, find some inner peace IMO 🙂 

7 hours ago, Chippy said:

Thanks, do you take it regulary? In the UK they only prescribe Z drugs for short term use as you can get addicted to them. You will have gained alot of tolerance if you have used it alot and it probably doesn't have much effect now im guessing?

 

If you only take it now and again I would probably just not take it anymore personally if you take it all the time you should taper it.

I've been taking it for years now so I'll be tapering it off. 

 

Today is...really not a good day. Please for the love of god, anyone reading this thinking about cold turkeying their SSRI, don't. Please taper. I don't know if I even having withdrawal effects now but the first 6 months were so catastrophic to my life. I just gave up a completely decent life, salary, and career prospects. I keep saying I hated this god damn job and was already depressed on the meds but now I can't even remember if I missed a day while I was on them. I can't remember if I was having little mini withdrawals in 2024. I feel like there was periods where I know I was taking it consistently that were at least tolerable.

 

At this point, I can't even seem to enjoy anything. Every moment has this guilt about how far I've fallen. All over a fucking 10mg pill. But also, my inability to remain positive and do good things for myself.

39 minutes ago, Kahran said:

I've been taking it for years now so I'll be tapering it off. 

Definitely then. You’ll need to treat it like an antidepressant in terms of taper schedule. 
 

43 minutes ago, Kahran said:

At this point, I can't even seem to enjoy anything. Every moment has this guilt about how far I've fallen. All over a fucking 10mg pill. But also, my inability to remain positive and do good things for myself.

Time mate. It isn’t an easy journey. We all have regrets about taking the drugs but what is done is done. We must learn to look to deal with the present now. It’s hard I know but working on your coping skills is your priority now. Lots of others have tread this same path before you and gone to recover and lead meaningful fulfilling lives and you will too.